Bird, Bars, Pres, & Eels? -- OH BOY! ... :) Shangy!! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net =========================== >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) Monday, I got up bright and early 4:39 am so I could be ready for hospital arrival at 6:00am for my surgery scheduled at 7:30 am. All went well. I was released the same day. My main trouble was recovering from the pain meds. They made me very loopy and dizzy sick. Took me longer to be able to leave simply because I couldn't stop spinning! But I got rid of a potentially dangerous bad gallbladder that the doctor said could get infected or cancerous down the road. So one does what one must do. Unfortunately, I know what a stabbing victim kind of feels like. I have 4 knife wounds in my belly - incisions as the doctors will say. One a bit larger then the others. So, I cannot sit for 2 to 3 hours at the computer composing my 2 weekly ezine to this group or do up my normal web site 'hot off the press' type pages. Not right away any way. I'm off my pain meds right now as they tend to make me drowsy so I cannot think proper. I want to get these jokes out so I'm roughing it. I will do my best though to continue as I have not missed sending out an issue for over 10 years and don't plan on doing so now. I'll cheat a little though and send out ones I have kept from the past ;) Those of you checking me out on the yearbook.com site may think I am stuck up. You may think I am on-line and ignoring you. Actually unless you get something from me, you can rest assured that I would never ignore my friends on the yearbook. My daughter and son log in there to help me get my daily login lunch money bonus and play the games there as well. So it isn't really me on-line. I've been only able to go on there once or twice a week with all my stomach problems and now with my surgery recovery, I doubt I will be on much at all for the next two weeks. Please bear with me. I will return. -<>- >BUG-A-Booo! Sunday I found out the pages I did up for InspiredBuffalo last year are like some of my other pages - do not display correctly in the IE browser. I fixed the code difference between it and my Netscape Browser but I was unable to upload it to their site for them. I let Nancy know the fixed files were on my site for her to upload and I will let you know when these 3 are fixed - Parent Reflections, Don't Quit and Staying Safe. I also spent some time and updated the Fun URLS page. While doing so, I found out the KID STUFF Links there were not loading so I fixed the code for it. If you had trouble with it before, please refresh your browser, and you'll find it is working correctly again. Visit it here: Updated FUN URLS http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/urls.html -<>- We had a request from http://www.lawofficer.com/ web site Content Specialist, Jasmeen Patel, to add their link to our page here... Amazing Cop Cars http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/copcars.html Law Officer is a highly reputable law enforcement magazine owned and operated by Elsevier Public Safety. They provide law enforcement news, exclusive online feature articles, a buyer’s guide, and special pages dedicated to every facet of the law enforcement community. So I was happy to add their link and hope they will return the favor and link back to our page. ---UPDATE: They thanked me for the Link but said nothing about adding a link back to us so they probably won't. It is OK I guess. A little disappointing but at least I shared theirs to help others. -<>- Our Friend Jo Ann has been sending us many fine recipes so I picked three of them that looked especially easy and yummy and added them to our page here: Easy-Does-It-Home Recipes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/easy.html They are Strawberry Cheesecake PIE, Caramel Corn SNACK, and SOUP - Outback Steakhouse Walkabout Soup. --- ...Thank You bunches Jo Ann! I'll be adding more later ;) -<>- >Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press... This comes from our friend Jo Ann. It left me flabbergasted so I knew I would have to share it as a page for all! Check it out here... AMAZING DOG HOUSES http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doghouses.html --- ...I Loved it! Thank You Jo Ann! -<>- >MORE Links Just for the FUN Of It... Word/Phrase Origins http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/origins.html Dreamy Ladies http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dreamy.html Our Valuable Anchor http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/ouranchor.html Believe In Your Dreams http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/poems/dream.html Lean On Me http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/leanonme.html >From LynnLynn's Links: Melva/Majestic Mountains http://silverandgoldandthee.net/Misc_files/M_M.html The Heart Of A Hero http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/TheHeartOfAHero.html Judy w/ Soups http://frommyheart2u.com/recipes/soups Pumpkin and Apple Farms http://www.chiff.com/a/pick-your-own.htm http://www.pickyourown.org/applepicking.htm Pumpkin Painting http://www.tagyerit.com/pumpkin_painting.htm Area Code Map http://www.nanpa.com/area_code_maps/ac_map_static.html Yearbook http://www.yearbook.com/ Trunk Monkey Chaperone http://www.buffaloschips.com/070203.htm Tuck In Shirt http://www.buffaloschips.com/070204.htm Turkey http://www.buffaloschips.com/7701.htm Turkish Gillette http://www.buffaloschips.com/7702.htm Uncle Jay http://www.buffaloschips.com/7703.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com -<>- >-->From Our Friend Viv :) Finally, a real offer that works. I guess a certain BIG oil company was feeling guilty about price gouging and $30 Billion dollar a year profit margins. Click below to redeem a $50 coupon for free gas from Chevron. Don't wait, this coupon expires 09/20/2008. Free Gas Coupon from Chevron http://clickme.50webs.org/ -<>- Did you know this about 'baby' carrots? VERY IMPORTANT !!!! The 'cute' cocktail carrots that you buy in grocery stores come from deformed crooked big carrots. They are put through a machine to become small cocktail carrots. This part everyone knows. After they are cut to size they are soaked in large vats of water mixed with chlorine to preserve them........ The same chlorine you use for your swimming pools. The reason for this is because they don't have the protection of the skin so they use a good amount of chlorine. Notice that after you have stored them in the fridge for a while ,a white film forms on them.....it's the chlorine coming to the surface. At what cost do we risk our health to have esthetically presentable VEGGIES .....?????? Well Folks...... I think after reading this we will all start making our own carrot sticks out of fresh carrots and keep them in the fridge in water (a few at a time), right? I looked it up on snopes and it's kind of true and kind of false: http://www.snopes.com/food/tainted/carrots.asp There is a difference between baby carrots and baby-cut carrots --- ...Very Intersesting - Thanks Viv! -<>- Noah's Ark.... how cool is this? She sent us a forward of one I have already done up here: JOHAN'S NOAH'S ARK! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/noahsark.html --- ...What a sweet reminder! Thank You Viv! -<>- A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!" -<>- A DIETER'S PRAYER Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol. At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter, For the road to Hell is paved with butter. And cake is cursed and cream is awful And Satan is hiding in every waffle. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop And Lucifer is a lollipop. Teach me the evils of hollandaise, Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise. And crisp fried chicken from the South -- Lord, if You love me, shut my mouth. ~ Author Unknown --- ...TeeHee! Thanks Viv! Though you should ALWAYS keep in mind that God wants us to be happy and I'll tell ya - cake sure is a HAPPY Maker for me! To keep the bad guy away remember God's idea behind everything good this world has to offer - Moderation. Moderation is the key! do not over do and you will see that many pleasures of fine foods can be yours too. Just a little wisdon from me to you! :) -OH Yeah - and the $50.00 gas thingy - Guesss it goes to prove the old saying - if it sounds Too Good To Be True - guess What? -<>- >-->From Our Friend Lorraine :) >143 Days (WAKE UP AMERICA!) You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become distr ict manager after 143 days of experience . You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon. You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience . You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience . You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience . You couldn't get a job as Director of Nursing after 143 days experience as an RN ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!! BUT. ... 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. That's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working. After 143 days of work experience , Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief , Leader of the Free World .... 143 days. We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that' s all it is - a start . And yes that's just UNDER 5 months. And, strangely, a large sector of the American public is okay with this and campainging for him. We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are okay with this for the President of the United States of America? Come on folks , we are not voting for the next American Idol !!!!! Think about it! -<>- Please watch this soldier walk away and read what it says at the end A Soldier's Message to Obama http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=TG4fe9GlWS8 --- ...Wowsers! Thank You Lorraine! I saw this on our Friend Fred's Yearbook page and added it to my yearbook page but didn't have the URL for it for our friends here on the list! You are a blessing! Thank you bunches Lorraine! -<>- >-->From Our Friend Jo Ann :) >Friendship Garden Friends, like flowers, come in all shapes and sizes, They are quick to our side when the need arises. They add variety and interest to our lives, Without them we wonder if we could even survive. They make a cloudy day seem sunny, Sometimes they are serious, other times funny. Our best interest they have at heart, And always are sad when it is time to part! --- ...Sweet!!!!! Thank You Jo Ann!! -<>- >"Don't Go To Bed" I've heard it said don't go to bed while hanging on to sorrow, you may not have the chance to laugh with those you love tomorrow. You may not mean the words you speak when anger takes its toll, you may regret your actions once you've lost your self control. When you've lost your temper and you've said some hurtful things, think about the heartache that your actions sometime bring. You'll never get those moments back, such precious time to waste, and all because of things you said in anger and in haste. So if you're loving someone and your pride has settled in, you may not ever have the chance to say to them again... "I love you and I miss you and although we don't agree, I'll try to see your point of view, please do the same for me." --- ...WHat A sweet one - thanks's Jo Ann! -<>- >Silent Cry I can?t choose to live before I?m born; My life is in your hands. My voice is too weak to cry from the womb To tell you who I am. I could be President; a teacher of truth; A healer with love to give! If you could only hear my silent cry, Then would you let me live? My little heart beats strong and it won?t be long Till these tiny hands reach for love. Will I be embraced with a smiling face? Will I feel a mother?s hug? I could be a reader of books; a writer of songs; A dreamer with dreams to give! If you could only hear my silent cry, Then would you let me live? You say you want the right to choose? What about me? Don?t I have rights too? It?s not too late; no sin is too great For God to forgive! If you could only hear my silent cry, Then would you let me live? ---- ...Pro Life! A woman should have a choice but to kill on unborn when they are so developed up to and including the 9 month old is horrible! I cannot understand how democrats can be for this! Thank You Jo Ann! -<>- >Things Undone... It isn't the thing you do, friend, it's the thing you leave undone, Which gives you the bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun: The tender words unspoken, the letter you did not write, The flowers you might have sent, are your haunting ghosts at night. The stone you might have lifted, out of a dear friend's way, The bit of heartsome counsel you were hurried too much to say: The loving touch of a helping hand, the gentle and winsome tone, That you had no time or thought for, with troubles enough of your own. These little acts of kindness, so easily out of mind, These chances to be angels, which even mortals find. They come in night and silence, each chill reproachful wraith, When hope is faint and flagging, and a blight has dropped on faith. For life is all too short, friend, and sorrow is all to great, To suffer our slow compassion, that tarries until too late. So, it's not the things you do, it's the deeds you leave undone, Which gives you a bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun. --- ...What a sweet reminder Jo Ann! We should ALWAYS do our best - ALWAYS think of the things you do as if you are doing them for Jesus Christ himself. How well will you cook for Jesus? How well will you clean for Jesus? How well will you help others for Jesus? How hard will you work at your daily job for Jesus? ALWAYS Do Your Best For Your God and Father and for your Lord And SAVIOR Jesus Chist! 1 Corinthians, chapter 10 "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." Colossians, chapter 3 "16": Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. "17": And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. -<>- >McCain Or Obama - TAKE THE TEST This is a test to see who you prefer, based on just campaign statements. You might be surprised based on your selections.. . No tricks. ABC has a test at the address below to see whose campaign statements, McCain's or Obama's, you agree with the most. They don't tell you who made the statements, of course, but a statement made by each candidate on the same topic (economy, immigration, judiciary, etc.) will be side by side. You just click on which statement you agree with and, after selecting all 13, you'll find out which candidate's philosophy you support. Click here to take the test: http://tinyurl. com/4kzz32 --- ...Thank You Jo Ann - these ARE the Issues and it is good to know where you stand on them. Not picking a candidate by looks or personality but by what they say will be and their overall qualifications to be able to do what they say is the most important. I went almost totally on the McCain side - maybe a couple I knew was mcCain's and it persuaded me but if with those that I cheated on, I still would of ended up with McCain as my choice. :) -<>- >-->SPeaking of Wisdom - Here is one from Our Friend John-Paul :) Please, I hope I do not anger any of you , my E-mail friends, but I feel that I must step up to the plate, at this time, and support McCain and Mrs. SarahPalin, because of the freshness, and honesty that is projected by Mrs. Sarah Palin. Truly, She will Change things In Washington, and politics--- not just empty-- same old promises we have heard year after year, by politians wanting power. (She easly could be running for the #one Job) On the other hand, I`m worried very much by Barack Obama. (`Barack`--- was the name of the Horse that is told by Islam followers --that took Muhammad to Islams` Heaven) We must remember his Childhood------ Reading the King James Christian Bible I find: Proverbs- 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. `WELL`? Think about it: This man`s Communist Ideas are dangerous to us and our America. All we hear is the same old stuff over and over again, empty promises? Nothing to back any up. All we have to fall back on is the last two years of a do nothing Congress, of which Obama was and is a part of `do Nothing` the past TWO YEARS? Remember, two years ago all we heard was let us take charge of Congress,and we will CHANGE! how things are run in Washington, so far NOTHING! Only empty promises. SO NOW, WE ARE EXPECTED TO EAT MORE OF THE SAME-- with Obama? Please! One must ask, who is going to pay, for all those promises? remember the sales tax. mmm And who pays the sales tax? Not the one that is seling the goods. "right, we do"! Why Don`t people understand that this Country is built on Free Enterprise, and GOD! So the answer must be: Kill the `Goose` that lays the `Golden-Eggs` and remove its` CREATOR. then soon as the meal is over, no more `Goose`, and no more `Golden Eggs`. `Tax to the Max`, the ones that produces the products we buy, and they will just raise the prices to cover the increase tax. We Pay! You may say, I don`t have to buy their products. I can buy it cheeper made from another country. Soon, the cry of our smart buyers sounds. "I lost my job"!. The company I worked for shut down,and moved to China! Look at the lables in what you buy, where is your food comming from? What about that car in the drive way? It`s our Goverments` fault I lost my job. Those sorry people up there in Washington, Maybe part true Now we have gotten, from our Congress, the past two years. (1) highest Gas prices ever (Obama wants to increase the gas tax) (2)highest unemployed in many years (3)many companies leaving our country to produce products cheeper (4) our borders broken and over flowing. letting in untold numbers of people that we, the tax payers, are having to support. through governmet give aways. Obama wants to up this support, Even change our one language to further raise the reason our borders will stay broken, Till we, the tax payers, are `BROKEN`, That will be the end of America as we now know it. Too late to say " we made a Mistake"! We do have a `Whipping Boy In Washington, Most every one is ready to blame him. One man, who has caused all the bad things, and all our problems. (we and our `Do nothing Congress` of course had nothing to do with it) O, No . It is all that Bushs` fault. Come on, people, it is easy to blame others, but it is time to clean out Washington, and clean up our country. Let`s All Get out and Vote! And keep America the land we love, Free of Communist Ideas and promises. Some one should tell Obama, (if he will he listen), communism didn`t work for The `USSR`, and has no place in America. Let`s keep America Free, with less Goverment control over Her people, and Under The Almighty GOD! Remember, every new Law takes away a piece of our Freedom. People, I feel this man, Obama, is dangerous to us as well as America. A `Pied-Piper`? I wonder? jp --- ...Yeppers. Thanks John-Paul. That IS a good point. We got upset with Bush this last election and now for TWO years we have been under the Democrats power in the Congress. They knock down Bush's ideas and do things their way. BUT what has happened to our country in the last two years? Many more are jobless, many more are homeless and we ALL are having trouble making ends meet because of this terrible inflation! I don't see the Democrats making ANY Changes except for the WORSE! We who love GOD and Our Country need to Vote to get our country back on the right track. Like I said before. We can only do our best and pray to God that He does the Rest. God can only do what we ask Him to do AND will never MAKE a person Do Anything they do not want to do. That is how corruption lives even when prayers abound. We get rid of the bad people out of office and power by our voting for the godly ones and then God can help us have the good things back in our country again. We Need to Do first so God can Do! God Moves when You Move! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/godmoves.html ====================================================================== >-->ONE From The PAST: 8-16-2000 >>-->Have You Heard This One? .---. I was driving to work this morning when my Ford quit / (o \_ in the damp weather I was sitting in the car at the | -='.'"` side of the highway, contemplating my next move, ) ( when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the _.=` \ middle of the hood of the car. It seemed _.=`. -. | fairly tame, and I soon became fascin- .===:._ ' '. ; | ated in watching it up close ________,.='`^~""``"====-' ,' as it strutted around and '-========-""'"-=..,,,_____,.' made cooing noises. `\ `\ jgs ,-'==,\ A few minutes passed, and two more ,-`==; pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood. Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood. All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off... ...No darn way I was going to be pigeon-towed!! ========= Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience. Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!". The other replied, "No, it's not!". The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side. To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover." ================ BAR DITTIES: A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar. "Do you want to dance?" asks the man. "I don't care much for this song and wouldn't be caught dead dancing with you anyway," snips the woman. "Oh, excuse me, you must have misunderstood -- I said you look FAT in those pants!!" ----- A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one. He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one. He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, "Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?" The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home." ----- A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The guy beside him says, "See that window over there. Well if you jump out you can fly! The man says to him, "PROVE IT!" so this guy jumps out of the window and he flies around outside. "WOW," says the man, so he tries it for himself but drops straight to the floor...SPLAT. The barman then says to the other guy, "SUPERMAN....you're gonna have to stop messing around, you know." ---- A guy goes into a bar and sits down and orders. He takes a 12" man out of his pocket, and the little man starts to play a little piano just his size. The bartender says to the man, "Wow, that's so neat, how did you get him?" The guy says, "I have this magic lamp with a geenie in it, and I rubbed it and got to make a wish." The bartender says, "Wow, that is really neat, Could I try?" The guy says, "Yeah, but be careful what you wish for." The bartender says, "Ok. No problem." The guy takes out the lamp and the bartender rubs it, and sure enough out comes the geenie. "I will give you one wish," says the geenie. The bartender thinks long and hard then says, "Well, I want a million bucks." POOF a million ducks appear. The bartender says, "Hey wait a minute. I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks. The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Hey I didn't ask for a 12" pianist either!!!" -------- A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here, don't you see the sign. It says no dogs allowed." The guy says, "But my dog isn't like other dogs, he can can talk." The bartender says, "Oh yeah, well prove it, and I'll let you and the dog stay." The guy says, "Ok, watch this." He bends down to his dog and says, "Hey Rover, what is over our heads?" The dog says "RRRRooooFFFF." The bartender shakes his head and says, "Get out of here." The guy says, "No wait, watch this. Rover, who is the greatest baseball player in the world?" The dog says, "RRRRuuuuFFFF." The bartender says, "You've got to be kidding me," and kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar. The guy and his dog leave the bar and start walking down the street when the dog looks up at his owner and says, "Gee, I blew it. Maybe I should have said DiMaggio." ========= Only In The USA _____________[\_ / _|_ .--..--\ ...Can a pizza get to your house |) | [__][___\___ faster than an ambulance; | | -|- __ `\ _ _( .----. | | / \ [) { ) __ jgs `'---\__/-----------\__/--' ,---'_ .---' \ \___ //'---,\ ...Are there handicap parking places \\ in front of a skating rink; jgs ==' ...Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front; ...Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off with a DIET coke because they're concerned about their weight; ...Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter; ...Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage; ...Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place; ______________ .-' `-. ...Do we buy hot dogs in packages of (____________________) ten and buns in packages of eight; ( ) jgs ( `----------------' ) ...Do we use the word "Politics" to `------------------' describe the process so well: "Poli" (from Latin) means "many", and "tics", meaning blood- sucking pests. ...Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. ======================= THE SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT 1. Enthusiasm 2. Disillusionment 3. Panic 4. Search for the Guilty 5. Punishment of the Innocent 6. Praise and Honor for the Non-Participants ================== I am too Smart! There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. The redhead and the brunette were always making fun of the blonde saying how dumb she was. So, the blonde decided to prove the other two wrong by learning the capitals of every country in the world. The next time they were together, the redhead and the brunette started to make fun of the blonde, who then told them that she knew the capitals of every country in the world. The redhead said "Oh yeah, what's the capital of England?" The blonde replied "E". ==================== LOVE & MARRIAGE QUIRKY QUOTES "Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give." -- Cass Daley "I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me." -- Dick Martin "If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children...' -- they leave skid marks." -- Rita Rudner "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open." -- Groucho Marx "The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." -- S. T. Coleridge An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced, "It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!" A father called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct the cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss." The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a whole lot of stuffing!!! I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you? Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again. ================== The Airline Passenger's Bill Of Rights _ -=\`\ If a passenger requests a refund for their |\ ____\_\__ ticket, the passenger shall be able to -=\c`""""""" "`) obtain their refund within his/her lifetime. `~~~~~/ /~~` -==/ / jgs Airlines shall be fined for forcing passengers '-' to sit in a plane on the runway for more than a hour without providing topless dancing girls and an open bar. Customers shall receive their checked luggage within 24 hours of their arrival. They shall also be informed at what particular flea market they can buy back the contents of their luggage. _..--=--..._ Passengers sitting next to a crying .-' '-. .-. baby will receive free alcohol and /.' '.\/ / headphones. |=- -=| ( \'. .'/\ \ Passengers shall be given information '-.,_____ _____.-' '-' about why a flight has been delayed, jgs [_____]=8 canceled or diverted to another airport that sounds somewhat believable without the employee If a passenger's flight snickering or giggling. is canceled he/she shall be given directions to the nearest bus terminal. .----------------. Passengers shall receive |_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I]___ accurate information about .::. | _ : ; _ ) their airline's frequent flyer jgs ':::'' ='-(_)----------=-(_)-' program or at least accurate information about some other airline's frequent flyer information. ================== STRANGE, BUT TRUE It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomachs contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. -->Darn - Knew I was licking too much! The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. ================= Pres Jokes: One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theater." --- A guy was lost on the mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a cop and asked, "What side is the State Department on?" To which to cop answered, "Ours, I hope." --- Dear Mr. Anthony: I am a sailor in the U.S. Navy, and I also have a cousin who is a Democrat. My father has epilepsy and my mother has syphillis, so neither of them can work. They are totally dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes in Louisville. My brother is serving a life term in prison for rape and murder. I am in love with a street walker who operates near our base. Though she knows nothing of my background, she loves me. We intend to get married as soon as she settles her bigamy case which is now in court. When I get out of the Navy we intend to move to Detroit and open a small 'house'. My problem, Mr. Anthony, is this: In view of the fact that I intend to take this girl as my wife and bring her into the family, should I, or should I not, tell her about my cousin who is a Democrat? ================ >>-->From Our Friend Kent ... :) If automobiles had developed at the same rate as computers: Cruising Speed: 1,000,000 mph Fuel Mileage: 500,000 mpg Cost: $2.40 7UP- Came originally in 7 ounce bottles and up is the direction of travel of the bubbles in the bottle, hence the name. (This came from a pretty good scource) Tachyon: An object discovered in the last 20 years by scientists. They travel so fast that, if you were able to see them they would give the illusion of disappearing before they arrived. Why is abbreviated such a long word? If you drop a piece of buttered bread it will almost always land butter side down. If you drop a cat it will usually land on its feet. What if you strap a piece of buttered bread on the back of a cat....? If two people in Arkansas get divorced are they still cousins? What does it mean when somebody from Arkansas drools from both sides of their mouth? There mobile home is level. The "FART" is proof positive that the Lord has a since of humor. Do you know why farts smell? So that deaf people can enjoy them! Men have sex much more often than women! The only problem is that usually there is no one else there. =============== WORD/Phrase ORIGINS: Why do we call a means of getting out of something a loophole? In medieval times, a loophole was a small hole in a fortress wall through which small arms were fired. The wall was the "loop" around the fortress, so if you found a loophole, that was a lucky event. As far as we know, they were not used for escape. ----- Where does the word propaganda come from? The Latin verb propagare means "to reproduce (a plant) by cuttings; spread for sprouting; propagate; enlarge." The modern use of the term, however, is grounded in the Roman Catholic Church. Pope Gregory XV, in 1622, created a congregation specifically for organizing all of the Roman Catholic Church's missionary activities under his control. He called it the Congregatio de Propaganda Fide or, roughly translated, "the congregation for propagating the faith." It began being referred to informally as "Propaganda." The common English usage of the word as we know it today was established by the 1790s. ---- How many words are in the English language? English consists of about 600,000 words (though the number keeps growing). The good news is that experts consider a person fluent if he or she knows only about 2,000 of them. Most of us use more than that in everyday conversation, but the norm is still only a few thousand. Even professional writers are said to use only about 50,000 words, leaving a lot of words unsaid. Perhaps that's for the best. >>Almanac.com ============ Talking out loud in church Six year old Angie and her four year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joel. "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joel nodded. "They're hushers." ========================= The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches were wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. And this worked! How? They were able to smoke, because... the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the company's kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior. Sergeant: Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator? LM: Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!" =============== >>-->From Our Friend Richard ... Wow - sounds like fun! ... NOT! :) PREPARING FOR THE YEARLY MAMMOGRAM Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective. EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floorsideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast. EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again. ---- What religion is your bra? Hope you get a laugh out of this!!! A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly said to the woman at the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, and color imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled again, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills." ========================= CAR Tips: Play Defense What are the basics of defensive driving? Defensive driving can be summed up in three words: Caution, alertness and responsibility. You can start before you even pull out of your driveway. Putting on your seatbelt should be something you do without even thinking. Forty-three thousand people die in auto accidents every year in the US -- not to mention the two million others who are badly injured. Seatbelts really do save lives, so get used to using them. Once you’re on the road, pay attention to the other drivers around you. This may seem simplistic, but you cannot read another driver’s mind. You may know that you will follow the rules of the road, but you can’t know if every one else will do the same. Distance yourself from erratic drivers. If a fellow driver is having trouble merging or changing lanes, be courteous and slow down to allow them to maneuver around you safely. In short, pay attention. Be alert, give the other driver a break, and we’ll all get where we’re going in one piece. >>Autoweb ================= Star Spangled Banner A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!" ======================== THE RULES 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. 18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. ================= The Reverend's Speech Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed." ========================= Dear Bad Answer Man: I need your help! I went to enjoy a little _,..,,,_ recreational boating this weekend '``````^~"-,_`"-,_ and found my hovercraft is .-~c~-. `~:. ^-. full of eels, `-.c ; `:. `-, _.-~~^^~:. what can `. ; _,--~~~~-._ `:. ~. .~ `. I do? .` ;' .:` `: `:. ` _.:-,. `. .' .: :' _.-~^~-. `. `..' .: `. ' : .' _:' .-' `. :. .: .'`. : ; : `-' .:' `. `^~~^` .:. `. ; ; `-.__,-~ jgs ~-. ,' ': '.__.` :' ~--..--' ':. .:' Your eel problem is not an ':..___.:' uncommon one. In fact, 1 out of 3 north Amerian hovercraft owners have an eel problem. But since eels like to hide within the dark confines of the bilge, most people are unaware they have these slimy little stowaways. I caught an advertisement in "Pond Fishing Journal" about a guy in Canada who experimented and was able to breed an eel-eater. He rents the thing out and after hearing your plight I rented him for you for a week and should arrive this Thursday. By the way, it's about the size of a Shetland Pony so I hope there are plenty of eels in your boat). They eat approximately 1300 per day and get quite perturbed (crazed biting with razor sharp teeth) if they have to go hungry. I do happen to sell eels if you need extra, so let me know. --------- QUOTES: "I must tell you about uncle Harry. He was a dentist and he had this approach: for every one tooth he'd extracted from a patient, he took out two of his own. He was a dentist for one week. You don't get that kind of compassion today." - Arthur Brown "As new parents, you are experiencing a magical period of wonder, joy and possibility that has made you really stupid. You are not alone: All new parents undergo a sharp drop in intelligence. It's nature's way of enabling them to form an emotional bond with a tiny human who relates with other humans exclusively by spitting upon them." - Dave Barry "My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite." - Woody Allen (From "The Simpsons") Homer: "Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?" "Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." - Jack Handey "Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish.'" - Seinfeld "If I were in jail, I'd hope that someone would send me a cake with a file in it, because I really, really like cake." - Dan Lyons "If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause." - Paul Tindale "Attempt the impossible in order to improve you work." --Bette Davis "If a sense of duty tortures a man, it also enables him to achieve prodigies." --H. L. Mencken "Courage calls to courage everywhere, and its voice cannot be denied." --Millicent G. Fawcett ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSE :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR Send a BLANK email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************