Camping Tips, Sixth Sense And More... :) Shangy!
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~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This super flaming hot new page is from our friend PaTDeE.
If you are like me, you will find this stunning. It never
ceases to amaze me how awesome God's creation is! He gave
us such beauty and diversity. Truly wonderful! Be sure to
check this and its video out here...
__....__ _..-'"`""+"'-.
."`.._____`"-._ _.-"__...-----\""'\
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God's Most Beautiful 5!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mostbeautiful5.html
---
...So Awe inspiring! Thanks PatDeE!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
....
.: :..:::::'
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':::' .::.':: .'..::::::.
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.'.'' .':'::' LGB
.::' .''::
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'''.'
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked
in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without
batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it
in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from
the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know,
I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmm.
Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last
reindeer you'll see in here."
-<>-
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his
usual on time departure.
The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for
his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had
another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he
would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route
to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn
due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further
behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for
the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the
turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy,
I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have
given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise
problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"
The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you
have never heard two 747's collide!"
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
July 6 is International Kissing Day and National Fried Chicken Day
July 7 is Chocolate Day, Father Daughter Take a Walk Together Day
and National Strawberry Sundae Day
July 8 is Body Painting Day, National Blueberry Day and Video Games
Day
July 9 is National Sugar Cookie Day
July 10 is Teddy Bear Picnic Day
July 11 is Cheer up the Lonely Day, National Blueberry Muffins
Day and World Population Day
July 12 is Different Colored Eyes Day and Pecan Pie Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
_
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>Teenager
A 6-year-old girl and Mommy were talking.
6-year-old: I'll bet you can't wait 'til I'm a teenager.
Mommy: Actually, I can.
6-year-old: Why?
Mommy: Because I like you being sweet.
6-year-old: I'll still be sweet when I'm a teenager. I'll just have
an awkward way of showing it.
-<>-
>Baby Sister?
A five-year-old girl, an only child, spent the day playing next door
with two girls who were sisters. When she came home, she told her
parents , "I want a baby sister so bad. Please can I get one?"
Her parents looked at each other and laughed.
The little girl continued, "A sister would be fun."
"But if we have another baby, it could be a boy," added the mother.
She thought a moment and said, "Never mind. It isn't worth the risk."
-<>-
>Intercom Repair
My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.
One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him
that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about
filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.
She asked, "Is that okay now?"
"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."
-<>-
>Fast Bugs
Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge swarm of
gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the
windshield. "I can't get over how loud they are," my wife said.
"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed out.
Her reply left me speechless. "There's no way bugs can fly that fast!"
-<>-
>Found in the Attic
Mom and the kids had been up in the attic together doing some
cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her,
"Hey Mom, what's this?"
"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would
satisfy their curiosity.
"Well what does it do?" they asked.
"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper.
She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys,
leaving black letters of print on the page.
"WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool, but how does it work like
that? Where do you plug it in?"
"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."
"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.
"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.
"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented
this a long time ago!"
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
____
/ __\
|: /---) \ / ___
\:( _/ \ / /_ \
\ \ \/ \_\::)
\_ \ _0""0_ / _/
\ \/= \/ =\/ /
\ | (||) | /
\_\______/_/
__// \\__
/__//====\\__\
_ //__//====\\__\\ _
_ //__//====\\__\\ _
_ // /( )\ \\ _
_ / /( )\ \ _
|( )|
/ \
/ /||\ \
\:_/\_:/ S@yaN
11.11.02
>SMILES
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank
where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later
she went to the woods to set the poor animals free!
----------
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at
midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.
----------
She was so blonde...
When she drove to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home
----------
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I
was concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in
the darkness. So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put
on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing
lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but
then stopped.
I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver,
"Didn't you see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."
----------
Mark had an operation and was coming out of the ether. He looked at
the two other patients in nearby beds and said, "Thank God that's
over!" "Don't be too sure," said Benson in the next bed, "they left
a sponge in me and had to cut me open again."
Rankin in a bed on the other side of Mark added, "They had to open
me up too, just to recover one of their instruments." Just then the
doctor stuck his head in the door and called, "Has anyone seen my
cell phone?" Mark fainted.?
----------
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A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle.
He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A
genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie
said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant
you any wish, but I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted
to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly -
airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that
water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be
built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't
think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider
all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would
have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the
pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is
one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, when they want
attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want
two lanes or four?"
---
..Oh My! HaHa! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
.----------.
| .------. |
| | | |
| '------' |
LGB | |
'----------'
>SIGNS
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS
A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR
OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT S%X, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER
FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
S%X IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
---
...Oh Gee! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
|\ /| |\ /|
| \ / | |\\ //|
| | | | | \| |/ |
\ | | / \ || || /
\ |_| / \||_||/
.' '. .' '.
| | |o o|
/ \ /= Y =\
`'-. .-'` `'-.^.-'`
_| |_ _| |_
/` `\ /` `\
| / \ | | |
|/ \| | ( ) |
/ \ /\ \ / /\
| .-~-. | | '._)_.' |
\ { } / \ /
jgs \ '-=-' / \ '.___.' /
.--' ;---; '--. .--' \---/ '--.
`-------' '-------` `-------' '-------`
Do you ever find yourself chasing strands of wet hair or
running into dust balls in the corners with your sponge or
cleaning rag? You can eliminate this nuisance by vacuuming
the bathroom before you get out your cleaning solutions.
For a really thorough cleaning, start at the top, vacuuming
the dust from light fixtures and the top of window casings.
Then work your way down. And finally, vacuum the floor
methodically so you cover every inch. You don't want to leave
any stray hair or dust bunnies to muck up your cleaning
water. A soft-bristle upholstery brush works best for this
type of vacuuming.
-<>-
Do you make your bed every morning? You should...
There's a reason the Marines start the day with this simple
task - also known as "wake and make."
According to retired Admiral William H. McRaven, author of
"Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life -
and Maybe the World,"
"It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will
encourage you to do another task and another and another.
By the end of the day, that one task completed will have
turned into many tasks completed."
-<>-
To freshen up the exterior of your home, don't spend a
fortune at the local nursery. Instead ask family and
friends for trimmings of their plants. Many perennial
plants and bulbs can easily be divided and shared.
Transplant the ones you like best into your own yard.
-<>-
Vacuum large area rugs at least once a week. But also take
them outside three or four times a year for a more thorough
cleaning. Drape them over a fence or clothesline and beat
them with a broom or tennis racket. A good beating removes
much more dust than vacuuming. Take smaller rugs outside for
a vigorous shaking every week.
-<>-
Kool-Aid to the Rescue
Get rid of dishwasher gunk and odors with Kool-Aid.
Fill the dishwasher dispenser with a packet of lemonade
Kool-Aid or any powdery drink mix that contains citric
acid. Run the empty dishwasher for a full normal cycle
to remove gunk, lime and rust stains as well as odors.
-<>-
Everyone likes their home to smell good.
Candles and room sprays can get very costly especially if
you have to buy them multiple times a month. Again, basic
items like baking soda can reduce odors in carpets and
fabrics.
A small pot of cinnamon and vanilla extra simmering on the
stove can make the house inviting to visitors.
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Trump ad - video
https://facebook.com/senatorsez/videos/143412283619522/
Trump campaign set to hold outdoor rally in New Hampshire 7/11
https://tinyurl.com/y9gtu6cq
In the Aftermath of George Floyd’s Death, God Proves He’s More
Powerful Than Any Protest
https://tinyurl.com/ydbhhdn2
SCOTUS gives Indiana pro-life laws a second chance
https://tinyurl.com/ydglsy5c
Trump’s Re-Election in Jeopardy by Big Tech’s Increased Efforts to
Censor Conservatives
https://tinyurl.com/y7hgk9xr
Democrats Set up NYPD for Failure
https://tinyurl.com/y75tkzls
The 8 Times Dr. Anthony Fauci Changed HIS Story
https://tinyurl.com/yaa7nfvw
It’s Time America Wakes Up To The Inaccuracies Of WHO - they
have led the cattle to slaughter- and President Trump knew it
all along.
https://tinyurl.com/yd557zpn
Kanye West Announces He’s Running For President
https://tinyurl.com/yb47k7hu
Experimental drug Trump frequently touts helped COVID-19 patients
survive, study claims
https://tinyurl.com/ybsxwoej
No one reached out to them - Then Trump Soothes Grieving Family
After Anarchist Violence
On the day he buried his 19-year-old son, who was gunned down in
Seattle’s lawless ‘CHOP’ zone, Horace Lorenzo Anderson Sr. got a
phone call from President Trump, who had been moved by his heart-
wrenching appearance the night before on 'Hannity.'
https://tinyurl.com/ycms3klm
Westwing News:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/westwingreads/
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Trump Women Daily:
https://theusawire.com/category/womens-empowerment/
From ReliableNewsNow: Virginia Officials Want Removal of American
Flag
https://reliablenewsnow.com/
Latest EpochTimes: We Want Unity’: Trump Says in Salute to
America Speech
https://tinyurl.com/yd684xmb
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
Latest Product Alert: Salad, Oils, Pet Food
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Latest Health Alert:
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Click to Give Free
https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
What do you do when you REALLY need to get to the bar, but
it's 15 miles away and you don't have any transportation.
Well, if you're this innovator you don't hitchhike, or call
an UBER, or even steal a car. No, if you're going to make
it to the bar you're going to make a statement while doing
it in a stolen fire truck.
An Alaska man stole a fire truck from the King Salmon Fire
Station and drove 15 miles with lights flashing to a bar
where he was arrested, police said.
Dawson Cody Porter, 22, used a piece of lumber to break a
window of the fire station and made his way inside the
building around 9 p.m., the Bristol Bay Borough Police
Department said in an online statement. Once inside, Porter
started a fire truck and drove it THROUGH the
station's closed bay doors. Police Chief John Rhyshek said
no one was in the building when Porter broke in.
Porter switched on the fire truck's emergency overhead
lights and headed west toward Naknek, 15 miles down the
Alaska Peninsula Highway. Rhyshek estimates that Porter
was driving the fire truck for less than a half hour before
he parked in front of the Fisherman's Bar.
Unfortunately, the hero never made it inside. Two Bristol
Bay officers made contact with Porter before he got out of
the fire truck and he was arrested outside the bar, Rhyshek
said.
It's unclear why Porter stole the firetruck and headed to
the Naknek bar, but Rhyshek said the investigation is
ongoing. In total, Porter caused roughly $10,000 worth of
damage and made it so the firetruck, which is valued at
about $100,000, was out of service temporarily as it awaited
necessary repairs.
-<>-
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't return,
try to climb down its chimney and MAKE it love you!
That might have been what one woman was thinking when she
was discovered stuck in the chimney of a Southern California
house and had to be rescued.
Ventura County fire Capt. Ron Oatman says firefighters
responding to neighbors' reports of a woman crying had to
chisel away much of the chimney and lubricate it with dish
soap Sunday to free 30-year-old Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa.
She was arrested on suspicion of illegal entry and giving
false information to police.
Police say Nunez-Figueroa knows the owner of the home, who
wasn't there at the time. They wouldn't elaborate, but
according to video the homeowner identified the woman as
someone he met online and had dated. He told local news that
he cut off their relationship.
I wonder why?
She had no clear injuries but was taken to a hospital for
evaluation.
"I hope she gets help, I hope she stays offline," he said.
*--- Alleged drunk driver thought jail was a bar ---*
Police in Michigan said an alleged drunk driver pulled into
the county jail parking lot and thought she had arrived at
another bar. The Van Buren County Sheriff's Office said the
39-year-old Hartford woman, whose name was not released,
pulled into the county jail parking lot just after 2 a.m.
Sunday and was seen trying to convince her boyfriend to get
back into her vehicle. Deputies said the woman smelled
heavily of alcohol and a breathalyzer test indicated her
blood alcohol content was more than twice the legal limit
of .08. Police said the woman admitted to investigators she
had been out drinking at a bar and she had believed the
parking lot was for another bar. The sheriff's office said
the woman is expected to face drunken driving related
charges.
*--- Grandma got gored by a bison ---*
A 72-year-old California woman trying to take photos of a
bison was gored by the animal at Yellowstone National Park,
park officials said. The woman, who was not identified,
"sustained multiple goring wounds" and was flown to an
Idaho hospital. She "approached within 10 feet of a bison
multiple times to take its photo," the park service said
in a statement. The bison most likely felt threatened after
being repeatedly approached, Yellowstone Senior Bison
Biologist Chris Geremia said in the statement. The park
urges people to stay away from wildlife and to keep at a
minimum of 25 yards away from animals like bison and elk.
"Bison are wild animals that respond to threats by
displaying aggressive behaviors," Geremia said in the state-
ment. "If that doesn't make the threat (in this instance it
was a person) move away, a threatened bison may charge."
Bison attacks on humans have occurred in Yellowstone before,
including just last month. They are massive animals, and
bull bisons can weigh up to 2,000 pounds. A bison can run
at speeds up to 35 mph, the park says.
*--- Lawsuit: Man awoke from surgery in pink panties ---*
A Delaware man's lawsuit alleges he awoke from anesthesia
after a colonoscopy procedure to find he had been dressed
in a pair of pink panties. The New Castle County Superior
Court lawsuit, filed by attorney Gary Nitsche on behalf of
Andrew Walls, 32, said Walls was employed by the Delaware
Surgery Center in Dover when he underwent a colonoscopy
procedure at the facility in 2012. Nitsche said his client
was put under anesthesia during the procedure and he awoke
after surgery to find someone had dressed him in pink
women's underwear. "When the plaintiff initially presented
for his colonoscopy he had not been wearing pink women's
underwear and at no time did the plaintiff voluntarily,
knowingly or intentionally place the pink women's underwear
upon himself," the lawsuit states. Jennifer Anderson,
director of the Delaware Surgery Center, declined to
comment Wednesday. "We just found out about this yesterday
afternoon," she told the News Journal. The lawsuit, which
also names the Eden Hill Surgical Group of Dover, alleges
Walls suffered "severe emotional stress," and Nitsche wrote
his client is seeking compensation for mental anguish, lost
wages and loss of earning capacity.
*- 'Merman Mike' recovers $17,000 ring from bottom of river -*
A California diver known as "Merman Mike" plunged into the
Sacramento River and was able to recover a lost ring worth
$17,000. Mike Pelley, who uses the alias "Merman Mike" said
he was approached by a man named Bill Fitty who heard about
his underwater exploits and needed help finding a lost item.
Fitty said that he had dropped a ring into the Sacramento
River that was worth about $17,000. Pelley said his first
dive came up empty, so he dropped a brick into the water in
the same spot where Fitty lost the ring, so he would have a
better idea of where to look. Pelley surfaced from his
second dive with the ring in his hand. Fitty said he wanted
to reward Pelley with $1,500 to buy an underwater metal
detector for future dives. Pelley said the metal detector
will help him on the search for two wedding rings he has
been trying to find for their owners.
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
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>"Weird Stuff I Overheard In The Office".
Prepare yourself for some doozies!
1. The closet does not smell like a restaurant.
2. I don't even know how to use a urinal.
3. Your bowling talk is the most disgusting of all the talk.
4. How many toes are in a pickle?
5. By Friday, someone is pulling it.
6. I'm not a good read lipper.
7. You can't eat beer.
8. Is a phoenix a real bird or is it mystical?
9. Do you ever wonder where snot comes from?
10. I like art when it's artful.
-<>-
>The Best Part of Old Age
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
-<>-
>How Much Do You Charge?
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much
do you charge?"
The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions."
"Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" The man asks.
"Yes," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
-<>-
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>I Can't Take This Sitting Down
Biff: Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?
Webster: Why?
Biff: Because she can't sit down.
-<>-
>Q and A Quickies
Q: What's red, white, blue and green?
A: A seasick Uncle Sam.
Q: Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
A: Because freedom rings.
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim
across a pool?
A: Clever Dick!
Q: Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A: The Tooth Fairy!
.-=--.
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Q: What do you do when two snails have a fight?
A: Leave them to slug it out!
Q: What do you call an American drawing?
A: A Yankee doodle!
Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?
A: Nothing. It just waved!
Q: What's red, white and blue?
A: A sad candy cane!
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
.---------------.
/ oLo \
O/_____/________/____\O
/__________+__________\
/ (#############) \
|[**](#############)[**]|
\_______________________/
|_""__|_,-----,_|__""_|
| | '-----' | | APC'97
'-' '-'
During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the
television set in our employees' lounge. As the commercial
extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that
there was no such thing as "extra" money.
"Yes, there is," my supervisor retorted. "It's what you
have right before your car breaks down."
-<>-
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a
fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and
holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps
away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her
chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the
man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the
woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of
sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight
ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and
worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the
table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon
me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No,
unfortunately, she just walked in."
-<>-
One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to
my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her
poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look
at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever
heard me say a bad word about him?"
-<>-
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong. While passing through
a Jewish neighborhood he was surprised to see a synagogue.
He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a
Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting
his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the
Chinese rabbi said...."You're a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
-<>-
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a
loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked,
"How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised
their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your
husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some
couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and
text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another
person, and to read aloud the text message they received,
in response.
__i
|---|
|[_]|
|:::|
|:::|
`\ \
\_=_\ jsm
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. You're kidding, right?
8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you
need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for,
someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
(my favorite)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
-<>-
Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches
long?
A: Because otherwise it would be a foot.
-<>-
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
-<>-
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all
the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she told me she's never playing Scrabble with
me again.
-<>-
( ,&&&.
) .,.&&
( ( \=__/
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>Camping Tips
Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?
A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men,
as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are
required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent
engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual
weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a
hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.
Q. Where should I go camping?
A. The United States has a spectacular national park system
with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected
by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial
facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-
ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch
gaps between the Winnebagos.
Q. How much food should I take?
A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family,
but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy
in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized
by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being
awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window
to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian
minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a
baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.
Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the
raccoons.
Q. What if I get lost?
A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen
very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That
is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.
=========================================================
>-->From TheJokester:
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Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by
mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked
around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet...
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but
still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello - we're
all down here...."
-<>-
_
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>Sixth Sense
Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is
no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's
lives almost better than they do. Why is this?
In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do.
It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle
from seemingly unconnectable pieces.
...That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the
shower!
-<>-
>(An Et-Ahem!) Your Brain On Drugs
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court on Friday in front of the Judge.
The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use
and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in
court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles ! like this:
O o
....and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and
the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable!" said the Judge.
To the second boy the judge said," And you, how did you do?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles...
o O
...and said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your A
before prison..."
=========================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for
six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the
seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm
going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance.
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For
example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. The
Middle East over there will be a hot spot," God continued,
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large
land mass with oceans as it borders and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "that's Florida, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people
from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and
they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and
they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers
of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and
everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Florida!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending down
from the North every winter!"
-<>-
Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her
constant complaints about nonexistent illnesses, so he started
palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy.
One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor
prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was
real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack.
On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock.
Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the
cemetery.
The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin,
followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do
you have anything for worms?"
-<>-
___,
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jgs /___________\
>You live in...
You live in California when:
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell him how
long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away
it is.
You live in New York when:
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire
State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a
map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You live in Alaska when:
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. S%xy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
You live in the Deep South when:
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here,
are ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue,
Betty Jean, etc.
You live in Colorado when:
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and
he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
You live in the Midwest when:
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It
was different!"
You live in Florida when:
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses
and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
-<>-
From Tony. I'm delighted to include it. I was on an adoption
waiting list for NINE YEARS to get the wonderful privilege of
raising a biracial infant. (Shara)
Hard to believe this was written by a black guy in Texas.......
so funny.....
* '''`````'''
*
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THHHi:, `GHHHHH,. .'HHHHH
`THHHHHHi\WHHHHHkoo....ooooojHHHHHHF
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`*THHYHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH}
Art by `*THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH}
Sanfu `THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHP
`THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH|
When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored?
-<>-
('(
\ \ " Help !!! Alligators...."
d@b | |
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('( Y@P `--..
\ `--' .' `.
`---....__/ |
/ . \ /^^^^\
/ .'\ \ /^^\________/0 \
\ \ \ \ ( `~+++,,_____,,++~^^
-unknown- \ \ \__\ ...V^V^V^V^V^V^\..........................
_`--` `--' Allen Mullen
`---'
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one
turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be
so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same
size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the
door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of 'em,
and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See,
by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer,
there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
-<>-
_____________
| | \
| PAMPA | |
| * | |
| | |__
| | __ \______
| |/ \_____ |_________________
| O \___________________/ \
| \\*****; \ \
| \\***********; \ \
____________| \\************;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; \ \
/____________| \\***** ***; ; | |
\ \\*** *; ; \ \
| \\*** * ***;________________; | |
\_ \\*** ****;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; | |
|_ \\***********;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; _|_|
| \\*.***;*****;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; _/_/
\ \\ ******;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; _/_/
\ ____ \\ ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; /
|_/__/ \ \\ / /
\ \\ / /
\ \\ _ /_/
\ \\ / /
\ \\ _ / /
\ | |
\ / /
| / /
\ / /
| \ \
\ | |
\_ | |
\_ | |
\__|/
>Houston rules
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Hugh-stun,
not Howstun.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has
its own version of traffic rules.... Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. They
all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... that
has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
"Scenic Drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday
morning.
6. If you actually stop on a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
7. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five
when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any
cross-traffic's way. Of course, you will be honked at frequently.
8. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native.
9. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life
and a permanent form of entertainment.
10. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh we must
be in Pasadena!!!."
11. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect.
12. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillac's have total
right-of-way.
13. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85. Anything less
is considered downright sissy.
14. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
15. Never honk at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker
that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at
anyone.
16. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60-mph
zone, that's not a finger waving Hello to you as people pass.
17. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
18. If it's only 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Wild Kisses And Snuggles 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildkisses2.html
Kisses Sweeter Than Honey!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kisses.html
Cute Little Ponies!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/littlepony.html
Thank You Lord!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/thanks.html
Running Horses!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/runninghorses.html
Awww Animals 9!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals9.html
Animal Friends 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalfriends3.html
Play With Harley!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/harley.html
We Three Friends!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/threefriends.html
Light Bulb Illusion Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lightbulbart.html
Amazing Horse Trainer!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/horsetrainer.html
Breeze And Buttons!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/breezeandbuttons.html
Among The Orchids!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/orchids.html
Cano Cristales River!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cristales.html
Cool Optical Illusions!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/optical.html
Beautiful Rare Flowers!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rareflowers.html
Graffiti Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/graffiti.html
Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/toothpick.html
Chalk Art 9!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart9.html
Holland Parade Of Flowers!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/flowerparade.html
Germany's Chrysanthemum Festival!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/germanyfestival.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
Experience a marvelous birds-eye view of some of the most
beautiful scenery in America.
https://youtu.be/KcuDdPo0WZk
“God Bless The USA” performed by Lee Greenwood, Home Free, and
The Singing Sergeants in this wonderful music video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs0fxy8rHo8
Take a look at the beauty of America as The Charlie Daniels Band
sings their song “My Beautiful America” in this entertaining music
video. The United States is a vast land and there are so many
beautiful places to see.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2AEkfjc6-o
---
...Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"According to a new study, American fathers are spending
more than twice the amount of time with their children
than they used to. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new
trend called 'unemployment.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Today, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced
after 30 years on the bench, he's retiring. He's 81 years
old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe
all day to sitting around in a robe all day." -Jimmy Fallon
"A Minor League Baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling
a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies.
And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a
cry for help." -Jimmy Fallon
"Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some
New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called
clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey
rivers, you're probably not big on warnings." -Seth Meyers
"The temperature hit 112 in Beverly Hills yesterday. That's
dangerous. Experts say the best thing you can do in heat
like this is take a screen shot of the weather app and post
it to Facebook. That way if you die, you go out with some
likes." -Jimmy Kimmel
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels
like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a
gorilla. -Jim Bishop
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy!
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http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
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words) out to all self-subscribed readers and $5 more will give you
the same message also put up for all web site readers.
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-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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