A Tall Tale And More... :) Shangy!
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>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press
This flaming hot new page is from our friend Linda. This is
what most adventurers would dream of happening to them while
out enjoying the wilderness! Be sure to check out this fun
one here...
_,
<\ `.
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`. , _, `.`-. ' )
, ),'-~'( / ` .`-.___,-'
( /; `'\, `
_/' _// `. atc
' " ' " ' `
Cheetah Encounter!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cheetahs.html
---
...Wowsers! That had to have been exciting! Thanks Linda!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
A
_,-' `-._
_-'_________`-_
``---\_ _/---``
(_ - _)
\_._/ 8
__H__ 8
\ | / 8
|\ | /| 8
_|_|||_|_8
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gnv'-'-'
A Chinese student was learning English from a 30 day rapid learner
book. He decided to try it out in the college canteen.
When served coffee he replied: "Thank you sir or madam, as the case
may be."
-<>-
A father took his young son to the opera for the first time. The
conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her aria.
The boy watched everything intently and finally asked: "Why is he
hitting her with his stick?"
"He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle.
"Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?"
-<>-
A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers.
He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance
didn't improve.
Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician
just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help,
they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a
drummer."
A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't
handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."
-<>-
>Laws
The Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Volunteering:
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Motivation:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Conway's Law:
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There is always one more bug.
Law of Drunkenness:
You can't fall off the floor.
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Osborne's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed
civilization.
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
August 19 is Aviation Day and National Potato Day
August 20 is National Radio Day and World Mosquito Day
August 21 is National Spumoni Day and Senior Citizen's Day
August 22 is Be an Angel Day and National Tooth Fairy Day
August 23 is Ride the Wind Day
August 24 is Vesuvius Day
August 25 is Kiss and Make Up Day and National Banana Split Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
__ @@;,
( ; ? : );
_| |_ | | || | | _| |_
| \ \ \/ || \/ ___ / / |
__| |\ __||____||___||______/| |
||| | |_______ _________| | |||
||| |____ | | ____| ||| Design by
\ \______ ) | | / ______/ /
|| | | | | | /___| || Samule J. Neptune
|| | | |_ /| | |\ _| || ||
|| | \__, / | | | \<__/ | ||
>Leftovers
A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when
he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared
from all of the refrigerator leftovers.
"I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've
blessed all this stuff before."
-<>-
>Bird Tags
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag
migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address
of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas
camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want
to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
-<>-
>Dude Ranch
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle,
and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one
without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much
traffic."
-<>-
>Thank You
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of our local community
zoo, I occasionally receive thank you notes from members of school
groups. One of my favorites said: "Dear Molly, I am a third grader.
I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all.
Love, Theresa."
-<>-
>Letter from Camp
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and
worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the
mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue
jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it
hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for
going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him,
but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of
our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We
think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with
10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until
the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive
on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see
up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and
Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take
the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby
like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not
to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid
merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to
see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Billy
PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
/\.-./~\
(o//o)| \-._ .-"-.
.~.'~ | | )`-----' \._
(").'/.| | ( /-.\
(_/-' \_/ | \ | \\
\ / / ____.-\ / ))
/\| /_.-' \\ \ ((
// || \\ \ \|
\\ ||' // \\
(/ || _// \\
" (_/ (_/ (_/MJP
" " "
>A Tall Tale...
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester,
having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend - he
calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won’t believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will
teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!”
That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that
program?”" Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says,
"and I’ll get him in the course." So, his Father sends the dog and
$1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money
again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So, how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won’t believe this -- they've had such good results they have started
to teach the animals how to read!”
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?” "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to
buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a
problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much
able to lie his way out of trouble, this time Arkie asked his
girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So, she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and
talk!”
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like
he usually does”.
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so - is your Daddy still
messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog
before he talks to your Mother!”
"I sure did, Daddy!
"That's my boy!”
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school, he
became Governor of Arkansas and then Bill became President of the
United States, and you already know what a liar his girlfriend
Hillary turned out to be!
---
...Oh For Goodness Sake! HaHa! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
An Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a
concise and witty manner. The term is often applied to philosophical,
moral, and literary principles. Read on...
* I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause
any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
* I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you.
* When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so
polite they only look at the covered parts.
* Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your
X and wondered Y?
* America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the
ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.
* My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.
* Money talks ... all mine ever says is good-bye.
* You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
* If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a
couple of payments.
* I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters
and Twin Peaks. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill
this out?"
* I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older
women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor."
* Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us."
If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
* The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your
house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental
patient.
* I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language
entirely out of tattoos.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
* The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all
single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Now, don't you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?
---
...Teehee! Thanks LouuiseAu!
-<>-
.---.
(_---_)
(_/6 6\_)
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`\ /'
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`.__.-XXX-.__.'\_
/ / XXX \ \ `\_
/ XXX \ `\
/ XXX \ _`\___
jgs / \ (`--"""-')
/ \ (=-=-=-=-)
`--...___ ___...--' (________)
>The Reporter and Hattie, a 101 year old...
Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?
Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer.
In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine.
For low blood pressure I drink red wine.
In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch.
And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.
Reporter: When do you drink water?
Hattie: I ain't never been that sick.
---
...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
_____ _ _____ ____ /_ /,
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| `-'< | (_) | | | | _| ) )__ ,_
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>SMILES
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
----------
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
----------
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
----------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told
me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
From: Markus Welz
()
-==o
\
(V)
-==Q
"'\
(V)
-==Q
>Deter Mosquitoes with Clove Oil
If you feel like a mosquito magnet each time you step
outside, take heart. There's a quick fix that University
of Wisconsin researchers say works as well as many DEET-
containing repellents. Simply mix 2 drops of close
essential oil into 2 tsp. of your favorite unscented
lotion and apply to bite-prone areas like your ankles,
wrists and neck. While the warm, sweet scent is pleasant
to us, it repels mosquitoes. In fact, researchers say
the aroma will keep them away for hours.
Or plant catnip!
Make your yard a mosquito free zone by planting catnip in
your garden. A member of the mint family, catnip contains
an oil called nepetalactone that repels 50 percent more
mosquitoes than DEET, according to research presented at
a meeting of the American Chemical Society.
>A Blister Prevention Trick For Your Feet
Strappy summer sandals and flip-flops will stay as
comfortable as they are cute if you give your feel a spritz
of aerosol antiperspirant each morning. UCLA researchers
say antiperspirant reduces moisture production in the feet,
cutting your risk of sweat-triggered blisters in half.
-<>-
_..._ ___ ___ ___ ___ _..._
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: .::: ::: ::: .:::
: .::: ::: ::: .:::
`._ .::'.`._.::' `._.::'.`._ .::' _ Seal _
~~~ :: :: ~~~
>Solutions that combat disease-causing oral bacteria.
* Floss With Water
Flossing dislodges debris between teeth to prevent 38 percent
of the bleeding gums that allow disease-causing bacteria into
the bloodstream. If you're one of the 60 percent of Americans
who avoid floss, consider a water flosser. Studies show the
devices are 33 percent more effective at eliminating bleeding
than string floss.
* Dry Brush
Using a dry toothbrush cuts plaque buildup by 63 percent and
reduces gum bleeding by 55 percent, according to one study.
Just use a dry brush for one minute then brush with toothpaste
for another two minutes.
* Pick a Better Paste
Many brands of toothpaste contain sodium lauryl sulfate, a
surface cleaner that inhibits saliva production. That's a
problem since lack of saliva can make the mouth a breeding
ground for bacteria that increase disease risk. Opt for a
paste made with xylitol, a sweetener that enhances saliva
production and has been shown to decrease the risk of tooth
decay by 60 percent.
* Try an Alternative to Mouthwash
Commercial mouthwashes contain alcohol, which allows
bad-acting bacteria to thrive. A better bet is swishing
with a DIY rinse made from 3 Tbs of food grade aloe vera
juice, 3 Tbs of water and a drop of peppermint oil. One
study found that an aloe rinse reduces plaque and boosts
gum health as effectively as drugstore mouthwash, but
without the harsh ingredients.
-<>-
>'Go Green' Hints:
Conserving water by only washing full loads and saving
energy by using warm or cold water instead of hot are
not the only ways you can be environmentally conscious
in the laundry room.
Detergents. Components such as colorants really aren't
necessary - they are often just there to make them
pleasing to the eye as you pour them out. Fragrances are
of particular concern as companies often aren't required
to detail what these are comprised of. Just about every
supermarket these days offers "earth friendly" detergents
and usually you'll find they are quite a bit cheaper too
due to the no-frills, low active chemical approach - yet
they can be just as effective.
If you need a bit of extra punch to your wash in terms
of bleaching, consider adding a 1/2 cup of lemon juice
to the rinse cycle. By the way, a teaspoon of lemon
juice thrown into your wash can also help your clothes
to smell fresher.
-<>-
When it comes time to dry off, towels made from materials
like organic cotton and bamboo are the way to go.
Conventional cotton is one of the most chemically-intensive,
pesticide-laden crops on the planet--to the tune of 2
billion pounds of synthetic fertilizers and 84 million
pounds of pesticides each year, causing a whole laundry
list of environmental health problems for those who apply
the pesticides and harvest the crop, not to mention the
damage done to soil, irrigation, and groundwater systems.
Bamboo, in addition to being a fast-growing sustainable
alternative to cotton, is also reputed to have anti-
bacterial qualities when spun into linens.
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
BREAKING: Inmate Reveals CRUCIAL Information On Epstein's Death
http://trk.cp20.com/click/g6v6-19bwds-kj0z7r-b61d11g5/
Kamala Harris COMPLETELY Humiliated, Cries For Help
http://trk.cp20.com/click/g6v6-19bwds-kj0z7x-b61d11g1/
CEO Says Bill Barr about to Break "Biggest Scandal in American History"
http://trk.cp20.com/click/g6v6-19bwds-kj0z81-b61d11g1/
Biden Brings Up 1994 Weapon Ban, Only One Problem
http://trk.cp20.com/click/g6v6-198l06-kij4ld-b61d11g5/
Steve Scalise Drops BOMB On Liberals, Leaves Them SPEECHLESS
http://trk.cp20.com/click/g6v6-198l06-kij4ln-b61d11g5/
Westwing News:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Chicken, Fish Products, Pet Food
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert: Scientists in Shock after Finding Micro
Plastics Here
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
If you took physics in high school you probably remember
that the acceleration due to gravity is 32 feet (or 9.8
meters) per second (squared). That might not sound like
a lot, but for a human body falling though the air that
means your terminal velocity will be around 120 or 130
miles-per-hour. That IS a lot. That's the reason sky
divers wear parachutes, because nobody could survive
a fall traveling at 120 or so miles-per-hour. That is
unless you're the woman in today's story.
The woman, whose name was not released, was skydiving in
Quebec when her main and backup parachutes failed to
open. She plummeted into a wooded area and miraculously
survived! She is in the hospital with several fractures,
including broken vertebrae, but police said her life
isn't in danger.
Denis Demers, who saw the incident play out, told local
news that the solo skydiver was falling faster than
anybody else. "It's a miracle," Demers said. "I don't
know how a person can survive a fall from an airplane
like that."
Police said the woman had experience skydiving. An
investigation is underway to determine whether it is a
case of criminal negligence.
Skydiving injuries are rare. In the US, the United
States Parachute Association says, there was approximately
1 injury out of every 1,536 skydives in 2018.
-<>-
Police in Colorado said a bear that broke into a home left
in the style of the Kool-Aid Man by bursting out through a
wall when officers arrived.
The Estes Park Police Department said officers responded to
a report of a bear inside a residence. Police said the bear
had apparently been drawn into the home by the "scent of
refuse."
"Upon officer's arrival, said bear forcibly breached a hole
in the wall like the 'Kool-Aid Man' and made its escape,"
police wrote.
The beverage mascot is famous for crashing through walls
while uttering the catchphrase, "Oh yeah!"
Police reminded residents and visitors to keep all doors
and windows firmly closed and locked on their homes and
vehicles.
*--- Missing Dentures Found Lodged in Throat ---*
Doctors at a British hospital said a man whose dentures
were missing after a surgical procedure was scanned with
an X-ray eight days later and they were found lodged in
his throat. Dr. Harriet Cunniffe of James Paget Hospital
in Norfolk, England, wrote in the British Medical Journal
that the 72-year-old patient returned to the hospital six
days after surgery to remove a lump in his abdominal wall
complaining of difficulties breathing and swallowing. An
X-ray revealed the man's false teeth, which had been
missing since his surgery, were lodged in his throat,
causing internal blistering and swelling. The man underwent
surgery to remove the false teeth and was released from the
hospital again six days later. The doctors wrote that the
case highlights the risks of leaving dentures in during the
administering of anesthesia. That's nationalized medicine
for you.
*--- Pranksters Leave Old TVs on Virginia Porches ---*
Residents of a Virginia neighborhood were left scratching
their heads when unknown pranksters wearing what appeared
to be TVs on their heads left vintage TVs on local porches.
Neighbors in the Glen Allen neighborhood said their door-
bell cameras recorded what appeared to be a person wearing
a television on their head leaving vintage TVs on their
porches. Police said they believe the mysterious figure was
several different people, as more than 50 TVs were left on
various porches. Police urged residents who spot suspicious
activity to contact investigators, but it was unclear
whether any crime had been committed. Some residents said
a similar prank occurred about a year ago, when about 20
TVs were left on various porches. The perpetrators were not
caught on camera during that incident.
*--- As If Old TV Sets Weren't Bad Enough ---*
Authorities in Missouri are investigating after residents
reported finding creepy dolls posed in odd locations around
a county. Residents of Jefferson County said the dolls have
been discovered posed in strange locations that sometimes
lead them to initially be confused for children. "When we
found this one, it was laying in front of our building. We
picked it up and it was the doll, they've been hanging on
top of stop signs, laying in front of the license office,"
Angela Ravellette told local news. Police said they have
received calls about the dolls, some of which were found
without heads. Festus Police Chief Tim Lewis said the dolls
appear to be a prank, but authorities are concerned they
could lead to unintentional injury.
*--- Man Sells Old Shoes for $50,000 ---*
This is the kind of story that makes you wonder what you
have lying around your attic. A California man got $50,000
for his "funky, old shoes" that happened to be a pair of
extremely rare prototype Nike running shoes from 1972. Dave
Russell of Sacramento said the shoes, now known as the Nike
Waffle Racing Moon Shoes, were given to him at age 25 when
he participated in the 1972 Olympic trials in Eugene, Ore.
Only 12 of the prototype shoes designed by Nike co-founder
Bill Bowerman were ever made, and 10 were given to athletes
trying out for the Olympic team. Russell said the shoes
spent years in a box in his garage, next to the Christmas
lights. He said he only decided to sell them a few months
ago, and received an offer from The Graduate Eugene Hotel,
which is building a Nike museum in Eugene. He said he knew
the shoes were worth some money, but he was shocked to
receive such a large sum for his "funky, old shoes."
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
_____
/ \
Hmmm...where did I see (____/\ )
that toilet roll? ...... |___ U?(____
_\L. | \ ___
/ /"""\ /.-' | |\ |
( / _/u | \___|_)_|
\| \\ / / \_(___ __)
| \\ / / | | |
| ) _/ / ) | |
_\__/.-' /___( | |
_/ __________/ \ | |
// / ( ) | |
( \__|___\ \______ /__|____|
\ (___\ |______)_/
\ |\ \ \ /
\ | \__ ) )___/
\ \ )/ /__(
___ | /_//___| \_________
_/ ( / OUuuu \
`----'(____________)
>Random thoughts that I just had... I surprise myself sometimes:
- If you carpeted the inside of your van, would you get a lot of
static for it?
- If you hoard mortar on the border does that make you a
Mortar Border Hoarder?
- Here's a great name for a sporting goods store:
"Balls, Sticks, and Jocks!"
- Common sense is not too common. Neither is common courtesy.
Or common knowledge.
- When a monkey or turkey dies do they then become skeleton keys?
- I don't know karate, but I know ka-razy!
-<>-
>The Worst Book Ever!
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,
"I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked, "What was wrong
with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot
whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person
who took our phone book."
-<>-
,
__ _.-"` `'-.
/||\'._ __{}_(
|||| |'--.__\
| L.( ^_\^
\ .-' | _ |
| | )\___/
| \-'`:._]
jgs \__/; '-.
>Shut Up, Trouble and Manners
There once were these three guys: Shut Up, Trouble and Manners.
Trouble got lost so Shut Up and Manners went to the police station.
Manners stayed in the car while Shut Up went in. He told the police
officer what happened and he asked, "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."
"Where are your Manners?"
"Waiting in the car."
"Are you looking for Trouble?"
"Yes! How did you know?"
-<>-
>Noticed Your Eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out
of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't
help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help
but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
-<>-
>A Man and His Dog
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of
a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog
over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
-<>-
>Q and A Quickies:
Q: How does a physicist exercise?
A: By pumping ion!
Q: Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
A: Because education pays off in the long run!
,.
(_|,.
,' /, )_______ _
__j o``-' `.'-)'
(") \'
`-j |
`-._( /
hjw |_\ |--^. /
/_]'|_| /_)_/
/_]' /_]'
Q: Why did the three little pigs leave home?
A: Their father was an awful boar.
Q: What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
A: Ferry tales!
Q: Where does a rabbit learn how to fly?
A: In the hare force.
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry I've got you covered!
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
__
/\/'-,
,--''''' /"
____,'. ) \___
'"""""------'"""`-----'
pb
The other night the wife was flipping through channels when
suddenly she said, "Oooo! I wanted to see this, and it just
started, too."
"What is it?" I asked.
"You'll love it. It's a dog movie. It's all about this dog
that gets reincarnated."
It turns out the movie was called 'The Purpose of a Dog's
Life' or something similar, and yeah, I've been known to
sit through fun-loving, heart-warming movies about animals
and pets, so I gave it a whirl.
The movie is about a little boy growing up in a family
dominated by a clinically depressed, emotionally abusive,
alcoholic father. And it goes downhill from there.
In short order the kid adopts a dog and the movie quick
jumps through a few scenes of what it's like growing up
with a beloved canine companion, until the kid, now a
teenager, is abandoned by his father, becomes homeless
with his mother after their house burns down, is forced
to abandon a college scholarship, and breaks up with his
high school sweetheart.
Then the dog dies.
That's a lot for the first 15 minutes of a movie. But like
the wife said, the dog is reincarnated as a completely
different dog, gets adopted by someone else, and after a
few scenes dies again. This happens over and over again.
It's 100 solid minutes of dogs dying.
It's not so much a movie for dog lovers as it is for
sadists. I haven't seen a movie this depressing since
'Schindler's List'. And you don't get any of that in the
previews. I can just imagine some mother watching the
trailer for the movie when it came out a couple years ago
and deciding to take her 8 or 9-year-old son to see it.
There are probably a million kids out there traumatized
for life.
I have to admit I couldn't bear to finish it. I abandoned
it after the third (or was it the fourth?) dog death and
went to bed. The next day the wife asked me if I wanted
to know how the movie ended.
"No," I said. "No I don't."
-<>-
/
/
/____________________
|________ __________
/_____ /|| |
|".___."| || |
|_______|/ | |
|| .___."|| /
||_______|| /
|_________|/
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his
change, and then goes back and says to the cashier,
"Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the
cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave.
There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the
policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd
like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."
-<>-
____
_/____]__
|_v'_]"__"] (PS)
`UJ-uJ--uJ
The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there is something that
my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He is
sooooo in to his cars and said that 'I have a beautiful
chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.'"
Her dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your
hood and tries to check your oil, I will tighten his lug
nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will
start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe."
-<>-
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day
he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy
says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get
a spanking."
-<>-
A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text
message he'd just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend
who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.
"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."
-<>-
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather
forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey,
how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an
uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck
for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin
I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand,
free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited
almost one hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week...nothing!"
-<>-
______________________________
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
_____ ______________
| | || |
| | || |
| |______||______|
| | || |
()| | || |
| |______||______|
| /______________/
| __((())__
_____|___________|_))- -((_|__
| ((\-/)) |
| /\~V~/\ |
|//(_ _)\\|
/// \ / \\\
%%%% /_\)_/ \_(/_\
(\%%%oo | |_/_____\_| |
\%%%o/ | | \ \\ \ | |
\/~~\ | | / // / | |
/ /____\|_|_/_//_/__|_|
/ |||| \_)\_)
/ (_)(_)
>Signs of the times
SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE:
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to
the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
=========================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
,---,_ ,
_> `'-. .--'/
.--'` ._ `/ <_
>,-' ._'.. ..__ . ' '-.
.-' .'` `'. '.
> / >`-. .-'< \ , '._\
/ ; '-._> <_.-' ; '._>
`> ,/ /___\ /___\ \_ /
`.-|(| \o_/ \o_/ |)|`
jgs \; \ ;/
\ .-, )-. /
/` .'-'. `\
;_.-`.___.'-.;
>Think you know everything...?
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says
there were three gifts.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses
every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
solid.
The words 'race car,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they
are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (these others
are not 'really' words - arthropodous, gastropodous, and myriapodous)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels
in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.
now you know everything!
-<>-
__,...__
_,-'::::::::`-.
,'::,----._::::::`.
,'::,' /\,-. \:::::::`.
/::::| ; | |:::::::::`.
|:::::`._ \ |:::::::::::\
__\,:--''--`_--':::::::::::::\
`'--::__:::::::`-:_:::::::::::::\
/--.`'--:_:::::`-::::::::::::\
/,-_.' _`-:_::::`:::::::::::\
/ /o\| ,-_`-.`--:::`::::::::::)
|| \_/| / /o\\ `:,'''-:'
(#__`-_/ | \_/| /##| ,-.\
,'' `-. `.__/ ,'###| / ||
/ \ , (##### / ||
| |___,-##\ /##/ \__,'/
\ /########) |#,'|__..-'
`-..__..-'######) /
\`.###'`""' /
\\\__// ,'
\`--' _,-'
jrei `-..___..--''
>All About Computers
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it
to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want to do. --Murphy's Laws of Computing
-<>-
_
_,-"" ""-._
,-' `-.
,' `.
,' `.
,' `.
/ \
/ Y O U D O N ' T K N O W \
/ ___ \
: | /| / \ | / :
: | / | | | / :
: | /__| | |/\ :
: | / | | | \ :
: .__/ / | \___/ | \ :
| |
| |
| ..::::::.. ..::::::.. |
,-. | .::"'____ """ """ ____`"::. | ,-.
|\ \| .' `8P`-. .'`8P `. |/ /|
|/\ | `-____-' : : `-___-' | /\|
|| \| : : |/ ||
||_|| : : ||_||
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888[dd]888
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
>Men are from Sears, Women Are From Saks...
Just so everyone has a better understanding, I believe that, in
general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people
who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a
freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of
their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn
mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the
annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans
off of heads.
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there
would be no war. I sincerely believe this -- virtually no
military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict,
everyone involved would feel just awful and there would soon be
a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting
cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon
(which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So, I
sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the
exception of one key area, and that area is clothing sizes. In
this particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to
purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will
try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll
try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he
buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about
the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size
printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing
behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and
inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-
inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this
information, which is basically the same thing as having a
sign that says: "Howdy! My rear is the size of a Federal
Express truck!"
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops
for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that
fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case,
but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the
size she wore when she was 19-years-old. This will be some
arbitrary number such as "8" or "10." Don't ask me "8" or "10"
of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All
I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to
be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she
will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8! So
she will keep on trying on size 8 items, and unless they start
fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take
this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently
in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store,
trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of
night-vision binoculars.
"Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him, "You know how
sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..."
"Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off.
This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers
"yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and
if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING
BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained
disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives
unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives
will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know
whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store
called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were
originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the
words "SIZE 2."
I'll bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich,
and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity
to benefit humanity.
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Shopping With Men!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menshopping.html
Amazing Gibraltar Airport!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/airroad.html
Cute Squirrels!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/squirrels.html
Boing 727 Suite!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/727suite.html
Dominic And Jobe-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jobe.html
Witty Comebacks!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/comebacks.html
Stainless VS Gold!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stainlesscar.html
IRONIC Isn't It 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony2.html
Humor With Cars!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/carhumor.html
Liberty Air Show!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/liberty.html
Morons at Work 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mwork3.html
Why Me? Moments!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whyme.html
Life's Little Oops 14!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops14.html
USA Of Crazy Laws!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/uscrazylaws.html
Book Sculpture Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bookart.htm
Gem Wire Tree Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wiretree.html
Awesome Tree Houses!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/treehouses.html
Breathtaking Photos!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/breathtaking.html
God's Most Beautiful!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mostbeautiful.html
86 Year Old Grandma Gymnast!-
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/grandmagymnast.html
SUMMER INDEX!
https://tinyurl.com/y4xyz2w8
-<>-
Senior Olympic Synchronized Swimming
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eR11SE0RA0
Helmet Camera Captures the Most Incredible Firefighter Rescue
http://tinyurl.com/7d5uafa
This Moment Robin Williams Shared With Koko Is Beautiful.
His Gift of Laughter Will Be Missed.
http://tinyurl.com/nsz739z
19 Great Trash to Treasure Crafts
http://tinyurl.com/qh8wwk3
WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER
http://safeshare.tv/w/kLlmcNCGBk
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
Steve Martin's Great Flydini Amazing Magic Tricks on Johnny Carson's
Tonight Show 1992
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=s9xKU8eYCFk
The Sea's Strangest Creatures!!!
Under the waters around Lembeh, Indonesia, there is a square mile of
ocean that is filled with very strange, very predatory life forms. From
giant worms to frog fish, watch in horrified fascination as these
remarkable creatures hunt their meals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hed1JYcGJd4
Technology has changed dramatically over the last several decades so
younger people might not recognize some of the things in this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoDXTAajEzY
---
...Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"The American Academy of Pediatrics has suggested that
people under the age of 18 should be banned from tanning
salons. Parents that take their kids to tanning salons
should be banned from parenting." -Jimmy Fallon
"In Virginia someone broke into a man's apartment, cleaned
it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police
are describing the suspect as his mother." -Conan O'Brien
"According to a new report, by 2050, the world's oceans
will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next
time you get dumped, remember: There's plenty of trash
in the sea." -Seth Meyers
"According to a new study, people who live near trees are
richer, smarter, and healthier - and people who live in
trees make more cookies." -Seth Meyers
"Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers
to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known
as shoplifting." -Conan O'Brien
"Brace yourself, because Kraft has announced that they've
gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they
were doing their products in the buff. But they mean they
have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and
dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get
it. I was not aware, first of all, that a packet of orange
dust was a technically a recipe." -Stephen Colbert
"A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar.
Shortly afterwards it became host to the world's slowest
bar fight ever." -Conan O'Brien
"Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito,
which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice
wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional
value, just eat the dollar." -Seth Meyers
"Vin Diesel is with us tonight. Vin is not his real name.
His real name is Vehicle Identification Number." -Jimmy Kimmel
Stand outside & look up at the night sky, and what you're seeing
is the makings of a junkyard. You laugh. The men thinks I'm
joking. About satellites, I never joke. There are nearly ten
thousand manmade objects up there orbiting this little planet of
ours. More than three thousand of those objects are satellites,
operative and inoperative, plus garbage you wouldn't believe. Up
there, we get nosecone shrouds, lens covers, hatch covers,
rocket bodies, payloads that have exploded, junk the astronauts
or cosmonauts threw out or forgot. All sorts of stuff.
- From the book Twelve Mile Limit
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $20 will get your a message (of up to 40
words) out to all self-subscribed readers and $5 more will give you
the same message also put up for all web site readers.
Email me to secure dates.
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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A Recipe
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