Divide And Rule... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ __ __ | |_| |______ _,___ _,___ _ _ \--/ | _ |__ | __ | __ | |_| | /`-' '-`\ |__| |__|__-_,_| ,___| ,___|___, | / \ |_| |_| |_| /.'|/\ /\|'.\ __ __ _ _ \/ | |_| |______| | |______ __ _ __ ______ ______ _,____ | _ |__ | | | __ | | | | --__| --__| __ \ |__| |__|__-_,_|_|_|______|_______|______|______|_| |_| ,-"-._ _.-"-, )'. `-. _,,,_ .-` .'( | `'. `-"` `"-` .'` | \ .-' '-. / _ .' .--. .--. '. '-(-' _ / (.=.| |.=.) \ _ . '._(_) : \_o/ .-. \_o/ : ( )_.' \ : ( ) :.-' ,-''-.; .___ .-`Y`-. ___. ;_.'-, \ '-.\ \ .--( .'. )--. / _./_| '._.-'`'-., _;-'\_/'-;_ ,.-'`'._`/ jgs_.',_.-' / `'''` `.___.' `'''` \ '-.__`-, '. -'/_.-| ; ; | \ _/ ';'` \ / \ /'---', / . '._,__,_,' ',_,__,_,' \ / . .'\ .'\ : \ ; \\\ \\\ ; | : /'._.' \\ /'._.' \\ ' | | ( ______/ ) ( ______/ ) | | : `~~~~~~~` .-. `~~~~~~~` : | | : / `\\ : | | _, ( __/ ) _, : | | : \ : `~~~` : .' | | `-._ _,' | | . \`--._ __.--'// : | | \ `'\\ /` .'/ | ; : `. `~~~~` _.'.' ' ; \ . `-._ _____.'.-' / \ . . `'~~~~~'` . ' / `._ _._ '_._ _._' _.___.' `""` `"""` `""""` `"""` >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This scorcher is a compilation from our friends Linda, LouiseA, Geniann, and PatDeE. It will tweak your awww meter for the day. '. `~~`~`~~^`~~`~^~^`~~`~~`~^~`. .` / `> ' . ' ". _ '-"` . ` ' . | . ' / .' ,'~^~^~^`^~~^`^~`~~~^~~~^; ' ' | DON'T TEXT AND FLY! .-' \ ` : ` . "|_ | | , | : | \ | " ` | \ | , : | | /~--,__ | ` , | \__,--~' ("-,_ |" ` | `, | / "-,_"-,|, _ , |__/ "-,| \\______/ \ |, | / _\___/ \ /| " \ \/\ || \ / | \ \,|| \ __.--~\ |` ` \__/ || ),_ `~--.__/ | , | :/ \ /-,_"-,_ __ \ | `, /=,'/ (' `-,_"-,/_ /~=,_ \_| | __/=/ | \ "-/-,//~=,_~=,_ / |` (__ / (' \ \_//_~=,_~=, / \\______// \ ) '=,_~=,_~= / ___/_ \ | .| `\__( ~=,_~ / | /\/ /" | _.( | ./ / | __ _.-"_.-\ /|_ \__/ ' '| _.=~\ _\.-"_.-' `) \ \: | . | _.=~_.=~\\.-\-" / `.=\ .' | .=~_.=~_\\_/ / | \=\__ | | =~_.=~_.=` ( `) \ __) '| ~_.=~ )__/'| ' " '| | . " | ' .| '-"_'"-'_"'-_'"-_''_"-"-_"-\ \/' ' . '`\/"/- '"-_-"'_ _-"'__-"'_ -_ --"-"_jgs_""-_'"--"'_-"-'\\/.\\' / /"".\,//\//'-"-_'"-"'_'"-"''"-"'_ -"-'_-"_-"-_"-"'_'-"-"_``"-`"_`'""-`''""'-_'"-"-_"'"- '"- _'"- _ Dogs And Little ones http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogslittleones.html --- ...Love this one! Thanks my friends! -<>- >>> READER COMMENTS - LONG READ CONTENT <<< .""--..__ _ [] ``-.._ .'` `'. ||__ `-._ / ,-.\ ||_ ```---..__ `-. / /:::\\ /|//} ``--._ `. | |:::|| |////} `-. \ | |:::|| //'/// `.\ | |:::|| // ||' `| jgs / |:::|/ _,-//\ || hh /` |:::|`-,__,-'` |/ \ || /` | |'' || \ ||| /` \ | || | /|| |` | | |) \ | || | \ | / ,.__ \| || / ` /` `\ | || | / \ / || | | | / || / / | `( || / . / ) || | \ | ________|| / | / `-------.| |\ / | || \/`-._ | / || // `. /` | || //`. `. | \ || ///\ `-._ )/ | || //// ) .(/ | || |||| ,'` ) / // |||| / / || `\\` /` | // |` \ || / | // /` \ // /` | || `-.___,-. .-. ___,' (/ `---'` `'----'` A scary Halloween wake up call for all my American Friends... >Our Friend Melinda Wrote: I happen to Read your statement Question below: What happened to our country? Now we are divided in every way possible - by Godly morals, by race, by class, by gender, we even see our police gunned down for racist reasons and our soldiers degraded for defending morals and protecting our allies in hostile regions where they are told to not fight as soldiers. So, I Went to Wikipedia and selected just some of the Information listed there that might be a relevant thought, answer. Divide And Rule [Divide and Rule (divide et impera in Latin) is a very old political strategy. It basically means that you divide the population into manageable chunks and that makes it impossible for them to come together and fight against the sovereign authority.] Not to be confused with divide and choose. In politics and sociology, divide and rule (or divide and conquer) is gaining and maintaining power by breaking up larger concentrations of power into pieces that individually have less power than the one implementing the strategy. The concept refers to a strategy that breaks up existing power structures and prevents smaller power groups from linking up. Divide and conquer phrase of divide 1. the policy of maintaining control over one's subordinates or subjects by encouraging dissent between them. Elements of this technique involve: creating or encouraging divisions among the subjects to prevent alliances that could challenge the sovereign aiding and promoting those who are willing to cooperate with the sovereign fostering distrust and enmity between local rulers encouraging meaningless expenditures that reduce the capability for political and military spending Historically, this strategy was used in many different ways by empires seeking to expand their territories. The concept is also mentioned as a strategy for market action in economics to get the most out of the players in a competitive market. One -Historical Example Following the October revolution, the Bolsheviks engaged at various times in alliances with the Left Socialist-Revolutionaries, some anarchists, and various non-Russian ethnic nationalist groups, against the White movement, Right Socialist-Revolutionaries, and other anarchist and ethnic nationalist groups. This was done to establish the Communist Party of the Soviet Union (the Bolshevik party) as the sole legal party in the Soviet Union. Similar shifting alliances were played out amongst various dissident factions within the CPSU, such as the Workers Opposition and Left Communists, with Joseph Stalin and his supporters gaining absolute power within the party by the mid-1920s. Read More Here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divide_and_rule Thank You for such a thought provoking statement and question. Sincerely, Melinda --- ...Yes. Great answer! And most interesting! Thank You Melinda! That helps explain Obama's agenda. Which is sad as before he was elected, I didn't think America was very racist - not until he showed me how racist anti-white folks can be. I never knew there was a so called 'Christian' church that was teaching today that all whites are born evil, but apparently that was the church Obama chose to be in for 20 years until he was called out for it during his election period. Instead of uniting us into a strong country, he is dividing us so that his minority agenda can get through the majority. So far it is working quite well for him. I also found this article most thought provoking: DEFINITION OF HATE: PROGRESSIVE SOCIALISM http://www.corson.org/archives/sociological/S49_040710.htm ---- >ANOTHER Great one from Melinda :) DIVIDE AND CONQUER: Obama Administration Has Perfected It To An Art Form http://tinyurl.com/ogbvxf8 --- ...Wow! Just what we have been talking about! Such an eye opening list! Amazing! Like the old lesson of the frog... >Lessons for Living Weekly Lesson: "Parable of the Boiled Frog" "Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for change." ~ Johann von Goethe Life is full of change. It has always been so. However, computers and the Internet now speed information around the world so quickly that the experience of change is like being caught up in a whirlwind. To effectively manage change you must anticipate what is coming next, so you can prepare for it. If caught by surprise, you may be in danger of being overwhelmed. The parable of the boiled frog helps us to understand the key challenge in coping with rapid change. Suppose you want to boil a frog. How do you do it? You could place the frog into a pot of hot water, but as soon as it feels the heat, it will jump out. So, what can you do? Put a pot of cool water on the stove and then add the frog. Not sensing danger the frog will stay. Next, turn the burner on low to slowly heat the water. As the water warms, the frog relaxes. The warmth feels good. As the water gets hotter it acts like a steam bath draining away energy and deepening the frog's relaxation. The frog becomes sleepy and has less and less energy while the water is getting hotter and hotter. By the time the frog realizes its danger, the water is beginning to boil, and it is too late to take action. There is neither time nor energy left to do anything. The frog perishes in the boiling water. What is the moral of the story? Be vigilant. Don't let unexpected change creep up on you. Don't become a "boiled frog." Pay close attention to what is going on around you, so that you can notice when the "water" is getting hot. To be prepared for change you need to be proactive. Don't suppose that things will just stay the same. Being proactive about change means: * Resisting falling into a rut of routine expectation. * Being observant and actively searching for what is coming next. * Actively monitoring information from as many different sources as possible. * Listening to your intuition because your gut instinct may provide a warning. * Taking some action as soon as possible, even if it is risk, because it may be riskier to do nothing. Knowing far enough in advance that change is on the way allows you to make plans. Whether it is a career change, acknowledging difficulty in a relationship, or confronting a significant loss, you will be ready when the time comes. Knowing that change is on the horizon allows you to transform it into an opportunity rather than chance being unexpectedly beset by a crisis. In the modern whirlwind of change, don't wait until it is too late to act. Always be looking ahead. Don't allow yourself to become complacent. Don't become a boiled frog. Keep testing the water, so you can leap before you boil. http://www.lessons4living.com/wmaz_week200.htm .:\:/:. .:\:\:/:/:. :.:\:\:/:/:.: :=.' - - '.=: '=(\ 9 9 /)=' ( (_) ) /`-vvv-'\ / \ / /|,,,,,|\ \ /_// /^\ \\_\ WW( ( ) )WW __\,,\ /,,/__ jgs (______Y______) Obama promised us change - most however didn't realize it was going to be so much change as to be life changing for the worse. The bible tells us too not to be caught off guard but... 1 Pet.5: [8] Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: As Christians living in America, it is not only our free choice but it is our duty to do our best to elect the best people to govern over us with Godly wisdom and morals. If we do not, then we get into this boiling pot we find ourselves in 7 years later. We have only ourselves to blame for letting our adversary get the best of us. Give the devil an inch and he will take a foot. That does not mean we have to elect only those who are devout pious Christians. It does mean that we need to do our homework next election and make sure we lead by example and participate fully in the process by not only voting for the best people but helping others learn about the candidates as well. The devil uses distraction and likes to keep people's mind and eyes off of what he is really doing so he may pull the wool over their eyes much the same as a good magician does - only the devil has had many more years of practice at it! __.......__ .-:::::::::::::-. .:::''':::::::''':::. .:::' `:::' `:::. .'\ ::' ^^^ `:' ^^^ ':: /`. : \ :: _.__ __._ :: / ; : \`: .' ___\ /___ `. :'/ ; : /\ (_|_)\ /(_|_) /\ ; : / .\ __.' ) ( `.__ /. \ ; : \ ( { } ) / ; : `-( . ^"^ . )-' ; `. \ .'<`-._.-'>'. / .' `. \ \;`.';/ / .' jgs `._ `-._ _.-' _.' .'`-.__ .'`-._.-'`. __.-'`. .' `. .' `. .' `-. .-' `. We have to be vigilant! -<>- >Our Friend Bunni Wrote: A WONDERFUL PAIN RELIEVER I WANT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT: All I was doing was sitting there with terrible pain. It hurt so bad I was actually crying. That has to hurt pretty bad to make me do that. But these two creams did the job. It's been around two hours or more now and it's still pretty good. In case anyone would be interested in checking her site out I'll give you the address here. http://www.caeranddeesplace.com/ The above is the main site address. http://www.caeranddeesplace.com/pain-creams.php This is the page where all the creams are for the pain. I have used two others before and they helped. Acute Pain Relief and MS Cream Those are what I used before but my brother in law ordered for me and he ordered one MS Cream and these other two instead of the Acute Pain Relief. I was worried this wouldn't work but as I shared above it did. Thank God. Not trying to sell anything. Just wanted to tell you about a super product that has worked for both Joyce and me and getting rid of severe pain is an incredible feeling. If you aren't interested that is fine. I just wanted to share what I have found that has really helped me. -Bunni -<>- >UPDATE Just got a call from the doctor's office with the results of the test I had done Friday. Sad to say they found more cancer. The mass they found in my lower stomach is a recurring cancer like I had before. Just turned up in a different place. I have to go tomorrow to the cancer place I went before to start either/or/and chemo or radiation treatments. I have no idea how many treatments it's going to be this time or how long it's going to take. Right now I'm sorta numb again. I've been praying and hoping that this wasn't cancer again but it is. They told us that it could pop up anyplace in my body... shoulder or anywhere. Not too thrilled about this but have the appointment for ten tomorrow and then on to Dr. Phibbs Wednesday. He's the doctor that gave me the operation to get rid of it the first time. Then to my family doctor Thursday so this is going to be another week again. Just wanted to let you know what was going on and once again ask for your prayers that this time they can kill it off totally. Thanks so much. Bunni --- ...Thank You Bunni! Always looking for good products! So glad this helped you! You and your sister have been on my daily prayer list! I am so sorry to hear that the cancer is back. I pray for your complete healing in the name of Jesus Christ! ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ October 26 is National Mincemeat Day October 27 is National Tell a Story Day and Navy Day October 28 is Plush Animal Lover's Day October 29 is Hermit Day and National Frankenstein Day October 30 is Frankenstein Friday, National Candy Corn Day and Mischief Night October 31 is Carve a Pumpkin and Increase Your Psychic Powers Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: .--. .--. | = o\ | = o\ \= =_/ \= =_/ )= \____ )= \____ ; = _|__-\ ; = _|__-\ |= ----.\ |= ----.\ ('.==| ('.==| / \=\=\ / \=\=\ _.' /=/\=\_ _.' /=/\=\_ _jgs_..-' /__) \__)__..-' /__) \__) >Preferred Customer For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, "There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 12/30/1899." "That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June, not December." -<>- >Unemployment Office All across the country, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance benefits. It's gotten so bad, the offices are overwhelmed and they can't even function. I have an idea: Why don't you hire more people? -<>- >Good and Bad Realtor to prospective home buyers: "This house has both good points and its bad points. Since I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing." -<>- >Hospital Regulations Hospital regulations required a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." -<>- >Name Spelling It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy. ========================================================= >-->Halloween jokes by Boys’ Life readers ___ ___ .'` `""--.._..--""` `'. / .-""-"-""-. \ | / \ | \, | .--.-.--. | ,/ (_'- |` > `| -'_) / | < | \ | (__..---..__) | | (`|\o_/ \_o/|`) | | \( > )/ | | [>=| --- |=<] | | ,\__\ /__/, | |.____.|\==='-'===/|.____.| \_____;_\=======/_;_____/ | _)'.===.'(_ | ; \-._\_/_.-/ ; /\_\_\_\ () /_/_/_/\ '-.._____.-'-._____..-' | /`\ | |_ | | _| _.;____ | | ____;._ jgs /` `| |` `\ '------'--' '--'------' Michael: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? Matthew: I don’t know. What? Michael: Candy corneas. Submitted by Michael and Matthew A., Elba, N.Y. A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank. Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak. Submitted by Jacob S., Lebanon, Ore. Brett: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Brent: I don’t know. Brett: Wrap music! Submitted by Brent J., Upper Arlington, Ohio Bill: Why did the policeman ticket the ghost? McKenzie: Why? Bill: It didn’t have a haunting license. Submitted by Howard H., Newark, Calif. .-. heehee /aa \_ __\- / ) .-. .-. (__/ / heehee _/oo \ _/ ..\ / \ ( \v /__ ( \ u/__ / \__ \/ ___) \ \__) \_.-._._ ) .-. / \ / \ `-` / ee\_ / \_ __/ \ __\ o/ ) \_.-.__ ) ( _._.-._/ hoho (___ \/ '-' jgs '-' / \ _/ \ teehee ( __.-._/ '-' Sarah: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair? Brian: Tell me. Sarah: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster! Submitted by Sarah O., Springfield, Mo. Max: What would you find on a haunted beach? Sam: I’m stumped. Max: A sand-witch! Submitted by Maxwell C. Chris: What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween? Jill: No clue. Hit me with it. Chris: Being her broom! Submitted by Christian H., Fredericksburg, Va. Daffynition: Pocahontas — A card game that comes back to scare you. Submitted by Omkar S., San Jose, Calif. Jake: Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad? Philip: I don’t know. Jake: Because they were trans-parents! Submitted by Jacob C., O’Fallon, Ill. , \`-, , =- .-._/ \_____)\ (" / =- '-; ,_____.-' =- jgs /__.' Brandon: Which ghost is the best dancer? Nolan: I don’t know. Brandon: The Boogie Man! Submitted by Chris S., Centennial, Colo. Everett: What’s a ghoul’s favorite game? Francisco: What? Everett: Hide-and-ghost-seek. Submitted by Everett C., Tequesta, Fla. Jerry: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? Woody: Why? Jerry: It raises their spirits. Submitted by Matthew R., Dix Hills, N.Y. Joshua: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? Belia: What? Joshua: Bamboo. Submitted by Joshua T., Cheltenham, Pa. , .--') / / | / /`.\ (_.'\ \ / '--. .---' jgs ( " ) '-' Tim: What is a ghost’s favorite dessert? Tom: What? Tim: Booberry pie. Submitted by Joshua N., Napoleon, Ohio Tom: What’s a ghost’s favorite room? Jerry: I dunno. Tom: The living room! Submitted by Steven G., Virginia Beach, Va. Tom Swiftie: “That ghost movie was horrible!” Tom booed. Submitted by Zakir G., Los Angeles, Calif. Aidan: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event? Taylor: What? Aidan: Boo and Gold. Aidan: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event? Taylor: I give up. Aidan: Brew and Gold. Aidan: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event? Taylor: What? Aidan: Pack meetings, of course! Submitted by Aidan T., Mount Airy, Md. A book never written: “Ghost Hunting” by E. Gadd. Submitted by Jet S., Ooltewah, Tenn. Jess: Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween? Thomas: Why? Jess: It dampens their spirits! Submitted by Jess W., Spartanburg, S.C. , , /(.-""-.)\ |\ \/ \/ /| | \ / =. .= \ / | \( \ o\/o / )/ \_, '-/ \-' ,_/ / \__/ \ \ \__/\__/ / ___\ \|--|/ /___ /` \ / `\ jgs / '----' \ Race: What is a goblin’s favorite cheese? Nathan: What is it? Race: Monster-ella! Submitted by Daniel B., Tyler, Tex. Joker: Why did the monster’s mother knit him three socks for Halloween? Harvey: I have no clue. Joker: She heard he grew another foot! Submitted by Matthew C., Gladstone, Mo. From: http://boyslife.org/home/23079/25-funny-halloween-jokes/ =========================================================== >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) >Smiles ____, /.---| ` | ___ (=\. /-. \ |\/\_|"| | |_\ |;-| ; | / \| |_/ \ | )/\/ \ | ( '| \ | | \_ / \ | / \_.--\ \ | (|\` | | \ | | '. | / \ jgs \ \.__.__.-._) No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your Uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick." A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked. "Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead." -------- A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me," the father replied. The boy thought for a while then quietly said, "Then why do you keep crossing things out?" -------- An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what the matter is. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde." The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?" The old man says, "I can't remember where I live." -------- Discovering too late that a watermelon -- spiked with vodka -- had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick man," he whispered to the waiter, "did they complain?" "Not about a thing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets." -------- At the end of a very long shift, a waiter friend of mine was attending to six people who were taking their time deciding what to order. One woman changed her mind three times and then asked my friend if the restaurant poached their salmon. He took a deep breath and counted to ten. "No, ma'am," he answered. "I'm pretty sure they buy it." -------- A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars." "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?" -------- "Have you seen this morning's paper?" "Yes, I used it to wrap the garbage." "But I haven't seen it yet!" "You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange peels." -------- After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." -------- A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. Being good Christians they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off-key." Finally the boy said with a grin, "Dad, I thought it was pretty good for a dime." --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- /\ __)_)__ .-'._'-'_.'-. .'.' /o\'/o\ '.'. / :/._: A :_.\: \ | : \'=.:.='/ : | \ : :'.___.': : / '-:__:__:__:__:-' ^^^jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ >Pumpkins A lady recently being baptized was asked by a co-worker what it was like to be a Christian. She replied, "It's like being a pumpkin: God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off that you may have gotten from the other pumpkins. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then, He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see." --- ...HaHa! A great analogy - Thanks LouiseA! _ /\ )\ _ __)_)__ .'`--`'. )\_ .-'._'-'_.'-. / ^ ^ \ .'`---`'. .'.' /o\'/o\ '.'. \ \/\/\/ / / <> <> \ : ._: 0 :_. : \ '------' _J_ | A |: \\/\_/\// : | _/)_ .'`---`'. \ <\_/> / : :\/\_/\/: : / .'`----`'./.'b d \ _?_._`"`_.'`'-:__:__:__:__:-' /.'<\ /> \: 0 | .'`---`'.`` _/( /\ |:,___A___,|' V===V / /.'a . a \.'`---`'. __(_(__ \' \_____/ /'._____.' |: ___ /.'/\ /\ \ .-'._'-'_.'-:.______.' _?_ \' \_/ |: ^ | .'.' (o\'/o) '.'. .'`"""`'. '._____.'\' 'vvv' / / :_/_: A :_\_: \ / ^.^ \ '.__.__.' | : \'=...='/ : | \ `===` / jgs \ : :'.___.': : / `-------` '-:__:__:__:__:-' But as we Christians all know - the scooping out of all our past seeds of sin and putting His light inside of us is a better analogy of what a Christian is. Those worldly doubts, hate, greed etc are still there as mud and dirt on our outer shell. It takes our own mind renewing to clean ourselves up so we can shine as bright 'pumpkins' with God's light inside of us for all the world to see! Rom.12: [2] And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. God doesn't do it for us - we have to do it! He allows us our own free will to do as we please even after being born again of His holy seed. Col.3: [8] But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. [9] Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; [10] And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: God does want us to renew our minds though... Phil.2 [5] Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: He just doesn't make us do it by doing it for us. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) |\-/| =( )= / \ | | / \ _\ _/._ .' `))` '. / (( , \ ; , \) , ; ; /c\ , /c\ | | /_\ | | |\ , , , , /| | \ \_`.`.`.`.`_/ / jgs '.____.___.____.' A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the traditions of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel." --- ...LOL! A good one! Thanks Geniann! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From MRCTV: WATCH-Clinton: I Never Got the 600 Memos Requesting Security in Libya - But she sure got plenty of emails on the subject from a personal friend. http://tinyurl.com/od8hzxp Trump Reaction to Clinton on Benghazi hearing: Hewitt then proceeded to play some soundbites from the hearing for the presidential candidate, including a back-and-forth Clinton had with Kansas Congressman Mike Pompeo about the number of calls for increased security in Libya by State Department personnel. Pompeo’s research uncovered over 600 requests in the little over 8 months of 2012 leading up the Sept. 11 attacks. http://tinyurl.com/q2x8t8w Instead of Writing a Ticket, Police Officers Buy Car Seats for Family http://email.mrc.org/c/13LgeChFHsyNg1kZAUxtEDsgm MRCTV - Top Stories http://email.mrc.org/c/13LfAIQdo95NAdT4XcBYoRjmo -<>- >From Conservative Headlines Muslim Starts Stabbing Elderly Women, Then She Utters Four Words And He Stops Immediately http://tinyurl.com/qbwd2ab WJ Top Headlines http://www.westernjournalism.com/ -<>- >From BizarreNews: You hear a lot about how unmotivated young people are these days. Wasting their time with video games and social media until they find themselves at 30-years-old still living in their mothers' basements with no skills and no careers. But one teenage boy in Washington showed what he could do with a little ambition and his mother's basement. 15-year-old Dionte Hunter ran a successful business out of his mother's house with his older brother Thaishaun. So successful, in fact, that the boys were able to cut their mother in for a 25 percent of the profits. The only problem is that the business they were running was a prostitution ring. An under-age prostitution ring. The young brothers were doing pretty well, until the 17-year- old was arrested in connection with a shooting. If it weren't for that pesky shooting. After the older Thaishaun Hunter was arrested, officers tapped the phones of the Spokane County Juvenile Detention Center and heard conversations between the 15-year-old boy and his jailed 17-year-old brother about their little enterprise. Dionte Hunter was arrested on charges including promoting prostitution of minors, promoting commercial s*x abuse of a minor, possessing s*xually explicit photos of minors and first-degree robbery. But to add a touch of sentiment to the sordid tale, the mother of the boys allegedly did save her share of the profits to post bail for her 17-year-old. -<>- California has turned into a parody of one of its own Hollywood movies as a crazed man wandered down a street in Oakland swinging at passing cars with a machete. The entire bizarre episode was caught on video by an eyewitness who said it was 3 in the morning as the man stood on a street corner, yelling at cars. In a short while he wanders onto the street where a car deliberately tries to hit him. Since most drivers would try to avoid someone in the middle of the street carrying a weapon, we could conjecture that the driver knew who the maniac was. He did manage to strike the car a glancing blow with his machete as it passed within inches of him. Later in the video what appears to be the same car takes another swipe at the man from the opposite direction, then backs up and tries to run him over a third time. But while 'machete' was mostly successful in dodging the first car, a second car comes flying down the street and hits him squarely with the hood of the vehicle, sending the man sailing about 15-20 feet down the street. Miraculously, he immediately gets up and runs away, leading us to speculate that he might be a Hispanic 'Highlander'. Police eventually showed up and arrested the man without any more incident. While no details were released as to what the hell was going on, and the vehicles involved were never identified, our guess is that is that strict gun control laws have reduced gangland hits to this. Whatever the story, I think it is safe to say that you should stay off the streets of Oakland after midnight. *-- Tombstone reenactor injured by accidental live shot --* TOMBSTONE, Ariz. - A Wild West gunfight reenactment in Tombstone, Ariz., got a little too realistic when a performer fired off a live round that struck another actor. The Cochise County Sheriff's Office said the Tombstone Vigilantes gunfight reenactment group was putting on a street performance Sunday when group member Tom Carter fired off a live round that struck Ken Curtis in the upper groin area. Investigators said Carter had arrived late for the event and his gun was not inspected to make sure it was loaded with blanks. The sheriff's office said they examined Carter's gun and determined he had fired off five live rounds during the performance. A woman standing in front of the Bird Cage Theater during the reenactment was injured by shrapnel from one of Carter's shots, but she declined medical treatment. Curtis was taken to Banner-University Medical Center for surgery to remove the bullet. The Tombstone Vigilantes were ordered by the town's mayor to cease performances until it could be verified that only blank ammunition would be used during the reenactments. *-- Arkansas girl, 4, requests CVS themed birthday party --* FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. - An Arkansas girl's fourth birthday party featured a CVS theme complete with prescription bottles filled with mints, her mother said. Sarah Fortune Gill of Fayetteville said her daughter, Iris, sees the local CVS store as a wonderland of "snacks, drinks, toys, chap-stick, and band-aids," so much so that she puts the drug store on par with Disney World in terms of dream locations. Gill said Iris requested a CVS theme for her birthday party last week. "When CVS headquarters heard about Iris' party, they sent us tons of snacks, favors, and party supplies to celebrate. How cool is that? And when we told the local store manager about what kind of party we were having, he was so sweet to donate some CVS-brand water bottles to add to the goodie bags. Not to mention that her year was MADE when they flashed a big 'Happy Birthday' message to Iris up on the big sign out front." The donated "goodies" from CVS included prescription bottles filled with mint candies, which Gill admitted in an Instagram post were "probably not the best idea for a party favor for kids." "And thank you to CVS who helped make Iris' fourth birthday so special. By the way, this is in no way sponsored by CVS," Gill wrote on her blog. *-- Police: Burglary suspect found covered in cake, frosting --* ALPENA, Mich. - Police in Michigan said it wasn't hard to recognize a drunken burglary suspect a few blocks away from the crime as she was covered in cake and frosting. Alpena Police said officers responded Sunday to a home where a resident reported finding an unknown woman making a commotion in their kitchen. The homeowner said the woman had knocked over or broken several items, including a tray of cupcakes. Alpena officers and Michigan State Police searched the area and discovered the suspect a few blocks away from the home covered in cake and frosting. The police report said the woman was "highly intoxicated and had cupcake frosting and cake all over her torso and legs." The suspect, whose name was not released, was arrested and charged with unlawful entry and malicious destruction of property. She was taken to the Alpena County Jail. *-- Police: Woman fed up with 'noisy' kids sent 'tasty children' threats --* CHAMPLIN, Minn. - Police in Minnesota arrested a woman accused of sending anonymous threats to a neighbor family saying she wanted to "taste" their "delicious children." Champlin police said Carrie Pernula, 38, was arrested Friday after an investigation into anonymous threats received by a family living in her neighborhood. The first note, received by the family Sept. 27, was addressed to "sir or madam" and said simply, "The children look delicious. May I have a taste?" The children's mother posted a picture of the letter in a Champlin community Facebook group. The parents said they soon started receiving magazine subscriptions addressed to "Your Tasty Children." Police said they tracked the magazine subscriptions back to Pernula, who admitted to sending the mail. "She was angry because the kids were leaving things in her yard and I think being a little noisy, being kids, the way kids are," Champlin Deputy Police Chief Ty Schmidt told WCCO-TV. Police said the Champlin city attorney is reviewing the case for potential charges of gross misdemeanor terroristic threats and stalking. ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: __ __ /_ _^^_ _\ _____|________|______ `=====.'""""""'.=====` / /a /a \ .-. | /\ | <" ) \ / / \ .`\, _'. \/\/\/ .'_ \ \_\ ./,' '-.\\'-------' \`------'/ '--""---'//.-' ###'.-'/________ \/""""\/ ________\'-.'### '/` \ : / `\` | | \ : | | \ \_____:_____ / [I=I=[_]I=I] / | \ / |_ \ / /\ \ / /##\ \ | ,/ ## \, | \ \ ## / / \ \ ## / / \ \##/ / jgs \ /\/\ / __,\_/X##X\_/.__ '.'/|\\XX//|\'.` '/'|.\##/,|`\' ## ## ## \ ## / / \ , \ \\##// , / /, /. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..." -<>- A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack." -<>- A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses. Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before. -<>- While watching my grandson's baseball game, I saw a young mother with her toddler on one of those child leashes. She was talking with another mom about an incident that happened earlier that morning. Her little Chihuahua was sick, and she had raised people's eyes as she walked into the vet's office with her dog in her arms and her child on a leash. All I could think was, "What's wrong with this picture!" -<>- A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife murmurs, "I love you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" asks the husband. "It's me," says the wife, "talking to the wine." -<>- One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and stupid; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?" ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: ==" "== .-. _)/ (0,0) .\ (u) () .-. _\) .-="=-.// (o,o) \,//==\=== (e) () ===== .-. .-="=-. \(_ .-. _____ =,= (a.a) //==I==\\,/ (d.b) ()--___(0V0) (/_ (=) () ="= () (u) ||()----' \, ___.="==-._ \`(0V0) .-="-. |' \\ ()---` ==\==\\ /|) ||\\ //==/=\\ ==" \' ="= () || \\ ==. () ==== ()_/_ ==" ____(0V0) \` jgs () () \, `\"= ` ()---` // (|\ // // \\ ___(0);` \)/ .-. || // '/ '/ ()---' \\ /,(o,o) |' () "== "== \\ () (w) ==" \\ () /_ ___ \\,=", \` .-. // '-()-() =/=\\ ==" (o.o) '/ //\\|| ==== () .-. \(_ (n) "== /` \\| ="= `| (-.-) ,/ .-="=-. \) ==" `(0V0) '-- (-) () // =T= \\,/ joan stark .-="=.// ** Dateline: Irving, Texas ** (Humor for Sure) Dallas Cowboys football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Valley Ranch. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not likely encounter the substance again. -<>- ______ .-" "-. / \ _ | | _ ( \ |, .-. .-. ,| / ) > "=._ | )(__/ \__)( | _.=" < (_/"=._"=._ |/ /\ \| _.="_.="\_) "=._ (_ ^^ _)"_.=" "=\__|IIIIII|__/=" _.="| \IIIIII/ |"=._ _ _.="_.="\ /"=._"=._ _ ( \_.="_.=" `--------` "=._"=._/ ) > _.=" "=._ < (_/ jgs \_) ** Why It's Great to be a Dog ** Pit Bull Appreciation Month! 1) No one expects you to take a bath every day. 2) If it itches, you can scratch it. 3) There's no such thing as bad food. 4) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours. 5) If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices. 6) You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired. 7) You don't get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap. 8) You're always excited to see the same people. 9) Having big feet is considered an asset. 10) Puppy love can last. -<>- _/`.-'`. _ _/` . _.' ..:::::.(_) /` _.'_./ .oooooooooo\ \o/.-'__.'o. .---. __ .ooooooooo`._\_|_.'`oooooob/ .-. \ / ") .ooooooooooooooooooooo&&o##/ /b. \ '-' /` _ .--oooooooooooooooooooo&@@@##(_/#ob. '---' ("\ / .-.`\ooooooooooooo.-.ooo&&@#####oob. \ '-' /doo\ \##ooooooooo/ _")ooooo&@@@@ooob '---' dooo\_)##ooooooo/ /oooooooo&@@@oooob dooo####ooooooo/ /oooooooo&@@@ooooob dooooooooooooo( (oooooooo&@@oooooob `dooooooooooooo\ \oooooo###&@ooooo.---. `dooooooooooo##) )#ooo##(_ \oooo/ .-. \ .---.`doooo###oo##(_/##oooo###\ \oo/ / \") _/ .-. \`do/`__)#oo#####ooooooooo'.__.' ` ("_/ \ '-' /###ooooooooooooooooooob' ` '--'doooooooooooooooooooooob' `dojgsooooobodoooooooob' `doooooooob dooooooob' `"""""""' `""""""' ** PASS OUT IN SHOCK ** The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower." -<>- .--. .-, .-..-.__ .'(`.-` \_.-'-./` |\_(_"\__ __.>\ '; _;---,._| / __/`'--) /.--. : |/' _.--.<| / | | _..-' `\ /' /` /_/ _/_/ >_.-``-. `Y /' _;---.`|/)))) '` .-''. \|: \.' __, .-'"` .'--._ `-: \/: /' '.\ _|_ /.'`\ :; /' `- `-|-` -` | | | :.; : | .-'~^~`-. |: | .' _ _ `. |:. | | |_) | |_) | :. : | | | \ | | | .jgs. : ; | | -."-/\\\/:::. `\."-._'."-"_\\-| |///."- " -."-.\\"-."//.-".`-."_\\-.".-\\`=.........=`//-". ** Funny (Strange) Instructions ** Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods... On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (Hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (What no peas?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...) On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.) -<>- (\___/) (\___/) (\___/) (\___/) (\___/) (\___/) /0\ /0\ /o\ /o\ /0\ /0\ /O\ /O\ /o\ /o\ /0\ /0\ \__V__/ \__V__/ \__V__/ \__V__/ \__V__/ \__V__/ /|:. .:|\ /|;, ,;|\ /|:. .:|\ /|;, ,;|\ /|;, ,;|\ /|:. .:|\ \\:::::// \\;;;;;// \\:::::// \\;;;;;// \\;;;;;// \\:::::// jgs--`"" ""`---`"" ""`---`"" ""`---`"" ""`---`"" ""`---`"" ""`--- ^~^^~^~^~^~^^~~^^^~^~~^~^~^~^^~~^^^~^~~^~^~^~^^~~^^^~^^~^~^~^^~~^^ ** Ten simple rules... ** (For Dating My Daughter) Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you can't keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. -<>- ( ( ) ) ( ) ( ) ) .---. ) ( .-""-. ( ( / \ ( .-""-. ( ) / _ _ \ ) ) |() ()| / _ _ \ ) |(_\/_)| .---. ( (_ 0 _) |(_)(_)| ( .---. (_ /\ _) / \ .-""-. |xxx| (_ /\ _) / \ |v==v| |<\ />| / _ _ \ '---' |wwww| |(\ /)|( '-..-' (_ A _) |/_)(_\| '-..-' (_ o _) ) .---. |===| (_ /\ _) |===| ( / \ '---' |mmmm| jgs '---' |{\ /}| '-..-' (_ V _) |"""| '---' ** Kitchen Signs ** You have all seen those little hand-painted signs hung in so many kitchens. Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones: *A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. *No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. *A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. *A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. *Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. *Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. *A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. *Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. *Housework done properly can kill you. *Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. *My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines. *The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Extreme Pumpkin Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pumpkin.html Darvaza - Door To Hell! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/darvaza.html Farmers Gone Wild! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/farm.html Strange Tombstones! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tombstones.html Sweet Baby Overload http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sweetoverload.html Horse Costumes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/horsecostumes.html Tricks For Treats http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tricksfortreats.html Halloween Cakes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hcakes.html Halloween Lip Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lipart2.html Maxine On Halloween http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxineonhalloween.html Crop Circle Mystery! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mystery.html World's Largest Web http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/web.html High Tech Toys http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/techtoys.html Day and Night! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dayandnight.html Here's Your Frog! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/frog.htm Animal Moms http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalmoms.html Amazing Dog Houses http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doghouses2.html Amazing Street-Legal Airplane http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/transition.html World's Best Husbands http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/husbands.html Sgt.Stubby War Dog Hero http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stubbywardog.html Fall And Halloween Index Page! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/halloweenindex.html -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) A good magician is the master of sleight of hand and distraction while having a charismatic personality. However, a master magician can do all of that, plus show you something you haven't seen before. This magician may seem like the worst you've seen, but that is all an act... https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=DRmD5l37Q7k Considered one of the cornerstone sketches of comedy, this mirror sketch by the Marx Brothers, uses their similar looks to set up a hilarious and cleverly-made scene, you'll never forget. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rdQ9jh5GvQ8 The legendary duo of comedy misfits are at it again. This time, the bumbling pair get dressed up as hard working carpenters, and attempt to "fix things". What could possibly go wrong?! This classic sketch was titled Busy Bodies, which initially aired in October, 1933. Enjoy the comical mayhem of Laurel and Hardy, at their best... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5lKbtCmvzI&feature=player_embedded Ladybugs are red, the deep sea is blue, enjoy a sweet animal video as my wish to you! Footage of wild animals swimming, swaying, dancing, nuzzling, preening, cuddling, kissing and hugging each other! Public displays of affection brought to you by Mother Nature herself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZlFMtqXvqFk HALLOWEEN CHOCOLATE BANANA GHOSTS - 3 INGREDIENTS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gnNCYunbGE&feature=em-subs_digest-g --- ...Neat! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann: Army Fires 120,000 Soldiers Amid Budget Cuts Warns of ‘significant’ harm to troops and nations http://tinyurl.com/q2xhgft --- ...A Shame! Thanks Geniann! Sounds like part of what Melinda was telling us about the Divide and Rule political strategy that uses the technique: * encouraging meaningless expenditures that reduce the capability for political and military spending -<>- Shell commercial - Even if you're not a gear head, this video will stir the soul. There's just something about 3 liters and 14,000 RPM!!! https://www.youtube.com/embed/1_kwxzU4wL4 Egyptian TV Reaction to Obama - not sure if this is true: What you are about to see will probably get pulled from the airways, but not before you have a chance to watch and listen to what Egypt has to say about Obama. This may well be the most damning comments ever. Muslim world reacts to Obama's latest speech https://www.youtube.com/embed/UXodRLLkth4 --- ...My Oh My! Thanks Geniann! Well, if it isn't true or a proper translation, it sure seemed like it! Their reaction pretty much was my reaction to his comments on climate change. Absolutely left me dumbfounded too! -<>- >From Our Friend Melinda :) Hedy Lamarr 4 Minutes http://tinyurl.com/ohvaect Louis Armstrong - Danny Kaye https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm6ktYq0Yxk&feature=em-share_video_user --- ...Love it! Thanks Melinda! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) More Voting Machines Have 'Calibration Issues' (i.e. Rigged for Dem http://minutemennews.com/voting-machines-may-rigged-democrats/ Forfeiture Laws: IRS Can Seize Your Account http://tinyurl.com/oonvmpk This fun loving dad has his hands full with a set triplets and two older sons but he wears that badge proudly! This hysterical video parody is a tribute to all the daddies out there that love and care for their kids! We love you! I'm a Daddy and I Know It - Awesome Parody! http://tinyurl.com/qfcbl6e --- ...Oh Yeah! Go Daddy Go! HaHa! Love It Thanks Melody! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Tom Brady just did an interview where he called Coca-Cola 'poison for kids' and said he didn't think Frosted Flakes is actually food. That story again: Do NOT go trick-or- treating at Tom Brady's house! 'Who wants some raisins and toothbrushes?!'" -Jimmy Fallon "I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone unless they're very funny." -Jimmy Kimmel "Oprah Winfrey is buying a 10 percent stake in Weight Watchers. Oprah's financial advisor asked her if she wanted to buy a large stake and Oprah said, 'Oh, yeah!'" -Conan O'Brien "This week was Earth Science week. It's the week you have to celebrate if you aren't smart enough for bio or chemistry week." -Seth Meyers "New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the 'American Dream.' That's when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China." -Jimmy Fallon "A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is 'password.'" --Conan O'Brien "Starbucks is adding a new feature to their drive-through locations, video screens. So that way you can see the person misspell your name on the cup while it's happening." -Jimmy Kimmel "According to a new survey, fewer than 2 percent of hiring managers said they were actively recruiting graduates with liberal arts degrees. Said liberal arts graduates, 'Latte for Karen.'" -Seth Meyers "Mayor Bill de Blasio signed a bill last week that requires stores here in New York City to keep their doors closed when their air conditioning is on. So apparently Bill de Blasio is not only our Mayor, he's also our dad. 'I'm not paying to cool off the whole world! SHUT THAT DOOR!'" -Jimmy Fallon --- ...Does he expect cops to enforce that? More money for NY. __ __ | |_| |______ _,___ _,___ _ _ \--/ | _ |__ | __ | __ | |_| | /`-' '-`\ |__| |__|__-_,_| ,___| ,___|___, | / \ |_| |_| |_| /.'|/\ /\|'.\ __ __ _ _ \/ | |_| |______| | |______ __ _ __ ______ ______ _,____ | _ |__ | | | __ | | | | --__| --__| __ \ |__| |__|__-_,_|_|_|______|_______|______|______|_| |_| jgs98 >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************