Friendship SMILES ... :) Shangy! >-->I got lots of SMILES From our FRIENDS today to share with everyone! ... So We'll Get Right Down To It :) >From The FunnyBone: How Much Do You Make A Day? \\\\\\, _/'' \\\ A business owner decides to take a tour \ D around his business and see how things \_ / are going. He goes down to the shipping <\ />,_ docks and sees a young man leaning / \Y/ /` \ against the wall doing nothing. || # | | || # | | The owner walks up to the young man and says, || # | | "Son, how much do you make a day?" ||=[]=| | || |__| The guy replies, "150 dollars." //| | /||\ | | | The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him | | | $150, and tells him to get out and never ( ( | come back. | | | [_[___] A few minutes later the shipping clerk says jgs (_(____| to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?" ======================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Bob :) The Idiot Report........ Number One Idiot of 2006 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Two Idiot of 2006 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Three Idiot of 2006 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America . Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Number Four Idiot of 2006 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________ Number Five Idiot of 2006 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2006 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Seven of 2006 _.._..,_,_ ( ) ]~,"-.-~~[ .=])' (; ([ | ]:: ' [ '=]): .) ([ |:: ' | ~~----~~ Paul Martin Howard Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote) IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: . / \__ .. _ \.' '._o \_|_) )) __( __ / / ). \ _( ,/ /.____.' / '' '..-' | \ _ ( )v /-'._ ) //// |// // \\ // // \\ ||\\ --"------"-"--"-- mrf I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City ! ______________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS ___________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ____________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi! _______________________________________________________ STAY ALERT! They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!! -<>- SILK PAJAMAS A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up." ,%&& %&& % ,%&%& %&%& %& %& %&% &%&% % &% % &%% %&% &% %&%&, &%&% %&%& %& &%& % %%& %&%& %&%&% %&%%& &%&% %&% % %& &% %%& && %&% %&%& %&% %&%' '%&% %&% %&&%&%%'% % %& %& %&% &%% `\%%.' /`%&' | | /`-._ _\\/ |, |_ / `-._ ..--~`_ |; |_`\_ / ,\\.~` `-._ - ^ |;: |/^}__..-,@ .~` ~ `o ~ |;: |(____.-' '. ~ - ` ~ |;: | \ / `\ //. - ^ ~ |;: |\ /' /\_\_ ~. _ ~ - //- jgs\\/;: \'--' `---` `\\//-\\/// "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye' some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? You'll love the answer... * * * * * * * * * The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box." -<>- Are You Kathlick?? + /_\ ,%%%______|O| %%%/_________\ `%%| /\[][][]|% ___||_||______|%&,__ hjw / \ Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now baptized!" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!" They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?" "I think it means we're Pisscopailians. -<>- Crocheted Dolls &&&&&&& &&(+.+)&& ___\=/___ (|_ ~~~ _|) )___( /' `\ ~~~~~~~~~~~ `~//~~~\\~' ejm97 /_) (_\ A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls." A Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death. And I don't know how to crochet. Amen! ...Amen! :) Thanks Bob! ALSO from our friend Bob I placed on my jokebox on JibJab site: Warning Beer can make you lonely: http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/446859/jokeid/105867 beer ======================================================================= >-->An Et-Ahem From Our Friend Becky :) >How to train for a mammogram - - for women only. GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED This is hysterical! Make sure you read the whole thing. There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way there. For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram "OK," I said, "let's do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooters in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's viselike grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath," she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steam rolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And, see how THEY come out! Mail this to 13 other females. Now, don't break the chain! One female broke the chain, her plumbing became so bad, she now has an outhouse! OK gals, now that you have had your laugh, remember...Breast Cancer Awareness... Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy! Pass the message on to your mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends, --- and even your enemies. Because the WORST enemy is not The Test - it is Breast Cancer. ..You are soooo right Becky - Thanks! ========================================================================== >-->From Our Friends Del, Casey, & MrWU :) >"Senior" personal ads ___________________ | | | | | | | | | | | | |.________|________.| | | | | | /@ | | @|@` | | __\|/__ | __|_______\_____/_____|_ | \_____________________/ |\ \ ||\ \ .__. || \ \ \ = \ . ~ ~ . || |\ \ \ \` ~ ' ~ ~` || ||\ \ \ = \~ ~ ~' -( ____ || || \ \ \ \~ ! . /= / || || \ \ _____ \ = \`:~; /= =/ || || ||\ .\===/ \ \--.=-. /_,_/ || || || \ | | \ = \ ) /"/ || || || \| | \ \ \__/ / @\`@ ~\@/ %| |____________\== \__._/__. ,_______________ @~ \%\|/@*/~@~| \___________\ \ % \|/ %|*/~@~\@| // \\ \ , @~ \%\/|@*/~/@*| .//________\\ \ \ @ \/ @<|/@<*`\@| // \\ \ \ `@*,\^@|/^@/| | .`'// \\. \ \ www @ *| www| |Pru `-._`------------''''.) \. ____________________________```-------'''----'|\__+________ ___________________________________________________________ Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight- track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. ========================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Steve :) _,--''--,_ _,-'~~'-, ( '' {}{} }{ {}{} }{| {}{} }{}( ) ,__ , \ {}{} {}{) / \' ) '\ / ~/\ (\/) {}{/ / \ | | /| / \ }{ }{( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) | |} {}{\\ \\ (/ || | u|{ }{}{\\ \\ || || \ | |\ |\ |\ |\ (\o -- '' -'-' ~` "" ~` ~`' ~` '"' "' -- '' -'-' miK Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food? "Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!" -<>- Ya ever stop to think and forget to start again ??? -<>- >ZEN SARCASM 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night -<>- >Watch Your Ass Tell me about it..... ...hiiii haaaaaan... \ /\/\ / / / _/,/ / _/` (/"/////, ( '```--.___ /' _), ,- '-. /, / \ (\ \, \_()/ \) )' =_ )) | | | .// _/) ( ( \_ // / \ >_,\ (/)= / | | | \ #\| / |=| |=|\ ( ( (=> ( >( >),) | | |=| \ ( ( / / / / ) |/ \ /_( /_( , || )/.,_ ). /\\_(\,/, //- / /_(_( / ,\. b'ger .- '-'-'-,)\/.')) An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places. Later, they passed some more people that remarked, what a shame he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye. ...Good Advice! -<>- >NEW WORDS FOR 2007 : Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!! 1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. 3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard . 4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 5. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 6. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 7. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 8. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 9. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 10. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 11. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying > but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. 12. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 13. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 14. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. 15. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake). 16. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. 17. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm. -<>- >Daffy deductions That Was DDDDEEEESSSSPICABLE!!!!! ___ __ _/:::>__ /:/_/::/ _/::> _/:(/:::\_/::/ _):::::::::::::\ _/::::::::::::::::\____ / \:::::::::/ \ | ::/\ :::::::: / \:: | / ::/ \ :::::: / |:::/ /:::| \::::::::/ |:::\ /::::| \::::::/ |::::\ ,------: \::::/ :------, / ___ \0 / \ 0 / ___ \ : ,-' ) ` `---' `---' ( `-, : \_ \ ' ` \_ _/ \____\ \/ \ _______\________ \ ,-' ) \ ,- ,----------- _/ \ ,-' \\ ) _/ (___________/__________\\ / :;;;\___________________) ______,:;;;;;;;;:______ ,;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\_ /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\_ /;;;;;;__;;;; ;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;\ Targon Here are nine of the craziest write-offs we've ever heard of. Warning: Don't try these at home! Nine craziest deductions 1. Hidden asset Elizabeth Dittrick of Dittrick & Associates in Cleveland was a staff accountant with Arthur Andersen when she witnessed a particularly uncomfortable client meeting with a married couple. The deduction was legitimate; it was the underlying asset that proved to be the problem. "We were going over their tax information and the tax manager asked the gentleman, 'Now what about the mortgage interest deduction for the condo in Utah?' Unfortunately, the wife didn't know about the condo in Utah, where he had set up his mistress. It was a big 'oops' moment. There was this stony silence in the room. It was absolutely awful," she recalls. 2. Dog-ductions, part 1 What dog lover hasn't melted when man's best friend gives him that baleful look as he heads off to work? One taxpayer decided to create his own tax rule to ease the pain: "There is one individual who tried to deduct a day care expense for their dog," says Barghini. "The person was working and they didn't feel that the dog should be left alone, so they hired somebody to watch the dog, then tried to take a day care tax credit for the doggy-sitting. The dog clearly was an economic dependent, but not for tax purposes. 3. Now THAT'S a super! Sure, it's easy to find bad things to say about landlords, but what about all the good things they do? Dittrick admits that while she liked the sentiment, she wasn't buying this landlord's story for a minute: "There was a guy who had rental property and tried to deduct a limousine charge in the year he got married by claiming that he had taken his renters out for a night on the town, when I knew that it was for the wedding," she says. "I ended up refusing to sign the return." 4. At that price, it should change diapers, too CPA Ruth Ann Michnay of St. Paul, Minn., thought she might have been out of touch with maternity technology on this one: "I once had a young mother as a client who listed a breast pump at over $300," she says. "My kids are grown up but I never remember them being that expensive, so my first reaction was that it must have been some medical situation with the child. You never know. But no, it was strictly for her convenience to operate. She was claiming it as a medical expense. I talked her out of it." 5. Dog-ductions, part 2 You think it's hard to find good help? Tell it to the IRS. Even the CPA source for this one wished to remain anonymous: "A landscaper who was under audit with the IRS had deducted the expense of their dog because he would pull the wagon on landscaping jobs. They felt he was out there helping. He may have been listed as an independent contractor." 6. Me, I'm a freelance food critic There are those taxpayers who mistakenly believe that if their hobbies come anywhere close to their means of making a living, what they spend on it should be deductible as a business expense. And perhaps it is -- on Mars! New York CPA Alan J. Straus knew of a Hollywood set electrician who tried to write off the cost of buying and renting movie videos and DVDs, and a professor of Italian culture and European art who tried to deduct his theater and concert tickets. Then again, sometimes what appears to be a flagrantly crazy write-off on paper will actually turn out to be permissible. Witness this unlikely deduction from Alan Dlugash, a CPA with the New York firm of Marks Paneth & Shron LLP: "A client not only tried to, but properly did deduct several thousands of dollars of comic book purchases. He was a university doctoral student, doing his thesis in his field of expertise ... having to do with the relationship of comic books to the societal values of the era." D'oh! 7. Dog-ductions, part 3 Barghini had one enterprising client who believed he'd found a doggone great way to boost his charitable deduction and thus shave a little off his taxes. "An individual who bred dogs was looking for a tax deduction, so he thought that he would give one of his dogs to the Humane Society and take a deduction for it. They were valuable dogs but he bred it, so he could not take a tax deduction for it." The reason? Barghini explains that the tax code allows you to depreciate over time such breeding stock as cattle, race horses and yes, even show dogs, provided you are breeding them with the intent to sell the offspring. In these instances, you may depreciate the breeding male or female, but not the offspring. 8. Clothes (deductions) make the man Here's a line of thought we've all tried on at one time or another: I have to look professional at work so why shouldn't I deduct the cost of my suits, shoes and ties? And of course that is perfectly allowable -- on Uranus! Here on Earth however, a less generous tax rule applies, as one of Barghini's clients found out: "I was dealing with a male model who wanted to write off his entire wardrobe because he needed to look good all the time. There are very strict rules about writing off clothing. Basically, if you are required to wear a uniform of a nature that you're not going to wear it out in public socially, such as an auto mechanic's blue jumpsuit with a patch that says 'John' or nursing clothes, you can write them off. It's basically clothes that you're only going to wear at work; you'd be embarrassed to go to the bar in them. If it's clothes that you can wear on a daily basis, you cannot write them off. Businessmen or businesswomen trying to write off their suits will not fly." 9. Pimp my buggy This one was so outlandish that Dittrick actually faxed us the two-page itemized receipt to prove it: "We live in an Amish community here and we had an Amish guy who tried to take a deduction for his buggy with velvet interior, the whole works. It was tricked out. He was legitimately Amish, but with all the accoutrements on this buggy, when they're supposed to live the simple life, it was absolutely hilarious," she says. How pimped out was his ride? According to the receipt, this baby came equipped with dash lights, kick plates, tinted windshield, speedometer, hydraulic brakes and dimmer switches. The standard buggy costs $2,675; this pimped-out version ran $3,545. "He could deduct the buggy of course, since it was used for business, but on that one, we had to pick and choose what we were going to deduct," Dittrick says. "But the Amish teenagers do go through a period where they sew their wild oats, so to speak, and put the fuzzy dice and boom boxes in them. Every so often in the police blotters up here you'll see a complaint about a buggy with music playing." @}-->-->---- -<>- >TO EVERYONE WHO WAS BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's ! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. . As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding three up on a push bike was always great fun. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate bread pudding, white bread and real butter and drank lemonade with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was ble to reach us all day.............And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go karts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.............. BY OURSELVES, We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,no cellphones, no personal computer s, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS............ and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. . We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. Some of us were even given air guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! School sports teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. _ ,/' (_). ,/' _ :: (_)' `\. `\. VK Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! -<>- >How Smart Is Your Right Foot? This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!! 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand...Your foot will change direction!!! I told you so!! And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to believe it either!!!!! ...Thanks Steve - Yeah, this is Weird but true! ======================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Pat :) /`. /\ _/ `..'_ J._-*"; +*" ( X ) | `. " " :._ .' , , / .' \ _L L_/ / `. -..' `.' `.-' `+ ; * :__* : / `.__.' ).' :__. _ " ) ; (c .*"*, ,_ _ '"'T / o`: ) l_.--. _ : : [bug] ,-`.__.\_\ `..*__..--'; .*' ( "*-' ;**--..__.;_ ""')"" :_. *-+, ("*- ._| __..-\ +-* "*+ ;..__ ;**"" `\ \ +*'_.* ""**+ : `* `*" / \ . . ; : ; : ` ' \ / .`- \ : ; . ; : : : ; ' \ / _..-*"`- `-. ( ) `*-..__..---..___.'`*-*" Rescuing Hug INSTANTLY, WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS PAGE, YOU MUST SEND IT TO AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT! TO YOU!!! ! *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* You have just been hugged! That's right, there's no getting out of it this time! This is the start of a full-scale Hug O' War! So hug everyone you know! Hug your friends, your enemies, everyone! With all the other forwards out there, I thought this would be a good one to start. The hug is my favorite sign of affection. It can mean so much, and many things at the same time. It can be a sign of love, friendship, support, caring, comfort or anything. So here you go. All I can say it will do is brighten someone's day. I mean, we all need a hug once in a while. So send this on if you'd like, to anyone who may need a hug, ...H U G G U M S !! Thanks Pat! :) ========================================================================== >-->ET-AHEMS! From The Jokester :) >An Et-Ahem! Blonde taking a Bath A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for er milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milk man asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes. -<>- AN ET-AHEM! A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his manhood unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." -<>- AN Et-AHEM! Golfing A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!" -<>- Blonde Kidnapper A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am. Signed, The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another." ======================================================================= >-->FUN Places to Net Visit :) [AOL And Others May Have To Copy & Paste These Links] >From LynnLynn's Links: Charlie http://allisonsheart.com/charlie/charlie.html Picture http://snowy.topcities.com/APicture.html The Old Coal Stove http://www.utahcowboy.com/2005P17.htm Space Girl http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/SpaceGirl.htm Bombshells http://www.bombshells.com/ Quilting With A Passion! Quick/Easy Projects http://quiltingpassion.com/projects.html Simon Cowell: Biography and Much More from Answers.com http://www.answers.com/topic/simon-cowell WritingTips http://www.bethanyroberts.com/writing_for_children_tips.htm Animal World Doggie Zone Rattlesnake Vaccine http://www.nbcsandiego.com/health/2927001/detail.html Kitty Korner http://www.cfainc.org/articles/antifreeze.html If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================ >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." --Carol Leifer "According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!" --Jay Leno "TV's 'American Idol' is back. Like 85 billion people watched it last night. Not all the critics are happy with the first show which features all the bad singers and the judges criticizing them. When addressing critics Paula Abdul said, 'I can't help it. I'm a mean drunk.'" --Conan O'Brien "Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence. And then he had to leave to attend a fund-raiser." --Jay Leno "Sen Barack Obama is telling everyone about his past drug use. Pollsters say his candor is now boosting his numbers. So we shouldn’t be surprised to see a video on Dennis Kucinich that says, 'Presidential candidate Dennis Kicinich would like America to know that before every speech, he gets ripped on vodka.'" --Dave Letterman "How long has Rose O'Donnell been on 'The View' now? Already she's attacked Kelly Ripa, Donald Trump, and 'American Idol.' Rosie O'Donnell clearly hates America. With the possible exception of hot dogs and apple pie, she hates this country." --Jimmy Kimmel "Laughter is the closet distance between two people." -- Victor Borge ** A Special Thanks to ALL WHO SHARED With Us These Great SMILES! ** >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Uh-Huh :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Seervice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DAARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Subscribe ************************************************************************ >TO UNSUBSCRIBE: Remove ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN Listt Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 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We've got NCAA, NFL, MLB, and NBA, Disney, Name a star, Movies, and KinKade. Jewelry, furs, leather, and lighting, Music, instruments, and magazines at best pricing. >Beat The Crowds - Let Your MOUSE Do the Walking! :) http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/yellow.html Get It Here ***********************************************************************