Blondes, Geezer Exam, Problem Solving And More... :)Shangy! >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->OoooWEeeee!! oo 8 "} > @ < .8 .-._/| .'_'`')`_.' \| ) / (>'/ |_,_ | (,| .' ,'\| `._/ ) \| '`- -- ''-- --- VK/ejm I'm doing a 'Happy Angel' dance! Why? Because Shangrala has been blessed with another donation from our dear friend JeanT from FL. May God Bless her abundantly! We sure do thank God for her and all our past most sweet, caring and wonderful angels who help keep Shangrala alive! Shangrala is only here because of you! Thank You! If you'd like to help too and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. NOTE: Paypal will generate a 'Quantity 1' and 'Price per item' form. Just ignore the price per item and put whatever it is you desire to give in there. With Paypal, you will have your normal receipt for your 'payment' donation in USD (United States Dollars). You can put a memo in there if you'd like. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our first flaming hot new page is from our friends LouiseAu, SharonA and PatDeE. It is one that will bring many of you Smiles as you take a walk down Memory Lane while others will simply be amused by how much things have changed. Be sure to give this and the video a few moments of your time by visiting it here... ,@@@@@@@@@, @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@'_ _'@@@@@ @@@| o o |@@@ '@| (_) |@' \ ___ / |\_`~`_/| ____/: `"` :\____ /`}}}}}\ /{{{{{`\ / {{{{{ \ / }}}}} \ / }}}}} \.-./ {{{{{ \ | {{{{{ / | \ }}}}} | jgs | }}}}} \/|\/ {{{{{ | | /{{{{{ '-' }}}}}\ | Then And Now! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/thenandnow.html --- ...Teehee! A fun one for sure! Thanks My Friends! This next burning hot new page is from my daughter Tammy. It is one that will shock you and may even bring some tears as the heartwarming story unfolds to you. We just never know what God has in store for us and how He is able to work His miracles - sometimes even through our pets. Check this out and be sure to spend a little extra time watching the videos here... __ / \ / ..|\ (_\ |_) / \@' / \ _ / ` | \\/ \ | _\ \ /_ || \\_ \____)|_) \_) Ruth Ginsberg Dogs Find Baby Buried Alive! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/babyburiedalive.html --- ...Wow! So Awesome! Thanks Tammy! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: _________________________________________________ ________________________ jro|\ | AIM HIGH | | \ ______ | __ | | \ | |fly the \_/__\_/ F117 | | \ | | _______/__\/__\_______ | | | Stealth | "Now this is an | | United States Air Force| educational |[] |________________________| experience!" \ () | / | \ | \\\\ ____ | |\ | | ( oo |\___\ | | \| | \o/ ||___| | \\ | | (/_\)/____\_ | \\| ______|__________________________ |\ ||_____|\__| | \__________\ \ \ | | \ \|__________| \ 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 >12 Types of People on Facebook/Social Media All of us on Facebook/Social Media have at least one of each of these types of friends on our list: 1) The "Rooster" -- Always tells Facebook "Good Morning" every day. 2) The "Lurker" -- Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status when seeing you in public. 3) The "Hyena" -- Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything. 4) "Mr/Ms Popular" -- Has 4,367 friends for NO reason. 5) The "Gamer" -- Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Bejeweled Blitz, and bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc. (ALL DAY). 6) The "Cynic" -- Hates his life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of his status updates. 7) The "Collector" -- Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff. 8) The "Promoter" -- Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore. 9) The "Liker" -- Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button. 10) "Drama Queen/King" -- This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!" or "They gonna make me snap today!" in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong ... but then never finishes telling the story. 11) The "News" -- Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and lastly... 12) The "Thief" -- Steals status updates ... and will probably steal this one... -<>- A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall. Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour who the people on the wall were. "Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for," answered the policeman. "We call those wanted posters." Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. "Well," he wondered, "why didn't you just keep them when you took their pictures?" ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ January 11 is Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day and Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend's Day January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day, National Hot Tea Day and National Pharmacist Day January 13 is International Skeptics Day, Make Your Dream Come True Day, National Rubber Duckie Day and National Take the Stairs Day January 14 is Dress Up Your Pet Day January 15 is National Bagel Day and National Hat Day January 16 is Appreciate a Dragon Day and National Nothing Day January 17 is Ditch New Years Resolutions Day ======================================================= >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: dentist: /-----| \-' | Q | )C ~\/\ | \\_ \ | \_77 |\ | ejm 96 |`` \ \ | """ ~ ~ === Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've been to the dentist." "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained. -<>- There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!" -<>- .----. | \./''\ \. |\ \\===-_____..'\ /.--. \ | \ .--. | | _ \|/ )| `.__`-----._0/.' (__ . . __) ) ------ ( (_.------._) dlK | | >TOP TEN INNOVATIONS BEING DEVELOPED FOR 2021 By Dave Tippett 10. Gluten-Free Face Masks 9. Chia Personal Bubble 8. Body-Scrubbing Drone 7. Socially-Distanced Murder Hornets 6. Morgan Freeman's Voice Modulator for all Politicians 5. Zoom's Electric Shock 'Reminder' that You're still on Mute 4. Retro pull-start TV remote 3. Pfizer's Zombie Vaccine 2. Tween Yoda 1. New game show, "Wheel of Fauci" - - - - - - - - - Copyright 2020 Dave Tippett. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. -<>- This was written 5 years ago, but feels more relevant this year...Mikey ( * ) * ) * ( ) ( ( ( ) ( ) ) * ) ) ( ( ( ( * ) H ) ) [ ] ( ( * |-| * ) ( * ) |_| . ) ( | | . ) / \ . ' . * ( |_____| ' . . ) | ___ | \~~~/ ' . ( * | \ / | \_/ \~~~/ ) | _Y_ | | \_/ ( * jgs |-----| __|__ | * `-----` __|__ >I AM THE NEW YEAR By Pastor Barry Black Deuteronomy 11.12 "...the eyes of the Lord thy God are always upon it, from the beginning of the year even unto the end of the year." I will help you to say goodbye to the previous year filled with "yesterdays" and comprised of Disappointments and surprises Losses and gains Failures and Successes Defeats and victories A year which may be remembered by recalling... Fleeting moments Delightful memories and good times The sobering reality of missed opportunity The insight gained from daily living The unexpected surprise of reconnecting with old friends. The joy of sins forgiven Golden words fitly spoken (Proverbs 25:11) And the fruit of obedience and pleasing the Lord Yes, the old year is a time in which we can recall with gratitude... Blessings, protection, and rewards from the Providential hand of God Grace that was sufficient for our every need Mercy received when justice would have just as easily been fitting for us. And realizing that even bad things that happened could have been worse... much worse. May your past productively transition to the future as you experience... The warm daylight of lessons hard learned, and the fading sunset of the pain that was long endured while living through them. The priceless value found in genuine friends, and the sober understanding of the shackles of superficial people who merely use us. The glorious journey of... The unmatched wealth in reading and studying the Bible The unparalleled stability of Christian fellowship And the unrivaled enjoyment of serving the Lord. And as you experience the wise departure from... The comfortable enticement of procrastination The deceptive decoy of excuses The childish pleasure of pettiness And the dull applause of mediocrity. I AM THE NEW YEAR. I am... The challenge of new goals The desire for spiritual growth The continual burden for lost souls The anticipation of answered prayer And the eager expectation of Christ's soon return for His Bride, the Church. I am the New Year, I may only be lived one moment at at time. I am replete with the unknown and rife with... Opportunities to trust Unexpected moments of blessing and delight Satisfaction for spiritual truth and hunger Motivations to give of your time and effort to people and projects And the joy and privilege of serving the Lord in new and exciting ways. YES, I AM THE NEW YEAR! ----------------- Copyright 2015 Barry Black. Permission is granted to share this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Linda :) Two tooth brushes ___ ___ /\ ..\_ _/ /\ \/\ _) (_'' /\/ \/\ o\ / . /\/ \/\_ ) ( _/\/ Faucet \/_)( )(_\/ ____ (__\______________/__) |___|\ |\ \ / /| | \ Tube of | \ \ / / | | \ toothpaste | \ \ / / | | \ ___ | \ \ / / | ____ | \ ____ / _ \ ______ | \ \ / / | /|_||\|________\/|_||\___ / // // \ \ | \ \ / / | _________________________\-\ \_// \/-__ -\__ \__)(__/ __/---- \_________ / |||| [][][][][][][][][] """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" unknown >TIPS - CLEANING AND CURING POWER OF TOOTHPASTE The primary use of toothpaste is to clean and improve the aesthetic appearance and health of teeth, but the chemicals involved there can do so many other cleaning and curing things. Remember, use only white toothpaste. * REMOVES STAIN FROM CLOTH To take out all kinds of stain like ink or lipstick. Squeeze some on the spot, scrub and rinse. * EVEN OUT SCRATCHES ON CD / DVD If the screen freezes, take out the disc, put some toothpaste on it, scrub and clean it off. * CLEANS DIAMOND RING Just squeeze a little on a used toothbrush, wet the ring, scrub gently, rinse and your diamond ring should be look sparkling new. * CLEANS SILVER Toothpaste can be used to polish any kind of silver. It really does bring out the shine in silverware. * PLACATE BURNS Right after you get burnt, put it on. It helps to relieve the sting. * REMOVES CRAYON FROM PAINTED WALLS Rub the marks with the toothpaste and a damp rag. Wipe with water to get rid of residue. * REMOVE CARPET STAINS Squeeze some onto the carpet, scrub, rinse and let it dry. * RELIEVES INSECT BITES Spread a little over either of these and you’ll feel soothed and no itches. Mosquito, flea and ant bites work especially well. * KEEP GIRL BABIES IN THEIR HAIR If they don’t have much hair this is particularly useful. It does not pull it out, it just washes out. * CLEAN YOUR NAILS Teeth and nails are made of the same material. To clean your nails, squeeze some on top of a toothbrush, wet your nails and brush them thoroughly. Be amazed by the sparkle. * CLEANS SHOES Scrubbing toothpaste with a wet toothbrush over the boots, working shoes and rubber part of sneakers will work. It can also be used to remove scuffs. * PUT UP POSTERS You can use toothpaste to put up posters without damaging the wall. However, avoid using it for collector posters. It can damage the ink over time. * USE IT TO TEMPORARILY SEAL HOLES Can be used as a spackle to fill nail holes. This sounds evil, but you can use it right before you move out of your rented apartment. * CLEAN AROUND THE BATHROOM Use it to clean shower doors and rings around the bath tub. It has an abrasive so that is why it works good. * CLEAN YOUR VEHICLE'S HEADLIGHT LENSES Put some toothpaste in a bowl with some water. Use a buffer pad and clean off fog caused by dirt and bugs hitting them. * CLEAN MODEL CARS Hobbyists who collect and build model cars, robots and action figures can certainly use toothpaste to make them nice and shiny. * REMOVE SCRATCHES ON YOUR WATCH CRYSTAL Dab some on the watch and scrub it with tissue. * TREAT ACNE Be very careful when using this. Use it at most once a week. Just dab a small amount on a pimple before bed, wake up and it will dry up. * PREVENT FOG IN YOUR SWIMMING GOGGLES Just wipe it on, clean it off. Works well for me. * CLEAN PIANO KEYS A dab of toothpaste, a soft cloth and some rubbing will usually clean piano key tops and turn them white again. * DEODORIZE SMELLY HANDS Wash your hands with a dab of toothpaste and it will remove smells like onions and other unpleasant odors. * REMOVE SCRATCHES ON GLASSWARE Polish with a squeeze of toothpaste. Your glassware should be shining in no time. * REMOVE BEACH TAR Getting that black beach tar on your feet can put a small crimp in your vacation, but it is easy enough to remove. Just rub it with some non-gel toothpaste and rinse. * DEODORIZE BABY BOTTLES Works for sour smelling baby bottles. Scrub with toothpaste and a bottle brush and the bottles should end up smelling clean and fresh. * CLEANS CLOTHES IRON The mild abrasive in non-gel toothpaste is just the ticket for scrubbing the gunk off the bottom plate of your clothes iron. Apply the toothpaste to the cool iron, scrub with a cloth, then rinse clean. * REMOVE WATER MARKS FROM FURNITURE To get rid of those telltale watermark rings left by sweating beverages, gently rub some non-gel toothpaste on the wood with a soft cloth. --- ...Wow! Great Tips! Thanks Linda! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) |U| | | | | | | | |-._ | |-._ | | | |-. |_| | |-. /| ` | / )|_|_|_| | | | | | `-^-^-' | | | || | \ / \ ' / | | VK | | | | | | >SMILES A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." -------- As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to the flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?" The attendant replied, "No, just once! -------- A blonde went to a flight school, insisting that she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot a helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start the helicopter, gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she had climbed to 1,000 feet, the blonde radioed in, "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." At 2,000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb to over 3,000 feet and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about a half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I started to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan." -------- A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches the car holding the ticket and pen ready and says: "Young lady, you've been driving almost double the speed limit. Give me your name please." "Hmmph!" - says the blonde looking very irritated "And what am I going to be called then?" -------- An Irishman living in Devon goes for a job on a construction site. The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?" The Irishman says, "Yes." "Good. Can you drive a fork lift?" The Irishman looks at him and says, "Why, just how big is this teapot?" -------- _.--. .-"`_.--.\ .-.___________ ."_-"` \\ ( 0;------/\"'` ,."=___ =)) \ \ / \ `~` .=`~'~) ( _/ / / \ =`---====""~`\ _/ / \ `-------"` / \ jgs / \ ( ) '._ _.' '----' After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back." -------- The employees of a bank went on strike. While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open. She was told "We have two windows open." The caller then asked, "Can't I just come through the front DOOR?" -------- My friend's four-year-old daughter spotted some old photos on my piano. "Who's that?" she asked, pointing to the one of my grandmother. "That's my dad's mother," I told her, explaining that the photo was taken a long time ago, and that my grandmother is now dead. The girl looked puzzled and said, "Then why is she smiling?" "She can't be called to babysit any more," I replied. --- ...OH MY! HaHaHa! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From HandyHints: |\ | \ | ____________ ____________ | / O * maytag \ / O O maytag \ | |____________| |____________| | | ____________ || | | || ||| | | || ]||| | | /\ ____ || ||| | _______ | [| ||Tide|||____________||| | |#####| | __|__||____||______________||______________|__|#####|___| "I'm tellin ya, it's |#####| jro\ \\\\ true, Billy." )))) (///) / (((() \_/ /) \_/ / \\// // \\ \|__\/ \\_// ||\\ //\\ ||// (_)(_) (_)_) >Laundry is the topic of the day. Let's first tackle washing down pillows and comforters. It's recommended the clean down pillows in the washer every 3 - 6 months to remove icky bacteria and nasty odors. Launder comforters as needed, up to 2 times a year - this is because each washing strips the feathers of their natural oils, which will cause them to lose their loft. Dry both items on the lowest heat settings and add clean tennis balls or wool dryer balls to help evenly redistribute the feathers. Between washings air out your down items, preferably outdoors on a clothesline to help keep them smelling fresh. Spot-treat small stains with a mild dishwashing liquid and water. * Does the Type of Washing Machine Matter? A front - or top-loading machine without an agitator - which is the spindle in the center of the washing machine - is preferred for cleaning pillows. However, that doesn't mean you can't use a top-loading machine with an agitator to clean pillows; try placing the pillows in vertically so they're less likely to get damaged and agitating only one or two minutes on the gentle cycle. After rinsing, use the spin dry feature of your washer at least twice to get as much moisture out of the pillows as possible. * Use Less Laundry Detergent Okay guys, this won't save you a ton of time, but it will save you some money. Most people use way too much laundry detergent while doing laundry. The easiest way to save is to use less. You know how much the manufacturer recommends you to use? Use LESS than that - use half of what they recommend. Your clothes will be just as clean as using what the bottle recommends - trust me! -<>- * Why pay for cleaning rags? That's one concept I've never grasped! All you need to do is cut up old t-shirts into rags. The soft material is great for cleaning any surface! It even works on glass. This is one way to reuse household items that can really pay off since cleaning rags wear out so quickly. * Here is a tip for reusing a household item. I was dubious about until I tried it. When you use all your dish soap, wash out the bottle and save it. You'll be surprised at the uses for squeeze bottles! They are so convenient for watering house plants. If you have ever spilled water all over the place trying to water a potted plant with a cup you know what I mean. ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: Devin Nunes Calls For Racketeering Charges Against Google, Amazon, Apple For Colluding To Destroy “Potentially Billion Dollar” Competitor Parler AND MORE: https://thescoop.us/ Silicon Valley Mafia is Shutting Down Free Speech – Parler CEO Says / Big Tech and Banks Shut Off Pro-Trump Congressmen / Muslim Mayor of London Demands Churches Be Shut Down / Government Shutdowns Cost 372,000 Americans their Jobs / Mexican President Blows Up Twitter for Trump Censorship / It is Now a Crime to Walk on the Beach in the UK and More: https://reliablenewsnow.com/ Fauci Wants to End Parents’ Rights on These Health Decisions for Their Children / Now the World Health Organization Predicts a Far Worse Pandemic is Coming / Bill Gates Is Moving Forward on This Shocking Plan AND More: https://deepstatejournal.com/ REVEALED: Exactly How LIBERALS LIED To Us To Get Everything They Want! / GUTLESS Tom Cotton Just Launched A Sick Attack On True Patriot Ted Cruz! /GOP Member Just LOST IT On Liberals That STORMED The CAPITAL! http://2020conservative.com/ FBI Brazenly Raiding Republican Homes! / BE ALERT! The GREAT PURGE Is Continuing! / Ambulance Crews In Democrat Cities Now Being Told, “JUST LET THEM DIE” and More: https://independentminute.com/ HOLY COW! Rush Limbaugh Just Dropped A Huge Announcement! / RADICAL Democrats Have REVEALED Their True EVIL Plan / Trey Gowdy Emerged And Dropped An ABSOLUTE TRUTH BOMB! / TOP Official EXPOSES EXACTLY Where CHINA VIRUS CAME FROM! https://threepercenternation.com/ Michelle Obama Calls on Big Tech To Ban Trump Forever https://americanactionnews.com/category/politics/ WhiteHouseNews: https://www.whitehouse.gov/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Students For Life https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6 Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: Metal In Ice Cream Prompts Recall http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2 -<>- >From BizarreNews: A small plane made a "miraculous" emergency landing on a Florida beach after suffering engine trouble shortly after takeoff. The Federal Aviation Administration said the single-engine Cessna 172, owned by a Dania Beach marketing firm, took off from Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport and was in the air for about 10 minutes before making an emergency landing in the beach sand at Dr. Von D. Mizell- Eula Johnson State Park. "The aircraft makes regularly scheduled trips from Fort Lauderdale to the Bahamas," Broward Sheriff Fire Rescue spokesman Michael Kane reported. "It appears that, in this case, the aircraft had possibly just taken off from Fort Lauderdale when it experienced engine trouble and was unable to return to Fort Lauderdale." Beach visitor Derek Thompson captured video of the plane's landing. "He landed on the beach right in front of me, and I saw people down the beach, a few people, just run to get out of the way of the plane. The plane went up, and it's nose kind of dug into the sand a bit when it finally came to a stop, and it came back down on its wheels," Thompson said. The pilot was able to exit the plane uninjured. "To say that this was a miraculous landing would be a great understatement," Kane said. --- ...Yes, I found the amazing video of this just for you here... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hgXoSn9JZY&feature=emb_imp_woyt -<>- Those cell phone towers are suspicious. Are they connecting phone calls? Or are they broadcasting subliminal microwave transmissions designed to brainwash the public into believing the government isn't really a race of alien lizard people in disguise? One man wasn't going to wait around to find out. When a crew of utility workers began working on a tower in his neighborhood he took hold of a Bobcat skid-steer, and then he took action. The man is in custody after allegedly using a skid-steer in a confrontation with utility workers in Minnesota. The Meeker County Sheriff's Office reports that the 67-year-old used a skid-steer to threaten workers at a cell tower site, attempting to flip over equipment the utility workers were using, then threatening to overturn their work trucks. Deputies responding to the report located the man while he was on his way back to his house. The perpetrator, who was believed to be under the influence of alcohol, was arrested and booked into the Meeker County Jail on pending charges of second-degree assault, disorderly conduct and DUI. According to the sheriff's office, the man was "upset the workers were out there so he confronted them." -<>- *--- What else could Covid possibly ruin? ---* The organizers of the No Pants Subway Ride, an annual January event held on public transport in more than a dozen cities worldwide, announced the 2021 event has been canceled. Improv Everywhere, the performance art group that has organized the No Pants Subway Ride since the first event was held in 2002 in New York City, said this year's sans-pants public transit trek has been canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. "Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we are canceling the annual No Pants Subway Ride this year," Improv Everywhere said on the event's official website. "We look forward to hosting more large-scale events once it is safe to do so again." Previous years have seen organized groups of subway riders taking per-determined commuter train routes in their underwear in cities including New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, London, Boston, Berlin, Calgary, Dallas, Mexico City, Tokyo, London, Lisbon, St. Peterburg, Melbourne and San Francisco. [AN ET-AHEM!] *-- 'Kids do find g%nitals funny.' --* The Danish equivalent of the BBC, DR, has a new animated series aimed at four-to eight-year-olds about John Dillermand, the man with the world's longest p%nis. But it's not just long. His record-breaking g%nitals can perform rescue operations, etch murals, hoist a flag and even steal ice-cream from children. Unsurprisingly, the series has provoked debate about what good children's television should - and should not - contain. Since premiering, opponents have condemned the idea of a man who cannot control his p%nis. "Is this really the message we want to send to children while we are in the middle of a huge #MeToo wave?" wrote the Danish author Anne Lise Marstrand-Jorgensen. Erla Heinesen Hojsted, a clinical psychologist who works with families and children, said she believed the show's opponents may be overthinking things. "John Dillermand talks to children and shares their way of thinking - and kids do find g%nitals funny," she said. DR responded to the latest criticism by saying it could just as easily have made a programme "about a woman with no control over her v%gina" and that the most important thing was that children enjoyed John Dillermand. *--- Regrets, I've had a few ---* A remorseful thief who took the sword from a statue of a Revolutionary War hero in Massachusetts returned the sculpture's blade to the city Historical Commission with his apologies. Cindy P. Gaylord, chair of the Westfield Historical Commission, said a man contacted Westfield City Hall in December and asked to be connected with someone involved with the commission. "His message was very cryptic," Gaylord told The Springfield Republican. "He said he was in possession of something that belonged to Westfield and he wanted to return it." Gaylord arranged to meet in person with the man, who then recounted to her the story of how he was a student at Westfield State University in 1980 and ended up taking the bronze sword from the sculpture of Gen. William Shepard, a Revolutionary War hero, in the city's downtown. The man told Gaylord the theft was a drunken mistake. "He had a great deal of shame and remorse," Gaylord said. "He is a veteran and told me the fact that he did this to another soldier troubled him. He wants the story printed to remind people that something you do in your youth could haunt you for the rest of your life." The statue's sword was replaced decades ago, but the original will likely have a new home at a local museum, Gaylord said. *--- Girl rescued from chairlift in New York ---* A 14-year-old skier who was left dangling from a chairlift in New York state was safely returned to solid ground when ski patrol members caught her in a safety tarp. A video recorded at the Bristol Mountain Ski Resort in Canandaigua shows the girl dangling by her jacket from the chairlift high over the ground. Ski Patrol members held a safety tarp under the girl, breaking her fall when she came free of her coat. The girl's sister said the 14-year-old skier was not injured in the incident. Witnesses said the girl was dangling for about 2 minutes before the rescue. Daniel Fuller, general manager at the resort, said an internal investigation will be conducted into the incident. --- ...Yes, Again, I've got you covered! I found the video here... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkbYWlzFctM ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: _ __ _ __ ( `^` )) ( `^` )) | || | || | || | || jgs '-----'` '-----'` >Slices of Toast Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight." The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast. "Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast." "I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father." -<>- >Your First Job A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how." -<>- '! !' '\).-.(/' .) o o (. n (o) n' .-@ =-= @-. / .'=._.='. \ .-' '-.".-' '-. )_ /-._,6,_.-\ _( '. /. " .\ .' '"' ; ; '"' '. .' 6: :6 : : '. .' : : '. .' ! ! : : .-. ! ' ; ' ; " '. .' "^Y$bpgd$P^" "Y$$P' fsc / \ >Your Mother-In-Law Gets Double One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. "What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie. "I want one billion dollars," replies the man. "Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get." "I know," replied the man. The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content. "Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie. The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death." -<>- ~-. ,,,; ~-.~-.~- (.../ ~-.~-.~-.~-.~-. } o~`, ~-.~-.~-.~-.~-.~-. (/ \ ~-.~-.~-.~-.~-.~-.~-. ; \ ~-.~-.~-.~-.~-.~-.~-. ; {_.~-.~-.~-.~-.~-.~-.~ ;: .-~` ~-.~-.~-.~-.~-. ;.: :' ._ ~-.~-.~-.~-.~- ;::`-. '-._ ~-.~-.~-.~- ;::. `-. '-,~-.~-.~-. ';::::.`''-.-' ';::;;:,:' '||" / | ~` ~"' mic >Q and A Quickies Q: What does a pessimistic Rooster say? A: Cock-a-doodle-don't. Q: Why don't anteaters get sick? A: Because they're full of anty-bodies! Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: Because he was feeling a little crummy. Q: What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? A: You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing over and over. Q: How can you spot an Ethiopian drug dealer? A: By the Rolex around his waist. Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"? A: Vegetarian. Q: What has a mouth but doesn't eat, a bank with no money, a bed but doesn't sleep, and waves but has no hands? A: A River. Q: What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains? A: The sea! /\\/\\\ ///"-'\\\ (PS) Q: What did the policeman say when a spider ran down his back? A: "You're under a vest!" ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: .======================================. | ___ ___ ___ _ _ _ | | \_/ \_/ \_/ C|||C|||C||| |-| |-| |-| | | _|_ _|_ _|_ ||| ||| ||| |_| |_| |_| | '===================================== ,sSSSs DUFFY'S WATERING HOLE SSSS "( .:. SSS@ =/ \~/ C|||' SSSS_(_ _Y_ ___|||______________________________SS/ _)_) /.- [____________________________________] \ /\// | ____ ____ ____ ____ | \|==(\_/ | (____) (____) (____) (____) | (/ ; | | | | | | | | | | |____| | | | | | | | | | | \ |\ | | | | | | | | | | ) ) ) | |____| |____| |____| |____| | ( |/ | I====I I====I I====I I====I | /\ | jgs | | | | | | | | | /.(=\ Y\_\ Good morning crew, Well, we didn't have much of a New Year's Eve. I went to dinner with my wife and her mother, and after dinner my mother-in-law went home and the wife and I haunted the bar across the street from the restaurant for a couple of hours texting people 'Happy New Year' and annoying the bar tender. But we didn't want to risk driving fuzzy, especially on New Year's Eve, so we left the bar by 9:30 and were home in front of the fireplace by 10. And by 10:30 the wife was asleep leaving me with an open bottle of sparkling to finish. So... about like last year. But we weren't planning on a big New Year's Eve because that weekend (last weekend) we had determined to go to a casino. That's something we haven't done all year; mostly because the casinos in Illinois are closed due to the Covid, but also because we're more or less broke. But the wife got a Christmas bonus check from her job, and I took out the money I had set aside for this month's utilities payments, and we drove across the border to Indiana. Now, to me going to a casino isn't so much about the gambling. I can blow a hundred bucks on instant lottery tickets at the gas station. When I go to a casino I like to dress up a little bit, maybe even put on a tie, hang out at the bar, order mixed drinks, sit at the tables instead of a stupid slot machine, light a cigar and pretend like I'm James Bond for a couple hours. It's fun. But things have changed since the last time I was in a casino. The rules are way different. It used to be you could just walk right in, but now you have to stand in a line, show an ID and get your picture taken. I don't like having my picture taken under the best of circumstances, and I was going to balk at this invasion of privacy, but then I figured that a casino is loaded with cameras filming you all the time anyway, so why not let them take another pic if they want it. But inside of the casino it was just dire. Because of the pandemic there are all sorts of new restrictions. For example; patrons now have to wait to get inside one of the few bars sprinkled throughout the casino. If there are more than a certain number of people inside the bar you just have to stand outside the door and wait until someone leaves. Plus, you can't take a drink out of the bar onto the casino floor. And you also have to wait to get onto a table; like a blackjack or roulette or craps table, for the same reason. Only so many people at a time. And there is also no smoking on the casino floor anymore. Smoking is only allowed in the dedicated smoking lounge, which frankly smelled just terrible. So I couldn't hang out in the bar, I couldn't drink, I couldn't smoke, and I couldn't play any table games. Everything fun about a casino has been eliminated, as far as I'm concerned. I did find a video blackjack game which I sat at for an hour. Sober. I won about a hundred dollars... which I loaned to the wife who promptly lost it in a slot machine. On the plus side, at least I'll be able to pay the gas and electric bills this month. Laugh it up, Joe -<>- ___ .-"""" ". / __'-. ; ..sssSSSS; ; ; ; '.' ..sssSSSSSS; ; """""""; ; ...ssssSSSSS; ; """"""; ; ; ; ....sssSS/ ; """/ ; .' ; .-""""-. '-.' _..ssS, .' "" _..sSs /__ "" _.sSS. .-"" `-. ___ ; _ /_..gg$$$pp'___`. .' `>. ,s$$$$$$$$$B;" `;""; .' ; :$$$$$$$$$$P"`._(): `-`_O.' :$$$$$$$$$P ' `-. $$$$$$$$$" _,,-. : ; $$$$$$$$!b.._g$$$$$$-. ; `. :$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P j\ :_.._/ T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P | : ; "T$$$$$$$$$$$$P"; ;_; : "^T$$$$$$P^"; : //: __! | | : ; `.: .mMMM: ) :_ ) '-. 'MMMP' fsc `.i_;I '-._i.' Choosing a movie? Try these extremely abbreviated plot explanations: - The Shining: A family's first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. - The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. - Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge. - Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works. - The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet. -<>- A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale. "Look, a scale," the man said to his friend. "Let's see how my new diet is working out." He stepped on the scale. "I can't believe it!" he said as he read the result. "I've been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I'm heaver than I was before! How can that be?" He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. "Here, hold my jacket," he said. The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale. Not much change. "Here," he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies too." -<>- A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy." "Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" -<>- Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly egg. He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section advertised "Boneless Chicken." -<>- Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance. One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?" -<>- .-------. |Jackpot| ____________|_______|____________ | __ __ ___ _____ __ | | / _\ / / /___\/__ \ / _\ | | \ \ / / // // / /\ \\ \ 25| | _\ \/ /___/ \_// / / \/_\ \ []| | \__/\____/\___/ \/ \__/ []| |===_______===_______===_______===| ||*|\_ |*| _____ |*|\_ |*|| ||*|| \ _ |*|| ||*|| \ _ |*|| ||*| \_(_) |*||*BAR*||*| \_(_) |*|| ||*| (_) |*||_____||*| (_) |*|| __ ||*|_______|*|_______|*|_______|*||(__) |===_______===_______===_______===| || ||*| _____ |*|\_ |*| ___ |*|| || ||*|| ||*|| \ _ |*| |_ | |*|| || ||*||*BAR*||*| \_(_) |*| / / |*|| || ||*||_____||*| (_) |*| /_/ |*|| || ||*|_______|*|_______|*|_______|*||_// |===_______===_______===_______===|_/ ||*| ___ |*| | |*| _____ |*|| ||*| |_ | |*| / \ |*|| ||*|| ||*| / / |*| /_ _\ |*||*BAR*||*|| ||*| /_/ |*| O |*||_____||*|| ||*|_______|*|_______|*|_______|*|| |lc=___________________________===| | /___________________________\ | | | | | _| \_______________________/ |_ (_____________________________________) When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" -<>- Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom. "My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'" -<>- Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten." -<>- Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead." ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: ,----------------. ( It's a thought `------------. > Just a thought and nothing ) ( but a thought... )-----' `---( )------' `-----(_)--' 0 o Ojo >Just Think About This! * On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out." * Don't pray for rain if you're going to complain about the mud! * "I have a dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip." --Craig Shoemaker * "I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only eight minutes." -Steven Wright * "No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I think it was Einstein who first said: 'Expense equals salary plus forty bucks.'" --Jeffrey Jena * Texas A&M student to friend: "I got some bad news today: You know the money I get from those little ATM machines? It comes from MY account!" Q: Why doesn't Sweden export cattle? A: Because it wants to keep its Stockholm Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays awake all night wondering about the meaning of dog. -<>- \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ Mike Hertz >A Question To Colin Powell The Secretary of State, the Honorable Colin Powell, during a recent trip to the UN in New York was approached by an Iraqi news reporter, who asked: "Is it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can even find Iraq on the map?" The Secretary turned to the reporter with a smile and said: "Yes, that's true. But the sad news for Iraq is that the 13 percent are all United States Marines!" -<>- >The Secret Of How To Away From It All Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package." -<>- >A Groaner For Sure In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My dif- ficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N." -<>- ,,,,, \ e e\ C _\/ |\\, )\_) \_ / _/|/_ _// ,'\ ~ /'-,_/ \ / \_/ / / , | \_._,-" ( < _' | \ \ ', -',-~.-' _/ ) | |// | ' ' ) | | | | ._., - |.,_ // _\-' )___|__|_ '-._ b'ger /____\__\ >Geezer Exam 1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located ? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn 2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top. 4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps! 5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside 8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flattop haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot. c. Long pieces of twine 10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo 11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio 12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar 13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni 14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill 15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow 16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos 18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition 19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires 20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Zavier Cugat c. George Gershwin ANSWERS 1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron? 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. 4. a) Blackjack Gum. 5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. 6. a) 1946 Studebaker. 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. 11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! 13. c) Macaroni. 14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill. 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. 19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots. 20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today. (or bad, depending on your taste) See scoring below: 17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. 12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy. 0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime! -<>- ,--. \ _\_ _\/_|_\____.'\ -(___.--._____( \ \ \ \ `--' jg >Just A Day At The Airport Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!" The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman. -<>- >MISCELLANEOUS LAWS Perkin's postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit. First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Lewis' Law: People will buy anything that's one to a customer. Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation. Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life. -<>- >How Do You Feel Two cows were reading the ad on the side of a passing milk truck: Pasteurized, Homogenized, Standardized - Vitamin A Added. One looked at the other and said, "Make's you feel rather inadequate, doesn't it?" -<>- >Oh Noooo, Where are You Danny "Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16- year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!". From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. "It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room. -<>- | --====|====-- | .-"""""-. .'_________'. /_/_|__|__|_\_\ ;'-._ _.-'; ,--------------------| `-. .-' |--------------------, ``""--..__ ___ ; ' ; ___ __..--""`` jgs `"-// \\.._\ /_..// \\-"` \\_// '._ _.' \\_// `"` ``---`` `"` >Mine's Better Than Yours A couple of F-15's fighters are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the old transport plane to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas. After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate. "Just watch," comes the quick retort. And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level. After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, gota cup of coffee, then went into the back and used the restroom, Let's see you do that". -<>- >My Vanity License Plate While working as an agricultural inspector at the Arizona state line, I found that addressing people in an informal manner relieved their nervousness and minimized problems. One day when a car with the vanity license plate "TVECL" stopped for inspection, I approached the driver and said, "How are you, Mr. Tvecl?" "Your pronunciation is fine," he replied, "but that's not my name. I'm an optometrist, and those are the letters on the bottom line of my eye chart." -<>- >What If I Need More After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint- store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on. "Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked. "Don't come back here," he begged. -<>- | | / / \ / \__ ____ / / \ / \ | /| / | \ \ / |____________/ / | |_____________///////// < |____________| | |(______________ () \ | / () | () | | \\\\\\\\\ \| | __|__ | | _|___/___ \___ | | __---- ----__\---\_ / __ | _____________________ \____-------------______/ \ / \ / / / / _/ ---| it theemth | / \ / / / | i thlighly | / $ / / | mithtook | / / / | your meaning there, | | | / | buthtah !!! | \______________// \______________________/ \________/ unknown >Seven Degrees of Blondness * FIRST DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." * SECOND DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" * THIRD DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" * FOURTH DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." * FIFTH DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" * SIXTH DEGREE: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." * SEVENTH DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman." -<>- >The Class In CPR Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!" -<>- >My Boyfriend Meets My Parents One night a teenage girl brought her new boy- friend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?" -<>- m " m" " m m " m " "m " " "m m m " m " " " "m" " " "m m m m m " " " " " "m"m"m"m"m"m " m " " "m"m" "m"m"m"m"m"m"m"m "m"m m"m" "m m"m"m"m"m"m"m"m"m"m$"m $ " "m"m"m"m"m"m"m"m"m"m$" $m " "m"m"m"m"m"m$" m"m"m $ $"m"m"m"m$" m"m" "m m"m m "m"m$" m"m" "m $ $ $ $" m"m" "m " m "$m"m" m"m m"m $" m" $ $ $ $ m" m" "m" $ m" m$$ $ m" m$" $ $" m""$ $ """ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ unknown >Problem Solving When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint." -<>- _|_ | .-'''''-. .-' '-. .-' :::::_::::: '-. ___/ ==:...:::-:::...:== \___ /_____________________________\ ':'-._________________________.-'_ ':::\ @-,`-[-][-^-][-]-`,-@ / _| |_ '::| .-------------------. ||_ @ _| ::|=|* ___ _ ___ *|=|'.| | ':| |' ))_) )) ))_) '| |::.^| _:|=|' ((`\ (( (( '|=|::::::. _| || |' _ '| |:::::::. |_ |=|'1634 _( )_ 1789'|=|':::::. | || |' ( (_ ~ _) ) '| | ':::' |^||=|* ) (_) ( *|=| '::' | '-------------------' .::::' |_____________________.::::::' .'___________________.::::::'' |_______________.::::'':::''' .'_____________.::::::''::::'' .:::'''' LGB .'::::' .:::::''':. .:::::' >On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Weird Rainy Days 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rainyday2.html Kids On God http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kidsonGod.html All Occasion Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/allcar.html Road Train Trucks! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/roadtrain.html World's Fastest Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fastcars.html Advice For New Year http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/newyear.html Friends! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/friends.html Notes To God! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cnotes.html Wall Mural Art 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wallart3.html Balloon Party! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/party.html Auto Motorplex http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/automotorplex.html Elephant Hotel http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elhotel.html Chinese WalMart http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chinawalmart.html Great White Shark! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/greatwhite.html Ward's 1934 Wish Book http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wishbook.html -<>- Revisiting... >From Our Friend PatDeE :) Gene Kelly Tap Dancing in Roller Skates https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgAmXb5UZlY#t=40 --- ...Love It! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) I would imagine that it's incredibly hard to simply live in the same house with 11 other brothers and sisters, but these family members manage to do that, and a whole lot more. The Willis family members all have a great musical talent, and once they properly introduce themselves (which takes a bit of time) their combined family performance will delight you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7h8J48UXoBc These scary bridges are not for the faint of heart. Watch this video to learn about the wildest bridges in the world and find out how you can walk across them, if you dare! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OIHRh6dto8&feature=player_embedded If you live in the northeast, this kind of snowbank probably looks really familiar to you. But I've never seen anything like this funny cat moment! This hungry kitty won't let anything stop him from getting his food. Short video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=MtGog4Cb7RY --- ...Wowsers! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) Watch: Stealthy Octopus Leaps From Water and Attacks Crab http://tinyurl.com/kzde4vz Obama Quietly Changes The Definition Of 'Spouse' - Minutemen News http://tinyurl.com/o8c9p35 No Parole for Cop Killers http://www.odmp.org/noparole/prepare/6613 --- ...Amen! Thanks Melody! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "The post office just can't get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan - uninvent the Internet." -Jimmy Fallon "A new study has found that being good-looking can hurt a man's career because the people in charge of hiring see attractive men as a threat. So if you're a man who was recently hired for a new job, congratulations. You're hideous." -James Corden "Yale University's being pushed to modify a poetry course because students have complained that the content is too white. Students objected specifically to a poem called 'Ode to a Lost Prius in the Whole Foods Parking Lot.'" -Conan O'Brien "Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien "A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for teaching while drunk. Which is why an entire Earth Science class now thinks hurricanes are formed when rum collides with lime juice, passion fruit, and crushed ice in a hot pink souvenir cup from Senor Frog's." -Jimmy Fallon "New research came out that reveals that being attractive in high school leads to success later in life. So finally some good news for hot, popular teenagers." -Conan O'Brien >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $26 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe **********************************************************************