Christmas Leftovers And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ _ *"_"* __ /`_`\ __ .' '. | / \ | .' '. , / ')\^_^/(' \ , \`--' . (_.> <._) . '--`/ '.__.' '._/ \_/ \_.' '.__.' / , _ , \ \ \_/|\_/ / \ //^\\ / \/` `\/ | | | | | | | | .. ..:::.| | ..::::. .. ..::::..::::... .::::::::| |:::::::::::::::. ::::::::::::::::::.:::::::::::| |:::::::::::::::::. ':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| |::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| |::::::::::::::::::' '':::' '::::::::::::::::\_.__./:::::::::::::::'' '':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::' jgs '::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::'' '':::::'' '''::::::'' *~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. While the ads on the website do help, I don't want to drag the site down with tons of them to pay for it. I need your help! "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, please visit the site, scroll down and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU MOST ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This super scorcher is from our friends Geniann and LouiseAu. It is one full of eye candy. Sure to give you plenty of Ooos and awes! Check it out along with the video here... ________ W = '\ `._ \ \` \ ) \ / , ) | / _| /' / | | / / / / / |' ( | | | | | |\ ( ( (/ /) ' \" " " / _ \ \ ( ,-' _\_) ') _.,-'-/ b'ger . ... ",",,,,,,,'.'_ _.,-' .. . '-,-/_ /_ God's Ice Creations http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gice.html --- ...Wow! So Beautiful! Thanks Ladies! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: _ ' ` ,`-' __ ( ,-" "---, _ ,' `--"| ,' ,-" ' )--' / | / //",-",-._,'."-- . _ `/ .--="_.' / `. ; /`""" `-' ` \( , ` ``-\ ' ," ( ,' ,' `.._ __,-"\-, ' `-.-._,._,'__... `,-. ,' . __ \ ,-. \-: \ , __ _/-" \,--""\ \_\ \_\_/ , ,-" / ' _.--\_..." \ , { _,-" -" | ` ` `-" __..`-. \ \ ,-" __..-"" . `-._ "" __,--" __...' \ _,--" __..--"" / : _..-"" __.,-'" _.-' ,-"" _.,-"" ,' ; _.-"" ,' | _.-" ," `'..._ / ` _ / `.___...-; `"-./ | ' | ' | ' | I__ ,= .-._| |_|`.__.' KaK `--" Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?" Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people star asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily. As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!" Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?" The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?" -<>- It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ December 26 is Boxing Day December 27 Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day and National Fruitcake Day December 28 is Card Playing Day December 29 is Pepper Pot Day December 30 Bacon Day and National Bicarbonate of Soda Day December 31 is Make Up Your Mind Day, New Year's Eve and Unlucky Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: `}-' `}-' ___ `}-' `}-' ____/`-, _____/`-, "-_/}__ `}-'_/`-, /`-,( _,,.{-,_(__,,,.( [(_.-'`--,__ ____/`-,.(,-`}-'_,>___\/`-, >|`---\ [(__\___\ _`-(--...(..-'_`./`-,/(--,,.( // / > |_______/-' >`---\ / ( `{ >`---\ pb __|___|__) / \ / \ /`--/< / \ /| / \/ \ >Politically Correct Holiday Greetings To all my politically correct friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; PLUS A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or choice of computer platform. (Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.) To all my other friends: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. -<>- >Thou Shalt Not Skim Flavor From the Holidays! I do not like this time of year because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good Grief! Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy... 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have at least three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 9. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookie-less January is just around the corner. -<>- >The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style) Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, eg: stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, ie: the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, ie: dreams,wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, eg: kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, ie: the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect. -<>- >Politically Correct Rudolph Narrator: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ... Santa: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate Narrator: Had a very shiny nose ... Santa: who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon luster. Narrator: And if you ever saw him ... Santa: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view, Narrator: You would even say it glows ... Santa: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its luminary qualities Narrator: All of the other reindeer ... Santa: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community Narrator: Used to laugh and call him names ... Santa: had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable. Narrator: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ... Santa: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species. Narrator: Then one foggy Christmas Eve ... Santa: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year, Narrator: Santa came to say ... Santa: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the supersaturated, humid air. Narrator: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ... Santa: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic Narrator: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Santa: to stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist. Narrator: Then all the reindeer loved him ... Santa: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship. Narrator: And they shouted out with glee ... Santa: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor, Narrator: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ... Santa: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage Narrator: You'll go down in history! Santa: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time and your memory will be preserved for posterity. -<>- >Store Santa While working as store Santa, a young boy asked me for an electric train set. "If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?" The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?" He promptly replied, "Another train." -<>- >No Excuse Sunday An excerpt from a real church bulletin (Aug 4, 1996). ----------------------------------------------------- To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday". Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day to sleep in". We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say "The Priest talks too softly", and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly. Score cards for those who wish to list hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to Church and cook dinner also. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to see God in Nature. Finally the Sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter Lilies for those who have never seen the church without them. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) _ )\_ _,-, _ _.---.._) ( _) ( .-' `. ___`)8o) (` _.' _.-:::::::o()8-` _ / .::::::::::::::\ >\_ __ _/ , .;:::::-;""))`_\::| _____):<__)\__ / \;::::" _ ,%"'%/ _.-' _.'):(_);( .| \ \::| ,%"' ,a'_|.._ _.-' _.' .-\O_);_(' | /`-. `.|:; %`,a' ,_ \/|"".-' .'__.'o8()8_(' | | \ `._ _) _.' | |""""""""| |"""")O""| |_|_ \_ \ \`-.__.'|\` /`| | | /:( | (%%%%\ `. / \ .'_`---' | | | ):( | |)%%%%| `._ / `"--' `-' | | | \(` | /%%%%%| ) .' | | | ` | .|%%%%%/ /.' `. |--------|__|--------|' .\%%%/ .;;;. `. .'|___,-._.%%%%\_______|.'| |"" ;:::::; `-.__ _.' ..._/%%|/%%%%%| | | | ;:::::; .'`.`````` ,;::::%%%%%%%%%%| _ _ | |/ |`:::' \ .-`::::::\%%%%%%%%| (_><_)| / | .'`._.'`. `:::::`%%%%%%/ _/\ | / \ .-' \:::::\%%%'|______\_|/ \ \:::::;"' `-. `._ \:::;` _)_ `. /`"' / O \ `-. .-' |~__| hjw `. _.-' |__x| `-._____.--' >THE GIFTS by Heather Spears Kallus Advent begins - single digits of December, In the hustle and the bustle, there's something to remember. It's all about the gifts, many will say, Paper, bows, and boxes on sale every day. What to get? What to buy? Hurry, scurry - no time for hi. It's about the gifts underneath the tree, One for him, one for her, a couple more for me. Push and shove, the hunt is on, But where's the love? Where's it gone? I don't believe it's gone for good, I think it's there misunderstood. Don't fret; don't worry - the presents are great, But there's more to it. You'll see. Please wait. It's about the gifts; I could not agree more, And, we should give more than we've ever before. The gifts of selfless love and that of fervent prayer, Which can be given and received absolutely anywhere. We can love because He loved us first, For love, so many, hunger and thirst. By allowing God's love to flow freely out, We'll begin to see what His love is about. A life uncommon, our relationships deep, God's love is for sharing, not something we keep. Love is a choice, not a feeling that goes, It's the perfect gift and doesn't even need bows. Love desires what's best for sisters and brothers, Love is kind and it's patient, not jealous of others. If someone offers prayer for you this very year, I'm certain you'll be smiling - from ear to ear. It's about the gifts; but please let us remember, It's gifts of love and prayer. They'll last beyond December. -<>- _ ____ (_)__ _,---' `-._ `.`-' _ ,-"\ `--' `. ," ,-' \ ," ,"..\ `," ," ( O)\ _ _ `,"))) ` _) _,---."`. ()()) (())))))=) _,-'\ (__,''\ \ H ____\//____ (())))))) _,-' \';;; \ \ O| * | | * |/ `'''' _,' \ \ H|____| |___*| `._ _,-' _,-----.\ \ __ O|____| |____| `-...___,-' ,-' \\ \ ,' |\ H| * | | * | o\ ,' \\ ( | ) O|*___|_|____| | / )\ \.__|/ '\###########: o| ( / \ \ `############\ ._ /____,\_____________/ \ \ _ _,--' ###\ /-.__ __ === | \ \,-------._ #_),' _,-------.##\_____ / `. \=== / ,\ \,------._\ / ,' _,::::._`#######`---. /___ \ |===/_ ,' ,\ \,::::._ / / ,::::::::::.`##########` :-:`-._ ,'._,-' ) / ,' ,\ \:::::::. |/ /::,' `:::\ \ \ : :-: /_: :-::`. ,' / / /::\ \ `:::\ .::/ ,-------------------.__________`._,'O |/ .::/ \ \-. \::. ::: ( ____________,' ::: (\ \ ) ::: '::\ `-------------------' '::\ `--' /::' \:::._ _,'::/ \:::._ _,'::/ jrei `:::::::::.' `:::::::::.' `"-----' `"-----' >Christmas Excitement Ornaments and tinsel, Glowing lights on shapely trees, Indoor decorations And wreaths and trim to please, Gatherings of neighbors And of relatives and friends, Special preparations While warmth of song transcends. Christmas punch and fruitcakes, Bright wrappings, gifts and toys, Excitement and elation In hearts of girls and boys. And our homes are at their best. Dear God, help us prepare our hearts For You, the honored Guest. ~ James J. Metcalfe ~ -<>- >MY CHRISTMAS WISH FOR YOU My Christmas wish for you, my friend Is not a simple one For I wish you hope and joy and peace Days filled with warmth and sun I wish you love and friendship too Throughout the coming year Lots of laughter and happiness To fill your world with cheer May you count your blessings, one by one And when totaled by the lot May you find all you've been given To be more than what you sought May your journeys be short, your burdens light May your spirit never grow old May all your clouds have silver linings And your rainbows pots of gold I wish this all and so much more May all your dreams come true May you have a Merry Christmas friend And a happy New Year, too. --- ...Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- _..__ H A P P Y N E W Y E A R .-" `. .-' `. E V E R Y B O D Y .' \ `-. / `. \ ! ! ! ! ! / _...._ \ \ : _.-"" o o ""-._ ; ; ;-" .__. "-: : : __.--.--.--.__ ; ; : .-" / \/ \ "-. ; : :.- : ,-. ; -.; ; ; < ; ;o: O : > : ; `._ : `-' ; _.' : / \ /\ / \ \ : \ `-+' `+-' / ;. `-; `-'; `. / \ .' : `--' : `: ;' ; ; : ; : : \ / : ; `-..-' \ / : . `-; ; ;--' \ / ; :-' , : `--: ;`-' bug \ / `. .' `. / `-'\ .' \ .' `./ `-' >Top 10 Uses For Holiday Fruitcakes 10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table. 9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino. 8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them. 7. Use as railroad ties. 6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers. 5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins. 4. Use instead of cement shoes. 3. Save for next summer's garage sale. 2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition. 1. Two words pin cushion. -<>- ___ _,-' _`-. ,-' ( `-.\_ ,' \ (_) / _,-'""`-._ \ /," _,--.._ ".\ / ,'_ ,--`-. \ |/,-.` ,-. \| (O )/ (O ) |/ |`-'(_ `-' | ((((,--.)))))) (((`--'))))) ,----. _/`(((()))))'\_ |`----'| ,' `-.((()))),-' `. |Slimfa| / (())) \ |_) (_ \ ____/ ; |o . \ |_) | | / | \ ) |_) |_|______,'| |o ,' / ____`----'___ | | _,-\ /_ ,-'_,-----------.'. \______|o_(____\_/,'| ( (__,------._,-._) ) |. |:::. |:::.. | | _ ________`-.__,---.___.--.,' ___ |__|_______|______|,' ___ ________ ___ __(__ ___ / -. )) // \ ___ |::. |:::::. |:.|. | _______(__ _____ / . | (( (( , | / |____|_______|__|,'| / / / / / / | ._ \\ )) | |.|:::.. |:::. |: | _ / / _ / / --'`--'` | )) (( | --'|_|_______|_____|,'/ //| - ' //| --'` / / | | |::. |:::.. |:| / //==(===/// / / / / \ -._ / /|_____|_______|_|/ /// . /// / / -'`--'`--' `.______________,' `--' -- -- -- -- - //======/// '`--'`- . / / . . . . / . / / / / /// / /// / . / / / / / / / /___/___/___/_ / / //======/// / / '`--'`--'`--'`--'`--'`--'`--/,-----------./|'`--' /// -' /// --'`--'`-- / / / / / / / /// ::: /// / //======/// / / / jrei/ / . / / . /// :: /// / /// , /// / / . `--'`--'`--'`--'`--'`--'`/// : ///--'`- //======/// '`--'`--'`--' >SMILES A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir." -------- A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be The MAN of Your House. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and, when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of love making that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath, so I can relax. You will wash my back... and towel-dry me and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "'The funeral director' would be my first guess...." -------- A blonde is visiting London. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the London Eye. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde interrupts, "How do I get to the London Eye?" The officer answers, "Wait here at this bus stop for the Number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanks the officer, and he drives off. Three hours later, the bobby comes back to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and admonishes, "Excuse me, but to get to the London Eye, I told you to wait here for the Number 54 bus. That was THREE HOURS ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde responds, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went past!" -------- After much convincing from her husband, Tammy finally agreed to call an old family friend to sing her 'happy birthday.' It was only after she finished singing, that the voice at the other end of the line informed her that it was the wrong number. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she apologized, embarrassed. "That's okay," acceded the voice on the other end. "You'll need all the practice you can get!" -------- A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?" The doctor tells the patient. "Hmmm... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "No... I just told you it's incurable. But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt." ------- After the final votes were counted, Hillary and Donald were deadlocked. Instead of going through a recount, they agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President. They decided that a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 pm. After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing. Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing. That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheating son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were going to follow and spy on him and figure out how he was cheating. Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total! That night, Hillary and her democratic cohorts got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this! He’s cutting holes in the ice!” This story tells you all you need to know about the difference between a successful businessman and a career government politician. --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) __-----__ ..;;;--'~~~`--;;;.. /;-~IN GOD WE TRUST~-.\ // ,;;;;;;;; \\ .// ;;;;; \ \\ || ;;;;( /.| || || ;;;;;;; _\ || || ';; ;;;;= || ||LIBERTY | ''\;;;;;; || \\ ,| '\ '|><| 1995 // \\ | | \ A // `;.,|. | '\.-'/ ~~;;;,._|___.,-;;;~' ''=--' - Daniel C Au - >Interesting Story... In God we trust. You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about. Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house. The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live... The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely! As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband; He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this? "Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words "United States of America." "No, not that; read further." "One cent?" "No, keep reading.." "In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?" "And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment... I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Fortunate for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!" When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient. ...:::::::... ...:::::::... .:::::::::::::::::. .::::::::::::::::::. .::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::'.-=.-~, ':::::::::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::' /{,_;--'},'::::::::::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::: | .=~`|//| :::::::::::::::::::::. .::::::::::::::::::::: | / ; \ | :::' __, '::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::::' || | | | :' .' \/\ ::::::::::::. .:::::::::::::::::::::: |\| | | |\ / \ /_| :::::::::::::. ::::::::::::::::::::::. \ | | /|'/ / | \ /_ | :::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::' ,_ '::: `\ \/|/ / /`.: \ /__/ ::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::: /\/`'. ':. `\ `./.'/\ : /.--' .:::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::: |_\ / \ ::. '. ,/|\/| // '''''::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::: | _\ / | .:: | | \ \/// .""'-. ::::::::::::: :::::::::::::: \__\ / .: .'/| | `)`/__//_/_/_\ :::::::::::: ':::::::::::::: '--.\ : /\/_| |} /.---. \ \ \ / :::::::::::' '::::::::::::'' \\ |\/_/| | //` . `'...-' :::::::::::' :::::::::: .-""'. \\\/ /{| |// .:::::....:::::::::::::: '::::::: /_\_\_\\__\`(` | '/ :::::::::::::::::::::::' ':::::: \ / / / .---.\ | | :::::::::::::::::::::::' '::::::. '-..,'` .:.`\\ | |} ::::::::::::::::::::::' '::::::......:jgs:: \\| | ::::::::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::::::::: \` | ::::::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::::::: | | ::::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::::: {| | ::::::::::::::' ':::::::::::: | | ::::::::::::' ':::::::::: | | ::::::::::' ':::::::: | |} ::::::::' ':::::: | | ::::::' ':::::. |/ ::::::' ':::.....:::::' ':::::::::' ':::::' ':' Thought for the Day: If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it... He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning. Face it, friend - He is crazy about you! Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Read this line very slowly and let it sink in..... If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. In God We Trust --- ...AMEN! Thanks for the lovely story PatDeE! ========================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: TRUMPOCALYPSE? SUDDENLY LIBERALS ARE THE ONES STOCKPILING FOOD, GUNS AND EMERGENCY SUPPLIES http://tinyurl.com/hv9bufm Israel Prime Minister Netanyahu DESTROYS Liberals “War On Christmas” http://tinyurl.com/j48h7c4 BREAKING: Rush Limbaugh Makes BIG CONTROVERSIAL PREDICTION About Obama http://tinyurl.com/z4g8vrv Comedy Legend Unleashes on Spoiled Trump-hating Celebrities http://tinyurl.com/hmnl6mo BREAKING VIDEO: Vladimir Putin Publicly Calls Democrats “SORE LOSERS” http://tinyurl.com/hv3nu3s --- ...A note here... Let us be clear about Putin. He is not a nice guy. He is a dictator - which means he treats his people with disrespect and goes against humanitarian rules that govern law abiding Godly people. It should be noted too that if Trump feels we can work with him to eradicate our common enemy, ISIS - then I see nothing wrong with that notion - we just need to keep our head about us and I think Trump has surrounded himself with enough intelligent military people to be able to easily do that. That is why we need to keep him and his people in our prayers. -<>- >From Students For Life: This morning, Students for Life is moments away from the release of a powerful new video…showing the tremendous impact the pro-life generation is having and how we are moving our nation closer to our ultimate goal of ending abortion. Can you take 4 minutes to watch it? Just click here. http://tinyurl.com/hufsy48 -<>- >From BizarreNews: Just a couple weeks ago I told you a story about police in Florida who continued to ticket an illegally parked car for days without noticing the dead body inside. This week we jump to New York where police has the opposite problem in their eagerness to rescue what they thought was a woman in distress. Police broke into a parked car to rescue an "extremely realistic" mannequin they believed to be an elderly woman. A "very upset" citizen called Hudson police to report an elderly woman who appeared to have "frozen to death" inside of a parked car. Officers arrived to find the woman unresponsive and wearing a oxygen mask in the passenger seat of the snow-covered car and broke into the vehicle through the passenger side window after assessing the car had been parked there overnight. Upon entering the vehicle officers discovered the woman was actually a life-sized CPR training mannequin complete with detailed blemishes as well as clothes, glasses, teeth and shoes. The "incredulous" owner eventually arrived at the scene saying he occasionally transports the mannequin in a manner resembling a passenger and was upset that officers broke into his vehicle. "Just to clear the record, all citizens of Hudson should be put on notice that if you park your locked vehicle on the street on a sub-zero night with a life-size realistic mannequin seated in it...we will break your window," Police Chief L. Edward Moore said. "I commend everyone who responded with the intentions to help an elderly woman." -<>- A French woman has finally solved all of the problems with relationships by taking the human factor out of it. In fact, she has revealed that she is in love with a robot and she plans to marry it. Lilly's "partner" is a robot called InMoovator, which she created herself with the help of a 3D-printer and she has been living with for a year. On her Twitter page, where she calls herself "a proud robos#xual." Now, Lilly is reportedly engaged to the robot and says they will marry when human-robot marriage is legalized in France. Lilly said she realized she was s#xually attracted to robots at the age of 19 because she dislikes physical contact with people. She insisted the idea is not 'ridiculous' or 'bad' but simply an alternative lifestyle. The best part about a robot husband, other than the fact that he never leaves the toilet seat up, are all of the attachments you can equip him with. On the other hand, with a female robot she has to use an iPad once a month. *------ The Ol 'I'm a Porn Producer' Line ------* Apparently the ol' "I'm a porn producer, why don't you take your clothes off for some naked pictures?" line still works in Washington. Washington State Attorney General Bob Ferguson has filed a consumer complaint against a man who allegedly carried out a scheme in which he posed as a woman and claimed to run a Seattle talent agency that could connect women to high-paying jobs in the adult entertainment industry. Hickey posed as a woman named Deja Stwalley, contacting women via social media sites and claiming to run a talent recruiting company. Instead, Hickey allegedly convinced his victims to pose for nude photos and have s#x with him as part of a phony "audition" process. The complaint asks the court to order Hickey to stop his deceptive practices, provide restitution to victims, and impose civil penalties of up to $2,000 per violation. *- Florida woman sells Positive Pregnancy Tests -* A Florida woman said she is paying her way through college by selling her positive pregnancy tests and urine on Craigslist. The ad on the Jacksonville-area Craigslist page offers "positive pregnancy tests or urine" in an "absolutely no questions asked type of deal." The woman, who is three months pregnant, is selling the positive tests or urine for $30 each, but the Craigslist post says customers traveling more than 60 miles can get two positive tests for $35. The post reads: "Very self explanatory I am 3 months and I am providing a product in which the consumer is able to purchase positive pregnancy tests or urine for your own use. Whether you are using it for your own amusement such as a prank, or to blackmail the ceo of where ever who you are having an affair with I DONT CARE AT ALL this is an absolutely no questions asked type of deal tell me what you need I provide it for monetary exchange." The woman said she using the money to fund her college education. *----- Krampus is Alive and Well in Indiana -----* An Indiana woman has been charged with two felonies, after she allegedly beat her two sons for opening their Christmas gifts early. According to court documents, 36-year-old Sascha Collins, of Greenfield, admitted she lost it when her 7- and 9-year-old sons found Christmas presents hidden in her closet and opened them. Collins has been charged with two counts of battery for allegedly slamming the boys into walls and whipping them with a belt. She allegedly admitted "there is no excuse for it." Her teenage daughter turned her in after coming home to find her brothers crying, and noticing marks on their bodies. Prosecutors said the daughter claimed Collins had been drinking and snorted a hydrocodone pill the night before the incident. *- Woman Took Stolen Baby Jesus to the Hospital -* Police say a woman stole baby Jesus from a Nativity scene in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and dropped the figurine off at a hospital with a note explaining that the baby had been "neglected" by his parents, "Joseph and Mary Christ." Police say 49-year-old Jacqueline Ross told them it was a joke, but they aren't laughing. She was identified from surveillance video and is jailed on charges of theft and institutional vandalism. Police say she went to the hospital early on Dec. 4 just minutes after stealing the $2,700 figurine from Payrow Plaza. Police say she left a note with the porcelain baby that read, in part, "Child has broken right foot which is been (sic) neglected. Parents Joseph and Mary Christ got a warning." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Bunni :) ____ .-'& '-. / \ : o o ; ( (_ ) : ; \ __ / `-._____.-' /`"""`\ / , \ /|/\/\/\ _\ (_|/\/\/\\__) |_______| __)_ |_ (__ jgs (_____|_____) >Judas Asparagus If you need a laugh today, then this should do it! A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was..') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution. --- ...LOL! Thanks Bunni! Sounds more like an adult's take on a child's take to me - but then, what do I know? ============================================================ >-->From CleanLaffs: . " -. ' . . ( . () .' `. `|,. |"| ( | |\| | ) ( | |\| _ .\|, _ | ) _.->J ->J|/, . \""-""/Vl/z '-tX|b|\|\~\k\~yJr/' '^-j/PZ=\R>p/T|' ._-sFK)/|'" _-zH|/| --%/| | itz '/| | _M_ ,'"_ "`. / (_) \ ; .: | .| : .:; \ `._ .:/ `._ ..:;' """ Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you.... Things NOT To Say When Hanging Christmas Lights --"You've got two red lights right next to each other. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..." --"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try." --"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?" --"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker." --"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father." --"Give me that!!" --"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top." --"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!" --"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?" --"Have you been drinking?!!?" --"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?" -<>- Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom. "My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'" -<>- I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated." Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer. I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?" She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?" -<>- (~~~~~~~~) | | | |--.----. (()---. | | | (_ ' | | | | | | | | | | | |..---'' | | .---. /\ /\..---'' | | / \ \ \// \ | | : / \-OO '-' /__\ \| | .-. : (___) 0 // // / | | | \ (_) | //..---------' | | | _____/.__ _/_________(/_|| | | |-| \\ || | ____'-'-'----------O-------------|| | (______________) |==|| | | | | || | | | | || | | | | || |-abg | | | || | | | | || | | | | || | '--------------' '--''----------------' When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats." -<>- One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend. "I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first." -<>- As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don't worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?" -<>- I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I think I've figured something out about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy." Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?" He replied, "They're all nocturnal." -<>- A man picks up his golf-ignorant girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?" "Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving." "Oh, well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) oooo oooo o$$"""$oo$$"""""$o $" $$" $$$$ $" "" $$$$$o $ $$$$$o $ $$$$$$ $" "$$$$$ $ $$$$$$ $" $$$$$$ $ $$$$$ $ o$$$$$ $ $$$$$$ $ o$$$$$$ ooo o$$$$$$$ ooo$$$$"" $ oo$$$$$""""""oooo oo"$$$$$$$ oo"" oooooooooooooooo$$""" o$$"oo o" $$$$$$$ "$o oo$$$$$" $$$$o"$o $ $$$$$$$ " ""oooooooooo$$$$" o$ $$$$$$o"$ o $$"" oo$$$" o$$ o$$$$$$$o$ "o $$ oo$$$$"" o$$$ o$$$$$$$$$$$ "$o $$$oo $$$$$$$ ooo$$$$$"" "$$oooo "" ooo$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$"" """"$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"""""" """""""""""""""""" Custom at Duquesne University dictated that if a professor was ten minutes late, class was canceled. One professor arrived early for a 9 a.m. lecture. He placed his hat on his desk, and went to the faculty room. Before he knew it, it was 9:10. By the time he got back to his classroom, it was empty. The next day, he let his students have it. "When my hat is here," he fumed, "I'm here!" The following day, the professor arrived at 9 a.m. He was met by the sight of 28 hats on 28 desks -- and no students. -<>- ___ (___) /` `\ / /"\ \ \_/o o\_/ ( _ ) `\ /` /\\V//\ / /_ _\ \ \ \___/ / \/===\/ || || || || ||___|| |_____| jgs ||| / Y \ `"`"` >Children with Grandparents 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye. 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?" 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied, "I can't read." 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl, "you just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?," she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child." 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth. He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him. 15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog. Send this to grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone, it will make their day! -<>- >$50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. Thank you, Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee -<>- __________ |DAILY NEWS| |&&& ======| |=== ======| |=== == %%$| |[_] ======| |=== ===!##| ejm97 |__________| >These are classified ads, which were actually Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> _.---,_ .' `'. \ __..-'\ }-"` \ /__,,..---.._| \ | |---..__ | / ``"-./ .'---...__ | .' ``"-./ ,--./...,,,__ / '--.'__ __```.-. /._ / ` ` ' `=/.-.|-._) | .-. .-. "\\ / || O| | O| ""=='_\ .-' '-'o '-' ""=\` `''--/- ""=-,\--._ .---|- ( ""=-. \` \ /`)"=."=|'-. '. _.-' ' "=|\| (`----` '="=|/ `-. "=/` '. =/ \ =| .-. |` "=| ( ~._ | "==| _.-~`\ \ ~. |'"="| _.-~ ) ; ~-.|.-._|_.-~ / / _-( /-.__ ( '._..--~~`/`/-'\-._ `~~- ; jgs /"=| |" =\~-...___.-~ /=" / | "==\ / = (_ \ "==\ ;="= `\_) =="\ Children Are Quick ____________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________ PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off --- ...HaHa! Good Ones! Thanks Geniann! ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Ice Sculpture Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ices.html Dick Clark's House!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dclark.html High Tech Toys 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/techtoys2.html Amazon Warehouses!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/amazoncenter.html Rotating Skyscrapers!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/skyscraper.html Tour Inside Of Google!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/insidegoogle.html Las Vegas Stratosphere!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/vegas.html Beautiful Artistic Stairs!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/artisticstairs.html Amazing Athlete Homes!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/athletehomes.html Niagara Falls Frozen!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/niagarafalls.html Singapore's Sky Park!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/skypark.html Wave Frozen In Time!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wave.html A Country Christmas!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/countrychristmas.html Akiane Thru The Years!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/prodigy2.html World's Largest Things!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/largest.html World's Largest Mirror!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/saltlake.html Fun With Snow In Russia!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/russia.html World's Tallest SnowWoman!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowwoman.html World's Most Spectacular Places!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/spectacularplaces.html TSA's Calendar Gals!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tsa.html Drink Responsibly!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/drink.html -<>- -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) She Sent Us Ones we have here... Wood Stacking Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodstacking.html Cell Phone Madness 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cellphone2.html --- ...Teehee! Thanks Geniann! Man's Universal Weakness https://www.youtube.com/v/gXn2kvouPQ4&rel=0&fs=1&autoplay=1 Special Canadian Humor - Nuns and Priests https://www.youtube.com/embed/Dn7RzXDsjYY --- ...Hilarious! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >From Our Friend Fran :) She sent us one I found here... Confessions for the Holidays http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/confessions.asp --- ...Still a good one! Thanks Fran! -<>- >From Our Friend Bunni :) She sent us one I fact-checked and found the true story here: 8 Things You May Not Know About the Real Colonel Sanders http://tinyurl.com/het6yu6 --- ...Wow! Never would have guessed! Thanks Bunni! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) Happy Music.... Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo?ole Somewhere over the Rainbow https://www.youtube.com/embed/V1bFr2SWP1I?autoplay=1 Louis Armstrong What a Wonderful World https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5TwT69i1lU Bobby McFerrin Don't Worry Be Happy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU --- ...Love em! Thanks LouiseAu! Weddings require meticulous planning, so what could possibly go wrong by inviting Mr. Bean? Mr. Bean Attends a Traditional Church Wedding http://www.ba-bamail.com/video.aspx?emailid=23223 When Mr. Bean goes to the beach, hilarity ensues. http://www.ba-bamail.com/video.aspx?emailid=12384 Overcome by generosity, Mr. Bean tries to give money to a street performer. http://www.ba-bamail.com/video.aspx?emailid=4498 --- ...HaHa! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Christmas is that magical time of the year when we're forced to spend money we don't want to spend to travel to places we don't want to go to see the people we really don't want to see." -Jimmy Kimmel "The biggest dog in the world lives in the U.K. and on its hind legs stands at 7 feet, 6 inches tall. When asked if he likes being taken for a walk, his owner said, 'I love it.'" -Jimmy Fallon "Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun." -Conan O'Brien "A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door." -Seth Meyers "A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese- flavored martini. Or as parents put it, 'Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys kung fu but then they turned on him using their best kung fu moves. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - only teach your monkeys your worst Kung Fu moves." -Conan O'Brien "More millennials are looking to get rid of extra piercings and even remove their tattoos. Researchers say it's due to a new phenomenon occurring among millennials called turning 30." -Jimmy Fallon "According to a recent study, Pokemon go players have collectively walked 5.7 billion miles while using the app. They've walked everywhere except into a job interview." -Seth Meyers "Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children's charities. The queen said, 'I just realized I really hate kids.'" -Conan O'Brien "Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after having so much trouble using regular silverware." -Seth Meyers >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************