Darth Vader Misquote And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Learning About The World __T__I___...__7~ ,_ `"|-=||==|==|==| [_`'---...,____|"_||__|__|__|_ | `'---...__PHILOMENA D_______] jgs~^~-~^-^~^'----~^~---~---------~^---'`~^-^~~^-^~^ A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son. If you don't ask questions,... you'll never learn anything!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) At The Movies An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats. "Sorry, sir," the usher said, "but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All right buddy," the manager said, "what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where did you come from, Sam?" With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ April 20 is Look Alike Day and Patriot's Day April 21 is Kindergarten Day April 22 is Girl Scout Leader Day and National Jelly Bean Day April 23 is Lover's Day and National Zucchini Bread Day April 24 is Pig in a Blanket Day April 25 is East meets West Day and World Penguin Day April 26 is Hug an Australian Day and National Pretzel Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: ,---------. ||"""""""|| || || |/-->&<--\| | (._.) | | ( @ ) | | /|`"|\ | //(_\___/_)\\ \\_()___()_// `+---I---+' |\(_)|(_)/| >Baby Car Seats A man and wife were making our way back to their car in the packed shopping-center parking lot. As they squeezed between cars, the husband pointed to a couple of baby car seats strapped in the backseat of one. "Look, dear," he exclaimed, "this one comes with duel exhaustion!" -<>- >Big Fish Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back. The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked. The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan." -<>- >First Day of School My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure we had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, I woke everybody up early, so early that it was still dark. I was getting dressed when my little daughter came into my room looking troubled. "What's wrong? I asked, mustering as much cheerfulness as I could at that hour. "This is your big day!" She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school." -<>- >Gambling When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" -<>- >Paying the Bill A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) _|_ | / \ //_\\ //(_)\\ |/^\| ,%%%% // \\ ,@@@@@@@, ,%%%%/%%% // \\ ,@@@\@@@@/@@, @@@%%%\%%//%%%// === \\ @@\@@@/@@@@@ @@@@%%%%\%%%%%// =-=-= \\@@@@\@@@@@@;%#####, @@@@%%%\%%/%%// === \\@@@@@@/@@@%%%######, @@@@@%%%%/%%//| |\\@\\//@@%%%%%%#/#### '@@@@@%%\\/%~ | | ~ @|| %\\//%%%#####; @@\\//@|| | __ __ | || %%||%%'###### '@|| || | | | | | || ||##\//#### || || | | -|- | | || ||'#||###' || || |_|__|__|_| || || || || ||_/` ======= `\__||_._|| || jgs__||_/` ======= `\_||___ >Smiles The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'You look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied his wife. "But then, he said, 'It looks great from back here, too!'" -------- Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA) found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." -------- "Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud?" asked the old man. "I noticed that when you sneeze you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?" ------- A brunette, a redhead and a blond all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!" -------- Josh was helping Sally, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires." -------- `-.__.-*-. .-*+- .-*'\: `-._/ .' .' ; .-' `._ .' / `-. `. / .-' `+. `. .' / .'\ `-. ; / / `. ` \ | _.' : \ \ | `-.-'/ _ '|\ \ ; ; `. : / / / .' `./.: ; ,|;: | \ \ . .-' .' .-'/ ;|| ::| | `. ; ; : / / .-' .' / :: ' :\ ,: | ,*"*-:' / /.'.-*' .'; ', / ; ; \ :.-*"*. |'TP' .-'.'' / .-' , //.' : ' . : '.s$P`| ; / .' .'/ .' .' <_.' ` |/ : '\ T$P : |/_.-*" /.'.-' ___ \ ___ |/ db. `. | .-'_.-' ; .' s$$$$$s ; s$$$$$s ; d$$ `-.+-; .'.-'_.-*' d$b T$$$$$P T$$$$$P/.d$$$b , /.'.-'\ \ ;/ $$ """ : """ ` $$ TP / : .' \ /, d$$ ; $$b / |/ [bug] ,:-. \ .-*' ' |; \__;`. ,' . `. / :__/ : | ; ; : | : `._ _.' ; "*--*" ` ` ' \ \ .-*--*-. / \ ;*""**""*: / `. :`. .'; .' \ `.`""'.' / `. `""' .' `.__.' >They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail! I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail! I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. They Walk Among Us! And Many Work Retail! I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us! One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" They Walk Among Us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff." They Walk Among Us! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us! While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." They Walk Among Us and they Reproduce the money again. I gave her the Money back... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. They Walk Among Us! And Many Work Retail! I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us! One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" They Walk Among Us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff." They Walk Among Us! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us! While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." They Walk Among Us and they Reproduce --- ...LOL! Crazy! Thanks LouiseA! -------- _.-""""-. ( ': '. .___.' : : _.."----".._ .-" "-. ." ". .":.".. .' `. : '.' : :" "": : .-" .'""-: .-"""-. :": : : ". .' `. : " '-._ : : _:" : : "" : : : : _ : : : '. : : : `#. ' : : _:. : '. ' `#. : grp : '._ .' : . ." .-" :"-._ _.-" (_. '. ""------"" (_.: . : '.:`-' .::"- .:::::. .':::::::: ' `::::' " >Things to Think About: -Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. -If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? -Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? -So what's the speed of dark? -If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? -Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? -Why do banks charge you interest on Non-Sufficient Funds when all along its money they already know you don't have? -Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? -Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? -If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? -Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. -Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? -Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? -If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? -If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? -I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. --- ...LOL! Great Ones! Thanks LouiseA! ------- /\ / \ _-| ,' \ _,m; | d| L _mdMP' | dM| | ,dMMMF | dMM| | dMMMMF .' ,MMM| |-'""`-./`QMM| | |MMMJ | | `.RP"| ,' |MMMMl |,-;'`. |\`.| ,/ ,d| |MMMM'\,',' \ | `.|'/,MMF |MP"` / / \ | | q/ _t| /,' _____ | /___ | ,' -' `.| | / _._\ |'|,m.)|<:_ ,' ,-'| | \ |MMMD `^"'.| `. | / | |__`>`''-'"".\ | | |,'____\ `---'_--'" ` / \ `. /-' |--._ .__--"' (, ) \ |-'\ | \\-. //`-' `. /| || || \ __// | / | >``--[ | \_-""".,/`._\ | ,' | |-' `\ ,' / ,' |,' | |,----..' ( /`. ' `. ||____|| `-' `. > `-..._|.m. _.m| / `.._.qMMMMMMMD CMMM| / `VML. `V' | VMML..___.,-' | | ,mmm._ /| | ,dMMMMP""``-.___,-' | | ,dMMMMP"' / _.- | dMMMMMMb | | | dMMMMMMMb. / | | ' `"qMM| `. | _,-` `M` `-.___.,^----' | `. | |' | .' `-_ _| | | | `-._____,-' `\_J |md| |MMb |MM| ,mmMMMMMMMUD |MMMMMMSmr. hjm `"qMMMMP"' `"""^^^^^" >The Rules of Chocolate If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit. Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. --- ...Hey, now, these are doable! TeeHee! Thanks LouiseA! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: Okay, so you are driving around with a large quantity of loose gunpowder in your front seat (for some reason). If you get the urge to spark up a smoke, don't! That is unless you are planning on making a homemade bomb, in which case go ahead and light up. It is unclear whether Joseph Brennan of Massachusetts was planning to make a bomb. What is clear is that he blew himself clean out of the driver's door of his Toyota Camry when he lit a smoke. A bystander heard the explosion from a block away and came running. He found Brennan with singed hair and burns on his face, lying in the street next to his burning vehicle. "I'm an idiot," was the first thing Brennan allegedly told the bystander. "I lit a cigarette with gunpowder in the front seat." Once again, what Brennan was doing with loose gunpowder is unclear, but according to the bystander he risked his life to go back to his wrecked vehicle where he allegedly removed multiple items and put them in the trunk. This, of course, did not deter the police who searched Brennan's car, where they removed 14 liquids and powders, some of which when combined could create what they called a destructive device. Sounds like 'bomb' to me. Brennan allegedly told police he had gotten various materials from a friend to tinker with. "I wasn't going to do anything malicious," he said, according to the report. Police Chief Theodore Ross said in a statement that law enforcement searched Brennan's house and found "precursor components, detonators, and one completed incendiary device." Although Brennan's Facebook page shows an interest in rocket propellants, so it is probably harmless tinkering. Bomb or amateur rocketry, he certainly found a quick way to remove a lot of body hair. *-- Minnesota Senate votes to keep ban on eye contact --* ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) - The Minnesota Senate voted to keep rules banning senators from making eye contact during floor debate and from having drinking water on the floor. Sen. Warren Limmer, R-Maple Grove, spoke in favor of striking the rule that bars senators from looking at one another during floor debate, requiring them to instead keep their eyes on the Senate president. "I find this particular rule of the Senate, dare I say, antiquated," Limmer said. However, Senate Majority Leader Tom Bakk, D-Cook, said the rule is still relevant to the process. He said looking at one another during debates could cause deliberations to become personal. "Our decorum would probably not be as Senate-like as we would like to have it" if the rule was changed, Bakk said. The Senate sided with Bakk in a 15-44 vote. The body also voted 10-51 Monday to keep a longstanding ban on beverages, including water, on the floor of the Senate. The votes earned the Senate some ribbing on Twitter from colleagues in the Minnesota House of Representatives. "Long Live the House! Where even Senators can come over and drink water on the House Floor," Rep. Tim Sanders, R-37B, tweeted. "Other Senate rules: use secret handshake, speak in iambic pentameter, drag Stone of Shame if you violate a rule," tweeted Rep. Mike Freiberg, D-45B. *-- Georgia man's bullet bounces off armadillo, hits mother- in-law --* LEESBURG, Ga. (UPI) - Police in Georgia said a bullet fired at an armadillo ricocheted off the animal's armored hide and struck the shooter's mother-in-law. The Lee County Sheriff's Office said Larry McElroy, 54, fired his 9 mm pistol at an armadillo Sunday night and the bullet bounced off the animal's armored skin and went through a fence, a door and a chair to strike mother-in-law Carol Johnson, 74, in the back. Investigators said McElroy was about 100 yards away from Johnson's home when he fired the shot, which killed the armadillo. Bill Smith, an investigator with the sheriff's office, said Johnson was not severely injured. "She was walking around on her own power and talking," Smith told WALB-TV. "It didn't appear to be too severe. They took her to Phoebe North [hospital]." He described the case, which did not lead to any arrests or citations, as bizarre. "Just the circumstances, just all the way around, the whole situation was unusual," Smith said. Smith said shooting at nuisance armadillos is not against the law, but McElroy might want to use a different gun next time. "I really think if they're going to shoot at varmints and whatnot, maybe use a shotgun... with a spread pattern with a lot less range," Smith said. Armadillos are often seen as a nuisance by those whose lawns and gardens have been targeted by the skilled diggers. *-- Police at Texas fest played rock-paper-scissors with underage drinker --* SNOOK, Texas (UPI) - A game of rock-paper-scissors at a Texas Chilifest landed three officers in hot water when they allowed an underage drinker to play the ability to avoid a citation. Constable Dennis Gaas of Burleson County Precinct 2 said the three officers, who work for two different departments, were working security at Chilifest in Snook when they were caught on video allowing a teen girl to play a round of rock-paper-scissors with one of the officers in a bid to avoid a citation. Video of the game, originally posted to humor website Total Frat Move, shows the girl win the game and celebrate her victory. Gaas said the officers were informed they would not be asked to work security at future events and they were reported to their respective supervisors. He did not identify the officers or the agencies where they work. The constable said "officers are given the choice of giving a warning or issuing a citation for any violation they encounter during this event," but he said "playing a game to see if a citation or warning is given does not fall under professional conduct." "I hope that the public will realize that this was a few officers and not all the officers at Chilifest," Gaas said. "Those who came and performed the job that was requested and required to make this event safe and enjoyable, should be commended for a job well done." *-- San Diego surgeons treat man's 'Candy Crush thumb' --* SAN DIEGO (UPI) - A team of San Diego doctors said a 29-year-old man was treated for "Candy Crush thumb" after he tore a tendon from playing the smartphone color-matching game. The doctors, writing in medical journal JAMA Internal Medicine, said the man was found to have ruptured a tendon in his thumb and he told doctors the injury had come after he played Candy Crush Saga on his phone "all day for 6 to 8 weeks." The tendon was fixed in surgery, the study said. The study authors said the man did not report any pain in his thumb until the tendon actually ruptured, indicating an addiction to the game may have caused the patient to feel less pain. "The potential for video games to reduce pain perception raises clinical and social considerations about excessive use, abuse, and addiction," they wrote. "Future research should consider whether pain reduction is a reason some individuals play video games excessively, manifest addiction, or sustain injuries associated with video gaming." "Candy Crush thumb" is the latest condition to result from smartphone technology that previously gave rise to the term "text neck." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend GloriaB :) ___________ `:::::::::' ':::::::' -._:::::::_.- :""""""""""""""""": : . \ .- . : : : 0 0 .' : : ' ..::. : : ::::::: : .': ':::::' :`. : : "" : : `. : __ :.' ": .' ". : : : : : : ' : :_____ _____: __ : : :.--. grp ." " : ' : '. : .' `-...-"'-..-" >For all of us who are retired or hope to be someday! As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me! 1.. If walking was good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. AMEN! >Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter - I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE...?????? --- ...LOL! Thanks GloriaB! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend gh0striders :) _ .-. .--''` ) _ | |/` .-'` ( `\ /` _) _. -'._ /` .' .-.-; `).' / \ \ (`, \_o/_o/__ / .-''` ``'-. { /` ,___.--''` { ; '-. \ \ _ _ { |'-....-`'.\_\ I'm Telling! / './ '. \ \ `"` _ \ \ | \ \ ( '-.J \_..----.._ __) `\--..__ .-` ` `\ ''--...--. (_,.--""`/` .- `\ .__ _) | ( } .__ _) \_, '. }_ - _.' \_, '. } `'--' '._. ,_) / | / .' \ | _ .-' \__/;--.||-' _|| _||__ __ _ __.-` "`)(` `" ```._) jgs (_`,- ,-' `''-. '-._) ( ( / '.__.' `"`'--' >Peta? Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried Chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried Chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love Animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what Famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now... -<>- >Who said seniors are slow? A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The old gentleman paused then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State-Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper. ---- ...LOL! Great Classics! Thanks gh0striders! -<>- . / \ _\ /_ . . (,'v`.) . . \) ( ) ,' `. ( ) (/ \`. / `-' `-' \ ,'/ : ' _______ ' : | _,-' ,-. `-._ | |,' ( )__`-'__( ) `.| (|,-,'-._ _.-`.-.|) / /<( o)> <( o)>\ \ : : | | : : | | ; : | | | | (.-.) | | | | ,' ___ `. | | ; |)/ ,'---'. \(| : _,-/ |/\( )/\| \-._ _..--'.-( | `-'''-' | )-.`--.._ `. ;`._________,': ,' ,' `/ \'`. `------.------' SSt ' >King Authur This is long to read but funny at the very, very end. Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered t he predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? . . . . . . . . Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is... If you don't let a woman have her own way... Things are going to get ugly! --- ...HaHa! May be long - but it is right on! Thanks gh0striders! ============================================================ >-->From CleanLaffs: . ( ) ' . ( ( ) ,___________. | _________ | || ,### || || ####' %|| || ##` #|| || :### # || || '####/ || || ##` || || ###; || ||-_-_-_-_-|| || '###; || || '6#' || || ;#' || || ;#`#; || || #!' # || ||%____#___|| |___________| Taliszanna I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked. "She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower." -<>- Knock knock Who's there? Golaith Goliath who? Goliath down, you looketh tired. -<>- A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing. As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?" -<>- The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion, but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she became a waitress at a roadside truckstop. One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!" -<>- Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue. The usher asked, "Are you a friend of the bride?" Sadie quickly relied, "No, of course not. I am the groom's mother." -<>- The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long- term capital gain?" -<>- The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits. One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me." To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall." -<>- This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup. The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home." -<>- The new bride had spent two hours preparing pumpkin pie for their first Thanksgiving dinner together. During desert, she watched her husband slowly savor each forkful. "How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished. "Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start." -<>- A little boy took the chair at the barbershop. "How would you like your hair cut today, son?" asked the barber. "Oh, do it like you do Daddy's, with the big hole at the back." ========================================================= >-->From TheMouth: . . . . o88888888888888 d88b . 8888888b. . . . Y88<""""888"""" j8PY8i 888 )88 . Y8b. 888 ,8P Y8, 88888888' . _________________>88b 888 88888888 888 Y8b____________________ :::::::::88888888888P 888 d8P Y8b 888 Y888888::::::::::::::: :::::::::( )::::::::::::::: :::::::::Y8b d88b d8P d88b . 8888888b. o88888888::::::::::::::: """"""""""88ij8888ij88' j8PY8i 888 )88 Y88<"""""""""""""""""""" "8888PY8888' ,8P Y8, 88888888' Y8b. . . Y88P Y88P 88888888 888 Y8b_____>88b . LS . . Y8' "8P d8P Y8b 888 Y888888888P >Top 10 Movie Line Misquotes _.-'~~~~~~`-._ / || \ / || \ | || | | _______||_______ | |/ ----- \/ ----- \| / ( ) ( ) \ / \ ----- () ----- / \ / \ /||\ / \ / \ /||||\ / \ / \ /||||||\ / \ /_ \o========o/ _\ `--...__|`-._ _.-'|__...--' | `' | -U Darth Vader line is the daddy of film misquotes, finds poll 'Luke, I am your father' from The Empire Strikes Back tops a poll of memorable movie misquotes, which also includes the perennial 'Play it again, Sam' from Casablanca and Star Trek's 'Beam me up, Scotty' They are the five words which turned the world of young Jedi-in-training Luke Skywalker upside down in 1980's The Empire Strikes Back. But they were never actually uttered by Darth Vader. The phrase, "Luke, I am your father", has topped a list of memorable movie misquotes compiled by the website lovefilm.com following a poll of 1,500 filmgoers. In fact, the words uttered by Vader are the rather less impactful: "No, I am your father." Fans of vintage Disney may also be somewhat surprised to learn that the evil queen in 1937's Snow White never actually says, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall - who is the fairest of them all?" The immortal line actually begins with the words, "Magic mirror ..." Also in the top five is the menacing challenge issued by Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry in 1971. Commonly misremembered as, "Do you feel lucky, punk?", the correct phrase is the rather less pithy: "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?" Then there's possibly the best-known movie misquote – "Play it again, Sam" from 1942's Casablanca. Ingrid Bergman actually cajoles pianist Dooley Wilson with, "Play it, Sam. Play As Time Goes By", while the closest Humphrey Bogart ever gets to these words is: "You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can. Play it!" Read them all here: Top 10 Movie Line Misquotes http://tinyurl.com/o95kv4h -<>- >The History Of Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14- member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress. Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30- page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately. ======================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Magical Tiny Snails http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snails.html Awesome School http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gschool.html Awesome Bridge http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/awesomebridge.html John Scape's Basement http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/basement.html Expensive Hotel Rooms http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ehotels.html Volkner Mobil RV!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rv.html World's Fastest Cars!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fastcars.html Ten Life Tips http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lifetips.html -<>- >From Our Friend gh0striders :) He sent us one we have here... BLT: Bear Lion Tiger They make an unlikely trio but Baloo the bear, Leo the lion and Shere Khan the tiger have forged an unusually strong bond. Considering that they would be mortal enemies if they ever were to meet in the wild, it is stunning to see their unique and genuine friendship in these intimate pictures. Rescued eight years ago during a police drugs raid in Atlanta, Georgia, the three friends were only cubs at the time at barely two months old. Click on the link for this full heartwarming story! Friends: Lion, Tiger And Bear! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/liontigerbear.html --- ...I love this one! Thanks gh0striders! -<>- >From Our Friend PatDeE :) I Am the Very Model of a Biblical Philologist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3x2SvqhfevE I Am the Very Model of a Modern Psychopharmacologist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElFL4CrDMIY I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2OcbeGqbpU --- ...HaHa! Funny! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) EyeWitness to History http://www.eyewitnesstohistory.com/ BEST STORM TIME-LAPSE: Lightning, Tornado & Supercell Montage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZcBlAjf2NE Vienna State Opera Comedy Ballet - FaithTap http://faithtap.com/1762/vienna-state-opera-comedy-ballet/?v=1 --- ...TeeHee! Good ones! Thanks Melody! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) ISIS has become a name as hated as Nazi. The terror and devastation they have caused, with no regard to the value of a human life - has shocked the entire world. This documentary will take you closer into the story of the fight against ISIS, and why they must be stopped. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4AobiyP41qs --- ...Thanks LouiseA! Yep, it gets personal when they are taking out the body of Christ - our brothers and sisters in Christ - Christians around the world! Millions of people tune in every week to watch "The Walking Dead." What would those same people do if they were confronted with a zombie apocalypse in real life? These pranksters decided to find out. Watch what happens when they released a hyper realistic zombie apocalypse on this city. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdYZmAzjF8&feature=player_embedded This video is called "Nightfall", and it is a gorgeous attempt to capture the beauty of Los Angeles as it transitions from day to night. This 'time lapse' video, speeds up time and lets us enjoy the beauty of the cycle of day and night. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=M7XUSNKAAOM --- ...Awesome! Thanks LouiseA! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is the man who blocked the Internet in his own country. He has a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — Current mood: Evil." -Craig Ferguson "Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America." -Conan O'Brien "This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about $700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400." -Jay Leno "My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a math- ematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color." --Shashi Bhatia "You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley "During the Cinco de Mayo celebrations, President Obama honored the Mexican people by speaking Spanish, while Vice President Joe Biden honored the Mexican people by not speaking at all." - Jay Leno "I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians." - Charles De Gaulle "Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for 'whatever comes with the toy.'" - Jimmy Fallon "Television is for appearing on - not for looking at." - Noel Coward >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************