Dogs, Car Tips, Computers And More... :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our ShangyFunList:
Group Web Site:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html
Group email address:
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
Shangrala Family Fun:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/
================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
AND For Facebook Users:
Please Like Me here...
http://tinyurl.com/cma6all
AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family!
^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU!
================
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* Don't forget to follow us on social media for our latest updates
and uproarious funny and inspiring pages!
On Facebook:
https://tinyurl.com/y8dcm8x7
On Twitter:
http://tinyurl.com/n5uf3dxv
================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This too hot to handle new page is from our friends Linda,
LouiseAu and Johanna. It's full of some our most interesting
bizarre aquatic life. Take some time and check it and it's
video out here:
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Amazing Water Creatures!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/watercreatures.html
---
...Most Stunning! Thanks Ladies!
========================================================
>-->From AJokeADay:
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Bob Allison
I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he
looks great in a Tuxedo.
-<>-
Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says,
"The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we
didn’t catch any more of them than we did."
-<>-
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
-<>-
) _. mmeeoowwrr!
(___)''
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/'"\ )\
itz
“Hello, police department? I’ve lost my cat and… "
“I'm sorry lady, but this is not a police job, you can try
calling..."
“But you don’t understand, this is a very intelligent cat. He is
almost human. He can practically talk.”
“Well, in that case ma'am, you’d better hang up. He may be trying
to call you right now.”
-<>-
An American enters a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each
of his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the
glass and whispers, "I have two million dollars with me. I
urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!"
The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, "Sir, there's
no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in
Switzerland."
-<>-
.---.
(_,/\ \
(`a a( )
) \= ) (
(.--' '--.)
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| / \ / \ |
\\ / . \ //
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| \_/ |
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/_Y/_Y
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an
attractive young lady.
He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress
that lady over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the
ATM in the lobby.
-<>-
A hunter lost his bearings and wandered around the forest in a
daze. Suddenly, he spotted another man. Dropping his rifle, he
threw his arms around the other's neck and screamed, "Boy am I
glad to see you! I've been lost in these woods for three days!"
"Restrain yourself," cautioned the other sadly, "I've been lost
here for a week."
-<>-
Me: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
8 yr old nephew: "To get to the idiot's house."
Me: "Oh... uh... yeah, good one, haha."
8 yr old nephew: "Wanna hear another one? Knock knock..."
Me: "Who's there?"
8 yr old nephew: "The chicken."
-<>-
_.-'`'-._
.-' _ '-.
`-.__ `\_.-'
| `-``\|
jgs `-.....-A
#
#
>Thoughts And Facts Of The Day
* Success Is Not Final
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage
to continue that counts."
- Winston S. Churchill
* I Don't Hate You
"I don't hate you... I just don't like that you exist."
- Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness
* Suggest Solutions
"It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too
much about the problem.”
__________
| __ __ |
| | || | |
| | || | |
| |__||__| |
| __ __()|
| | || | |
| | || | |
| | || | |
| | || | |
| |__||__| |
ejm |__________|
* Last Man On Earth
"The shortest horror story:
The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on
the door."
- Frederic Brown
========================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
April 22 is Earth Day (U.S.), Girl Scout Leader Day, National Jelly
Bean Day and Passover begins at sundown
April 23 is Lover’s Day, English Muffin Day, National Picnic Day,
National Zucchini Bread Day, Take a Chance Day and World Laboratory
Day
April 24 is Administrative Professionals Day (Executive Admin’s Day,
Secretary’s Day) and Pig in a Blanket Day
April 25 is East Meets West Day, National DNA Day, Take Your Daughter
to Work and World Penguin Day
April 26 is Arbor Day, Hug an Australian Day, National Pretzel Day
and Richter Scale Day
April 27 is Babe Ruth Day, Morse Code Day, National Prime Rib Day,
National Teach Children to Save Day and Tell a Story Day
April 28 is International Astronomy Day, Great Poetry Reading Day
and Kiss Your Mate Day (then read her a love poem)
========================================================
>-->From Mikey'sFunnies:
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(( ( (( (
``-' ``-'
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day.
There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest,
and the smartest pet.
Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through
a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and
asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?"
The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.
"Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
-<>-
The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for
a few days.
-<>-
An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"
-<>-
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
-<>-
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your
husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000
down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for
extras."
"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports
car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
-<>-
I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four
tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and
all the conductors scream at each other.
-<>-
i Track it!
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My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the
boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a
duck boat in the reeds.
My husband put his hands in the air and joked, "Don't shoot!"
The hunter responded, "Don’t quack."
-<>-
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has
clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending
machine.
-<>-
Mom: "Eat your breakfast."
Son: "Why?"
Mom: "You want to grow up to be super smart, don't you?"
Son: "No. I want to grow up to be like daddy."
-<>-
Not sure if I'm bad at sleeping or really really really really
really really really really really good at thinking.
========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
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>SMILES
Dr. Cutter was a veterinarian in a small town in Maine, known
for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day
when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with
a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting
and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked
what she owed.
'Fifty dollars, Ma'am,' he answered.
'Why that's simply outrageous!' she stormed. 'That's what's
wrong with you people in Maine, you're always trying to over
charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter,
when we're not being ripped off here?'
'Raise porcupines, Ma'am.'
----------
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing,
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the
church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for
some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing
up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes
off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
----------
__.
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"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the
overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time..."
----------
One rainy evening, my husband Carey and I emerged from a
restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car.
He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so
we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be
found. Carey then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away
and returned with a coat hanger. After a few attempts, he got the
door open, and we climbed in.
As we sat there, soaked and cold, Carey stuck the hanger under his
seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again,
I'll have one."
----------
In the local school's Nature Program, the teacher was introducing
a unit on "The Five Senses."
The dialogue with the teacher and the 3-to-4-year-olds went thus:
Teacher: "We have eyes for...?"
Children: "Seeing!"
Teacher: "And a nose for...?"
Children: "Smelling!"
Teacher: "And ears for...?"
One Child: "Earrings!"
----------
____
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|/_/| _|_______,' )(
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Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of
time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca.
"I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne.
"What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
----------
Interviewer: "Tell me Miss Cromwell, if you could have dinner with
any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
Miss Cromwell: "The living one."
----------
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As
they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it
was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed
in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston
we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and
completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only
took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
----------
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you
above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood,
Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood. What do
you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting
of your mother!"
----------
Paddy staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out
with his mates.
When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the
dog beside him in his wife's place.
"Glory be!" said Paddy. "I must have been really drunk when I got
home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"
----------
___
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over
and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his
dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving
down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and
pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter
Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The woman says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out
a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends
down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps
up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down
the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and
again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label:
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
---
...Oh MY! HaHaHa! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
.---.
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>Doctor Call
The phone rings...
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now
uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either
way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's,
and the other one tested positive for HIV.
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.
Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive
tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Help desk recommends that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he eventually finds his way
home, don't sleep with him!"
---
..Oh for goodness sake! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
.--------------------.
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>Car Hacks for Easier Living
Owning a car is a rollercoaster of emotions. On one hand, it's
your trusty steed, ferrying you to destinations far and wide,
accommodating your belongings, and occasionally treating you to
exhilarating joyrides along scenic routes. But on the flip side,
it can be a realm of perpetual vexations. The specter of costly
maintenance looms large, while everyday nuisances like beverage
spills, parking lot dings, and windshield cracks threaten to
derail your equanimity.
Fortunately, there exists a trove of solutions, fashioned from
household staples, to ease the burdens of car ownership. These
12 unconventional car hacks promise to revolutionize your driving
experience without burning a hole in your pocket.
* Organize Your Trunk with Laundry Baskets
Say goodbye to cluttered chaos in your trunk by employing
laundry baskets as makeshift organizers. Their sturdy build and
spacious interiors make them ideal for corralling groceries,
sports gear, and emergency supplies, ensuring a tidy and
accessible storage solution on the go.
* Bid Adieu to Stubborn Sticker Residue with Newspaper
Removing bumper stickers can be a sticky affair, leaving behind
stubborn residues that mar your car's aesthetics. Fear not, for
a simple concoction of damp newspaper and a dash of patience
can work wonders. Apply a moistened newspaper sheet over the
adhesive remnants, allowing it to work its magic for 15 minutes
before gently wiping away the softened residue with a credit
card. Voila! A pristine canvas awaits, unblemished by unsightly
gunk.
* Harness Your Seat Warmers to Keep Take-Out Meals Toasty
Preserve the piping hot goodness of your take-out meals during
transit by harnessing the power of your car's seat warmers.
Simply activate these cozy companions and perch your culinary
delights atop them for a makeshift food warmer on wheels. Whether
it's a cheesy pizza or a sizzling burger, your on-the-go feast
will emerge from its journey as delectable as when it left the
restaurant.
* Extend the Lifespan of Windshield Wiper Blades with Stockings
Shield your windshield from unsightly scratches and smudges
caused by worn-out or absent wiper blades by enlisting the help
of trusty women's stockings. Wrap these stretchy saviors snugly
around the wiper arms to provide a protective barrier, ensuring
clear visibility and smooth gliding motion through rain and
shine.
* MacGyver Your Way Out of a Timing Belt Snafu with Stockings
When faced with the dreaded prospect of a snapped timing belt,
salvage your journey with an ingenious hack involving-yes, you
guessed it-stockings! In the event of a belt failure, promptly
halt your vehicle, pop the hood, and fashion a makeshift belt
from stockings, securing them tightly around the engine's
pulleys. This temporary fix may just buy you enough time to
reach safety and arrange for a permanent replacement.
* Banish Headlight Haze with Toothpaste
Combat the dulling effects of time and road grime on your
headlights with an unexpected ally: toothpaste. Armed with a
clean rag and a dollop of toothpaste, embark on a polishing
expedition to restore clarity and brilliance to your headlights.
The mild abrasives in toothpaste work wonders in buffing away
accumulated debris and imperfections, unveiling a luminous
facade that illuminates the road ahead.
* Patch Up Window Damage with Nail Polish
Mend minor chips and cracks in your car's windows with a dab of
clear nail polish, sparing yourself the expense of a full-
fledged replacement. Apply a thin layer of nail polish to the
affected area, allowing it to dry to near invisibility. Not only
does this DIY fix conceal unsightly imperfections, but it also
serves as a preventive measure against further crack propagation,
safeguarding your windshield's structural integrity.
* Thaw Frozen Locks with Hand Sanitizer
Defeat the icy grip of winter by wielding a potent weapon against
frozen door locks: hand sanitizer. The alcohol content in hand
sanitizer acts as a natural de-icer, swiftly melting away frost
and granting you access to your vehicle's warm embrace. Bid adieu
to frosty frustrations and embark on your journey with newfound
warmth and convenience.
* Revitalize Your Dashboard with Olive Oil and Coffee Filters
Treat your car's dashboard to a rejuvenating spa day with a
luxurious blend of olive oil and coffee filters. Pour a small
amount of olive oil onto a coffee filter and gently buff your
dashboard to a radiant sheen. This dynamic duo not only banishes
dust and grime but also imparts a glossy finish that elevates
your car's interior aesthetics to new heights of sophistication.
* Safeguard Against Door Dings with Pool Noodles
Transform your garage into a sanctuary of vehicular protection
by deploying pool noodles as cushioned sentinels against door
dings. Affix these buoyant barriers along the walls of your
parking space to provide a soft buffer zone, shielding your car
from inadvertent collisions and preserving its flawless exterior.
Bid farewell to unsightly blemishes and embrace a world of
pristine perfection.
By embracing these unconventional yet remarkably effective car
hacks, you can bid farewell to the frustrations and inconveniences
that often accompany car ownership. From ingenious solutions for
mundane maintenance woes to inventive tricks for enhancing your
driving experience, these tips promise to revolutionize the way
you interact with your beloved automobile. So buckle up, hit the
road with confidence, and let these ingenious hacks pave the way
for smoother, stress-free travels ahead.
========================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Tucker Carlson On Rumble
https://rumble.com/c/TuckerCarlson
Latest Eric Bolling:
https://www.newsmaxtv.com/bolling
Latest From Hannity:
https://hannity.com/
Latest From American Action News:
https://americanactionnews.com/
Latest From Reliable News:
https://reliablenewsnow.com/
Latest From Newsmax:
https://www.newsmax.com/
Latest From Expose:
https://expose-news.com/
Latest From Billings Report:
https://billingsreport.com/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://greatergood.com/clicktogive/ggc/home
-<>-
>From Archives BizarreNews:
I haven't been in a fist fight since college, and that was a
long time ago, but I do remember the exhaustion that comes
after the adrenaline rush of physical combat. Which is why I
find this story so bizarre.
Authorities say a woman attempting to rob an 86-year-old man
ended up brawling with him for eight hours in his southern
New Jersey home. Eight hours!
A Millville man let 46-year-old Kay Carty into his home after
she knocked asking for a glass of water. Authorities say the
man asked Carty to leave when she attempted to take items from
his home.
Police say the two then brawled on and off for nearly eight
hours until the victim's son came home and found the man
holding Carty down on the floor.
I have trouble sitting upright for eight hours, I can't
imagine the titanic effort it would take to wrestle for that
long...even with a woman.
Both Carty and the alleged victim were hospitalized with
broken bones.
Police have charged Carty with burglary, assault and weapons
possession.
All I can say is that is one stubborn old man.
*-- Record-breaking bass may be only one of thousands --*
HOUSTON - A 12 1/2-pound bass caught in Texas may be only
the first of thousands of record-breaking fish sportsmen
can expect to catch, researchers say. The fish, hooked
recently in an East Texas lake, has been genetically linked
to a 14-pound largemouth bass caught in December 2004 in a
lake 450 miles to the south, the Houston Chronicle reported
Friday. Jerry Campos caught the 14-pound fish on Falcon
Lake in Laredo near the Mexican border. The bass, later
named ShareLunker370, was entered into a program at the
Texas Freshwater Fisheries Center in Athens, Texas, in
which fishermen share their prize catches with others. At
the center, ShareLunker 370 bred with a female bass that
produced 12,699 fingerlings. Some of them were retained at
the center but 173 offspring were released into Lake
Naconiche in East Texas. There's where the 12 1/2-pounder
was caught by Allen Lane Kruse, whose catch set a water-
body and catch-and-release record. The center releases
fingerlings into more than 60 reservoirs in Texas, so
another record-breaking catch is probably just waiting to
be pulled out of the water.
*-- Bus drivers to strike over tight uniform pants --*
MARSEILLE, France - Bus drivers in a French city said they
will go on strike because, among other grievances, the
uniform pants they are required to wear are too tight.
The drivers, who work for the public transport authority
in Marseille, said Friday the company's 1,600 employees
will strike for 24-hours June 3 because they don't approve
of "the quality, the color or the fit" of their new uniform
pants, The Local.fr reported Friday. "I won't be wearing
them," a Marseille bus driver told the La Provence
newspaper. "You'd think we work for [car repair company]
Speedy! The shirts are alright, but these pants are far
too tight." CGT union leader Bernard Gargiolo said union
leaders are upset they weren't consulted in choosing the
uniforms. "The employees don't want to wear a uniform that
was chosen unilaterally by [RTM's] management, without
taking into account the reflections of our clothing
committee," Gargiolo said.
*-- Sandy's floods left fish in New Jersey man's pool --*
BELMAR, N.J. - A New Jersey man said the floodwaters of
Hurricane Sandy left something unusual in his in-ground
pool -- a tiny school of live fish. Robert Castellano
said his Belmar neighborhood was flooded for several days
following the October storm, with 3 feet of water in his
back yard, and when he pulled the cover from his in-ground
pool this month he discovered a school of about 15 fish
living in the water, the Asbury Park (N.J.) Press reported
Tuesday. "I don't know how they got under the cover,"
Castellano said. "When the water was on top of the pool,
it may have lifted the edges. Some are so small, they may
have been just eggs. Or born in here. "They're very quick,"
he said. "I don't know what they've been eating, probably
the algae. To survive in this water they have to have one
heck of a will to live." Bob Mathews of the Fishermen's
Den tackle shop identified the fish. "It looks like it's
a white perch," Mathews said. "They're slightly anadromous
fish -- they can live in fresh and brackish water."
*-- Police: Chicago man tried to sell gator online --*
CHICAGO - Authorities said they arrested a Chicago man who
allegedly tried to sell a live baby alligator for $300 on
Craigslist. The Illinois Department of Natural Resources
said an undercover officer responded to the ad posted by
Juan DeJesus, 19, and went to the man's home Monday while
posing as a potential buyer, the Chicago Tribune reported
Tuesday. DeJesus brought the alligator out of his home
and was arrested on a misdemeanor possession of wildlife
charge, police said. The alligator was seized by the
officer. DeJesus is due to appear in court May 31.
========================================================
>-->From CleanLaughs:
________ h___
__ __ _____ ___ | | | L|_
_/ L\__ _| L\__ | L\_ _/ L\__ | |_| |
'-o---o-' '-o---o-' '-O---O-' '=o----o-' '-OO----`OO----O-'
^jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one
day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something
terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be
hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please,
God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
-<>-
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book
entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he
answered 'no.'
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started
collecting moths last month!"
-<>-
My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a
reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a
local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.
A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the
restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she
replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview,
and she told me to bring my references."
-<>-
The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes
earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I
backed my own vanload of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed
a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to
retrieve them.
An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was
parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assis-
tant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just
called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew
anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back
steps."
-<>-
_____ __________
\_+_/ |
.//`\\. | _______
((o,o)) | | |
'.=.' | | EKCFL |
_)_(_ | | flpeb |
/' \ / '\ | | ,.,., |
/ (_ | _) \ | |_______|
/ / )_o_( \ \ |()
\ \/ \/ / |
\/_) (_\/ _|__|~|_______
| | |______________
| | , ||, '
Sher^ |_______| || ,
\ | / || ,
I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While
the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have
dextrocardia.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather
than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your
machine to accommodate that."
As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me,
have you had that for long?"
-<>-
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day
and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month
later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor
asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the
pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
========================================================
>-->From TheMouth:
_.~._
,~'.~@~.`~.
/ : _..._ : \
{ :,"''))`".: }
`C) 9 _ 9 (-'.._,-"7o-.__
( )(@)( ) /o `.
`-.___.-' `-._ / \
\ / `-' ;`-._,-.
y ,' `---t.,-. \_____
,' /---.__\ _( \--------'
_,\ ,' `-.__.--' `. \_____
'///,-`-' `-------' hjw
>Think About This!
* Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper: It doesn't
permanently solve any problems, but it makes thing more
acceptable for awhile.
* Live as you wish your kids would.
* Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip around the sun every year.
* Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to
appreciate its beauty.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
not the toy.
* No job is so simple that it can't be messed up.
, ; , .-'"""'-. , ; ,
\\|/ .' '. \|//
\-;-/ () () \-;-/
// ; ; \\
//__; :. .; ;__\\
`-----\'.'-.....-'.'/-----'
'.'.-.-,_.'.'
jgs '( (..-'
'-'
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people
have.
* The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the
optimist has a better time during the trip.
* You can give without loving, but you cannot love without
giving.
-<>-
>Computers Compared To Humans
Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age?
A: Loss of memory.
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data.
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
A: The space bar.
Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
A: It slipped a disk.
Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?
A: It was looking for a byte to eat.
Q: What is a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness.
-<>-
__...__
.--""``` ```""--.
':--..___ ___..--:'
\ ``` /
.-` ___.....___ '-.
.:-""`` ~ ~ ``""-:.
/`-..___ ~ ~ ~___..-'\
/ ~ '`""-----""` \
; ;
; '::. ' .:' _. ;
|~ .:' . _ ':. |
| ':. . ~ . _ .: |
; '::. _ /|| .;' ;
; ': ( } \||D ;
\.'.:':. | /\__,=_[_] /
\ ':. ~ |_\__ |----| ` /
'.'::._| |/ |--. | ~.'
'.-' | /_ | |`'.'
jgs (`'--..._____...--'`)
`"--...__ __...--"`
`
>How Smart Are Computers Compared To Humans?
* To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a
computer.
* Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
* My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
.~~^~^~^~^~^~^~~~.
( Boy this thing )
( is slow. )
`~u~u~u~u~u~u~~'
O O
O O
o o
` . _ . '
~0 (_|
|(_~|^~~|
TT/_ T"T
jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
* The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical
cord or battery charge.
========================================================
_ _ * R E C I P E F O R A H A P P Y L I F E * _ _
( \/ ) ( \/ )
\ / | /) \ /
\/ ---> TAKE | /_ WHOLE MONTHS, <--- \/
CLEAN THEM THOROUGHLY OF ALL BITTERNESS, RUMORS, HATE, AND JEALOUSY;
IN OTHER WORDS, MAKE THEM AS FRESH AND AS CLEAN AS POSSIBLE.
____________ _____________
(____________;=============\
`^^^^^^^^^^^^`
NOW CUT EACH MONTH INTO 28, 30, OR 31 DIFFERENT PARTS--
BUT DON'T MAKE UP THE WHOLE BATCH AT ONCE...
INSTEAD PREPARE IT ***ONE DAY*** AT A TIME.
MIX WELL EACH DAY: .-.
.-----------------. (( ))
ONE PART OF FAITH, :._________________.: \ /
| | |
ONE OF PATIENCE, | | |
| | |
ONE OF COURAGE, \ / |
`._____________.' |
ONE OF WORK,
ADD ONE PART EACH OF HOPE, FAITHFULNESS, GENEROSITY, AND KINDNESS;
__
(__) BLEND WITH: .:::.
|| .:::. [| G |
|| ONE PART PRAYER, [| | .:::. | D |
#-/__\ | P | [| | `---'
| | ONE PART MEDITATION, `---' | M |
| | `---'
(@)(@) AND ONE GOOD DEED.
` '
SEASON THE WHOLE WITH A DASH OF GOOD SPIRIT, A SPRINKLE OF FUN,
A PINCH OF PLAY, AND A CUPFUL OF GOOD HUMOR.
._ _____,_
POUR ALL OF THIS INTO A VESSEL OF LOVE. \` =|D)
T =|^
COOK THOROUGHLY OVER RADIANT JOY `-----'
(
) GARNISH WITH SMILES
____________.---(----.
`----------|`--------'| AND SERVE WITH QUIETNESS,
| |
| | UNSELFISHNESS, AND CHEERFULNESS
`--------'
AND YOU ARE BOUND TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.
(artwork by joan stark- 9/96) ~ Proverbs 3:6 ~
========================================================
>-->From AndyChaps:
(\ /)
(v\ /v)
(vvv\ /vvv)
(vvvvv\ /vvvvv)
(vvvvvvv\ /vvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvv\ _---_ /vvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvvvv\/ XII \/vvvvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvvvvv/ / \vvvvvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvvvv/ / \vvvvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvvv|IX @ III |vvvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvvv\ \ /vvvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvvv\ /vvvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvvv\ VI /vvvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvvvv-___-vvvvvvvv)
(vvvvvv/ \vvvvvv)
(vvvvv/ \vvvvv)
(vvv/ \vvv)
ejm97 (v/ \v)
(/ \)
>Just Think About This!
The secret lies in how we handle today, not yesterday or
tomorrow. Today...that special block of time holding the
key that locks out yesterday's nightmares and unlocks
tomorrow's dreams.
- Charles Swindoll, Clergyman and writer
For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these,
'It might have been'.
- John Greenleaf Whittier
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the
things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw
off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the
trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain
It is not your aptitude, but your attitude, that determines
your altitude.
- Zig Ziglar
Sometimes it doesn't matter how good you are at something
- it is how bad you want it.
When you win, nothing hurts.
- Joe Namath
If better is possible, good is not enough.
- Anonymous
Bad habits are like a comfortable bed... easy to get into,
but hard to get out of.
A business that makes nothing but money is a
poor kind of business.
- Henry Ford
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second
best time is now.
Having the world's best idea will do you no good unless you
act on it. People who want milk shouldn't sit on a stool in
the middle of a field in hopes that a cow will back up to
them.
- Curtis Grant, Writer
David wasn't thinking of being king when he was tending sheep; he
was just doing what God sat before him.
- John Fisher
-<>-
(~~~~~~~~~)
| |
| |
| |
.--------.. (()---- |
| || (_ |
| || | |
| || | | -abg
| || /\ ..--
'--------'' /\ ||-'' \
/ \ \ \// ,, \---.
.---------. \./ |~| /__\ \ |
___|_________|__|""-.___ / || | |
| |---------- .-----'| | |
| | CC.-----. | |
| | '-----' | |
||
>Short Takes
"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago
my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one
electric bill away from being Amish." -Tom Ryan
===
WHEN MY SISTER Andrea got married, she asked to wear my
mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the
first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as
Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on
her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my
arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-
honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used
to fit into that dress!"
===
A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the
next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped
out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long?
You're over two hours late."
"Hey! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27
handicap."
-<>-
'\ . . |>18>>
\ . ' . |
O>> . 'o |
\ . |
/\ . |
/ / .' |
jgs^^^^^^^`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>More About Golf
A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong
ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the
way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the
water onto the green that is on a spit of land that just
out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without
success. His ball always fell short, into the water.
Because of this he never used a new ball on this
particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut
or a nick.
One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When
he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball
and said a silent prayer.
Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above
said: WAIT ... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW
BALL. He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite
the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was
going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came
down again: WAIT .. STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.
So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice
boomed out again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did.
Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again: PUT THE OLD BALL BACK.
-<>-
...
/` `\
/ \
|\~~~~~~~/|
| \=====/ |
| /`...'\ |
|/_______\|ldb
>Satisfaction Guaranteed
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see
the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm
for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter
of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the
letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found
the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for
our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very
satisfied."
-<>-
__ __ __
|==| |==| |==|
__|__|__|__|__|__|_
__|___________________|___
__|__[]__[]__[]__[]__[]__[]__|___
|............................o.../
\.............................../
hjw_,~')_,~')_,~')_,~')_,~')_,~')_,~')/,~')_
>The Rescuer and the Rescued!
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time
when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was
an 80 year old man in the water who rescued her. The crew pulled
them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful
as well as astonished that such a white-haired old man performed
such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of
the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award
and was asked to say a few words. He said, "First of all, I'd like
to know who pushed me."
-<>-
\\ /////
| |
(| _ _ |)
|` | '|
| __ |
>>>___/\_^__/\___<<<
/ ||| \
Mike Hertz
>Duty Hour Standards for Today's Military
MARINES: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.
ARMY: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
NAVY: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300,
train until 1600.
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to
1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken
from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500. Happy Hour starts at
1500 at the NCO Club.
-<>-
F-16
,-----.
\======'.
\ {} '.
\ \/ V '.
\ || | '._ _,cmmmnc,_
\___68FS___\'-._=----+- _______________,.-=:3H)###C-- `c._
:|=--------------`---"'`. ` `. `. `, `~""==="~` `'-.___
,dH] ' =(*)= : ---==;=--; . ; +-- -_ .-`
:HH]_:______________ ____,.........__ _____,.----=-"~ `
;:""'"'----._.------\` : . `.'`'"'"'"P
|: .-'==-.__)___\. : . .'`___L~___(
|: _.'` '| / \.: . .-`""`
`'"' `--' \: ._.-'
dew }_`============>-
>Bet You Can't Beat That
We were about three hours into a long refueling mission, ferrying
fighter aircraft across the Atlantic, when one of the fighter
pilots maneuvered his plane ahead of our tanker's nose and
executed several rolls. "Bet you can't do that," the fighter jock
taunted over the radio.
"That was pretty impressive," responded our pilot. "How about
showing it to us again when my co-pilot gets back? He's taking his
steak out of the oven."
-<>-
____________________________________
|.==================================,|
|| I WILL LISTEN TO THE TEACHER. ||
|| I WILL LISTEN TO THE TEACHER. ||
|| I WILL LISTEN TO THE TEACHER. ||
|| I .----;ISTEN , ||
|| /`\/ \/`\ / ||
|| )_/| |\_(/\ ||
|| \______/ /\/ ||
|| _(____)__/ / ||
||___/ ,_ _ ___/___________________||
'====\___\_) |======================='
|______|
/______\
|_||_|
jgs (__)(__)
>How Professors Grade Exams...
DEPARTMENT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books,
close them and turn them in. The professor opens the
books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God!
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why
they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final
and the student has accumulated a passing grade then
the student will receive an A, else the student will
not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening
to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and -
would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A
-<>-
_,=.=,_
,'=. `\___,
/ \ (0 | __ _
/ \ ___/ /| | ''--.._
| | \) || | ===|\
', _/ .--' || | ====| |
`"`; ( || | ===|/
[[[[]]_..,_ \|_|_..--;"`
/ .--""``\\ __)__|_
.' .\,,||___ | |
( .' -""`| `"";___)---'|________|__
|\ / __| [_____________________]
\| .-' `\ |.----------.|
\ _ | || ||
jgs ( .-' ) || ||
`""""""""""""` """ """
>Why Dogs Can't Use Computers:
He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
Saliva-coated keyboards refuse to work.
Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."
It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
_.-;;-._
'-..-'| || |
'-..-'|_.-;;-._|
'-..-'| || |
jgs '-..-'|_.-''-._|
He can't stick his head out of the Microsoft Windows.
========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Twin Baby Elephants!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/twinelephants.html
Pets Left Home Alone 3!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/petshome3.html
World's Fastest Cars!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/fastcars.html
Kangaroos And Wallabies!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kangaroos.html
Grand Canyon Skywalk!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/skywalk.html
Wildlife In Abundance!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildlifeplaces.html
God's Night Lights 3!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/night3.html
86 Year Old Grandma Gymnast!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/grandmagymnast.html
New York At Night!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newyork.html
Beautiful Australia 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beautifulaustralia2.html
World's Largest Pitbull!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/largestpitbull.html
Lighthouses Of The World!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lighthouses.html
Road Train Trucks!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/roadtrain.html
Birth Of An island!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/island.html
Silly Veggies!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/veggies.html
Global Warming!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/warming.html
Moms And Dads Index!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/momsanddadsindex.html
-<>-
How to Become a Christian - How to Get Born Again / How to Get Saved /
Romans 10:9 & 10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMzblR8YDQ0
Bible
https://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/kjv/
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
WALK SYDNEY STREETS
Grief-stricken after his wife of sixty years passed away,
Alan Waddell began walking as a way to 'keep going.' This
touching site documents Mr. Waddell's travels through every
single street in all of Sydney's 138 suburbs.
http://www.walksydneystreets.net/index.htm
---
...Pretty Interesting! Thanks LouiseAu!
========================================================
>-->Past Quotes & Thunkers:
"The city of Boston is planning to have the Rolling Stones
play a concert in Fenway Park this fall. That’s kind of a
tradition in Boston, like winning the World Series. Every
86 years, the Rolling Stones come back and play again."
--Jay Leno
"Anybody watch the royal wedding this weekend? Very exciting.
Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles. And get this -
Phil Collins was one of the guests at the royal wedding. In
fact, at one point Phil Collins looked around and said, 'Wow,
I'm the best-looking person here.'"
--Conan O'Brien
"A 12-year-old Seattle student and his friends were caught
and suspended for counterfeiting one-dollar bills. Something
tells me that someday that kid's gonna be the head of a
multi-national energy company."
--Dennis Miller
"Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the
economy but he stubbornly refused to say the word recession.
Instead, Bush said, 'Our country is heading towards some-
thing that has three syllables and rhymes with refreshin.'"
-Conan O'Brien
The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. It's
a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing
video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there
in the sunshine and really stealing cars." -Jimmy Kimmel
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James
"Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man
to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."
-Karl Marx
"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than
others." -George Orwell
"Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee
that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have
to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts." -Conan O'Brien
"Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said,
'Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!'"
-Jay Leno
"Los Angeles' tap water was voted the tastiest in the United
States. Fine. I like New York City tap water. I like that
you can blow the head off it." -Dave Letterman
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see
people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or
there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent."
--Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the dangers posed by gay marriage
"I would not say that the future is necessarily less
predictable than the past. I think the past was not
predictable when it started."
--Donald Rumsfeld
"They can get in line like those who have been here legally
and have been working to become a citizenship in a legal
manner."
--George W. Bush, on immigrant workers, Washington, D.C.,
Dec. 20, 2004
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah, Shangy!
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http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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-->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $35 will get your a message (of up to 40
words) out to all web site list readers.
Email me to secure dates.
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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