Beware Of Toe Suckers And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This hottie is from our friend KarenF. I am forever oooed and awed at the magnificence of our God! This is just another example of his wonderful creation! ___ / _ \\ ,, /=(_)=\\// \ =(_) (O} \_____\\ .--. Jonathon R. Oglesbee /=(_)\\\ .'_\/_'. \____/// '. /\ .' aka JRO ()) "||" || /\ /\ ||//\) (/\\||/ ____________\||/________________________________ Pretty Bugs! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bugs.html --- ...I just love the orchid mantis! Thanks KarenF! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: _, // /)/) (\(\ || / ..\ ).. \ \\.----' ,_Y/ \Y_, '-. \ ( Map of the Cat's Brain ) '. l \_/ | | \/ \ | /`/| // \\ |\_ |_ jgs \_)_)\_)) ((_/(__/_,'. (,----' ` .--------------------+--------------------------+-----------. | Obsession with | Mysterious Adoration of | Barf Gland| | Imaginary Insects | just one spot on the bed | | +-------------+------+--------+-----------------+-----------+ | Search and | Inexorable | Short Circuit | | | Destroy | fear of | that makes purr-| Licking | | lobe for | Vacuum | ing kitty an | Gland | | Expensive | Cleaners | arm-shredding +-----------+ | Imported +---------------+ Maniac in Two | Total | | Textiles, | Can Opener | seconds | drive to | | Ceramics | sonar +-----------------+ be where | +-------------+---------------+ Asthmatic | they are | | Shedding on | * | person locator | forbidden | | vacuumed freshly +----------+-----------------+ to go | | surfaces cortex | Infatuation with people +-----------+ +------------------| who hate cats | Inability | | hatred of dogs +----------------------------| to get | '------------------' | along with| | new cat | * Commitment Spot (gets larger when can-opener '-----------' sonar is activated) (there should be an arrow between licking and barfing) ============================================================ +------------ BIZARRE JULY HOLIDAYS ------------+ July 16 is International Juggling Day July 17 is National Peach Ice Cream Day July 18 is National Ice Cream Day and National Caviar Day July 19 is Flitch Day July 20 is Ugly Truck Contest Day July 21 is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day July 22 is Ratcatcher's Day ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend EdLaF :) _ /_\ .'-'. .' '. '_________' ( ) |.---------.| |: Blinker :| |: Fluid :| |'---------'| (___________)LGB >If My Body Were A Car... This is just too funny - scary how true it is!! **** If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. Most of my moving parts could do with being oiled. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull. It’s difficult to start me, once I’m parked. Sometimes I forget where I am supposed to be going. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are all stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But that's not the worst of it - Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! --- ...LOL! Thanks EdLaF! =================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Linda :) ____ /(( )) ( )6 6( ) (_) l (_) \ <> ) ____) (_____ ( \____/ ) ) ( )( ) ( / / \ / \ \ / / \ / \ \ \ \ )==( / / \ \ / \ / / '\\/ \//' '|\` '|\` \ / \ / ) ( jgs/akg / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ `-...., ,..-' `-..-' >A few thoughts... Now that I'm older.... here's a few things that I've learned: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful.... 5. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful.... 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play checkers? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses.... ....they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter. 19. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful. 20. I can't remember if I've sent you this before. No big deal... you probably don't remember. --- ...It gets harder and harder each day! LOL! Thanks Linda! ================================================================== >-->From Our Friend PeggyT :) _,,,_ .' `'. / ____ \ | .'_ _\/ / ) a a| / ( > | ( ) ._ / ) _/-.__.'`\ ( .-'`-. \__ ) `/ `-./ `. | \ \ \ jgs | \ \ \ \ |\ `. / / \ Today someone asked me if I liked you. I laughed, and put my hand up on my hip and said, "Ha! That's funny!! I LOVE that chick!! She's funny, caring, crazy as heck, sweet, beautiful, she's reading this email right now & I love her!!" Send this to ten ladies you love!! & I better be one!!!! Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!" --- ...LMAO! Still love this! Ditto to all my lady friends! Thanks PeggyT! ============================================================== >-->From our Friend Brenda :) _______________________ =(__ ___ __ _)= | | | | | JACK'S | | WILL | | | | | | | | | | | |__ ___ __ ___|KCK =(_______________________)= >Jack's Last Will and Testament Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament: "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. "To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. "To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. "And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill." --- ...LOL! Good one! Thanks Brenda! =============================================================== >-->From Our Friend Wesley :) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXFEDERAL RESERVE NOTEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXX XX THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA XXX XX XXXX XX ------- ------------ XXXX XX XXXX XX / jJ===-\ \ C7675 XXXX XX XXXXXX OOO / jJ - - L \ --- XXXXXX XXXXX OOOOO | JJ | X | __ XXXXX XXX 3 OOO | JJ --- X | OOOO 3 XXX XXX | J|\ /| | OOOOOO XXX XXX C36799887 | / | | \ | OOOO XXX XXX | | | | -- XXX XXX ------- \ / \ / XXX X XX \ ____________ / X XX XX XXX 3_________ -------- ___ _______ 3 XXX XX XX XXX ___ ONE DOLLAR i XXX XX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX -Songsinger- >Quiz - Who Said This On Prosperity? You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves. Was it Abraham Lincoln? Find out here http://www.snopes.com/quotes/lincoln/prosperity.asp --- ...No matter who said it, Obama needs to take notes! Thanks Wesley! =================================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: [politics] >From TheTeaParty: Obama Birth Story http://tinyurl.com/d3ztbwn Breaking News: LIMBAUGH..'OBAMA HATES THIS COUNTRY'.. http://tinyurl.com/bt2lsy5 Olympic Uniforms: $2,000 and Made in China http://tinyurl.com/d269sgn -<>- >From PatriotUpdate: Remember When Being on the Government Tit Was a Bad Thing? http://tinyurl.com/d7b9c49 -<>- >From GodfatherPolitics: Reasons Why I Carry a Gun http://tinyurl.com/bop4msf -<>- >From PoliticalOutcast: Seattle Chamber of Commerce: Marriage is Bad for Business AND The God Particle and Something from Nothing http://tinyurl.com/cslw26s -<>- >From ConservativeByte: Obama to business owners: 'You didn't build that' http://tinyurl.com/cp8q2rt -<>- >From BizarreNews: ,-. ( \()Oo `-,---. .-. \ | oO()/ ) \ \ ,--- ,-' |_/ | / ,-. / _/ |_/ \_/ ,-. \_/ s-v ~ Beware Of Toe Suckers! ~ The question to ask yourself here is; would you let someone suck your toes for a hundred bucks? That seems like a pretty fair price to me, but apparently it wasn't for one 18-year-old Georgia woman. According to thesmokinggun.com a man posing as a representative of "America's Funniest Home Videos" tricked the girl into allowing him to suck her toe inside a Walmart. Gullible? Maybe, but the poor girl is unemployed. According to the sheriff's report, the teen was shopping when approached by the middle-aged suspect, a 43-year-old registered sex offender whose rap sheet is littered with foot-related crimes. After asking the teen if her toenails were painted, the man said, "I know this sounds crazy, but have you ever heard of America's Funniest Home Videos?" When the woman said she had, the man replied that he would pay for her purchases (of about $100) if she agreed to cooperate with a 'prank.' "I know this is crazy," the suspect said, "but can I kiss your foot?" The victim agreed under the impression it was a TV prank, but when the pervert guided the woman behind a clothing rack and put her big toe in his mouth and began sucking on it, she started screaming. Before bolting from the store the man reportedly said, "Oh, it tasted so good though." The incident has been classified as simple battery involving hands, feet or teeth. *-- Man pleads guilty to tying kids to car --* FORT WAYNE, Ind. - A Fort Wayne, Ind., father pleaded guilty to driving while intoxicated, with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Aaron Stefanski, 29, pleaded guilty Monday to three counts of neglect of a dependent and one charge of operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, The (Fort Wayne) Journal Gazette reported. A storeowner called 911 earlier this year after seeing Stefanski and Jessica Clark secure their kids to the hood of his car using yellow tow straps. The respond- ing officers caught Stefanski driving with his 4- and 5-year-old sons, his 6-year-old daughter and Clark's 7-year-old daughter strapped to the hood. When they stopped him, officers smelled alcohol on his breath. When asked why he strapped the children to the hood, court documents show Stefanski told officers: "I was only going to drive around the corner. I thought they would like it." Stefanski's blood alcohol content was 0.17, more than twice the legal limit. Clark has been charged with neglect of a dependent and her trial date is scheduled for next month. Stefanski's children were released into the custody of their mother. He will have supervised visitation and will be required to attend parenting classes. *-- Surfing goats spotted in California --* SAN DIEGO - California beach-goers were surprised to see two goats riding the waves on a tandem surfboard in San Diego. Goat owner Dana McGregor, from Pismo Beach, met up with tandem surfing duo Mark and Debbie Gale Wednesday to see if his goats, Goatee and Pismo, would get on a surf- board together, The Orange County (Calif.) Register report- ed. "They look pretty happy. Thinking this is going to be a little bit easier than surfing with the wife," Mark Gale said of the challenge. McGregor has been bringing the goats surfing for a while now, but has never put them on the same board. On Wednesday the pair of goats had a few rides together before Goatee, the older one, swam to shore. "Oh my gosh. That was hilarious. I never thought I'd see the day," said surfer Po Carbal, 22. "Goats on a surfboard -- I've seen it all. I think it's probably oone of the oddest and coolest things I've ever seen at the beach." *-- Man dreams up zombie theme park in Detroit --* DETROIT - A Michigan man said he is trying to raise $145,000 to build a zombie apocalypse theme park in Detroit. Marc Siwak, 40, said he is looking to buy or lease abandoned property to host Z World Detroit, a theme park that would be primarily comprised of a paintball-like game where players try to "kill" hoards of actors portray- ing the undead before they are bitten and join the zombie swarms, the Detroit Free Press reported Monday. Siwak said he hopes his plan will help revitalize the struggling city. "I think we have a great opportunity to do something unique. Can't we do something more creative than just walking away from chunks of the city?" he said. Siwak said his online fundraising efforts at www3.indiegogo.com/zworlddetroit will continue until Aug. 10. "Realistically, it needs to attract a local developer," he said. "We're just some people with an idea." However, mayoral spokeswoman Naomi Patton responded negatively to an e-mailed question about whether the city's Planning and Development Department would consider such a project to be a suitable means of land use. "No. And the city has no additional comment on this proposal," Patton said. *-- Neighbors upset over fake testicles --* TONAWANDA, N.Y. - A battle between neighbors in western New York intensified when one woman put a pair of fake testicles in her back yard. Shirley Draper, of Tonawanda, put the fake testicles in her yard in June, The Tonawanda (N.Y.) News reported Thursday. Her neighbor, Peter Diliberto, called the Tonawanda Police Department June 27 to complain about the lawn ornament, but was told the police could not handle the issue, as displaying fake testicles is not considered illegal. In response, Diliberto and his wife took a picture of Draper's fake testicles and made a laminated yard sign that points to Draper's yard. Draper tried to rip the picture out of the Dilibertos' yard July 4, police Lt. Nick Bado said. She wasn't arrested at that time, but will be served criminal summons for fourth-degree criminal mischief and trespassing. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Bunni :) ,(()). ,;;;;. __ ________ _____ ___ ((_ _));'_`'_( _| __ __ __ _| _| _| __ __ () \ /)\ ) / (_|__ _|-_| _(_|(_|(_|__ _|-- ((\ O(() \ O / _____(_|(_|_____________(_|_ SSt >Occupational Hymns Dentist's Hymn..................Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn...............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn...............The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn...............Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn...............There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn...........Standing on the Promises Optometrist's Hymn..............Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn............I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn...............Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn..........Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn..............Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn..............I've Got a Mansion Massage Therapists Hymn........ He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn...............The Great Physician Husband's Hymn..................Oh Why Not Tonight --- ...LOL! Thanks Bunni! ========================================================== >-->Kid Answers _____ .---...-. ,' -. `. ,' _____...' / - _ - \ : .' _ _ \\ : ' _)' : | :-(_).(_):: (_ ;) | | -' || \ _ / ; | _ || `..___..' `-'..____.'`' ;._: _; :_ / \ SSt ,' `' `. SSt More examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests [these absolutely slay me]: 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake- speare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. ============================================================ >-->From CleanLaffs: ,:',:`,:' __||_||_||_||__ ____["""""""""""""""]____ \ " '''''''''''''''''''' | ~~jgs~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^^~~^~^ Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to cele- brating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- it was July 23. -<>- Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision." The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self." -<>- _,- '``'--._ _- __ `. . .,-` `'-,_ `. / ..` ___ `:_ \ . // .:` `:. \\ : | /: // \\ : . | | .: | | ||: | : : | \. \ / ;/ :/ \\ .` `-...-' _- // \\ `:._ _.- // ``:_ ``` _:` `'-.._..-` hazy hot sun cjr 27nov99 I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside, stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was looking at me strangely. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer." -<>- Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing." -<>- The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "Dear, what are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" -<>- __ / _,\ \_\ ,,,, _,_) # /) (= =)D__/ __/ // C/^__)/ _( ___// \_,/ -. '-._/,--' _\\_, / -//. \_ \_/ -,._ _ ) ) \/ / ) / / \-__,/ ( ( ( \.__,-)\_ )\_ / -( b'ger / -(//// //// NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!" At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!" At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..." At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything." -<>- A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." -<>- Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end. At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods." ============================================================= >-->From JokeCentral :) _.-'`'-._ .-' _ '-. `-.__ `\_.-' | `-``\| jgs `-.....-A # # College Lessons... 1.Quarters are like gold. 2.Be creative in the dining hall. 3.Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc. 4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket. 5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night. 6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos. 7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries. 8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.) 9. Showers become less important. 10. Sleep becomes more important. 11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some! 12. Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them..."). 13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizellemaker). 14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new). 15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before. -<>- { } } { { { } } } }{ { { }{ } } ( }{ }{ { ) .-{ } }-. ( ( } { } { } ) |`-.._____..-'| | ;--. | (__) (__ \ | (oo) | ) ) | \/ |/ / | / / -Felix Lee- (Decorative)- | ( / \ y' `-.._____..-' >You know you are addicted to coffee if ... -You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. -You sleep with your eyes open. -You have to watch videos in fast-forward. -The only time you're standing still is duriing an earthquake. -You can take a picture of yourself from tenn feet away without using the timer. -You've worn out your third pair of tennis sshoes this week. -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. -You chew on other people's fingernails. -The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. -You're so jittery that people use your handds to blend their margaritas. -You can type sixty words per minute with yoour feet. -You can jump-start your car without cables.. -You don't sweat, you percolate. -You walk twenty miles on your treadmill beffore you realize it's not plugged in. -You forget to unwrap candy bars before eatiing them. -You've built a miniature city out of littlee plastic stirrers. -People get dizzy just watching you. -Instant coffee takes too long. -You channel surf faster without a remote. -You have a picture of your coffee mug on yoour coffee mug. -You can outlast the Energizer bunny. -You short out motion detectors. -You don't even wait for the water to boil aanymore. -Your nervous twitch registers on the Richteer scale. -You help your dog chase its tail. -You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.. -Your first-aid kit contains two pints of cooffee with an I.V. hookup. -You ski uphill. -You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. -You answer the door before people knock. -You haven't blinked since the last lunar ecclipse. -<>- /) .-"".L,""-. ; :. : ( 7: ) : ; ctr "..-"-.." >Snow White's Apple When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either." -<>- .-._.--._ / / -. | \ |__ ,-'______.-' '( c-(_)(_)__ \ .._ . ) \ / `-' /\-|\_ /-. \ / ( , o)\ | | o)\ c - _/\\ / \ \=====| | //======| | / =====_/ |/\===/=/ )==)=) (==|=| | |=|______ (_.-. ) ) '--''-' [nabis] >I Took Him Back To Wal-Mart My husband and I fought constantly, Why I married him, I'll never know. For all those miserable years I said, My hubby's got to go! Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes, Salting his pork chops with lime Wiring his chair, igniting his hair, Even though arson's a crime. But I failed at each plot 'till I suddenly thought Of a way that would set me free! I got rid of him for good and, know what? They couldn't do a thing to me! I took him back to Wal-Mart! They'll take anything back you know! They said they couldn't recal selling him, But they must have if I said so. They just credited him to my Visa and said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear? They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent, I'll take back his mother next year! They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart, Though it's broken or rotten or sweet. And know what else? This time of year You don't even need a receipt! I LOVE WAL-MART!!! >From Jean Williams (No wonder Jean likes Wal-Mart so much! - J.R.) --- ...LOL! A good one for ID's new series 'Who The 'Bleep' Did I Marry?' -<>- + (|) _____.___.|_|. | / \ |===| | / \ | o | |__/__v__\|, ,| | | | | | || || |/| . . . |','| ||| A A A | , | ||| M M M | | wtx --------------------- >Sermon Sleepers I was pastor of a small church in a rural community. Wilbur and his wife, Leah, attended every Sunday morning. Wilbur was a farmer, and whenever he came into the house from the field and sat down, he would fall asleep. It was such a habit that when he came into church and sat in the pew, he would also fall asleep. I discovered that some of the members of the church were taking bets to see how long I could keep Wilbur awake on Sunday mornings. Wilbur's wife was embarrassed by his behavior, especially when he began to snore. She tried everything to keep her sleepy spouse awake. She complained to him that she was getting calluses on her elbow from poking him in the ribs in a futile attempt to keep him alert. One day, while shopping in the grocery store, she saw a small bottle of Limburger cheese. Leah bought it and dropped it in her purse. The next Sunday morning, I had just started the sermon when Wilbur began to nod. When I finished the first point in my three-point sermon, I could see I was losing him. As I started the third point, Wilbur began to snore. Quietly, Leah opened her purse, took out the bottle of Limburger cheese and held it under her husband's nose. It worked. Wilbur sat up straight and, in a voice that could be heard all over the sanctuary, said, "Leah, will you please keep your feet on your own side of the bed!" Special thanks to the Sermon Fodder contributor who shared this great story by William Webber the Sermon Fodder List (www.sermonfodder.com) . If you have a great preaching story to share with our Sermon Fodder readers please send it along to ktodd@vci.net. Put "Preaching Story" in the subject line. To subscribe to the Sermon Fodder list go to http://www.sermonfodder.com or drop an email note to Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. Please leave this attached if you forward this to friends. -<>- [\ .----' `-----. //^^^^;;^^^^^^`\ _______//_____||_____()_\________ /826 : : ___ `\ |> ____; ; |/\><| ____ _<) {____/ \_________________/ \____} \ '' / \ '' / jgs '--' '--' >THE CAB RIDE Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. "Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness. "It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated". "Oh, you're such a good boy", she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?" "It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly. "Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice". I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long." I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now." We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse. "Nothing," I said. "You have to make a living," she answered. "There are other passengers," I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you". I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT `YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT ~ THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. Pass this on to all your friends. You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send it to ten people. But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on. .0. / \ ; \_/ ; | | | | | | _______; ;_______ `======='\ /`=======` \ / _ | | _ _( \____|=|____/ )_ ( .---. .---. ) `-' / \ '-' / HUG \ ; ; | .---.|__, jgs : / :--' .--\ \ | `" `"".-' < =""` `"== `""""""` =""` `"""===="""` =""` `""==="""` Thank you, my friend.... ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) What Is Love? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wlove1.html Life Is...Continued http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lifeis2.html Akiane Child Prodigy http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/prodigy.html Chalk Art 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart5.html Mystery Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mart.html Real Weed Bust! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/weedbust.html Amazing Bike Car! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bikecar.html Beaches In South Korea! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beaches2.html Chinese Wal-Mart http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chinawalmart.html Extreme US Spas! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/topspas.html Got A Nanosecond 2? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano2.html Humorous Signs! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns.html Kodak Moments! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kmoments.html Wild Bear Farm http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildbearfarm.html -<>- >From Our Friend Johanna :) She sent us one we have here... Woman - Darkest Before Dawn http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/womandbd.html --- ...hard to believe this wasn't all that long ago! Thanks Johanna! -<>- >From Our Friend PatDeE :) He sent us one we have here... Suryria And Roscoe http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/orang2.html --- ...a great heartwarming reminder! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) she sent us one we have here... Elephant Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elephants.html --- ...aww, another great heartwaming reminder! Thanks Linda! -<>- >From Our Friend Bunni :) WakeUp doorbell http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqoGORXAv2o --- ...Oh My! Obamnomics for ya! Thanks Bunni! -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) ripped : save the lars homestead ? http://goo.gl/M8S4O ripped : orda cave http://goo.gl/93D0Q --- ...Pretty neat! Thanks Wesley! =========================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." --Ron Nesen I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling. "My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Wrong.'" --Unknown "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." -Charlie Brown "The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein "Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones." --Mike Barfiel I heard this on the radio this morning... "Burgess Meredith has become a yoga instructor. 'Find yer inner peace, ya bum, or I'll rip it outta ya!'" "Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be." --Ambrose Bierce "I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed." --Bruce Lee. >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chriistian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************