God's Survey & More ... :) Shangy! >-->From The FunnyBone: _____ ,-:` \;',`'-, .'-;_,; ':-;_,'. God's Survey /; '/ , _`.-\ | '`. (` /` ` \`| |:. `\`-. \_ / | After having been commissioned by God | ( `, .`\ ;'| to take a survey of how man was doing \ | .' `-'/ on Earth, St. Peter now stood before `. ;/ .' his boss ready to present his findings. jgs `'-._____.-'` "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it's a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions." "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?" "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St.Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said? (\ (scroll down) \\ \\ \\ <*****> \\ .=^=. .""". .=^=. \\ //```\\(/a a\)//```\\ \\{{ ( L ) }} \\{ _ __ \ = / }} \\/@.---,/'-'\,---. }} /(&\ |`-._/\_.-'| \ }} (@ \&\| || |\ \}} {{ \ |___o()o___| > )} {{ `|__((<>))__|` .'}} {{ \ o\/o /`` }} {{ ,'\ || /\', }} {{.' \ || / | '.}} /'.||.' / / // / ( /( / jgs / / \ \ / / \ \ ___/ _/ __\ _\ (______) (______) Hmmmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh? =================================================================== >-->IF MEN RULED THE WORLD... I am King today... I'll be Emperor tomorow... and Dictator ever after! \ | / |VVV| |___| _.-----._ _____ ,\, # _' -N- '_ ))_`o| |/ ? '_____________' /___/'# | ~ )\ |/ ? |/ ? /_ /\ \____ | > )\ |"^ )\ /* /\_/\\ *\ /__/\ \____ /__/\ \,___ /* *||' ||* *\ / o\_/o\ ( [==>\_/<===] / < _||__||__> \ / < __/__|_> \ / < __:__ _> \ /___/ ,___/_____) /___/ ,___/___\ /___/ ,___/___\ |\/ b'ger |\/ |\/ Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a bronto- saurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!) ===================================================================== >-->From our friend Pat :) This is absolutely hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy and may God keep blessing you!!! >WHY YOU SHOULD TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER AT NIGHT ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 8 .d88 8 oooooooooooooooooooooooooooood8888 8 8888888888888888888888888P" 8888 oooooooooooooooo 8 8888888888888888888888P" 8888 8 8 8 8888888888888888888P" 8888 8 d8 8 8888888888888888P" 8888 8 d88 8 8888888888888P" 8888 8 d888 8 8888888888P" 8888 8 d8888 8 8888888P" 8888 8 d88888 8 8888P" 8888 8 d888888 8 8888oooooooooooooooooooooocgmm8888 8 d8888888 8 .od88888888888888888888888888888888 8 d88888888 8888888888888888888888888888888888888 8 d888888888 8 d8888888888 ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 8 d88888888888 d ...oood8b 8 d888888888888 d ...oood888888888888b 8 d8888888888888 d ...oood88888888888888888888888b 8d88888888888888 dood8888888888888888888888888888888888b Have you ever noticed when you use your computer first thing in the Morning, the icons appear to have changed positions? Have you sensed that something goes on if you leave your computer on overnight? Well, when you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I Think you ought to know what actually goes on. For the first time, someone Has captured what takes place after you leave the room. TURN UP VOLUME. Click on the link below http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm -<,,>- Hi! You're going to chuckle with this one for sure!!! hahaha A doctor buys a new Ferrari GTO the most expensive car in the world, and it costs $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.... ___ _ _.-"_< } ""--"" 7( /()) / )/ ^ ( \ / / /.' // ______/L___ sexii WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. ___ _ _.-"_< } ""--"" 7( /()) / )/ ^ ( \ / / /.' // ______/L___ sexii WHHHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to t he mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, .`=-._.-=-.-=..-'\ | | .-._ |-. ./ /'' `. | `-._.--._.-' | .-. |:. `-./ |.` .) \ `-._ `---..__..----._/ .' '-.._'-`-.-._ _..----.__.' `-.-..-.`--` .-. \ 'o/o`\ / >)) / `-..-.( \ `-' | .----._.-` .' _).-. ( ) .` _)/ `. `-._--._ -'.` .-._). \ (_.-._) / | | \ (_ /_| \ | (_ / | `._/ \ (_ _/ \ | | (_ _) | / | (_ _) \ | \ (_ _) `._ \ | (_ _) |@ /_..--' (_ _) |@ | | (_ _) \ / ..\_ (_ _) .'_ '`. `-. (_ _) (_/ ) \\\ \ \ (_ _) (_/ /| /\_) (_.-_) LGB (_/(_/ "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror." -<-->- ...Good ones! Thanks Pat! ======================================================================= >-->From Our friend Steve :) >Children's Science Exam Answers \_/ --(_)-- . / \ /_\ |Q| .-----' '-----. __ /____[SCHOOL]___\ ())) | [] .-.-. [] | (((()) ..|____|_|_|____|..................................)(... ldb If you can use a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. A Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. A: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk from turning sour? (brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g.abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E,I, O and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one..) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight -<**>- >Age Bell Curve It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful... At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants. At age 10...success is...making your own meals. At age 12...success is...having friends. At age 16...success is...having a drivers license. At age 20...success is...having sex. At age 35...success is...having money. At age 50...success is...having money. At age 60...success is...having sex. At age 70...success is...having a drivers license. At age 75...success is...having friends. At age 80...success is...making your own meals. At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants. -<,,>- >The Four Cats! Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." ) ( /( \yYYy,_I_`; JgLFO^JL_ \ `- \, ` Qr+as T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." (`,---.') (\ (w,_,w) )) -=>_Y_<=- _,;' /`"'\.-'.' .' `<' | ; ; | |`, , | \ ;`; / pb ||,|| /|| ||\ (,|( )|,) (,,Y,,) Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." /\_/\ >^.^<.---. _'-`-' )\ (6--\ |--\ (`.`-. --' --' ``-'BP cat Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said..... "Coffee Break.....do your stuff." ._ .-' `-. .-' \ ; .-'\ ; `._.' ; | | | ; : ; : ; : / / ; : , ; | .-"7| .-'" : .-' .' : .-' \ .' .' `. .' `-. ""-.-'`"" `",`-._..--"7 ; . `-.J `-, ;"`.;|,_, ; _.' | `"" `. ."""--. o \:.-. _.' ."" : ,--`; , `--/}o,' ; ; .___.' / ,--.`-. `-..7_.- /_ \ : `..__.._; .'__; `---..__.-'-.`"-, .' `--. | \_; \' `-._.-") \\ `-, `. -.`_): `. `-"""`. ;__.' ;/ ; " `-.__7" `-..._.'`7 -._;' ``"-'' `--.,__.' fsc Coffee Break jumped to his feet... ate the cookies... drank the milk... ,----. ( WOW! ) .-. `----' _ \ \ (_) \ \ O | | |\ /\ o | | __ |,\(_\_ . /\---/\ _,---._ | | ( ( |\,` `-^. /^ ^ \,' `. ; \ \ : `-' ) ( O O ) ; \ \ \ ; `.=o=__,' \ \ \ `-. ,' / _,--.__ \ \ \ ____________,' ( / _ ) ,' `-. `-. \ ; ' ; / ,' / ,' \ \ \ \ \ /___,-. / / / ,' (,_)(,_) `, ,_____| ;'_____,' (,; (,,) jrei ,-" \ : | : ( .-" \ `.__ | | \__) `.__,' |__) SSt sh*t on the paper... screwed the other three cats... _._ _,-'""`-._ (,-.`._,'( |\`-/| `-.-' \ )-`( , o o) -bf- `- \`_`"'- claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... /\ \ \ \ \ / / / / _\ \_/\/\ / * \@@ = | |Y/ | |~ \ /_\ / \\ // ||| _|||_ ( / \ )-Skorch put in for Workers Compensation........... AND /\____/\ __ .' """" `,-' `--.__ __,- : - - ; " :: `-. -.__ ,-sssss `._ `' _,'" ,'~~~::`.sssss-. |ssssss ,' ,_`--'_ __,' :: ` `.ssssss| |sssssss `-._____~ `,,'_______,---_;; ssssss| |ssssssssss `--'~{__ ____ ,'ssssss| `-ssssssssssssssssss ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ssss.-' `---.sssssssssssssssssssss.---' Susie Oviatt went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!! --- ...Wowsers! What a CAT! All good ones - Thanks Steve! ================================================================== >-->From Cleanlaffs: Poor Tom, who was burdened with a bit of a stutter, was in- volved in an impassioned argument with his friend John. Said Tom, "I t-t-tell you, n-n-nations must ab-b-bandon all of their s-s-selfish cons-s-sideration and c-c-c-come together in www---w-w-world union if ch-chaos is to be prev-v-vented!" John answered skeptically, "Sure, that's easy for YOU to say." -<>- A father is in church with three of his young children, in- cluding his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked in a whisper, "Daddy, why is he brain- washing that baby?" -<>- On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat." All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield. The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!" -<>- "So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the- way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you." -<>- Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - and get married. The ceremony was kind of boring, but the Reception was great! -<>- Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. _(_ (/\_/\) /\/ \/\ ad _\/\_/\/_ (_/\/_\/\_) )=) (**) ^ After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." -<>- A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "Why do you call your secretary a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. .-------. _|~~ ~~ |_ =(_|_______|_)= |:::::::::| |:::::::[]| |o=======.| jgs `"""""""""` She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her down." -<>- Little Johnny asked the librarian how to use the card catalog. After pouring over the little drawers full of cards he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." ____________________________________________________ |____________________________________________________| | __ __ ____ ___ || ____ ____ _ __ | || |__ |--|_| || |_| |||_|**|*|__|+|+||___| || | | ||==|^^||--| |=||=| |=*=||| |~~|~| |=|=|| | |~||==| | || |##|| | | || | |JRO|||-| | |==|+|+||-|-|~||__| | ||__|__||__|_|_||_|_|___|||_|__|_|__|_|_||_|_|_||__|_| ||_______________________||__________________________| | _____________________ || __ __ _ __ _ | ||=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=| __..\/ | |_| ||#||==| / /| || | | | | | | | | | | |/\ \ \\|++|=| || ||==| / / | ||_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_/_/\_.___\__|_|__||_||__|/_/__| |____________________ /\~()/()~//\ __________________| | __ __ _ _ \_ (_ . _/ _ ___ _____| ||~~|_|..|__| || |_ _ \ //\\ / |=|__|~|~|___| | | | ||--|+|^^|==|1||2| | |__/\ __ /\__| |==|x|x|+|+|=|=|=| ||__|_|__|__|_||_|_| / \ \ / / \_|__|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| |_________________ _/ \/\/\/ \_ _______________| | _____ _ __ |/ \../ \| __ __ ___| ||_____|_| |_|##|_|| | \/ __| ||_|==|_|++|_|-||| ||______||=|#|--| |\ \ o / /| | |~| | | ||| ||______||_|_|__|_|_\ \ o / /_|_|__|_|__|_|_||| |_________ __________\___\____/___/___________ ______| |__ _ / ________ ______ /| _ _ _| |\ \ |=|/ // /| // / / / | / ||%|%|%| | \/\ |*/ .//____//.// /__/__/ (_) / ||=|=|=| __| \/\|/ /(____|/ // / /||~|~|~|__ |___\_/ /________// ________ / / ||_|_|_| |___ / (|________/ |\_______\ / /| |______| / \|________) / / | | "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny went back to his search. A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite upset. "I just can't find it." he said. "What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked. "Tequila Mockingbird." ============================================================== >-->From The Jokester: Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. /'=----= ______ (( || "--.__." " @>||_____________// _______ /^\"""""""""""//\========) _--"""--/-. "\ // _\-:::-/_-. ." .-"""-/ "_\ "\ == // ;::\:::/::".\ ; / _/ " \\ "\-+//--..._\_/:::::\\ . ; o . || ( ()/)======(o)::::::. . \ ; .| -|.;____...."b:::::; . -._ _ - ; == :::::::::::; "-..____.' ls ":::::::' His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy Now Leroy knew that Jesus was all-knowing and would know what kind of boy he really was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door, looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who. -<**>- I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting _ .-.-.=\-. (_)=='(_) jgs into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Boy, Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, ~~O - /\, - -|~(*) - (*) ^^^___________ unknown "but every time I ride it, it falls down!" ======================================================================= >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: A correction to last ezine, from John: I am sorry but he is wrong about the vacuum on the other side of the sail. The sail works just like an aircraft wing. As the wind passes over the sail, it has to travel faster behind the sail than it does in front of the sail. When wind speed increases, it causes a pressure drop. Thus as the pressure is lower on the back of the sail, the higher pressure on the front causes the pushing movement. The dagger board/keel under the boat stops it sliding sideways and so the boat moves forward. -<>- >MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS (courtesy J. Banning) 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -<>- >Killing two birds with one stone... My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems. First, I hire the illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Second, I pay them in Pesos. This makes them go home to spend it. I love it when a plan comes together! -<>- Q. Why do we turn green with envy? A. The ancient Greeks thought that envy made the liver produce excess bile, adding a slightly greenish tint to one's complexion Q. Where did the phrase "in the nick of time" come from? A. In medieval times, sticks were used to keep track of things. Attendance was taken this way as well. As long as you made it to school before the attendance taker reached your name, you received a notch on the stick that indicated you were there. Hence, arriving "in the nick of time." -<>- >Hunting Elephants: _ ______/ \-. _ _ __ _ _ _ .-/ ( o\_// / |..| \ / >--< \ | ___ \_/\---' \/ || \/ \| \ |/ |_|| |_|| |_''_| |_||_| wtx MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. _ __,"\\ _. /\\ /\\ _.--/ `. ,' ( "_//" ,''\," ,""\,"=='( \.'\\_,( _`-'=-' ' u-u `=' u-u |l''|l `" |m' |m -bf- COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, * Catch each animal seen. * Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. * Stop when a match is detected. EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. _____ xxx oooo\/\ xxxx oooo/ \_ /xxxx oooo\ | \ / xxxx oooo | \ | xxxx oooo | | Ducati \ xxx oooo/ o / | mmmmmmmmmmmm| | / Elephant |\_/ \_/>/ __ \___/| ___ / /_/ / | | | / saffy |______|_____|\___/ ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. .-~~-. .--. / / "\ / \ | \ \ |/\ | \_/-'\ \ A | / || /_/ jgs |__||__|| /~~~~~~~~~~\ /\_/\_/\_/\_/\ /\/ \/ \/ \/ \/\ __/________________\__ CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. _____ .-~---..._--~~~~ ~~~~---..__ / . ~~-._ ~-. / . | Y | . | \ | O . .| K | . . / |\ / Y | | \_ ( ( / |. . / | ()\ .-~~-.-~-.___ ( |/-^.\ | : j \ \ / / Y ~~-. / / \\___/ : : ." | || o ! \ ( ) `\ j : | \ \j | k ( ) | /_ ___.Y : \__. | / j\ j j / ." ~~---~~~ / \ \ ~~\\__/ : ! __/ / / / \ ". / .`\ ". /". Y__Y ."\ >__.~ | | `\ \ | / `\ \ / /\ | ( /\ \ [nn ] [nn ] [nn ] [nn ] [n ] [n ] [n ] [n ] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. ( ____ .-. .-""-. .'` _ `'-,//`|-. / ,-'-.`. | \ `. ( `\ | ` \ \ `.) \ | \_@ .=` \ | | / .=\ \ | / \ | | .\ ,____ ==; | \ __.-;.__.'--'`"-, | | `"` / _ \ '=| | | _.' \_) / / | \ ( _ '=_.' | \ \ .-`` `---'` | _ \ \ | = , , / ,_( )) ) `| \__.-'` / \' / .--. /` |nnn / \ / =/ \ ( jgs / ;""""`nn| ( \_ \ ) (nnn__.' '-nnn-' _( |` `"""` SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. ;\ \_ _,-_,' ::\_ \_ _/ ;; `;;;\ \_ _/ ,;; _,-'"""""""-. `.;;; : / ;:; _,-' ;" " ;" `""`.__ :;;;: -----. /./ ,-' ; " "; "" ;`-._`.;;;' . ` ( /;;'', "-._ ;; " ""; ; \,'/\ . . `. ,-';;;; `, ,`, `-. ;" "" ; ' (O ) . (O) /;;;;;;; ` ` , , `. ;" """ ; .' \/ . `.; ,;; ;;;;;;;; `,` ` , ,`, '" ; ; ; ; : `. :;;;;;;;;;;;;;,`, ,`,` ; "; " : ;: . ...'___`... ;; ;`._ ;;;;; ;;;;; ,` ` ,`,`, ' ;" "" : `.` .`. ( V ) .'. :"",``;;;;;;;;; ,``, ` ` ,' """" ; `-.__`._`|'_.'_-' `;", `-.;;;;; ` ,` _,-'_,-'~~~~~`-. ;": `--~"~--' `-."_,--`._ _____`,-' ~`-._ `-._:::: `._ `-.__ ~~ `-.______,-._)_)_) `-._:::: `-.____`--, ~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~ `-. _______-`;~ `~~~~~~~~~ HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants -<>- From a lawyer: Q: What’s black and tan and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. ---- LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE * My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. * I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. * I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. * Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. * NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. * God must love stupid people; He made so many. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! * Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. * Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! * He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. * A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. * Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. * The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. ====================================================================== >-->PROVERBS .---. /_____\__ .===. _ _ `\/6.6\/--` / _/\ \ / )%.===.%( \ ( _ ) \/6.6\/ | // ,,, \\ | ,'---', ( _ ) \/ \/6.6\/ \/ .===. / _ \ _)---(_ /\ ( _ ) /\ / ,,, \ /\/ (_) \/\ / `~` \ ^^ /()-()\ ^^ ( /6.6\ ) \ | (_) | / /\/ \/\ / /o o\ \ )( _ )( \| |/ \ | | / (._\ Y /_.) (_/;---;\_) |_____| \|_____|/ (O_`&`_O) / `"*"` \ | | | | L | / / \ \ ( (_.@._) ) | | | |__|__| / ()/^\() \ /'._\|/_.'\ \__|__/ | | | /. . . . . . .\ /. . . . . .\ |_|_| |_|_| `"`"`|`|`|`"`"` `"`"|"|"|"`"` jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great: As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up. Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader. Strike While The... Bug Is Close. It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time. Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites. You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How? Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty. No News Is... Impossible. A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr. You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math. If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning. Love All, Trust.. Me The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs. An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax. Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution. Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents! A Penny Saved Is... Not Much. Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers. Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed. Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose. None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller. Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded. If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries. You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box. When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way. There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie. ==================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: Riddles 1) My voice is tender, my waist is slender and I'm often invited to play. Yet wherever I go I must take my bow or else I have nothing to say. What am I? 2) We travel much, yet prisoners we are, and close confined to boot. With the swiftest horse we keep pace, yet always go on foot. What are we??? 3) What can wear away stone with the drip of a stream, Cripple the oldest of anything? What will go on forever, yet never began, The ruler of the world with an iron hand? 4) If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get? 5) How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter? Answers are located below. -<>- Superman .=., ;c =\ __| _/ .'-'-._/-'-._ /.. ____ \ /' _ [<_->] ) \ ( / \--\_>/-/'._ ) \-;_/\__;__/ _/ _/ '._}|==o==\{_\/ / /-._.--\ \_ // / /| \ \ \ / | | | \; | \ \ / / | :/ \: \ \_\ / | /.'| /: | \ \ | | |--| . |--| \_\ / _/ \ | : | /___--._) \ |_(---'-| >-'-| | '-' snd /_/ \_\ At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent." -<>- >Pink Slip It came on the day I returned from a cleansing wilderness canoe trip in Canada - The pink slip - two more weeks due to a general loss of jobs - we will call you back if we can - happy with your work - don't pass up any opportunities in the meantime - get ready - keep in touch. So once again I am faced with choices. Do I moan and whine while I fret and worry, or do I really believe in what I have been saying for a while, while times were good? God is in charge. It is He who causes the sun to rise on the just as well as the unjust and it is He who knows what He has in store for me - and it is good - the Bible says that and I say I believe it. Put up or shut up time thrown into my face. And I don't mind telling you that I don't like it, and I told Him so too-take it to the Lord in prayer as the old hymn says. I do trust in Him though. And I did get something from Him - peace, and not only that, wonders upon wonders-my wife is at peace with it too. Now that is what I call a blessing, it was her reaction in retrospect that I feared the most. Another blessing revealed, what a good woman He blessed me with those 27 years ago. I am what some would call an avid 'outdoorsman', I hunt and fish - I do extended canoe trips in the Canadian bush - I love to go into the wilds with just a camera. I know how to follow tracks, I know that it takes a while when you are truly in the wilderness to shake off the shroud of 'civilization' and hear the wilds - smell them - become a part of them. I can follow the signs - spoor it is called - of an animal and when the signs disappear I am pretty good at guessing where it was going and then picking the signs up again a little later on. And I should know well enough, after following my Lord, to guess where He is taking me. It may take some time to get used to deadlines and appointments being gone. To stop 'dual tasking', reports and meetings and no lunches because something needs done ASAP, to shake off the shroud of the hustle and bustle I am wrapped in. Actually to tell the truth, I am starting to look forward to the trip. I think I may be able to follow the signs on this journey. All because I know He has plans for me and they are good plans-not bad ones. If you can't say the same maybe you need to reconsider - all journeys start with a single step. If you do not know the confidence to follow the Lord wherever He takes you, please pray about it today-He is there and He listens. He is waiting to take you places you never dreamed existed-if you follow Him. That's why we call following the Lord a 'walk' isn't it? == From Daily Wisdom To subscribe, mailto:dw-subscribe@lists.gospelcom.net -<>- ANSWERS TO RIDDLES 1) A violin. 2) Spurs 3) Time 4) Mistletoe 5) Mice Skates ============================================================== >-->FUN Places to Net Visit :) PDF: 18th Annual Cop Survey! http://www.aphf.org/surveyresults.pdf CAT Quotes: http://homepage.powerup.com.au/~mamalade/cats.htm -<>- From LynnLynn's Links: I WISH FOR YOU http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/IWISHFORYOU.HTML Jesus Laughing Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/Jesusart.html SwordSister's w/ A New Day http://domania.us/SwordSisters/Inspirations6/ANewDay.html Kaye w/Riverdance. http://www.kayesworld.co.uk/riverdance.html TheSingingMan w/Stars And Stripes Forever http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7/SASF.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs." - Kevin Gildea "A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over." - Dino Levi. "An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the o lder she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie. "My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'" --Steven Wright "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." -Spike Milligan "It takes at least 12 inches to rule the world." -attila "Forget low fat. My father used to take them hamburgers right off the grill, 95 percent fat, the other 5 percent lighter fluid." -Jack Coen "Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -Unknown "Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive." -David Henry "For safety's sake, I try not to go to the ATM at night. I also try not to go with my four-year-old, who screams, 'We got money! We got money!'" -Paul Clay ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOOUSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales && Service You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: a href="http://tinyurl.com/2vrfzv">This Weeks regular Shangy emails ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN LList Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 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