Convicts, Crazy Eights, Angel Or Moth... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* NOTE: I hope everyone gets their group emails proper. I've noticed that Yahoo lately has not been sending me a copy though I check and see the email is on the group page. Normally you will get the SMILES every Monday/Tuesday, an EXTRA both on Wednesdays and Sundays, and the INSPIRATIONS every Thursday/ Friday. I sometimes will skip an EXTRA but unless I notify you, I will always do the SMILES and INSPIRATIONS. If you are ever in doubt or missing emails, check on the group page at Yahoo here: https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/ShangyFunList/conversations/messages or my website page here: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ShangyFunList.html Or, you can always email me direct. :) ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This too hot to handle new page is from our friends LouiseAu and PatDeE. It's one to give you your aww quota for the day along with plenty of smiles. Be sure to check this sweet one out here... ________________ '------._.------'\ \_______________\ .'| .'| .'_____________.' .| | | | | Scooby _.-. | . | | * (_.-' | | | Snacks | .| | * * | .' |______________|.' LGB Loveable Pooches http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/loveablepooches.html --- ...Awww, so endearing! Thanks my friends! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: _________________________ || || || || || ||, , ,|| || || (||/|/(\||/ || || ||| _'_`||| || || || o o || || || (|| - `||) || || || = || || ScS || ||\___/|| || ||___||) , (||___|| /||---||-\_/-||---||\ / ||--_||_____||_--|| \ (_(||)-| S123-45 |-(||)_) |"""""""""""""""""""""""""""| | "Honest, ossifer, I don't | |'member whips, chains, and | | leather womens....*burp*" | """"""""""""""""""""""""""" Sher^ Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too." "Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?" "No. Because they eloped." -<>- "Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?" "Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor. "And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies. "Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?" "Throw out another anchor, Captain." "Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit. He got to keep his job. -<>- Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?" ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ May 21 is National Memo Day and National Waiters and Waitresses Day May 22 is Buy a Musical Instrument Day and World Goth Day May 23 is Lucky Penny Day May 24 is National Escargot Day and Victoria Day(Canada) May 25 is Don't Fry Friday, National Missing Children's Day, National Brown Bag It Day, National Towel Day - in the UK, National Wine Day and Tap Dance Day May 26 is International Jazz Day and Sally Ride Day May 27 is Sun Screen Day ========================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: .------. .------. |A . | |A_ _ | .------; / \ | |( \/ )|-----. _ |(_,_) | | \ / | /\ |( ) | I A| | \/ A|/ \ |_x_) |------' `-----+'\ / | Y A| | \/ A|-----' hjw `------' >Crazy Eights My four-year-old daughter had just learned to play the card game Crazy Eights, and it quickly became her favorite pastime. One afternoon, I played endless games, keeping one eye on the clock as I waited for my sister to arrive. When the doorbell rang, a look of disappointment crossed her face. "That's okay, sweetie," I said. "You can play with your kitten instead." "But," she wailed, "she doesn't know how to hold the cards!" -<>- >Good News / Bad News "I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140." -<>- >ID Required My friend Bev and her husband were fixing their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard. After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID." the clerk said. "I don't have one on me," Bev replied. The cashier called over the manager who examined the check. Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?" Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson." "I think you can take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother." -<>- >The Old Days - 45's A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s, before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week. She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?" -<>- >Colorful Language My husband was constantly working on our defective washing machine, and his language was often colorful. One day our daughter returned home from a movie, and we asked if she had learned anything from it. "Only a lot of four-letter words," she told us, "that until now I always thought were parts of our washing machine." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) _._ .' `. | | "=======" $ ^ ^ $ ` # ' `._.' _.'< ' >'-._ .' \ / ' / v \ / . .: . | . `' .: ` ' : ` :. `. : :. ` / \ : : < ) / \ : : : ` `*=---=* . / : ) | ' ` ) \` `.' :; | ( `\-. \( / |. \ ) ) ` ( `-' _Y- `'\' \ | )\ ) : ) \ : . \ ` | \ ` , ( : . :' \ \ ` | . \ : | ' ) \ \ : ) .' mb \ .' | | ( a:f \ (__| (__) \ .__.--..' ; | `-..--.--, \ +._____.-=__] [__.--===::-' >SMILES A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. "I hurt," the man said. "You don't know how it feels." "I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations." "Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon." -------- Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX". Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..." Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name." -------- One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied John, "you just cook better now." -------- A husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting some of her friends and former schoolmates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and bored. The band cranks up, and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people...the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me, and I turned him down." Husband says, "Wow, looks like he's still celebrating!" ------- A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" -------- Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He replied, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." -------- A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son replies, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. The boy says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad asks, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother! Robot now for sale. ------- There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc. This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene. Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. "You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him. "Oh, relax, says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone." "Just keep your mouth shut," says she again. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story." "I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? -------- On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?" "I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity." --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) _...._ .` `. / *** \ The Crystal Ball : ** : says......... : : You don't really \ / believe in fortunes, `-.,,,,.-' do you? _( )_ ) ( ( ) `-......-`lc >Funnies A Mexican woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?” The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, She responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?” “Yes granddaughter, it’s me.” The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?” Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.” The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.” “Anything, my child.” “Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?” -<>- >Women's response to 'how big' question 2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches - I've had bigger than that. 5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger! 6 inches - Perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow! but can’t have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach . This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches! Hmmm, I wonder about the way you think! This is why I worry about you! --- ...Haha! Thanks Geniann! -<>- , __ _.-"` `'-. /||\'._ __{}_( |||| |'--.__\ | L.( ^_\^ \ .-' | _ | | | )\___/ | \-'`:._] jgs \__/; '-. >Thoughts... Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question: "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?" From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied: "First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day. Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow: PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action. CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file. RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us. STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people. Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one of our favorites. Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista. -- Thought for today "Thank you, God, for this good life, and forgive us if we don't love it enough." - Garrison Keillor --- ...LOL! Great letter! Thanks Geniann! Not to mention they do all this 'harassing' for us for not much more than minimum wage! Most not even as much as McD workers want! Amazing! ========================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: Sean Hannity - 5/18/18 - Worse than Watergate! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTBJrD_V9hE Trump Donates First-Quarter 2018 Salary to VA - Politico https://tinyurl.com/y8tu6gd Gina Haspel Confirmed As New CIA Director - The Associated Press https://tinyurl.com/yaqa85hn U.S. Companies Seen Investing More in Business This Year After Tax Cuts - Reuters https://tinyurl.com/yd6anjq2 WhiteHouseNews: https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Latest From RightAlerts: http://rightalerts.com Latest At FoxNews: http://www.foxnews.com/ Latest From MRC News: https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck Latest From TrueDailyNews: http://truedaily.news/category/news/ -<>- >From BizarreNews: Horton hears a poo... How many times have you heard a person say that they don't give a sh%& about this or about that? Well, here is one woman in Canada who does give a sh%&. This is the kind of story you'd find hard to believe if there wasn't video evidence. It started in the most Canadian way possible. The unidentified woman was caught on security video having a heated argument with an employee at a Tim Hortons in British Columbia. There is no audio, but you can see the argument begins to escalate when the woman starts throwing things around. There is no explanation for what the fight was about, or for what happens next, but the woman decided to punctuate her argument by dropping her pants and then dropping a deuce right on the floor. That would be enough of an 'F--- You' for most people, but this woman then picked her deposit up and threw it at the employee. Despite her rage she still had the good sense to grab some napkins to wipe herself with before pulling her underpants back up. Police later arrested the woman in the parking lot and are still determining charges. But I think the calm indifference with which the rest of the patrons observed the incident is a real testament to Canadian restraint. -<>- Finders Keepers? A New York man who was having some landscaping done in his backyard discovered a buried safe filled with valuables that were stolen seven years ago. Matthew Emanuel said he hired Bob Foley and his New Jersey landscaping company to replace some damaged trees in his Staten Island backyard with deer-resistant bamboo. While they were digging, the workers came across a large metal box. "I thought it had something to do with electricity or some- thing," Emanuel told the Staten Island Advance. He soon discovered, however, that the box had a dial on one side -- it was a safe. The landscapers opened the weather-beaten safe with a pickax, revealing it was loaded with valuables. "There it was, all these bags, zip bags with cash, gold, diamonds, it was incredible," Emanuel said. Emanuel said he and his wife found $16,300 in salvageable cash, while many other large bills had been damaged by water getting into the safe. He said a slip of paper inside the safe indicated it belonged to a neighbor he knew in passing, so he visited their home to tell them about the buried treasure. The couple told Emanuel the safe had been taken during a burglary in 2011 and they had given up hope of ever seeing their belongings again. Emanuel and his wife decided to place a ceramic elephant in the spot where they found the safe, to mark it as a lucky location. *------------------- Florida -------------------* A Florida high school apologized after sparking outrage with a surprise appearance by a live tiger at the school's jungle- themed prom. Students and family members said they were surprised when the Christopher Columbus High School prom featured surprise animal guests including a caged tiger, a fennec fox, a lemur and two macaw parrots. Mari-Cristine Castellanos, whose brother attends the school, posted cell- phone footage of the tiger to Facebook. "This poor tiger was used as an EXOTIC amusement for the mindless teenagers who were present, it is not the student[s] fault to be so naive BUT it's the CCHS STAFF who arranged this event, therefore they are responsible for this tiger's misery," Castellanos wrote. The school said in a statement that the tiger was not harmed by the experience. "The tiger, which was displayed for a few minutes in a cage, was never harmed or in danger, was not forced to perform, was always accompanied by his handlers." *-- Barbershop Client a Real Pain in the Glass --* Customer service (or lack thereor) seems to be a theme this week. When a client at a Brooklyn barbershop complained about his haircut, the stylist threw him out of the salon; via the window. The 33-year-old victim was at the Levels Barbershop in Crown Heights. Police say he threatened to withhold payment for the cut because he didn't like it. The barber was enraged and shoved him through the storefront window, police said. The attack left a gaping hole in the glass. The victim's face was severely cut and his clothing was covered in blood. He was taken by ambulance to a hospital. The stylist ran off. Other barbers there said they didn't know the stylist's name or how to reach him. Because that's part of the famous barbers' code of silence. They never talk. Just like the mafia. *----------- Woman Killed by Wieners -----------* A tragedy befell an Oklahoma woman when she was attacked and mauled to death by a pack of wieners; or dachshunds as they are commonly called. The pint-sized predators attacked the 52-year-old woman as she was walking outside her home. The pack consisted of three females and four males, none of the dogs stood taller than knee-high. Their legs were described as shorter than an adult's hands. One of the dogs was shot after charging at a Carter County deputy who responded to the attack, and the other six were euthanized at the owner's request at a local veterinary clinic, the reports said. The dogs owner could face charges, according to police. *--------------- Angel or Moth? ---------------* A group of people in Michigan believe they captured a picture of an angel. "I said 'That's an angel!' And I was just blown away," said Glen Thorman, whose security camera captured the image. "I couldn't wait to send it to my wife and send it to Deneille. And I said 'My camera took a picture of an angel.'" The camera is only activated by a motion sensor. Last week, it emailed him a picture that shows what he says looks like an angel hovering over his truck, then moving out of the frame. One of the first things he did was send the picture to the pastor of his church, Deneille Moes. Moes posted the photos on the church's Facebook page where it has gotten hundreds of shares. "There's no editing on the photo," Moes said. "It's the real thing." Whether the image was a sign from heaven or an insect flying in front of the camera, the people who found it say they feel like their prayers have been answered. .-"""""""---,. n, ..--------.. \- ,,'''-.. n '\. ,.n ..--'' ) \- . .,;)) ''-, \ ''.. .'"'. .,-'' .n ..-'' (( o _/ \- ' ''''':' ''-.'"|'--_ ' ' ,.--'''..-'' ' ' ' - . _/ \- ''->. \' ,--. '/' >..'' _/ \ (, / /. .\ \ '' ,) ./ ''. . .. ') \ .. / (' .. ./ ''-... . ._ .__ .''. //..\\ ,'. __ _ _,__.--' /' (( ..'' ' ' '-' 6 \/__\/ ' '- - -' ' ','' - '\ '(. 6, '.. /. '' .' ,,' ) ) ) '\ \'C_,_ ==, / '_ _|\ ,'', ,,_.;-' _/ '._ , ') E /'|_ ')()('_' \ C ,I''' _.-' ''''''\ ((' ,/ '' (()) '' '-._ _ __---''' '' '' ' '==='()'==' '( )' PhH Acherontia atropos '6 ' (Totenkopfschwaermer, \ / Death's Head Hawk-moth, ' ' P"a"akallokiit"aj"a) ' ' ' ' ' ' '..' --- ...I found this story - complete with photos - just for you :) https://tinyurl.com/ybo9gfdb ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: .'''. '(("""))' '((O.O))' '; o ;' .("|((, / | || (_ | |/ ,'..,' : ScS @[.,..' \ `, | | | >Where's Daddy? "Will the father be present during the birth?" the obstetrician asked solicitously. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along." -<>- >I Can't Serve You A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the bartender. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 18," replies the bartender. -<>- >It's Dark In Here Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." -<>- >Q and A Quickies Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law! Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Because peeing in the bath is disgusting! Q: How does a girl vampire flirt? A: She bats her eyes. Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind. Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe. Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot! ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: . ________________________ | //~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\\| ()//________________________\\() /_/________________________\_\ || _______ PLYMOUTH _______ || ||(_______)_____.____(_______)|| |\______________________________/| | |(_)----\____/----(_)| | | |/ \| | |_____|jro |_____| 1970 model Plymouth Road Runner 383 440, or 426Hemi engine (440's for me) Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said. "It's my old Plymouth!" -<>- A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!" "Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?" "Six," replies the boy. "Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?" "I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we'll be okay." "I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have any children?" "Well," says the boy, "so far we've been lucky." -<>- So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! -<>- "Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. and Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." -<>- A man just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of them. It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go." He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, "Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go" He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked, "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?" The man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom..." -<>- An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married last night." The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?" ========================================================= >-->From TheMouth: .-. _.--"""".o/ .-.-._ __' ."""; { _J ,__ `. ; o\.-.`._.'J; ; / `- / ; `--i`". `" .'; `._ __.' | \ `""" \ `; : `."-. ; ____/ / `-.` `-.-' `"-..' ___ `;__.-'" `. .-{_ `--._ /.-" `-. / ""T ""---...' _.-"" """-. `. ; / __.-"". `. `, _.. \ / __.-"" '. \ `.,__ .'L' } `---"`-.__ __." .-. j `. : `. .' ,' / """" / \ : `. | F' \ ; ; `-._,L_,-""-. `-, ; ` ; / `. 7 `-._ `.__/_ \/ \ _; \ _.' `-. / `---" `.___,, ;"" \ .' _/ ; `" .-" _,-' { ""; ;-.____.'`. fsc `. \ '. : \ : : / `':/ ` >Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Director (Presented By Ron Howard) 10. The stuntman called in sick — we're gonna set you on fire 9. Sorry, I forgot to take the lens cap off 8. This piece of crap's going straight to DVD 7. Dammit, I keep forgetting to take the lens cap off 6. I've got my shot list, but can someone please find my pants? 5. I'm drunk 4. Potsie, come quick! Ralph Malph's stuck in a phone booth with the Polinga triplets 3. We need to do some reshoots because I licked the film 2. I hope you don't mind, I shot some footage of you in the shower 1. OK Hanks, start Gumping it up! -<>- _________ ' |. |_ . |. |:| . .-----. ` |. |/ / RIP \ |_________| | | __|___|__ ____________|_______|______[_________]______________ | | | _______ _______ ______ __ __ _______ ______ | | | __| | | | |/ | ___| __ \ | | |__ | | | ---| <| ___| < | | |_______|_______|______|__|\__|_______|___|__| | | | | | |____________________________________________________| b'ger >Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark * "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." * "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" * "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." * "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you." * "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" * "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." * "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." * "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." * "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!" * "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." * "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." * "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine." * "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! * "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise." * "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." * "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." * "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." * "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" * "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." * "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep." * "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas) ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Bobcat On A Cactus! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bobcatoncactus.html Extreme Dog Grooming! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doggrooming.html Koala's In A Heatwave! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/koalas.html Ricochet The Surf Dog! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ricochet.html Extreme Camping! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/camp.htm Newborn Moose http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moose.html Old US City Photos http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/uscities.html Wall Mural Art 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wallart2.html Playing With Food! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food.html When Artists Get Bored! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/abored.html There's Something About Mona 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/monalisa2.html Liberty Air Show http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/liberty.html Lambeau Field Tribute! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/footballvet.html Kodachrome Photos From 1942/43 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kodachrome1942.html 9/11 and Troop Index Page: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/911andtroopsindex.html -<>- >Please Visit/Follow Me On StumbleUpon: https://tinyurl.com/y7mc69fs Some of Shangrala's Best Pages http://www.amazfamily.com/index.html -<>- The Many, Many Voices of Batman, Ranked From io9.com: Many actors have donned the bat-mantle to provide a voice to Gotham's Dark Knight over decades of film, TV, and games. But who's done it best? Here's our bat-ranking of Gotham's finest voice actors. How does your favorite rank? https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-many-many-voices-of-batman-ranked-1825870290 The Most Popular '90s Sitcom in Each State From MentalFloss.com: Do you have the same taste in TV as the majority of the people in your state? The folks over at satellite provider USDish.com put together a map of the most popular '90s sitcom in each of the 50 states. https://tinyurl.com/yb4y77t8 Top 100 Comic Book Villains of All Time A great comic book hero is nothing without a villain. See where your favorite comic book villain ranks on this list. Number one surprised me. http://www.ign.com/lists/top-100-comic-book-villains/ RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT Have you ever seen a replica of the Mona Lisa made all of toast? Or, how about instruments of torture? Watch videos of a person smoking a pipe through his eye, a lady eating razors, and a man who can put his head on backwards. Visit this site to see the weird, wacky, and down right scary believe it or not files. http://www.ripleys.com/ DUMB WARNINGS These warnings are the consequences of numerous pointless lawsuits. In addition to the stupid warnings, you can also laugh at dumb bumper stickers, facts, criminal acts, and laws. http://www.dumbwarnings.com/ -<>- >From Our Friend Cloie :) She sent us an awesome one we have here... Military WWII Posters http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/militarywwii.html --- ...Love This! Thanks Cloie! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) How to stop Telemarketers the Jerry Seinfeld way. Jerry Seinfeld's brilliant response to a telemarketer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hllDWSbuDsQ --- ...Such a funny guy! Thanks LouiseAu! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample, and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, 'Lady, if you wanted hot urine, you could've just poured yourself a coffee.'" -Jimmy Fallon "Starting this week, every fast food chain in America has to post calorie counts on their menus. You can tell people are confused, because today they read the menu like, 'I'll have the Whopper 3,000!'" -Jimmy Fallon "A Colorado woman was tracked down by police after blowing up a microwave at 7-Eleven. Now, that's not the crazy part - she did it while trying to heat a cup of urine. I sympathize with this woman, I know how it can be in the morning. I mean, don't even talk to me until I've had my first cup of urine." -James Corden "A new poll has found that a majority of Americans say that driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly. Specifically, if they don't cross the street fast enough." -Seth Meyers "A New Hampshire man who went hiking and was reported missing by his wife now owes the government thousands of dollars for the search effort, because when they found him, he had been staying in a luxury hotel. He has to pay thousands of dollars - and that's just for eating the macadamia nuts from the mini-bar." -James Corden "Einstein Bros. Bagels shop is now serving mac and cheese bagels. So if you love bagels, and you love mac and cheese, I hope you have a great personality." -Seth Meyers "A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door." -Seth Meyers "A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right." -Jimmy Fallon "Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair." --George Burns "There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it." --Mary Wilson Little "Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement." --C. S. Lewis >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE:Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************