Gonorrhea Lectim Warning And More ... :) Shangy!
>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:
To Subscribe send a blank email to
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To UnSubscribe send a blank email to
ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Group home page:
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
or Web Site:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html
Group email address:
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or email me here:
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================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
================
>-->2 Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press...
This first one is RED HOT! It comes from our friend PatDeE.
I had never even heard of this before and had to look it up
to make sure my leg wasn't getting pulled. But it was real so
I just had to do it up to share this amazing one with all of
you! Check it out here...
____
/\| ~~\
/' | ,-. `\
| | X | |
_|________`-' |X
/' ~~~~~~~~~,
/' ,_____,/_
,/' ___,'~~ ;
~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|--- / X,~~~~~~~~~~~~,
| | | XX'____________'
| | /' XXX| ;
| | --x| XXX,~~~~~~~~~~~~,
| | X| '____________'
| o |---~~~~\__XX\ |XX
| | XXX`\ /XXXX
~~~~~~~~'~~~~~~~' `\xXXXXx/' \XXX
/XXXXXX\
/XXXXXXXXXX\
/XXXXXX/^\XDCAU\
~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Extreme Noodling
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/noodling.html
---
...Super interesting! Thanks PatDeE!
This next sizzler comes from two of our friends, PatDeE and Johanna.
Artists that spend the time and energy as this one, certainly
does deserve recognition! Especially with his talent! Check
out his amazing work here...
________________________________________________
/\______________________________________________/`-.
<()>____________________________________________< ##
\/______________________________________________\,-'
unknown
Pencil Head Art
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pencilart.html
---
...Wow! A Wonderful one! Thanks PatDeE and Johanna!
-<>-
>-->From Our Friends At TruthOrTradition:
, ,
/////|
///// |
///// |
|~~~| | |
|===| |/|
| B |/| |
| I | | |
| B | | |
| L | /
| E | /
|===|/
jgs '---'
Hello and God bless you!
We have a couple of announcements that we trust will be a blessing to
you!
First, the August Network News is now online at
STFonline.org/news
http://tinyurl.com/2cpqbvb
Second, we are now offering the following classes with a view toward
helping local areas build their work. These events would be sponsored by
local groups, with Spirit & Truth Fellowship staff members traveling to
those areas to provide the workshops. The classes can be tailored to
meet the individual needs of your particular area and are generally
designed to be conducted in three or four sessions over a weekend type
setting.
Below is a partial list of the workshops we will be making available
(the full list is online at
STFonline.org/workshops ).
http://tinyurl.com/2gy2y9n
Please contact us for further details about scheduling a workshop in
your area.
The Bible: You Can Believe It
This seminar focuses on why the Bible is believable and why we can trust
it. Subjects that are covered include: should we question the Bible; is
the Bible based on oral tradition; has the biblical text been copied so
much that it is not reliable; does the Bible contain contradictions;
does our Bible have missing books; do science, archaeology and history
support the Bible; and what is the role of prophecy in showing the Bible
is trustworthy.
How to Study the Bible: Interactive “How-To” Study Seminar
This is a seminar designed to help people become comfortable with the
tools for basic Bible study, including concordances, lexicons, Bible
Dictionaries, Bible atlases, and Bible study software. It is not a
lecture series, but a hands-on, “how-to” seminar in which the attendees
answer questions about the biblical text using the tools they have. The
subject matter can be tailored to the specific needs of the group.
Truth Matters
The idea of a singular truth even existing is under attack and has been
replaced by the present post-modern relativism. We believe that there is
such a thing as absolute truth. We also believe that the very concept of
absolute truth is under attack. Truth Matters is a series of teachings
that examines the existence of truth, the characteristics of truth, the
importance of truth, and what it means to walk in the light of truth.
This course also explores the use of logic and reasoning to expose error
and present truth.
Don’t Blame God
This seminar deals with the sovereignty of God and explains that God is
not in control of what happens on earth. It explains how God gave
authority to Adam, who transferred it to the Adversary. It explains many
difficult verses such as God hardening Pharaoh’s heart (Ex. 4:21). It
also explores the practical ramifications of our freewill, and discusses
things such as God’s timing in human history, and the need for
Christians to pray and act if God’s will is going to prevail on earth.
The Gift of Holy Spirit
This seminar teaches about the gift of holy spirit. It covers...
Please visit STFonline.org/workshops
http://tinyurl.com/2gy2y9n
For the full list and description of each weekend class / workshop.
You are always in our prayers!
The Staff of Spirit & Truth Fellowship International
STFonline.org
==================================================================
>-->From The FunnyBone: The Cynic's Guide to Life
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in
your underwear during a fire drill.
_ ___
\.\'.\ 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses.
\'\'.\ Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
__\.\:/_//
{{{{{(__(") 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
jgs `~~~~ >>>^ Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
alone.
4. If you don't
like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's
why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.
.--.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. _/aa/ \
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end (T_, \_/ ,
of his chain and gag himself. )="`------.))
o| / /
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. .' \ /__\ (\
So if you're going to steal _.' |\ \ _/ / \
the neighbors's newspaper, jgs ..-`"` (_(_/ (__/(_/
that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it
and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car
windows are down.
10. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on
the neighbors's car.
11. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.
It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
13. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your
land.
14. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to
get off and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
========================================================================
+------------- Bizarre September Holidays ---------------+
September 1 is Emma M. Nutt Day
September 2 is National Beheading Day
September 3 is Skyscraper Day
September 4 is Newspaper Carrier Day
September 5 is Be Late For Something Day
September 6 is Fight Procrastination Day
September 7 is Neither Rain Nor Snow Day
September 8 is National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day
September 9 is Teddy Bear Day
September 10 is Swap Ideas Day
================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Sandi :)
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"""""" `"""""
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady
said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her
that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English
and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are. They expect me to feed
them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty
because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My
Dogs get their first checks Friday.
---
...TeeHee! That's a riot! Thanks Sandi!
======================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Johanna :)
-. `|.
|:\-, .| \.
|: `.------------------------------------.
/ / o o o o o o o o o o o o o.-.o o (_`.
/_ \_ . .= |'| `)
``"""""""""""// / """"" `"""------"'
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// /
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----'
Who comes up with all this? I think it would work, you think?
This is one of the best ideas I've heard to date... Here's a
solution to all of the controversy over the full-body scanners
now being introduced at major airports.
What is needed is a reinforced booth that you can step into that
will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device that
you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone - there would be none of this
crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long
and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.
Case closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant.
I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a
muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available
on flight number..."
Works for me!!
-<>-
[POLITICS]
__________________
|| ||||||||||||||||||| / \
____|| ||||||||||||||||||| / \
\\\\ [] ||||||||||||||||||| / \
\____/ | | / W A R N I N G |
|_____| _|__ __ __ __|_ / |
| | ( | (_o)-/~\-(o_) | ) / |
| | (| ( ) |) /\ Gonorrhea Lectim |
| | | | / \ |
| |_______| / \ |_________ \ |
| | \ _____ / \ \ W A R N I N G |
| | \ (_____) / \ \ |
| | \___________/ | \ __________________/
| | | ||||||||||| |
| / / ||||||||| | |
| / ||||||| | |
| / {o | |
\_____/ {o | |
| {o | |
| {o | |
T. Hawkins
>Gonorrhea Lectim Warning:
Information about Gonorrhea Lectim
The Center for Disease
Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old
disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna
re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.
The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting
your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but
now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are
starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because
Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the
market called Votemout. You take the first dose in November 2010 and the
second dose in November 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior
again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all
life as we know it.
Several states are
already on top of this, like Massachusetts, Virginia, New Jersey, and
apparently now Arizona, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
---
...LOL! Awesome! I love these! Thanks Johanna!
====================================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
[POLITICS]
>From Liberty Counsel:
Last week, I shared with you that President Obama just issued
the first-ever report to the United Nations chronicling alleged
"human rights violations" right here in America.
This scathing report is one of the worst humiliations that
any president has ever placed on America's citizens - charging
you and me with human rights violations and exposing our nation
to international ridicule and criticism.
I want you to read this anti-America report to the U.N. for
yourself. Go here to download now:
http://www.liberty.edu/media/9980/attachments/report_un_usa_0810.pdf
-<>-
>From Patriot News:
Why the Ground Zero Mosque Must be Stopped
http://tinyurl.com/37jqraq
3 Ways to Improve your Constitutional Understanding
http://tinyurl.com/3xly4vq
-<>-
>From World Net News:
Glenn Beck crowd: Not so lily white as advertised
http://tinyurl.com/24kad8t
Israel prepping for war with Iran?
http://tinyurl.com/23d6ejt
Massive B.O. threat! No, not Barack Obama, the other B.O.
http://tinyurl.com/284fmjg
-<>-
>From Off The Grid News:
Survival Secrets from the Great Depression
http://tinyurl.com/28nakpu
Is Your Arsenal Up to the Task?
http://tinyurl.com/25j8mr3
Reality Shock: Your Hospital May be Killing You
http://tinyurl.com/34e5phz
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
-- Man crashes into cafe, orders breakfast ----------
PORT ORANGE, Fla. - A 91-year-old man who crashed his car
into a popular Florida restaurant proceeded to sit down
and order breakfast near his vehicle, authorities said.
Tonya Gilardi, a spokeswoman for Port Orange Fire, said
Charles Pierce was not injured when he crashed his car
into the Biscuits 'N' Gravy restaurant Monday morning but
another customer was treated for minor injuries at Halifax
Health Medical Center in Port Orange, the Daytona Beach
(Fla.) News-Journal reported. "A firefighter told me he
sat down and ordered breakfast right after the crash,"
Gilardi said of Pierce. "He sat close to where the crash
occurred so he could keep an eye on his car." Port Orange
Assistant Police Chief Wayne Miller said Pierce was
attempting to park Monday at the restaurant when he
pressed the accelerator "one too many times" and the
vehicle slammed through the glass window of the cafe.
Miller said Pierce was issued a citation for careless
driving.
-- Own J.D. Salinger's toilet for $1 million --------
KERNERSVILLE, N.C. - A North Carolina collector is auction-
ing "The Catcher in the Rye" author J.D. Salinger's toilet
on eBay with an asking price of $1 million. Rick Kohl of
Kernersville-based webuytreasure.com said he might be open
to accepting a smaller sum for the commode, which was
taken from a New Hampshire home the notoriously reclusive
author moved out of in the mid-1980s, the Charlotte News &
Observer reported Thursday. "I bet it's worth $100,000,"
Kohl said. "Come on, it's J.D. Salinger's throne! We're
talking 'Catcher in the Rye' here!" The auction runs for
about 2 1/2 weeks.
-- Man finds frame with $3,100 in dumpster --------
STUART, Fla. - Police in Florida said a man who found
$3,100 cash in the frame of a picture he pulled from a
dumpster in his apartment complex may be able to keep
the money. Warren Bendix of Stuart told police he pulled
a framed picture of a space shuttle from the trash while
he was dumpster diving at Sierra Condominium Apartments,
where he lives, at about 1:45 p.m. Saturday, TCPalm.com
reported. Bendix said he took the photo home to change
the frame and discovered 24 $100 bills and 35 $20 bills
hidden behind the picture. Sgt. Marty Jacobson, a police
spokesman, said Bendix turned the money over to officers.
"If there isn't a legitimate claim to the property, he can
claim it," Jacobson said. "We want to give a legitimate
owner an opportunity to claim it if it's theirs."
-- Large buck invades kitchen ---------------
BELLEVILLE, Ill. - An Illinois man who was awakened in
the night by a ruckus in his home said he walked into his
kitchen and was shocked to find a 10-to-12-point buck.
Mark Page of Belleville said he and his wife, Cassia, woke
up early Saturday morning to the sound of glass breaking
in their kitchen and he walked down the steps to find his
dining room window shattered and the large deer standing
in his kitchen, KSDK-TV, St. Louis, reported. "He was
standing right here, with his head in the sink," Page said.
"I looked at him for seriously not even a fraction of a
second," he said, "and I ran back upstairs because I don't
mess with deers." Page said the deer found its own way out
by crashing through another window, leaving a trail of
blood through the house as his signature. The homeowner,
who said there are no wooded areas near his home, said
police told him they used dogs to try to track the buck,
but they never found the animal.
-- Italian priest seeks to fill funerals ---------
AREZZO, Italy - An Italian priest is pleading with church-
goers to help fill the pews at poorly attended funerals.
The Rev. Marcello Colcelli wrote to members of his Arezzo
church asking them to join his "Company of the Departed"
to fill seats at funerals that are often poorly attended
or even completely empty, ANSA reported. Colcelli wrote
he has encountered many services attended "only by a few
relatives and acquaintances," and sometimes he found him-
self alone with the deceased. "I often have to do every-
thing on my own: the readings, the rites, even the mourn-
ing," Colcetti wrote in the letter, which was printed in
the La Nazione daily. "I could carry on like this but I
ask myself: Where's the community?" The cleric said he was
drafting a document for possible members of the Company of
the Departed, including "an obligation (when possible) to
take part in funerals, guaranteeing a minimum funeral
service including readings, offerings and incense."
---
...Doesn't he know the funeral service is for those living
and not for the dead? He does well if thousands show or no
one shows. He is doing the job he is supposed to do. God bless
him, he need not worry so.
===============================================================
>-->From Our Friend DonnaL :)
>Bits And Pieces:
______
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Me: Knock Knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Cash
You: Cash who?
Me: Sorry, I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
-<>-
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll
take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
-<>-
Can February March? No, but April May…
-<>-
If school were more like baseball
We'd only have to “play.”
We'd hang out in the sunshine
and run around all day.
We wouldn't have to study.
We'd practice and we'd train.
And, best of all, they'd cancel-
whenever there was rain.
~Kenn Nesbitt
-<>-
Kids can be so technical to skirt around what we want for
them…One day Jake, a nine-year-old, asked to pack his
own lunch for school. His mom agreed. But they couldn't
agree on what he should pack, so they both made lists.
This was the mom's list: She said he must have at least:
One sandwich, One apple, pretzels, A carton of milk,
and a vegetable…
This was Jake's list: Candy, Candy, Candy
Jake agreed to compromise. Sure enough, the next morning,
Jake was ready for school and he packed his lunch making
sure he had a sandwich, apple, pretzels, some milk- and
for his vegetable he chose corn. His mom came to check
his lunch, and this is what he had:
(An ice cream) “sandwich”
(A caramel) “apple”
(White chocolate-covered) “pretzels” (with sprinkles on top)
(A carton of Nesquik chocolate) “milk”
(And a bag of candy) corn
-<>-
Report cards can make students nervous when having
to give a less than desirable report to their parents.
cnnno
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A report card from one boy to his dad, read:
"Dad's Report Card"
Love - A
Patience - A
Understanding - A
Intelligence - A
Sense of humor - A
Helpfulness - A
Kindness - A
Wisdom - A
Allowances - C-
It was a birthday card, the inside of which read:
"Let's see if we can't bring that last grade up a bit,
okay Dad?"
-<>-
Ron has been telling his wife for 37 years
that diamonds look tacky on younger women.
So far, it has worked.
-<>-
A family of three tomatoes were rolling downtown one day when
the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato
walks back to the baby tomato, stomps and squashes her into
a red paste, then says, "Okay honey, now, Ketchup!"
-<>-
The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes
earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I
backed my own van load of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed
a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to
retrieve them for the forgetful scout.
An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was
parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant
Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just
called my cell phone," he said. She was mumbling "Something
about the contractor not having any shoes to wear home, and
asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were
missing on your back steps."
-<>-
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I"m a big girl I wont cry,
I"m just glad that cows don’t fly.
---
...LOL! Thanks DonnaL!
=============================================================
>-->From Our Friend PatDeE :)
>Trivia:
(~~~~~~~~)
| |
Sit And Think About This... | |--.----.
(()---. | | |
(_ ' | | |
| | | |
| | | |
|..---'' | |
.---. /\ /\..---'' | |
/ \ \ \// \ | |
: / \-OO '-' /__\ \| |
.-. : (___) 0 // // / |
| | \ (_) | //..---------' |
| | _____/.__ _/_________(/_|| |
| |-| \\ || |
____'-'-'----------O-------------|| |
(______________) |==|| |
| | | || |
| | | || |
| | | || |-abg
| | | || |
| | | || |
| | | || |
'--------------' '--''----------------'
These are things that I didn't know....
And not many people know this...
1. Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were
made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When
people saved coins in jars made of this clay,
the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an
English potter misunderstood the word, he made a
bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
2. Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters
and half dollars have notches, while pennies and
nickels do not? A: The US Mint began putting
notches on the edges of coins containing gold
and silver to discourage holders from shaving
off small quantities of the precious metals.
Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched
because they used to contain silver. Pennies and
nickels aren't notched because the metals they
contain are not valuable enough to shave.
3. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the
right while women's clothes have buttons on the
left? A: When buttons were invented, they were
very expensive and worn primarily by the rich.
Because wealthy women were dressed by maids,
dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!
Since most people are right-handed, it is easier
to push buttons on the right through holes on
the left. And that's where women's buttons have
remained since.
4. Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify
kisses? A: In the Middle Ages, when many people
were unable to read or write, documents were
often signed using an X. Kissing the X
represented an oath to fulfill obligations
specified in the document. The X and the kiss
eventually became synonymous.
5. Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone
else called 'passing the buck'? A: In card
games, it was once customary to pass an item,
called a buck, from player to player to indicate
whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not
wish to assume the responsibility, he would
'pass the buck' to the next player.
7. Q: Why are people in the public eye said to
be 'in the limelight'? A: Invented in 1825,
limelight was used in lighthouses and stage
lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which
produced a brilliant light. In the theatre,
performers on stage 'in the limelight' were seen
by the audience to be the center of attention.
8. Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use
'mayday' as their call for help? A: This comes
from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me'
– and is pronounced 'mayday.'
9. Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on
cloud nine'? A: Types of clouds are numbered
according to the altitudes they attain, with
nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said
to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well
above worldly cares.
10. Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called
'love'? A: In France , where tennis first became
popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard
looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,'
which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was
introduced in the US , Americans pronounced it 'love.'
11. Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come
from? A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went
to France as a young girl (for education &
survival), Louis, King of France, learned that
she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the
first golf course outside of Scotland built for
her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly
chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis
hired cadets from a military school to accompany
her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned
to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long
run), she took the practice with her. In French,
the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots
changed it into 'caddie.'
Think how much smarter you are now.
---
...Oh Yeah! Thanks PatDeE!
=================================================================
>-->From AndyChaps:
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/ ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_)
/\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% |
_/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\|
`-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._)
gpyy
** A Dozen Wise Sayings **
1. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
4. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
8. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
9. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
10. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
11. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
12. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall
never cease to be amused.
-<>-
** Red Marks or Read Marx **
There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on
a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the
psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the
wicker chairs."
-<>-
** Miss The Most **
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska--a trip that
the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great
it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose
and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there
permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he
asked his wife.
"You," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~ Meredith Devoe, Readers' Digest
-<>-
** A Look At American Life ** (Where do you fit in???)
(~~~~~~~~~)
| |
I'm American? | |
| |
.--------.. (()---- |
| || Cool! (_ |
| || | |
| || | | -abg
| || /\ ..--
'--------'' /\ ||-'' \
/ \ \ \// ,, \---.
.---------. \./ |~| /__\ \ |
___|_________|__|""-.___ / || | |
| |---------- .-----'| | |
| | CC.-----. | |
| | '-----' | |
||
Some Statistics about Americans. Did you know that...
* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust
their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago
it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's
homework.
* 91% of us lie regularly.
* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
* 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a
store.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters
to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an
item.
* Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2
years old.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon
their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the
carton.
* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* 45% use mouthwash every day.
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 62% of us pop our zits.
* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
* 57% have had deja vu.
* 49% believe in ESP.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 44% have broken a bone.
* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
* 15% regularly go to a shrink.
* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement
home.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS
find it up.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while
they're using the toilet.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
* 22% are functionally illiterate.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their
VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for
a night for a million bucks.
* 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
* 40% of us have had music lessons.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and
taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary
(mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves
beautiful.
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best
friends.
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's
hand.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of
them.
* 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
==================================================================
>-->From LaughAndLift:
_______ ,-.
,--'' ```---...--' ,'
,'\ .... _,-'
,-'\ \,-'""""" `----''
<. \,' Earthworm
`"'
Krogg
The Great Earthworm Rescue
(Written by Ralph F. Wilson; "Sunday Digest," 25Apr93)
There's nothing more pathetic than a lost earthworm. Trust me. I know.
My daughter Annie and I were walking down the long dirt road from our
house to the street to pick up the paper Saturday morning when we
spotted it.
The unlucky earthworm had crawled from the lush green grass at the edge
onto the sandy surface of the road. You could trace his progress in the
sand. He seemed headed across the road when he swerved. Maybe it was the
slight rise and fall of the surface that threw him off, I don't know.
But all at once he began to crawl in irregular circles.
When we found him, the poor thing was thin and dry, covered with tiny
grains of sand, in utter despair. Round and round he wriggled as the sun
rose higher hastening the hour when his arch enemy - car tires - would
find him naked and exposed. Swish, grind, and that would be all. "Let's
rescue him," I said to Annie. She gently lifted his grainy form from the
road and deposited it gingerly in the safety of the tall grass at the
side.
What a way to begin a day. It makes you feel good deep inside to rescue
a worm.
But there were others. Scores of others. Worm after hapless worm had
made his way from the safety of the grass to the trackless desert of the
road. Occasionally we'd find a fat, juicy worm just beginning his brave
journey, blissfully unaware of the dangers ahead. Little did he know . .
But we were there for them. I would look for the tell-tale circling
track in the sand. "There's another," I would shout, and Annie would
rush to the rescue site to lift yet another victim to safety. What would
explain this great worm exodus? As we worked together as a finely-tuned
mercy team, a theory began to unfold.
There must have been some worm of a disc jockey on a late night station
who had offered a prize for the worm who made it to the other side. That
must be it! But who would receive the prize? We began to look for that
one worm winner who possessed that stamina, courage, and unerring sense
of direction required for this daring expedition. Did this one make it,
I would wonder as I traced his trail in the sand. No, here he starts to
curve around. Invariably, one after another, the worms would lapse into
circles, aimlessly crawling, going nowhere - rapidly at first, then
slower and slower as their precious resources drained away.
We were almost back to the house when we found him, the worm who had bet
against the odds and won. We traced his trail from one side of the road
to the other. But no, he was within inches of the grass on the far side
when he veered and began heading the wrong direction, back to where he
came from, the "Wrong Way Carrigan" of the worm world. I tell you no
lie. It actually happened, though I can't vouch for the disc jockey
part.
But enough of grainy, bedraggled worms. As Annie and I joked and rescued
our way back to the house I thought of people I know. Where are we on
our journey? Where are we going, anyway? Do we have a life goal, a
destination, or are we just wandering? A verse came to mind as I acted
as chief worm-spotter: "I will instruct you and teach you the way you
should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you" (Psalm 32:8).
If only those worms had air support - someone with perspective to radio
down their position - they could make it. And I thought of how
desperately we need a guide to show us the way across, a rescuer who
will pick us up, hopeless and lost though we may be, and gently deposit
us on the other side.
"Rescuer," you know means about the same as "Savior." Jesus is that
Rescuer. He knows the way. Are you tired of going round in circles,
fighting fatigue and the fear of being squashed flat? Lift your weary
head one more time and utter a faint worm-prayer. And then watch for
your Rescuer. Look up! Look up!
-<>-
The Laugh
____ ___
| _ \ ___ _ _.' _ `.
_ | [_) )' _ `._ _ ___ ! \ | | (_) | _
|:;.| _ <| (_) | \ | |' _ `| \| | _ | .:;|
| `.[_) ) _ | \| | (_) | | | | |.',..|
':. `. /| | | | | _ | |\ | | |.' :;::'
!::, `-!_| | | |\ | | | | | \ !_!.' ':;!
!::; ":;:!.!.\_!_!_!.!-'-':;:'' '''!
';:' `::;::;' '' ., .
`: .,. `' .::... . .::;::;'
`..:;::;:.. ::;::;:;:;, :;::;'
"-:;::;:;: ':;::;:'' ;.-'
""`---...________...---'"" Bugbyte
>Quick Jokes
One time my mom and I had gone to the local Dairy Queen for an ice cream
treat. She had her heart (or should I say, tummy) set on a banana split
and was looking forward to it. I went in and ordered it and the girl
dutifully went about making the banana split. I noticed there were
mounds of whipped cream, but didn't think anything unusual. When I took
it out to my mom, she of course, did what most of us would do, she dug
right in. She ate a few bites before it occurred to her that something
wasn't right...it just didn't taste quite like a banana split. A little
digging around under the mounds of whipped cream confirmed the problem.
They had made a banana split, without - you guessed it - a banana!! Now,
I'm sure the poor girl was just overworked, but both my mom and I got a
great kick out of wondering how in the world you could create a banana
split without the key ingredient - a banana! :)
(Chris Long)
--------
When I was about a year old or so, my mom was feeding me some soft food.
My sister, who would have been 4 or 5 at the time, turned to my mom as
she was feeding me and focussing her attention on me, and uttered a
classic: She said, "You KNOW, I was PLANNING on being an ONLY child!" We
get a kick out of that to this day!
(Chris Long)
--------
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't
understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had
become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at
the soup aisle.
An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over,
blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and
said, "Boy is she r-u-d-e!"
"Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."
(Author Unknown)
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Want to receive a Christian inspirational item AND great clean humor in
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Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com
======================================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are
asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are
52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per
week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend
16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days,
leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts
for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This
leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are
off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per
year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll
be darned if you are going to take that day off!
-<>-
______
| O |
| ,|._ |
| `A _|__
|__|\_\ \ O
\ ._|.)
\___A
_|_ |\ SSt
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University
of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his
asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class
assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and
submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the
grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions
in the painting were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The
shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the
professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay,
A minus."
-<>-
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are
but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned
over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
-<>-
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit
school and work to help support his younger brothers and
sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and
started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately
prospered.
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his
bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you
about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it.
All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we
just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that
since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have
a middle name."
-<>-
.
`.
| `.
| | _
__________ | ( ) ._
`-n |/ (_,/ /
/\, `-n. `--`'
/ /\, `-n-.\\_
(, \< `-=======.
//\_,)) .'|------.
\`( )') .'| |------.
\ V / .' | |------.
) ( | | r------
( [ _\ | r-' |
| )/ \) | r-' |
| L \>r-' |
.=======-' |
.------|`.
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`-n | | /, .-,)
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`-n | /, )-'
_ `-|=(< \|.
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( ) .-' \\ ( ) .'| |----- .
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\\_ _, ;____/ : | r------
) )\ .-' /. ( | r-' |
/ /| \.-' /,\ \ | r-' |
//'\| \\ > r-' '
------------------- ------------------
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out
of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage
door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just
then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn
carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must
have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the
neighborhood!"
-<>-
The New Year's Eve party had turned into a marathon with
numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked
on the door, was greeted heartily though no one knew who he
was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there
happily for about an hour before a strange light dawned on
his face.
"You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited
to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of
your guests' cars are blocking my driveway. My wife's been
sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."
-<>-
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive
oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an
odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went
to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell
like olive oil?"
.-'-.
/` |__ ____
/` _.--`-,-` .---. `\
'-|` a '<-. [] /o o \ |
\ _\__) \=` | .' /_
C_ ` ,_/ c ( /
jgs | ;----' `.~_ `-'
____| |___ __\ \___
.'` _./' '\._`'. /(( ` ` ))\
--'` `-.-` `'- `======`
"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
-<>-
A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a
dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup." He summons
a waiter to complain.
The waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and
yells to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the printers for-
got to translate the menu into French again!"
===============================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit:
Sweet Little Pad
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/homepad.html
Up Close And Personal
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/personal.html
Volvo Lego Car
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/legocar.html
Humorous Ads
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/humorad.html
Extreme Homes
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/exhomes.html
Dog Logic
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doglogic.html
WORMS
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/worms.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Wesley :)
Universal Image Conversion Tool
http://xrl.in/2p66
Make Your Own Wanted Poster
http://xrl.in/2otu
Calculate Your Body Mass Index
http://xrl.in/2p6a
See Yourself Thinner !
http://xrl.in/2p6b
---
...Great Links! Thanks Wesley!
-<>-
>From LynnLynn's Links:
Mouse Wont Work
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gjsksowl.htm
Movie TV Bed
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gjkeoel.htm
M Rip It Up
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gnzxjzkaka.htm
The Flies In Florida Are Tough
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gajskks.htm
Dunk Shot
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ghsasjs.htm
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
===============================================================
>-->Thoughts & Thunkers:
"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the
paint you can on it." --Danny Kaye
"There are more important things in life than money - but they
won't go out with you if you're broke." --Unknown
Now cigar smoking is supposed to be cool for women. I say,
'God blass ya.' Really. Whenever I'm in an intimate
situation with a pretty girl, I want her to remind me as
much as possible of Edward G. Robinson." --Richard Jeni
When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there's a
reason. --Molly McGee
"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; sometimes it
gets replaced." --John Peers
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." --Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
"Being eaten by crocodile is just like going to sleep...in a
giant blender." --Homer Simpson
Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it?
You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have
dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple
of bags of Skittles. --The Simpsons
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chhristian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->Pass this on as it should be of interesst to all who served.
The study was carried out in Austrialia on their Vietnam Veterans.
ABC Nat. Radio Health Report Autralian Vietnam Vets:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/HealthReportVV.mp3
VV
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DDARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
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A Recipe
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