Cerebral Jokes, Just Thinking And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->2 Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) ) ( ( ( ) ) " ( ) " | | | (( )) | )) )) ) // )) ( ) / / ( ( ( | .( \ \ ( ( ( ) ) ) )) ( ( ) '.' '. " .' / ( \ ) \ .' '._.' '._ ) ) : '' _.oooooo._ _.oooooo._ '' / ) .odOOOOOOOObo.odOOOOOOOObo. | / dOOOY dOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOb ( OOOY dOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO \ dOOY dOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOb OOO dOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOOb OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY YOObdOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOxXY "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOxXY" "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAoS" YOOOOOOOOOOOOOxXXXY "YOOOOOOOOOxXXXY" AoS "YOOOXXXXY" ""Y"" These too hot to handle goodies is from our friend Linda. If you are looking for a good place to go to be with your love or just want to see some really cool hot spots, these pages will suit you just fine! Turn on your sound and enjoy! Romantic Getaways! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/romantic.html Romantic Getaways 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/romantic2.html --- ...Aww, so dreamy awesome! Thank Linda! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Hiring A New Cashier .::::, {{{{{;}}}} The bank manager was in the final stages of {{{{/ `}}}}} hiring a cashier and was down to two final {}}}}} _ _| applicants -- one of which would get the job. {{(`--(./-\.) {| _\ | The first one interviewed was from a small | \ __ / college in upstate New York. A nice young man, | '.__/ but a bit timid. .'` \ |_ jgs '-__ / `- Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called." Jim answered" I don't care ...Yim ... or Mr. Yonson." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day and National Pharmacist Day January 13 is International Skeptics Day and Make Your Dream Come True Day January 14 is Dress Up Your Pet Day January 15 is National Hat Day January 16 is Appreciate a Dragon Day and National Nothing Day January 17 is Ditch New Years Resolutions Day January 18 is Thesaurus Day and Winnie the Pooh Day -The Birthday of Winnie's author A.A. Milne ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: .-""""-. |== ==|-. |~~ ~~~|`\\ |LILILI| || | |// | |/ | | jgs __|______|__ [____________] >At the Gas Station I was pulling into a gas station one day when I saw a woman drive off with the nozzle still in her gas tank. She jerked the nozzle right off the hose. Realizing what she had done, she pulled back in, took the nozzle out of the tank, and put it back on the pump. Then she went inside to straighten things out with the management. While she was inside, a young man pulled up to the pump. He took the nozzle, with no hose attached, into his tank. He couldn't seem to figure out why he wasn't getting any gas. He even took the nozzle out and repositioned it in the tank a couple times. I thought about pointing out the obvious problem to him but then decided that he'd be embarrassed enough when he figured it out on his own. -<>- >Charm Bracelet I was reminded of my younger days when I came across my charm bracelet one morning. I decided to wear it to school, thinking it would do the same for some of my teacher colleagues. However, the bracelet fascinated my students. One of my fifth grade students watched the shiny, jingling items on my wrist for a few minutes, then put his hand up and asked, "Are you on a major medical alert?" -<>- .::. _()_ _::_ _O _/____\_ _/____\_ _ _ _ ^^__ / //\ \ / \ / | || || | / - \_ { } \____/ \____/ |_______| <| __< \___/ (____) (____) _ \__ ___ / <| \ (___) | | | | (_) |___|_| <| \ |_| |__| |__| (___) |_|___| <|______\ / \ / \ / \ _|_|_ |___|_| _|____|_ (_____) (______) (______) (_____) (_______) (________) (_______) (________) (________) /_____\ /_______\ /________\ /_______\ /________\ /________\ __By Alefith 22.02.95__ ------------------- >Chess Playing Dog A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five." -<>- >First Date Two men are talking. One asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours. What are you going to do when she starts to date?" The other says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison.' " -<>- >Tickets A highway patrolman friend of ours had stopped at our cafe for coffee and was getting ready to leave. "Go out and get'em!" I said. "I suppose everyone gets a ticket today?" "I don't really give out many tickets," he said seriously. "Oh come on," I teased, "you'd give your own mother a ticket." "No, my mother never drove a car," he said, still serious. Then a grin spread over his face. "I did catch her jaywalking once." he said, "and I issued her a warning. But that's all." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) ____ .-'& '-. / \ : o o ; ( (_ ) : ; \ __ / `-._____.-' /`"""`\ / , \ /|/\/\/\ _\ (_|/\/\/\\__) |_______| __)_ |_ (__ jgs (_____|_____) >Cerebral jokes Sometimes humor is the best way to drive a point home. It can communicate ideas that are lighthearted or serious. In a Quora thread, users answered the question, "What are some of the most profound jokes ever?" Their responses touch on heavier topics like death, philosophy, and religion. Many of the punch lines are comments on how people live or instructions on how they should live. Here are some of our favorites: * A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!" —;Vinaya Patil * A boy and a man sit on a couch together. The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age either." —;Akshat Anand * A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." —;Amori Adesque --- ...TeeHee - Sounds like Obama * A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?" —;Ahmet Kasan * An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right." —;Sai Kishore K * An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life." The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise." The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years." "But what then?" The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions? Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends." —;Andrew Udell * A masochist asks a sadist, "Please hurt me." "No," replies the sadist. —;Arnon Mishkin * "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within." —;Liam Gorman * I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers. —;Ren Walker * An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan on the telephone. "So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says. "Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says. "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says. "Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says. Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" —;Sagar Shukla * A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up. —;Saurav Maheshwary * A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." —;Salil Gupta * A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second." —;Mark DeBolt * Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How's the water?" The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the heck is water?" —;Craig Weiland * Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse! Optimist: Oh, Yes, it can! —;Bharat Jakati --- ...LOL! All good ones! Thanks PatDeE! ======================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) (.,------...__ _.'" `. .' .' `, `. `. ` . .' .'/''--...__`. \ . .--.`. ' "-. '. | '' .' _.' .()) .--":/ ''( \_\ ' (()( ''._' ( \ ' ' `. `--' ' `.: . `-.___.' ' `. . _ _ .' ) .____.-' .'`. (--.. .' \ /\ / / `. .' \( \ /|/ `. .' \__/ `. / | o | \ | | | jro >Smart Boy - Things that sound dirty but are squeaky clean... A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?" Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5th grade!" Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office. While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agree Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test Principal: "What is 3 x 3? Jerry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Jerry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Jerry both agreed. Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Jerry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Jerry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Jerry: "Pants." Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Jerry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Jerry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Jerry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Jerry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong." --- ...HaHa! Thanks Louisea! -<>- `-=-.______ |\ ____ ____ \\ .---\ ,='`=. /._||___\ / \ / ,-=-. __ ,='`=. ,-=-.||| // \\---..--./|| || // \\\ \ // \\ // |||== ||____|| || ' ||____|| || O |||\\ ||____|| || ||| |.----.| || |.----.| || ||| \\ |.----.| || //| ,|| || || || || \\ //|| || || || `=._,='_`_-_/__\ /__\ /__\ /__\ /__\ `=_='/__\ || /__\ /__\ |/ ___ ___ |\ _____ _____ /\ |\ __ ______ \ \ / /,-=-. /._||____,-=-.\ ,-.\ \ ,-.\ `' || // \ .---\ ||\\_//||// \\---..--.// \\|| // || /< |\ ||/< || || \_/ ||| O || || '| O |||/< ||//\\|| |,'\\ ||== || | ||| || || || ||,'\\ |,' ||| || \\ || || | ||\\ // || \\ //|| \\ || //| || \\ || , /__\ | /__\`=_=' /__\ `=_='/__\ \\/_`_;='__Y__\ \\/_`_-_/ | _ __ _ `-' `-' _ - _ - - _ - _ - _- _____ -_ - _ /\ __ _/ __/ __ /\ _ ___< \/ // _/ \ \/ >___ __< < < |/ / | > > >__ <_ < <\/ ,--==--. > > _> <_ < \\ |___ ___| / > _> <_ \\ \___><___/ _/ _> - <_ \\ |..'`..| / _> - <_ \\ `""""' / _> _ _,-'=- \""/ -=`-._ _ _,-'_ "" _ `-._ (((____) (____))) - \ \ / / - \_\__.-==-.__/_/ /``(( ))''\ - ( ||`--'|| ) - \ | | | | / _ \| | __ | |/ _ | |/||\| | - | |||||| | - _ | |||||| | _ __ /\ | |||||| | //\\ || - | |||||| | - // \\|| _ \_||||||_/ _ \| //|| - |||||| - _// || _ |||||| _ \/ \/ |||||| __ __ __ cjr \||||/ \/ \/ \/ A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down. At the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest Biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!" --- ...LMAO! A good one! Thanks LouiseA! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Linda :) ____ /(( )) ( )6 6( ) (_) l (_) \ <> ) ____) (_____ ( \____/ ) ) ( )( ) ( / / \ / \ \ / / \ / \ \ \ \ )==( / / \ \ / \ / / '\\/ \//' '|\` '|\` \ / \ / ) ( jgs/akg / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ `-...., ,..-' `-..-' >Just thinking... Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller! Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet! The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about! I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks! Old age is coming at a really bad time! When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation! The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap! I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work. If mother nature wanted me to touch my toes, she would've put them on my knees. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes". I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week. When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"? I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it! Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it certainly can muffle the sound! Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. --- ...LOL! Thanks Linda! ========================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: Life isn't always easy in China. But even if you are working 70 hours a week for 90 cents an hour, things can always get worse. Like it did for this poor construction worker. A builder who broke both his arms and legs after falling off a construction site survived for nearly a week by drinking his own urine. Friends of Yang Hsieh thought he'd quit his job at the building site in Hunan province, central China, but the 28-year-old had slipped and plunged 65ft, shattering his limbs and breaking his mobile phone. Unable to move or phone anyone he tried calling out for help but no one heard him. Builder Fai She, 32, said: "At first we thought he was off sick. We tried calling him but the phone was constantly off and by day four we thought he must have found work somewhere else. We had no idea he was lying on the ground below us." Yang was eventually found six days later when a passerby heard his cries for help. He was taken to hospital where doctors say he is now making a full recovery. --- ...Wow! People are tough in China! *-- Indian public employee fired for 25-year absence --* NEW DELHI (UPI) - A senior official with India's Central Public Works Department was fired after he failed to show up for work for 25 years. Urban Development Minister Venkaiah Naidu issued an order Thursday to terminate the employment of A.K. Verma, a former executive electrical engineer with the department. The firing came at the end of an inquiry that heard Verma went on leave in December 1990 and had not reported for duty since then. The inquiry heard Verma sought repeated extensions for his unsanctioned leave and refused orders to return to work. A previous inquiry accusing him of willful absence from duty in 1992 was delayed when the engineer failed to cooperate with the investigation. "Owing to non-cooperation of Mr. Verma with the inquiry and for other reasons, it got delayed and a fresh charge sheet was issued in 2005. The inquiry report, establishing the charges was submitted in July 2007 and the same was accepted by the then-Minister of Urban Development in August 2007. But no further action was taken in the matter," the Ministry of Urban Development said in a statement. The case was brought back to light when Naidu took office last year and ordered a review of pending disciplinary cases. It was unclear whether Verma collected paychecks from the Central Public Works Department during his absence. *-- Prosecutor: Carjacker offered to return vehicle for $50 --* CHICAGO (UPI) - Prosecutors said an alleged carjacker in Chicago contacted the vehicle's owner and offered to sell the 1998 Chevy Malibu back to her for $50. Assistant State's Attorney Erin Antonietti said Jereh Brown, 24, received a ride in the victim's car from a friend of the owner Dec. 26 and he forced the woman out of the driver's seat while the car was stopped. Antonietti told a Wednesday hearing Brown contacted the owner of the car, a 19-year-old woman, Monday and offered to sell the 1998 Chevy Malibu back to her for $50. The woman arranged to meet with Brown and contacted police to accompany her to the chosen location, the prosecutor said. Police found Brown hiding in a closet in a home at the location of the arranged meeting just before 10 p.m. Monday and he was arrested. Investigators found a key to the car inside the home where Brown was arrested. Brown was charged with vehicular hijacking and possession of a stolen vehicle. He was released on electronic monitoring. *-- Prison for millionaire who collected welfare --* DEEPHAVEN, Minn. (UPI) - A Minnesota man who collected more than $167,000 in welfare benefits while he had more than $3 million in the bank was sentenced to 21 months in prison. The court heard Colin Chisholm, 63, and his wife, Andrea, 54, collected more than $167,000 in medical and food assistance claims in the seven years leading up to March 2012 and investigators later discovered the couple had more than $3 million in the bank and lived in a $1.6 million mansion in Deephaven. The couple, who once claimed to be Scottish nobility and went by the titles "Lord and Lady Chisholm," were also found to own a luxury yacht worth millions on Lake Minnetonka. Judge Lois Conroy handed down a 21-month prison sentence despite state sentencing guidelines calling for probation. Conroy agreed with prosecutors that prison time was called for due to the severity of the welfare fraud. Chisholm was also ordered to pay $167,420 in restitution following the completion of his prison sentence. "This is a fitting end to a crime that never should have occurred," Hennepin County Attorney Mike Freeman said after the sentencing. "We are pleased with the sentence and believe it is one of the longest ever given in the state of Minnesota for welfare fraud." Andrea Chisholm pleaded guilty in August to aiding and abetting wrongfully obtaining public assistance. She was sentenced to one year and one day in prison. Freeman said she was less culpable for the fraud because Colin Chisholm was the one fraudulently signing documents. *-- $500,000 scratch-off 'winner' told ticket was 'misprint' --* ROSWELL, N.M. (UPI) - A New Mexico man said his elation at winning more than $500,000 from a lottery scratch-off ticket turned to disappointment when he learned it was a misprint. John Wines, a recent retiree from Roswell, said he bought the scratch-off in December from a local Shell station and he scratched the ticket to reveal five winning numbers, two of which were each worth $250,000. Wines said he took the ticket -- which has a stated maximum prize of $250,000 -- back to the gas station to show how he had somehow managed to win more than $500,000. "I took it back in and she told me that is not a winner," Wines told KOB-TV. "They told me that it was a misprint and they don't pay off for misprints." Wines contacted officials with the New Mexico Lottery and received a reply via email. "We did find a flaw in that particular pack of tickets and it's been reported to our printer. Thanks for bringing this to our attention. I did complete a reconstruction of your ticket and it was not a winner," the email read. Wines said he was crushed by the news. "If it was $50 or $75, I would not think a thing about it," he said. "But this is $500,000. That's a half million." "It's like I told them, I didn't misprint it. I bought the ticket in good faith thinking if I won I was going to get my money. And they told me no, they absolutely, positively told me no." The New Mexico Lottery offered Wines $100 worth of tickets as compensation. Wines said his wife, Maria, who once won $100,000 from the Indiana Lottery, told him to put the incident behind him. "She told me to forget it," he told Fox News. "She said they're never going to pay me." ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: _|_ | / \ //_\\ //(_)\\ |/^\| ,%%%% // \\ ,@@@@@@@, ,%%%%/%%% // \\ ,@@@\@@@@/@@, @@@%%%\%%//%%%// === \\ @@\@@@/@@@@@ @@@@%%%%\%%%%%// =-=-= \\@@@@\@@@@@@;%#####, @@@@%%%\%%/%%// === \\@@@@@@/@@@%%%######, @@@@@%%%%/%%//| |\\@\\//@@%%%%%%#/#### '@@@@@%%\\/%~ | | ~ @|| %\\//%%%#####; @@\\//@|| | __ __ | || %%||%%'###### '@|| || | | | | | || ||##\//#### || || | | -|- | | || ||'#||###' || || |_|__|__|_| || || || || ||_/` ======= `\__||_._|| || jgs__||_/` ======= `\_||___ A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub. The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled, clawed and tore at him, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face. Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist." -<>- Contrary to popular belief, most blondes do indeed know the value of a dollar. The other day a blonde from Atlanta had her car break down. The tow truck driver charged her $65.00 to take the car to the garage less than 10 miles away. When she told her husband that evening, he said that the driver had taken advantage of her. She said, "I thought so. But I made him earn it. I kept the brakes on all the way." -<>- Following is a selection of posters that are parodies of the Motivation posters that are so popular in offices these days. Quotes with very appropriate and inspiring pictures... Incompetence: "When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your effort, there's no end to what you can't do." Arrogance: "The Best Leaders Inspire by Example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too." Fear: "Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at Sea." Sacrifice: "Your role may be thankless, but if you are willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who out- last you." and my favorite right now... Irresponsibility: "No Single Raindrop believes it is to Blame for the Flood." -<>- Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course. The professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!" When my sister's husband died, she went to the bank to put his affairs in order. The young clerk looked up their joint account and then asked, "Which of you is deceased?" "My mom had a weekly court and we'd get tickets during the week. On Saturdays, my dad would be the judge and mom would be the prosecutor. We could state our case, but she was like MATLOCK - she always won!" -- MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE dad BRYAN CRANSTON recalls his own childhood. -<>- Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time. Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?" After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now." -<>- Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!" -<>- A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot." -<>- I graduated from a private school that I didn't like much. Once I was out of there, I had no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive or athletic events. Sure enough, Alumni Affairs staff called my folks, got my current number and tracked me down. 'So, what have you been doing with yourself?' the perky alumnus asked. I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just stealing cars and selling drugs." They've never called back. -<>- On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door." After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire." -<>- Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) _,,,_ .' `'. / ____ \ | .'_ _\/ / ) a a| / ( > | ( ) ._ / ) _/-.__.'`\ ( .-'`-. \__ ) `/ `-./ `. | \ \ \ jgs | \ \ \ \ |\ `. / / \ >Sisters A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligation of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober face upon her daughter. "Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.....Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. You'll need other women. Women always do.? "What a funny piece of advice!" the young woman thought. "Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple- world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!" But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after the other, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned: THIS SAYS IT ALL: Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end. BUT......... Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did. --- ...Awww, how sweet! Thank You Geniann! I didn't have much luck with my sister or some of my close woman relatives and friends but two who never let me down were God and Jesus Christ! Even when I made them leave, they were still there for me waiting for me to come back to them. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Balloon Party 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/party2.html Dolphin Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dolphinrescue.html Extreme US Spas! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/topspas.html Breeze And Buttons! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/breezeandbuttons.html Paper Sculpture Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/paper.html Life's Little Oops 11! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops11.html Got A Nanosecond 4! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano4.html All Occasion Cakes 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/aocakes3.html Amazing Trivia Facts! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/triviafacts.html Cool Optical Illusions! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/optical.html Legrand's Whimsical Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/legrandart.html There's Something About Mona 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/monalisa2.html -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) Death Keeper http://deathbeeper.com/8937801.html Pen Pals, snail mail, crafters http://www.friendship-by-mail.com/ Play Super Stacker 2, a free online game on Kongregate http://www.kongregate.com/games/inXile_Ent/super-stacker-2 Cube-It - Flash Game http://www.gamingdelight.com/games/cubeit.php Helping Shower Homeless http://viralcharge.com/helping-the-homeless-with-free-showers/?ref=0 --- ...Cool! Thanks Melody! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) This teenage singer's voice is so good that some of the judges got goose bumps. Both the judges and crowd exploded with applause when she finished.Find out why. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qG46wqZG9Dk This talented magician pulls off a pretty impressive card trick right before your eyes. But, that's not all he does. Find out all the ways he tricks you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=v3iPrBrGSJM You have to be a pretty good waiter to pull off the tablecloth trick. Or you could just have a really fast BMW Motorcycle. The Oldest Trick in the world performed by a BMW S1000RR. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-cM9S2AzU28 --- ...Good ones! Thanks LouiseA! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It's part of Whole Foods' new slogan, 'You'd have to be drunk to pay these prices.'" -Conan O'Brien "A guy in New York is selling the world's largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn't really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce." -Jimmy Fallon "The Canadian police are hunting for three inmates who escaped from prison in Quebec using a helicopter. How do you sneak a helicopter into prison? 'Are you here to see someone? What do you got there? Is that a helicopter in your pants?'" -Craig Ferguson "Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn't mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest." -Conan O'Brien "There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the 'Twilight' movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it's a little bit of sparkle!" -Craig Ferguson "The new Tom Cruise movie opens today. It's called 'Edge of Tomorrow.' Tom Cruise is an intergalactic warrior fighting to save our planet from aliens. I have no idea who he plays in the movie." -Craig Ferguson "I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread one day at a time." - Charlie Brown "Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number." --Unknown "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, "you're making a scene." --Homer Simpson, modern day prophet. >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************