A Lizard Story And More ... :) Shangy!
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"We are each of us angels with but one wing,
and can only fly by embracing each other"
-Luciano Decrescenzo
~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~
,
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*~* WE NEED MORE 2009 CARING And SHARING Angels *~*
>Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel?
If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2009
Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click
on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up.
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*~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY!
================
>-->In The 'Shangy' News :)
>Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press:
This one is a scorcher! It comes from our friend Sandi
with a two added corrections from 2 quick readers Roland
and Emre. I like these cool fact pages! This was one I
hope you will find as interesting as I did!
.-..-.
(-o/\o-)
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World's Largest Things
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/largest.html
---
...Great one! Thanks Sandi, Roland and Emre!
====================================================================
`'::.
When Is It Time To Clean House? _________H ,%%&%,
/\ _ \%&&%%&%
I clean my house according to some / \___/^\___\%&%%&&
simple principles that are easy to | | [] [] |%\Y&%'
remember: | | .-. | ||
~~@._|@@_|||_@@|~||~~~~~~~~~
1. If you have just stepped on `""") )"""` jgs
something and danced around in pain
until you slipped on a magazine, it is probably time to pick up
again.
___ ___ 2. If you find your scissors by
/ _ \ _.-'_.' feeling around your dining room
\____`-.____.-'_.-' table until you feel something
`-. _.\.-' hard of the correct shape, it's
____.-'`__/-._ time to clear off a few things.
/ _ .-'` '-._`-._
\___/ '-._'-. 3. If you need a gas mask to open
jgs `"` your fridge, you might think about
throwing away some of
4. If you drop your comb in those leftovers. .-.
the bathroom and you pick it | |
it up with more hair than is currently attached to |=|
your head, it's time to sweep. |=|
| |
5. If the neighbors are circulating a petition | |
about the state of your yard, you might consider | |
cutting the grass - but only if you've failed to | |
buy them off with a doll dress or two. | |
| |
6. When sorting newspaper, ask yourself if anyone | |
asked for it in the last six months (or the last | |
time you sorted, whichever comes later). If no | |
one has, throw it out. | |
___________ | |
/=//==//=/ \ 7. If your feet stick | |
|=||==||=| | walking across the kitchen | |
|=||==||=|~-, | floor, it's time to mop. |=|
|=||==||=|^.`;| jgs |=|
jgs \=\\==\\=\`=.: 8. If it takes more than |_|
`"""""""`^-,`. 20 minutes to find your .=/I\=.
`.~,' kids when you wake them up ////V\\\\
9. If you ',~^:, in the morning, it's time |#######|
haven't seen `.^;`. to have them clean their |||||||||
the floor of ^-.~=;. rooms - use new doll |||||||||
your car for `.^.:`. dresses or Power Ranger |||||||||
a week because stuff as incentives. |||||||||
of the Happy Meal |||||||||
litter on the floor and 'wash me' is written in the
dust on the outside of the car, it's time to take the hint.
=================================================================
+----------------- Bizarre Oklahoma Laws ------------------+
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to
congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of
another's hamburger.
It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in
your boots.
People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or
jailed.
Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punishable by one year
in jail and a $2,500 fine.
Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their
name and picture shown on television.
Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public
bus.
Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.
It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone
inside to pretend to make love with a buffalo.
=======================================================
>-->From Our Friends Maxy's Pal And Becky :)
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THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island
with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids ;
keep his assigned house clean ,
correct all homework ,
and complete science projects ,
cook , do laundry ,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.
In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.
Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives ,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing .
Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment ,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment .
He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.
He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house ,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.
The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done .
The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily ,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes ,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed .
During one of the six weeks ,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties..
They must attend
weekly school meetings ,
church , and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them , dress them ,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks,
and each father will be required to know all of the
following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name..
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.
Oh yes, did I mention that they have to work
a 40 Hour/Week job in addition to these few
tasks and feed the dog, oops got to keep
that water bowl filled!?
The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if..
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!
After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.
Just don't send it back to me..... I'm going to bed.
---
...LOL! Thanks Ladies!
=====================================================
>-->From Our Friend Maxy's Pal :)
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>Woman over 50
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and
ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and
it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of
course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they
think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins
to a woman over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier
than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off
if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-
coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow
pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
Send this to five fine, fun, fabulous, fancy-free female friends
over 50, or Men who might appreciate it too
---
...Lol! Thanks Maxy's Pal!
-<>-
>Indian Legend:
Do you know the legend of one Indian youth's rite of Passage?
His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and
leaves him alone.
He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove
the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it.
He cannot cry out for help to anyone.
Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.
He cannot tell the other boys of this experience,
because each lad must come into manhood on his own.
The boy is naturally terrified.
He can hear all kinds of noises.
Wild beasts must surely be all around him.
Maybe even some human might do him harm
The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat
stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he
could become a man!
Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his
blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the
stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting
his son from harm.
We, too, are never alone. Even when we don't know it, God is watching
over us, sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we
have to do is reach out to Him.
Moral of the story:
Just because you can't see God,
Doesn't mean He is not there.
'For we walk by faith, not by sight.'
---
...yes so true! Thanks Maxy's Pal!
-<>-
,-. | ,-.
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\:-) (+) (-:/
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/ / _/_)(+)(_\_ \ \
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(_,-'" / \ "`-._)
Krogg
>Concentrate on this Sentence
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never
did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you,
but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate
on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace
of God will not protect you.'
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There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Give this to everyone you don't want to lose in 2009
including me, if that's what is in your heart.
Try to collect 5 ; it's not easy!
---
...More of that sweet 'keepers' thingy - Thanks Maxy's Pal!
-<>-
.-.
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>Hey LADIES!!!
Remember....a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.
'A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you' on the
furniture.'
I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure
things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over'
Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they
were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the 'condition'
of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the
things I've been doing while I was away living life and
having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.
Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must .......
but wouldn't it be better
to paint a picture or write a letter,
bake cookies or a cake
and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must,
but there's not much time . . . .
with beer to drink, rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
music to hear and books to read,
friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must,
but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes,
the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow,
a shower of rain.
This day will not come around, again.
Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
old age will come and it's not kind. . .
And when you go -
and go you must -
you, yourself will make more dust!
Share this with all the wonderful women in your life.
I JUST DID.
---
...TeeHee! Thanks Maxy's Pal!
-<>-
>2012?
.-. .---.
| | .' /
*PODA-PLOP-PLOP-PLOP-PLOP-PLOP-PLOP-PLOP* _.-' `""-._/ .'_._
_ .' .-'.' >
( \/ (%) @ \.' .'
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/_"`.__.o _ / "`.__.o - "`.__.o L J
(\ \
"> .'\_)
VK (_/`-..___..-'
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT
IN THE YEAR 2012.. HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately
banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait
outside of our borders until you can.
(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in
order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country.
America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use
the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
We'll make it here and sell it here!
(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it
coming in here.
(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the
many observation towers located on the southern border of the United
States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire
on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If
you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the
President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the
40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for
drugs, and passing grades.
(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check
positive you're banned from sports ... for life.
(8). Crime -- We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time
you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'.
If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you
chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs
to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel
of oil.
(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately
cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and,
ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll
ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and
each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy
cause.
(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and
every day in Congress.
(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate
ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes ....
nevertheless....
GOD BLESS AMERICA !
Sincerely, Bill Cosby
---
...Or who ever this might be - "giggles" Thanks Maxy's pal!
===========================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
[POLITICS]
>From our Friend Viv:
This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats,
Republicans, EVERYONE!!
To President Obama and all 535 voting members
of the Legislature,
It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:
The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years
to get it right and it is broke.
Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get
it right and it is broke.
Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it
right and it is broke.
War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right;
$1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to
"the poor" and they only want more.
Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years
to get it right and they are broke.
Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it
right and it is broke.
The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence
on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of
$24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32
years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.
You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our
throats while overspending our tax dollars
AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH
A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??
Folks, keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end
up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected officials" in Washington !!
---
...Thank You Viv! I see I am not the only one irritated by our House Dems!
-<>-
>ObamaCare Vote Deepens Discord:
From Mathew Staver, Founder and Chairman Liberty Counsel
The razor-thin margin on the House's ObamaCare
vote speaks volumes about the deepening rift between
the American people and our Congress. Today I want
to THANK YOU for standing with me against this
outrageous government power grab! - Mat
By ramming their 2,000-page bureaucratic monstrosity of a
healthcare bill down the throats of the American people,
the Obama/Pelosi/Reid power axis may have made their
worst political mistake so far.
Their arrogant disregard of the will of the people was
clearly evident as shocked Americans woke up to the bad
news on Sunday morning. It is as though all of the
demonstrations, Town Hall meetings and millions of
personal contacts meant nothing at all to these demagogues!
+ + This travesty is no victory for Pelosi or President Obama!
Given the huge Democrat majority in the House, getting a
220-215 margin can hardly be called a mandate for ObamaCare.
+ + Be assured, we have made a huge difference in this struggle!
Folks, this battle is far from over, but you can
be VERY proud of what we have accomplished together!
I have recorded a special message to better express my
gratitude for your partnership in this great struggle
for the soul of our Nation. You can hear it by going here:
http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=22851&CID=297&RID=22279143
So please remain steadfast in your commitment to resisting
ObamaCare as it moves into the Senate, and never, never grow
weary of doing what is right!
Thank you and God bless you!
Mathew Staver, Founder and Chairman
Liberty Counsel
P.S. On a recent tour of our Capitol Building in Washington,
DC, Christian historian David Barton pointed out the very
spot upon which President John Quincy Adams' desk sat when
he served in Congress after leaving the presidency. As
you may know, Adams chose to run for Congress as an older
man because of his life-long commitment to end slavery in
our Nation.
After many years of apparently unsuccessful resistance to
the greatest evil of his day, this became Adams' motto, "Duty
is ours, results are the Lord's." By the way, his political
disciples in Congress had the honor of voting slavery down
in Lincoln's day.
Again, THANK YOU for your perseverance in standing with me
against the anti-faith, anti-life ObamaCare healthcare bill!
-<>-
>From Grassfire:
Obama calls us, "Tea-bag, Anti-government people"
Late Saturday night, Democrats narrowly passed what Rush
Limbaugh has dubbed "The Saturday Night Massacre,"
legislation that would cost the American public $3
trillion over the next decade; and would see 90 million
Americans lose their private insurance...
and that's just for starters...
I've just recorded a very special audio update with Ron
De Jong, Grassfire's Director of Communications that
focuses on the impact this legislation could have on you
and your family.
Click here to listen to our exclusive audio report:
http://www.grassfire.net/r.asp?U=22855&CID=122&RID=21663999
After listening to our short audio update, forward it to 25-30
friends and family members encouraging them to listen and
then sign our petition opposing ObamaCare, and everything
that it represents by clicking here:
http://www.grassfire.net/r.asp?u=22858&PID=21663999
I am encouraged by what took place on Saturday, and I'm
actually excited for the future of our nation. With your help
in the days and weeks ahead, we most certainly will win this battle.
Steve Elliott, President
Grassfire.org
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
-- 24 wrestle in gravy for charity ------------
STACKSTEADS, England - Organizers of the World Gravy
Wrestling Championships in Britain said 24 people
climbed into the messy ring to raise money for charity.
Carol Lowe, 37, landlady of The Rose 'n' Bowl pub in
Stacksteads, England, said manufacturer Bisto donated
440 gallons of gravy past its "best before" date for
the wrestlers to roll around in Monday and local fire
crews donated their time to hose down the participants
after they exited the ring, the BBC reported Tuesday.
The men's competition was won by Joel Hicks, 30, who
wrestled under the name Stone Cold Bisto, while Emma
Slater, 23, who dressed as Mrs. Claus for the event,
won the women's event. "All the proceeds are going to
East Lancashire Hospice, so it is just a nice day for
everyone involved," Lowe said.
-- 1,000 magnets removed from inside dog ----------
MICKLEHAM, Australia - An Australian woman said her dog
is recovering from emergency surgery to remove 1,000
magnets from its stomach. Cathy James of Mickleham said
her 11-year-old Australian cattle dog, Polly, swallowed
the magnets from her office Aug. 11 and underwent emergency
surgery the next day when the sharp items made the animal
ill, the Melbourne Herald Sun reported Monday. "The vet
said it wouldn't be that many, but when they operated
there was half a gravel track in there as well," she said.
James said Polly, who is recovering from her surgery, has
always been a curious eater, with previous items swallowed
by the dog including a computer mouse, gardening gloves,
a large rubber band and several rolls of fax paper.
-- Man arrested with duffel full of undies ----------
ORLANDO, Fla. - Authorities in Florida said a man with a
duffel bag full of new Victoria's Secret underwear was
arrested for violating probation warrants. The Orange
County Sheriff's Office said Khasim Charles Stephenson,
35, was accused of violating probation for fleeing a law
enforcement officer, grand theft and other counts, WKMG-TV,
Orlando, Fla., reported Monday. Deputies said Stephenson
was tracked to the Fairfield Inn in Orlando and arrested
as he was approached a vehicle. He was carrying a duffel
bag that was found to be full of new underwear, most still
bearing price tags, from Victoria's Secret. Authorities
said the underwear is believed to be stolen, but no charges
have yet been filed in relation to the items. Stephenson
has several prior convictions for grand theft and arrests
for violent felony charges including homicide, aggravated
battery on a law enforcement officer with a deadly weapon
and aggravated fleeing and eluding.
==========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Sandi :)
:\
;\\
; ;; __
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: (*).-"" :$$$$;
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: _,- `TP
; `. _ ;
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; '._____.-"_. 'T$$P^' :
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: .'/ "-. ; : :
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"
Dog Logic
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doglogic.html
---
...Thanks For The Sweet Reminder!
-<>-
_
, L\
\/OO\
|/ \
/_\ `
_\ |_ Arjen Pilon
--------------------
>Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who
walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
-<>-
__________
|DAILY NEWS|
|&&& ======|
|=== ======|
|=== == %%$|
|[_] ======|
|=== ===!##|
ejm97 |__________|
>Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the
Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings
before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!
They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
----------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
----------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
----------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
----------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to
spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want
to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).
We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
---
...Good Ones! Thanks Sandi!
============================================================
>-->From Our Friend Wesley :)
,-----.
W/,-. ,-.\W
()>a a<()
(.--(_)--.)
,'/.-'\_/`-.\`.
,' / `-' \ `.
/ \ / \
/ `. ,' \
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<,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \
`-)| |// _ \\| )/
|| |' | `|
|| | | |
|| ( )|( )
|| | | |
|| | | |
|| |_.--.|.--._|
|| /'""| |""`\
[] `===' `===' hjw
>Old Geezer - Qualifying Exam
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer
switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes
in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk
would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing
stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you
couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8. How was Butch Wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates
attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was Duck-and-Cover?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your
arms in an A-bomb drill
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed
tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure
17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,which tasted like
bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household
items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song
"Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Mills Brothers
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
ANSWERS:
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular
in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping
the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the
back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a
shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed,
movies and other public gathering places were closed to try
to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your
arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household
items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The Mills Brothers. The Ink Spots also recorded the song but the
Mills Brothers recorded it first.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.
SCORING:
17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted
with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a old geezer or you are younger
than springtime!
---
...Wow! Tough Ones! I'm a little muddy - with 13 correct. Thanks Wesley!
====================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Sandi :)
Copyright 2003 W. Bruce Cameron —
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
____...---...___
___.....---""" . ""--..____
. . .
. _.--._ /|
. .'()..()`. / /
( `-.__.-' ) ( ( .
. \ / \ \
. \ / ) ) .
.' -.__.- `.-.-'_.'
. .' /-____-\ `.-' .
\ /-.____.-\ /-.
\ \`-.__.-'/ /\|\| .
.' `. .' `.
|/\/\| |/\/\|
jro
>Lizard Story...
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's
what happened...
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards
he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought
we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said
accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe,"
he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does
to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Gosh sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding
for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that just isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um, Um M - you know? Just the way
he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just, Just...
Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved
that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . that . I'm
picturing you pulling on its . its . teeny little ." She gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs
Write to Bruce:
http://www.brucecameron.com/email_bruce.htm
---
...TeeHee! Great! Thanks Sandi!
==================================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bath-
room, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the
ther stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and
I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat
embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just
traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I
could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!'
Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have
to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions.
-<>-
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and poured out all of my beer!
-<>-
_
( ) ,,,,,
\\ . . ,
\\ | - D
(._) \__- |
| |
\\|_ , ,---- _ |----.
\__ ( ( / ) _
| \/ \. ' _.| \ ( )
| \ /( / /\_ \ //
\ / ( / / ) //
( , / / , (_.)
|......\ | \,
/ / ) \---
b'ger /___/___^//
New Year's Resolutions -- Over Time
2004: I will get my weight down below 170.
2005: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
2006: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
2007: I will work out once a week.
2008: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.
2009: I will think about doing situps once a day.
-<>-
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure,
haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he
said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot
all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up,
took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna
get a free haircut!'"
==========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Humorous Ads
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/humorad.html
Top Reasons To Smile
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/smile.html
Mexican lion
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lion.html
Just Thinking
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/thinking.html
Freaky Art Vans
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/artvan.html
Amazing Dog Houses
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doghouses.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Isaac :)
Good resource...
Criminal Justice Profiles:
http://www.criminaljusticeprofiles.org
---
...Thanks Isaac! Good site!
-<>-
Balloon Eater
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3559&pid=38556&s=n
Top 4 Funniest Animal Pranks
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3559&pid=40849&s=n
Voted The Top 10 Funny Posters
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3559&pid=40656&s=n
Green Terror Game
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3559&pid=39667&s=n
Top 5 Dangerous Sports Pics
http://www.funpageexchange.com/out.php?u=3559&pid=40836&s=n
-<>-
>From Our Friend Wesley :)
PICTURES: "Extraordinary" Ancient Skeletons Found
http://tinyurl.com/ye8dm8z
OpenOfficeMouse: 18 buttons and an analog joystick ?
http://tinyurl.com/yl4sjbx
SoundBible.com | Free Sound Effects
http://soundbible.com/
Chris.com - ASCII Art Collection
http://www.chris.com/ascii/
---
...I'll be checking that out for sure! Thanks Wesley!
-<>-
>From LynnLynn's Links:
An Intellectual Blonde
http://www.buffaloschips.com/klalka.htm
Asking For Directions
http://www.buffaloschips.com/qiwiopq.htm
Baby & Dog
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sshssm.htm
Baxter Black So Lucky To Be An American
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ksksks.htm
Beer Pong
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jaskal.htm
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
===============================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"I think vests are all about protection. The life vest pro-
tects you from drowning, and the bullet-proof vest protects
you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you
from pretty girls." -Demetri Martin
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married,
have a job, not have a job, be married with children, un-
married with children. Men have the same choice we've
always had: work or prison." -Tim Allen
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York
City. Well, we need more trees, because currently, squirrels
have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move
into a tree." -David Letterman
"A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and
votes from the poor to protect them from each other."
--Unknown
---AND Just One Year Ago---In The Not-so-diistant Past---
"Unemployment has hit 5.5 percent, the biggest increase
since 1986... 49,000 people were laid-off — and those
were Hillary Clinton campaign workers."
- Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Barack Obama took a break from the campaign
and took his family on a bike ride. Meanwhile, John McCain
took his family on a ride on his Rascal Scooter."
- Conan O'Brien
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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