Born Between 1925 - 1980? .. :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! ================ "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ |). ____________ /| \ /) (\ / ,,____,, \:. ,| |__| [][][] |__|: : / [][][] \ : : ( |_ ! ( |< ejm / [][][] \ : : _____________ Please leave a / [][][] \ .. /[]_______oooo\ message at the =====|________________|==========|_____________| sound of the tone |)()()()()() *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2011 *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2011 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) I spent some time yesterday updating the Animation Gallery. I collect what is commonly known as 'Comments' and save them. Once I get a bunch of them, I clean my PC by getting them sorted, uploaded and useable in the Gallery. I Love You! I Love You! I Love You! I Love You! You I Love You I Love You I Love You I Y,d88b.d88b,I Love ,d88b.d88b, I Love,d88b.d88b,u I Lov,d88b.d88b,ou I Lo L88888888888 You I 88888888888e You I88888888888ve You 88888888888ove You u`Y8888888Y'Love Yo`Y8888888Y' Love Y`Y8888888Y'I Love `Y8888888Y' I Love e I`Y888Y'You I Love `Y888Y' You I Love`Y888Y'e You I Lov`Y888Y've You I I Lov`Y'I Love You I Lo`Y' I Love You I L`Y'u I Love You I `Y'ou I Love Y I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You You I Love You I Love You I Love You I -- 3-D Hearts by Lady Tyme These 'Comments' I originally called 'Words' before people started to call them Comments. There aren't that many U-Z animations so these Words help fill it up. Go there to find Comments - WORDS you are wishing to express to friends or relatives. It is the only group of Animations in the Gallery that you can click on the sided - W2 - and get a new page of the whole group of WORDS animations instead of viewing them one at a time. Animations - WORDS: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html -<>- >2 Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) We've got two super hotties today! One from both our friends PatDeE and Sandi! Sure to tickle your rib bones! Check it out here... _|_ | / \ //_\\ //(_)\\ |/^\| ,%%%% // \\ ,@@@@@@@, ,%%%%/%%% // \\ ,@@@\@@@@/@@, @@@%%%\%%//%%%// === \\ @@\@@@/@@@@@ @@@@%%%%\%%%%%// =-=-= \\@@@@\@@@@@@;%#####, @@@@%%%\%%/%%// === \\@@@@@@/@@@%%%######, @@@@@%%%%/%%//| |\\@\\//@@%%%%%%#/#### '@@@@@%%\\/%~ | | ~ @|| %\\//%%%#####; @@\\//@|| | __ __ | || %%||%%'###### '@|| || | | | | | || ||##\//#### || || | | -|- | | || ||'#||###' || || |_|__|__|_| || || || || ||_/` ======= `\__||_._|| || jgs__||_/` ======= `\_||___ Humor In Religion 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion3.html --- ...I loved these signs! Thanks PatDeE And Sandi! And One from our friend Linda. Another heart string tugger! Check this amazing story here... ,/ \. |( )| \`-._:,\ /.;_,-'/ `.\_`\')(`/'_/,' )/`.,'\( |. ,| :6) (6; \`\ _(\ \._'; `.___...---..________...------._ \ | ,' . . . . .`:. \`.' . . . . . . . \\ `. . . \ . . ..::: . :: \ . . . ..::::::::'' ': . || \ `. :. .:' \ '. . ;; `._ \ ::: ; _,\ :. |/( `.`::: /--....---''' \ `. :. :`\` | |:': \ `. :.\ | |' ; \ (\ .\ | |.: \ \`. : |.| | ) / :.| | |.| /./ | | |.| | / / | | | | | /./ |.| ;_;_; ,'_/ ;_| '-/_( '--' /,' SSt Deer Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/deerrescue.html --- ...An awesome one! Thanks Linda! ============================================================ >-->From TheFunnyBone: How Much Do You Make A Day? \\\\\\, _/'' \\\ A business owner decides to take a tour \ D around his business and see how things \_ / are going. He goes down to the shipping <\ />,_ docks and sees a young man leaning / \Y/ /` \ against the wall doing nothing. || # | | || # | | The owner walks up to the young man and says, || # | | "Son, how much do you make a day?" ||=[]=| | || |__| The guy replies, "150 dollars." //| | /||\ | | | The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him | | | $150, and tells him to get out and never ( ( | come back. | | | [_[___] A few minutes later the shipping clerk says jgs (_(____| to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?" =========================================================== +-- Even More Bizarre July Holidays --+ July 21 is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day July 22 is Ratcatcher's Day July 23 is National Vanilla Ice Cream Day July 24 is Amelia Earhart Day July 25 is Threading The Needle Day July 26 is All Or Nothing Day July 27 is Take Your Pants For A Walk Day July 28 is National Milk Chocolate Day July 29 is Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day July 30 is National Cheesecake Day July 31 is Parent's Day ============================================================== >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us, WE ARE AWESOME !!! OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!! Minnie Mouse c<> , ,CCC cC> ...: ... ,CCCC'CC> .::::`.ccCCCCC CCCCCcCC' :::'.cCCCCCCCCC CCCCCC-' `:'.CcCC`CCCCCC :: ,C`CCC',cCCCc ` ''.: .,. `CCCCCCCCCcCC ... ,cd ,ud$$$$$$$c `CCCCCCCCCC :::::::::::. ,c$$$,J$$$$$$$$$$$b `CCCCCCC' .:::::::::::::: ,d$$$$$$?$$$$$$$$$$$$L:..`''' : :::::::::::::::: .\.\`-,$$"$,?"=$$$$$$$$$$E :::`CCC : .::::::::::::::::: `/ ,,"?$h` =?$,?$$$$$$$$F ::::`CCC ::::::::::::::::::: . J.$$$:$$'d$h,"$ $$$$$$$$'::::::`CC,`::::::::::::::::: :::.`. F`""?;$'d$$$$h J$$$$$$$P :::::::,' `$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P,$c$$$$$$$ `$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$",$$$$$$$$F `?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$FF",J$$$$$$$F `"??$$$$$$$???",;d??$$$F".:. : =cddd??" `" . ::::::: .:`.:::: :::::'.::::::::::: Allen Mullen >To Those of Us Born between 1925 - 1980: At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please read what he said. Very well stated, Mr. Leno ~~~~~~~~~ \\ \\ \\\ \\\ \\ \\\\ \\\ \\\\\ \\\ \\\\\ \\\ \\\\\\ @@@ \\\ \\\\\\ @@@@@\\\ * \\\\\\\ @@@@ \\\ * * \\\\\\\\ @@@@@\\ * * * \\\\\\\ @@@@@@@@ * * \\\\\\\\ @@@@@@@@@ * * * * * * \\\\\\\\\ @@@@@@@@@@ */* \\\\\\\\ @@@ @@ @@ * / * \\\\\\\\\ @@@ \ / @ * / * \\\\\\\\\\@ @ - -' / \\\\\\\\\ c 0 0 / \\\\\\\\\ \ ~ / \\\\\\\\\ | C / / \\\\\\\\ / -/ (~) \\\\\\/ ) / / \\\\\\/ \ / / \\\\\// \ / / \\\/// )))) ) \ / / / // )))))))\ \/ / / ///))))))) \ / / //))))) \ / / /~)))))) ~ ( /))))))))\ \)))))))))) PROOF POSITIVE )) )) )))) There is )) ) ) | NOTHING ( | | like the power \ | | of a woman!! \ | | \ | | \ \ \ ) ) ) \ ' ' | | | | | | Peanut | | | | | | ( `-`** \ **) `''''' ( TINKERBELL ) TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!! First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, and tuna from a can. Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads. As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. __ ,::%%n ,-::%%%%%%=. /:::%%%(: "-:. ,:::%:%%%f: : f:::%:%%%%, ."`. i::::%%:%%%%, .',-t j::::::%:%%%%i 'i `i :::::::%:%%%%% :_-=". /:::::::%%%%%%%i t ,:::::::::%%%%%%; . ] f:::::::::%%%%%; ,.-= j,-""-. /::::::::::l%%%%f <--"/,' `. /::::::::::l%%%%;:: "`"," \ /:::::::::::l%%%;:-:__.," \ ;:::::::::::l%%%;::::: / : j::::::::::::l%%; ' ' . __,| :::::::;:-''" `. ,%8888&n j::::::' _. :`.n88%888&i |:::::+,-" ,- _.n%%%n.. :::<&88%888&b |::;+%%%n. ..:/ .n%%%%%%%%%. :::&888%888& |:/%%%%%%%8+:i +%%%%%*%%%o%%.::::&88%888& `j%%*%%%%*88%|.%%%*%%%%%%%%%%|::::&888%88&i `%%%%%%%%888888%%%%%%%*%%%%8::::::&88%88&H `%o%%%*%8o88888%%%%%%%%%888i::::/|&88%88&i `%%%%%%88888%%%88888888888;:::/ `888%888& `%%%8%%%%%%8888886888*88j::/ H888%88&h i%%*%%%%o%%88888888888i:/ `888%888& `%%%%%%%%%%%8888888888%Y H888%88&i \%%%%%o%*%%%8888888%%/ `888%888&. Jessica (1) `%%*%%%%%%%8888888%j LS H888%88&i \%%%%%%%%%%888888%f i8888%8&t We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing...that's why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. --And, we were OKAY. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. _ ( \ __ _)_\_ ' \;---.-._S_____2_ / / /_/ (______ __( _;-' = =|____._'.__ / _/ _ @\ _(@( '--.\ (_ / /\ _ =( ) ___ \\ / /\ \_ '.___'-.___~. '\ snd / /\ \__'--') '-.__c` \ | | .' )___'--'/ /`) \ / | |'-| _|--'\_(_/ '.' | | \_ -\ \ | \ /`) '._/ (_/ WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents. We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse. We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and -although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. __ _-==-=_,-. /--`' \_@-@.--< `--'\ \ <___/. The wonderful thing about Tiggers, \ \\ " / is Tiggers are wonderful things. >=\\_/`< Their tops are made out of rubber, ____ /= | \_/ their bottoms are made out of springs. _' `\ _/=== \__/ They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, `___/ //\./=/~\====\ Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. \ // / | ===: But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is, | ._/_,__|_ ==: __ I'm the only one. \/ \\ \\`--| / \\ | _ \\: /==:-\ `.__' `-____/ |--|==: \ \ ===\ :==:`-' _> \ ===\ /==/ /==\ | ===\__/--/ <=== \ / ====\ \\/ _`-- \/ === \/--' | \ ==== | -`------/`--' / \___-' unknown Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever. The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas. .-'"""'-. ,____|_______|____, '._____________.' REACH |.-- --.| FOR THE SKY! |(o) (o)| (| |) | U | __ | .___. | YOU'RE MY /||| | | FAVORITE |||| : : DEPUTY! | |/) `.___.' \ / __) (__ \/\ /\ \ / /\ \ \ /\ \ ^ / /\ THERE'S A \ \ / | |0_/\_ \ SNAKE IN \ \/ /| | \ /\ \ MY BOOT! \ / | |0//\\ \ \ \/ | / \ | \ \ |/ .-. \| / / .-'|-( ~ )-| / / HI! \ |--`-'--|/ / MY NAME'S WOODY! \ | | / \| | |/ | | | | | | HOWDY PARDNER! | | | | | | | | | |___|___| YEEEHAH COWBOY! `|---|---|' *| | |* |_._|_._| /' /|\ '\ SOMEONE POISONED jgs / /^ ^\ \ THE WATERHOLE! /__.' `.__\ We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. If YOU are one of those born between 1925-1980, CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ? ~~~~~~~ _,.----.. _________________________ ,-:::::::::::+ ________ | .::;;%%%%%%;:::::. | | ,:::%%%-'" "`-%;--::\ | | /:::;%%; .-":::::. | | (::::%%i _._i:::::::i | | i::::;%i ',, i:::::::[ | | ,:::::%%/ ,-o; ]::::::%| | | +:::;%;-' "" /%:::::%| | | ,:::;%i+==, ,+:::::::%%. | | ,:::;%%%%\"",-.-:::::::::::%%%. | | i::::%%%%%/:;:''"`:::::::::::%%%\ | | Y::::%%%%;'" ):::::::::::%%% | | :::::;-" ,:;::::::::::%%%i_| | _>n$6n. /:/:::::::::::/"...| | _,.nn$$$$88888i _,.-'" \;::::::/"` "":::::| | _.n$$$$$$$$8888888='" i::::::/.::::;::o88| |o8$$$8888888888P^;;+ ,'.---. `:;;;%j ::d88888888| ,o8888888888888P^".-+. ,::*:::: +%%%i :|88%%^"'.'| .8888888^^^''"" |%*::-.%:::::::i f | :|88%:.. . | ,888P'"| \%%%%%\%%%%%%%< j | :|88%: . | ,d888" | "-%%%%%$$$%$*%\ ; | :]88%:. . .| ,8^88" | \%%%%%%%%. i i::|888%: . .| " ` | `%%%%%%%%. \ j :|888%:....| | `-%%%%%%. \| :i88%%::%%%| | "-%%%%% + :|88%%%%o88| | +%%%%| ::888888888| | +%%] :|88888^^'_| | __,.---;;;;;--/:%. :i8+".-::::| | _.-::--':*::::::::::::i :`.-::;;;-:| | .-::::::*::::::::::o:::::[ ::::-%%%%%%| | +::::*::::::::::::*:::::;%%[ :|%%%%%%%%%| | \%%%%%%;;;;;::;;;+%%%%%%%%%| :|%%%%%%%%'| | i%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%i :|%%%%%%':.| | i%%%%%%%^'^%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%' :i^':.:.:-'| | Y%%[ :::::::::"""::::: :i:--""" .| | i%%j :,^.._ ___ : _.;:-| | |%%i :f%%%%%%% """""%. : .-:" | | i%%| :j%%%%%%%%\ %%) : i | | |%%i :|%%%%%%%%%% :%| : | | | i%%| `%%%%%%%%%%%\ ::t : | | | |%%i :|%%%%%%%%%%%\ :: [: | | | |%%% :`%%%%%%%%%%%% :: |: | | Jessica | i%%%i :|%%%%%%%%%%%\ :: |: | | (2) | LS |%%%%i :|%%%%%%%%%%%%% :: i: | | |___________|%%%%%__:%%%%%%%%%%%%%%\:_j__j________| The quote of the month by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us... go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us.... please pass this on. --- ...Those were the days.. Thanks PatDeE! =========================================================== >-->From ArcaMax Jokes: >Promotion Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while." The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky." "Good grief," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?" "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after." -<>- .-""`````````""-. /'-.___________.-'\ ; ; | __.......__ | |.-'` ~ `'-.| |::-.___~______~.-'`| ;:::::. ; \::::. / ':::::. .' `-:::::.._.-' | | | | | | | | | | | | jgs ___| |___ .-'` | | `'-. ( `"""` ) '._ _.' `"""""""""` >Water in the Glass A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say? The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets. The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power. The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected. The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year. The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything? The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?" The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid. The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it. -<>- ____ || | ||___| _)__<__ _ _ |____|__|:|___|:|_ | |_.---._|___| _ | o| | | |_o_| | || |/| |\| | |_||____|`\___/'|___| V _/-\_ fsc >More New Millennium Office Terminology STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. UMFRIEND: A personal relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend." UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.) XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him; He's 404, man." -<>- ,;;;, ;;;;;;; .-'`\, '/_ .' \ ("`(_) / `-,.'\ \_/ \ \/\ `--` \ \ \ / /| | /_/ |_| jgs ( _\ ( _\ #:## #:## #:## #:## #:## #:## #:## >I'm Tired I'm tired. For a couple years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. Boy Oh Boy . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working. -<>- >Warm Water Cure An elderly gentleman was having some physical problems, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor told the old gent that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week, the man returned for a follow-up visit to his doctor's office. The concerned doctor asked the old gent if he was feeling better. The man answered that he actually felt worse. Then the doctor asked, "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?" "No," replied the man, "All I could do was about fifteen minutes." -<>- THE ELEPHANT The elephant's got ___.---.___ a long trunk, he uses to .' ( ) '. get a drink. I can think ) /)' '( ) of one more use for it. ',_( ';-;'\_,' To check his |-| /(feet)\ (") (( don't)) stink !Well I had a go! PjP Phil >Yuma Fellow There once was a fellow from Yuma, Who told an elephant joke to a Puma. Now his skeleton lies Under hot western skies. The Puma had no sense of huma! -<>- _,--._ ,' `. |\ / ,-. ,-. \ /| )o),/ ( ( o )( o ) ) \.(o( /o/// /| `-' `-' |\ \\\o\ / / |\ \( . , )/ /| \ \ | | \o`-/ `\/' \-'o/ | | \ \ `,' `.' / / \. \ `-' ,'| /\ |`. `-' / ,/ \`. `.__,' / / \ \ `.__,' ,'/ \o\ ,' ,' `. `. /o/ \o`---' ,' `. `---'o/ `.____,' -shimrod `.____,' >Octopus Instruments A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to take her up to my boudoir as soon as I get her pajamas off!" -<>- .-'''''-. .' `. : : : : : _/| : : =/_/ : `._/ | .' ( / ,|...-' \_/^\/||__ _/~ `""~`"` \_ __/ -'/ `-._ `\_\__ /jgs /-'` `\ \ \-.\ >Wolf Man The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." ============================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From Our Friend PatDeE: Iranian Pastor Faces Brutal Choice: Reject Christian Faith or Die http://tinyurl.com/6yyr3zh --- ...Not a choice now is it? Thanks PatDeE! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is evil. -<>- >From Change.org: Caylee's Law After a jury acquitted Casey Anthony this week, more than 1 million people signed the Change.org petition for "Caylee's Law," turning collective frustration into a constructive movement. Legislators in at least 18 states plan on introducing Caylee's Law to make it a felony for parents not to report missing children, with more states on the way. One state representative told the press that the "petition forced action" in his state. One million people have joined together for change. Can you help make Caylee's Law a reality in all 50 states? Click here to sign the petition for Caylee's Law: http://www.change.org/petitions/create-caylees-law Thank you! --- ...This helps us to at least be able to give a little justice back to Caylee. May no child wind up like her, but if they do, at least, his or her caregiver{s} will have to account for it if they do not report it properly. -<>- {POLITICS] >From PatDeE: Boiling Frog Alert: Congress wants automatic wage deductions to pay down the debt http://tinyurl.com/64cne2k --- ...Interesting! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From the TeaParty.net: News Updates, Events, Facebook Rants http://tinyurl.com/68xrfqn -<>- >From PatriotUpdate: Obama Flashback: Raising taxes in a recession 'last thing you want to do' http://tinyurl.com/5vjtq4n -<>- >From VisionToAmerica: Boehner Blows Up Debt Ceiling Talks http://tinyurl.com/6l44pqj -<>- >From GrassFire: Today, President Obama engaged in the typical liberal class warfare while throwing down the gauntlet on the budget crisis. Obama rejected a "temporary" resolution to the debt ceiling crisis: "I will not sign a 30-day, or 60-day or 90-day extension." Obama also implied that ordinary Americans (i.e. you and me and the vast majority of citizens who oppose raising the debt ceiling) just aren't quite sophisticated enough to understand the crisis! That means our nation is facing a major economic showdown over the next three weeks that could determine the direction of our country for the next generation. Here at CWA, we are moving quickly to get the voice of conservative women in the midst of this debate. But I urgently need your help. FIRST... Please sign CWA's "Cut, Cap and Balance" petition demanding that Congress cut and cap spending and pass a Balanced Budget Amendment. This is absolutely crucial. We will be delivering these petitions in the coming days BEFORE the next crucial vote. Go here: http://www.grassfire.net/r.asp?u=44378&RID=31442036 SECOND... Alert your friends today and urge them to sign the petition. Forward this email to your friends or share on Facebook: http://www.grassfire.net/r.asp?U=44376&RID=31442036 This is a battle for the very heart and soul of our nation and now we know that the next few weeks will be pivotal. Please take action. Sign the petition. Share with your friends on Facebook. And access the resources above. Thank you and God bless you! --- ...I saw on Fox news a democrat councilman bringing up a question concerning our debt. He said, "what would Jesus do to solve our problem". Of course he wanted to say that our entitlement programs should be spared and more spending be done to help the poor and take from the rich - according to what he thinks Our Lord would do. I go to the bible and and see 'render to Caesar' - when it is talking about taxes. I can only speculate as to what Jesus would recommend to solve our problem. The easy solution would have been not to borrow in the first place but here we are. So, when in doubt, give it to God... Please Father guide our Congress during this trying time and help them with your great wisdom know what is best for America and how to solve this tremendous debt problem. We don't know for sure what Jesus would do, so please instruct them so they may know your Will and follow it through. In the name of Jesus Christ, we thank you, Amen. -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- N.Y. man swings at 7,000 pitches -------------- BABYLON, N.Y. - A New York state man who swung at about 7,000 pitches failed to set a Guinness record but succeed- ed in raising money for charity, a Youth League official said. Andrew Manzo, vice president of the North Babylon (N.Y.) Youth League, said league President Mike Filippone, 49, managed to swing at thousands of pitches for 13 1/2 hours, but fell well short of his goal of a 24-hour batting marathon, Newsday reported. "After 13 hours, the paramedics recommended that he stop," Manzo said. Filippone's attempt helped raise more than $4,000 for Schneider Children's Hospital in New Hyde Park, N.Y. Area residents were asked to pay $20 to pitch 25 baseballs to the father-of-four. Filippone told Newsday swinging a bat for 13 hours turned out to be a pretty tough challenge. "Every hour I would take a five-minute break and I would just think to myself, 'What was I thinking?'" Filippone said. -- 66 sleep in jail for fundraiser -------------- HILLSBORO, Mo. - A Missouri sheriff said 66 people spent the night in county lockup to raise money for a newly renovated wing of the jail. Sheriff Oliver "Glenn" Boyer said those spending Friday night behind bars at the Jefferson County Jail ranged in age from 18 to 82, with some being duped into participating by family and friends who gave initial false excuses for visiting the courthouse in the evening, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported. Boyer said reservations for the evening cost $50 for individuals and $90 for couples. "I never thought I'd get people to pay to get in here," Boyer said. +-- Man cited for re-enacting 'Old School' --+ LINCOLN, Neb. - Police in Nebraska said a man caught streaking in the middle of a road told an officer he was "re-enacting a scene from 'Old School.'" Lincoln police said the 23-year-old man, whose name was not released, was caught running nude in the road in the neighborhood of Third and Judson streets at about 1 a.m. Monday, the Lincoln Journal Star reported Wednesday. "I'm re-enacting a scene from 'Old School,'" officers quoted the man as saying in an apparent reference to a scene from the 2003 film featuring Will Ferrell's character performing a similar stunt. Police said the officer cited the man for indecent exposure and escorted him to his nearby home, where the officer spoke to the man's 19-year-old brother. "He's an idiot," the teen said of his older sibling. +-- Pet shop turns away drunks seeking pups --+ NEW YORK - A New York pet shop said it has instituted a policy of not allowing intoxicated customers to buy puppies. Fernanda Moritz, manager of Le Petit Puppy in the West Village, said the store sees a lot of drunk customers due to number of nearby bars and many of them seek to buy the puppies, which cost $1,200 to $3,000, the New York Daily News reported Wednesday. "It happens very often," Moritz said. "If the person is completely drunk, I won't sell them the dog... or I say they can't leave with the dog that day... I can see it in their eyes if they've been drinking." Moritz and store employees said drunken customers are more likely to experience buyer's remorse the next day when they realize the responsibility that comes with pet ownership. They said one woman returned a puppy she had named "Miller" after the beer she had been drinking the night she bought it. +-- Man sues over jail's porn ban --+ MT. CLEMENS, Mich. - A Michigan man who pleaded guilty to bank robbery filed a lawsuit against Gov. Rick Snyder alleging a jail's pornography ban is cruel and unusual punishment. Kyle Richards, 21, of Fraser, who has been in the Macomb County Jail since his bank robbery arrest in January and pleaded guilty to the crime Thursday, filed a five-page handwritten lawsuit June 10 in U.S. District Court in Detroit asking a judge to rule for jail inmates to be allowed to possess pornography as well as TVs, radios and video games, The Detroit News reported Monday. "Such living conditions have been used as a method of 'psychological warfare' against prisoners, in order to both destroy the morale of inmates and break the spirit of individuals," Richards wrote in the suit. John Cordell said state prisons allow inmates to possess pornographic materials including Playboy and Penthouse magazines. The pornography ban at the Macomb County Jail is a county policy, officials said. Richards has filed several lawsuits in federal court since last year, including at least three tossed by judges who called them frivolous. +-- Stuntman breaks forward jump flip record --+ DAVIE, Fla. - A Florida stuntman set a Guinness World Record in Florida for the longest forward jump flip with a flip spanning a distance of 19 feet, 6 inches. Robert Souris, 28, performed the stunt on his 13th try at the Florida Triple Threat All Stars cheerleading gym in Davie, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reported Tuesday. Souris set his record while wearing the blue costume of Zero G, a comic book super hero he created when he was 11. "Zero G defies gravity and that's what I try to do," said Souris, who set the record at 16 feet last year before a Texan beat him with a 19-foot, 2-inch jump. =============================================================== >-->From TheMouthPiece: Letterman's Top Ten Top Ten Things I Learned From "American Idol" ___ / _ \ | / \ | | \_/ | \___/ ___ _|_|_/[_]\__==_ [---------------] | O /---\ | | | | | | \___/ | [---------------] [___] | |\\ | | \\ [ ] \\_ /|_|\ ( \ //| |\\ \ \ // | | \\ \ \ // |_| \\ \_\ // | | \\ //\ | | /\\ // \ | | / \\ // \ | | / \\ // \|_|/ \\ // [_] \\ // H \\ // H \\ // H \\ // H \\ // H \\ // \\Elissa Potier // \\ 10. The camera adds 10 pounds to your mohawk. 9. Work hard and make sacrifices; you can finish in 7th place. 8. It's very important to "keep it real, dawg." 7. I should have gone for the Immunity Idol — oh wait, that's "Survivor". 6. On-camera Simon is a bit nasty, but off-camera, he's a total jerk. 5. Voting for yourself 100 times an hour causes some wicked carpal tunnel. 4. When you forget the words, just do this (Sanjaya belts out, "OHHHHHHH"). 3. Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" 2. Nothing. 1. America loves performers with bad hair — right, Dave? -<>- __ _.--._ _.-"-. .-" `"._ _.-```-._.-' `'.-' '. .-"". .-. .-. `-._.'_ .-' _ _ . ` .--. '-.-' | |_| | .--. | | .-. \ \ / /.-. .-./ /\ \ .--. .---. | _ |/ /\ \| | | | \ ` / | |/\| || || |/ /\ \| |\ \ | | | || || || |__ | | | | | |\ \/ /| || || || | '-' '-'\ \/ /|____|| '--.|_| | /\ | '--' \ \/ /| |/ / jgs '--' '----' '-' '-' '--' '---' >Hollywood Squares These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted like they are now. Or were they? If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes... You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries! In bowling, what's a perfect score? Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? Paul Lynde: Tape measures. When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? Paul Lynde: Make him bark. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army! Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why? Paul Lynde: He's out of town. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question. Which stays pregnant longer? Your wife or your elephant? Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it? Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? Charley Weaver: His feet. Do female frogs croak? Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water. ============================================================== >-->[An Et-Ahem!] From our Friend Del: ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw >Sex And Good Grammar For all my friends in the education field and those that want to be grammatically correct.... On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for his manly dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was there for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned," This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say “1-2-3." “When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say “1-2-3-4,” he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What’s the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. --- ...Oh My! TeeHee! Thanks Del! ================================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 65?" "Yes, I remember," I said. "Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108." -<>- _--_ dMb __(._ ) d0P < (D) .MP .~ \ /~```M-. .~ V Mo_ \ -------============((((}{) ( (___. {:)-./ ~._____.(:} '94 the wolfe / .M\ / "" \ | /\ | / / \ \ / / \ \ \__/ \__/ / / | | .^V^. .^V^. +-+ +-+ Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father's side, and half-Yankee, meaning their other set of parents came from an old New England family. My younger son looked worried. "But we're still a hundred percent Red Sox, right, Mom?" -<>- A man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store. After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again. He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one." "Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in." -<>- _____ / \ (____/\ ) |___ U?(____ _\L. | \ ___ / /"""\ /.-' | |\ | ( / _/u | \___|_)_| \| \\ / / \_(___ __) | \\ / / | | | | ) _/ / ) | | _\__/.-' /___( | | _/ __________/ \ | | // / ( ) | | ( \__|___\ \______ /__|____| \ (___\ |______)_/ \ |\ \ \ / \ | \__ ) )___/ \ \ )/ /__( -Michael Reeung- ___ | /_//___| \_________ _/ ( / OUuuu \ `----'(____________) Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bathroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.' And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.' At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!' Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions. -<>- Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied. "Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house." -<>- A woman walked into my father's carpet store. She'd just moved out of her parents' home and needed something for her new living-room floor. "Do you know how big the room is?" Dad asked. "Yes," she said. "It's 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide...and I wear a size 8." -<>- A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'" -<>- I'm looking for a Chicken. \ _____/\_/\______ "~~~,-.,~. ",~~~~" (, (, ) \ -="=-" \ / \ ,' ,.-: \ `,' `. ,~' ! \ -( :";|' ,+, ' \ \`' C_.',' '`---~--~" (PS) | John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say, 'well done'?" "Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment." ============================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: ( ) ~(^^^^)~ MAD COW? ) @@ \~_ |\ / | \ \~ / ( 0 0 ) \ | | Hey ---___/~ \ | | Hiya /'__/ | ~-_____/ | Doin? o _ ~----~ ___---~ O // | | ((~\ _| -| Oops! I mean MOOOOOOO!!!! o O //-_ \/ | ~ | ^ \_ / ~ | | ~ | | / ~ | | ( | \ \ /\ / -_____-\ \ ~~-* | / \ \ .==. / / / / | | /~ | //~ | |__| W< ~~~~ ~~~~ >Puns of the Weak I knew a girl who went to beauty college and flunked cosmetics. They let her take a make up exam. (Beckie Shiles) If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. (Bree Schultz) "Someday there will be a T. V. station that plays only music videos!" said Tom pre-emtively. (Stan Kegel) Microwave: One-millionth of a wave. (Jerlyn F.) , The magician searched his contract for an escape clause. (Jumble) Why didn't superman know he could fly? Because he didn't know his "Cape Abilities" (Daily Groaner) America was founded by four fathers. (Richard Lederer) A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew." (Herb Caen) Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution? (Groucho Marx) When the nearby property became a landfill, they ended up down in the dumps. (Jumble) How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. (Ron Klar) A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. (Douglas Helsel) The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts (Gill Krebs) "Thanks for getting me acquitted," Tom said without conviction. (Khatie) A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!" (Daily Groaner) You had better look out when you pluck Four leaf clovers, or else you'll be stuck. Poison ivy or oak On your skin is no joke. You'll end up with a rash of good luck. (Kirk Miller) During an especially trying time in the classroom, a teacher shrugged her shoulders and sighed, "C'est la vie." The pupils all shouted, "La vie!" (Richard Lederer) "I wished you lived on my street," Tom said ruefully. (Khatie) A cat was courting his favorite feline. I would die for you, he proclaimed. She replied, How many times? (Richard Lederer and James Ertner) We were being quizzed in bacteriology class about E. coli when the teacher hung a sign on the door: In Testin' (Deb Hayes) In jail, convicts use cell phones. (Pun of the Day) "My friend, Joyce, just moved into the apartment below us," said Tom overjoyed. (Steve J.) How long will it take you to finish this Guide to the Worlds Beers of yours? That depends on how many drafts I have to go through. (Bob Thaves) "Uh-oh, I'm out of fuel," Tom said aghast. (Weber & Bryan) Due to the high crime rates in wildlife habitats, campers and public officials now support forest rangers right to arm bears. (Cryptograms) Astronauts like to do launch. (Pun of the Day) In the winter, some horses are Friesian. (Pun of the Day) I remember my days with the school band. My friends used to call me 'Titanic'.because had a bit of trouble with the high Cs. (Gunjan Saraf) A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said, "Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street." The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!" (Humor Highway) A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time, called a four loaf cleaver. (Pun of the Day) Condense: Prison prom (Paul Dickson) Bach in an hour. Offenbach sooner. (Syman Hirsch) "I tricked you into buying magic beans," Jack conceeded. (Phil Hudson) At the party, the carpenter got totally nailed and lay on the floor, while the mason got stoned. (Steve J.) Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning? (Bill Rayburn) When the iron was invented there was a press conference. (Pun of the Day) -<>- >Why We Love Blondes! Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. { } } { { { } } } }{ { { }{ } } ( }{ }{ { ) .-{ } }-. ( ( } { } { } ) |`-.._____..-'| | ;--. | (__) (__ \ | (oo) | ) ) | \/ |/ / | / / -Felix Lee- (Decorative)- | ( / \ y' `-.._____..-' Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the blonde. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt." -<>- >A lot of Good...... Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?" "I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith. "And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two." "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith. "Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church." -<>- _...._ .'.o' o.'. /o o .o' o'\ |'.o 'o. o'.o| |o. o' o 'o .| \ o .o.'o'./ '._o__o_.' \ / || || || || || jgs || \/ >The Perfect Shot A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!" -<>- >The Texan v. the Irishman A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." -<>- This week I'm preaching on the value of Fidelity & Chastity. I came across this joke and wanted to share it with you. .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| | / :; \ | `(@))\ / \. . | | /! | \| ';; ))_/`-'/`_`., \. | | | ! | | ';(( | | ! `_ \ .| | | ! | | )) | | ! |.\_| | |/ ! | | (/ | | ! | . | | ! | | | | ! |~~~~' | ! | | | | ! | >SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once." --- You make the application. I obviously believe that love is the key component to a lasting marriage. Remember, if you can laugh at it you can live with it. Kevin Rayner Rochester, MN -<>- >Kids! The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Afghanistan and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 bin Laden's troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed Osama bin Laden's last ten with her bare hands. "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!" -<>- >The Dead Cat Test A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move." -<>- /\ _ / \ ...o ...o (_) / \ ...o / \_ /\ /\ _/ / \ /\ / \__ /\ /\ _ / \ / / # ## # #\#\_/ \ /# ## #\____/ \___ _/ \_/ \__/ _ \_/ #/ # ##/\###\###\#\####\/###/#\#####/#/\####\__/###/\\#######/#\#\##/##/ #/#\#\######\##\/\##\#/###/\\#/##/\#\/#\\####//#\##\#//#/\#\##/##### ##/\##\#\#####//##\######//#\###/##\/###\###/######/###/##\###\#/#\# /###\##\##\#/########\#/#######/###/#####\#/#####//##/#######\##\### __- .--~~~~~~~----~~-.__.00_ ____--- ____--- __ d o\ ____--- : . ~o -- : | ' ._'--`-' ___-- -- 9 l l j .--. } j \ Y ____--- o-" o \ | _/~~T-...---~" -. \ __-- _'. \___ | / \ | | / \ \ "._ `\ \_." \_;,, \_;,, \_;,, "-,;, ____..---~~ ~~~~~~~~ chs >THE STORY OF CLARENCE BIRDSEYE Clarence Birdseye was sure he would make something of himself. He was the son of a New York Supreme Court judge and the grandson of a successful inventor. However, by the age of forty, Clarence had not yet managed to find a successful career. In 1923 he began evaluating his talents and knowledge in the hope of discovering something he could do well. The idea he settled on was inspired by a practice he had seen some ten years earlier in Labrador. The Eskimos there placed their freshly caught fish on the sub-zero snow and froze them instantly. Months later, when the fish were cooked, they still tasted fresh. Birdseye did some extensive research and discovered that the reason the Eskimos' fish tasted fresh after lengthy storage was that they had been frozen so quickly. He consulted nutritionists and was told, "You've got a great idea." Birdseye worked on a technique to freeze fish quickly and by 1924 had perfected a device called a "belt froster." He received preliminary financial backing and built a freezer forty feet long. The enterprise he formed became known as General Foods Company. Although the quick-freezing idea had considerable merit and made sense for long-term food storage, Clarence Birdseye spent many years experimenting with various marketing approaches before frozen foods became commonplace in grocery stores. So the question is, have you ever stopped to think what ideas you have had in the past may be worth a second look? Don't grow discouraged. Andrew Jackson said, "Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in." You think about it! Warmly, Kevin Rayner Rochester MN -<>- _ _ .-""-. ( )-"```"-( ) .-""-. / O O \ / \ / O O \ |O .-. \ / 0 _ 0 \ / .-. O| \ ( ) '. _| (_) | .' ( ) / '.`-' '-./ | |`\.-' '-'.' \ | \ \ / / | / \ \ '. '._.' .' / / \ '. `'-----'` .' / \ .' '-._ .-'\ '. / |/` `'''''') ) `\| / ( ( ,\ ; \ '-..-'/ ; | '. / | | `'---'` | ; ; \ / `. .' '-._ _.-' jgs __/`" ' - - - ' "`` \__ /` /^\ `\ \( .' '. )/ '.(__(__.-' '.__)__).' >QUICKIES Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without spilling some on yourself. ^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\ Live a good and honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. /^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\ Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. /^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\ Forbidden fruits create many jams. /\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/\^/ Give God what's right, not what's left! "‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡""‡" HELPFUL HINT ~ No need to use all those chemicals when trying to get up black scuff heel marks. The toe, or heel, of your tennis shoe acts like an eraser on them. <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> WEIRD NEWS ~ David Schmidt, professor of mechanical engineering at the University of Massachusetts, was curious as to why the shower curtain moved inwards when someone took a shower se he took a $28,000 computer software model of spraying liquids and applied it to his mother-in-law's bathtub. Two weeks and 1.5 million calculations later, he discovered that: The water from the shower spray slowed down as it fell, the result of hitting the air. This process caused the air to become turbulent, actually forming a miniature storm system with low pressure at its center. The air pressure outside the shower, now higher than inside it, pushed the curtain in. <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> DID YOU KNOW ~ A quarter of the horses in the US died of a vast virus epidemic in 1872. <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> ___ __..--'' \ ___..--'' \ ___..--'' \ __..--'' \ \ __..--\ \ __..--'' __..--\-._ \ __..--'' __..--'' '-._ \ __..--'' __..--'' \ _..--\__..--'' __..--'' | / \__..--'' __..__ .' | __..--'' ''--..__.' \ __..--'' .:` `:. \ \ _..--'' .:` `:. | `. _.-' `:. \ `-.___.-' .-=-. | / .-=. / .--.\ .-=-. / / / /.-. \ | /####\| / .--.\ | | | | | \ \ \####// | /####\| / \/ / \ | `-.__.` \ \####// |/ / \ \ `--._...--. \| / `. \ \| / | \| | \ `-._ / `. `-.._ / `. _.:` `. __..--'' \ / | | LGB >GROWING OLDER Since I have grown older, Things have changed a lot for me; I have learned to make adjustments, And do things differently. For instance, now when I climb stairs, I hold on to the rails; I don't indulge in rich desserts, And I do not drink cocktails. I don't tote groceries in one bag, Now, I ask for two; I don't clean the whole house at one time, A room or two will do. It isn't just things physical, My thinking has changed as well; I don't read romance novels now, I think biographies are swell. I'm more selective with my movies, My music choice has changed a lot; Now I pick the slow and dreamy, And skip what others say is "hot." But, new thoughts now occur to me, Perhaps of another nature; From time to time I think about My guardian angel's stature. I thought that guardian angels Should match one's age in years; So they could truly understand One's joys and one's tears. Now, if that statement's really true, My angel's hair should be snow white; Her wings, most likely stiff from age, So she can't do angel flights. She probably wears bifocals, too, She may even use a cane; I suspect that her arthritis, May have made her sore and lame. But I guess she still can care for me, Since I don't go anywhere; I can not be too hard on her, So, no more wear and tear. For many years she's worked real hard, Watching me was quite a chore; And, while now I live so differently, I just might need her more. She'll be with me now I'm alone, She'll soothe my tired brow; She knows my pains and heartaches, And how much I need God now. Her line to God is still in place, And, though she's slow and fragile; She still communicates with Him, There's no need to be so agile. I think my guardian angel Has grown old ... along with me; And when my earthly ties are loosed, She will help to set me free. She'll take my hand ... we'll both go Home, Our trip will be first rate; Neither one of us will falter, We'll help each other find the Gate. <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> A bugler waking up camp Used a microphone and a big amp. He bugled so loud That it upset the crowd, But his instrument made a nice lamp! ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Strange Hotels http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hotel.html Garbage Truck Camper http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/garbage.html Amazing Horse Trainer http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/horsetrainer.html Signs For Woman http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wsigns.html Mule VS Lion! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mulelion.html Life's Little Oops 7 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops7.html Elephant Hotel http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elhotel.html Road Train Trucks http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/roadtrain.html Cat Spot Tips http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catspots.html Identity Theft 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/identitytheft3.html God's Water Paintings http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/water.html -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Mouse Wont Work http://www.buffaloschips.com/gjsksowl.htm Movie TV Bed http://www.buffaloschips.com/gjkeoel.htm M Rip It Up http://www.buffaloschips.com/gnzxjzkaka.htm The Flies In Florida Are Tough http://www.buffaloschips.com/gajskks.htm Dunk Shot http://www.buffaloschips.com/ghsasjs.htm card fag tower http://www.buffaloschips.com/fjmgjkdfslgf.htm card indyramp color http://www.buffaloschips.com/fkghjfglkhjfgh.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?" -Jay Leno "They say that if you break a mirror, you get seven years of bad luck. I broke a mirror once and all I got was seven stitches." -Craig Ferguson "Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." -Jay Leno "The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can't agree or they're looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families." -Jimmy Kimmel "Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving." -Craig Ferguson "Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off." --Buzz Nutley "I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan "There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex." --Bob Smith "Here in New York a museum will display over 200 brooches that belonged to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. It'll be part of a new exhibit called, 'Why Kids Hate Museums.'" -Jimmy Fallon "Barack and Michelle Obama met the queen of England. For a gift they gave her an iPod. She says it's so much nicer than the boom box she's been carrying around." -Jay Leno "Here's how bad the economy is lately: They're watering down the holy water at St. Patrick's Cathedral." -Dave Letterman "Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision." - Blake Clark "I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." - Thomas Jefferson >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************