All My Time & More ... :) Shangy! >-->Hot Off the 'SHANGY' Press... I Love a Good Mystery - Soooo ;) http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/mystery.html mystery ==================================================================== __ / .- /.-' |/,-'` All My Time At The Pub .--. // _.-'''-._ //~`_\//_ _.;.--._.--.;._ '--| // .|` /( O / \ O )\ ` An angry wife was complaining |~~~~~| ; '-' '-' ; about her husband spending all his _|__' | | (_) | time at the pub, so one night he / __) '| | . . | took her along. "What'll | __) | | `-.___.-' | .-. _ ya have?" he asked. | ___)' | ; \.-./ ; | | / | |~~| .| \ `-` / __| |/ /_ "Oh, I don't know. The | |====;___'._ _.'__ (_ _) same as you I suppose," \ /\"""""/\ `\ `| .'` she replied. '----------.`-`\^/`-`. \ |~~| | /~\ |`\ \ | | So the husband ordered a | |\| | \ `y | couple of Jack Daniel's jgs | |\| | \ / and threw his down in one | |\| | '.__.' go. His wife watched him, |___|\|___| then took a sip from her |===\_/===| glass and immediately | | spat it out. | L | | | | "Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she | | | spluttered. "I don't know how you < < | can drink this stuff!" | | | |____|____| "Well, there you go," cried the .---' / \ husband. "And you think I'm out / /| | enjoying myself every night!" '.______.' | | \__/ ==================================================================== +---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+ ENGLAND Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated. It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin. It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle. In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight. =============================================================== >-->From Our Friend Steve :) >A Classic: The Moutse __ __ ,',.\/,.`. \(_,''._)/ ._(.||.)_, (,>(__)<.) '`-.==,-'` )(_ _____ _.' `-. _.-'' ,','| \.\ ,-' `-.`: . :\\_ /,::::, ,::::, ,>))._ ,' `'` //::::/ /::::/ / )'/. //::::/ /::::/ / ,',|`.\ /______________/ /,'||'|)) \ _ _ __ _ _ _ \,':(_ |('((__ \___(,.)SSt____\,|_)))_))`--` /,' // A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: ,--..._ .' .-. `""--. _./`-. `-' __/| F `"--i_ `. \|========/`"\ `-. `"--.__.'`|J / /SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssss.._ _/ _ () | ! {._ / YS !__./ \ | / /.-.\SSSss...__ __.=P / `""--.__!' :| |:`"""""^^SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSP^^"" \ :`""""-----------..........!!_!!______ \ ! `"""""""""--------....._____: `"""""""""""----------........._________ | `"""""""------......______! fsc There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main Ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE. REMEMBER,,,, EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend. --- ...Cool! I always liked this one. -<>- >Strip Poker This et-ahem! I put on my JibJab jokebox page view it here http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/620854/jokeid/136898 ...That is funny! Thanks Steve! -<>- >PEARLS FROM ANDY ROONEY ... one of the greatest contemporary wordsmiths. I know that, if not all of them, at least a couple of them will inspire you. Andy Rooney could say so much with such few words; I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. -------- ...Cool! Thanks Steve! -<>- >A Sweet one - This made me cry. _ ___ (_) _/XXX\ _ /XXXXXX\_ __ X\__ __ /X XXXX XX\ _ /XX\__ \__/ \_/__ \ \ _/X\__ /XX XXX\ \ ___ \/ \_ \ \ __ _/ \_/ _/ - ___/ \__/ \ \__ \\__ / \_// _ _ \ \ __ / __ \ / \ \_ _//_\___ __/ // \___/ \/ __/_______\________\__\_/________\__/_/____/_____________/_______\_ ___ /L|0\ / | \ / \ / | \ / \ / __ | __ \ / __/ \__ \ / /__ | __\ \ /___________________\ / | \ / _|_ \ / ____/___\____ \ ___________[o0o]___________ O O O Paul Tomblin "Red Friday's" Last week a friend of mine was in Atlanta, Georgia attending a conference. While she was in the airport, returning home she heard several people behind her beginning to clap and cheer. She immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism she had ever seen. Moving through the terminal was a group of soldier's in their camo's. As they began heading to their gate everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering. When she saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered it hit her. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American who still loves this country and supports out troops and their families. Of course she immediately stopped and began clapping for these unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday so we can go to school, work, and home without fear or reprisal. Just when she thought she could not be more proud of our country or of our servicemen a woman and a young girl, not more than six or seven years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi", the little girl then asked him if he would give something to her Daddy for her. The young soldier , he didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her Daddy. The little girl grabbed the neck of the soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek. "Will you please give that hug to my Daddy?" she said. The mother of the girl, who said her daughter's name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter missed her father, the soldier began to tear up. When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military looking walkie-talkie. they started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it. After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her. "I spoke to your Daddy and he told me to give this to you," He then hugged the little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "Your Daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon." The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and her mom. My friend said she was standing no more than than 6 feet away as this event unfolded. As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As she stood there applauding and looked around, there were very few dry eyes including hers. \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ Mike Hertz That young soldier in one last act of selflessness turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with tears rolling down his cheeks. We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American. Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example: and wear something RED every Friday........ --- ...Loved this - Thanks Steve! ======================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Tony in Ausatralia :) >Easter 2007 This weekend, Easter 2007 was a weekend with a ‘difference’ There were things that just ‘had’ to be done, people to be ‘attended’ to and things that only my wife Barb and I could do and we did them. Mostly, ‘family’ things. Barbs parents are aged now, in their late 80’s and Dad has been unwell now for a couple of years. A ex POW who saw the bomb go off in Hiroshima, and who suffered to some degree working in Japanese coal mines and Mom who worked most of her life doing all sorts of things from cooking fish and chips to waitressing. They are getting to that point, although they wont admit it, that they need some ‘family’ help and attention. Barbs youngest sister came to visit from Darwin, we had friends arrive unexpected from Orange in New South Wales and having worked a straight 31 days, we decided that we would spend Easter at home and celebrate with our family and friends, none of who are what we would call regular ‘church goers’. There were movies on TV showing the “ Jesus” thing, and I doubt whether any of them truly got the message of Calvary and some of them probably heard it at least as many times as I have, but it didn’t make any differnence. The comments were, “ Of we saw that last year and the year before! Why show it again?” Now, I am not that much into TV, but the reason they ‘show it again’ seems to be overlooked….. IT NEEDS to be shown again. Strange then, that later in the day they are watching the news and it shows the carnage of road smashes caused by drunk drivers going on a weekend holiday and wiping out a whole family, strange then that when a 6 YEAR OLD is claimed to have been sexually harassing a school friend and is banned from that school by the law and the Education Dept, strange then, that a 40 year old woman is taking from a hotel by three men and raped and beaten. Buit it’s ok…. Really. They don’t KNOW any of those people! It wasn’t a neighbouring family wiped out! It wasn’t a friends daughter who’s wife was raped and it wasn’t the kid next door who was expelled from school! It must have happened in a different world! NOT THIS ONE! So….. why worry? Let someone else take care of it…. That same group of people in three different homes on thee different days posed the question, “ IF God is so good, why doesn’t HE forgive everyone and take us all to heaven. And there folks, is why they really should have sat for yes another 90 minutes and watched that movie! About Calvary. We went back into a world where there is no thanks nor prayers for the meals we shared together, no thought of what the occasion was other than just time off from work and I don’t think except from the lips of Barb or myself the Name Jesus was uttered except as a ‘swear’ word, and I heard that several times. It’s sad. I work hard to be ‘good’ and I set standards for myself, but they really aren’t ever as high as the standards that God sets. So, God being the ‘ultimate’ authority and being the Creation/ Salvation plan Orchestrator, why? Would it be made ‘jam easy’ for us? To go to Heaven? God could have made heaven right here ! He could have made the salvation plan MUCH easier than it is! And Calvary? Well…. That would have been totally un-necessary except as a modern day tourist spot, somewhere to go and eat figs. Why would God want to settle for second best for ungrateful people who really deserve perhaps less than what they already have? We are NOT the best! But we have to work on it! Bible says we ALL have fallen short of the Glory of God! Someone I know and love dearly, admitted to me that there was something of quality on a shop shelf and right alongside , the same item of a more inferior quality, so they swapped the labels…. And they laughed at me as they told me. That’s some time ago now and I have wondered if it ever became a habit. Sin….does become a habit. We may even get away with breaking man’s laws, but we will never get away with breaking God’s laws…. I make a living by selling….. And I have gone through some tough times trying to sell ‘hard sell’products and the temptation has always been there, to ‘flower up’ the truth in order to make a sale…. That’s lying, pure and simple… It’s a sin! and sin is a sin….( I am a simple man) Changing labels is no better! It is taking something that shouldn’t and doesn’t belong to you till it is paid for properly! Bible tells us if you violate ONE command….. you violate them all. Once you do this you put yourself in spiritual jeopardy and the already ‘slim’ chance of salvation is dashed. Sin begin in the mind….A man(or woman) sees a member of the opposite sex and thinks they are sexually attractive. If that person is someone other than their spouse, in their mind, they are already guilty of adultery. If your neighbour has something you want and the temptation is to take it away, you have sinned twice….once for the thought of wanting something because it belongs to someone else and again if you think about ‘taking’ it. Many sins are committed in our hearts, Praise the Lord he gives us opportunity to repent! God loves us… that’s’ why. The thing we forget is also ‘simple’. As much as God loves us, He is also a ‘vengeful’ God. F we remain in sin, denying Him, He will have His revenge and the wages is death according to Gods word. If you owe God a debt! And those debts cannot be transferred to someone else, take them to Jesus…. He paid for your sin and all He asks is for you to have a heart where He can dwell. Your eternal life with Him, depends really on so very little. 1 John 3:1 Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 2 Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 3 And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure. 4 Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness. 5 And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin. Br Tony ---- ...Thank You Tony - I loved this! It reminds me of my thoughts with my brother recently that I had about Easter... "Every time I think of it I think the devil must be standing back laughing at us humans - we can't even count. 3 days and 3 nights. You'd think it wouldn't be so hard. First he's got the whole set of churches praising God and calling it 'good' friday the day Jesus was crucified - you see it in the news - church people everywhere singing and dancing as if it is so great that the Son of God was tortured and gave his life for us on this day! Like saying - Hey - that man is a hero - he died for me so you know what? Every year on this day, I'm going to party! I'm going to honor him - Yep a good day to hold a party!' (A prayer meeting with solemn respect for the grave thing that Jesus went through for us with people who love God acting a little more like it brings them sorrow that Jesus had to suffer so very much for their sake would be more appropriate behavior). 2nd if that wasn't bad enough, instead of morning over his death till the day God actually raised him from the dead, we jump the gun, eat a big feast [preferably ham - which is what God said was unclean in the old testament and didn't want his people to eat but we're celebrating the end of the Law with Jesus dying so I guess it is OK now - pig out time!], sing more praises and party with sugar bombs some bunny left on our doorstep. The devil must be rolling on the floor laughing for sure because the 3rd stupid thing is the day the miracle actually did take place and God raised Jesus from the dead conquering death, leading captivity captive and giving gifts unto man - well guess what? No one cares. We're all too busy going back to work and saying - 'What you talking 'bout? We already celebrated that!' People are just easy marks for the devil - ya know it? Oh well, I just gotta shake my head - it is no wonder that Jesus said 'Father forgive them for they know not what they do' - Jesus knew people are easily fooled! Thank God he didn't let them get to him, but let God be his guiding light and wisdom." Your Easter 2007 made me think of this. I think back then the Catholic church was too eager to not offend the Pagan people. Wanted to let them have their holidays and our holidays and it didn't matter what the consequences - make everyone happy. Just like we do today. Leave our morals out of politics - let the others have their unchristian ways and keep God out of our schools and public places if it'll make peace with the heathens. We compromise and do the politically correct thing. Certainly don't want to step on Gay rights or Muslim Rights or Black Rights and the list goes on. Instead of stepping up for God through Christ Jesus, we step down and let the heathen have their way. Peace is so important to us we forget what is the most important. God's Way! Oh well, I'm off the podium now - sorry for the rantings! Love In Christ ... :) Shangy! ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Becky :) When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you! If you are one of the 93% who will stand up for him, forward this with the title, "I'm in the 93%". , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' Thinking of you! _.--. ;.-'i.`._.--, {(;{} y`-.`,_`--. <`~;`-( _.'`.~`.' \ \ `i.' ` Y },-,) .j~. | ; / _j\ <_ `! ;_.'( / >-, `---.,' .'-j / `. ,<_ ( `. \ `=-j\ `--->In The Worldly News: >From Christian Coalition of America: On Good Friday, President George W. Bush issues Easter Greeting to Americans saying: "On this powerful day, let us join together and give thanks to the Almighty for the glory of His grace" President George W. Bush spending his 7th Easter weekend in office issued the following proclamation from the White House in Crawford, Texas: "Laura and I send greetings to all those celebrating the glorious Easter holiday. The Resurrection of Jesus Christ is the most important event of the Christian faith. Easter morning holds wonder and promise, and it is a chance for people everywhere to gather with family and friends to celebrate the power of love conquering death. In this season of renewal, we can rejoice in Christ's rising, draw strength and inspiration from His example, and remember that in the end, even death itself will be defeated. This Easter we pray for all our men and women in uniform and for the military families whose loved ones are deployed on important missions in distant lands. We remember especially those who have given their lives in freedom's cause. On this powerful day, let us join together and give thanks to the Almighty for the glory of His grace. Happy Easter, and may God bless you. GEORGE W. BUSH Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals Rebukes the ACLU on Wednesday and Rules that the National Scout Jamboree Will Go on as Scheduled/Democrat President Franklin Roosevelt Attended National Scout Jamboree in 1937 ,.,. ((((^)) d e_# b \._./ ,---i`-'i---. / | `-' | \ |__| |__| \ | | | \ \______ | | \/ ) \|| \ |- | |'//\ |___|___| | | | ( | ) {_ |__| (__|__} _>= | =<_ hjw (__._|_.__) Today, the Boy Scouts of America won a major victory over their tormentors -- the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and other atheists -- as the 7th United States Circuit Court of Appeals 3-judge panel ruled that the 2010 National Scout Jamboree will be able to use military facilities and that the ACLU's claim that accommodation for the Boy Scouts by the military is unconstitutional is solely without merit. Democrat Leaders Continue to Demoralize Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan -- and to Turn-off the Broad American Middle Who Vote in Presidential Elections -- by Refusing to Pass Emergency Supplemental Legislation for Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan/Joint Chiefs of Staff Urge Congress to Immediately Vote to Fund Troops In Iraq and Afghanistan On Monday, the Joint Chiefs of Staff including Gen. Peter J. Schoomaker, USA; Adm. Michael G. Mullen, USN; Gen. T. Michael Moseley, USAF; Gen. James T. Conway, USMC sent a letter urging the United States Congress to pass the needed funding for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is what they wrote to the Members of Congress: Christian Coalition of America urges the Democrat leadership in Congress to stop their irresponsible stonewalling of the critical funding which our troops need in Iraq and Afghanistan. A new Fox News poll shows only 30% of Americans approve the performance of this Democrat Congress. The same poll noted that 69% of the American people say the top general in Iraq, General David Patraeus, should manage the war and not the 535 Members of Congress (Fox News poll, March 29, 2007.) The Democrats' "Cut, Run, and Surrender" policy has no hope of succeeding and the American people are already tired of their defeatist tactics as seen by these polls. ACTION: Please your Congressman and 2 Senators at 202-225-3121 or you can go to http://www.cc.org/contactcongress.cfm and email them and urge them to tell the Democrat leaders of the House and Senate to immediately pass the Emergency Supplemental Bill for troops in Iraq and Afghanistan without deadlines and without wasteful pork projects, which were used to buy votes of Members of Congress. Psalm 33:12 “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord…” Please be sure to forward this message on to as many people as possible! CCA http://www.christian-coalition.net/ CCA -<>- >An Et-Ahem from LifeScript Heathy Advantage Some may think this inappropriate, but the way our society acts these days concerning sex, the more knowledge just means the more safe we are. I was watching the family channel yesterday and was shocked to see young teenagers dancing like their idols on MTV and dirty dancing with each other. It is no wonder parents have a difficult time with teens. It is best to arm ourselves with knowledge. Biggest Sex Myths – Exposed! ('( \ \ " Help !!! Alligators...." d@b | | @@@@' | ('( Y@P `--.. \ `--' .' `. `---....__/ | / . \ /^^^^\ / .'\ \ /^^\________/0 \ \ \ \ \ ( `~+++,,_____,,++~ -unknown- \ \ \__\ ...V^V^V^V^V^V^\........................ _`--` `--' Allen Mullen Alligators in the New York City sewers. Aliens at Roswell. Jimmy Hoffa buried at the Meadowlands. You can’t get pregnant if the guy pulls out Some myths never die. But while Hoffa’s final resting place has little bearing on your life, myths about sex can rob you of pleasure, lead to unwanted pregnancy and even endanger your health. Get the plain facts on some of the biggest sex myths that are (unbelievably!) still hanging around… http://tinyurl.com/374rud Sex Myths -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- ...But I'm a Screamer, Baby! -------------- SACRAMENTO - A California amusement park has instituted a no-screaming policy on a ride so scary it is known as The Screamer. The problem was the neighbors of the Family Fun Center in Sacramento, KXTV-TV reported. They complained about the volume of screams coming from the ride. Park managers say the new policy is working. If someone does scream, the ride is stopped immediately and the guilty party is ordered off. Those who want to try again have to wait in line. Some neighbors are still unhappy. They say that The Screamer, with arms that lift riders high into the air, gives a view of their backyards, interfering with their privacy. -- Engagement ends in suit over ring ------------- NAPERVILLE, Ill. - An Illinois couple's engagement began romantically with a $48,000 ring and ended in court with a suit over the pear-shaped diamond bauble. Richard Phebus and Renee Mingilino of Naperville, Ill., broke up in February, two months after he went down on one knee in a Chicago-area Italian restaurant and put the ring on her finger. This week, a judge ordered Mingilino to return the ring, the Chicago Tribune reported. Mingilino said she only hung on to the ring because Phebus wrote her telling her she could keep it. "He can have his ring -- he can shove it as far as it goes," Mingilino said to the Tribune. "Just seeing my name on the same paperwork with this guy is enough to make me want to vomit. I don't want anything to do with that ring; I don't want anything to do with that guy." Phebus was more charitable, describing the court action as "a sad thing." "She's a woman. She's emotional -- I didn't want her to do something silly out of anger," Phebus told the newspaper. ================================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: ** Miss Me?? ** Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door." ++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Behavior Problems ** Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Key To Longevity's ** An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam. The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?" The man replied, "I am 78." The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 88. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life." ++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Finding Mommy ** My friend's little granddaughter, Samantha, was not yet 3 years old when one day she called out to her mother. Her mommy had placed Samantha in her room to take a nap and didn't answer the little girl. Finally, after several calls, Samantha's mother heard the little girl yell, "Dear Jesus, help me find Mommy." Needless to say, Mommy was there pronto! +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Jesus. If You're Out There ** A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom? +++++++++++++++++++ ** I WONDER WHY ** 1. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? 2. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 5. Why is a boxing ring square? 6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? 7. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? 8. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? 9. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 10. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 11. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 12. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 13. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 14. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** The New Policy ** Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK. To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks. While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial. The Management ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Air and Airplanes ** ** Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills. ** Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror. ** It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here. ** Without fuel, pilots become pedestrians. ** If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off. ** Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. ** No one has ever collided with the sky. ** It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than to be up there wishing you were down here. ** Experience is a hard teacher. First comes the test, then the lesson. ** Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone. ** If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. ** To go up, pull the stick back. To go down, pull the stick back harder. ** Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first! ** Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time. ** The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival. ** There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots. ** Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day. ** Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission. ** Never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him. +++++++++++++++++++++++ ** Things Which Do You No Good In Aviation: ** ** Altitude above you. ** Runway behind you. ** Fuel in the truck. ** A navigator ** Half a second ago. ** Approach plates in the car. ** The airspeed you don't have. ** It is far better to arrive late in this world than early in the next. +++++++++++++++++++++++ ** You're From Pennsylvania If ** 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going to Erie for the weekend. 3. You measure distance in hours. 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. 5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 6. You use a down comforter in the summer. 7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events. 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries. 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Derby store at any given time. 13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas. 16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction 17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town. 18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Pennsylvania. =================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. ***** A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too." ººººººººººººººººººººººººººº >DOG OR DAWG? A__A //..\\ ////@\\\ ____ ////U\\\ //.\\\ ////\\\////@\\\ //////\\\\\\U/// /////\\\\////\\\ unknwon To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners... A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg (Yankee) Poodle (Southern) Circus Dawg (Yankee) St. Bernard (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg" (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches (Yankee) Beagle (Southern) Rabbit Dawg (Yankee) Rottweiler (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still. (Yankee) Yellow Lab (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg (Yankee) Black Lab (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg (Yankee) Greyhound (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg (Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc. (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs (Yankee) Pekinese (Southern) Mop Dawg (Yankee) Chinese Crested (Southern) Nekkid Dawg (Yankee) Dachshund (Southern) Wienie Dawg (Yankee) Siberian Husky (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor (Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?" (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg (Yankee) Any lazy dog (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg (Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had -<>- >Prophetic Words of Wisdom 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? -<>- Q. Which soda used to contain an antidepressant? A. "Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda", in the late 1920's, invented by C.L. Griggs. The name was soon shortened to 7-Up, but the lithium stayed in the recipe until the 1940's. To subscribe, send a blank mailto: scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@yahoogroups.com =================================================================== >-->FUN Places to NET Visit :) >From MouthPiece: Bumper Stickers And You Bumper stickers are a lot like tattoos. Not only have I never seen a cool one, but they say a lot about you. Visit: Bumper Stickers And You --- Television Obscurities Welcome to the Television Obscurities, home to an ever- expanding collection of oddities, curiosities and relics from television's past and present. Inside these pages you'll find some fifty articles covering subjects like short-lived programs, unsold pilots, lost television promos and much, much more. Visit: Television Obscurities ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "In a new interview with George Michael announced that despite repeated requests, he will never be part of a reunion with the '80s group Wham!. In case you're curious, the repeated requests all come from the other guys in Wham!." - Conan O'Brien "Charles Simonyi became the latest billionaire to go into space with the Russians. He's Martha Stewart's boyfriend, this guy. If I was Martha Stewart's boyfriend I'd be going too." - Craig Ferguson "Only eight episodes of 'The Sopranos' left, so after that we'll have to get all of our televised violence from 'The View'." - Jimmy Kimmel "What a crowd! Or at Easter time, what I like to call my 'peeps." -Jay Leno "Big movie opening today. 'Grindhouse.' Rose McGowan plays a girl with a machine gun leg. Dick Cheney's dream girl." -Craig Ferguson When things go wrong don't go with them. -- Elvis Presley Most lives are spent putting on and taking off masks. -- Gore Vidal ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. 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