Early St. Patrick's Day Smiles... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This super hot scorching new page is from our friends LouiseA and Linda. With March being women's history month and in memory of the late great former First Lady Nancy Reagan this page seemed most appropriate to do up. Be sure to check it out here... Famous Inspiring Women! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/womenquotes.html --- ...Loved this! Thanks Ladies! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: .-"""""-. \ / |.-----.| __|_______|___ '--;-'```'-;--' / / 6_6 \ \ ( ( _) ) ) ( ( .__. ) ) ( `._`-'_.' ) /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ | /___```___\ | \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ /..,_______,..\ / /\ \ | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ ( /\ LI\ `.___,-'` \ | '.__/ >How to Annoy the IRS Well it's tax time again boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money... 1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side. 2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the leftside). 3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. 4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three party checks. On top of paying with a three party checks, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. 5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on. 6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a burlap sack. 7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. 8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. 9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. 10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are only recommended when you owe money. -<>- A man and his pet moose walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says, "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my moose." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the moose falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells, "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies, "That's not a lion, that's a moose." -<>- >You Might Be from a Small Town If ... 1. You can name everyone you graduated with. 2. You know what 4-H is. 3. You ever went to a party at a pasture or barn or in the middle of a dirt road. 4. You used to drag "Main." 5. You said a swear word and your parents knew within the hour. 6. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. 7. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town. 8. The whole school went to the same party after graduation. 9. You don't give directions by street names but by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east of Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field). 10. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason. 11. The town next to you is considered "trashy"or "snooty," but is actually just like your town. 12. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1950 as the "rich people." 13. The people in the city dress funny, and then you pick up on the trend two years later. 14. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday. 15. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store. 16. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town. 17. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger. 18. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference. 19. The city council meets at the coffee shop. 20. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis. 21. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart. 22. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and five people pull over and ask if you need a ride. 23. Your teachers call you by your older siblings' names. 24. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents. 25. The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. 26. So is the closest mall. 27. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower. 28. You laugh like crazy reading this because you know these are all true, and then you forward this to everyone in your town (because you know them all)! ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ March 14 is Learn about Butterflies, National Potato Chip Day and National Pi Day- Why today? Because today is 3.14, the value of Pi. March 15 is Dumbstruck Day and Ides of March March 16 is Freedom of Information Day March 15 is Incredible Kid Day and Tea for Two Tuesday March 16 is Everything You Do is Right Day March 17 is Submarine Day and Saint Patrick's Day March 18 is Goddess of Fertility Day and National Agriculture Day March 19 is National Quilting Day and Poultry Day March 20 is International Earth Day and Extraterrestrial Abductions Day ======================================================= ________ .##@@&&&@@##. ,##@&::%&&%%::&@##. #@&:%%000000000%%:&@# #@&:%00' '00%:&@# #@&:%0' '0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# "" ' " " ' "" _oOoOoOo_ .-.-. (oOoOoOoOo) ( : ) )`"""""`( .-.`. .'.-. / \ (_ '.Y.' _) | # | ( .'|'. ) \ / '-' | '-' jgs `=========` >-->HAPPY ST.PATRICK'S DAY: Q: Why does it take four Irishmen to change a lightbulb? A: One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold. Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? A: To keep from falling in the stew! Q: What’s little and green and stuck to your bumper? A: A leprechaun who didn’t look both ways. Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? A: Sure, they’re great at shorthand! Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? A: He took a shortcut! Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? A: Short ribs! _ _ (_(_) /(_) (-----. |= | _|=____|_ (_________) 8" "8 (8 6 6 8) 8 7 8 88-=###, _ jgs "888"`##,|#| `###' Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? A: He gets wet! Q: What is black and blue and found floating dead in the Irish sea? A: Someone who’s tells a stupid Irish joke Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? A: The Halfback of Notre Dame! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: Because he could not afford plane fare. Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A: A Jolly Green Giant Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day? A: Because they’re always wearing green Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal? A: A Leper Con Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe? A: Some poor horse is going barefoot! __...._ .-"` `\ / | | | \ | \ __...--'| \.-' |_..-, __\___...---'`_..-' (_______....--'\ / `\ (o \__ | | __) _ _ \ /`\ \ | (_Y_) _ '-.\_,| | T-._/ (_A_) _../`'T T-'` | | \__ _| .' | | | | \___ | /_\`\ / | | | | \ `/-`\ --| | \ | | | | /`----' |--' \ `\ \_; |`-.......-` .-.-'. \_LI ; / / /`-._ |`-\ \ jgs _/_/ / | \ \ ( ( ;.__ / \__,\__ `"`""` `""""` `.__._`; Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone? A: A sham rock Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? A. When it’s a French fry! Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they’re always a little short. Q: What is Barney’s favorite thing on St. Patrick’s day? A: A Barney Stone! Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A: A sham rock Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He’s Dublin over with laughter! Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? A: Because real rocks are too heavy. Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day? A: St. O’Claus. Q. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A. Because it was too far for them to crawl! Q. What do you get when you cross poison Ivy with a four-leaf clover? A. A rash of good luck! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Irish! Irish who? Irish you a Happy St. Patrick’s Day! @@ .##@@::;%%&&00' @><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 o o 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ '88'=='88' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \__'8888'__________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@@::;%%&&00' / >< \ .###@@::;%%&&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | | ___LI)||(LI___ | | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ / `-----''-----` '.___________.' >St. Patrick's Day Toasts: May your wishes come true and your truth be wise. Happy St Patricks Day Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter. Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes... That's the Irish for You! May your blessings outnumber The shamrocks that grow, And may trouble avoid you Wherever you go. May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Maxine On St.Patrick's Day http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxineonpatday.html ========================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: .-.-. ( ) .-.\ : /.-. ( .`:`. ) ( /|\ ) jgs `"` | `"` >Treadmill Salesman trying to sell a treadmill in his store: "Due to the space-age materials used in making this model, this one collects less dust than other exercise equipment." -<>- >Kraft Dinner Before going to work and knowing that she would be working late, my wife instructed me to give our kids Kraft Dinner for supper. When suppertime came, I didn't feel like cooking and took the kids out to a local fast-food restaurant. While we were eating I told them to tell their mother that they had had Kraft Dinner for supper, should she ask, or else Daddy would get into trouble. Later, at bedtime, my wife called to say goodnight to the kids and she asked our five-year-old daughter what they had eaten for supper, "Kraft Dinner," she replied, adding, "from McDonalds." -<>- >Danger! Do Not Touch! Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!" Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch! -<>- >How Big? A woman walked into my father's carpet store. She'd just moved out of her parents' home and needed something for her new living-room floor. "Do you know how big the room is?" Dad asked. "Yes," she said. "It's 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide. And I wear a size 8." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) ,-'~~~~-. .-~~~~`-. .' \ / `. ,-'` \ / `-. / , `\/ .' \ ( `\ || /~ ) ~. `\ || /` .~ `~~._____ `\ || /` ____.~~` ___!!!GOOD>And The Sign Said... At a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ********** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************ On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************ At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************ On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************ On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************ At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************ On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************ In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************ On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************ At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************ Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************ In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************ At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************ In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ************ In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************ At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." ************ And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." --- ...LOL! These are a riot! Thanks LouiseA! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) >Bob Hope Humor Enjoy and recall a great comedian. __________________________________________ For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents--and thanks for the memories. I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART. This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference. ON TURNING 70 "I still chase women, but only downhill." ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing." ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. then it's time for my nap." ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referees kept stepping on them." ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, ‘Passover’." ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." ON PRESIDENTS 'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.' ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham." ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance--Waiting for the bathroom." ON HIS EARLY FAILURES "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.’" ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.” Give me a sense of humor Lord Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk. To the person receiving this, give the grace to pass it on to others. --- ...All great ones! Thanks Geniann! Bob Hope might have been old, but he sure had a space age home! Check it out here... Bob Hope's Home http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bobhopehome.html ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From Our friend Geniann :) Why we need to be concerned... Immigration studies http://www.cis.org/ --- ...Eye Opening! Thanks Geniann! -<>- It Only Took Carson 25 Words To Explain EXACTLY Why He Supports Trump For President http://rightalerts.com/ -<>- >From BizarreNews: When are we going to start teaching kids that war is not the answer? Take, for example, an incident that happened at a California high school where a group of students were playing a "war game", specifically tug-of-war, during a Spirit Week celebration. During the "game" two teenagers had several of their fingers ripped off! The boy and girl, both under age 18, had stable vital signs after undergoing hours of surgery. The teens lost four fingers each from their right hand, and the girl also lost the thumb on her left hand. The rope was wrapped around the students' hands, and it snapped, amputating their fingers. After the incident officials said they will review all planned Spirit Week activities "that could even possibly have a risk of going wrong." "I've never heard of anything like this happening," School District Superintendent Nick J. Salerno said. "It's unbelievable to me, it's shocking." But things like this have happened before. In 2007, two students at a high school in Parker, Colo., had their right hands partially severed during a tug-of-war at a pep rally, and in 2008, an 8-year-old girl nearly lost four fingers the same way when her hand got tangled in a rope in Minnesota. Meanwhile, in Miami woman was jailed on contempt charges after giving a judge "the finger" during a drug possession hearing, but at least she got to take her finger to jail with her. *-- Students take up tubas for V-day --* MEMPHIS - A group of about a dozen tuba players at the University of Memphis said they are taking Valentine's Day requests for romantic serenades. Zack Corpus, a member of the tuba troupe, said the Scheidt School of Music students will play two-song serenades while delivering chocolates and cards to the sweethearts of those who pay the deter- mined fee, The (Memphis) Commercial Appeal reported Monday. "It's so much more unique to have tuba valentines because there's a kind of novelty to it. Plus, it's a lot more embarrassing," Corpus said. Corpus said the songs in the group's repertoire include "My Girl" by The Temptations, "A Whole New World" from Disney's "Aladdin," "I Can't Help Myself" by The Temptations, "Everything I Do" by Brian Adams and "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift. Corpus said the fees start at $25 for an on-campus performance and increase for off-campus appearances. The group said they are hoping to raise at least $1,000 for the school of music. *-- Man shoots self in groin with flare gun --* LEHIGH ACRES, Fla. - Authorities in Florida said a man was hospitalized with burn wounds after accidentally shooting himself in the groin with a flare gun. The Lee County Sheriff's Office said deputies responded to a medical assistance call Sunday in Lehigh Acres and arrived to find Jorge Perez, 23, with multiple burns and lacerations on his genital region, WZVN-TV, Fort Myers, reported Tuesday. Perez told deputies he had loaded the flare gun and set it down Sunday. He later picked it up and, forgetting he had loaded it, fired it at the ground. The man said the flare bounced off the floor and struck him in the genitals. *---------- Addiction is a Heck of a Thing ----------* A man broke into a store to get a pack of cigarettes, but he did not steal it. Instead, he left the money on the counter. New Mexico police arrested the man who was accused of entering the convenience store and leaving behind $6 for the pack of cigarettes. 24-year-old Ellis C. Battista was charged with a felony breaking and entering. Battista went to the 24-hour convenience store about 3:30 a.m. To his disappointed, the store employee was not there and the door was locked. Battista broke the door and took his favorite pack of cigarettes. He then took out $6 to pay for the item. Battista raised the money to the surveillance camera to prove that he paid, and left the store. Police said that the surveillance camera also showed Battista knocking on the front door several times in an apparent attempt to get some- one to open it. When nobody responded, he kicked the door in and broke it. A witness called 911. *---- Australian Family Baffled as it Rained Fish ----* WINTON, Australia - A family in Australia were excited to see the end of a drought in the area, but got more than they bargained for when fish began falling from the sky. Tahnee Oakhill shared video of the phenomenon as her daughter excitedly placed the tiny fish into a nearby puddle. The Oakhill's Winton property had received about three inches of rain prior to the appearance of the fish. "It's pretty crazy, getting that much rain was pretty shocking and then that happening after that...it's been a weird week," Oakhill said. As for the fish, Ecologist Dr. Peter Unmack said the spangled perch which are "pretty much everywhere" in central Australia likely did not fall from the sky. He explained that the tiny fish can quickly travel long distances in small amounts of water, but added that this tendency did allow a small possibility for them to get caught in rainclouds. "The other key point is if you did get massive updrafts of water and fish that got carried up into the clouds, everything up there is frozen because it's too cold," he said. "So it is theoretically possible, but it's difficult to see many situations where fish get picked up by strong winds and can survive." Reminds me of this one... Weird Rainy Days http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rainyday.html ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: __.--'"""""'--.__ __.--' '--.__ .-' '-. .' F R I E N D S H I P '. / L O Y A L T Y \ /` L O V E `\ / _______ \ / _.-'` `'-._ \ / .' .:. .:. '. \ : / ::::::::: \ : ; / ':::::::' \ ; | / ':::::' \ | | ; .:::::.:::.:::::. ; | | | ':::::::::::::::' | | | | .:::::::::::::::. | | | ; ':::::' : ':::::' ; | ; \ : / ; : .-"^`\ .:. /`^"-. : \ .' ___\ .:' ':. /___ `. / \ / /.---. O .---.\ \ / \ | // '-. _o/0\o_ .-' \\ | / \| ;| \ (0\|V|/0) / |; |/ \.:.|| |\_) \~_~_~/ (_/| ||.:./ jgs \` | \ . \ ; .-.^.-. ; / . / | `/ '\_\ \\ \ \ \ / ' \ / / / // /_/' \\ \ \ \ \ / / / / // `'-\_\_\ \ / /_/_/-'` ` '. .' ` ` While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. "No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!" -<>- My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor." The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?" -<>- Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out. Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination, Limited'?" -<>- A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know." "So, why did you come in here?" "The light was on." -<>- Why A Ship Is Called "SHE" A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle around her; there is usually a gang of men about', she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good; it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep; she can be all decked out; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable. She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when coming into port, always heads for the buoys. -<>- A customer walked into our insurance office looking for a quote. But first I had to lead her through a litany of questions, including: "Marital status?" "Well," she began, "I guess you could say we're happy-as happy as most other couples nowadays." -<>- To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 30 years. "That's a long time," I observed. "A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me." "What's that?" "If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of jail by now." -<>- Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu- ment. "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one. "There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. "Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us." The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?" "That's right," he called back, "two pints." -<>- >Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer... 1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win. 2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long. 3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record. 4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header. 5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts. 6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal. 7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere. 8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win. 9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead. 10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight. ========================================================= >-->From TheJokester: >For Those who Reed and Right We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar Don't abbrev. Check to see if you any words out. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct. About sentence fragments. When dangling, don't use participles. Don't use no double negatives. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. Just between You and i, case is important. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary. Its important to use apostrophe's right. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. Avoid unnecessary redundancy. A writer mustn't shift your point of view. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with. Avoid cliches like the plague ========================================================= .-"^`\ /`^"-. .' ___\ /___ `. / /.---. O .---.\ \ | // '-. _o/0\o_ .-' \\ | | ;| \ (0\|W|/0) / |; | \ || |\_) \~_~_~/ (_/| || / \ | \ . \ ; .-.^.-. ; / . / | / '\_\ \\ \ \ \ / ' \ / / / // /_/' \\ \ \ \ \ / / / / // jgs `'-\_\_\ \ / /_/_/-'` ` '. .' ` ` __, ,__) __,__) ,__) ____, __, ,__) .--. (--|__| _ (--| ,_ ' , |_ (--/_| ,_ _ (--\ | _ ) __| |(_)(_|_) __|__ | |/_)| | / | | (/_ \_|(_)(_| .-' ( ( |_, / (___| | . .-.-. ( : ) ~|~|_~(_~~|~ \|/~\| ||~) ~|~ /~\ ( IRISH .-.\ ' /.-. | |_ ,_) | |\_/\_/|~\ _|_.\_X. QUOTIENT ) (_.. 'Y' .._) ( /|\ ) jgs '-' | '-' .-. (_" \ 1. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? / `\ \ ^ ) ) 2. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? ( ( .:. ) ) 3. _oOoOo Where does ( ( [_||||| green beer \ \ ||||| come from? `\| ~~~~~ 4. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? 5. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 6. What's Irish and stays out all night? _oOoOoOo_ (oOoOoOoOo) 7. How did the Irish jig get started? )`"""""`( / \ 8. Why do leprechauns have pots o' gold? | G O L D | \ / 9. What's an Irish windbreaker? `=========` 10. On St. Patrick's Day, while people are searching for tiny, little leprechauns, what are leprechauns searching for? @@ .##@@::;%%&&00' @><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 6 6 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 888'=='888' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \_'888888'_________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@Oo@o%&&00' / >< \ .##oO@Oo@O@o&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | Happy | ___LI)||(LI___ | St. Patrick's | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ Day! / `-----''-----` '.___________.' The ANSWERS: 1. He couldn't afford plane fare. 2. Real rocks would look funny. 3. Who cares? As long as it keeps coming! 4. He's Dublin over with laughter. 5. They're always a little short. 6. Pati O'Furniture! 7. Lots of beer and too few restrooms! 8. They like to "go" first class. 9. Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage! 10. Tiny, little women! -= Give yourself a point for each right answer, and put an "O" in front of your name! =- -joan (funny from an American Greetings card/ASCII art by me) ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Identity Theft!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/identitytheft.html Awww Animals 5!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals5.html Taking A Catnap!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catnap.html Why God Gave Us Pets!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gpets.html Cats And Birds Together- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catsandbirds.html Last Shot!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lastshot.html Snow Fun 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/snowfun2.html Useless Signs!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/uselesssigns.html Big Boy Toys!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bigboytoys.html Awesome Bikes!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/awesomebikes.html Jobs That Suck!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jobs.html Maxine Humor 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/maxinehumor2.html Fun With Nature!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nature.html Only In Australia!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/australia.html Ladies Unleashed!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ladies.html Signs For Woman!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wsigns.html Kids Being Kids 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kids2.html -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) If you've ever had Tabasco sauce, then you know it's a tasty condiment for tacos, nachos and plenty of other dishes. But what is Tabasco sauce, exactly? This video gives a behind-the-scenes look at how it's made. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=FsSd6mNDbNs Magician Marcel Kalisvaart with his amazing performance at the "Cirque d'Hiver Bouglione" in Paris, France. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rm7uAUE0mfE The most unusual fishing ritual you've ever seen is the ancient Qoli Wawa ceremony in which the Fijians catch hundreds of fish using a 1 kilometer wide vine net and a corral horseshoe. The fish are then feed to the people as part of the 100 Nights Ceremony to coronate their new paramount chief. This ceremony has never been filmed before and filmmaker Gary Yost was invited to film the ceremony honoring the passing of Paramount Chief Tui na Savusavu (Ratu Suliano Naulu) and the coronation of his son (Ratu Golea Naulu) as the new chief. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded& --- ...Wow! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) She sent us one we had here... Mug Shots http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mugshots.html The Cicret Bracelet https://www.youtube.com/embed/9J7GpVQCfms AIR FORCE ONE WATCH THIS -Only 3 minutes. https://www.youtube.com/embed/c1Q1qzfL9rE Synchronized drones https://www.youtube.com/embed/mOBQXuu_5Zw People are awesome! http://youtu.be/vLT3A0a3hoQ --- ...Indeed! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) She sent us a cute one we have here... We've All Been There http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catbox.html --- ...LOL! A good reminder! Thanks Linda! VERY SPECIAL BALLS Recorded during a tour in Germany http://www.youtube.com/embed/RqziQX7eEv0?feature=player_embedded This should disprove any notion that dogs do not understand "time" or the ability to express sheer JOY . http://tammybruce.com/2013/07/possibly-the-best-soldier-dog-reunion-video-ever.html --- ...Wow! Fun to watch! Thanks Linda! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) Johann Strauss - El Danubio Azul - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FcTYF0OBSg --- ...Beautiful! Thanks Melody! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money." -Benjamin Franklin "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -Napoleon Bonaparte "Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." -John Barrymore "During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, 'The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.' Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, 'No it's not.'" -Jimmy Fallon "Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. It's the only time of year you see someone running in the streets of Los Angeles when it's not the end of a car chase." -Conan O'Brien "You now can take pocket knives on commercial airlines. And you can also take pool cues on commercial flights. This is great news if you're a knife-wielding pool hustler." -David Letterman "New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius." -Jay Leno "In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second-to-last in intelligence. Residents of L.A. were outraged after the report was slowly explained to them." -Conan O'Brien "March Madness is upon us. That's the big tournament where you start out with 64 teams and in only three weeks you're down to no girlfriend." -Seth Meyers "For many colleges, this is spring break. College kids will go to places like South Beach to make mistakes they will cherish for a lifetime." -Jimmy Kimmel "The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It's only losing $350,000 a year." -Jay Leno >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? 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