Are His Lights On? & More ... :) Shangy! >-->From The FunnyBone: Ten Commandments For The Gentleman Cat by May Sarton 1. A Gentleman Cat always has an immaculate shirtfront and paws at all times. _ ,-. <`-.__.-',> \/\ 2. A Gentleman Cat allows no constraint ) ( ) | of his person, even loving _/ ^4^ _\ / ; restraint. =\_ -'- _=/__.-~~-./ / `;---` / 3. A Gentleman Cat does not mew except __| | \ in extremity. He makes his .~` \ | , \ ; wishes known and waits. (_,~'` `.\ |__..~'. | | ; ) | `) 7 4. When addressed, a Gentleman Cat _/ / (_.' / / does not move a muscle. He jgs (__,' (_.' looks as if he hadn't heard. 5. When frightened, a Gentleman Cat looks bored. 6. A Gentleman Cat takes no interest in other people's affairs, unless he is directly concerned. _ .-, <,`-.__.-'> 7. A Gentleman Cat approaches food / | ) ( slowly, however hungry he may | ; /_ ^4^ \_ be and decides at least three \ \.-~~-.__\=_ -'- _/= feet away whether it is Good, \ `---;` Fair, Passable, or Unworthy. / | |__ If Unworthy, he pretends to ; / , | / `~. scratch earth over it. | .'~..__| /.' `'~,_) T (` | ( ; | 8. A Gentleman Cat gives thanks \ \ '._) \ \_ for a Worthy meal by licking jgs '._) ',__) the plate so clean that a person might think it had been washed. 9. A Gentleman Cat is never hasty when choosing a housekeeper. There is no tenth Commandment. ======================================================================= >-->If you haven't already, Be sure to see last weeks new fun pages :) -=[ Understanding the Technology ]=- _ .----------/ |<=== floppy disk / | | / /| | _________ / / | | | .-----. | /___________/ /| | |=| |-| [____________]/ | | |~|_____|~| | ___ | | | '-| |-' | / _) | | | |.....| function ======>|.' | | | | |<=== application key | | | | input |.....| software | | | | `--._| main =>| | | | | de-bugging || storage | | | ;______|_________________ tool ====>|| | | |.' ____\|/_______________ `. || | | /| (______________________) )<== user || |____________|/ \___________________________/ interface|| '--||----: `'''''.__ | || || jgs `""";"""-.'-._ <== normal flow | central || || | `-. `'._of operation /<== processing|| || | `\ '-. / unit || surge ().-. | | : /` || control ==>(_((X)) | .-. : <======= output || device '-' \ | \ ; /_________ .-''-. `\ \|/ '-..-' | /_\ /| /______\ /`-.____ | / / [____] / _ /_____________| _ / /_ peripherals ==>/_\___________________/_\__/ /~ )__ (hardware) |____________________________|/ ~ ) |\\\ ///| (__~ ~ ~(~~` | \\V// | overflow (input/output error) ===> (_~_ ~ ~_ `) | |~| | _________ `--~-' '` | |=| | _|`---------`| supplemental data ===>| | | | (C| |<=== back-up (()____ | | | | `\ / (' `\______, \ |=| / `=========` mouse ==> `,,---,,' \|_|/ Tech Horror Stories! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/tech.html Click Here Micro Folk Art! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/microart.html Click Here Awesome Bridge! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/awesomebridge.html Click Here ====================================================================== +------------- Bizarre Accidental Discoveries -------------+ 1. LSD Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann was trying to come up with a chemical to induce childbirth. Instead he developed lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD. After he tried a bigger dose, he made another discovery: a bad acid trip. 2. X-ray Several 19th-century scientists played around with the penetrating rays emitted when electrons struck a metal target. But the x-ray wasn't discovered until 1895, when Wilhelm Röntgen tried sticking various objects in front of the radiation - and saw the bones of his hand projected on a wall. 3. Penicillin Scottish scientist Alexander Fleming was researching the flu in 1928 when he noticed that a blue-green mold had infected one of his petri dishes - and killed the staphylococcus bacteria growing in it. 4. Microwave ovens ________________ |.-----------. | || _____ |ooo| |8 | | |ooo| || | | 7| = | |8 '-----' | _ | jgs ||___________|[_]| '----------------' The microwave oven came along in the 1940s. Microwave emit- ters (or magnetrons) were being used to power Allied radar during WWII. It was after a magnetron melted a candy bar in Raytheon engineer Percy Spencer's pocket that the common use for a microwave emitter was realized. 5. Potato chips Chef George Crum concocted the perfect sandwich complement in 1853 when - to spite a customer who complained that his fries were cut too thick - he sliced a potato paper-thin and fried it to a crisp. 6. Artificial sweeteners Speaking of botched lab jobs, three leading pseudo-sugars reached human lips only because scientists forgot to wash their hands. Cyclamate (1937) and aspartame (1965) are byproducts of medical research, and saccharin (1879) appear- ed during a project on coal tar derivatives. ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend John-Paul :) _ xxxx _ /_;-.__ / _\ _.-;_\ `-._`'`_/'`.-' `\ /` | / /-.( \_._\ \ \`; > |/ / // |// jgs \(\ `` Don`t Cry Little Soul Don`t cry little Soul, Though You`ve Gone Astray, "Jesus" Has Come, To Show You The Way. He Gave Up His Life, On This Earth`s Old Sod, To Make You A Way, To The Very Portals of `GOD` Yes, "I Am The Door", His Mighty Words Proclaim, "Out Of Me Flows Living Water, >From My `Father`s` Domain". On The `CROSS` He Willingly Gave, All He Possibly Could Give, Took On OUR Sins, There, On `GOLGOTHA`S` old dirty Hill. Ah, but Death Could Not Hold `Him`, No Stake, No Chains, Nor Stone, Three Days In The Grave, Then He `AROSE`!, Reclaiming His `Mighty Thrown`. So, all though Your Little Body Is Broken, And Your Eyes are Grow Dim, He`ll be Your Guiding Light, Just take His Hand, and Trust Him. A Beautiful Mansion His Offer, No More Tears, Nor Pain, And Be Able To Run And Play, Like A Child, Once Again. So, Don`t Cry Little `Soul`, You`ll Soon Be Free, All The Wonders Of Heaven, And `FATHER GOD`, You Shall See. Even Come, Now ,`LORD JESUS`, With Loving Hope -- We Pray, Let our `Souls` Mount Up With Wings Like `Eagles`, Then We All-- just `Fly Away´~ __ "AMEN!"__ Always~~John-Paul -<>- ~LOVES`S SONG~ To truly Love some one is to; Learn the `Song` that is in their `Heart`, And to sing it to them, When they have forgotten the `Words`. So when it seems as though Your `World` is crashing down around you, And the `Valleys` are too `Deep` to go on, Just stop for a quite moment, And listen to the `Song`, GOD is singing to `Your Heart`. Oh, please, remember; There was never a Night with out a Day, Nor `Evening with out a `Morning`. The `Darkest` hour, as the proverb goes, Is the `Hour before the `Dawning`. -<>- Q: What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? A: Psalms 117 Q: What is the longest chapter in the Bible? A: Psalms 119 Q: Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? A: Psalms 118 Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118 Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118 Add these numbers up and you get 1188 Q: What is the center verse in the Bible? A: Psalms 118:8 Q: Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives? The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, Just send them to the center of His Word! Psalms 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man." Now isn't that odd how this worked out? (or was God in the center of it all the time)? mmmmmm ~The~Love~Of~JESUS~IN~My~Heart~ Always~~~~~~~~~John-Paul --- ...Very Nice! Thank you John-Paul =========================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From Christian Coalition of America: ______.--------. /' \ /'\ \ ..-'\()'\ .'''. ./' | .' / \..} '\. / { /' '\ \ {------' .' '. '| \ . | \ | '\_____/ | | | / | | | .' | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ | "Do-nothing" 110th Congress -- with one of Lowest Approval Ratings in American History (29% Gallup Poll Approval Rating) -- Attempts to Get Rid of $50 Million in Abstinence Funding Supported by 80% of American Parents/Democrats vote over 30 times on anti-Iraq War Legislation and Still Have Not Funded the American Troops -- Over 100 Days After President Bush's Request for American Troop Support In the House of Representatives, Democrats are about ready to defund the Title V Abstinence Education program in a House Energy & Commerce Committee markup. The abstinence education program will expire on June 30, 2007 and radical pro-abortion groups are forcing the majority party to defund the program entirely. On the other hand, President George W. Bush wants to increase the current funding for abstinence education of $50 million by $28 million. Christian Coalition of America recently joined a number of groups in sending a letter to Members of Congress requesting that they fund the successful abstinence education program. Excerpts from the letter: "...Unfortunately, opponents of abstinence education are mounting a strong counter-offensive against the abstinence message. They plan to redefine the funding criteria to ensure that the abstinence message to kids is subverted with information about how to engage in so-called "safe sex." This would send youth, who are trying to navigate through an increasingly sexualized culture, a confusing mixed message. Just as needle-exchange messages undermine anti-drug campaigns, so forcing educators to promote contraception while talking about abstinence sends our youth the wrong message. Ninety-one percent of teens and 93% of adults think teens should be given a strong abstinence message at least until they are out of high school. The President’s Budget proposal requests an increase of $28 million for Community Based Abstinence Education (CBAE) grant program over FY2007 levels. CBAE funds provide support to public and private entities for the implementation of abstinence education for youth between the ages of 12 to 18 in communities nationwide. This stride is a huge success and provides foundational support needed to continue the decrease of sexual activity among American teenagers...." The liberal 110th Congress is spending a great deal of time passing bills for huge tax increases on the American families and on American small businesses. Even though this 110th Congress has a record low disapproval rating of 29%, they continue to vote for anti-war resolutions (over 30 times so far.) The Director of the Office of Management and Budget, Rob Portman said: “The new Democratic majorities are standing by their misguided plans for tax hikes and big spending increases. Tax and spend is no way to balance the budget. It jeopardizes continued economic growth and job creation. And it means that taxpayers will be sending more of their hard-earned money to Washington. “In the Budget he submitted earlier this year, the President demonstrated that a balanced budget can be achieved without raising taxes. Instead of relying on tax increases, the President’s Budget keeps annual spending under control and addresses our long-term budgetary challenge – the unsustainable growth in entitlement programs like Medicare and Social Security." Mr. Portman went on to say: “The new majority chose to go the other way: raising taxes on families and small businesses, increasing annual spending by more than 9 percent next year alone, and doing nothing to tackle the mounting problem of entitlement spending. In a letter to the Budget Conferees last week, we communicated our strong concerns, and made it clear that in order to ensure fiscal discipline I will recommend the President veto appropriations bills that exceed our request for discretionary spending.” ACTION: Please call your Congressman at 202-225-3121 or you can go to http://www.cc.org/contactcongress.cfm and email them and urge them to insist the Democrat leaders fund the Title V Abstinence Education program. Visit here for all their news: http://www.cc.org/ -<>- >From BizarreNews: ( ) (oo) )\.-----/(O O) # ; / u ( . |} ) Man crushed by flying cow |/ `.;|/; " " " unknown Now here's a headline you don't read very often. A man was killed after his car collided with a large cow, sending the creature flying into the air before it landed on the car rooftop and crushed the driver. Police said the 26-year-old was driving along the Exmouth-Minilya Road near Carnarvon, in Western Australia, when his Ford utility smashed into the cow, which was standing in the middle of the road. "It is believed that the cow had been thrown onto the roof of the car and dented it on the driver's side, crushing the car on impact," WA Police said in a press release. "The car con- tinued to travel down the road, where it appears the animal has fallen off around 50 metres past the point of impact." -- Man shoots self without gun --------------- LUZERNE, N.Y. - A local sheriff says a Luzerne, N.Y., man wounded himself while using household tools to remove bullets from their casings. Warren County Sheriff Larry Cleveland said Damion Mosher shot himself in the stomach while using a vise, hammer and screwdriver to try to remove the .22 caliber bullets from their casings so the empty shells could be sold. Cleveland said the bullet did not have the same velocity as a if it were fired from a gun and sank about a half-inch into Mosher's stomach. _.._..,_,_ ( ) ]~,"-.-~~[ .=])' (; ([ | ]:: ' [ Alleged bank robber stops for beer '=]): .) ([ |:: ' | ~~----~~ Paul Martin Howard ORLANDO, FL - A man accused of robbing a bank in central Florida was arrested this week after following up the alleged heist with a beer at a nearby restaurant. Authorities said after James Taylor robbed the Bank of America branch in east Orange County, the 40-year-old simply changed clothes in a van and went to a nearby pizzeria for a cold one. An uniden- tified bank customer said that he saw Taylor, whom a teller identified as the man who robbed her, apparently change clothes inside the van. Orange County Sheriff's Cmdr. Jeff Stonebreaker said that when officers arrived on scene, Taylor was sitting outside enjoying his cold beer. "Just as cool as can be," he said of Taylor, who was arrested for robbery. -<>- >From CoofeeBreak: ( ) ) _.(--"("""--.._ /, _..-----).._,\ | `'''-----'''` | \ / '. .' jgs '--.....--' Real 'Soup Nazi' makes ice cream foray The New York soup maker parodied in TV's "Seinfeld" sitcom is making a foray into monitoring quality control at a Chicago soup and ice cream shop. Al Yeganeh has contracted with the Cold Stone Creamery of Arizona, which is partnering with Original SoupMan in six other cities that undergo cold winters and hot summers, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. In the sitcom, Yeganeh was portrayed as a near fanatical "soup scientist" who would deny customers lunch for the slightest reason, barking out a trademark "No soup for you!" However, in his role as quality control consultant, Yeganeh will not entertain customers with the line, the report said. Scheduled to open May 24, the Chicago site will offer five of the soups Yaganeh once sold near Times Square -- chicken vegetable, minestrone, turkey chili, seafood bisque and a rotating special, said John Bello, chief executive of Original SoupMan. Survey: Miami worst for road rage A survey commissioned by AutoVantage of Norwalk, Conn., finds Miami is the worst city in the United States for road rage. Behind Miami in the survey -- which involved 2,521 people and was conducted over the phone between Jan. 16 and March 23 -- were New York, Boston, Los Angeles and Washington. The ranking marked the second time for Miami in the top spot and the first year Washington made the top five. The city with the most courteous drives, according to survey respondents, was Portland, Ore., followed by Pittsburgh, Seattle/Tacoma, St. Louis and Dallas/Ft. Worth. "Road rage has unfortunately too often become a way of life, both on and off the track," said AutoVantage spokesperson Liz Allison. "More and more, in cities across America, people are acting out their frustrations with dangerous results. It's bad for professional and everyday drivers alike." =============================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons ___ ,-""___""-. .;""'| |`"":. || | | | | || ||_|_|_|_|_|| // /| make their beds each morning. /__ //| ,-""___""-. //|| .;""'| |`"":. // ||/| | | | || // ||_|_|_|_|_||// ||_________||/ || || '' ctr '' I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. Until that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret... He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag! -<>- __.._ ____...-` \ /``'-.. `~-..`(.-~~~| / `-. : : ,``. .<____/ `:_ ` `..` .` / / \ /:`-. `. `. ,` / \_.'.`.,,: |`._`-.__\_.-``.-' `._ `.,,`-`....-.`~`.'`. c `. HD`-. `,`. ._ ) ``` `--` A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!" replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I win!" --- ...ARGH! -<>- After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!" -<>- Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus? A: He was unlike all the otters. Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room? A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants. -<>- A woman in my office who had recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher CPR course. "Is it hard to learn?" someone asked. "Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years." -<>- A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. "Now what?" -=============================================================== >-->A Classic from our friend Betty J :) >Sad News With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make them smile. -<**>- >The Dash Movie: http://www.simpletruths.com/dash/index.html The Dash --- ...Love this - Thanks Betty! =========================================================== Form Our friend Steve :) Never forget.... _|\ _/|_, ,((\\``-\\\\_ ,(()) `))\ ,(())) ,_ \ ((())' | \ ))))) >.__ \ (((' / `-. .c| hjw / `-`' Be THIS end of a horse ---- ...Great Tip Steve! Thanks! ======================================================================== >-->From TheMouth: + (|) _____.___.|_|. | / \ |===| | / \ | o | |__/__v__\|, ,| | | | | | || || |/| . . . |','| ||| A A A | , | ||| M M M | | wtx --------------------- CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS 1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath. 4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams. ===================================================================== >-->From The Jokester: .=. //"\\ (/6 6\) )\ = /( (_ ) ( _) / `\_/` \ / (_ @ _) \ \ \)___(/ / \/ \/ | | | | |_____| ||| ||| / Y \ `"`"` BLONDES... >Are His Lights On? A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde. "I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde. "Is the cop still following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde. _*_ ....iiooiioo __/_|_\__ [(o)_R_(o)] "Are his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..." -<-->- Diary of A Blonde's Cooking... MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose. -- Top 10 Blonde Inventions 10. The water-proof towel 9. Glow in the dark sunglasses 8. Solar powered flashlights 7. Submarine screen doors 6. A book on how to read 5. Inflatable dart boards 4. A dictionary index 3. Pedal powered wheel chairs 2. Water proof tea bags 1. Zero proof alcohol =================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: _..--""-. .-""--.._ _.-' \ __...----...__ / '-._ .' .:::...,' ',...:::. '. ( .'``'''::; ;::'''``'. ) \ '-) (-' / \ / \ / \ .'.-. .-.'. / \ | \0| |0/ | / | \ | .-==-. | / | \ `/`; ;`\` / '.._ (_ | .-==-. | _) _..' `"`"-`/ `/' '\` \`-"`"` / /`; .==. ;`\ \ .---./_/ \ .==. / \ \ / '. `-.__) | `" | =(`-. '==. ; jgs \ '. `-. / \_:_) `"--.....-' In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. -<>- _.--. .-"`_.--.\ .-.___________ ."_-"` \\ ( 0;------/\"'` ,."=___ =)) \ \ / \ `~` .=`~'~) ( _/ / / \ =`---====""~`\ _/ / \ `-------"` / \ jgs / \ ( ) '._ _.' '----' A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming & ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her & asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down & relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor & demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren & you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard & without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" -<>- Quotes from Phyllis Diller: For me the most embarrassing thing about growing old is when the grandchildren take me to the beach and try to make words out of the veins on my legs. That’s why I still take the pill. I don’t want any more grandchildren. The newlyweds next door were going on a honeymoon cruise and the husband went into a drugstore and bought Dramamine and contraceptives. The dear old druggist took him aside and said, “Son, if it makes you sick, why do you do it?” You know you’re old when your walker has an air bag… and they’ve discontinued your blood type. -<>- __...._ .'` .-`. / //``\\____ / .-. .'\\_.'/ `'. | / \ /'-'` \ | \ / | ;) \ '-' | .' '-.,_ | __..-' _'=,_______'-,\__.-' .=[_______.-'(___( _ -"` / __|__/ )_ / .--. ) FRIENDS - - F O R E V E R / / -\-.-' / \ | ~; ;-' _| | jgs ___.| ` | `'---'`---------' A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." ====================================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller "If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" - Vince Lombardi "A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley "It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City today. It was so nice I saw construction workers giving the Statue of Liberty her annual bikini wax." --Dave Letterman "According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno "Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have 20-year- olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20, that's why." -Craig Ferguson "The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." - Samuel Butler "Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses." - Margaret Millar "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret "Bob Barker is on the show tonight. He was hosting "The Price Is Right" before there was money. Back then, it was called "The Barter System Is Right." 'The retail price of that vegetable is two goats.'" -Craig Ferguson "The presidential campaign is heating up. Earlier today, Sen. Barack Obama was endorsed by the mayor of Newark, N.J. Afterwards, Obama told the Newark mayor, 'Thanks, but do you mind keeping this between us?'" -Conan O'Brien "New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it." -Dave Letterman "Not such a great day for Donald Trump. NBC has canceled 'The Apprentice.' You just know all those NBC executives were fighting over who got to say, 'You're fired.'" -Craig Ferguson While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats. -- Mark Twain The French are true romantics. They feel the only difference between a man of 40 and one of 70 is 30 years’ experience. —Maurice Chevalier, at age 70 >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Wow Baby :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. 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