Bye-Bye Plane And More! ... :) Shangy! >-->Hot Of The 'Shangy' Press: These two come from the inspiration of our friend Steve... This one came from a fwd from our friend Lee but I ultimately decided to do it up because I learned how much Steve loves cars. I figured there must be quite a bit of interest in them. He found this one a bit over the edge for him though and thought he was in a nightmare instead of seeing one of his beloved car shows! You'll see why when you visit ;) _......_ , __.-'\______\\'.______ >` '-`.--------'---`-`-`-. / .-. \________ "" .-. =\ jgs '---( o )------------( o )--' '-' '-' Amazing Car Show http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/carshow.html -<>- This next one is a fwd. from Steve. If you love animals, you'll enjoy this page... (`-'-,-. _. '._ (_ '.__.-, .-;`-.-`_..-' `\___-.(_ _.) a'-._ __ .' `\ .' ` ._^/ _..._.-' /`\ / ` _.' \ / ) (/ / ) |/ | | / ;-. ;\ /'-.__.| /-. \ / ) / | | '.\ / /| / \ | || | / / / | | / | || \ \ | | \_/ jgs )_`\ )_`\ )_`\ `""` `""` `""` Newborn Baby Moose http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moose.html ...Thank you Lee & Steve for sharing these with us! ================================================================ >-->From The FunnyBone: Where's Ya Bin? ____.-.____ [___________] Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for (d|||||||||||b) a long time and when he was offered the job at `|||TRASH|||` the council as a garbage collector he decided ||||||||||| to take it up. On his first day things were ||||||||||| going great until he arrived at one house and ||||||||||| noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. ||||||||||| Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good `"()"""()"` jgs job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bon on 'olidays," Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya idiot -- where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!" ======================================================================= +---------------- Bizarre Ad Translations -----------------+ Translating U.S. ad slogans into other languages doesn't always work... In China, a Coca-Cola ad used Chinese symbols to sound out "Coca-Cola" phonetically. The soda company withdrew the ad after learning the symbols "Co" "Ca" "Co" "La" meant "Bite the wax tadpole." In Brazil, an American airline advertised that its planes had "rendezvous" lounges, not realizing that in Portuguese "rendezvous" means a place to have sex. According to a book called The Want Makers, "In Taiwan, Pepsi's 'Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation' was reportedly translated on billboards as 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead.'" In French Canada, Hunt-Wesson attempted to use its "Big John" brand name by translating it into French as "Gros Jos," a colloquial French phrase that denotes a woman with huge breasts. When General Motors introduced the Chevrolet Nova in Latin America, it was obvious they didn't know their Spanish. Ads all across Latin America heralded the arrival of the new, reliable Nova, which in Spanish means "Doesn't go." [From Uncle John's 4-Ply Bathroom Reader] ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Steve :) .---------. _ |:: [-=-] | | | |_________| |~| |_| ,;;;, ,;;, I\ ,__//`\\\\__, / `\ I |{ // - - \\ } / '' ) I | ) \\_ = _// ( \_- __/ I |{___'-) (-'___}\____)-( I ||~/,'~~~~~,\~~|'---./ \ I \ // \\ | | \ \ I \/ // | \__/-/ I (/ (/ | |/|| I | | || / I | | || | I :-----_o_-----: || | I | /~~|===|~~\ | || | jgs I || |===| || ||_| /^\ "~ '^^^' "" ((__| >The Evolution of Treatments 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. -<,,>- _....._ _.:`.--|--.`:._ .: .'\o | o /'. '. // '. \ o| / o '.\ //'._o'. \ |o/ o_.-'o\\ || o '-.'.\|/.-' o || ||--o--o-->|Ordering Pizza in 2006 - has it changed? Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order." Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir." Customer: "The HSS, what is that?" Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time" Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "What? What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then." Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also." Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a 'cycle?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday." Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2004 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke". Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!" --- ...Good Ones! Thanks Steve! ====================================================================== >-->From Our Friends Del, Casey, & MrWu :) >IMMIGRATION LAWS ___, _.-'` __|__ .' ,-:` \;',`'-, / .'-;_,; ':-;_,'. / /; '/ , _`.-\ | | '`. (` /` ` \`| | |:. `\`-. \_ / | | | ( `, .`\ ;'| \ \ | .' `-'/ \ `. ;/ .' '._ `'-._____.-'` `-.____| _____|_____ jgs /___________\ THERE WILL BE NO SPECIAL BILINGUAL PROGRAMS IN THE SCHOOLS. *************** THERE WILL BE NO SPECIAL BALLOTS FOR ELECTIONS. ************** ALL GOVERNMENT BUSINESS WILL BE CONDUCTED IN OUR LANGUAGE. *************** FOREIGNERS WILL NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOTE NO MATTER HOW LONG THEY ARE HERE. *************** FOREIGNERS WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HOLD POLITICAL OFFICE. **************** FOREIGNERS WILL NOT BE A BURDEN TO THE TAXPAYERS. **************** NO WELFARE, NO FOOD STAMPS, NO HEALTH CARE OR OTHER GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS. ***************** FOREIGNERS CAN INVEST IN THIS COUNTRY BUT IT MUST BE AN AMOUNT EQUAL TO 40,000 TIMES THE DAILY MINIMUM WAGE. ***************** IF FOREIGNERS DO COME AND WANT TO BUY LAND, THAT WILL BE OKAY. BUT OPTIONS WILL BE RESTRICTED.......... YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED WATERFRONT PROPERTY. THAT IS RESERVED FOR CITIZENS NATURALLY BORN INTO THIS COUNTRY. ********************* FOREIGNERS MAY NOT PROTEST; NO DEMONSTRATIONS; NO WAVING A FOREIGN FLAG; NO POLITICAL ORGANIZING; NO BAD-MOUTHING OUR PRESIDENT OR HIS POLICIES. IF YOU DO, YOU WILL BE SENT HOME. ************* IF YOU DO COME TO THIS COUNTRY ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE HUNTED DOWN AND SENT STRAIGHT TO JAIL. **************** HARSH, YOU SAY?............ The above laws happen to be the Immigration Laws of: "MEXICO!" How about that for an eye-opener?!! -<>- _________________________ || || || || || ||, , ,|| || || (||/|/(\||/ || || ||| _'_`||| || || || o o || || || (|| - `||) || || || = || || ScS || ||\___/|| || ||___||) , (||___|| /||---||-\_/-||---||\ / ||--_||_____||_--|| \ (_(||)-| S123-45 |-(||)_) |"""""""""""""""""""""""""""| I hope this is all true!!! Those of us, that have lived, or still live in AZ, KNOWS Joe!!! He's great!! & the prisoners even like him, cause they don't want to come back.... THAT being Joe's point!! Don't like it here, don't come back! I AGREE WITH THIS SHERIFF......... We need more just like him in every State , in every prison . Update on Joe Arpaio TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO. HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER. THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY: Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona) who created the "Tent City Jail": He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but "G" movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then He Started Chain Gangs For Women So He Wouldn't Get Sued For Discrimination. He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court Order that Required Cable TV For Jails. So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel. When asked why the weather channel He Replied, So They Will Know How Hot It's Gonna Be While They Are Working ON My Chain Gangs. He Cut Off Coffee Since It Has Zero Nutritional Value. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This Isn't The Ritz/Carlton. If You Don't Like It, Don't Come Back." He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place. More On The Arizona Sheriff: With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports: About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment At The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued Pink Boxer Shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 Degrees Inside The Week Before. Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS. "It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace," Said James Zanzot, An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year. "It's Inhumane." Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 Degrees In Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear, But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes, So Shut Your Darned Mouths!" Way To Go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves. If you agree, pass this on. If not, just delete it. Sheriff Joe was just re-elected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona. --- ...Thanks Del! Yeppers - that is true! All about the man of the hour... http://www.mcso.org/index.php?a=GetModule&mn=Sheriff_Bio ================================================================= >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. .===. / ,,, \ .===. ( /6.6\ ) ////\\\ .===. )( _ )( ((/6.6\)) /_____\__ .===. ( ,'---', ) )( _ )( `\/6.6\/--` ////\\\ / (\-/) \ ((()---())) ( _ ) \/6.6\/ /_ /o o\ _\ / `@` \ ,'---', ( _ ) | _\ Y /_ | /\/ \/\ / _ \ ,'---', \(_ `~` _)/ \ | | / /_/ (_) \_\ / \ / / \ \ \| |/ \ | (_) | / /_/ \_\ / ()/^\() \ |_____| \|_____|/ \| |/ /. . . . . .\ |__|__| | | | (|_____|) `"`"|`|`|"`"` | | | | | | |__|__| |_|_| |_|_| \__|__/ |_|_| jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) "When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them. Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us." -<>- Over breakfast recently, my daughter, Beth, said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, as he went out the door, heading to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when Beth opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. My daughter couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. Then grinning like a Cheshire cat said, "Darling! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" ==================================================================== >-->From The Jokester: _ -=\`\ |\ ____\_\__ -=\c`""""""" "`) jgs `~~~~~/ /~~` -==/ / '-' What are My Choices? An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice." -<>- .'/ / / _____/ /___/| .'____'--'____- \ \ jgs '.\ It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied. -<>- The Secret of Success One day, a young man new to the company, crossed paths with the senior partner. "Sir," the young man said, "What's the secret of your success? How did you amass your fortune?" The senior partner put his thumbs in his cashmere wool, hand-tailored vest and said, "Well, it was during the great depression. I bought an apple for a nickel one day. I spent the whole day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime. The next day, I bought two apples, spent the whole day polishing them and at the end of the day, I sold them for 20 cents. By the end of the week, I made $1.60, which was a lot of money for those days." The young man, puzzled, asked, "Yes sir, but how did you get your fortune?" "Oh, the next week my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!" -<>- What a Coincidence This guy with a big, shiny black eye was sitting in the airport terminal waiting for his plane. Another guy with a big, shiny black eye came and sat next to him. The second guy looked at the first and said, "Wow! I see you have a black eye too. How did you get yours?" "Well, it was one of those tongue-twister situations. You see, I walked up to the ticket counter and the ticket agent had the biggest set of breasts I've ever seen. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, please,' it came out as 'I'd like a picket to Titsburgh, please.' She leaned over the counter and punched me right in the eye!" "What a coincidence!" the second guy said. "I got my black eye in almost the same way. You know, one of those tongue-twister situations. I meant to say to my wife, 'Can you pour me a bowl of Toasties, please?' Instead, it came out, 'You've ruined my life, you evil witch!" ====================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: + | /o\ |~| , | | , /\/ _ \/\ .-.-.-|| (_) ||-.-.-. | # # || _ || # # | jgs _| || ||| || |_ """""""""===""""""""" === Bulletin Bloopers AGAIN Everyone is asked to bring a jar of peanut butter which will be forwarded to Potter's House for distribution as part of the Food Baskets for greedy families during the month of June. The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who turned out Saturday to help with the groveling. A special thank you is extended to the members of the congregation who supported the dinner at the Community Outreach Center on Friday, May 11. Thank you for the generous amounts of food and to the shavers who came: We "raised the roof" both in monetary donations and excitement to help get started on construction effort. Thank you to the over 100 people who filled the Community Center to help us with our destruction fund for the new fellowship hall. Remember our time, talents and our financial resources are all gifts from God. Stewardship of these gifts is important. Praise God from whom all blassings flow! Are you ready for this? Invite some neighbors and come along for the Vacation Bible School picnic! Please register so we will have enough food on the clipboard in the fellowship hall. The new landscaping looks wonderful. Special thanks to the ladies who have been working in beds around the church grounds. === Copyright 2002 the Sermon Fodder List. This post is brought your way by Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day Ministries. To get a regular dose of Christian Humor and a Modern-Day Parable drop a note to Sermon_Fodder- subscribe@yahoogroups.com. Please leave this attached if you forward this to friends or post on a web page. ==================================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From Bizarre News: .------, =\ \ .---. =\ \ | C~ \ =\ \ | `----------'------'----------, .' LI.-.LI LI LI LI LI LI LI.-.LI`-. \ _/.____|_|______.------,______|_|_____) / / =/ / =/ / =/ / jgs /_____,' -- Mom: 'Bye-byes' got us kicked off plane --------- ATLANTA - A Georgia woman said a flight attendant kicked her and her son off a plane last month because the toddler kept saying "bye-bye plane" to another airplane. Kate Penland of Buford, Ga., said she was flying from Houston to Oklahoma City on June 16 on an ExpressJet flight that was 11 hours late when her son started saying goodbye to another plane they taxied on the runway, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported. A flight attendant, who had been giving safety instructions to passengers said, "It's not funny anymore. You need to shut your baby up," the Journal-Constitution. The flight attendant then told her, "It's called baby Benadryl," Penland told the newspaper. Penland said when she replied she wouldn't drug her child, the flight attendant had the plane return to the gate and Penland and her son were ordered to leave. Airline officials said they were investigating the matter, the newspaper said. -- Customer ends 'stupidity' bank robbery ---------- ATLANTA - A Georgia man's Marine Corps training helped him foil a bank robbery carried out by a bandit allegedly armed with a fire extinguisher. Police said Timothy Armstead followed the suspect out of the bank in DeKalb County Tuesday, put him in a chokehold and held him for police. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution said Armstead, 27, was already in a grumpy mood due to a discrepancy in his account, and blew off some steam by lecturing the immobilized robber. "What I did was something to stop all the stupidity going on," the former leatherneck told the newspaper. Police said the suspect demanded $2,000 from the teller, pulled the pin on the fire extinguisher and threatened to blow up the building. -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Baby born at Queens Midtown Tunnel A New York woman has given birth in the back of a minivan at the entrance to the Queens Midtown Tunnel, with help from a nearby police officer. "I said, 'Welcome to the world -- $4.50, please,'" joked Officer Thomas Gutterman, who delivered the healthy baby Rose Jocelyn Hernandez in just six minutes on Saturday, The New York Post reported. The mother, 24-year-old Merrietta Medina, and her fiance, 24-year-old Fernando Hernandez, were reportedly on their way to the hospital, but the baby did not want to wait. "In the car, I was thinking only about the baby," said Medina. Gutterman was summoned by the panicked Hernandez, who ran over to deliver the baby, the Post said. _ _ / \/ \-._ _.-'^'^^'^^'^^"^^'-. .OO.----'\o/\o/ `-' /^ ^^-._ ( ` \ | _ ^^-._ VvvvvvvVvv`___...)_/ /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/\ (__________^^-. jgs `^^^^^^^^` / / > > _`) ) (((` (((` `'--'^ Friendly sunbathing alligator found in Pa. Authorities in Norristown, Pa., are at a loss to explain where a 4 1/2-foot alligator came from before it was discovered last week sunbathing on a rock. While the reptile eventually was captured and now resides in the Elmwood Park Zoo, officials were left to speculate where the potentially deadly animal may have come from, The Philadelphia Inquirer said. "Obviously a pet gone wrong," animal control officer Shawn Tarman said. Buddy Mullen, a public-works director in the Warminster Township who gave the beast temporary shelter during its first night in captivity, said the gator was surprisingly friendly. "If you rub him underneath his neck a little bit, he likes that," said Mullen. The alligator spent the night in Mullen's bathtub before it was transported to the zoo in a children's pool Mullen set up in the back of his sport utility vehicle. The gator joins a tarantula and a king snake as some of the most unusual animals to have turned up in the region in recent weeks, the Inquirer said. Study: 1.8 million vets lack insurance A study presented in Washington found 1.8 million U.S. veterans under age 65 do not have basic health insurance or access to Veterans Affairs hospitals. The study, authored by Harvard Medical School Professor Stephanie Woolhandler and presented Wednesday to the House Committee on Veterans Affairs, said the number of uninsured veterans increased by 290,000 between 2000 and 2004, the most recent year for which data is available, The Washington Post reported Thursday. Woolhandler's study found that 12.7 percent of the nation's non-elderly veterans lacked coverage in 2004, compared to 9.9 percent in 2000. Veterans over the age of 65 are eligible for Medicare coverage. "The data is showing that many veterans have no coverage and they're sick and need care and can't get it," Woolhandler said. Woolhandler based her results on data collected from two previous surveys, the Current Population Survey administered by the Census Bureau and the National Health Interview Survey administered by the Department of Health and Human Services. ============================================================= >-->From JokeCentral: "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." GEORGE W BUSH ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^- Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers: Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale. Year old teacher needed for pre-school.Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. For Rent: room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Christmas taxable. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^- Monkey See Monkey Do. .="=. _/.-.-.\_ _ ( ( o o ) ) )) |/ " \| // \'---'/ // jgs /`"""`\\ (( / /_,_\ \\ \\ \_\\_'__/ \ )) /` /`~\ |// / / \ / ,--`,--'\/\ / '-- "--' '--' A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an CAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in CAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money." The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^- Kansas Crazy Law /| /\ // |/\'-'/ .::. /^Y^\::''. \_ /=| `' /`_)=( \ \ /=/'-/ {/ |/ \ jgs __\ _ /__ '----' '----' Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats. Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. No one may catch fish with his bare hands. The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks. If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. Dodge City It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk. All places of business must provide a horse water troft Lawrence All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival. .' '. __ . . . (__\_ . . . -{{_(|8) jgs ' . . ' ' . . ' (__/` No one may wear a bee in their hat -<>- RIDDLES FOR KIDS What do pigs use to write letters? A pigpen. (Jerome , 9) What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard. It's the best thing for a hot dog! (Jane, 8) What person is always in a hurry? A Russian. (Joseph Rosenbloom) Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up. (Ralph, 5) /'._ _, \ ;__.' } (`-._;-" _.--.}' /_' /` _} `. \_._.; '-.__ / jgs _/ `\ ^` ^` Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? She mislaid them. (Sydney, 8) What do you call a pretend railway? A play station! (Davey,11) Where do trout sleep? In riverbeds (Sarah, 9) How does a werewolf brush its hairy mouth? With a fine tooth comb. (Mike Benny) Part of a tooth of a child has broken off. What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth? Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. (Bree) What happens to little girls who swallow bullets? Their hair comes out in bangs. (Bennett Cerf) What did the boy say after his math teacher assigned four pages of homework. Boy, do I have problems. (Joseph 12) What happened when the two tornados met and fell in love? They had a whirlwind romance (Jason Dias) If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become? Wet (Eddie. 6) _ _ : `.--.' ; _....,_ .' `. _..--'"' `-._ : :_.-'" .`. : 6 6 : : '.; : : `..'; `: .----. :' ; `._Y _.' ' ; 'U' .' `. ; `: ;`-..___ `. .'`. jgs _: : : ```"''"'``. `. `. .' ;..' .' `.'` `.......' `........-'` What sign did the grizzlies put up? Support your right to bear arms (Jim Ertner) What people are like the end of a book? The Finnish. (Joseph Rosenbloom) How are a jeweler and a jailer alike? The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells. (Wendy) What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You are too young to smoke." (Rose, 10) Why did they give that guy a scholarship to baking school? Because he kneeded the dough. How did he do? He made the honor roll. (Naatali, 9) What did the flower say to its guests? You may be seeded. (Erick, 12) What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer! (Levi, 12) What did the thief do at the goose farm? He took a gander (Jumble) Why is it hard to count sheep and cows? Sheep are baa-d and cows keep moo-ving. (Ethan, 8) Why can’t you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg in Oklahoma? Because you need a camera, not a wooden leg (Wendy) What people travel the most? Romans. (Joseph Rosenbloom) What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? "Who said talk is cheap?" (Joseph Rosenbloom) Why did Dracula go to the doctor? He was coffin (Guadalupe, 7) What kind of electricity do they have in Washington? D.C. (Ariel) What is a geologist’s favorite kind of transportation? A rock-et (Betty Debnam) Carl the butcher wears a size 12 shoe, is 6 feet 3 inches tall, and wears a 42-long suit. What does he weigh? He weighs meat (LAB Laughs) What did Cinderella wear in the ocean? Glass flippers! (Ashley, 12) Are judges allowed to be sick? No, it's ill-egal! (Emily, 9) Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California? No, because he's dead. (Wendy) -<>- >The Cause of Arthritis A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." -<>- >WHO WILL TAKE GRANDMA? .---. (_---_) (_/6 6\_) ( v ) `\ /' .-'': ;``-. / \,Y./ \ / (:)___ \ : .-'XXX`-.`\_; `.__.-XXX-.__.'\_ / / XXX \ \ `\_ / XXX \ `\ / XXX \ _`\___ jgs / \ (`--"""-') / \ (=-=-=-=-) `--...___ ___...--' (________) ``` Who will take grandma? Who will it be? All of us want her, I'm sure you'll agree. Let's call a meeting, let's gather the clan, Let's get it settled, as soon as we can. In such a big family, there's certainly one, Willing to give her a place in the sun. Strange how we felt that she'd never wear out, But see how she walks, it's arthritis, no doubt. Her eyesight is fadded, her memory's dim, She's apt to insist on the silliest whim. When people are older they become such a care, She must have a home, but the question is where. .-. ,-"""-, / \__ \ | / `\ | \( ^.^ )/ \ - / .-'|;---;|-. (\/ ||___|| `\ \\__/ \__| C|`----`|D __//| | | |====( | | | | _/_/___.---- .===| |====\ /===. | ('------') ( '----' ) | jgs | | Remember the days when she used to be spry? Baked her own cookies and made her own pie. Helped us with lessons and tended our seams, Kissed away our troubles and mended our dreams. Wonderful Grandma, we all love her so, Isn't it dreadful, she has no place to go. One little corner is all she would need, A shoulder to cry on, her Bible to read. A chair by the window with sun coming through, Some pretty spring flowers still covered with dew. Who'll warm her with love, so she won't mind the cold? Oh, who will take Grandma, now that she's old? What? Nobody wants her? Oh yes, there is one, Willing to give her a place in the sun. Where she won't have to worry or wonder or doubt, And she won't be our problem to worry about. Pretty soon now, God will give her a bed, But who'll dry our tears, when dear Grandma is dead? --Author Unknown ================================================================= >-->From CupOfCheer: + A_ /\-\ jgs _||"|_ ~^~^~^~^ Church Lighting Several centuries ago in a mountain village in Europe, a wealthy nobleman wondered what legacy he should leave to his townspeople. He made a good decision. He decided to build them a church. No one was permitted to see the plans or the inside of the church until it was finished. At its grand opening, the people gathered and marveled at the beauty of the new church. Everything had been thought of and included. It was a masterpiece. But then someone said, "Wait a minute! Where are the lamps? It is really quite dark in here. How will the church be lighted?" The nobleman pointed to some brackets in the walls, and then he gave each family a lamp, which they were to bring with them each time they came to worship. "Each time you are here'" the nobleman said, "the place where you are seated will be lighted. Each time you are not here, that place will be dark. This is to remind you that whenever you fail to come to church, some part of God's house will be dark" That's a poignant story, isn't it? And it makes a very significant point about the importance of our commitment and loyalty to the church. The poet Edward Everett Hale put it like this: I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, But still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something I can do. What if every member of your church supported the church just as you do? What kind of church would you have? What if every single member served the church, attended the church, loved the church, shared the church, and gave to the church exactly as you do? What kind of church would you be? >From Cuo O'Cheer Compiled by: Kimberly B. Quiggle Available Free by E-mail five days a week. To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP O'CHEER in the subject line to cupocheer@sc.rr.com =============================================================== >--->From CleanLaffs: A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt." -<>- Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing that they could do. Like it or not he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends. One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window bearing in it's mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window. The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off. -<>- Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt hungry! But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6." -<>- [I know this is an old one but the classics never die...they just turn into eye-rollers.] .--. _/__ ) 0)0`>|_ /V\ \-_.-_ `; /'_/\_ /_. './ ;._ `/ `` | |^ '-;._ _.' | |^ ^ ||``` | .'| ^ ^|| | `'`|^ ^ ^|\__,.--;' | ^ ^ | | | ;^ ^ ^; | / \^ ^/\)| | | ^| | | /'-'\ \_ | / .. | |'- | |/ `\| | | | | _|,__| (_/ .' jgs (_.' A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!" Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?" =============================================================== >-->Fun Places To Net Visit: >From TheMouthPiece: A GHOST IN MY SUITCASE "A Ghost in My Suitcase is a travelogue of all fifty states in the USA, focusing on one particularly creepy spot in each..." If you are into stuff of the supernatural sort, you'll like this site! Visit: A GHOST IN MY SUITCASE -- THE OPEN MUSIC ENCYCLOPEDIA Musipedia is a searchable collection of tunes, melodies, and musical themes. A cool feature is the "Melodyhound" melody search engine. You can find and identify a song even if the melody is all you know. Visit: THE OPEN MUSIC ENCYCLOPEDIA -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: So In Love http://www.poetrybyken.com/lpoems33/So%20In%20Love.html Rocky Mountain High http://richards-creations.net/Pages/9/JohnDenver.html SwordSister's w/If I Could Never Talk to God http://domania.us/SwordSisters/Inspirations7/NeverTalk2God.html Carol w/ tears http://www.carolspoetry.com/tears.html To subscribe send a blank email to lynnlynns-links-subscribe@egroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Later this summer, the first ever gay debate will be held. Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Question No. 1: Why can't healthcare be more fabulous?" - Conan O'Brien "It was 194 degrees in Las Vegas today. All over town, women have been forced to take off their clothes and rub their bodies against cold metal poles just to survive." - Jimmy Kimmel "Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut feeling there could be a new terror attack. Coincidentally, Al Gore said he had a gut feeling that he needed more pie." - David Letterman Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. -- Gloria Steinem I wake up every morning determined both to change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning the day a little difficult. -- Elwyn Brooks White "Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that should ever happen – imagine what this place would be like if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?" --Jay Leno "Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien "It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman Be who you are, and say what you feel, Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ... Dr. Seuss Anyone who won't talk to God doesn't have a prayer. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUUSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Service You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: a href="http://tinyurl.com/2vrfzv">This Weeks regular Shangy emails ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN Liist Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 'BABES IN CHRIST','IN The Beginning', 'Crossing The Line','NEVER Give Up', 'FEAR - Feeling Kind Of Buggy', 'HAUNTINGS', 'Christianity And The Renewed Mind', or 'Curse Of The Law' --BE SURE TO Tell me which one you want oor you'll get them all :) >For a Lesson: Teaching ************************************************************************