Ali G's Driving Tips & More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================== >-->Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) >FOUR - 4 - HOT ONES!!! These first two are Smokin' Red Hot! This comes from our friend Sandi. It took me a while to do, but I'm sure you'll agree, it was worth the wait! I wanted to make sure I had the larger pictures from off the net so I did a bunch of Google searches first. I didn't want to loose much detail when enlarging them to a size that you could actually see more of what's going on. Check it out here: ()___ ()//__/)_________________() ||(___)//#/_/#/_/#/_/#()/|| ||----|#| |#|_|#|_|#|_|| || ||____|_|#|_|#|_|#|_|#||/|| jgs || |#|_|#|_|#|_|#|_|| Best Bed Positions! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bed.html --- ...Awesome! Thank You Sandi! -<>- This next one comes from our friend Viv. One of those that when I saw it, I just immediately 'saw' in my mind what I wanted to do with it. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did! . . ) . . . * . . . . . . .' . '. * . . ' .' . . __ . .' ______ __ | o' | | | | | | | | | | | | ___| |_ __|_______________________|__..--~~~~ jro ~--. /|\ / \ / | \ / \ \|/ / | \ We've All Been There! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catbox.html --- ...Sweet! Thank You Viv! I've actually had my cat do this! It is so funny to watch, that you just have to shake your head at how silly she is! -<>- This one will blow your mind! It is crazy! It comes to us from two of our list friends Viv and Jo Ann so I just had to get it done and let you enjoy it too! \ ___ |.: |. :. | / _) | :|___ |:| | (~o (\.|(___) /) _\/_/_ \\(_O O_)// Ummmm! / \ .\(_\O/_)/: / / \ \ :|\/\_/\/ | \ | | / | .(_ _): | \|____|/ .| / \ |: |_ _| | /_____\.| !!!Sorry - Gott Go!!! | | | : .| | | . | | | . | | | || |_|__| | :|_|_| .: jro [__[__) .: <_|_> .| Modern Toilet http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moderntoilet.html -<>- This last one left me flabbergasted too! It came from our friend Jo Ann. Talk about crazy! This artist is very unusual indeed! It just goes to prove what one man calls worthless another calls his treasure! \.|.,_, . i\-\\/,/,i. .-\-|1/-|//|/-/_. .-\-_=d$$s$$b=-_-_. -_-\=dp`"v"`qb=/-_- _\-=d$ $b=_-_ -_-=Eb. o,o .dB=\-" I'm traveling Art -/-=E$bsdIbss$$=--_ '-//"b | | | d"\\- -_-=P`|"|"|`q='-. `/-=^b|_|_|d^=\. ^i/^SsssS^i\^ "^//|/\\|^` / :"| \ .- \ / `-._ O()() (___...() wkm House Dust Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dusthouse.html *~* All Great Ones! Thank You Much Viv, Sandi & Jo Ann! {{{HUGS}}} =================================================================== >-->From The FunnyBone: Acts 2:38 This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!!!" _______ The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes / /_ to the point that she is able to get to the / -/- / / phone and call 911 for the cops. When the / / / / cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in /_______/ / place. They are very much surprised that a jgs ((______| / woman alone with no weapon could do this. `"""""""` One of them asked the lady, "How did you do this?" The woman replied, "I quoted scripture." The cop turned the burglar, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?" The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's." ======================================================================= +----------------- Most Bizarre Museums ------------------+ Leeds Castle Dog Collar Museum British Lawnmower Museum International Friendship Exhibition Hall The Museum of Bad Art Marikina City Shoe Museum The Mütter Museum Burlesque Hall of Fame Sulabh Museum of Toilets Vibrator Museum and Masturbation Hall of Fame Icelandic Phallological Museum ==================================================================== >-->From The Jokester: The Wong Family Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong. -<>- The Loan An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this Transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Italian replies: "Where else in New York can I park a car for under $20.00?" clap clap Clap clap clap clap clap clap Clap clap clap clap clap , clap clap clap Clap clap clap . \ ` Clap \ ( (\ ) / ` ` / _\ , \(") ___ .- )=| (` ') ' _ /'| |-n___n ' (/\| a:f____________|_L___J__ < L _______________________ -<>- [An Et-Ahem!] She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be My day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there in the kitchen. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'Oh, our egg timer is broken'. -<>- [Et-Ahem!] There Is No Arguing With This Cowboy Logic A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f****n' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em." -<>- >Things about Life I Learned From a Jigsaw Puzzle 1. Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally. 2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return. 3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration. 4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece. 5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4). 6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. 7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting. 8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun. 9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order. 10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising. 11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones). 12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed. ================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Viv :) If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq . You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. (According to Snopes.com, this is true) --- ...Yes, I did this last year! Good site! Thanks Viv! -<>- One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my Mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep......You Guessed it............SHE'S BLONDE! -<>- >Training Your Human Training your human is a thankless task. "Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask. The fate of the world is the issue at hand, as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land. Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint. We spray in the corners to drive home the point. Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth, But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth. The cat is the ultimate species, you see, We're poised to usurp man's authority. These silly old humans who cannot play nice! We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice. Just what does training your human entail? A host of fun things you must do without fail: The sofas and rugs need a little makeover. The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover. Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath. And make their best clothing a target of wrath. Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug. Then tatter the pile of the new Berber rug. And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose, paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes. Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack, knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac. Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown, as she's headed out for a night on the town. If they leave you home all alone for the night, (Any human doing this can't be all that bright), They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right, To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light. Knock over tables and chew up the fern. Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return... When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern. (All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn.) A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse, but they will try harder to scold you, of course! So, hide in the closet until they forget, and then launch out just like an F-14 jet. Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand, then when they've had all the pain they can stand, dart from the room while they call 9-1-1, and celebrate victory: The felines have won! To humans, however, the battle's begun, as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun. Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot, My friend, human dominance is really a hoot. Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow. (The verses above have already told how.) So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow, And then train your human, beginning right now. ...Author Unknown -<>- >From Butterball Turkey's Hotline A woman called the turkey hotline to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside." Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed! Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "Turkey Central" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole. Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed. Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence --- ...TeeHee! Thanks Viv!! ================================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: An acquaintance of mine was hired as a research assistant by the physics department of a West Coast university to investigate the thermodynamic properties of wood. Two weeks after starting work he was approached by an encyclopedia salesman who explained that purchase of the encyclopedia entitled the buyer to have any three special questions answered completely. To save himself a great deal of work, the researcher bought the encyclopedia, stipulating for his first free question a full dissertation on the thermodynamic properties of wood. Three weeks later the head of the physics department called the research assistant into his office and said, "We have a request from an encyclopedia company. One of their customers has asked for a report on the thermodynamic properties of wood. Please prepare the report for them." -<>- Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our amily would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead." One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight." -<>- After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies, and services that needed to know my new address and phoned each one to ask for the change to be made. Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of- address form." "How do I get one of those?" I asked. "We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?" -<>- Contemporary Latin Phrases: "Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy is here.) "Auda similarum ad seattles." (They all sound just like Pearl Jam.) "Sharpei diem." (Seize the wrinkled dog.) "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." (Remove foil before microwaving.) "Il guyus nissanem iste ickye." (That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.) "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum." (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.) "Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.) "Veni, vidi, Pesci." (I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.) "Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!) "Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.) "No Quid Pro Quo." (I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.) "Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus." (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.) "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.) "Et tu, pluribus unum?" (The government just stabbed me in the back!) ============================================================ >-->In The Worldly News :) >[politics] Breaking from Newsmax.com Stop Obama in Georgia! Dear fellow American: With Democrats now controlling 57 seats in the Senate, they are perilously close to getting the 60 votes in the Senate they need to end filibuster and pass Obama’s radical legislation. This why the special Georgia Senate run-off election slated for December 2 is now a national contest. If the Democrats defeat Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss, they will be very close to getting the 60 votes they need in the Senate to pass Obama’s radical legislation. Without the 60 votes, Obama can’t pass legislation to increase income taxes, increase capital gains taxes, increase FICA taxes or any other taxes. Without the 60 votes, Obama won’t be able to pass a new Fairness Doctrine limiting the power of talk radio. Without the 60 votes, Obama won’t be able to pass new social spending programs estimated as costing as much as $1 trillion. Without the 60 votes, Obama won’t be able to nationalize the healthcare system. Without the 60 votes, Obama won’t be able to give 12 million illegal aliens citizenship and other government benefits. Obama and the Congressional Democrats must be denied the 60 votes. The Democrats believe they may be able to persuade one or more liberal Republican senators like Arlen Specter to join them to pass Obama’s legislation. They know they are very close to getting the magic number. See our new TV ad exposing Obama and Martin http://tinyurl.com/66p54t ---------- Obama Warned of 'Huge' Terror Threat British security officials say intelligence experts are seriously concerned that al-Qaida will try to pull off a "spectacular" terrorist attack during the transition period from a Bush administration to an Obama administration. http://tinyurl.com/64bc9y --- ..."God Moves When We Move" - Why Sit We Here Until We Die? We bind God's hands when we don't ACT For Him! Check these teachings out for more understanding of this: DOING ALL THE WORD [All of the Time] http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/doingallword.html Taking ACTION On The Word of God http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/takingaction.html God Moves When You Move http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/godmoves.html NEVER Give Up! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/nevergiveup.html -<>- >Speaking of Which... Which reminds me. That is why we pray for our leaders and for our country so God's Will can be done. Because God will never force His Will upon us. Therefore, without our prayers asking Him to step in, He cannot do anything for us. Please Pray with me, Dear God Almighty please bless and keep Obama and his family safe from all harm. I lift him and all US leaders to you now in the name of Christ Jesus. Please give them wisdom and understanding to do your Will for America and all it's people. Foil all of their thoughts and plots that are against your Will and protect America from all terrorism and evil. Thank You dear sweet Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen. -Please Note- My daughter asked me this and for those that may be wondering the same thing, the reason I use Christ Jesus vs Jesus Christ: When you put Christ in front of Jesus, you are referring in particular to our VICTORIOUS Lord and Savior. The one who God Raised From the Dead, who led captivity captive, who defeated the devil - You know - God's right hand man. When you say Jesus Christ, you are referring to the man who gave his life for mankind, the humble servant, the Son of God who was our sacrificial lamb. Now when you see Christ Jesus or Jesus Christ in the bible, you'll know why. God is very particular and means what he says and says what he means and always has a purpose for why he does or says what he does or says :) -<>- >From OneNewsNow: Why same-sex 'marriage' matters Despite the fact that Americans just elected one of the most liberal presidents in history, they also voted to uphold traditional marriage in every state where it was on the ballot. http://www.onenewsnow.com/Perspectives/Default.aspx?id=323704 -<>- >From Bizarre News: -- 172 grandchildren gather for funeral ----------- SALFORD, England - The funeral of Maggie Ward in Salford, England, drew a sizeable crowd -- including her 172 grand- children -- the family said. It was the first time all 172 -- ranging in age from 11 to 51 -- had gatheered together in one place. Family members said Ward's funeral Wednesday was also attended by the 12 surviving children of Ward's original brood of 15, as well as her 36 great grand- children and 18 great-great grandchildren, The Daily Mail reported. "She would never forget a birthday and got everyone a present at Christmas," Ward's daughter, Anne Hudson, said of her mother, who died at 87. "She bought presents all year round -- she would go to markets to get gifts so she could afford something for everyone. "She was tough but she had to be to keep us all in line. She was very proud of her family." .------. .------. .' //`. .' `. / // \ / \ | // : | ......::::: : // | :::::'''''' | My Ball's Bigger \ // / \ / `._// _.' `._ _.' AsH then You're Ball! `"----"' `"----"' -- Man's ball of twine weighs 19,875 pounds --------- SUPERIOR, Wis. - Jim Kotera of Highland, Wis., says his 19,875-pound ball of twine is likely a world record for such an unusual collection of string. Kotera said by collecting bits of twine from area neighbors, he has been able to amass an elliptical twine ball that is approaching 20,000 pounds and is a worldwide attraction, the Superior (Wis.) Telegram reported. "I had heard that there were people out there claiming to have the world's largest ball of twine and I decided that I would beat them," Kotera said. Kotera told the newspaper he is fastidious about recording the ball's ever-growing weight. He weighs each addition and keeps a running total of the ball's growth. Kotera says he will never to surrender the ball, which he began in April 1979 and hopes to continue to add to for years in the future. "I plan on doing this until I die and it's pretty neat -- pretty darned neat -- that the people all the way in New York are paying attention," he told the Telegram. "I'm having a ball!" -- Seattle may tell park nudists to cover up --------- SEATTLE - Seattle residents who enjoy bicycling through the city's parks in their birthday suits may soon be asked to don some clothing, an official says. Seattle Parks and Recreation spokeswoman Dewey Potter said after the annual Seattle Naked Bike Ride, six people complained regarding the open nudity of event participants, leading city officials to consider a ban on all nudity with the city's park system, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer said Wednesday. A total of 23 people were also arrested for indecent exposure during the Seattle event, which previously has toured city parks such as Gas Works and Alki, Potter said. Potter and a number of other park officials are supporting a new rule that would specifically ban all public nudity in the park. Public nudity is currently not illegal under Washington law. "Parks are for the use of the general public, including families," Potter said, "and this rule would provide users with some expectation that they will not come across nude people, which many find objection- able." The newspaper said offenders of the proposed regulation would face a temporary ban from area parks. ============================================================ >-->From JokeCentral: Exercise Routine Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. *Always Consult Your Doctor Before Starting Any Exercise Program* Now Scroll Down... >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> Now Scroll Up... That's enough for the first day! -<>- ( ,&&&. ) .,.&& ( ( \=__/ ) ,'-'. ( ( ,, _.__|/ /| ) /\ -((------((_|___/ | ( // | (`' (( `'--| _ -.;_/ \\--._ \\ \-._/. (_;-// | \ \-'.\ <_,\_\`--'| ( `.__ _ ___,') <_,-'__,' jrei `'(_ )_)(_)_)' Camping Guidelines A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato, baked in the coals for one hour, makes an excellent side dish. A potato, baked in the coals for three hours, makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. The guitar of the noisy teenager, at the next campsite, makes excellent kindling. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road, behind a large motor home. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites, on either, side vacant. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. ===== For Southern Missouri Emergency Services, Inc. Missouri NFP Group J. Duane Robinson, VP, CESO Chief Executive Safety Officer -<>- __ _ / l \~-_ ,----~~~~--+-----`--~----____ @ /~_~\ | ~ | /~_~\~~~-, \_ ( (_) ) \_______| ( (_) )_-~ ~~\___/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\___/~ John Punshon >Ali G's Driving Tips I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me decided to get a real driving lisence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruse Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonalds). -Wicked. Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe. You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (me mate Dave will sell ya one for 20 squids - just tell im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best (be carefull that the clutch pedel don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid de instructer. Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive. Its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats 1 in 2 people in the UK), you will not be able to drive. Batty men shouldn't drive either. Tip 3 - Drinking and Driving. You should never drink drive (not even if its rainin'). You could 'it a bump an' spill ya drink - Aye. No, me is messin', don't do it. Tip 4 - Listen for your Instructor. If you can hear your instructer shouting at you, then your music aint loud enough you is probably listening to the wrong music, may I suggest Drum and Bass. Tip 5 - Use the proper equipment. When your instructer asks you to start the car, remember that you is supposed to use the proper key, not a screwdriver. Tip 6 - Changing Gears. This is an important part of drivin' and I hope you is payin' attention. There are two main gears you will use, thats 4 and 5. I suggest using 5th in residental areas, and 4th if you is driving on a field or somthin'. Tip 7 - Breaking and Corners. Breaking and corners 'ave alot in common. You need to be usin' the handbreak for both. Tip 8 - Correct Signalling. Remember that the horn and headlights aint just for gettin' the attention of that biatch wid de short skirt. They is best used to cuss other drivers if they is goin' too slow (ie 90 mph). Tip 9 - Advanced warning signs and Speed limits. I aint sure what these things are. You can make about £30 stealing them though. AYE! Tip 10 - Dat's it, you is now a safe driver. You will be able to spend hours sat in the carpark at MFI wid da Drum and Bass pumpin out. Keep it safe, keep it real... respect. -Wicked! -<>- THE GROANERS A fellow invented what he called a "toning solution" for boats to help the material they're made of last longer and resist the ravages of wind and weather and water. Sure that he was about to grow rich from his invention, he gleefully sent his three grown sons off to all the local marinas to sell bottles of the toning solution to the boat-owners. As the three fellows left bearing boxfuls of the bottles, their father admonished them, "Leave no stern untoned!" (Cynthia MacGregor) "Alpha sector, this is Tango sector. How you doing out there, Alpha?" "Tango, Alpha. Its cold, I'm hungry, and I'm sick of this whole thing. When will there be peace in South Africa?" "It takes Tutu, Tango." (Jason Dias) I actually met this man once and was pleased to realize that we share common hobby. We both collect ballet costumes that are only worn at 11:58. Imagine his surprise and confusion when I told him, "I have a two to two tutu too Tutu." (Gary Hallock/George McClughan) A famous early movie star was Harold Lloyd. Back when he was an unknown, his agent walked into the movie mogul's office one day and said, "I want to sell you Lloyd. (Cynthia MacGregor) Police officials in Niagara Falls, NY, have noted that in the past few years, since the construction of improved fences at the viewing points, there's been a reduction in the number of Falls Alarms to 911. On the other hand, the number of false alarms at movie theaters has not gone down because those are always treated as Reel Alarms. (Bob Dvorak) I'm reminded of the poor octopus who had all his limbs amputated in a tragic industrial accident. He was fitted with some fine prostheses but now is known as "False all arms." (Gary Hallock) A particular ant in the colony was ill. The boss let him off food-searching duty for the day, instead allowing him to merely move a small pile of crumbs from one anthill entrance to another. Sick as the poor fellow was, he had to pause every few inches and hack his lungs out before continuing his task. After he'd repeated this a few dozen times, there was a track in the sand. A backyard bugwatcher watched this for awhile and then motioned to his neighbor. "You gotta come see this!" "What is it?" "It's the Arc of the Coughin' Ant!" (Burt Juda) n n .'_`= ='_e. .e/ \e. .-e ( ) e-. .e . e) (e ,e`. ,-<.--'\|> /|/`--.>-, |\ ,| / | /| a:f When a wild giraffe gets a sore throat (which is very serious, as you can imagine) he goes instinctively to a special 'short tree' area of the savannah where he can munch leaves at an easier level and hang with other sick giraffes while they all recover together. When Steven Spielberg heard about this he thought 'What a swell movie that would make.' So he went to Africa and spent millions in pre-production trying to make a hit movie with the story of these ailing giraffes. But it never did quite come together for some reason, and Spielberg was very disappointed. He said to himself "I wish I could somehow salvage this project, 'cause it's got a terrific title'. (Rose Katz) Wouldn't you know it...they are making a movie about Barbie and her breakup with Ken. The working title is reminiscent of a horse movie that is in theaters right now, it is called "He-Doll, Go!" (Tiff Wimberly) The full moon doesn't have only evil or scary effects on terrifying creatures. It can also do a world of good for them. For example, it can greatly enhance their intelligence. As a case in point, a certain demon and his girlfriend awoke one evening and went out for a light snack of blood but couldn't seem to find any victims... till the rays of the full moon caught both of them squarely, at which point they wised up and realized all the townspeople were at the night ballgame. So they hurried to the ballfield and had themselves a feast. A surprising example of newfound genius? Not at all! You should know that a ghoul and his honey are moon-smarted. (Cynthia MacGregor) My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia Smith on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!" . (William Brabant) There was this `working girl' in Finland who did her tricks for dried goods, despite having a genius-level IQ. Seems she broke a law in Ruoen, bringing the long arm of French law to Finland. When a French policier is off to a goods tart, he's guaranteed a brilliant Finnish. (Jason Dias) I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box. Fortunately, I have two six-foot-tall sons whom I often call to come to my rescue. "Hey, Brian!" I yelled to my second son, who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?" "Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'" (Timothy Anger) What? Barbie and Ken broke up? Many's the time we've seen her loose her head to a brash young man (Oh, brother!) but I never figured she'd take such action. Not being anatomically correctly constructed, it's possibly that she grew weary of him constantly trying to slip another shrimp on the Barbie when he went down under. I hear that Ken's left town on an extended vacation. I guess he's just trying to get away from a doll. (Gary Hallock) -<>- .-c. _ .., _ ( ")\ ['" 6'-' __\ / \ /_ snd `----' '-._\ JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS On an especially busy day, the shipping clerk felt boxed in. (Pun of the Day) The owner thought he might even be an arch criminal. However, there's always dignity in de feet. He went away and tried to play the shoe horn... but he got only foot notes. He decided to become a used shoe salesman, because old shoes can be re-soled. (Carol's Humor) Those who play musical instruments for radio or TV have to stay tuned (Mike Bull) When the air conditioner goes out on a hot day, its hard to keep your cool. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) Army doctors are involved in big military operations. (Mike Bull) A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and says, 'Beer please, and one for the road.' (Syman Hirsch) Every calendar's days are numbered (Pun of the Day) I think my vegetables are upset at the way I cooked them over boiling water. They're really steamed. (Pam Dilbeck) As Tarzan flew through the air he was truly de-vine (Pun of the Day) They asked the tailor how it was going, and he replied, 'sew far, sew good'. He had a measure of happiness and was well suited to his job. He also had many problems to a dress. He could usually keep the thread of a conversation. But his promises were pure fabrication. . (Mike Bull) The human cannonball was late for work, and got fired. (Pun of the Day) Some say the moon affects the tide. Others, the untied. Those who study the moon are definitely optimists. They look on the bright side. One astronaut made two trips to the moon and then wrote a paper about it. The paper was double spaced. (Mike Bull) An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire. (Pun of the Day) The police can do a search if it's warranted. (Renee From Napa) Television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel (Mike Bull) A bust is made of famous people who were a head of their time. . (Pun of the Day) Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank (Archives) Steam shovel operator's son: Doug (Archives) Hair stylist's son: Bob (Archives) Lawyer's daughter: Sue (Archives) Lawyer's son: Will (Archives) Thief's son: Rob (Archives) -<>- >Carry A Flashlight A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight." ========================================================= >-->Fun Places To Net Visit :) Focus on the family http://www.focusonthefamily.com/ Help from Dr. Nicolosi http://www.narth.com/ The Drink Wheel http://www.intox.com/wheel/drinkwheel.asp -<>- >From Our Friend Jo Ann :) The Radio http://www.theradio.com/ --- ...Cool Site! Thanks Jo Ann! -<>- >From Our Friends Del, Casey, MrWu :) Summer Camp for kids at lajitas http://camplajitas.net/ --- ...Cool Hot Spot! Thanks Del! -<>- >From Our Friend Sandi :) Happy Thanksgiving! Totally Awesome http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=0183913358 --- ...Nice! Thank You Sandi! -<>- >From The Mouth Billboardom A gallery of creative outdoors. Gallery of billboards, signage and other outdoor advertising. http://www.billboardom.blogspot.com/ Asteroid Revenge Use keys to rotate your asteroid, hit the ships but avoid the fire. http://www.flashninjaclan.com/games.php?ID=27 >From LynnLynn's Links: John w/ Happy Thanksgiving http://heavens-gates.com/happythanksgiving/ John w/ Turkey Shoot http://heavens-gates.com/turkeyshoot/ Frog Via Dianne http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t130/frog.htm Carol w/Where Are You http://www.carolspoetry.com/whereareu.html Police Pursuit http://www.buffaloschips.com/91920.htm Poor Braking Conditions http://www.buffaloschips.com/91921.htm Power Windows http://www.buffaloschips.com/91922.htm Otto http://www.buffaloschips.com/91916.htm Patton http://www.buffaloschips.com/91917.htm Pepsi http://www.buffaloschips.com/91918.htm Perfect Husband http://www.buffaloschips.com/91919.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com =============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunks "American Express is in financial trouble and reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Unfortunate- ly for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diner's Club." - Conan O'Brien "Barbara Walters is doing a special on the man who got pregnant. If you get a sex-change operation then find yourself pregnant, you may want to ask yourself how good the doctor was." - Craig Ferguson "Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it was an absolute emergency. But since it was Nancy Pelosi, no one could tell from her facial expression that it was an emergency." - Jay Leno "Barack Obama's family is out looking for a dog for the White House. I hear Beverly Hills Chihuahua is on his short list." -David Letterman "While the fires were smoldering in California, much of the state was participating in an earthquake drill. They pre- tended there was a 7.8 earthquake. They say it was the biggest pretend earthquake ever to hit the United States." -Jimmy Kimmel "He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet" -Fred Allen "I took a course in speed reading and was able to read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia." -Woody Allen "There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else." -Cyrus Curtis ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSE :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR Send a BLANK email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************