A Fishy Day, Cats And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. While the ads on the website do help, I don't want to drag the site down with tons of them to pay for it. I need your help! "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, the easiest way to do that is through online giving. It is easy to use, and most of all, it is secure. Please visit the site, scroll down and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL form page comes up. NOTE: Paypal will generate a 'Quantity 1' and 'Price per item' form. Just ignore the price per item and put whatever it is you desire to give in there. With Paypal, you will have your normal receipt for your 'payment' donation in USD (United States Dollars). You can put a memo in there if you'd like. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU MOST ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This super scorcher new page is from our friend Linda. One of those fun places to visit! It appears to be a perfect haven for water fun and couple romance. Be sure to check this out here: O , .::7:::::U2\P\ '*qf\P '<\ '<\ ' ' unknown Africa's Manta Resort http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/manta.html --- ...Wow! I'd especially love the night views there! Thanks Linda! -<>- /\ ,'.' ',' _.,._ _,.-+`'+-._ .|. _.+'` `.' \ (___) ,' \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ _.-~`'~-._ _\_.-+'`'`+-._\ ag `,' `---` >Just A Note... Yesterday I talked a little about politics to you in my Extra and was rather surprised and pleased to learn I wasn't the only one with these exact same views. I normally record Saturday night's Judge Jeanine show and watch it when I have time later on Sunday. That was again the case this time, but when I watched it last night, I was amazed at how much her show correlated with my little Extra article and how like minded we were. Then it hit me. That's God. He does this all the time. I'll get an idea to bring something to your attention and then I'll see later that some very popular people are talking about the same thing! That's not a coincidence. I don't receive daily talking points or anything. Not that many people care about little ole me to try and direct what I bring up and share with you. God brings us together with His wisdom and His knowledge. See if you don't agree. Check out her show here: Justice With Judge Jeanine 6/23/18 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7CCobGTZWk And If you have never seen this demonstration - make sure you do! Immigration, World Poverty and Gumballs - NumbersUSA.com https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPjzfGChGlE ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: ________________________ ///\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\\ //\{}//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//{}/\\ ///&%&%&%&/~~~~~~~~~~~~\&%&%&%&\\\ ||&%&%&_.' '._&%&%&|| ||&%''' '''%&|| ||&%& ~c &%&|| ||&%& o )____ <)\/ &%&|| ||&%& /_=-/_____| /\ &%&|| ejm97 ||&%&& ( /\.| | /~/ &&%&|| ______||&%&&======================&&%&||______ Conductor to orchestra at the beginning of a rehearsal: "Please get your pencils out, we have some marking to do on this score: The first two bars are in 3/4, not 4/4 as written. Next, in the 5th bar, change it to 7/8 and this remains to the end. Now, in bar 7 we lower the pitch 1/2 step. In bar 13, lower the pitch one whole step and this will remain to the end. Thank you. Now, let us begin." Soprano soloist: "Excuse me, Maestro. What would you like for me to change?" Conductor: "Nothing at all madam. Just sing it exactly as you did yesterday." -<>- The teacher was telling the story of Christoper Columbus and how many thought that the world was flat. Then she had mentioned that the world was really round and got interrupted... "Miss Smith, the world is square, not round," said Johnny. "No, it's round Johnny. Who told you it was square?" replied the teacher. "My older brother. He claims he's been to all 4 corners of the earth." -<>- A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies, "Four." The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question: "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal?" An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ June 25 is Log Cabin Day and National Catfish Day June 26 is Beautician's Day, Forgiveness Day and National Canoe Day June 27 is Sun Glasses Day June 28 Insurance Awareness Day, International Body Piercing Day and Paul Bunyan Day June 29 is Camera Day, Hug Holiday, International Mud Day and Waffle Iron Day June 30 is Meteor Day July 1 is Build A Scarecrow Day, Canada Day / Dominion Day, Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day, International Chicken Wing Day and International Joke Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: __, .-'_-'` .' {` .-'````'-. .-'``'. .'(0) '._/ _.-. `\ } '. )) _<` )` | `-.,\'.\_,.-\` \`---; .' / ) ) '-. '--: ( ' ( ) '. \ '. ) .'( / ) )/ ( '. / '._( ) .' jgs ( ( `-. >Resume My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her resume. He didn't get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem. "Is it too generic?" she asked. "I doubt it," said her father. "Especially since it's addressed 'Dear Sir or Madman.'" -<>- >Can't Hear You Dad: Max! Why didn't you answer me when I called you? Max: I didn't hear you, Dad. Dad: What do you mean you didn't hear me? Max does not respond. Dad: How many times didn't you hear me? Max: I don't know, maybe three or four times. -<>- >Specific Language I tried to explain to a client why I couldn't help him with a project that was written in a programming language that I didn't know. "Let's say you're asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I'm fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don't understand Chinese, I'm not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?" He said he did and thanked me. The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, "Why is (client's name) asking us if we're fluent in Chinese?" -<>- >Jeans I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year." -<>- >Preparation for Parenthood MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night). GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) _ )_ `. )_ `. \ )_ `. `| )_ `.` / )_ `-.` | )_ `-.` ` \ )_.- ` ` \ )_.-` ` \ )_.-`\ /\ \ )_.-| \O \ | \ \ _ / / \ _ ) `-._ / /O\ /O\ \ _.-` ( ) `-/ `-' `-' \-` ( ) _.-| __ |-._ ( )_.-` \ .-' `-._ / `-._( LGB \ `-.__.--`/ `-._ _.-" `` >SMILES A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?" ---------- A newcomer to Manchester arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The boy replies, "How should I know? I'm only 6." ---------- Over beers, two mates were having a discussion about the charms of a certain actress. "I say she's overrated," said one. "Take away her hair, her lips, and her figure, and what have you got?" "My ol' lady." said the other. ---------- I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet. "How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman. "A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?" ---------- Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good grief, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!! ------- A young woman brought her fiance' home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk. "So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the man. The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered, "another Democrat, He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God." ------- | I wouldn't do that | if I were you... : / J / o\_ /o ~~~~~~~~~/(_/~~~ ~~~(__\~~~ ~~~~~~ b'ger A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" -------- Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’ The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’ The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, ‘It’s just 99 cents a word.’ Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’ The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’ The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.’ --- ...OH My! HaHaHa! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Karen :) ^ // ___ ___ (*) "O" / _ _ \ (*) / \ / \ (*) "O" | | | |\ // |O |O |___/ \ ++ // \_/ \_/ \ | ++ // _/ __ \ \ / /| /\ (________/ __ |_/ / | | | (___ / | |\ / / / | \ \| |___/ | | | | / \_________ _/ ++++ / | | | ++ \ | | / / | ++ | / +++ / / | | ++ /__/ ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~+++~~~~ ~ >Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can: A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been Translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.... Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. The hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. Bed Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it." -<>- ....._____....... / \/| \o__ /\| \| >You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to have child after child on the "State's dime' while never being held responsible for their own choices. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work). You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is really protecting the rights of the people. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... The rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their children. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... You pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor defaults on his mortgage (while buying iphones, TV's and new cars) and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage (with your tax dollars). You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe". You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion. You know you live in an Upside-down Land if... An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burqa is only subject to having her neck and head searched. -<>- 7,_ .'. , __..'`;`-' | `--;| `\._ `\.`. `\ |`._./7 /_.`>.-~"""`~-. | ; _, `\..-' .-',/ <_|<| |>-. | `""/ |`"7'/' _.----..< <|`.; /: __.' /,/ ./' `\.` ; `. ; `> `\--":/ .' ` \`\ \ .' .__. :;.' .-"""-. _.. \/ ,/' | / / , : `. /'.--' | /'/ <; / |`\ \ _.._:|/ /\ | : : / / : `-'" < \ ' (_o|/ :`\.\-._.-' ' j `\. `\.__ _ \ | \`-. _.' `.__/ \/'._\, `\ / , _.-"" `\\ 7-. o `> : /,-' ,/ `\ `--' \ || `-~-" `\_\ fsc Monster fish from the deepest parts of the sea... Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!" --- ...LOL! Oh my goodness! Thanks Karen! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: First Lady Melania Trump Makes Surprise Visit to Texas Shelter, Seeks To ‘Quickly’ Reunite Families https://tinyurl.com/ya4jffaa Six Months After Tax Reform, Something Big Is Happening - The Wall Street Journal https://tinyurl.com/y99p49c This is How to Reshape American Government for the 21st Century - The Hill https://tinyurl.com/ybunpyfa Boom: Over 95% of Manufacturers Bullish on Future, ‘Record Optimism’ - Washington Examiner https://tinyurl.com/ycd45g9o President Trump Wants My Department to Keep Space Safe. We’re Ready. - The Washington Post https://tinyurl.com/ybzjt73s WhiteHouseNews: https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Latest From RightAlerts: http://rightalerts.com Latest At FoxNews: http://www.foxnews.com/ Latest From MRC News: https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck Latest From TrueDailyNews: http://truedaily.news/category/news/ Students For Life https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6 Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Move America Forward http://www.moveamericaforward.org/ -<>- >From BizarreNews: There are too many guns in America, at least from this guy's point of view. After pulling off what sounds like a slick, little 'snatch-and-grab' he was confronted with one of America's biggest problems; too many guns. The incident began when 36-year-old Christopher Raymond Hill, entered the liquor store at Walmart in Florida and asked if he can exchange a $20 for smaller bills. The employee informed Hill that he would have to buy something in order to get change from the $20 bill. Hill then bought a pack of cigarettes, but when the cashier opened the register, he jumped on the counter, he grabbed the cash register and ran out of the store. In the parking lot, Hill got into a car where a man was sitting with his family. Hill pulled out a knife and ordered the husband to drive him to where he needed to go. But when the victim pulled out his gun in self-defense, Hill fled. He then went to another car and tried to get another man to drive him away from the crime scene. This victim also pulled out a gun, scaring the knife-wielding robber. Hill fled on foot across the street where he barricaded him- self in the bathroom of a Supercuts store. Police were eventually able to arrest Hill. He was taken into custody on charges of strong-arm robbery, carjacking with a firearm or deadly weapon, aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and trespassing. -<>- While this is one of the more despicable crimes a person could come up with, you have to appreciate the ingenuity. So what is the biggest risk in a robbery? Getting caught, of course. Especially if you get caught by someone packing a firearm, like a police officer or one pissed off homeowner who does not appreciate the fact that you just used a crow- bar to force open his $400 premium 4-panel steel security door with shatter-resistant frosted glass and are now standing in his living room holding his Xbox One. The obvious solution is to make sure that no one is going to be wherever you are planning to rob. But how? This woman came up with a way to rob people while ensuring that they will not be home at the time. Police in New York began looking for a thief who targeted people while they were mourning the loss of their loved ones. Several people in Westchester County filed reports on different occasions after returning home from funerals and finding that their homes were burglarized. In a rather morbid sting operation, Greenburgh Police waited outside the home of someone who died in Tarrytown until they caught 26-year-old Latonia Stewart from the Bronx trying to enter. Officers found items that was stolen from a home in Irvington in her vehicle. Police said that Stewart looked through obituaries to pick her targets, knowing exactly when they would be out of their homes. She was arrested on multiple burglary-related charges. *---- Basic Driving Skills Defeat Car Thief ----* Security cameras outside a Pennsylvania home were rolling when an attempted truck thief was foiled by his inability to make a three-point turn. The Bensalem Police Department posted a video showing the man attempting to steal a pickup truck, which had been left unlocked in a driveway with the keys inside. The man attempts to make a three-point turn around the car parked behind the truck, but repeatedly hits the other vehicle. The would-be thief eventually gets out of the truck and flees on foot *------------- James Bond He's Not -------------* A couple traveling on a Florida highway captured video of a driver using some kind of device to cover their license plate while going through a toll booth. The video, recorded on eastbound Highway 836 in Miami, shows the Chrysler Pacifica traveling in front of the filmer's vehicle when a black cover descends to conceal its license plate from toll booth cameras. The couple said they reported the driver to the Florida Highway Patrol. "I was told by the Florida State Troopers that this is not the first time this driver has committed this crime," the woman wrote. *------- Porn Shoot Heats Up Fire Station ------* Two Akron, OH Fire Department firefighters, Arthur Dean and Deann Eller are on paid leave pending an investigation into allegations that they created pornographic videos in an Akron fire station. According to Chief Tucker, the station received an anonymous tip that the pornographic material was online. The firefighters were placed on administrative leave immediately following the findings. Akron Mayor Dan Horrigan and Fire Chief Clarence Tucker released the following state- ment: "Allegations involving two City of Akron firefighters recently came to the attention of the City. The allegations relate to the creation of pornographic content displayed online - some of which is alleged to have taken place on City property. The City is actively conducting an investigation into the allegations, and we will take prompt and appropriate action based on the results of that investigation. The two employees were immediately placed on administrative leave pursuant to their union agreement, pending the investigation. The employees involved are not assigned to work at the same fire station and were known to be in a long-term relationship." *----- I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won -----* A Mississippi man is accused of beating a neighbor with a hammer and an ax handle for hiring someone else to mow their lawn. The Greenwood Commonwealth reports 39-year-old Brad Gentry had been paid to mow his neighbor's lawn but stopped halfway through and left. Sheriff Ricky Banks says the neighbor, Ray Farris, then went and got someone else to finish the task. Banks says Gentry came back angry and "beat the heck out of the man and took $40 off of him." Gentry is charged with armed robbery and aggravated assault for the attack. Banks says Farris drove himself to the hospital despite being struck in the head multiple times. The extent of his injuries is unknown. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Cloie :) ____ /\| ~~\ /' | ,-. `\ | | X | | _|________`-' |X /' ~~~~~~~~~, /' ,_____,/_ ,/' ___,'~~ ; ~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|--- / X,~~~~~~~~~~~~, | | | XX'____________' | | /' XXX| ; | | --x| XXX,~~~~~~~~~~~~, | | X| '____________' | o |---~~~~\__XX\ |XX | | XXX`\ /XXXX ~~~~~~~~'~~~~~~~' `\xXXXXx/' \XXX /XXXXXX\ /XXXXXXXXXX\ /XXXXXX/^\XDCAU\ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ [Politics] Dear Hollywood celebrities You exist for my entertainment. Some of you are great eye candy. Some of you can deliver a line with such conviction that you bring tears to my eyes. Some of you can scare the crap out of me. Others make me laugh. But you all have one thing in common, you only have a place in my world to entertain me. That’s it. You make your living pretending to be someone else, playing dress up like a 6 year old. You live in a make believe world in front of a camera, and often, when you are away from one too, your entire existence depends on my patronage. I’ll crank the organ grinder, you dance. I don’t really care where you stand on issues. Honestly, your stance matters far less to me than that of my neighbor. You see, you aren’t real in my life. I turn off the TV or shut down my computer and you cease to exist in my world, and once I am done with you, I can put you back in your little box until I want you to entertain me again. I don’t care that you think the Oil executives deserve the death penalty. But I bet you looked pretty and cute saying it. Am I supposed to care what the director of fluffy tripe made for gullible people thinks about global warming or gun control? Get back into your bubble. I’ll let you know when I’m in the mood for something blue and shiny. And I'm also supposed to care that you will leave this great country now that Trump is the president? Ha….WRONG!.... Please don't forget to close the door behind you.. We'd like to reserve your place for someone who loves this country and really wants to be here. Make me laugh, or cry, scare me, but realize that the only words of yours that matter are scripted. I might agree with some of you from time to time, but it doesn’t matter. In my world, you exist solely for my entertainment So, shut your pie hole Monkeys and dance! --- ...Oh My! LOL! About the size of it! Thanks Cloie! ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: |\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ __ ___ | \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ | O~-_ _-~~ ~~-_ | >----|-|-|-|-|-|-|--| __/ / BELIEVE ) | / / / / / / / / |__\ < ) |/ / / / / / / / \_ ME ! _) ~--___--~ unknown >Think About It I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity... I just can't put it down. -<>- >What Kind of Tracks Are They? Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks." And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. -<>- >I Got A Note They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead, they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am." The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!" -<>- ,.. . ,.. . ,.. . ,.. . ,.. . ,.. . `~' `~^~' ``~' `~^~' ``~' `~^~' ``~' `~^~' ``~' `~^~' ``~' `~^~' ` \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \\ \\/ \\\/ \\ \/ \\ \/ \\ \/ \\ \/ \,... \ ,... \ ,... \ ,... \ ,.../ \ ,...\/ \ ,... \/\ \\;::(O; \\\;::(O; \\\;::(O; \\\;::(O; \\\;::(O;/ \\\;::(O;\/\\\;::(O; \\\\ <{(fishy <{(fishy/ <{(fishy / <{(fishy /<{(fishy <{(fishy/ <{(fishy\/ <{ //^UWU~ \///^UWU~/ ///^UWU~\/ ///^UWU~ \////^UWU~ \///^UWU~/ ///^UWU~\/ /// \/// \// // / \/ /// / // //\/ / /\/ // \/ // \/// \/ / \// \/// \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ o0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O 0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0O o0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O0oo0Oo0OOo0O Richard Kirk >The Best of Rodney Dangerfield "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!" "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." "What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!" "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face." "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing." -<>- ~~~. ~~ ^ .^ ~~ ~~~ , ~ ^ . , . ~~~~ . ~~ . . ~ ~ ~~. . ^. ~ ___ ---.. ~~ ^ ~~~ ^ ^ // ____ ___ $^$ ~~~^^^. .~~^^. . ~ _ || // ~~ ~~~ ^ ^~~. \.% \:/ ____ ^ ^ ^ ^ ~~~,\\/\_ ___.~~~.% ~~~. ^~ %`\ /xXx\ /`_ .\~~'^``~~~~~% . ~~'~'~ / \ _/ \// %.~ ~~~% ~~ \'[xXxXx]`/ \| | / \ | [xXxXxXx] . . \|/\$| ~~/ :! ' | [XxXxXxX] ' /|\ /$| ~~\ ;! . /.[XxXxX]`\ . ' \ \_/ \_ / /`| \XxX/ |.\ , \/___\/|\ _/\\___ ) ) } . ' |/ V \| __/\__ ||\/\\ . \ . . / \\_ \\___ } ) ) '| ' | ' . ' , /_ v _\ ' ' . | . | \/ . ' " , . ' African Dancer >Q and A Quickies Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning? A: At the quack of dawn. Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A twig. Q: What does Godzilla drive? A: A monster truck! Q: Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield? A: There are too many ears! ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: ,-. ,.---'''^\ O { \ ,__\,---'''''`-., O O I \ K`,'^ _ `'. o \ ,.J..-'` // (O) ,,X, o / (_ (( ~ ,;:''` o / ,.X'., \\ ':;;;: (_../ -._ ,'` K.=,;.__ /^~/___..'` / /` ~~~ Zeus The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store." -<>- The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number." The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.) -<>- A pretty young blonde stood at the bank cashier's window and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said, handing it over. The teller examined the check and said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?" For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes! It's me, all right!" The clerk said, "No Ma'am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification." The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of people. "This is a recent family photo," she explained. "That's me, third from the left." -<>- /(_ /_ (_ / O \ |_. | \ | | |\ / | \ | \ (-.\ fish walking _)\ \ ( )_/\ \_( \ / ) ( _ _ _ / _ \ /'\/'\'\ / _// / \(/\(/(/ \\_/_/ \_\/ ./<./If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything: Stamps - Lickie Stickie Defibrillators - Hearty Starty Bumble bees - Fuzzy Buzzy Pregnancy test - Maybe Baby Bra - Breasty Nestie Fork - Stabby Grabby Socks - Feetie Heatie Hippo - Floatie Bloatie Nightmare - Screamy Dreamy -<>- .'|_.- .' ' /_ .-" -. '> .- -. -. '. / /|_ .-.--.-. ' > / / (o( o( o ) \_." < '-'-''-' ) < ( _.-'-. ._\. _\ '----"/--.__.-) _- \| AoS "V"" "V" >A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You'll be afraid to cough. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for much but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. -<>- /\ / | \ o _.-`/`-._ _ _/ \_ _ ) `-._ _/ /O\ /O\ \_ _.-` ( ) `-/ `-' `-' \-` ( ) _.-| ___ |-._ ( )_.-` \ .-' `-._ / `-._( \ `-.___.--` / LGB "-._ _.-" "-._.-" A young city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to be appear macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, isn't that fine-looking bunch of cows over there." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' it's 'herd.'" "Heard what?" "Herd of cows." "Sure, I've heard of cows!" finished the city boy excitedly, "there's a big bunch of 'em right over there." ========================================================= >-->From TheJokester: ._ .-' `-. .-' \ ; .-'\ ; `._.' ; | | | ; : ; : ; : / / ; : , ; | .-"7| .-'" : .-' .' : .-' \ .' .' `. .' `-. ""-.-'`"" `",`-._..--"7 ; . `-.J `-, ;"`.;|,_, ; _.' | `"" `. ."""--. o \:.-. _.' ."" : ,--`; , `--/}o,' ; ; .___.' / ,--.`-. `-..7_.- /_ \ : `..__.._; .'__; `---..__.-'-.`"-, .' `--. | \_; \' `-._.-") \\ `-, `. -.`_): `. `-"""`. ;__.' ;/ ; " `-.__7" `-..._.'`7 -._;' ``"-'' `--.,__.' fsc >Cat Quotes "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." -<>- _ \`*-. ) _`-. . : `. . : _ ' \ ; *` _. `*-._ `-.-' `-. ; ` `. :. . \ . \ . : .-' . ' `+.; ; ' : : ' | ; ;-. ; ' : :`-: _.`* ; [bug] .*' / .*' ; .*`- +' `*' `*-* `*-* `*-*' >Things Cats Must Try To Remember Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase bugs. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my tail. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not my toys. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor. Or picking it up with my mouth and shaking it from side to side. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee. The goldfish likes living in water and doesn't want to come out and play. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live spider, even if it isn't as tasty. Just because I hear voices in my head, I don't have to answer them! --- _._ _,-'""`-._ (,-.`._,'( |\`-/| `-.-' \ )-`( , o o) -bf- `- \`_`"'- ...And one from my own cat: That cat in the clothes washer glass will always be there. I don't have to watch it and carefully walk by it every time to make sure it doesn't leap out and get me. (My cat sees his reflection in the clothes washer glass as he walks by it to go to his food and water. He slows down and cautiously walks by watching his reflection every single time!) ========================================================= >-->From TheMouth: ) _. mmeeoowwrr! (___)'' / ,_,/ /'"\ )\ itz >Food for thought: * Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. * You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future. * Love... and you will be loved. * All people smile in the same language. * A hug is a great gift, one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange. * Everyone needs to be loved, especially when they do not deserve it. * The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity. * Laughter is liquid sunshine. * Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it. * It's important for parents to live the same things they teach. * If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for. * Happy memories never wear out. Relive them as often as you want. * Home is the place where we grumble the most, but are often treated the best. * The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow. * If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it. * Patience is the ability to idle your motor, when you feel like stripping your gears. -<>- //||\ ( <' ) ) )_( /.____) /(____. \ / _ | _ \ | \|/ | \ ( /_\ ) / \ `._)_.' / `.`. .'.' `.`.' ( + ) VK `.\ ' ` >Top Ten Signs You're Paranoid 10. You run away upon seeing a mall directory that says, "You are here." 9. Thirty five locks on your sock drawer just aren't enough. 8. You hire a private eye to keep an eye out on your house, but then fire him because he's part of the conspiracy. 7. Before you take the garbage cans back from the street, you check them for really short Mafia hit men. 6. You are learning six foreign languages because you just know those people you don't understand are talking about YOU. 5. You even wonder if the guard dog you hired is secretly plotting against you. 4. You have a funny feeling the voices in your head are plotting behind your back. 3. It takes you three hours each evening to program the household alarms and video surveillance system before you can go to bed. 2. You're checking off each number on this list as you read. 1. The Witness Relocation Program has told you to stop showing up unless you have an actual reason to. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Menu Bloopers!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menubloopers.html Veggie Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/veggie.html Big Boy Toys!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bigboytoys.html Egg Face Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eggface.html Egg Sculpture Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/egg.html Beautiful Starfish!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/starfish.html Fishing In Florida!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/f