Christmas Jokes And More.. :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ __,_,_,___) _______ (--| | | (--/ ),_) ,_) | | | _ ,_,_ | |_ ,_ ' , _|_,_,_, _ , __| | | (/_| | (_| | | || |/_)_| | | |(_|/_)___, ( |___, ,__| \____) |__, |__, | _...._ \ _ / .::o:::::. (\o/) .:::'''':o:. --- / \ --- :o:_ _::: >*< `:}_>()<_{:' >0<@< @ `'//\\'` @ >>>@<<* @ # // \\ # @ >@>*<0<<< __#_#____/'____'\____#_#__ >*>>@<<<@<< [__________________________] >@>>0<<<*<<@< |=_- .-/\ /\ /\ /\--. =_-| >*>>0<<@<<<@<<< |-_= | \ \\ \\ \\ \ |-_=-| >@>>*<<@<>*<<0<*< |_=-=| / // // // / |_=-_| \*/ >0>>*<<@<>0><<*<@<< |=_- |`-'`-'`-'`-' |=_=-| ___\\U//___ >*>>@><0<<*>>@><*<0<< | =_-| o o |_==_| |\\ | | \\| >@>>0<*<<0>>@<<0<<<*<@< |=_- | ! ( ! |=-_=| | \\| | _(UU)_ >((*))_>0><*<0><@<<<0<*< _|-,-=| ! ). ! |-_-=|_ |\ \| || / //||.*.*.*.|>>@<<*<<@>><0<<@>>>>>| ( ~~~ )/ (((((((()))))))) ~~~~~~~~ '""""`------' `w---w` `------------' >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This steaming hot new page is from our friends Geniann and Bunni. It is sure to give you lots of smiles for your day. Be sure to check out the video here too for more chuckles... _ |\_ \` ..\ __,.-" =__Y= jgs ." ) _ / , \/\_ ((____| )_-\ \_-` `-----'`-----` `--` Baby, It's Cold Outside! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/coldpets.html --- ...I got a kick out of this one! Thanks Ladies! It explains my one cats behavior. She likes to lay across our floor vents, be under bed covers and messes with the floor throw rugs so she can cover up with them. Silly cat! :) ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: __ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _\_ _ _ _| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_|\|_|_|_| |-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-\-|-|-| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|\|_|_| |-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-\-|-| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|\|_| |-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-|-| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|\ \ \ \ | ____ ____ ____\___ ____ _/ / |____| |____| jgs \__/ \__/ In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One." -<>- Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?" "Two days ago." "Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?" "At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty." "No, I mean what's he taking in college?" "He's taking every penny I make." "Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?" "He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil." "Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?" "Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him." -<>- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" -<>- A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car. "I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said. "That's right, sir," the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks." "Fine, I need a new garage door." -<>- The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ December 21 is Humbug Day, National Flashlight Day and Look on the Bright Side Day December 22 is National Date Nut Bread Day December 23 is Festivus and Roots Day December 24 is National Chocolate Day and National Egg Nog Day December 25 is Christmas Day and National Pumpkin Pie Day December 27 is Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day and National Fruitcake Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: _ .-(_) / _/ .-' \ / '. ,-~--~-~-~-~-, {__.._...__..._} ,888, ,888, /\##" 6 6 "##/\ ,88' `88, ,88' '88,__ |(\` (__) `/)| __,88' `88 ,88' .8(_ \_____\_ '----' _/_____/ _)8. 8' 88 (___)\ \ '-.__ __.-' / /(___) 88 (___)88 | '--' | 88(___) 8' (__)88,___/ \___,88(__) __`88,_/__________________\_,88`__ / `88, |88| ,88' \ / `88, |88| ,88' \ /____________`88,_\88/_,88`____________\ /88888888888888888;8888;88888888888888888\ /^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^`/88\\^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ jgs / |88| \============, \ /_ __ __ __ _ __ |88|_|^ MERRY | _ ___\ |;:. |88| | CHRISTMAS! | | |;;:. |88| '============' | |;;:. |88| | |::. |88| | |;;:' |88| | |:;, |88| | '---------------------""""---------------------' >Wrapped Gift I'm not much of a gift wrapper, especially compared with the women who work at our shop. But I was the only one available the day a customer wanted a gift wrapped for his mother. "Sorry," I said, handing back a box covered with wrinkled, oddly taped paper. "It's wrapped, but it sure looks like an amateur did it." "Great," he said happily. "Now my mom will think I did it myself." -<>- >Police Academy My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with the Police Academy Board who would determine her suitability as a candidate. The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol, you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?" Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!" -<>- >First Big Case As a young lawyer working on my first big case, I was sitting in Federal District Court watching a prominent attorney question a witness. The attorney was trying, unsuccessfully, to elicit certain information. Finally the judge turned to the witness and asked a question that prompted the appropriate response. "Thank you, your honor," the attorney said. "How is it that you were able to get to the crux of the matter with one question after I had tried three times?" "Easy," replied the judge. "I'm not paid by the hour." -<>- >Lying About Your Age While my friend Emily was visiting her mother, they went for a walk and bumped into an old family acquaintance. "Is this your daughter?" the woman asked. "Oh I remember her when she was this high. How old is she now?" Without pausing, Emily's mother said, "Twenty-four," Emily, 35, nearly fainted on the spot. After everyone had said their goodbyes, Emily asked her mother why she'd told such a whopper. "Well," she replied, "I've been lying about my age for so long, it suddenly dawned on me that I'd have to start lying about yours too." ========================================================= >-->Christmas Jokes: _..--""""--...___ .---, ,' \ `'--.___ / / /`\ \ ``''--:'`--' ( ,'. '. _____..--''` )__/`-'._;__ .-'` _/ e /.-| / \ _/ | |_, ( \ / \______\__\_.-'////// |||||||||}////////;._ __/\ _..----''```` \_ / /. ( / | `'._---:./ '. '---\_;-...______. '. |_, \ ===--- / .` '-' / _.' ===--- /___.._ _..-'`\ / /`' \ '--.______ \ / / \ \ \#\ | | '---------'-. \#\ ---jgs----------| /----------------------\_\-\----------------- |__| ._\ __.' | /______| ..::::::::::::::::::::::::::.. (___#__#____ .::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::' '':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::' One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. 'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!' -<>- Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? A. Santa Clues! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? A: Because it "soots " him! Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations? A. He went down with tinsel-itis. Q: How do you know Santa has to be a man? A: No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year. Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? A: Pour Santa flush on him. -<>- .-"""-. /` .--.\ ; .' .-:| |._.|_._| () /\// \\\\/\ .:::. < //0 0\\ > _\d8b/_ `\ > /` | \ \ \ | _\ '=' /_ |\ \ \ \| /`||`---`||`\ |_\_\_\_| /\ |\_____/| /\ \_|/ /\ \/ \/ /\ /\-' /\ /| o |\ /\/\/ \-< | | \ /|/ \/\| o | `"` \/\ | /|\ o | `;-------;' | | | \___T___/ |==|==| jgs |==|==| o |==|==| o /(__/._T_.\__)\ \ | | / `""""` `""""` >Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like 10. Hey! There's a gift! 9. Well, well, well ... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like: 1. "I really don't deserve this." -<>- The judge asked the defendant what he was charged with. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply. "That not illegal!. How early were you shopping?" "Before the store was open." -<>- Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. 'What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.' -<>- Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental. -<>- _____________,--, | | | | | | |/ .-.\ HANG IN THERE |_|_|_|_|_|_/ / `. SANTA |_|__|__|_; | \ |___|__|_/| | .'`} |_|__|__/ | | .'.'`\ |__|__|/ ; ; / / \.-"-. ||__|_; \ \ || /`___. \ |_|___/\ /;.`,\\ {_'___.;{} |__|_/ `;`__|`-.;| |C` e e`\ |___`L \__|__|__| | `'-o-' } ||___|\__)___|__||__|\ ^ /`\ |__|__|__|__|__|_{___}'.__.`\_.'} ||___|__|__|__|__;\_)-'`\ {_.-; |__|__|__|__|__|/` (`\__/ '-' |_|___|__|__/` | -jgs---|__|___|__/` \------------------- -.__.-.|___|___;` |.__.-.__.-.__.-.__ | | || | | | | -' '---' '---' \ /-' '---' '---' '-- | | '. .' | | | | '---' '---' '---' `-===-'`--' '---' '---' '---' | | | | | | | | -' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '-- | | | | | | | | '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' Sometimes Santa will fall down a chimney. Then he's Santa Klutz. Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandma's house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." "I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is." -<>- There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!" -<>- The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Emily, a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?' 'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly. 'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?' Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.' -<>- _ _ _ /` ) ( `\ ( `\ / / \ \ \ \/ / __\ '---. \ /___ ( __/ / ) '--. ( / .-----' \__\_../ / .-' / /. .' /.-"""""-._ / .-. -` _.--.._ '-._, | /\ \ -" `' / / \/ / .__ / __..-' '-' _.' /_/ '-..____..-' \ | '--,-' / (_____.,--' __.' \ ( jgs| \ Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? A: This will sleigh you. Q: What is a webmaster's favorite hymn? A: Oh, dot com all ye faithful! Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks! Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? A. It's Christmas, Eve. -<>- "Here's a Christmas request I can't give," Santa said to Mrs. Claus. "Why not?" asked Mrs. Claus. "Here, read the letter." Dear Santa, Will you please bring me some crocodile shoes for Christmas? Thanks, Pete "But you have lots of crocodile shoes," said Mrs. Claus. "Why can't you give him a pair?" "Because he didn't tell me what size his crocodile wears." -<>- .-. .;;\ | /::::\|\ /::::'(); |::::' | |\/`\:_/`\/| ,__ |0_..().._0| __, \,`////""""\\\\`,/ | )//_ o o _\\( | \/|(_) () (_)|\/ \ '--' / _:.______.;_ /| | /`\/`\ | |\ / | | \_/\_/ | | \ / |o`""""""""`o| \ `.__/ () \__.' / / \ \ | | ___ () ___ | | / \|---| |---|/ \ | (| | () | |) | \ /;---' '---;\ / `` \ ___ /\ ___ / `` `| | | |` | | | | | =| |= | jgs | | | | _._ |\|\/||\/|/| _._ / .-\ |~~~~||~~~~| /-. \ | \__.' || '.__/ | \ || / `---------''---------` Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: What's red and white and black all over? A: Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) ||::|:|| .--------, |:||:|:| |_______ / .-. ||::|:|| ."` ___ `". {\('v')/} \\\/\///: .'` `'. ;____`( )'____ \====/ './ o o \|~ ^" "^ // \\// | ())) . | Season's \ || \ `.__.' /| // || _{``-.___.-'\| Greetings \ || _." `-.____.-'`| ___ // ||` __ \ |___/ \_______\ ."|| (__) \ \| / / `\/ __ vvvvv'\___/ | | (__) | \___/\ / || | .___. | || | | | ||.-' | '-. jgs || | ) ||----------'---------' >SMILES Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!" -------- "God answers all prayers. Sometimes He answers, 'Yes,' sometimes He answers, 'No,' and sometimes the answer is, 'You gotta be kidding!'" -------- I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?" Me: "Certainly, what width?" Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?" -------- The doctor approached the teenage boy’s hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting. The doctor started to introduce himself, but the boy yelled, "I can’t see! I can’t see!" The doctor had never seen a more classic example of hysterical blindness! He asked the mother, "How long has this been going on?" Without looking up from her knitting, she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the TV!" -------- Discovering too late that a watermelon -- spiked with vodka -- had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick man," he whispered to the waiter, "did they complain?" "Not about a thing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets." -------- A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." -------- Justin, 10, had been ill, requiring several doctors' visits and tests before a specialist came up with the final diagnosis and treatment. Afterwards, his mother asked him if he understood what the doctor had explained to him. "No," replied Justin, "not really." "Okay," his mother replied, "the doctor said you started with a virus..." At which point Justin interrupted to ask, "Does that mean I need a new motherboard?" -------- A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." A few minutes later, the young camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps to store water." "Yes, dear," said the mother camel. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?" -------- Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" -------- A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found?? "Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation! "Well WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete. "She never got your E-mail!" -------- A blonde was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said Cruise for $39. She walked in and plunked her money on the table. The travel agent grabbed her, tied her to a wooden plank and threw her into the river out back. Another blonde walked in a few minutes later, plunked down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to a wooden plank and thrown into the river out back. The current was swift, so she caught up with the first blonde and they both floated together for a while. She asked, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?" The first blonde said,. . . "They didn't last time." -------- At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up." --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseA! ========================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: [Politics] >From Our Friend Melinda :) Court To Review Judge’s Order Forcing Woman To Learn Islam By Denise Lavoie, AP Legal Affairs Writer http://boston.cbslocal.com/2015/12/13/daisy-obi-forced-to-learn-islam-muslims/ --- ...Crazy! A case of two wrongs don't make a right! Thanks Melinda! -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) You may have noted that more and more black leaders are beginning to open their eyes to the truth on this. This is the video that went viral on the internet in the last few days. Very few can express themselves with such clarity and purpose. https://www.youtube.com/embed/n_YQ8560E1w?autoplay=1 --- ...so true! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >From BizarreNews: It seemed like a good idea at the time. A mailman in Wisconsin was arrested after he played what was probably a good-intentioned but ultimately ill conceived prank on a female acquaintance. 52-year-old letter carrier David A. Goodman had a friendly relationship with 21-year-old Tiffany Washington who works at a law firm on Goodman's route. When Goodman noticed that young Tiffany was "stressed out" one day he wanted to make her laugh. So casting professionalism and any common sense he might have had aside, Goodman decided to deliver her mail naked. Goodman told the police that after the delivery of a batch of mail to the law firm he saw that she was stressed out. He said that he told the woman that he will return to deliver a second batch of mail in the nude to cheer her up. "Oh, come on. You do not have the balls to do that," she said. She was wrong. Unfortunately for Goodman, Ms. Washington did not find it funny. He tried to apologize, but it was too late. She called the police. Goodman was cited for lewd and lascivious behavior. The United states Postal Service released a statement, saying that Goodman has been suspended from delivering mail. -<>- Imagine you are an older married woman, and you come home to find a young woman, in your husband's pajamas, sleeping in your bed. You might immediately assume your husband is cheating on you, but when you confront the woman she tells you she was only sleep-walking and doesn't remember wandering into your house, showering, changing into your husband's pajamas and climbing into your bed. So you decide that just to get her out of your house you will give her a ride home. Now that story is bizarre enough, but to qualify for Bizarre News things had to get a little bit weirder. As it turned out the young woman, Eryn Rice, was not having an affair with the elderly gentleman. She was fleeing police. Earlier that day she was observed shoplifting several hundred dollars worth of cosmetics from a CVS pharmacy in Deltona, Florida. Rice was apprehended outside of the pharmacy by a sheriff's deputy who managed to half arrest her. He cuffed one of her wrists before Rice pushed him to the ground and took off running. Rice headed to a house in the neighborhood. It's unknown why she picked this certain house. She slipped inside, washed her clothes in the washing machine but left a pair of socks and panties, took a shower, put on a pair of the flannel pajamas she found and then napped in the bedroom where she was found by the homeowner. You can just imagine the telephone call between the elderly woman and her husband when Rice was discovered (wearing hand- cuffs on one wrist, no less). But no story that poor old guy could have come up with could possibly beat the truth. Later that day the older couple flagged down deputies and asked them if they were looking for a young woman. The couple told deputies where they had driven the woman, and when deputies went to the house they arrested Rice and an accomplice who attempted to flee. *-- Chinese restaurant caught charging customers to breathe clean air --* ZHANGJIAGANG, China - Officials in a Chinese city ordered a restaurant to stop charging customers to breathe clean air amid intense smog in the country. The restaurant in Zhangjiagang was found to be adding an "air cleaning fee" of about $0.15 to each customer's bill to offset the cost of the eatery's new air filtration system, which was installed amid smog warnings in the region. Customers complained to the city's Consumer Pricing Bureau, which ordered the restaurant to cease the practice. An official told the state-run Xinhua news agency the filtered air could not be sold as a commodity because diners were not given the option of whether or not to breathe inside the facility. Smog in the capital, Beijing, was so thick last week that the city issued its first-ever red alert for air quality. The alert involved a three-day closing of factories, construction sites and schools. *-- Florida man in French maid costume arrested in prostitution sting --* LAKELAND, Fla. - A Florida man dressed in a French maid costume and a dog collar was one of 95 people arrested in a prostitution sting, police said. The Polk County Sheriff's Office said an investigation dubbed Operation Naughty Not Nice resulted in the arrests of 95 people between the ages of 15 and 68 during the week-long sting. Investigators said the suspects were lured to a hotel by undercover officers posing as prostitutes and potential customers. The arrest report said one of the suspects, David Marsh, arrived at the hotel on a bicycle and was wearing a French maid costume, a dog collar and a chastity belt. He was seeking a prostitute to dominate him, investigators said. "He rode a bike clear across Lakeland wearing his French maid outfit with his dog collar around his neck," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said in a news conference. The sheriff's office said other suspects arrested in the sting include a Lakeland High School teacher, two sets of twins and a mother who left her two-year-old child in the car with her significant other when she came into the hotel. Judd said one of the suspects, Maurice Laws, was previously arrested in a similar operation at the same hotel last year. *-- California package thief wrote "shop lift" on to-do list --* SAN DIEGO - San Diego police arrested pair of package thieves and found a car full of stolen items along with an incriminating to-do list. Kristina Green, 19, and Gary Withers, 38, were arrested when an Amazon delivery driver called 911 after witnessing the theft of two packages from Encinitas, Calif. homes. When police searched the car they discovered a to-do list featuring errands including "shop lift" and "Kiss mom n tell her she's loved." Police also found mail, including junk mail and bills, belonging to as many as 13 local residents. Victims Mike Garret and his wife Mary told NBC San Diego that were thankful to have their mail returned and commended the delivery driver for alerting authorities. "He did his Job," he said. "He should get extra credit. He could have said, 'Eh' and kept going, you know?" Green and Withers, who were already on probation for drug and weapons violations, were charged with mail theft and possession of stolen property. *-- Tortoises found 'vandalized' in Florida --* ORLANDO, Fla. - A Florida wildlife center said two gopher tortoises were "vandalized" by culprits devoid of both artistic skills and common sense. The Back to Nature Wildlife Refuge & Education Center said a gopher tortoise with its shell crudely colored and doused in glitter was found wandering in Pine Hills and a second tortoise with a similar paint job was found suffering from a fungal infection in Orlando's Blanchard Park. Orange County Animal Services brought the tortoises to the refuge. "It will take multiple cleanings to remove the paint from each tortoise as well as healing time to get them back in good health. This is so disrespectful and we plead to you to share this with others to make it known that this is NOT OK and illegal!!" the center said. Shelter worker Debbie Helsel told WFTV the tortoise suffering from the infection is about 20 years old and was found "extremely dehydrated." "It is completely disrespectful to the animal to do something like this," she said. Helsel said gopher tortoises use their shells to help them breath, making the paint jobs extra dangerous. "Right underneath this [the shell] is just a very thin, thin shell where all their organs are," Helsel said. "It's not fun. It's not funny. It's not healthy for the animal because it causes a lot of problems and this animal could end up losing its life over something like this," she said. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) .-----. ( #-...'`\ \ # | _ )"===="| _ (_`"======"`_) /`""""""""`\ | o _o\ ,_ | (_>| ___ {` `}__ \ '.___/--# _ _ ."` `"=, `;"` `"=, '. ;-._:'\ {_}:_`'=='` _,=="""=,\ / _.-'`\ )===\ <)_/ __ `'--.=" _.====, `| ; _.'` _.;` .---""`====`-'\__.' `| `'_(| ^.^ |)/ ;'` _.:_^} / ()\ / )';_'='_/.' _ .'=_._\___.-|`|| || _ \___..--' \_.-' .'` '.=/(__/` | _`-.=||_||_||_||_|/` | | () | / / o| \ \_/ .=`-`/ \\_/ ; ; /`-,_/ o| |-' /`-..-' ~~ |/ \ ()/ `(`___ o/__/ \_/` / \ '. / _`\ \`""` \ __ __\ \ '-./ __, _.'`\ `; || `'.'._ /-"// {{o '.'. //" // ( `\ \_ || ,/`-.`./ // {{ \/`.`.// // \ .-`\ `\ jgs `\\_/ `'-.// `\\_/ `'; o// \___) `._____.' `"` `"` >Jokes Now I know why Bonnie has sworn off of men and husbands. Bonnie was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.' The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.' Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, Bonnie's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?' The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.' -<>- Turning 60 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 60th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 60 years old. "Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great." -<>- BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!! Hillary will NOT be running in 2016 due to the brain tumor found during her recent colonoscopy. -<>- A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. 'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man. 'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies. 'A Torah scholar. Hmm.' the father says. 'Admirable, but how will you provide a home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?' 'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.' 'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father. 'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.' 'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?' 'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks a question, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, honey?' The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God.' --- ...LOL! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >Quiz This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers:/**/ /**/ /**/ / 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them. 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.' /**/ > > > > > > > > /**/ > > /**/ > > > > Answers To Quiz: 1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the particip ants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. Boxing 2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.) 3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .... Strawberry. 5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.) 6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf, dwell and dwindle. 7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. .. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce. 9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. --- ...Great thunker! Thanks Geniann! ============================================================= >-->From our friend Linda :) _...._ .' _`;, _ / .-'` _.\/ \ / .` _.-'` C/ | ; .' _ _ \ \ \/ a _ a | )/'. Y .' /` \ >._ ^ _.< \__//` ````` `\ | /.:.:.:.\ | \ \:::::::/ / \ |:::::| / |\,,/:::::\,,/| ;:':':':':':':; | | ;.-._.-. | ( =(_)= ) | |'-/T\-' | | //`\\ | | ` ` | | | /. \ |:::. '. |::::. '. |:::::. .:\ \::::: .::::| '-::: .:::::/ jgs `-._ :::::' `-.__:::' >Degrees of Blonde... FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?' The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.' FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.' SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY. EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS: Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde. "Do what?" asked #2 Blonde. "Send my lawn out to be mowed." =============================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: __...-------...__ _.-`` ``-._ .-' @ ()() [] '-. .' () @ '. .' [] () '. .' @ .:. [] ()() '. / ()() ':' [] ) / () _.--""`````""--._ \ ( .:. @ .'\/ \/ '. @ > / ':' .' -|` `|- '. () \ ( [] ) ,_\| |/_, ( ()() ) ; @ / \ / \ ; | ; .-.._)---(_.--. ; .:. > | () ) \_.-/ \-._/ ( ':' [] | ( ()() | | a a | < > | ) \ /`\ ( ()() ) < ; | | '. ; () @ | ; [] @ \ \0/\ '/`\ ,__ __,; ( \ |__.' / / "-._.-" \ \ () '. / _.' .| _'-_/ \_-'_ | ( ()() '._ '---' _.' | .- \_/ -. | \ [] '--.._____..--' \___.-' ;-.___/ ( @ [] / / \ / '. ()() .:. @ / / \ \ '. () ':' () @ / / .'\ \ '. @ ()() /_.'.' \ \ '-._ [] _.-' '._\ `-..__jgs __..-' ```--------``` In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox." As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?" The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check." -<>- Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football," I plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a "look." Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume." -<>- There's no doubt that we need all the doctors we can get. If we didn't have them, what would happen to all the old magazines? -<>- I have a lot of 'sweet chariot' stocks. The minute I buy them they 'swing low!' -<>- "My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary." -<>- After turning eighty, Marie found that shopping for Christ- mas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. She wrote, "Buy your own present" on each card and mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she find the gift checks on her desk, which she had forgotten to enclose. -<>- The children of our parish in Tokyo had been practicing their Christmas play. Right on cue, the innkeeper said, "There is no room." No one was prepared for Joseph when he turned to Mary and said, "I told you to make reservations!" -<>- A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" -<>- A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible man alive. No wait...sorry. I am thinking of scotch. It's scotch that does all that. -<>- I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way." He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed. "They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax. You've been working too hard." -<>- The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?" -<>- In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch. A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch." -<>- At first sight we knew it was the perfect Christmas tree. Tall and full, with no bare spots. Even our grown children were impressed. "Wow," said my son, "if you didn't know it was real, it could easily pass as artificial." ========================================================= >-->From TheMouth: _..._ _..._ /\_|_/. .\_|_/\ |-(` \/\ /\/ `)-| '/_> \/\ /\/ <_/' _ \/\/\/ _ /'-:_\/\/_:-'\ | '=_/``\_=' | | .= \__/ =. | \_.-'/;|\'-._/ /\/|'||\/\ jgs /\/ / || \/\ /\/ |_/ | \/\ /\/ \_\ \/\ \/ \/ >Q&A Regarding Pregnancies... Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. -<>- \*/ __\\U//__ |\\ | | \\| | \\| |\ \|()-() |\ \| |\\ |/. .\ |\\ | | \\|\ Y /_ .--.| \\| |\ O__`&`__O /____\\ \| |\\ |/ \ \~~~~/"[B]"""""()/^\() jgs `--` [A][C] >How to speak about Women and be politically correct... 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 7. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 8. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER. -<>- .-. _ _..---./ \ .'_`\' `. / _....__ | `\| \ _~- ~ ' .`'\__, ; ~_- ~ ' . . | e | ~_- ~_.._. ' . ; e <> | ~- ~/` '.' .'; \ , ; .._# -_~' \ . _\ ,__\/ /_..;/ `\ `\/`' '._ _.-;`` \\ | |.' '__`""`. ' \ \\ / / `-.' '-._ . / \\`#, / / '--;__ _.' #, ; | `//-'.# #, | \ || | #, / '._ || / #, .' `--,-....__\\-#` #, `'-...__ __.-' | ,#' #. .-.| ``__ |,#' #. / /; .' '. ;#' #, / /(_\ / \ /#' #, / /_ `'/ | /#; #, / / \_.' / .'#'| # / / / ;__.-',#' ; ### / /-._/ .' \ ,#' | '#' / /'-./`-.____.' \,#' / / /\__/ ,#' | / / #,#|_____|_ | | '#/ ||`\ , \ \ jgs _____\______||_/___/ \ `--' ( / '-------------------' >How to speak about Men and be politically correct... 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. 5. He does not PUT IT ABOUT - He prefers DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED -<>- _.--""""'. .' `\ / \ _/_ _,__ __ __/ | |`_o)/ ` ` | ; | )/o\> \ / ;"`""`""`"""`";.""-. .' .--._.--. / ' \ / / _ _ \ |'. '| / | / \ / \ | \__'/ ; .-' \o/ \o/ '-. ; | | () .-"""-. () | | ; | \ / | ; \ ; \ / ; / /`\ \ \ / / /`\ / .:`""--....Y....--::` .:\ \:' .:' .:' .:' .:'/| /'._.:' .:' .:' .:'.;':\ / ``;--::.___::.--;``` | \ / / \ |':.| ; | | \ ':| | | _..._ | \ \ | \ .' o o'. / |:. | \ './ o.-"-. o\.' \ ':.\ ;. `-; ;-' .;\ | | `-._ _/ \_ _.-' | |:. | | | ```\o (>0<)` /``` | |/__':/ ; \ '._/`\).' / ;77777 \ \ /```\ / / \ '. .' / \ `-.__ __.-' / '. ``` .' jgs /`-._ _.-'\ / , ``;---;`` , \ | / | | | | \ | '-'|__/\_/ \_/\__|'-' >Laws /A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to make love with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. /No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia. /In the state of Washington there is a law against making love with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night) /The only acceptable love position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other love position is considered illegal. /In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons. /In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife. /A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines. /In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any love acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude. /A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces. /Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may make love unless they are wearing the nightshirts. /Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. /During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a love act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. /In Nevada making love without protection is considered illegal. /In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. -<>- _...._ .' '. / _ _ \ | O O | ; ; .-;-. \ '--' / /\.7./\ .-. '. .' .-./\/ )/ (_ \ ) ( / _)/ ` \ '-' '-' /\/ '. () .'\/ | | |/ | () | ; ; | () | ; /\ ; _ / / \ \ _ jgs / ` .' '. ` \ \___.' '.___/ >Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 years to learn: -The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. -You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. -You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. -The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. -There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. -There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." -People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. -If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." -The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. -If God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as His messenger a whacked out crazy person or a person on TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too. -You should not confuse your career with your life. -A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person. -No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. -When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. -Your true friends love you, anyway. -Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. -<>- ___,@ / < ,_ / \ _, ? \`/______\`/ ,_(_). |; (e e) ;| \___ \ \/\ 7 /\/ _\8/_ \/\ \'=='/ | /| /| \ \___)--(_______|//|//| \___ () _____/|/_|/_| / () \ `----' / () \ '-.______.-' jgs _ |_||_| _ (@____) || (____@) \______||______/ >** ELF PET PEEVES ** 8. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero. 7. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal. 6. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards. 5. Having to make items to drop off for those on Santa's Naughty List. 4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship. 3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse. 2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league. 1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Shangrala's Christmas Index http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmasindex.html Useless Signs!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/uselesssigns.html Bucket List 3!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bucketlist3.html Kilroy Was Here!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kilroywashere.html Maxine On Jesus!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxineonjesus.html IRONIC, Isn't It?- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony.html Life's Little Oops 9!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops9.html Humor In Politics 9!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/politics9.html Celebrity Caricatures!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/caricatures.html Proud Of Our Troops 7!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/troops7.html Our Valuable ANCHOR!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/ouranchor.html Thinkers And Their Desks!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/desks.html Expensive Hotels http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ehotels.html Stainless VS Gold http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stainlesscar.html World's Most Expensive Things!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/expensive.html -<>- >From Our Friend Melinda :) FBT Little Quartet https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzXJ3vuCzCc&feature=em-share_video_user Home Free - O' Holy Night https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO6OZIY-lYw&feature=em-share_video_user "muslims convert to Jesus" http://tinyurl.com/q4uroh5 --- ...Awesome! Thanks Melinda! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) Do You Hear What I Hear? (Home Free) (Christmas A Cappella) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIQQDYaoWpc&feature=em-share_video_user Celtic Woman, the all-female musical ensemble from Ireland, with their most beautiful performance of 'O Holy Night.' https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_8uxCiJXFVs Paul Daniels is a brilliant magician with a unique comedy style. Paul Daniels, is a British magician and television performer. He achieved international fame through his television series :The Paul Daniels Magic Show," which ran on the BBC from 1979 to 1994. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UC5BwubD9gc&feature=player_embedded A beautiful child and an exceptional dog, these two are so lucky to have each other. A built in playmate and forever friend, Charlie watches over Laura and is exceedingly gentle with her. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC1q2uUmJMY&feature=player_embedded --- ...Sweet! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) In Paris http://downloads.cbn.com/cbnnewsplayer/cbnplayer.swf?aid=17933 --- ...Sad! Thanks Geniann! Delta Honor Guard https://www.youtube.com/embed/c_VGxfmDmEo --- ...So touching! Thanks Geniann -<>- >From our friends Geniann and Melinda :) Player Grandpa https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=VPJmeUCEQVE --- ...LOL! Thanks Ladies! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley "My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a math- ematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color." --Shashi Bhatia "Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." -Dave Barry "There are only a few days left until Christmas. I tell you, it's really amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook." -Jimmy Kimmel "They're saying that this could be one of the warmest Christmases in 30 years. Last Christmas, Santa made a list of who's naughty or nice. This Christmas, Santa made a list of who has central air and who doesn't." -Jimmy Fallon "A new study has found that being good-looking can hurt a man's career because the people in charge of hiring see attractive men as a threat. So if you're a man who was recently hired for a new job, congratulations. You're hideous." -James Corden "The Paris climate agreement calls for countries to try and keep the temperature of the planet from rising more than 2 degrees. Or in other words, they have the same attitude about the Earth's temperature that your dad has about the thermostat: 'Who turned this up?'" -Jimmy Fallon "They're predicting the new 'Star Wars' film could gross more than $2 billion. The United States just promised $800 million as part of the Paris agreement to fight climate change, which means we're spending more than twice as much to see 'Star Wars' as we are to save the actual world." -Jimmy Kimmel "There's a new Internet start-up called Swanluv that will give you $10,000 to help pay for your wedding. However, if you get divorced, you must pay the money back, plus interest. I think this company is underestimating a couple's ability to stay in a terrible relationship. I once didn't break up with a woman for two years because she owned a washer/dryer combo." -James Corden "Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************