Ant And Grasshopper, Seenager And More... :) Shangy!
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================
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================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
.======================================.
| ___ ___ ___ _ _ _ |
| \_/ \_/ \_/ C|||C|||C||| |-| |-| |-| |
| _|_ _|_ _|_ ||| ||| ||| |_| |_| |_| |
'===================================== ,sSSSs
DUFFY'S WATERING HOLE SSSS "(
.:. SSS@ =/ \~/
C|||' SSSS_(_ _Y_
___|||______________________________SS/ _)_) /.-
[____________________________________] \ /\//
| ____ ____ ____ ____ | \|==(\_/
| (____) (____) (____) (____) | (/ ;
| | | | | | | | | | |____|
| | | | | | | | | | \ |\
| | | | | | | | | | ) ) )
| |____| |____| |____| |____| | ( |/
| I====I I====I I====I I====I | /\ |
jgs | | | | | | | | | /.(=\
Y\_\
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me
six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the
answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is
gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas. The bartender said, "Wow! Doesn't anybody in your
family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
-<>-
Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
One man said fondly: "I dreamed I was on vacation. It was just me
and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I also had a great dream," said the other. "I dreamed I was in
bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
His buddy looked over and exhorted, "You had a dream you had two
women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said
you'd gone fishing."
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
September 14 is International Crab Fest Day and National Cream-
Filled Donut Day
September 15 is Make a Hat Day and Felt Hat Day - On this day, men
traditionally put away their felt hats.
September 16 is American Legion Day, Collect Rocks Day, Step Family
Day, Mayflower Day, Mexican Independence Day, National Play Doh
Day and Working Parents Day
September 17 is Citizenship Day, Constitution Day and National
Apple Dumpling Day
September 18 is National Cheeseburger Day and Rosh Hashanah
September 19 is International Red Panda Bear Day, International
Talk Like A Pirate Day, National Butterscotch Pudding Day,
National Dance Day and Oktoberfest begins in Germany
September 20 is National Pepperoni Pizza Day, National Punch
Day, National Women's Friendship Day and Wife Appreciation Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
...
{@} * {@}
{@} * {@} * {@}
: * {@} * {@} * .;
{@} * {@} * {@} * {@}
* ; * ; {@} * ; * :
;\ \ \ \| / / /;
\\ \ Y/ / /
`_\ |/ _'
/ \\Y// \
( ,-}={-, )
\_//((\_/
//))(\
(/ ))
((
valkyrie \)
>Coincidence
Purely by coincidence, I ran into my husband in our local grocery
store. He was carrying a beautiful pink azalea, and I joked, "That
better be for me,"
From behind, a woman's voice: "It is now."
-<>-
>The Perfect Prom Dress
The teenager had been in the boutique for several hours and finally
chose the "perfect" prom dress.
The saleswoman was surprised when the girl returned the next day
with the outfit. "Can I exchange this for something else?"
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My parents like it."
-<>-
>Wild Cuisine
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and
fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.
We eat so much wild game, in fact, that one evening as I set a
platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my
ten-year-old daughter looked up and said:
"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."
-<>-
>Your Way
At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife about
how she always gets her way.
"Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a
compromise."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.
She replied, "That's a miracle."
-<>-
>At the Supermarket
At the supermarket, I overheard two women talking in the next aisle.
"Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very
happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if
it is more expensive."
"Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her
friend replied.
I turned into their aisle. Both women were loading their shopping
carts with high-quality cat food.
-<>-
>The Wisdom of Children
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't
answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your
school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when
she's on the phone.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
!
.':'.
.':::::'.
.':::::::::'.
.':::::::::::::'.
|| % ||
|| .-. ||
|| / \ ||
|| /_____\ ||
|| O ||
.'||_________||'.
.' .'"^"^"^"^"^"'. '.
.' .'"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"'. '.
.' .'"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"^"'. '.
>SMILES:
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first
Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having
trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise,
spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living
in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an
expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same
problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
----------
The first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids
stow their stuff.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?
----------
Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new
employee who never arrived at work on time.
I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other
employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day.
After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a
problem and even offered a solution.
"Is there another door I could use?"
----------
Charlie was lying on the couch, when his wife went over to him
and removed his glasses.
"You know, dear," she said tenderly, "without your glasses you
look like the same handsome young man I married."
Grinning, Charlie replied, "Honey, without my glasses, you still
look pretty good too!"
----------
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were
first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would
bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around
barking.
Now after ten years it's all changed. I come home, the dog brings
the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the
same service!"
----------
>THOUGHTFUL FACTS
\
,,,,,,
/e ''(
(_ ` \
___> \
/ ,_\-.___ \_
/ _)/ / \
| \ / ` _ |
__\____/ / ' |
/ _ /______/
/ _/ \,_____/o (
\__)/` \
/ \__________/_/_
_/ \ \ )/ \
/ / | /\ (
\_____/ ___/ \ \ _/ \
______/_/___|_| ) \ /
/ o\ o\ / / /\
b'ger,,,'-----^--',,,,,,',,|_,,\_ ,,\/,,
1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!
8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for
cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
12. I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids
would you like?
13. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
14. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
15. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the
feeling passes.
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
( )___( )
/__oo \
( \/ )
| `=/ |
/ \
/ / \ \
/ ( \ \
( ,_/_ \ \
\_ '= \ )
""' / /
; / /'?
: (((( /
ctr `._ \ _ (
__| | /_
("__,.."'_._.)
>AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods one day.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
Oh my God!!
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. After all that,
do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? If I do this
for you, then am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
Very well, said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
Lord bless this food, which I am about
to receive from Thy bounty, Amen.
---
...HaHa! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
//_____ __
@ )====// .\___
\#\_\__(_/_\\_/
/ / \\
Jiri Matejicek
>The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different ..
Two Different Versions .. Two Different Morals
* OLD VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!
"=.
"=. \
\ \
_,-=\/=._ _.-,_
/ \ /=-._ "-.
|=-./~\___/~\ / `-._\
| \o/ \o/ / /
\_ `~~~;/ | |
`~,._,-' / /
| | =-._ /
_,-=/ \=-._ /|`-._/
// \\ )\
/| |)_.'/
//| |\_." _.-\
(| \ / _.`= \
|| ":_ _.;"_.-;" _.-=.:
_-."/ / `-."\_." =-_.;\
`-_./ / _.-=. / \\
| =-_.;\ ." \\
\ \\/ \\
/\_ .'\\ \\
// `=_ _.-" \\ \\
// `~-.=`"`' || ||
LGB || _.-_/| || |\_.-_
_.-_/| /_.-._/ |\_.-_ \_.-._\
/_.-._/ \_.-._\
* MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and
well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and
everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green'
Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the Black Lives Matter group
singing, We shall overcome.
Then Reverend Al Sharpton has the group kneel down to pray for
the grasshopper while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC
to complain that rich people do not care.
Former President Obama condemns the ant and blames Donald Trump,
President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher
Columbus, the Pope and Christianity for the grasshopper's plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer exclaim in an interview on The View
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and
both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar, Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading
friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the
government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to
be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper
doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the
house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize and ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful,
neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world
with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2020.
I've sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant
not a grasshopper! Make sure that you pass this on to other ants.
---
...Teehee! Good analogy! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
*
_| __
(__ Question _)
|
*
jgs
There are a ton of 'Hints' out there about making cleaning
quicker, easier and cheaper. Often by using short-cuts or
substituting common household products for expensive
cleaners and detergents. And while many of these short cuts
work great, you should be cautious about the occasional bit
of bad advice. So let's take a look at a few common cleaning
tips that might actually do more harm than good.
Spray window cleaner on your computer
The chemicals in window cleaners might be fine on window
panes, but, over time, you'll find that using them on your
computer will yellow, fog, and crack the screen. The best
way to clean a computer screen is with a simple damp cloth.
Use olive oil to polish wooden furniture
Using olive oil on wood furniture is a popular tip you'll
find on the Internet, but olive oil leaves behind a sticky
residue that traps dust and debris, giving you more to
clean in the long run.
Use hairspray to rid of ink stains
Once upon a time, back when hairsprays were composed
primarily of alcohol, this cleaning tip actually worked,
hence its staying power. However, today's hairsprays are
either low in alcohol or entirely alcohol-free, making
this common cleaning tip a bad one.
The old Coca-Cola in the toilet bowl trick
When you're cleaning your toilet bowl, it's best to stick
to products that are actually designed to do the job and
leave the Coca-Cola in the kitchen. Though many claim that
the soft drink can cut through stains, it can actually have
the opposite effect and potentially darken them, with the
sugar in the drink creating a breeding ground for bacteria.
-<>-
,--. ,--.
( O ) ( O )
`--' \ `--'
\ _
>-. / /|
`-.__.'
Krogg
>NOW Here's Some GOOD TIPS:
Use denture tablets to clean your coffee pot
Your grimy coffee maker doesn't need replacing - it just
needs some denture cleaner! Put a couple tablets where the
water goes and run a couple of cycles in your machine.
This will clear out any gunk that could be formed on the
inside.
Scrub your cast iron skillet with a potato
Don't want to ruin your precious cast iron skillet by
cleaning it with soap? Break out a spud instead! Pour some
coarse salt into the cast iron pan and use half a potato
to rub it in until that mess has broken up and can be
rinsed off.
Make your sink fixtures gleam with wax paper
The constant wear and tear we put on our sinks often means
they look less than clean, even after they've been
thoroughly wiped down. If you want to get your sink
spotless; after cleaning your sink with an antibacterial
cleanser, polish your taps and handles with some wax paper.
The wax in the paper will also repel water, preventing
future stains from taking hold.
Eliminate upholstery stains with shaving cream
There's no need to hire an expensive professional to get
those stains out of your upholstery. Rub a little shaving
cream (not gel) into the stain, let it sit for 30 minutes
on more stubborn stains, and then blot to dry. However,
this should be done on a small and inconspicuous area of
your furniture first to make sure it doesn't affect the
upholstery's color.
---
...I discovered the dish soap trick...
\_/
'-0-'
--0--
.-0-.
\_/
'-0-'
--0--
.-0-.
\_/
'-0-'
--0--
jgs .-0-.
I kept having trouble with black ants taking over my dishwasher.
I like to wait until my machine is full of dishes to run it and
I am a firm believer in not rinsing my dishes before putting
them into the dishwasher. No big chunks mind you but, hey! What
is the dishwasher's job if not to wash the dishes so I don't have
to? However, this can attract ants. Especially if, like me, your
dishwasher is older and not the best sealed or you have family
members that don't always close the door tight= when putting
their dis into it. Yes, we all chip in and fill the dishwasher
with our own dirty dishes.
So, anyway, it is very scary to open your dishwasher and suddenly
see it alive with black ants scurrying around inside of it
everywhere!
I use dish soap around my sink counter to stop little red ants
and all ants from crawling around on there so I decided to try
it on top of the dishwasher door and on it's bottom floor right
under the door. I just use a line of it.
I've found it stops ants from coming in and an added plus is that
I no longer have greasy build up under the door or in my drain.
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Trump Marks Solemn 9/11 With Historic Peace Deal
https://tinyurl.com/y2jvmo5y
Jeanine Pirro (9-12-2020)
https://www.bitchute.com/video/jBv02UmoTqC4/
HUGE Trump Rally in Reno Nevada - 11/12/20
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nrP-ShFL78
Trump supporters have such FUN! - Trump Train Responds To BLM Hate
and Violence With a Dance Party! M-A-G-A!
https://tinyurl.com/y5eqvvm7
More Trump Supporters having FUN! Massive Parade For Trump All
Along I-275 Loop In Ohio!
https://tinyurl.com/yyhutcrk
HUGE Crowds Having FUN For Trump In Michigan!
https://tinyurl.com/y5oz9g5r
President Donald Trump and his supporters know how to throw a peaceful
protest, and that’s exactly what happened in Nevada on Saturday.
Before the festivities, Trump supporters gathered in waves, holding
signs which read “peaceful protester” and “this is a peaceful
protest.”
https://tinyurl.com/yyhm2h49
Here Is the Scientific Truth About Masks, You Won’t Like It
“There’s no reason to be walking around with a mask,” Dr. Fauci told
“60 Minutes.” He went on to explain that masks can only block large
droplets, they give a false sense of security, and they cause people
to get more germs on their hands by fiddling with it.
https://tinyurl.com/y4ly463y
Trump: “If You Murder A Police Officer, You Should Receive The
Death Penalty!” / Candace Owens Shreds Lebron James After 2 LA
Sheriff’s Deputies Shot / Trump Says Drug Prices About To Come Way
Down!
https://welovetrump.com/
Powerful Minnesota Police Union Pulls Democratic Party Endorsements
The Minnesota Police and Peace Officers Association (MPPOA) will no
longer be backing multiple Democratic Party candidates in the Land
of 10,000 Lakes after a prominent candidate beat an effigy of
Minneapolis Police Federation President Bob Kroll and his wife in
his Kroll’s driveway while shouting “blue lives ain’t s–t.”
https://tinyurl.com/y5r7spmm
Trump’s Love Reverses Obama-Biden’s Deadly Neglect of U.S. Veterans
https://tinyurl.com/y3vb42lw
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: 'I don't care what Bob Woodward has to say'
https://tinyurl.com/yytj7pk3
State of the Union: 2 Kings 6:17
https://welovetrump.com/2020/09/13/state-of-the-union-2-kings-617/
Donald Trump’s National Intelligence Chief Does This After
Congressional Leaks
https://tinyurl.com/yxeafg4d
Middle School Kids Will Get Explicit S%x-Ed Lessons / Mueller’s
Team Claims they Accidentally Wiped all of their Phones / US
Ambassador to China Steps Down / Fans Boo and Protest Woke NFL
on Sunday / NAACP Leader Claims “There are No Blue Lives” / Teen
Prostitution Advocate and Former Abortionist Given Top Job at UN
https://reliablenewsnow.com/
Westwing News: Trump Signs Executive Order to Lower Drug Prices in
Fight Against Big Pharma - “My Most Favored Nation order will
ensure that our Country gets the same low price Big Pharma gives to
other countries. The days of global freeriding at America’s expense
are over,” President Trump wrote on Twitter.
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Meat, Crackers, Sauce
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
Police in Arizona say they subdued a samurai-sword wielding
man with a stun gun after he challenged officers to shoot
him, authorities said.
Police were investigating a complaint of loud music when
they encountered Robert Burns, 48, on Sunday evening.
Sgt. Tod Moore, a spokesman for the Cottonwood Police
Department, said officers announced their presence and
knocked on the door of Burns' home several times before he
answered while brandishing a samurai sword.
Burns was ordered to put down the sword, but he responded
by asking the officers if they were legitimate police,
Moore said. Officers continued to identify themselves and
Burns challenged them to shoot him, taking an aggressive
posture and raising his sword.
After multiple commands to stand down Burns drove the sword
into the ground, Moore said. The officers say Burns remained
aggressive with them, despite their attempts to reason with
him.
At one point, Burns reached for the sword again, prompting
officers to use a stun gun to help bring him into custody.
Burns was being held on suspicion of aggravated assault on
an officer, disorderly conduct with a weapon, making
unreasonable noise and being a prohibited possessor.
-<>-
Illusionist and daredevil David Blaine took hold of about
50 balloons and went for an hour's flight over the Arizona
desert.
Blaine, 47, live-streamed a video on his official YouTube
account chronicling the unusual stunt, which he dubbed
"Ascension."
"Every single stunt that I've ever done is about endurance
and pushing past what I thought would be possible," Blaine
said before the performance. "I can't imagine that many
people would dream of doing it."
Blaine lifted off Wednesday morning with an aim of making
it to an altitude of 18,000 feet, but he ended up reaching
24,900 feet -- nearly 5 miles into the air -- before
parachuting back to solid ground.
The performer said after safely landing that the stunt was
"awesome."
---
...I found the video here for you...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGy_ULyqkAE
*--- $500,000 scratch-off 'winner' was 'misprint' ---*
A New Mexico man said his elation at winning more than
$500,000 from a lottery scratch-off ticket turned to
disappointment when he learned it was a misprint. John
Wines, a recent retiree from Roswell, said he bought the
scratch-off from a local Shell station and he scratched
the ticket to reveal five winning numbers, two of which
were each worth $250,000. Wines said he took the ticket --
which has a stated maximum prize of $250,000 -- back to
the gas station to show how he had somehow managed to win
more than $500,000. "I took it back in and she told me that
is not a winner," Wines said. "They told me that it was a
misprint and they don't pay off for misprints." Wines
contacted officials with the New Mexico Lottery and
received a reply via email. "We did find a flaw in that
particular pack of tickets and it's been reported to our
printer. Thanks for bringing this to our attention. I did
complete a reconstruction of your ticket and it was not a
winner," the email read. Wines said he was crushed by the
news. "If it was $50 or $75, I would not think a thing
about it," he said. "But this is $500,000." The New Mexico
Lottery offered Wines $100 worth of tickets as compensation.
*--- Pickup truck ends up in pond ---*
Authorities in Florida said a pickup truck had to be fished
out of the retention pond outside a courthouse when the
driver's boot became stuck on the accelerator while
attempting to park. The Florida Highway Patrol said a 64-
year-old Largo man was attempting to park at the Pinellas
Justice Center in Clearwater when his boot became stuck on
the accelerator and the truck went over a raised curb,
crashed through a fence and plunged into the retention
pond. The driver was able to exit the vehicle and return
to shore safely with assistance from Pinellas County
Sheriff's Office personnel. He was not injured. A tow truck
was brought to the scene and fished the pickup out of the
water.
*--- Dog Beer sells out ---*
Beer giant Anheuser-Busch announced it quickly sold out
of its latest offering: a "Dog Brew" that contains no
alcohol and is designed to be enjoyed by man's best
friend. The brewing company said Dog Brew is a bone broth
made from pork, corn, celery, mint, turmeric and ginger,
ingredients designed to appeal to the tastes and
nutritional needs of dogs. "Bone broth is also a great way
for dogs who struggle to eat solid food to get all of their
extra nutrients. Your best friend is going to love it.
We're pawsitive," the company said. The product, offered
for order online, quickly sold out, but the company said
interested customers are being put on a waiting list while
more product is produced.
---
...Sounds like a good idea - especially for older dogs!
You can sign up here if you are interested in getting some:
https://www.busch.com/busch-dog-brew.html
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
__i
|---|
|[_]|
|:::|
|:::|
`\ \
\_=_\ jsm
>Twitter Addict
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted
to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you..."
-<>-
>The Longest Password Ever
During a recent password audit by a fortune 500 company, it
was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled
her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters
and include at least one capital."
On reflection, that almost makes perfect sense.
-<>-
>Going the Wrong Way
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving
the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all
the cars were leaving.
-<>-
.-''-.
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>I'll Get Too Tired
The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string
to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" said the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
-<>-
>Q and A Quickies:
Q: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A: The juve-niles!
Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and Ships.
: What does a jellyfish have on its tummy?
A: A jelly button.
Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?
A: A township.
.-.
## )
*
_.-+*'`*+-._
,## _ _ #.
;### ((.;;.)) ##:
.=._.; ,-*:;;:*-. *##:._.=,
>##; *-')_@@_(`-* ;###<
---------------`****------(o `` o)-----*****'-------------e:l
`-""-'
Q: What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A: A steak out.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_____ __________
\_+_/ |
.//`\\. | _______
((o,o)) | | |
'.=.' | | EKCFL |
_)_(_ | | flpeb |
/' \ / '\ | | ,.,., |
/ (_ | _) \ | |_______|
/ / )_o_( \ \ |()
\ \/ \/ / |
\/_) (_\/ _|__|~|_______
| | |______________
| | , ||, '
Sher^ |_______| || ,
\ | / || ,
Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my
husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was
handed a clipboard full of forms to fill out.
Next to "Reason for visit?" he wrote, "My wife made me."
-<>-
A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power.
She had made her family's favorite cake over the weekend,
she explained, and they had eaten half of it. The next
day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself
a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she had
polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be
disappointed.
"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.
"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and
ate half."
-<>>-
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing
machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
-<>-
Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since
my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic
Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout
their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned
to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall
have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked
what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we
have the ceremony without me?"
-<>-
A friend had a waitressing position open at his diner and
asked job seekers to fill out an application. Under
"Salary Expected," a woman wrote "Friday."
-<>-
The highlight of our zoo trip was a peacock showing off
its plumage. My four-year-old son was particularly taken
with it. That evening, he couldn't wait to tell his father:
"Dad, guess what! I saw a Christmas tree come out of a
chicken!"
-<>-
Driving in Ohio, we spotted a sign that read, "Wildlife
Refuge." Seeing a dead deer lying in front of it, my
husband shook his head. "He almost made it."
-<>-
,=====,---.
/=====/=====\
|=====|\=====;
_j---j_|=====|
/,-"0"-.\=====|
// | \\====|
||9 o 3|D===|
\\ `. //====|
\`-.6.-'/=====|
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\=====\=====/
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hjw
In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the
difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students
that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not
attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was
worn on your body, it was called a watch.
A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom
clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a
wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and
then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."
-<>-
My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping
trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his
food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked.
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those
white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."
=========================================================
>-->From JokeCentral:
>PUNS BLOOPERS:
solid? or weed?
_________
/\ \ W
/ \ \ WWW
\ \ \ WWW
\ \ \ WWWWW
\ \ \ W WWWWW W
\ \_____,,; WWW WWWWW WWW
\ / ': WWW WWWWW WWW
\/________/ WWW WWW WWW
WWW WWW WWW
WWWWWWW
WWWW | WWWW
|
|
"Marijuana Issue Sent To Joint Committee"
(Toronto Star)
Ad: "Kinney Shoe Stores. We sell only the right shoe."
(Richard Lederer)
Newscaster: "Accident on freeway involves 4 cars, hospitalizes one.
(Kermit Schafer)
Ad: "Use our medicine and you can kiss your hemorrhoids goodbye."
(Richard Lederer)
"Chicago Checking On Elderly In Heat"
(Boston Globe)
On a Calif. TV station: "Winners in the local art show will be
hung in the art museum for a month following the show."
(MeMail)
Ad: “Admission Free All Day. Half Price After 6:30 PM”
(Orange County Register)
"Wives Kill Most Spouses In Chicago"
(Florida Times Union)
"It is important for pollution inspectors to personally pass
drinking water"
(David Frost)
Want Ad: Piano Would suit beginner with chipped legs.
(Marina)
-<>-
_,_
(;;;)
,__/a /;\
(__ |;|_
'--. \;/;)
@\(,;)'\
(;;) '._
\ / _ '-.
||| | `\ _
|||`-.\ \ (;;)
((;;) (;;).' \\
jgs (((_) (((__) (;)
Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and
immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and
her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with
brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an
imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese'
and 'liver.'"
The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love
cheese and liver."
"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination
or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh,
I hate cheese and liver?"
The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other
sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"
The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says,
"Liver alone! Cheese mine!"
-<>-
A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage,
he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at
them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying
how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred
dollars??? What do you mean $200?!!"
-<>-
/:""| .@@@@@,
|: 66|_ @@@@@@@@,
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|| |#| / | || |~|_|_\ e /_|_ .@@@@,
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||_|,| | |_| \ |~~~~~~~~~| = `@@@
\)))|| | ((( | \_________/ )_/`@'
|~~~`-`~~~| `~\~~~~~~| |/ /_\ \| / || @
| | `\ / ()/___\() | || @
|_________| ( || ||~~~~~|| /~|| "`
|_________| | || || || /__W_\
| || | || || || |||
|_||__ __|_|| ||_____|| _|||
jgs (____)) (:;:;)) ||-----|| ((___)
>FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT
"I finished the Oreos."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid
weighs forty pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela
Lee had a baby."
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay like that!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl."
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your own ice cream."
"Got milk?"
Can you think of any fatalities?
-<>-
>Things You Don't Want To Hear At A Tattoo Parlor
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 O's in Bob, right?"
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect."
"Ooooooops!"
-<>-
>SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode
the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants'
restroom doors. (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.) but
every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband, Dave wandered off in search of the men's
room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One
labelled "Bronco", and the other was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled he stopped a restaurant employee passing by,
"Excuse me: I need to use the restroom" Dave said. Gesturing
towards the doors, he asked "Which one should I use?
"Actually, we would prefer you to go down there," the employee
said pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men". "Bronco an
Cactus are our private dining rooms."
-<>-
_
/ }
/'.\
_/ ) (`-
( ,)
|/
/|
' ` Elb
>A Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that
occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally
becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the
groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned
everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go
through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to
hold your hand and say "focus...breathe....push...."
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance
designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy
at a convenience store to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M&M's.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two
minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down
a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you
spend half an hour writing, then forget to take
with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who
is able to create a style you will never be
able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to
a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon.
Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb
meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Pregnant (preg*nant) a. -- He says 'we are' meaning
'we're having a baby' while you go through all the
motions of having a baby growing inside of you.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when
you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a
card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. --
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will
not come off if you try to remove it.
-<>-
>The Bully
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this
great big dude comes in and --WHACK!! -- He knocks
him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate
chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on
the stool and starts drinking again when all of a
sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN
and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he
leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes
back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his
stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar
from Sears."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Geniann :)
_*_ ....iiooiioo
__/_|_\__
[(o)_R_(o)] fe
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly,
dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
_A
.'`"`'.
/ , , \
| <\^/> |
| < (_) >|
/====\
(.--._ _.--.)
|\ -`\- /|
|(_.- >-.)|
\__.-'^'._/
|\ . /
_.'\ '----'|'-.
_.-' O ;-.__.' \O `o.
/o \ \/-.-\/| \
jgs| ;, '.|\| /
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
---
...LMAO! A good one! Thanks Geniann!
-<>-
>SEENAGER
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a
teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I
get an allowance (pensions). I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into
bars. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne. Life is great.
---
...Teehee! Thanks Geniann!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend PatDeE :)
GOOD NEWS... BAD NEWS!
/
Rats! My server is down again. /
\ `, /
___ # _____________
|/ ? | '\\\\\\
| ^ \ | ' ____|_
/_ /\ \_____ | '||::::::
/ \_/ '\ | '||_____|
/ < ______ _> \'________|_____|
----/___/ ,___/___.___/____|___\___
|\/_____ | _ ' <<<:|
/::::::::\ |_________'___o_o| b'ger
'=========='
>Good News - Bad News...
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good
news and, I have some bad news…”;
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news
first?”;
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000. in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.”;
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed!
You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”;
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary. "
---
...HaHA! Thanks PatDeE!
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Eagle Rescue!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eaglerescue.html
Giraffe Manor!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giraffemanor.html
Elephant Hotel!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elhotel.html
Awww Animals 8!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals8.html
Lion Cub Rescue!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lionrescue.html
Elephant Rescue 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elephant2.html
Mouse Vs Leopard!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mouse.html
Margaret The Giraffe!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giraffe.html
Newsworthy Animals 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newsanimals3.html
Tierpark Leopard Cubs!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopardcubs.html
Cute Australian Wildlife!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/australiaanimals.html
Wild Kisses And Snuggles!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildkisses.html
Thoughts Into Action 6!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/action6.html
Cockatoo Story!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cockatoos.html
Extreme Pumpkins 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pumpkin2.html
Bucket List!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bucketlist.html
Creative Bathroom Signs!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/toiletsigns.html
Attitude Is Everything 3!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/attitude3.html
Sweet Wooden Car!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodcar.html
Life's Little Oops 8!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops8.html
-<>-
ALL Funny Trunk Monkey Videos!
https://www.suburbanautogroup.com/trunk-monkey-videos/
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
David Blaine absolutely amazes Margot Robbie by reading her mind.
His comment: 'Margot Robbie is magic - I'm just doing basic tricks.'
https://youtu.be/f94wKh70cOY
Yellow-billed ducklings are fortunate, because their mother is a
very clever actress.
https://youtu.be/wP6bmogGoCg
This Is Your Internet:
See what happens to a hamburger and French fries from McDonald’s
when they are left in your closet for over twenty years and more
cool and interesting videos. The technology used to control the
shakes from Parkinson’s Disease is awesome. I hope you enjoyed
today’s edition of your Daily Dose Of Internet and perhaps learned
something new.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DogejLMjjU
This Is Your Internet:
See lightning strike a tree on a partially cloudy day in Florida when
it wasn’t raining and more cool and interesting videos. Most people
think it has to be raining for lightning to strike but it can happen
miles away from an actual storm. I hope you enjoyed today’s edition
of your Daily Dose Of Internet and perhaps learned something new.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vpk6TasZMBU
---
...Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
Revisiting...
>From Our Friend Geniann :)
A Typical Ride on a New York Subway…
https://www.youtube.com/embed/47e3vjA_4uc?feature=player_embedded
---
...What a riot! Thanks Geniann!
All Gods creatures got a place in the Choir
https://www.youtube.com/embed/-iP27eatYxE
---
...YeeeeHaaa! Great fun! Thanks Geniann!
Love this one too...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBW4bZTRE4M&feature=youtu.be
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseA :)
When Jamie Raven walked up on stage, the judges seemed skeptical, but
once he started showing them his magic tricks, they couldn't believe
their eyes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=f0m9QtYWTIE
---
...Awesome! Thanks LouiseA!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Melody :)
Old school talent. [VIDEO]
http://www.wimp.com/oldschool/
6 Ways To Pack A Better Lunch - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP6fPcyQf0
---
...Good ones! Thanks Melody!
==========================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Fantasy Football began tonight. It's a fun way for people
who are bad at real sports to realize that they're also
bad at imaginary sports." -Jimmy Fallon
"Thousands of bugs have been stolen from the Philadelphia
Insectarium. Thieves made off with more than 7,000 bugs,
including millipedes, rhinoceros roaches and venomous
spiders valued at more than $40,000. I get why people
steal, but what's the plan after a theft like this? You
walk around the street going, 'Wanna buy some bugs?'"
-Jimmy Kimmel
"According to another study, chocolate chip cookie addiction
shares many similarities with cocaine addiction. Researchers
say sugar can give you some of the same cravings that
cocaine can give. And I say, it is actually worse for you.
Like, believe me, try getting an entire chocolate chip
cookie up your nose." -James Corden
"Labor Day is over, so, get out your fall clothes, and
then just put them away because it's 100 degrees outside."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Here's a fun statistic. They did a study. The germiest
place at the airport, the place with the highest levels
of virus bacteria, are those plastic security tubs at
the TSA. Which is kind of surprising. I mean, who would
have ever guessed that the tubs where a million sweaty
travelers throw their shoes every day would be full of
germs?" -Jimmy Kimmel
"Florida police are searching for a person who accidentally
donated a duffel bag to a thrift shop that contained almost
five pounds of marijuana. 'This smells like weed,' said
customers about EVERY THRIFT STORE ITEM EVER." -Seth Meyers
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
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http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
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NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
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Home Recipes
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