Christmas Smiles And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. While the ads on the website do help, I don't want to drag the site down with tons of them to pay for it. I need your help! "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, the easiest way to do that is through online giving. It is easy to use, and most of all, it is secure. Please visit the site, scroll down and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL form page comes up. NOTE: Paypal will generate a 'Quantity 1' and 'Price per item' form. Just ignore the price per item and put whatever it is you desire to give in there. With Paypal, you will have your normal receipt for your 'payment' donation in USD (United States Dollars). You can put a memo in there if you'd like. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU MOST ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ _ _|_|_ ,|_| |_|_ || | | |_| || | | | | || | | | | _|| | | | | ||)\ ^ ^ ^ | || | | || | | || | | \\ | \\ / ejm )\ ( / \ \ / \ \ \ \ *~* Our Hearts and Prayers go out to all those affected by the Amtrak train derailment in Washington state. May God help and bless them through Jesus Christ our Lord. https://tinyurl.com/ybzmjwhg -<>- >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This flaming hot new page is from our friend LouiseAu. We get caught up in Christmas as a day of celebrating our Lord's birthday and spending time with our friends and family, yet some pretty important events have also occurred during Christmas time. Here's some of the more significant ones that may just surprise you... Christmas Day Events http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmasevents.html --- ...Wow, most interesting! Didn't know most of these! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: ______.--------. /' \ /'\ \ ..-'\()'\ .'''. ./' | .' / \..} '\. / { /' '\ \ {------' .' '. '| \ . | \ | '\_____/ | | | / | | | .' | | | | | | | | | | | | | \ | Breakthrough? Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television. -<>- Applicant-Speak What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews. "I know how to deal with stressful situations." Really means: "I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks." "I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills." Really means: "I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do." "I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization." Really means: "I've used Microsoft Office." "I'm honest, hard-working and dependable." Really means: "I pilfer office supplies." "My pertinent work experience includes..." Really means: "I hope you don't ask me about all the jobs I've had." "I take pride in my work." Really means: "I blame others for my mistakes." "I'm balanced and centered." Really means: "I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room." "I have a sense of humor." Really means: "I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly." "I'm personable." Really means: "I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers." "I'm willing to relocate." Really means: "As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better." "I'm extremely professional." Really means: "I carry a Day-Timer." "My background and skills match your requirements." Really means: "You're probably looking for someone more experienced." "I am adaptable." Really means: "I've changed jobs a lot." "I am on the go." Really means: "I'm never at my desk." "I'm highly motivated to succeed." Really means: "The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there." "I have formal training." Really means: "I'm a college drop-out." "I interact well with co-workers." Really means: "I've been accused of s#%ual harassment." "Thank you for your time and consideration." Really means: "Wait! Don't throw me away!" "I look forward to hearing from you soon." Really means: "Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ December 18 is Bake Cookies Day and National Roast Suckling Pig Day December 19 is Look for an Evergreen Day and Oatmeal Muffin Day December 20 is Go Caroling Day December 21 is Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefather's Day, Humbug Day, Look on the Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day and Winter Solstice - the shortest day of the year. December 22 is National Date Nut Bread Day - or September 8!? December 23 is Festivus and Roots Day December 24 is National Chocolate Day and National Eggnog Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: __,--'\ __,--' :. \. _,--' \`. /|\ ` \ `. / | \ `: \ `/ / '| \ `:. \ / , | \ \ / |: \ `:. \ /| ' | \ :. _,-'`. \' |, / \ ` \ `:. _,-'_| `/ '._; \ . \ `_,-'_,-' \' `- .\_ |\,-'_,-' jrei `--|_,`' `/ >Airstream Trailer A coworker of mine was driving his family to a campsite when an SUV towing a beautiful vintage Airstream trailer pulled up beside them. My friend was salivating at the thought of owning one when his three- year-old daughter weighed in. "I guess they can't afford a tent," she said. -<>- >Interview Assignment My mother, who could pass for 50, was celebrating her 70th birthday. I phoned to say our family of seven wouldn't be by until later in the day as some of the children had morning commitments. To prepare her for an interrogation when we arrived, I explained that her third grade grandson's assignment that day was to interview an elderly person. A firm believer in getting homework done, my mother saw this as a legitimate excuse for our delay. "Of course," she reasoned, "he'll have to do that before you can come here." ========================================================= .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:. __,_,_,__) __,__ ,__) ,__) (--| | | _ ,_,_ (--/ `|_ ,_' ,-|-,_,_, _, , _| | |(/_| | (_| _\__)| || |/_)| | | |(_|/_) ( ,_| ( |_, |_, ._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:. >-->CHRISTMAS SMILES: Sean: Knock, knock. Fawn: Who’s there? Sean: Murray. Fawn: Murray who? Sean: Murray Christmas, one and all! - Joke submitted by Sean H., Farmington, N.M. _ _ _ /` ) ( `\ ( `\ / / \ \ \ \/ / __\ '---. \ /___ ( __/ / ) '--. ( / .-----' \__\_../ / .-' / /. .' /.-"""""-._ / .-. -` _.--.._ '-._, | /\ \ -" `' / / \/ / .__ / __..-' '-' _.' /_/ '-..____..-' \ | '--,-' / (_____.,--' __.' \ ( jgs| \ One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.” His wife asked, “How do you know?” “Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.” -Joke submitted by Jorgen R., Prunedale, Calif. Caleb: What does Christmas have to do with a cat lost in the desert? Ben: Beats me. Caleb: They both have sandy claws. -Joke submitted by Joshua H., Seminole, Fla. _____________,--, | | | | | | |/ .-.\ HANG IN THERE |_|_|_|_|_|_/ / `. SANTA |_|__|__|_; | \ |___|__|_/| | .'`} |_|__|__/ | | .'.'`\ |__|__|/ ; ; / / \.-"-. ||__|_; \ \ || /`___. \ |_|___/\ /;.`,\\ {_'___.;{} |__|_/ `;`__|`-.;| |C` e e`\ |___`L \__|__|__| | `'-o-' } ||___|\__)___|__||__|\ ^ /`\ |__|__|__|__|__|_{___}'.__.`\_.'} ||___|__|__|__|__;\_)-'`\ {_.-; |__|__|__|__|__|/` (`\__/ '-' |_|___|__|__/` | -jgs---|__|___|__/` \------------------- -.__.-.|___|___;` |.__.-.__.-.__.-.__ | | || | | | | -' '---' '---' \ /-' '---' '---' '-- | | '. .' | | | | '---' '---' '---' `-===-'`--' '---' '---' '---' | | | | | | | | -' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '-- | | | | | | | | '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' '---' Will: What’s a good time for Santa to come down the chimney? Bill: What? Will: Anytime! -Joke submitted by Keith G., Forestdale, Mass. Killian: Knock, knock. Gary: Who’s there? Killian: Pizza. Gary: Pizza, who? Killian: Pizza on earth, good will toward men! -Joke submitted by Killian L., Greensburg, Pa. __ .:::'-. /::: '. /::: \ /::: \: | /::: |:: ; /::: \:: ( /:::: ':.)'. .'```--'`'-.__.-" /. `\ / ( ' ' '| (' | | ' . ) . '. ) / ) . ' . ' )_.' \ ;'--""-...-'-.__/ '-/ , \ ;_ )`-. .( \ ."`` ` | `\ / | ; ; \ _| | _| '-. | '.(_/ \(_/ \ | __ | ; `'.__.- (._.) ._. / \ \ ) | /` `'. '. ( / ; '. `'-'-._` _.' / `. '-' / |`-. _.' _| `. '--;` jgs_.-""` .`"=. .-._| / ' ) ` . `-""-. \ . ( ' . ( ' ) `/-.__.--._ ' ._ ' .' /::::. `""`` `--`\ /::::::. \ Noah: What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story? Mike: I haven’t a clue. Noah: The Finch Who Stole Christmas. -Joke submitted by Noah B., Port Deposit, Md. Casen: What do you call a shark that delivers toys at Christmas? Austin: I’m stumped. Casen: “Santa Jaws!” -Joke submitted by Casen S., Tyler, Tex. .-------. |# | __|_______|__ _ '-/ 0 0 \-' \\/ | V | ==.\ \ '...' / _o_ \\ /`'.__ ,-'\ .-'---'-. \\| | \ / _....._\ \/'-.....\ _/|`\ | / e.e \| ; | (\ '-. \| ._. // | o \ \\ '-=_~ ( '-.__.-' `| ; o | |\\ _=_=~ .'`-_ _/ `\ \ o _=' / \\ ~ / / `)-.;_ | .'.__ ,-_~_=`, /\\__ \___\_/ / \ / / ~ ~ \ \\ / '...\__./`\ / \ `-.,___/\___..-' ; ; | _ | | | |___|___| ; ; jgs / T \ \ / '---'---' '.__ __.' `` ' ``` Will: Where do snowmen keep their money? Bill: Beats me. Will: In a snow bank. -Joke submitted by Will M., Big Canoe, Ga. Sister: What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas? Brother: A list of everything I want! -Joke submitted by Calvin L., Orlando, Fla. _... o_.-"` `\ .--. _ `'-._.-'""-; _ .' \`_\_ {_.-a"a-} _ / \ _/ .-' '. {c-._o_.){\|` | (@`-._ / \{ ^ } \\ _/ `~\ '-._ /'. } \} .-. |>:< '-.__/ '._,} \_/ / ()) | >:< `'---. ____'-.|(`"` \ >:< \\_\\_\ | ; \ \\-{}-\/ \ \ '._\\' /) '. /( `-._ _____ _ _____ __.'\ \ / \ / \ / \ \ \ jgs _.'/^\'._.'/^\'._.'/^\'.__) \ ,==' `---` '---' '---' ) `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""` Tim: Did you know Santa had only eight reindeer last Christmas? Jim: Huh? Tim: Comet stayed home to clean the sink. -Joke submitted by Tim S., Merriam, Kan. Chris: What do snowmen like to do on the weekend? Chrissy: What? Chris: Chill out. -Joke submitted by Christopher H., Fair Oaks, Calif. .-. _ _..---./ \ .'_`\' `. / _....__ | `\| \ _~- ~ ' .`'\__, ; ~_- ~ ' . . | e | ~_- ~_.._. ' . ; e <> | ~- ~/` '.' .'; \ , ; .._# -_~' \ . _\ ,__\/ /_..;/ `\ `\/`' '._ _.-;`` \\ | |.' '__`""`. ' \ \\ / / `-.' '-._ . / \\`#, / / '--;__ _.' #, ; | `//-'.# #, | \ || | #, / '._ || / #, .' `--,-....__\\-#` #, `'-...__ __.-' | ,#' #. .-.| ``__ |,#' #. / /; .' '. ;#' #, / /(_\ / \ /#' #, / /_ `'/ | /#; #, / / \_.' / .'#'| # / / / ;__.-',#' ; ### / /-._/ .' \ ,#' | '#' / /'-./`-.____.' \,#' / / /\__/ ,#' | / / #,#|_____|_ | | '#/ ||`\ , \ \ jgs _____\______||_/___/ \ `--' ( / '-------------------' Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school? John: What? Josh: Snow and tell. -Joke submitted by Joshua S., Lafayette, Ind. Read More Here: https://boyslife.org/features/24222/25-days-of-funny-christmas-jokes/ ============================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) .-. .;;\ | /::::\|\ /::::'(); |::::' | |\/`\:_/`\/| ,__ |0_..().._0| __, \,`////""""\\\\`,/ | )//_ o o _\\( | \/|(_) () (_)|\/ \ '--' / _:.______.;_ /| | /`\/`\ | |\ / | | \_/\_/ | | \ / |o`""""""""`o| \ `.__/ () \__.' / / \ \ | | ___ () ___ | | / \|---| |---|/ \ | (| | () | |) | \ /;---' '---;\ / `` \ ___ /\ ___ / `` `| | | |` | | | | | =| |= | jgs | | | | _._ |\|\/||\/|/| _._ / .-\ |~~~~||~~~~| /-. \ | \__.' || '.__/ | \ || / `---------''---------` >SMILES A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the local citizenry always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He came back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking -- and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas -- and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted, restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and answered, "Had to walk home!" ---------- A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. They kept going, and he was starting to feel nervous. He took his daddy's hand and asked, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?" ---------- A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, to be honest, I think I am QUITE experienced." she replied. "I've been divorced three times... and not even 30 yet!" ---------- Linda dropped into a computer-dating center and registered her criteria for what she was looking for. She wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent her a penguin. ------- A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber." ---------- Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside. Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?" "Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you." ---------- Lil' Suzi was in her bedroom when her younger brother knocked on the door. "Hey! Let me in," he shouted. "I can't let you in because I'm in my nightgown and mama says it isn't right for little boys to see little girls in their nightgowns!" Her little brother thought about this for a moment, then turned to walk away, when Cindy called out from her room. "You can come in now! I took it off!" --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- _____ .'~ ~ ~`. | a a | `. ~ .' .----'(>o<)`----. ( S S ) `---. o .---' ; o : ; o : / \ jgs / /\ \ .-' ~~ / \ ~~ `-. `.___.' `.___.' >MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS Everyone has a photographic memory.. Some don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. She's always late, in fact, her ancestors arrived on the June flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. very true.....never fails The shinbone is a device for finding furniture. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. --- ...TeeHee! So True! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- ___ /__/| __| ||__________ /-'| ||'-'-'-'-'//\ /-'-|__|/-'-'-'-'// \\ /-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'// , \\ /-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'// '.\\ /-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'// |--' /-'-'-'-'-'-'-'-'// | __ `--.-------------'| , | /_,\ | |><| |><| | /| | __ ||(/ /\ _| '--'_ '--' _ | || | /_,\|| / < (@) _ (@) _ (@)| ||.'()()()(||(/|| > \ ||(@) | (@) | | ;::::::::::||:' / < ||_|___|__|___|_|.'()()()()().||' jgs`""""`() () () () () () () >'Twas the night before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch The pond was froze over and so was the branch. The snow was piled up belly - deep to a mule. The kids were all home on vacation from school, And happier young folks you never did see Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV. Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock, There came a surprise that gave them a shock! The power went off, the TV went dead! When Grandpa came in from out in the shed With an armload of wood, the house was all dark. "Just what I expected," they heard him remark. "Them power line wires must be down from the snow. Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago." "I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light, And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right." The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom. Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room, Uncased his old fiddle & started to play That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh. Mom started to sing, & first thing they knew Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too. They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night," Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight. They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth, And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth. They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe, The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve. Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn; And when the kids wakened, the power was on. "The power company sure got the line repaired quick," Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick. Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun, He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun! --- ...HaHa! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) .-----. ( #-...'`\ \ # | _ )"===="| _ (_`"======"`_) /`""""""""`\ | o _o\ ,_ | (_>| ___ {` `}__ \ '.___/--# _ _ ."` `"=, `;"` `"=, '. ;-._:'\ {_}:_`'=='` _,=="""=,\ / _.-'`\ )===\ <)_/ __ `'--.=" _.====, `| ; _.'` _.;` .---""`====`-'\__.' `| `'_(| ^.^ |)/ ;'` _.:_^} / ()\ / )';_'='_/.' _ .'=_._\___.-|`|| || _ \___..--' \_.-' .'` '.=/(__/` | _`-.=||_||_||_||_|/` | | () | / / o| \ \_/ .=`-`/ \\_/ ; ; /`-,_/ o| |-' /`-..-' ~~ |/ \ ()/ `(`___ o/__/ \_/` / \ '. / _`\ \`""` \ __ __\ \ '-./ __, _.'`\ `; || `'.'._ /-"// {{o '.'. //" // ( `\ \_ || ,/`-.`./ // {{ \/`.`.// // \ .-`\ `\ jgs `\\_/ `'-.// `\\_/ `'; o// \___) `._____.' >Jokes A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a long list. "Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." ------- A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement! ------- One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in. ------- A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought himself for Christmas. "Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs." "What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?" "A new lawn mower," the golfer said. ------- After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star. Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, now don't I?” ------- Q: What's thirty feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nursing home. --- ...TeeHee! Thanks Geniann! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: WhiteHouse: https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/ Justice with Judge Jeanine Pirro 12/16/17 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTW79Rb4Vb0 CNN Media Panel Claims Trump Is Leading World Dictators on Press Crackdown http://em.mrc.org/Fm6BY00kZ0R0q0Fd000SKL8 ABC Goes All-In on Trying to Sink GOP’s ‘Nightmare’ Tax Reform After making completely false claims about the GOP tax reform bill on ABC’s Good Morning America earlier on Sunday, Clinton lackey George Stephanopoulos spent most of This Week leading the discussion tearing it down. After spending a couple minutes smearing the bill in his opening monologue, Stephanopoulos interviewed Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn where one of his first questions involved allegations GOP leaders bought off Tennessee Senator Bob Corker with a real estate provision: http://em.mrc.org/jd0B0m0YR00860qLSKl0F00 Stephanopoulos Lies, Says SALT Deductions Being ‘Eliminated’ By GOP Listening to the concerns of the average American, Congressional Republicans announced on Thursday that they planned to keep popular tax deductions for student loans and medical expenses while adding a $10,000 cap to state and local tax deductions (SALT) in their tax bill. But ABC’s prominent Clinton lackey, George Stephanopoulos either didn’t get the memo or was out to mislead the public during Sunday’s Good Morning America because he claimed the GOP had eliminated SALT altogether. http://em.mrc.org/p0800R0m1S0d0mLBKY0q6F0 Latest From MRC News: https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck Latest From TrueDailyNews: http://truedaily.news/category/news/ -<>- >From BizarreNews: We've all fallen in love with purchases we have found on the Internet, but this is a little ridiculous. A woman in the United Kingdom who fell in love with objects as a teenager announced that she plans to marry a chandelier she bought on eBay. 33-year-old Amanda Liberty of Leeds said that she had 24 chandeliers in her home (it is unknown how many cats). Liberty was in an open relationship with all her chandeliers until she found one she calls Lumiere on eBay. Liberty said that she fell in love with Lumiere at first site. She bought the chandelier and had it shipped to her home. Liberty loves to cuddle with Lumiere and takes it to bed. The young woman admitted that she still takes her other chandeliers to bed as they aren't jealous of one another. But Liberty plans to marry Lumiere in a public ceremony for her friends and family. When Liberty was 14-year-old, she fell in love with a drum set. Her first love lasted just a few months. She then fell in love with the Statue of Liberty in New York and legally changed her last name. She traveled to New York many times to gaze at her lover and filled her house with many Statue of Liberty miniatures. Eventually, Liberty moved on to chandeliers. But this time it's serious. Liberty recently bought a diamond engagement ring and put it on Lumiere. The only thing that would make this story perfect is if Amanda changes her name once again, but this time to Amanda Chandra Lear. -<>- British firefighters were "seriously unimpressed" when they were called out to rescue a YouTube prankster whose head was cemented inside a microwave. A video posted to YouTube by a 22-year-old prankster shows his head being cemented inside a microwave with spackling paste with a plastic bag protecting his face and a tube feeding him air. The prankster tells his friends that, despite the precautions, he is having trouble breathing, and they attempt to free his head -- without success. The West Midlands Fire Department was summoned to the scene and firefighters spent about an hour freeing the man's head. "We're seriously unimpressed," the department wrote. "Five of our firefighters were tied up for an hour this afternoon, freeing a YouTube pranker whose head had been 'cemented' inside a microwave oven." Watch Commander Shaun Dakin said the man was lucky he didn't suffocate inside the microwave. "Taking the microwave apart was tricky, because a lot of it was welded," said Dakin. "We video-called our technical rescue colleagues for advice and eventually managed to get him unstuck." "He was very relieved when we removed a large chunk of the Polyfilla with a screwdriver, allowing him to breathe more easily. But we had to be extremely careful with the screwdriver, working so closely to his head," he said. "It took us nearly an hour to free him. All of the group involved were very apologetic, but this was clearly a call- out which might have prevented us from helping someone else in genuine, accidental need." *--------------- I Said 'No Ice!' ---------------* A Southern California couple said they were shocked when a huge block of ice, suspected to have fallen from an airplane, crashed through the roof of their home. Claudell Curry, 82, said he and his wife, Odell Marie Curry, 83, were watching TV at about 9 p.m. Sunday at their San Bernardino home when there was a loud crashing noise that shook their home. "That terrible noise, I never heard a noise like that before," Claudell told local news. "It sounded like a bomb went off." Curry said he went into the master bedroom, where he found the bed and floor covered with insulation from the attic, which he could see through a hole punched in the ceiling. "And then we saw the big huge white objects on the floor," Curry said. "And I was like what is this? It was ice." He said the ice, which was the approximate size of a car engine, may have fallen from a passing plane. Gregor said the ice would have been blue if it had come from a plane's lavatory. The ice in both incidents was clear. *-------------- That's A Good Day --------------* A Missouri woman ended up making two trips to the state lottery office in a single day when her winnings from a $1,000 jackpot turned into $100,000. Veronica Buchanan said she went to the Missouri Lottery office in St. Louis to cash in a Monopoly Scratchers ticket that earned her a $1,000 prize. Buchanan said she stopped on her way home at the store where she had purchased the ticket -- the Bellefontaine BP in St. Louis -- and decided to try her luck a second time with a $1,000,000 Fortune Scratchers ticket. The second ticket sent her right back to the lottery office to claim a $100,000 prize. *---------- Vandalism Mystery Solved ----------* Police launched an investigation after learning that holiday lights displays and pumpkins were being damaged, according to police in New Jersey. The Sea Girt Police Department said that they are proud to report that the case of the broken holiday lights has been solved. "We are happy that no human acted as a Grinch in this incident. The squirrel was charged with criminal mischief and released on bail," the Sea Girt Police Department said. Police uploaded photos of the offending squirrel on their Facebook page. The photos show the squirrel crawling over a fence and lurking in the area of a holiday lights display. The squirrel then approached the wiring and used its teeth to cut it. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LaRue :) M E R R Y "C R O A K" M A S ! _..------.._ .-" ". .' \ ' .''. / / \ '..' '. \/ /---.----.--.---.-( \ '.()o { } | ____ "" {____.-._____.-.____}\ | ____ / `"=._ _/ (o ) (o ) \_ `\ |_ _.="` \ | "=. /' '-'_,-,_'-' `\ / \ .=" | | ". ". | '. _."_.-._"._ .' |\__/" ." | ". ". ". \ `"-.~._^_.~.-"` / ." ." ." ". ". ". `--._ `-.~.-` _.--` ." ." ." "=._ ". "=./ `._ _.` \.=" ." _.=" "=._ "._ / `"""""` \ _." _.=" "=. "-. : : .-" .=" ". "| Y Y |" ." _.="` _\ \ / /_ `"=._ _.-"""``""` _.-"`__\ \-.____.-/ /__`"-._ `""``"""-._ .-'.-' _.-'_.-"`jgs.' .' .'\ \ / /'. '._'. `"-._'-._'-.'-. `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` `"` >Fishing I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and continued fishing using the frog for bait. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs. --- ...HaHa! Thanks LaRue! =================================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: __ [_ | _____||_____ .'` _ || .'`\ ,;;, / _[_]_ || / | _(\()/)___ | (") \/ | | /__(/\)___/| | >/ . \< | || || || | \_:_/ | _.'| || || '-----...----`\ |____||____|/ | | \ | | | '.__/ jgs | | The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection." -<>- Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." -<>- Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me." "And that wasn't love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was obsession. Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Was that love?" "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Was that love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was seasickness." -<>- A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions. "For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?" The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two." "Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping." -<>- My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked. "It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied. "Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids." -<>- During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building. "Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation." "You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints." -<>- A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy man wanted; apply within." So he does and speaks to the foreman. "Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks. "No." "Can you plaster?" "No." "Have you ever done any carpentry?" "No." "If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so handy about you?" "Well, I only live about five minutes down the road..." -<>- -=[ Noel (No "L") ]=- _/\_ __/\__ ) . (_ _) .' ( `) '.( ) .' (` `\._\()/__(~`.:::::.,_ ()() -:::::::::::::-. / |`\:::-"`_ `"-::::. ) : (:::####| `:::: `)_/''::::"#| `:::: ;::: '::::. :::; :::: |##::::. :::: :::: |####::::. :::: :::: |####|_::::._ :::: ;::: |#######::::#| :::; :::: |#########'::::.::: ::::. ^^^^^^^^^^^'::::: jgs '::::-._ _.-::::' `-:::::::::::::-` `"''''''"` >10 Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one. 6. Keep it simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: _____ _____ _.-(_____`;--;`_____)-._ ,.-' ) |__| ( '-., > _.-\____.-' '-.____/-._ < `''` | | `"'` | H A P P Y | | HOLIDAYS! | ; ; / \ .' '. [___________________] jgs '==' >Quotes: If you want to break a habit, drop it. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's good only for wallowing in. - Katharine Mansfield Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as a heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors. - Abraham Lincoln Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words. - Rainer Maria Rilke An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. - Mahatma Gandhi A home in which there is no laughter is only a house. - G. H. Knight Money can buy you a wonderful dog, but only love will make him wag his tail. Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away. - Tom Wilson Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare. - Japanese proverb Most people see what is, and never see what can be. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955), Physicist Life is not measured by the breath we take but by the moments that take our breath away. Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use. - Ruth Gordon (1896-1985) Change starts when someone sees the next step. - William Drayton Most people who fail in their dreams fail not from lack of ability, but from lack of commitment. - Zig Ziglar ** Jesus taught, first, that a man's business is to do the will of God; second, that God takes upon himself the care of that man; third, therefore, that a man must never be afraid of anything; and so, fourth, be left free to love God with all his heart, and his neighbor as himself. -- Georg MacDonald ** A godly man is a praying man. As soon as grace is poured in, prayer is poured out. Prayer is the soul's traffic with Heaven; God comes down to us by His Spirit, and we go up to Him by prayer. - T. Watson Being a Christian is more than just an instantaneous conversion- it is a daily process whereby you grow to be more and more like Christ. Jesus Christ is the man God wants every man to be like. - Billy Graham -<>- _ J I N G L E \ (__ M Y '.__`'-. B E L L S `'. \ __ .--._) | __..--''__``--../ \_/\.' .'`__..--`` ``--..\ \ / | ( '--' \ ;--. /\_/ \__ .--. \ \ /__`'--/\_/ \ '--' `'--\ / /----. '--`-----.`\ __) | .'__.' jgs /_( >TEN REASONS DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS ** 1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. -<>- ____ .-" +' "-. __, ,___, /.'.'A_'*`.\ (--|__| _,,_ ,_ |:.*'/\-\. ':| _| |(_||_)|_)\/ |:.'.||"|.'*:| ( | | _/ \:~^~^~^~^:/ __, ,___, /`-....-'\ (--|__| _ |' _| _, , jgs / \ _| |(_)||(_|(_|\//_) `-.,____,.-' ( _/ >The CAT Goes South For Winter My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him with us to Florida every winter." -<>- >Call your Local Sheriff It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about what was laying before him. The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead." Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin." -<>- _ __/\/,\__ \_\_\_/_/ <__=(_)=__> \_/\_\`_/ / /\ \ /_/| \ \ (U)| |\ \ .-"-. | (U) / \ .-"-. ;= ; \ |= _|= ; (_________) _| `----()-`_______) jgs |= `--()--` (_________) `--()---` >Womanly Truisms ** Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are stick- ing to their diet. ** Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and chal- lenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. ** Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. ** One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. ** I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. ** The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ** Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beau- tician. ** Brain cells come and go - but fat cells live forever! ** Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. ** Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ** If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. ** You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. ** I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rub- bing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. ** Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. ** It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. ** Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. ** The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. ** Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. ** Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of choco- late cake. -<>- >I'll Do The next One After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled: "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!" -<>- ) _ \ ) (_) _ () \ .-'` \ ) {_} () .-'````'-. / ) \ / `'-. ___ /.------. \| \ () \ .-'`___`;/ __ `\ | __ () | .'.-'` __'.| o/__\o |/ / /| \/ / o /__\o\ \\// /; // / ._ \_| \\//|`-.__.-'|\ '; / / \ .' \-.___.'| || |/ \/ `._ '-/ | || '.___./ . '-.\_.-' __'-._||_.-' _ / .`""===(||).___.(||)(||)----'(||)===...__ `"jgs"`""=====""""========"""====...__ `""==._ `"=. `"=. `"=. >Golden Rules For Singing In Choir ** Everyone should sing the same piece. ** If you sing a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners. ** Carefully tune your voice before singing. That way you can sing out of tune all night with a clear conscience. ** The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa). ** If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost. ** Strive to get the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. ** If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end. ** If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should Tune". ** Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs. ** A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original. ** When everyone else has finished singing, you should not sing any notes you have left. ** A wrong note sang timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note sang with authority is an interpretation. -<>- >The Color Of Weddings Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said.... "So why is the groom wearing black?" -<>- >Death In The Family A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going be OK?" "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!" -<>- _jgs_____________________________________ | ___ ___ _ _ _____ ___ .-""", | | / __/ . \ \| |_ _| . \ /____, \ | | \__ \ | ` | | | | | {_____}`{} | | \___/_|_|_|\_| |_| |_|_| (/ . . \) | | ___ _ ___ _ _ ___ {`-=^=-`} | | / _/ | | . \ | | __/ { ` } | | | (_ |__| | | |__ \ { } | | _ \___\____|_|_|___/___/ { } | | (_)_______ `-,-` | | |/| NORTH | aka: "St. Nicholas" | | |/| POLE | "Kris Kringle" | | |/|"""""""` "Father Christmas" | | |/| "Pere Noel" | |_________________________________________| >Bumper Stickers ** "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" ** "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" ** "Rehab Is for Quitters" ** "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" ** "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" ** "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" ** "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" ** "HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!" ** "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" -<>- >Get Chow Now DURING MY Army Reserve unit's annual training at Fort Ord, Calif., our battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mess sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site. The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!" The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed. "Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?" "It was delicious, sir," replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds." Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by 1st Lt. Vince Gilkey Provided courtesy of Reader's Digest -<>- .-""""""""""-. / `\ / .--.---.-.-.--.-;. ; { ' . ' . ' . '} | {__'_,__.__'__.__'_} | / _ _ \ | ; / \ / \ ; | | |0| |0| | \ | \_/ \_/ | .-'\; \ / ; |. ' \ '. .' / \ ` / '. '-.__.-' .' '--' '-._ _.-' jgs '''' >I think Santa Claus is a woman ** (A Spoof... Says Andy) I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. -<>- HO .----. HO .' ,_ \ _ HO /__ ( \| / ( . {___`'-.\{_} | `|_ /6)6`'-._} \_.'_} |/_ _7 | {_.'| |5-.' /( | \{\ /:'`} \ /.\__/ _.'`\ \ ; o ``` \ ; o \ \_ | o \.'` } ; o_ {__.'\ \==[_]=======|/) | `; .' /_/\ _\8/_ ,;;, / `- / / \ \ _(7_|o o o|.-\;;/-. / /\ \ \ \ |\ \\| o o ||__||__| {`-._/ \ _.'`} \ \ __|\\ \|o o o||""||""|____ ;-.__} {__.'\ /(_\ _\/ |_\\_|-----'|__||__| /__ __/ / \_ \ '---'.|\________________________/---` ( ` / / / /(___`\_/|_________________/|_______ jgs '.__/ (__.' '-----------------------------------` The Assumption ** (A Humorus Funny) >Martha's Christmas Wonderland By Nancy Mueller The Christmas season is one of my favorite times of year. I always thought I did a pretty good job of celebrating it by putting up lots of holiday decorations throughout the house - but that was before I met my friend Martha. I was amazed at how she magically transformed their entire home into a Christmas extravaganza. I had no idea you could put so many garlands and ornaments and lights on a tree and still have it look good, let alone stand up. Everyone marveled at the wonderland she created. One day Martha told our friend Maureen the reason she went to such lengths to celebrate Christmas. She said it was because she had never really had much of one when she was growing up. In fact, she said her family had never even had a Christmas tree. Maureen was deeply moved by Martha's missing out on this childhood experience. She reached over, touched her lightly on the arm and said, "Oh, Martha, were you poor?" Martha looked at her in a puzzled sort of way, then said, "No!...We were Jewish!" ============================= Reprinted by permission of Nancy Mueller (c) 1995, from Chicken Soup for the Soul Christmas Treasury by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Celebrity Caricatures! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/caricatures.html Chalk Art 7! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart7.html The Willis (Sears) Tower! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/willist.html Cartoon Lip Art!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lipart.html Decorating A Man Cave! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mancave.html Salute To Texas! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/salutetexas.html Shopping With Men! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menshopping.html Happy Moments!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/happymoments.html High Tech Toys 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/techtoys2.html Bob Hope's Home!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bobhopehome.html Super Rare Muscle Cars!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/musclecars.html Dick Clark's House!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dclark.html Did You See That 2?- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/seethat2.html Animals First Snow!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalsfirstsnow.html Christ's Bell!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bell.html Christ's Life!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jesuslife.html Christmas Animations: For Angels, Candles, Doves http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs.html For Crosses, Hearts, God, And Jesus http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_f-j.html For Nativity Scenes and New Years http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_k-o.html For Prayers, Santa, Sledding, and Snow http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html For Words:Merry (Christmas) and Xmas (all other Christmas related) http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html Christmas and Holiday cooking: Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Updated Christmas Index - NOW WITH NEW YEAR Index: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmasindex.html -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) This takes discipline, nerves and patience! https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/4phFYiMGCIY?rel=0 Betty White & Morgan Freeman. They don't make 'em like this anymore... If you don't do anything else today -- Watch This! Betty White is 90+ years old. Http://WWW.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=b4S7T05zTqY --- ...Betty keeps on rolling right along! She's 95 now. Thanks Geniann! -<>- Revisiting... >-->From Our Friend Victor :) >What the Duck? How in the world did a family of squirrel-eating, Bible-thumping, catchphrase-spouting duck hunters become the biggest TV stars in America? Read More: http://tinyurl.com/lhbzlcg Robertson has said previously that the show downplays his religious views. He surprised some viewers earlier this year when a video emerged of him speaking out against abortion. http://tinyurl.com/k7nzoea --- ...WoW! An interesting read! Thanks Victor! -<>- >From Our Friend Jo Ann :) It may become the #1 Christmas song this year http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAckfn8yiAQ --- ...Sweet! Thanks Jo Ann! -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) Fine time to leave me Blue Shield This country singer nails it with “you picked a fine time to leave me Blue Shield”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLtssFSzFlE&feature=youtu.be --- ...Turned out to be so sadly true! Thanks Linda! Christmas Tree harvesting at Noble Mountain Christmas Tree Farm in Oregon. Pilot Dan Clark flying a Northwest Helicopters, LLC 206B3 Jetranger November of 2008. Oregon is the nation's biggest producer and exporter of Christmas trees, selling about 7.3 million trees a year, more than twice that of No. 2 North Carolina. The largest Christmas tree producer in the state is Holiday Tree Farms of Corvallis, shipping about 1 million trees a year. Manager Dave Silen says a shift toward more family gatherings this year could help sales. The holiday trees represent a $101 million industry in Oregon. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08K_aEajzNA U.S. Air Force Flash Mob....I love these!! http://www.wimp.com/holidayband/ --- ...Awesome! Thanks Linda! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) Magician Jaehoon Lim performs on Le Plus Grand Cabaret Du Monde in 2011. I didn’t see a pigeon coop on stage so I have no idea where he got all these pigeons from. Must be magic. Apparently they’re White Doves, not Pigeons. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXm-dBSUGCs&feature=player_embedded We all adore the Piano Guys, especially their Christmas songs! But this heartfelt rendition of "Where Are You Christmas?" from the movie "The Grinch" might just take the cake! The little girl singing the song is pianist Jon Schmidt's daughter. Together they make beautiful Christmas music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GRqjFcP_aw0 --- ...So Sweet! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= , , /\\ / \ | )|-""-, , \ /' \ ,_ , .'<_ / |"""-, _> `'-,'(_.-' _< , | ' '/::. `\ >_.--(.. ) .=;` / \_...._ .' _ ._o)`'` / V-'`\/`` { .' `'-....-' ; `"--'.--.=; * * * `/ / ::' / C ..\ * * | {;;}| :: | \ _.) * .:::.__* | , {;;;} \ ':| / \ * /'::::\ *\_ \ \ {;;} '-, \./ \)\) (` '::|* / \ .-' _.'.,____, _/`| `-| );/ _.,--`-.`_;/.-/ ; \ \` \ ( ( /` ,\|_ '--'_:-' `. `'._.' /| \ \ \ \ | ).-' .-'/. ` '._.-._.' / | jgs \ \ \ \ / .--'\ \ .-'` | `. .-' .' | \ \ \ \ / / \,\ \ \ \`. `-.__..--' _.-' .' , `#;==''` \ |\ /|# \ '-._ _.-' _.' .'( _.=' | \/ /._, \_ '--._.-'` _.' { `` _.=' | / ' ;--._, '._ \ _.-' { \` ; / \ / ' ) '-._\_.-'` _,_ `. `'=..' .=' ) /\ /, / _, /' '\ ,_ `=._ .=' / |/)|/(_ ((') \u u .-""._) \ '-`\\`__ | / -._\ /'--) | ':`----./.-. | `-._} {_} |_ \ | _.' _/, ``'""-`\ `.__.' `""{_} /_ / |`= `" `-.( ,__/. `""""`"` '^' ="`-` `"` >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "A family in Florida took their Elf on the Shelf to the ER after their dog tore it apart, and the doctors were able to save it. While the guy in the next room was like, 'Don't worry - my broken leg will be just fine! You take care of that elf!'" -Jimmy Fallon "Experts in Israel are trying to re-create a wine used in the time of Jesus. Apparently, all they need is some water and Jesus." -Conan O'Brien "Some parenting experts are suggesting that the holiday tradition of the elf on the shelf may actually be harmful to children. So instead just take them to the mall and let them sit on a weird old dude's lap." -Seth Meyers "New York woman is suing her surgeon claiming he was on his cell phone during her operation. In response, the doctor said, 'For your information, I was Googling how to perform surgery.'" -Conan O'Brien "A new study found that running for two minutes is just as good for you as working out for 90 minutes. That doesn't sound like a study it sounds like something a chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two minutes." -Jimmy Fallon "There's a holiday gift giving trend that's supposedly on the rise this year called self-gifting, meaning it's OK to buy a gift for yourself. But buying a gift and wrapping it for yourself, that's just pathetic." -Jimmy Kimmel "Pope Francis visited a Buddhist country and made some controversial remarks. The worst was when the Pope saw a statue of Buddha and said, 'At least, MY God has abs.'" -Conan O'Brien "Uber signed a deal with NASA on Wednesday to develop 'Uber Elevate,' a new type of Uber that will use flying cars. They're developing a flying Uber. And you thought you vomited in the backseat of Ubers before." -James Corden "After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, 'You mean I've been eating a dangerous chemical?' While most people were like, 'You mean I can eat my yoga mat?'" -Jimmy Fallon "American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby." -Conan O'Brien "A major food company has recalled two types of frozen hash browns because the potatoes may contain pieces of golf balls. Doctors say if you've already ingested pieces of golf balls, the best thing is to just let them play through." -James Corden "A New Jersey restaurant has begun selling a massive taco-covered pizza for $75. 'Seems a little steep,' said a customer who was looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant." -Seth Meyers >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE:Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************