Church Bloopers And More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) ================ >-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) We have two super hot pages today! This first one is from 4 of our friends - Linda, LouiseA, Geniann and PatDeE! They know a good forward and were sweet enough to share it with us so I did it up to share with all of you. I don't know about you, but my expertise with making things with snow ended with snow men and snow forts and snow angels. These are mind blowing! Check this one out here... .-~~\ / \ _ ~x .-~_)_ ~x".-~ ~-. _ ( / \ _ || T o o Y || ==:l l < ! I;== \\ \ .__/ / // \\ ,r"-,___.-'r.// }^ \.( ) _.'//. / }~Xi--~ // \ Y Y I\ \ " Y | | |o\ \ | | l_l Y T | -Row l "o l_j ! \ / ___,.---^. o .^---.._____ "~~~ " ~ ~~~" Snow Sculpture Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowart.html --- ...Wow! Lots of Talent here! Thank you my Friends! This next one is from our friend KarenF. Such a stunning one! This is so Amazing, you'll have to check it out for yourself! |\ /| , _ .::::. | `' ' \,'| _ :::::: / `--.__ '-'/ :::::: 6_ 6 `--.__/ )====( <__) | \_ _/ \___, / !! _\--' _ .' !! ."(.'`-,-"/ \' \-. !!.'.'/`--;_;_\_/_.' `-. !/ / `-' / y (\ `. / / |`-, ( (| \\ \ \| `-' ) \\ `\ | !|,-. / \) /`.__/ !|\_; `-._.'`-' | />> !| | __ .' '} !\ / {_ \.' << !!\ / __ \( )_/``____!;' `-.__hjw____ `---`` `-._ _.-' Ice Sculpture Art 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ices3.html --- ...Wow! Such a fun festival! Thanks KarenF! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: ,;;;, Mother Of Six ,;;;, """\\\\ /////)) '' `\\) |/// '' /_ _) A man had six children and was very \(C _) | / proud of his achievement. He was so ((_)) _= =_ / proud of himself that he started `"`/ / \ \ calling his wife "Mother of Six" in (`""-. <\-/``> spite of her objections. jgs /`~~~`\ / Y`~`` \ One night they attended a party. When the man decided it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife was ready to leave as well, he shouted across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, finally shouted back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ January 20 is National Buttercrunch Day January 21 is National Hugging Day January 22 is National Answer Your Cat's Question Day and National Blonde Brownie Day January 23 is National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day, and Measure Your Feet Day January 24 is Eskimo Pie Patent Day January 25 is Opposite Day January 26 is Australia Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: _.--"""-, .' `\ / \ | /.-.--.-.--.) .\|(_._.__._.__) ( ) 0 _ 0 \ \ /_ `-| (_) | _\ / \\/ /`| |`\ \// '-.\\ \/ | \ \ / / | \/ //.-' __\\| \ '. '._.' .' / |//__ \\ .-'. `'-----'` .'-. // \\.' '-._ .-'\ '.// /` `'''''') ) `\ / ( ( ,\ ; O /\ '-..-'/ ; | ( '. / | | O ) `;---'` | ; /__.-' ;_ .-''-\ O ` / '---'-. `. .' jgs '-._ _.-' `" ' - - - ' "`` >Animal Shelter My class was touring the local animal shelter, oohing and aahing over the lost and waiting-to-be-adopted animals. One of my third grade boys was gazing intently at an elaborate aquarium full of different species of fish. "They're beautiful, aren't they," I commented. He looked at me thoughtfully, then replied, "Yes, but I don't understand...how can anyone lose a fish?" -<>- >Icemaker When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the store to arrange for repairs. Because the sun was bright, his eyes hadn't adjusted to the dim light inside in time to see a woman sitting on the floor examining carpet samples. He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing him to jump into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl full of little mints, scattering them everywhere. After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work." "I don't doubt it," she replied. -<>- >Move the Car A father grew increasingly displeased as his teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I have to ask you to move your car," the father told him. "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?" "No," he replied, "it's at the wrong address." -<>- >Panty Hose The mom agonized over what size panty hose a man six feet tall, with a 30-inch waist, would wear. What style? What color? Support? Sheer? Control top? Does 'One Size Fits All' really fit all? She decided on queen size, opaque, in suntan, with a reinforced toe. Hoping they would keep her handsome Marine son warm, she mailed the package. It wasn't until he came home for Christmas that the mystery was finally solved. "How did those panty hose work out?" was one of the first questions she asked. "Thanks, Mom, they were great! They're the best thing for putting a super shine on my boots." -<>- >Printing Yellow I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?" ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) _ ///-._ ////////-._ /////////////-. ////////////////`. //////////////// .'`. //////////////// . '.'`. '|`'//////////// . .'.::|` : `'/////// . '.':| | . . `'// ' _|- ::| |. .-._ . | . | .':: | |:|:| | ' ' '.::| | |:|:| :. . .'.':| | . |:|:| . | .._.::: : `':| | ' ////-:| |. . | '/////////-._ | . . : .//////////////-._ : : ///////////////////-._ |. |////////////////////////-._ | . . :`'//////////////////////////-._ | . _.-\\\\``'//////////////////////////-._ | /\\\\\\\\..``'//////////////////////////". : . . /. \\\\\\\\\. .``'///////////////////// .'`. : / _ \\\\\\\\\. ``'//////////////// . .'`. | . / (@) \\\\\\\\\. . . ``'/////////// . '.'::|. {`)._ '| _` .\\\\\\\-`:|#| . . ``'////// '. .'.:| `-{_/`| ||::. \\'`.:|:.|#| |#| . ``'/ ' .##:'::: `-| ||||| |`.'::|::|#| |#| |#| . . '| . .|##|'.:| pils | ||||| : .'::|:.'#| |#| |#| |#| | |##|'::| | ||||| .| .'.:|::.'' '#| |#| |#| . : ' |##|'.:| {`\:|||| : .'::|:_.:. . '#| |#| | .|##|'::: `-{_/'|_ |_.-'/}_/'-._ '#| :. |##:'.:| `'{._('}_)-' `-}_}(-._ . . | ' '` .'::| `-' `-.} /-._ . : .'.'_:-'\ `-}_}(-._ | . _.-')_(-' `-/_)`-.:.-{ \{-' `-{_'_)-'' ^ >Top 12 Bloopers found in Church Bulletins: 12. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 11. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to p.m. Please use back door. 10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 9. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 8. The seventh-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 7. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her. 6. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. 5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. 4. The Rector is on holiday. Massages can be given to the church secretary. 3. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 2. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir!!. 1. Weight watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. --- ...HaHa! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate. This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her, and on calling her "dearest" or "darling" within earshot of the waiters. When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued. Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands. "Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maître d'. "Gee," she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad." -<>- Many years ago, a rich oil tycoon was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when his wife finally presented him with his only son and heir. He immediately named him Johnny after his father! Just before Little Johnny's sixth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines. Just before Little Johnny's seventh birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Princess Cruise Lines. Just before Little Johnny's eighth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons. Just before Little Johnny's ninth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." Little Johnny, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft. -<>- Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated. .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. how about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotherr man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say, 'times up'"? -<>- Irish blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. "with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,"I don't know-I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .....but all men....are men! -<>- A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'." He said, "I love you." I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny." He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny." "So I slapped him! -<>- Gotta love those grandkids. I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?". Without skipping a beat she said, "It's President's Day!". She's smart, so I asked her "What does President's Day mean?". I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bologna" You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose. -<>- Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." --- ...OH My! LOL! Thanks LouiseA! ========================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: Now here is a story about a 37-year-old Santa Cruz, California woman who was arrested on suspicion of DUI after a man wearing only boxer shorts was spotted clinging to her SUV's roof rack. Completely understandable. Several people called police to report the man. He was standing on the running board of a silver Toyota Highlander with his hands on its roof rack, witnesses said. Officers caught up with the woman, Sonja Helena Landis, at the Skypark dog park. Apparently she and the man knew each other. Landis, who was in the dog park, was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. While bizarre, all of this makes a certain kind of sense. What does not make sense is that the man in his underwear, clinging to the exterior of a vehicle cruising down the road, was NOT arrested. You would think, if anybody was under the influence of alcohol it would be the naked guy hanging onto a car. Of course, he wasn't operating the vehicle, so I guess it was legal. -<>- Colorado officials think a difference of one-hundredth of a mile will be enough to stop thieves from stealing the mile marker 420 sign along Interstate 70. Amy Ford of the Colorado Department of Transportation says the "MILE 420" sign near Stratton was stolen for the last time sometime in the last year, and officials replaced it with a sign that says "MILE 419.99." Ford says it's the only "420" sign to be replaced in the state that recently legalized recreational marijuana. Most highways aren't long enough to need one. The number "420" has long been associated with marijuana, though its origins as a shorthand for pot are murky. Does the state really think replacing these signs will deter determined assholes from stealing them? Well, Mile 419.99 isn't the only place in Colorado with a fractional mile marker. Cameron Pass in Larimer County has a "MILE 68.5" sign after frequent thefts of the "MILE 69" sign. So apparently it works. *-- Man walks for 5 1/2 months from Missouri to San Diego --* MPERIAL, Mo. - A Missouri man who took a nearly six-month stroll from his hometown to San Diego said he was inspired by the movie "Forrest Gump." Anthony Lambing, 28, of Imperial said he was watching the 1994 film "for the 22nd or 23rd time" when he became intrigued by the titular character's three-year run back and forth across the United States, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Thursday. "It had been in my mind for a long time," Lambing said. "I liked road trips, and I was a daydreamer." However, Lambing said he decided against running. "I got realistic; I said, I couldn't do that much work," he said. "But walking it would take about six months and was more realistic." Lambing said his research into people who performed similar feats indicated it would take him about six months to walk from Imperial to San Diego, but he set out in August 2011 and arrived in San Diego only 5 1/2 months later. Lambing said he took a cue from "Forrest Gump" and decided to walk just for the sake of walking. "I didn't want to plug a cause. ... Like Forrest Gump said, he just felt like running; I just felt like walking," he said. Lambing said a friend met him in San Diego and they caught a flight home. "Five-and-a-half months to walk out there and 6 hours to fly back," he said. *-- Manual transmission leaves carjackers on foot --* SPRINGFIELD, Mass. - Three men who attempted to steal a Massachusetts delivery driver's car found their getaway impeded by the manual transmission, police said. Springfield police said the driver was stopped to drop off an order around 10:15 p.m. Tuesday when he was approached by three men, one of whom was armed with a knife, the Republican, Springfield, reported Thursday. Sgt. John Delaney said the robbers took the food intended for the delivery and the driver's car keys. "The trio jumped into his car and attempted to steal it, but not one of them knew how to drive a stick-shift car," he said. Delaney said the men argued for a short time before fleeing on foot with the food. *-- Swedes shed their pants for subway ride --* STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Organizers of the No Pants Subway Ride in Stockholm said dozens of people put their lower halves at the mercy of the cold and snow for a trip on the train. Betty Jarra, an organizer of the event, which began in New York in 2002 and has spread internationally, said subway riders took to the tubes in their underwear Sunday amid 14-degree temperatures and falling snow outside, TheLocal.se reported Monday. "It was really nice. We had about 65 people altogether and two more joined in when they saw what was happening," Jarra said. "They just took off their trousers and continued their journey -- and a couple more joined us along the way." Jarra said some subway riders wondered whether their pantless counterparts were mounting a protest. "Some people wondered if we were protesting the weather," she said. "But it's not some important political thing, we're just having fun and trying to get a smile out of other Stockholmers. When we finished up with a group photo, there were about 20 other people standing there taking pictures of us." "A few of them even said they'd join us next year," Jarra said. *-- Parents upset when school gives boy a haircut --* LEHIGH ACRES, Fla. - The parents of a Florida middle school student said a school councilor shaved their son's head to get rid of his Miami Heat-inspired haircut. The family of Danny Valdes, 11, said stepfather Arnaldo Fernandez, owner of Cutting Edge Barbershop, gave Danny a haircut in honor of attending his first Miami Heat game at the end of December and the style included the team's logo, area code and skyline being cut into his hair, WZVN-TV, Naples, reported Monday. However, teachers at Harns Marsh Middle School in Lehigh Acres dubbed the hairstyle to be a distraction and gang related when he returned from winter break Wednesday and he was sent to in-school suspension. Arnaldo said the school's assistant principal called him about the issue. "I told her when he gets home from school I'll cut his hair and I'll make it toward their regulations," Arnaldo said. However, a school councilor performed the haircut with a pair of clippers, saying Arnaldo had given permission. "It's frustrating because to me it seems like they think they got the power to do whatever they want," Arnaldo said. Arnaldo and Stephanie Fernandez, the boy's mother, said they were upset by the school's actions. "I was just really upset because I didn't think their proper protocol was to cut his hair," she said. School officials said the councilor has been advised not to perform any more haircuts. Fernandez said she is moving Danny to a different school. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geni :) ____ .-'& '-. / \ : o o ; ( (_ ) : ; SMILES \ __ / `-._____.-' /`"""`\ / , \ /|/\/\/\ _\ (_|/\/\/\\__) |_______| __)_ |_ (__ jgs (_____|_____) Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?" He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water." -<>- Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!" -<>- During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just whisper it to my wife! -<>- A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention. St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned. "You are a lawyer aren't you?' "Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?" "Oh, no," said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here." -<>- Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears! the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK jerk. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing..... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you.. -<>- A lawyer goes to visit his client on death row, and he says, "I have some good news for you." The client says, "What good news are you talking about? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!" The lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced." --- ...LOL! Thanks Geniann! =============================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: _\|/_ /--\ |[]| _] \/ [_ /_ `==' _\ \\| |// l\ __/j `|-'##| |#||#| |#||#| _|#||#|_ `==" "==` as A woman's guide to understanding men... 1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation- ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf. 3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?" 7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. -<>- During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor, with a chuckle. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?" "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug." -<>>- A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked. "First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick- witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..." "Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!" -<>- A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant. -<>- A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart con- dition, but I wouldn't worry about it." "Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either." -<>- Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!" ========================================================= >-->From TheMouth: .-._.--._ / / -. | \ |__ ,-'______.-' '( c-(_)(_)__ \ .._ . ) \ / `-' /\-|\_ /-. \ / ( , o)\ | | o)\ c - _/\\ / \ \=====| | //======| | / =====_/ |/\===/=/ )==)=) (==|=| | |=|______ (_.-. ) ) '--''-' [nabis] >11 REASONS WHY SNAIL MAIL IS BETTER 1.) SNAIL MAIL can be SHREDDED quickly. 2.) The sender is forced to spend MONEY on the sending process. 3.) Postal glue tastes pretty good. 4.) SNAIL MAIL always calls me "Mr." 5.) I only need to check my mailbox once a day. 6.) Peeling OFF a self-adhering postage stamp is as sensuous an activity as accurately sticking one back ON. 7.) Never having to skip over the ">>>>>" characters. 8.) An aspirin will take care of most paper cuts. 9.) There's no hyperlinks in SNAIL MAIL. 10.) Never having to scroll past 23,000 addresses of folks who received the same boring message that begins with: "This really makes you MONEY!" 11.) SNAIL MAIL makes great kindling. -<>- >Top Ten Programs on Oprah's New Television Network 10. "Law and Oprah" 9. "The Oprentice" 8. "As Oprah's World Turns" 7. "Two and a half Stedmans" 6. "Hawaii Five-Oprah" 5. "Gayle King of Queens" 4. No number 4 — writer making his bucket list 3. "Sofa Repair With Tom Cruise" 2. "Oprahstar Galactica" 1. "More Bullsh** From Dr. Phil" -<>- >Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Monster Movie 10. Monster comes to New York takes in a matinee of "Jersey Boys" and leaves 9. He doesn't eat people he just licks them 8. It's two hours of the creature writing his bucket list 7. It tortures people by showing slides from his trip to the Poconos 6. The monster shows up and FEMA doesn't send help for three days 5. It's entitled "Phantom of the Oprah" 4. The beast with a disfigured face? Joan Rivers 3. Monster's main tactic is to refuse to negotiate with the Writers Guild 2. Werewolf looks like this (photo: Dave with beard) 1. After taunting city for hours, tearful monster is led away by Dr. Phil ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) 100 Years Ago! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/yearsago.html Golden Memories! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/goldenoldie.html Golden Memories 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/goldenoldie2.html Maxine Christmas! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxinechristmas.html Puppy Christmas! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/puppychristmas.html Amazing Photos! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/amazingphotos.html Happy Thoughts! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/happythoughts.html Chalk Art 6! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart6.html God's Most Beautiful! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mostbeautiful.html Snow Quilts! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowquilts.html Wood Stacking Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodstacking.html Adopted Chimp http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/adoptedchimp.html God's Little Love Notes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/notes.html -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) Health http://www.cbn.com/tv/1472017228001 Everyone on Medicare needs to watch this,it is only 3 three mins. and it WILL save you a lot of grief..... http://tinyurl.com/l64x6tz Easy Battery Test http://www.youtube.com/embed/Y_m6p99l6ME --- ...Most Useful! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >From Our Friend PatDeE :) : Something to cheer you up...sort of! http://media.y8.com/system/contents/13365/original/Falling_Obama.swf --- ...TeHee! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) 100 Years in 10 Minutes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xxh-sS8Qoco&feature=player_embedded Guide to Snowflakes http://www.its.caltech.edu/~atomic/snowcrystals/class/class.htm Check out Fun in Hluhluwe Umfolozi mud bath with starring role for baby eleph http://tinyurl.com/clb38or --- ...Heartwarming! Thanks Melody! ========================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Business analysts say that McDonald's is doing really well lately because Americans have to spend more money on gas so they're going to McDonald's rather than more expensive rest- aurants. So basically, as Americans have to spend more for oil they're looking to pay less for grease." --Jay Leno "A Japanese company bought the Jim Beam whiskey distillery for $16 billion. This morning the Japanese company woke up in an alley and said, 'I did what?'" -Conan O'Brien "There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It's pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives." -Jimmy Fallon "A big movie opened today, 'The Legend of Hercules.' According to Greek mythology, Hercules was the son of Zeus. He was born with incredible strength. But it turned out to be a lie after he sat down with Oprah and confessed to using steroids." -Craig Ferguson "Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free." -Jimmy Fallon "You know how sometimes during war time, civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is this -- no Japanese people are being sent to any camps. The bad news is, that time you got hammered and drunk dialed your ex-girlfriend who's study- ing abroad and sang her that WHAM! song that was 'your song' -- uh, the government's got that on tape." --Jon Stewart "It's so cold that doctors are telling people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Then parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days were like, 'It's worth the risk.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone - known as 'Siberia.'" -Jay Leno "In Seattle, a woman ate nothing but Starbucks food for a year. Not intentionally. It just took her that long to get to the front of the line." -Conan O'Brien >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? 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