A Satisfied Taxpayer & More ... :) Shangy! >-->From FunnyBone: Pete's New Apartment \_/ .:' .:' .:' -=(_)=- /\|| /\|| /\|| Pete and Larry had not / \ //\\| //\\| //\\| seen each other in many // \\ // \\ // \\ years. Now they were // \^/ \^/ \\ having a long talk, |[] []|[] []|[] []| trying to fill in the | | | | gap of those years by |[] []|[] []|[] []| telling about their | | | | lives. Finally Pete |[] []|[] []|[] []| invited Larry to visit &| || | || | || |% him in his new apartment. "jgs"&%&--==--&%-==--%&"""""%&%"""" "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you drop by and visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed?" ===================================================================== >-->From our friend John-PAUL :) >a Classic: , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' words of wisdom Q: What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? A: Psalms 117 Q: What is the longest chapter in the Bible? A: Psalms 119 Q: Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? A: Psalms 118 Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118 Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118 Add these numbers up and you get 1188. Q: What is the center verse in the Bible? A: Psalms 118:8 Q: Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives? The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives, and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word! Psalms 118:8 (NKJV) "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man." Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God always in the center of it , and everything)? . "Father God May I join with my friends in asking, Your blessing upon them, and grant to each, whatever their needs may be. I know You hear their prayers, And may their life be full of Your wonderful peace, prosperity, and power, as they seeks to have a closer relationship with You. In Jesus name Amen" Think about it. Ever wondered about how many people have prayed for you through out your life time, and how many you have caused other people to pray to God for others, through your telling them how good and real God Is? Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life for doing the thing that you know He loves , and When things get tough, always remember: "Faith " doesn't get you around trouble, It gets you through it ! "So just relinquish your control for your future, Let GOD, and you will surly obtain the real happiness you desire." May God Bless You and all Your Love Ones! Always John-Paul ----- ...Well said! Thank you Jean-Paul -<,,>- >THE OLD TREE _ .-"`.-'-. .-'.-.%_.- , ) (_. )%( .'% ,) (.-, %)'. _.) '-.%\%/-' %% %% jgs .,%%%._ They cut the Old Tree down today, Only a stump remains where Squreals did play, Where birds would sit in her limbs and sing, Nest and bring fourth their young in Spring. "It was an eye sore," all would look upon and say. So they cut the old tree to ground today. No more shade for old and young alike, Or rest for worry, walkers by, or bike. Gone benches set round for all to stop, Gone cool grass beneith for lazy animals to romp or flop. Nothing but a `Stump`, most displezing than the Old Tree, Oh, but then that`s progress, nature must bend, And then, After all, things must mover over for the `new Order` they tell me. Sitting on the stump counting it`s life rings, One for each year of age, of this old thing Eighty two the count, Oh no, could it be, The tree was much older than me When it but only a `Twig`, I thought with a sigh, Then, I was only a twinkle in my mother`s eye Years latter as a boy, on bike, I would happly ride by. Day come, young man, off to war, must go, The Old Tree stood stately stright, proud witness to victory`s marching Show. But, those days ,all gone now, With a tear in eye, Looking at the stump, Then rasing glance to the sky I prayed, Dear Lord, simple question, `WHY`? This Grand Old Tree of many years, Must Die? Suddenly, it occured to me, How fast, these days pass by, like once a beautiful Tree, Now only an ugly stump to eye, Out living it`s necessity, There looms, I`m sure, a day, Comming most swiftly now my Way, Yes, I know, Like the old Tree, I too must go, With most humble sigh, For there is; A time to live, A time to give, Then, a time to bid old Earth, and all-- Good-By. They Cut The `Old Tree` down today. Always~~~~~~~~John-Paul (THE OLD TREE) was just cut down near my home, and I counted the rings written: 4/14/07 ---- ...Sad one John-Paul. Some old trees get cut down for no good reason at all - too messy was my new neighbors reason for a tree that stood tall and proud for many years. It gave home to many, shade, soaked up the rains, and took the carbon we exhaled replacing it with oxygen - but - you know it also had those annoying stems, smelly flowers, and huge leaves to clean up each spring and fall. We nicknamed him tree-killer. For not only one old tree fell, but he had two removed - stumps and all. Now my town is following suit. Trees that lined our road for as long as I can remember must now go - gotta widen the road for a turn lane is the poor excuse. Like this little town has that much traffic that it is so important. But, progress wins and trees must go - even if they are our oldest. -<,,>- , __ \/ __ /\^/`\ /o \{}/ o\ If I had a flower for each time | \/ | \ () / I thought of you, my garden | | | `> /\ <` ,,, would be full... \ \ / @@@@ (o/\/\o) {{{}} _ _ '\\//' @@()@@ _ ) ( ~Y~ @@@@ _{ ' }_ || @@@@ _(_)_ wWWWw .oOOo. @@()@@ { `.!.` } || ,/ (_)@(_) (___) OO()OO @@@@ _ ',_/Y\_,' || ,\ | /) (_)\ Y 'OOOO',,,(\|/ _(_)_ {_,_} |\ || |\\|// vVVVv`|/@@@@ _ \/{{}}}\| (_)@(_) | ,,, | | || | |;,,,(___) |@@()@@ _(_)_| ~Y~ wWWWw(_)\ (\| {{{}} | | || / / {{}}} Y \| @@@@ (_)#(_) \| (___) | \| /~Y~ \ \||/ /\\|~Y~ \|/ | \ \/ /(_) |/ |/ Y \|/ |//\|/ jgs\ `\\//`,.\|/|//.|/\\|/\\|,\|/ //\|/\|.\\\| // \|\\ |/,\|/ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ~ MY SPRING GARDEN~ First plant three rows of `Peas`; Perseverance Politeness,and Prayer Next to them plant three rows of `Squash`; Squash gossip, Squash selfishness and Squash indifference, Then plant three rows of `Lettuce`; Let us be Loyal Let us be truthful, and Let us LOVE one another And no garden is complete with out `Turnips` Turn up for work Turn up for Church and Turn up with a smile! Wouldn't this world be more like a garden of EDEN if we all planted seeds like these? Please, LORD JESUS, lend me Your `Trowel`. Praise~GOD~~~~John-Paul Please visit my web-site if you like--(it has been up-dated)-- at: http://www.geocities.com/jpw1936/index.html ---- ...That's a sweet poem! -<,,>- \ ' / ~, .-. ^^ /| -= ( ) =- ^^ ~^~ /_|\ ^~~-~^~^~-=~=~=-~^~^~^-~^~^~^~ jgs~^~ ~^~^ ~-~^~~-~^~^~-=^~~^-~^~^~^-~^~^~^~ `EARTH`S LAST PICTURE` When `Earth's Last Picture` is painted, And oils last stroke be dried, When oldest colors have faded, And the youngest `Critic` has died, Then we shall rest, in Faith, for we shall need. Ah but to lie down for an eon or two, Till the MASTER of all good workmen, Put us to work anew. Those that were good shall be happy, They shall sit in `GOLDEN CHAIRS` Then we shall splash at a tin league of canvas, With brushes of camel's hairs, We shall find real SAINTS to draw from, JOHN, PETER, and PAUL. Almighty GOD, The `GREAT MASTER' Shall praise us ,YES, one and all. Only HE, shall offer blame, As we work for an age at sittings, Working not for love of money, Nor shall we work for fame. We each work for the `Joy` of the working, Each in his `Separate Star`, Shall draw things as he sees it, For The GOD OF ALL THINGS,--- AS THEY REALLY ARE! WELL PRAISE GOD!! Oh, how exciting to know that we are going to sit among the Saints, and will be able to paint beautiful images. Always~~~~~~~~~~John-Paul --- ...Yeah! And this world will be just a memory - all the terrible injustice and sadness gone! Praise God Almighty! Thanks Jean-Paul! ====================================================================== >-->From the Jokester: Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline: * No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies. * I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!! * How cute... a tax form done in crayon. * No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around. * Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants. * No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form. * I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument. * I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year. * Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!! -<>- Dear Internal Revenue Service: Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing for (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400.) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029.) which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screwdriver, (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head screwdrivers). One screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer ======================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Steve :) >FIRST TAX RETURN Q: "What should I put Down as Dependents?" , /) // (/ _/ ______ ) ( (-----( /INK\ \ \ \___/ \ \ jgs _)_____) `------` A: The Government! -<,,>- >Don't Forget Your HAPPY PILLS! ___________ [___________] {=========} .-' '-. / \ /_________________\ | _ _ __ | ||_)|_)|_/|_/ \ / | ,.----. ,.----. || || || | | | // " " \ // " " \ |_________________| jgs \\ \_/ / \\ \_/ / | | `'----' `'----' '-----------------' TAKE TWO - They're Small -<,,>- >Ever Wonder Why? Q: When A woman wears Leather, a man's heart beat quickens, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally - Ever Wonder Why? A: She smells like a brand new truck! .-------. ;"|| \\ .-----------'-''-----`'----. |_ :- () OH YEAH! (__/""\______________/""\___) jgs \__/ \__/ ---- ...Funny ones, Steve, Thanks! ======================================================================= >-->From our friend Betty J :) ...:::::::... ...:::::::... .:::::::::::::::::. .::::::::::::::::::. .::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::'.-=.-~, ':::::::::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::' /{,_;--'},'::::::::::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::: | .=~`|//| :::::::::::::::::::::. .::::::::::::::::::::: | / ; \ | :::' __, '::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::::' || | | | :' .' \/\ ::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::::: |\| | | |\ / \ /_| :::::::::::::. ::::::::::::::::::::::. \ | | /|'/ / | \ /_ | :::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::' ,_ '::: `\ \/|/ / /`.: \ /__/ ::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::: /\/`'. ':. `\ `./.'/\ : /.--' .:::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::: |_\ / \ ::. '. ,/|\/| // '''''::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::: | _\ / | .:: | | \ \/// .""'-. ::::::::::::: :::::::::::::: \__\ / .: .'/| | `)`/__//_/_/_\ :::::::::::: ':::::::::::::: '--.\ : /\/_| |} /.---. \ \ \ / :::::::::::' '::::::::::::'' \\ |\/_/| | //` . `'...-' :::::::::::' :::::::::: .-""'. \\\/ /{| |// .:::::....:::::::::::::: '::::::: /_\_\_\\__\`(` | '/ :::::::::::::::::::::::' ':::::: \ / / / .---.\ | | :::::::::::::::::::::::' '::::::. '-..,'` .:.`\\ | |} ::::::::::::::::::::::' '::::::......:jgs:: \\| | ::::::::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::::::::: \` | ::::::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::::::: | | ::::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::::: {| | ::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::: | | ::::::::::::' ':::::::::: | | ::::::::::' ':::::::: | |} ::::::::' ':::::: | | ::::::' ':::::. |/ ::::::' ':::.....:::::' ':::::::::' ':::::' ':' The love story of Ralph and Edna. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. *The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" ---- ...Excellent! Thanks Betty! Love a good twist to a crime of passion story! ======================================================================= >-->Tips And Advice: >from LifeScript: >Think Smart, Stay Safe The mere mention of physical assault is enough to send shivers up any woman’s spine. Most of us shake off the fear, cross our fingers and hope for the best. But, unfortunately, that’s not enough to chase the bad guys away. When it comes to personal safety, you have two choices: empower yourself or run the risk of being an easy target… click here to read more http://tinyurl.com/2on4bc Stay Safe -<>- >Treatment May Fuel Cancer's Spread, Study Finds WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Treating cancer with surgery, chemotherapy or radiation may sometimes cause tumors to spread and U.S. researchers said on Thursday they may have nailed down one of the causes -- a c ompound called TGF-beta. Tests in mice show that using the chemotherapy drug doxorubicin or radiation both raised levels ... More here: http://tinyurl.com/385zwa Cancer Spreads -<>- >From Bottom Line's Daily Health News , |\ __ | | |--| __ |/ | | |~' /|_ () () | //| \ |\ () | \|_ | | \ jgs \_|_/ () | | | @' () Dance Your Way To Heart Health No matter how full my schedule, I make time for my weekly ballroom dancing class. Not only is it fun and an excellent aerobic exercise, it also makes me feel good by giving me a mental break from the hustle and bustle of life. Recently I discovered that I'm in step with Italian researchers who have confirmed that waltzing is good for the heart. In fact, it is as good as -- and in some respects may even be a little better than -- conventional cycling and treadmill workouts. I asked Wayne Westcott, PhD, fitness research director and an exercise physiologist at the South Shore YMCA in Quincy, Massachusetts, about the health benefits of dancing. He told me that as long as exercise meets three important criteria -- frequency (at least three days a week)... intensity (vigorous enough to raise the heart rate 60% to 80% of maximum, unless restricted by medication)... and duration (a minimum of 15- to 20-minute workouts) -- it doesn't matter what type of activity you choose. If you find something you enjoy, as I do dancing, you're more likely to stick with it. Warm up and cool down for five to 10 minutes with a lower-intensity exercise, such as walking or practicing dance steps, says Dr. Westcott. , { \ { `\ { .-'`"'--. {.' 00 \ /` /\_______") / (( \ \/\/\/\/ / `^^^^/ Specifically, researchers found that... | '/{`\ | | `/{__| | \ \.-'//, \ \ | // | \ \___\/.' | | // \ / /\ ` _/ jgs / ( ``` .' '. /__/V\___\ * Oxygen uptake, or the amount of oxygen reaching the tissues, rose 16% in exercisers and 18% in dancers. * The threshold of muscle fatigue, or the time elapsed before muscles tire, increased 20% in exercisers and 21% in dancers. * While general fitness improvements in exercisers and dancers were comparable, dancers showed greater improvements in quality of life -- especially relating to emotions and mood. These findings are in sync with earlier research showing that waltzing was beneficial in helping people recover functioning and improve quality of life following heart attacks. PUT ON YOUR DANCING SHOES Researchers speculate that the additional benefits of dancing stem from the social nature and partnership of dancing. There's nothing magical about the waltz, of course. Dr. Westcott advises that you choose any type of dance -- or other aerobic exercise -- that you enjoy... but check with your doctor first. Then simply channel your inner Ginger Rogers or Fred Astaire and get moving. Be well, Carole Jackson Bottom Line's Daily Health News ----- ... I gotta admit, I love dancing - that's why I have two pages dedicated to it --- ALL KINDS OF DANCING = FUN STUFF! The Dance page here: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/sdp.html Dance Page and Let's Dance here: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/dance.html Let's Dance -<>- >More on the 809 area code Alert From Our Friend Budha :) IMPORTANT INFO ABOUT AREA CODE We actually received a call last week from the 809 area code. The woman said "Hey, this is Karen. Sorry I missed you--get back to us quickly. I have something important to tell you." Then she repeated a phone number beginning with 809 . We didn't respond. Then this week, we received the following e-mail: Do Not DIAL AREA CODE 809 , 284 AND 876 THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION PROVIDED TO US BY AT&T. DON'T EVER DIAL AREA CODE 809 This one is being distributed all over the US . This is pretty scary, especially given the way they try to get you to call. Be sure you read this and pass it on. They get you to call by telling you that it is information about a family member who has been ill or to tell you someone has been arrested, died, or to let you know you have won a wonderful prize, etc. In each case, you are told to call the 809 number right away. Since there are so many new area codes these days, people unknowingly return these calls. If you call from the U.S. , you will apparently be charged $2425 per-minute. Or, you'll get a long recorded message. The point is, they will try to keep you on the phone as long as possible to increase the charges. Unfortunately, when you get your phone bill, you'll often be charged more than $24,100.00. WHY IT WORKS: The 809 area code is located in the British Virgin Islands (The Bahamas). The charges afterwards can become a real nightmare. That's because you did actually make the call. If you complain, both your local phone company and your long distance carrier will not want to get involved and will most likely tell you that they are simply providing the billing for the foreign company. You'll end up dealing with a foreign company that argues they have done nothing wrong. Please forward this entire message to your friends, family and colleagues to help them become aware of this scam. ---- ...Good tip - thanks Budha! ====================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Pat :) This is funny!!! I hope you have a great day! .-. | | |=| |=| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |=| jgs |=| |_| .=/I\=. ////V\\\\ |#######| ||||||||| ||||||||| ||||||||| Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >>>>>>>Love,Honor and Respect<<<<<<< >>>>>>>RedBlanket<<<<<<< ---- ...A classic funny! Thanks Pat! -<>- >PENNY POWER! I hope you find oodles of pennies!! I found two just last week of all things. Remember this every time you pass that little penny in the parking lot. I always thought that it was for good luck, but I love this version better. __-----__ ..;;;--'~~~`--;;;.. /;-~IN GOD WE TRUST~-.\ // ,;;;;;;;; \\ .// ;;;;; \ \\ || ;;;;( /.| || || ;;;;;;; _\ || || ';; ;;;;= || ||LIBERTY | ''\;;;;;; || \\ ,| '\ '|><| 1995 // \\ | | \ A // `;.,|. | '\.-'/ ~~;;;,._|___.,-;;;~' ''=--' - Daniel C Au - I found a penny today laying on the ground. But it's not just a penny, this little coin I've found. *"_"* __ /`_`\ __ .' '. | / \ | .' '. , / ')\^_^/(' \ , \`--' . (_.> <._) . '--`/ '.__.' '._/ \_/ \_.' '.__.' / , _ , \ \ \_/|\_/ / \ //^\\ / \/` `\/ | | | | | | | | .. ..:::.| | ..::::. .. .::::..::::... .::::::::| |:::::::::::::::. ::::::::::::::::.:::::::::::| |:::::::::::::::::. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| |::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| |::::::::::::::::::' '':::' '::::::::::::::::\_.__./:::::::::::::::'' '':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::' jgs '::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::'' '':::::'' '''::::::'' Found pennies come from heaven, that's what my Grandpa told me. He said Angels toss them down. Oh, how I loved that story. He said when an Angel misses you, they toss a penny down; Sometimes just to cheer you up, to make a smile out of your frown. So, don't pass by that penny when you're feeling blue. It may be a penny from heaven that an Angel's tossed to you. So now pass this on to people you care about and who you feel are Angels to you. I just did. An Angel is now watching over you. Have A Great Day! ---- ...Lovely! Thanks Pat! ======================================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time. Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it." -<>- My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get our marriage license. After recording the vital information; names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties." -<>- I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it. "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said. -<>- A young man was applying for a job in a big company. "I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need." "That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work I do won't be noticed anyway." -<>- The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade. "For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade." After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him. "Your sermon did me so much good," she said. Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias." -<>- After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom Told her. "Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything Like that!" "Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied. Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town. =================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Becky :) >Never Argue with a Woman... One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?) "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge yo u with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to four women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent. --- ...A good one! -<>- >GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, "they will not" succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2007), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down. {} {} ! ! ! II II ! ! ! ! I__I__I_II II_I__I__I ! I_/|__|__|_|| ||_|__|__|\_I ! /|_/| | | || || | | |\_|\ ! .--. I//| | | | || || | | | |\\I .--. /- \ ! /|/ | | | | || || | | | | \|\ ! /= \ \=__ / I//| | | | | || || | | | | |\\I \-__ / } { ! /|/ | | | | | || || | | | | | \|\ ! } { {____} I//| | | | | | || || | | | | | |\\I {____} _!__!__|= |=/|/ | | | | | | || || | | | | | | \|\=| |__!__!_ _I__I__| ||/|__|__|__|__|__|__|_|| ||_|__|__|__|__|__|__|\||- |__I__I_ -|--|--|- ||-|--|--|--|--|--|--|-|| ||-|--|--|--|--|--|--|-||= |--|--|- | | | || | | | | | | | || || | | | | | | | || | | | | | |= || | | | | | | | || || | | | | | | | ||= | | | | | |- || | | | | | | | || || | | | | | | | ||= | | | | | |- || | | | | | | | || || | | | | | | | ||- | | | _|__|__| ||_|__|__|__|__|__|__|_|| ||_|__|__|__|__|__|__|_|| |__|__|_ -|--|--|= ||-|--|--|--|--|--|--|-|| ||-|--|--|--|--|--|--|-||- |--|--|- jgs| |- || | | | | | | | || || | | | | | | | ||= | | | ~~~~~~~~~~~^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^~~~~~~~~~~~ I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message".. God smiled and answered... Request granted. If you believe this message, send it to seven persons and the one who sent it to you. By doing this you have succeeded in praying for eight people today. ---- ... Sweet. Thanks Becky! ================================================================== >-->From AndyChaps: Andy Says... Just Think About This! Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God. --Mary Manin Morrissey ================== Q: How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it takes 5-8 adjustments. ================== Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"? A: Vegetarian! ================== Did you ever try to get the trash men to take an old trash can away? Can't be done ================== "If a man does not make new acquaintance as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair." --Quotes by Samuel Johnson ================== Ideas are funny little things. They won't work unless you do. -<>- >From Andy's Archives on Marriage Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one. Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Why Texas Cowboys Wear Sneakers A kid walked up to a man wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?" The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too." "Why do you wear that leather vest?" "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables." "Well, why do you wear leather chaps?" "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus." "Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?" "That's so nobody will think I'm a truck driver." +++++++++++++++++++++++ Friends Among Lawyers The jovial lawyer, rising to address a gathering after dinner, noticed that in the audience was another gentleman who was well known as one of the foremost after-dinner speakers in the nation. The lawyer, striking an informal pose, with his jacket open and his hands in his pockets, said, "How odd to see my good friend George in the audience, demonstrating that a speaker can listen to someone else's words on occasion." And from the audience, George cried out, "And how odd to see my good friend Henry on the podium, demonstrating that a lawyer can have his hands in his own pockets on occasion." +++++++++++++++++++++++ For those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you: @ 40 mph ...God Will Take Care of You @ 50 mph ...Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah @ 60 mph ...Nearer My God to Thee @ 70 mph ...Nearer Still Nearer @ 80 mph ...This World Is Not My Home @ 90 mph ...Lord, I'm Coming Home & over 100 mph ...Precious Memories ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Growing Old Ain't Easy Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?" +++++++++++++++++++++++++ A Great Western Movie Dave & Mike were watching an old John Wayne Western. Dave says, "I will bet you $5 that John Wayne does not fall off his horse." Mike takes the bet. A minute later the Duke loses his mount. Dave groans and pulls out a fiver. Mike says, "Hey, you don't have to pay me. I saw this movie last week." Dave replies, "I saw it last week too, but I didn't think he would fall off twice in a row!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Catholic Glossary AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. +++++++++++++++++++++++ Rescue At Sea A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in distress. The Coast Guard captain, trying to get the yacht's location, called to the yacht's owner on the radio. The officer asked, "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" The reply came back from the skipper of the yacht, "My position - well I'm Marketing Director of a medium-sized computer software company in the East Midlands." +++++++++++++++++++++++ Inadequade Accomodations They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!" +++++++++++++++++++++ Check These Pre 1982 Facts **2001 will certainly change things. Each year, the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. **Here is this year's list: **The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982. **They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not even know that he had ever been shot. **They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. **Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. **There has only been one Pope. **They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. [This is really scary!!] **They have never feared a nuclear war. [This one, too!!] **They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. **Tianamen Square means nothing to them. [Also scary!] **Their lifetime has always included AIDS. **Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. **Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. **The statement "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. **They have never owned a record player. **They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Ping-Pong. **They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. **As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. **They have always had an answering machine. **Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. **They have always had cable. **There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. **They cannot fathom not having a remote control. **They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony. **Roller-skating has always meant "inline" for them. [Poor kids!] **Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. [Which means they didn't know Johnny, so much the worse for them.] **They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. **Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. [This is real cultural deprivation!] **They have never seen Larry Bird play. **They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. **The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.II, W.W.I, and the Civil War. **They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. [Scary again!] **They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. **They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. **They never heard: "Where's the beef?"... "I'd walk a mile for a Camel"... or "De plane, de plane!" **They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. **The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. **Michael Jackson has always been white. **Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America and Alabama are all places, not groups. [Again, scary!] **McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers. **There has always been MTV. **They don't have a clue as to how to use a typewriter. **Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to all the other old fogies. ======================================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Reverend Al Sharpton announced yesterday he is not running for president. In a related story, nobody asked." -Conan O'Brien "It's tax season. Earlier to day, Britney Spears checked herself into an H&R Block." -Dave Letterman "Friday the 13th was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won't have me to kick around anymore." -Jimmy Kimmel "Spring in New York City means the auto show. The auto show will be at the Javits Center until Monday, or until all the cars are stolen." -Dave Letterman "According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of women can't remember their natural hair color. You know what you call these women? Blondes." -Jay Leno "The White House finally got around to having its annual Easter egg roll. There were a couple of cartoon characters there, including Bugs Bunny and Charlie Brown. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'Finally a Summit meeting I enjoyed.'" -Conan O'Brien "Well, the big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton raised. She raised 26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had left over from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. In fact Hillary Clinton has so much money now, John Kerry is hitting on her." -Jay Leno "California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to appear on the show 'Pimp My Ride.' This is of course great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning." -Conan O'Brien "Charles Simonyi became the latest billionaire to go into space with the Russians. He's Martha Stewart's boyfriend. If I was Martha Stewart's boyfriend I'd be going too." -Craig Ferguson ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. 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