Best One-Liners And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News ") .--'} _ , ,<{.-'{:} -====;o`\/ } __ (( '--.} \-`\-'----. \_\ \\ __ \ |-..-'` ___\_))_/_/ /\/\ /_/ (( `--` jgs \\ I sure hope you all had a great Groundhog day! Surprise, Surprise. The little guy actually did NOT see his shadow this year! It was too busy snowing around here to let the sun shine! So you know what that means don't you? Yeppers! An early spring! Yippee! Not that he is too reliable. I guess we'll see, huh? -<>- >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This super hot tottie comes from our friend Linda. A fun one to check out! Someone a little while ago ask for the MUDFLAP GIRL apparently it is a symbol of pride for the truckers. .==================================================================. || ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) || |'================================================================'| || || || || || || || || || || || || || .::::. || || .::::::::. || || ::::::::::: || || ':::::::::::.. || || :::::::::::::::' || || ':::::::::::. || || .::::::::::::::' || || .:::::::::::... || || ::::::::::::::'' || || .:::. '::::::::'':::: || || .::::::::. ':::::' ':::: || || .::::':::::::. ::::: '::::. || || .:::::' ':::::::::. ::::: ':::. || || .:::::' ':::::::::.::::: '::. || || .::::'' ':::::::::::::: '::. || || .::'' ':::::::::::: :::... || || ..:::: ':::::::::' .:' '''' || || ..''''':' ':::::.' || || || || || || || || || |'================================================================'| || || || _______ _______ ___ ___ _______ ___ ___ ___ ______ _______ || || | | _ | Y | _ | Y )| | _ \| _ | || || |.| | |. l |. | |. 1___|. 1 / |. |. | |. |___| || || `-|. |-|. _ |. | |. |___|. _ \ |. |. | |. | | || || |: | |: | |: 1 |: 1 |: | \|: |: | |: 1 | || || |::.| |::.|:. |::.. . |::.. . |::.| . |::.|::.| |::.. . | || || `---' `--- ---`-------`-------`--- ---'`---`--- ---`------- || || || '=============================================================LGB==' Big Boy Toys! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bigboytoys.html --- ...I'll take one of each! HaHa! Thanks Linda! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Two Free Tickets To The Show _ mMm _[_]_ A young couple got married and went away on /(")\ (") their honeymoon. After two weeks they came //)^(\\//:\\ back and finally put away all of the presents /(/&@&\\/|~|/ they received from friends and family. Since / /-~`~-\ ||| this was a new home, the process took some `/ \||| time. `----------'-- The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line. "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!" ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ February 4 is Create A Vacuum Day February 5 is Disaster Day February 6 is Lame Duck Day February 7 is Charles Dickens Day February 8 is Kite Flying Day February 9 is Toothache Day February 10 is Umbrella Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: ___ ,-'" "`-. ,'_ `. / / \ ,- \ __ | \_0 --- | / | | | \ \ `--.______,-/ | ___) \ ,--"" ,/ | / _ \ \-_____,- / \__-/ \ | `. ,' \___/ < ´--------' \__/\ | Wny \__// >Anniversary Gift One week before our Anniversary, my wife and I discovered we'd each bought the same gift for each other, The Beatles' Number One CD. My wife suggested I return mine, but I suggested whoever paid the most for theirs should be the one to deal with the return. After she told me how much she had paid $18.99, I said, "Well I paid only $16.99 so I guess you'll have to return yours." "How could you get me such a cheap gift?" she asked indignantly. -<>- >Found in the Attic Mom and the kids had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriterand asked her, "Hey Mom, .what's this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what does it do?" they asked. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool, but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!" -<>- >Intercom Repair My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom. She asked, "Is that okay now?" "Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl." -<>- >Letter Home A college student wrote a letter home: Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late. A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!" -<>- >Lost Luggage I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) ____ /\ __\_ / \/ \___\ \ /___/ /\_/ \ \ / \____\ ___/\ _ / / / \/ \ /_\/____/ \ / \___\ / \_/\ / / / \/___/ \ _ / / \/_| /___/ / \___\ \ /\_/___/ \/___/ [n4biS] >EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A JIGSAW PUZZLE By Jacquie Sewell 1. Don't force a fit--if something is meant to be, it will come together naturally. 2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return. 3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration. 4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece. 5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4). 6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Refer to the Creator's guidebook often. 7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting. 8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun. 9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order. 10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising. 11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones). 12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed. 13. When you finally reach the last piece, don't be sad. Rejoice in the masterpiece you've made and enjoy a well-deserved rest. -<>- >SMILES In the middle of his sermon, the visiting Minster stopped, and called one of the ushers. He pointed to a man in the 5th row. "That man is sound asleep, go and wake him." The usher shook his head and said, "Wake him yourself, you put him to sleep! ------- Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"? "They said, 'Good morning, General.'" ============================================================== >-->From Our Friend KarenF :) _ () () _ / \ ||______________|| / \ /___\ | | /___\ | | ~@@~ | | (_) |_______ _______| (_) ___/_\___ {_______}{_______} ___/_\___ |__~__| %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% |__~__| ___|_____|__%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%__|_____|___ | | %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% | | `=====%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%=====` `=====%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%=====` `=====%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%=====` `=====/||||||||||||||||||||||||||||\=====` `======||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||======` `=======|||||||||||||||||||||||||||lc|=======` `==============================================` `================================================` `==================================================` `==================================================== >Jumping On the Bed - Gotta love women~ A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".. The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old bum?" "Your name never came up," she replied. (Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?) --- ...TeeHee! Thanks KarenF! -<>- >THE OLD PATHS I liked the old paths, when Moms were at home. Dads were at work. Brothers went into the army. And sisters got married BEFORE having children! Crime did not pay; Hard work did; And people knew the difference. Moms could cook; Dads would work; Children would behave. Husbands were loving; Wives were supportive; And children were polite. Women wore the jewelry; And Men wore the pants. Women looked like ladies; Men looked like gentlemen; And children looked decent. People loved the truth, And hated a lie. They came to church to get IN, Not to get OUT! Hymns sounded Godly; Sermons sounded helpful; Rejoicing sounded normal; And crying sounded sincere. Cursing was wicked; Drugs were for illness; And divorce was unthinkable. The flag was honored; America was beautiful; And God was welcome! We read the Bible in public; Prayed in school; And preached from house to house. To be called an American was worth dying for; To be called an American was worth living for; To be called a traitor was a shame! I still like the old paths the best! --- ...Yeah, like when Boy Scouts didn't change. Thanks KarenF! -<>- >The Teenage Mobile Users Prayer Our cellphone, who art in everyone's pocket, Hallowed be thy balance. Thy networks come, Thy recharge done, on credit, If not in cash. Give us our daily top-up And forgive us our missed calls as we Forgive those who give missed calls. Bring us not into zero balance, But deliver all our messages, for Time is the tower, the network, the coverage, For ever and ever......Amen --- ...LOL! Considering the time on them these days - Yep! Thanks KarenF! ======================================================== >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) __i |---| |[_]| |:::| |:::| `\ \ \_=_\ jsm >Texting Codes (FOR SENIORS) Now Seniors have their own texting codes: (Young people have theirs.) * ATD - At the Doctor's * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM - Covered by Medicare * CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center * DWI - Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement * LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL - Living on Lipitor * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas * TOT - Texting on Toilet * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!) --- ...Oh My! Thanks Geniann! ============================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: Beachcombing is a relaxing and sometimes rewarding pastime for many. Sometimes you will see them wandering over the sand, frequently with a metal detector, looking for odds and ends, lost coins, jewelry or other valuables. If they are lucky they will make a few bucks with what they find. One British beachcomber found more than he expected, and he didn't use a metal detector to find it - it was his dog. Ken Wilman told British broadcasters that he had been walking along Morecambe beach in northern England when his dog, Madge, discovered a hard, soccer ball-sized piece of smelly rock. "She wouldn't leave it alone. I picked it up and it smelt horrible. I put it back on the beach, but something in the back of my mind told me it might be something unusual." One Google search later and Wilman realized that Madge had found ambergris, a waxy byproduct of sperm whale digestion that has traditionally been used in perfumes, spices, and medicines - and can fetch large sums of money. He said he immediately drove back to the beach to find the ambergris. He said he has been offered $68,000 for the musky material. That's right, $68,000 for whale vomit. Callum Roberts, a professor of marine conservation at the University of York, said the find appeared legitimate. "It's a waxy, yellow-gray piece of flotsam. I'm sure that 95 percent of people would walk past it without further thought," he said. Wilman had a slightly different take on his find, "If your dog pays an interest in something, YOU pay an interest in something," he said. "Because you never know. There's gold out there on that beach - floating gold." The same cannot be said for dead birds. *-- Man charged in avocado assault --* NEW YORK - The New York Police Department said a man was arrested for allegedly throwing an avocado that hit a grocery store worker in the face. Police said Joe Testa, 45, brought the avocados to the Stop & Shop supermarket in Brooklyn's Sheepshead Bay neighborhood around 3 p.m. Tuesday and argued with a 24-year-old woman who works at the store, the New York Daily News reported Thursday. Testa allegedly threw one of the fruits at the woman, striking her in the face. She was treated for bruising and released from Lutheran Medical Center. Testa was charged with misdemeanor assault. Police did not say why he brought the avocados to the store. *-- Court orders boy, 12, to get a job --* EASTHAMPTON, Mass. - A Massachusetts appeals court upheld a judge's order for a 12-year-old tagger to get a job so he can pay $1,000 restitution to his victim. The boy, who was 11 at the time of the crime, had been ordered to pay restitution to his Easthampton neighbors in exchange for having charges of juvenile delinquency put on hold for one year, and Juvenile Court Judge James Collins extended the probation for four years and ordered the youth -- identified under the pseudonym "Avram" in court papers -- to get a job when he failed to pay the damages within the allotted year, the Boston Globe reported Thursday. Attorney Craig Bartolomei filed an appeal on behalf of the boy, but the ruling was upheld Wednesday by the Massachusetts Appeals Court. "The state itself limits what they [12-year- olds] can do," Bartolomei said. "They can be actors, with a permit. They can work a farm, and they can basically deliver newspapers. But kids don't deliver newspapers anymore." However, the court offered some employment suggestions for Avram. The boy can "earn money by obtaining a paper route, mowing lawns, raking leaves, shoveling snow, baby-sitting, delivering groceries or by recycling items upon which a deposit had been paid," Judge William Meade wrote in the three-judge panel's decision. *-- Funeral procession stops at Burger King --* WEST YORK, Pa. - Family members of a Pennsylvania man who loved Burger King said they took his funeral procession through the drive-through. Linda Phiel, one of the three daughters of West York man David Kime Jr., who died at the age of 88 Jan. 20, said her father enjoyed fast food daily, so the family took his funeral procession through the Burger King drive-through Saturday for one last Whopper Jr., the York Daily Record reported Monday. "He always lived by his own rules," Phiel said. "His version of eating healthy was the lettuce on the Whopper Jr." Margaret Hess, head manager of the Manchester Township Burger King, said the funeral procession ordered 40 of the sandwiches. "They also wanted one for the deceased," Hess said. Phiel said she placed Kime's final the Whopper Jr. atop her father's casket before it was buried. *-- Women drive away robber with 'Jesus' --* LAKE CITY, Fla. - Florida police said an armed robber who interrupted a jewelry party left empty-handed when the homeowner started a chant of "Jesus." Jacquie Hagler of Lake City said she was hosting a group of 14 women at her house Friday for a jewelry party when the gunman, who had a bandana across his face, entered the home and ordered the women to hand over their money and phones, WJXT-TV, Jacksonville, Fla., reported Monday. Police said one woman believed the incident to be a gag and said the weapon was a "water gun," leading the robber to put the gun to her head and threaten to "shoot someone." Hagler said she decided her faith was the answer. "When I realized what was going on, I stood up and said, 'In the name of Jesus, get out of my house now.' And he said, 'I'm going to shoot someone.' And I said it again, real boldly," Hagler said. "Everybody started chanting, 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,' and he did a quick scan of the room, and ran out the door as fast as he could go." Police said they arrested Derek Lee, 24, on suspicion of home invasion robbery. He was being held in lieu of $200,000 bond. Investigators said they are investigating whether Lee was also involved in an attempted robbery at a nearby ATM moments prior to the incident at Hagler's home. ========================================================= >-->Tips From Our Friend Bunni :) _________ __ .-`~ ~-. / Captain!! ` ' o' The alien vessel : . <|> tries to establish ' . | contact... . `. - Captain?! . ~-..__ ___ _ - O o . . .,., _zz____ (((((()) zz ZZ| | ((('_ _`) ' | Beep! | Z ((G \ |) |_ ____| (((` ~ , |/ .((\.:~: .----------- __.| `"'.__ | \ .~~ `---' ~. | . / ` | `-.____ | ~ | : | | : | _ | \ ~~-. | , `_ ( \) _____/~~~~ `--___ | ~`-) ) `-. `--- ( | '///` | `-. | | | | `-. | | | | `-. | | |\ | | | | \| `-. | | | `-| ' - a:f - >Sleep Deprivation May Harm Health Not sleeping enough and not sleeping well is not OK. As a matter of fact, there is quite a price to pay. It may surprise you to learn that sleep deprivation, for whatever reason, significantly affects your health, performance, safety, and pocketbook. There are many causes of sleep deprivation. The stresses of daily life may intrude upon our ability to sleep well, or perhaps we trade sleep for more work or play. We may have medical or mental-health conditions that disrupt our sleep, and be well aware that we are sleep-deprived. However, it is critically important to realize that sleep deprivation is very often due to unrecognized sleep disorders. After a typical night's sleep, you may not feel restored and refreshed and be sleepy during the day, but be totally unaware that you are sleep-deprived or have a sleep disorder. You might think, "It's just the stress of work or the kids," or you might have "always felt this way" and had no idea that you should feel differently. This lack of awareness compounds the consequences, because so many people remain undiagnosed for years. That said, let's look at the consequences of sleep deprivation. >In the short term: Decreased Performance and Alertness: Sleep deprivation induces significant reductions in performance and alertness. Reducing your nighttime sleep by as little as one and a half hours for just one night could result in a reduction of daytime alertness by as much as 32%. Memory and Cognitive Impairment: Decreased alertness and excessive daytime sleepiness impair your memory and your cognitive ability -- your ability to think and process information. Stress Relationships: Disruption of a bed partner's sleep due to a sleep disorder may cause significant problems for the relationship (for example, separate bedrooms, conflicts, moodiness, etc.). Poor Quality of Life: You might, for example, be unable to participate in certain activities that require sustained attention, like going to the movies, seeing your child in a school play, or watching a favorite TV show. Occupational Injury: Excessive sleepiness also contributes to a greater than twofold higher risk of sustaining an occupational injury. Automobile Injury: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) estimates conservatively that each year drowsy driving is responsible for at least 100,000 automobile crashes, 71,000 injuries, and 1,550 fatalities. The good news for many of the disorders that cause sleep deprivation is that after risk assessment, education, and treatment, memory and cognitive deficits improve and the number of injuries decreases. In the long term, the clinical consequences of untreated sleep disorders are large indeed. They are associated with numerous, serious medical illnesses, including: High blood pressure Heart attack Heart failure Stroke Obesity Psychiatric problems, including depression and other mood disorders Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) Mental impairment Fetal and childhood growth retardation Injury from accidents Disruption of bed partner's sleep quality Poor quality of life --- ...In other words Get your proper sleep! Thanks Bunni! ===================================================== >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) _________ / \ / _ _ _ \ |/ \ / \ / \| \ | _ | / o `(_}' o \/.X.\/ |_| // \\ \\ // U U nmf "A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again." --- ...HaHa! Thanks PatDeE! ===================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw An older man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February." -<>- An elderly patient paid me a wonderful compliment. "You're beautiful," she said. I must have looked skeptical because she was quick to assure me that she was sincere. "It's just that I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks," I explained. She smiled understandingly. "That's because you're fat. But it doesn't mean you aren't pretty." -<>- Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years." -<>- The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand. "And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?" "Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him." "And, when was that?" "When he asked for the second cup." -<>- _ )_ `. )_ `. \ )_ `. `| )_ `.` / )_ `-.` | )_ `-.` ` \ )_.- ` ` \ )_.-` ` \ )_.-`\ /\ \ )_.-| \O \ | \ \ _ / / \ _ ) `-._ / /O\ /O\ \ _.-` ( ) `-/ `-' `-' \-` ( ) _.-| __ |-._ ( )_.-` \ .-' `-._ / `-._( LGB \ `-.__.--`/ `-._ _.-" `` Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.' Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.' Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?' Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.' Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.' Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?' -<>- Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained. "What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked. "If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle." -<>- For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender- scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What's this?" he asked. "Guess," I said coyly. "I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster's cage." -<>- In honor of Memorial Day, the teacher I worked with read the Constitution to her third-grade class. After reading "We the people," she paused to ask the children what they thought that meant. One boy raised his hand and asked, "Is that like 'We da bomb?'" ========================================================= >-->From TheJokester: .===. _ _ / _/\ \ / )%.===.%( \ \/6.6\/ | // ,,, \\ | ( _ ) \/ \/6.6\/ \/ .===. _)---(_ /\ ( _ ) /\ / ,,, \ / `~` \ ^^ /()-()\ ^^ ( /6.6\ ) /\/ \/\ / /o o\ \ )( _ )( \ | | / (._\ Y /_.) (_/;---;\_) \|_____|/ (O_`&`_O) / `"*"` \ | L | / / \ \ ( (_.@._) ) |__|__| / ()/^\() \ /'._\|/_.'\ | | | /. . . . . . .\ /. . . . . .\ |_|_| `"`"`|`|`|`"`"` `"`"|"|"|"`"` jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) >Lyrics Misinterpreted by Kids... God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb! Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee! Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast. We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese. Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear. He carrots for you. Yield Not to Penn Station. Dust Around the Throne. Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names. While shepherds washed their socks by night. He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove. <><><><><> >Lyrics Misinterpreted by Adults... For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there's good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences. ** Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash" Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Beatles - "I Get by with a Little Help from Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" -<>- ///"\ |6 6| \ - / .@@@. __) (__ @6 6@/ \./ \ @ = @ : : : \ _) (_'| : |) ) /' \./ '\ : |_/ / /\ _ /\ \=o==|) \ \ ) (/ /%|%%' '7/ \7%%|%%' | |`%%|%%' | |`%%|%%' | | %%|%% |_.._| /_|_\ pjb >First Date Lessons It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief. He went on, "What do you think about me?" <><><><><> .-=-. ////"\\ .=. ( 6 6 ) //"\\ \ - / (/6 6\) _.) (._ )\ = /(-` `:` `\ _(_ ) ( _)-| : |\ \ (_/ `\_/` \ | : |/ / / (_ @ _) \\_ : _/ / \ \)___(/ / |===|_) \/`"""`\/ | L | | | | | | | | | | | |_____| | | | ||| | | | ||| | | | ||| |_|_| jgs / Y \ / T \ `"`"` `"`"` >Questions NOT to Ask Your First Date "What size bra you got there?" "The voices in my head want to know if you're trying to kill us?" "More prune juice, my sweet?" "Would you mind if we skipped supper and just pigged out on popcorn at the theatre?" "So... does the sight of blood scare you?" "Do you mind if I floss?" "Well, now that you know all about my maggot farm, do you collect anything?" "Would you mind if I pinched that zit of yours that's distracting me?" "Did you make that dress from an old set of curtains?" "Are we gonna kiss later on? Because I've been practicing with my dog and I think I'm getting pretty good." -<>- -=[ Rover Dangerfield ]=- 9/00 ____ .-" _ "-. / _ \ /`| | `\ |\ /\o/ \_o/ |;\ __ _ .-"""-. \;;\ \ `-'/ ;-._.-' , |;;;\ '--. |_ \ \ _.--'| |;;;;| | '. \ \ `-._/ /===;/..-"-. \ '. /`._ __ ___/___(( _ \ \ Y ``-\_/==;===='"`/``---' \ \ \\ \ /` \___/ |\ \ /` | | \ ; / / | | jgs / \ | | .' \_/ | >Some of Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair at the time. ========================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) K9 9-11 Heroes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/k9-11.html REAL Fantasy Trees 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trees2.html Proud Of Our Troops 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/troops5.html Feather Painting 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/feather2.html Amazing Dog Houses 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doghouses2.html Butchart Gardens http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bgardens.html Chinese Wal-Mart http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chinawalmart.html Floating Hotel http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fhotel.html Wild Bear Release http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bearrelease.html -<>- >From Our Friend Brenda :) High-Tech Car Door http://www.flixxy.com/high-tech-car-door.htm --- ...Wow! Very SMART! Thanks Brenda! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) >Comprehension and basic math's. Think Carefully Bill Gates got three? Hard to believe, he must be sharper than that. How Sharp Are You? UNDERSTAND EACH QUESTION PRIOR TO SELECTING YOUR RESPONSE. AND DON'T LAUGH AT BILL GATES AND HIS SCORE OF THREE JUST YET!! This one is fun!! Think carefully. You are going to hate yourself over this. It scores automatically, too. Take this advice.... think before you answer. Click here: How Smart Are You? http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm Bear surprises Samsung crew on washing machine shoot https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o --- ...Wow! Pretty Cool! LOL! Thanks! Louise! -<>- >From Our Friend Bunni :) Dead Horse Point State Park is perhaps Utah's most spectacular state park. Dead Horse Point is a promontory of stone surrounded by steep cliffs near Moab, Utah. The overlook at Dead Horse Point is 6,000 feet above sea level. Two thousand feet below, the Colorado River winds its way from the continental divide in Colorado to the Gulf of California, a distance of 1,400 miles. From the overlook, canyon erosion may be viewed on a grand scale. This erosion process has taken approximately 150 million years. Much of it is caused by the river slicing down into the earth's crust as land is forced upward. These powerful forces are still sculpting the fantastic shapes of the precipitous bluffs and towering spires. Before the turn of the century, mustang herds ran wild on the mesas near Dead Horse Point. The unique promontory provided a natural corral into which the horses were driven by cowboys. The only escape was through a narrow, 30-yard neck of land controlled by fencing. Mustangs were then roped and broken, with the better ones being kept for personal use or sold to eastern markets. Unwanted culls of "broomtails" were left behind to find their way off the Point. According to one legend, a band of broomtails was left corralled on the Point. The gate was supposedly left open so the horses could return to the open range. For some unknown reason, the mustangs remained on the Point. There they died of thirst within sight of the Colorado River, 2,000 feet below. http://www.utah.com/stateparks/dead_horse.htm --- ...Beautiful! Thanks Bunni! ========================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "A new report suggests that Christopher Columbus may have secretly been Jewish. What tipped historians off was Columbus' diary entry where he described his journey to America as 'a real schlep.'" -Conan O'Brien "If women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal. Especially if you mention it to her." -Jay Leno "A lot of people say they use Facebook to reconnect with old friends. No thanks. If I'm not friends with you any- more, there's probably a reason. And that reason is I owe you money." -Craig Ferguson "Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash." -Craig Ferguson "A new study found that our happiness peaks in our late 80s. Mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then." -Jimmy Fallon "NASA says the odds that the asteroids will hit us are slim. They are somewhere between Victoria Beckham and the thinner of the Olsen twins." -Jimmy Kimmel "A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -Jimmy Kimmel "A new study found that 20 percent of Internet time is spent on social networking sites. While the other 80 percent is spent hiding a Facebook window behind Excel." -Jimmy Fallon >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************