Happy Chicken Soup For The Soul Day! ... :) Shangy!
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-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This searing hot new page is from our friend Judy. It is one to
give you plenty of smiles. She sent us a heartwarming update for
our very first Ricochet Surf Dog page. If that wasn't enough, she
also gave us insight as to how our canine buddies can not only
help kids and people with disabilities achieve new heights but can
also help our suffering veterans as well! Be sure to check this
out and the videos here...
\\ /////
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Mike Hertz
Ricochet's Soul Vision!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ricochetvision.html
---
...So amazing and awesome what you do! Thanks Judy!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of
the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
-<>-
"I see you last worked in a psychiatrist's office," said the employment
agency director to the nurse. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," the nurse replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work,
I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on
time, I was compulsive."
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
November 12 is Chicken Soup for the Soul Day
November 13 is Caregiver Appreciation Day, National Indian Pudding Day,
Sadie Hawkins Day, World Kindness Day and Young Readers Day
November 14 is Operating Room Nurse Day and World Diabetes Day
November 15 is America Recycles Day, Clean Your Refrigerator Day,
Great American Smokeout and National Philanthropy Day
November 16 is Button Day, Have a Party With Your Bear Day,
International Tolerance Day and National Fast Food Day
November 17 is Electronic Greeting Card Day, Homemade Bread Day,
National Adoption Day, Take A Hike Day and World Peace Day
November 18 is Occult Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
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""---------""
-Bungle-
>Poisoned Coffee
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table
and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the
slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry
for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."
-<>-
>Break Time
I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break time. In
an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin
board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut
from a half-hour to 20 minutes."
-<>-
>Get Me Out!
My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was
trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to
open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so
they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.
A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the
doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"
"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."
"They did," said the voice.
-<>-
>Swollen Foot
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor hands the man a pill big enough to
choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down
his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his
throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20
minutes."
-<>-
The snooty old woman was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a
dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one
have a good pedigree?"
"Madam," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk
to either one of us."
-<>-
\\ /////
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Mike Hertz
>Veteran's Day 2018 (Serious, Not Humor)
There are a small handful of times during the year when I switch to a
serious topic. Veteran's Day is one of those occasions that is very
important to me. In the United States, Veteran's Day is November 11th
(this is also Remembrance Day in Canada). In the early 1970's,
Veteran's Day became a "movable" holiday -- the fourth Monday of
October. In 1978, at the urging of veteran's groups who realized the
sanctity of the date, Congress returned Veteran's Day to November
11th. Please remember that this day is not to honor war, but rather
to honor the sacrifice made by others for our freedom.
What we call Veteran's Day is the anniversary of the signing of the
Armistice in the Forest of Campiegne by the Allies and the Germans in
1918 (the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month). This
signified the end of World War I and was originally known as
Armistice Day. President Woodrow Wilson signed the Congressional
Resolution on Nov. 11, 1919, the first Armistice Day.
However, after World War II, the day began to lose meaning and since
there were many other veterans to consider, the decision was made to
change November 11th to honor all those who fought in American wars.
The United States Congress passed an act to change the name to
Veteran's Day and in 1954 President Dwight Eisenhower signed the act.
With that in mind, I would like to say "thank you" to all the men and
women with whom I served, and to especially remember those who aren't
with us anymore. As a former Hospital Corpsman, I wish a heartfelt
"Semper Fi" to all my Marine friends.
- Tom Ellsworth
(HM2 USN 1965-69)
This year I want to share (again) the piece that I first used back in
2000 when I started posting something special on Veteran's Day.
(Note: The following piece was attributed to a Marine Corps chaplain,
but as a Hospital Corpsman, I know that technically any chaplain with
a Marine unit is really a member of the US Navy, just as any doctor
or hospital corpsman (medic) is a member of the US Navy. This bit of
military trivia is most likely not known by most people, but it in no
way diminishes the powerful message of the piece nor my profound
respect for the Marines.)
----------------------------------
WHAT IS A VETERAN?
Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a
jagged scar, a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence
inside them, a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in
the leg - or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally
forged in the refinery of adversity.
Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America
safe wear no badge or emblem. You can't tell a vet just by looking.
What is a vet?
A vet is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia
sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers
didn't run out of fuel.
A vet is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose
overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic
scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th Parallel.
A vet is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep
sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang.
A vet is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or
didn't come back at all.
A vet is the drill instructor who has never seen combat - but has
saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account punks and gang
members into marines, airmen, sailors, soldiers and coast guardsmen,
and teaching them to watch each other's backs.
A vet is the parade-riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and
medals with a prosthetic hand.
A vet is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals
pass him by.
A vet is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns,
whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever
preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies
unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless
deep.
A vet is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied
now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp
and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold
him when the nightmares come.
A vet is an ordinary and yet extraordinary human being, a person who
offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his
country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to
sacrifice theirs.
A vet is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and
he is nothing more that the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of
the finest, greatest nation ever known.
So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just
lean over and say, "Thank You." That's all most people need, and in most
cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or
were awarded.
Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU".
----------------------------
As a final thought on my part, let me share a favorite prayer:
"Lord, keep our servicemen and women safe, whether they serve at home
or overseas. Hold them in Your loving hands and protect them as they
protect us. Also remember their families back at home. They sacrifice
by being away from their loved ones."
Let's all keep those currently serving and those who have gone before
in our thoughts. They are the reason for the many freedoms we enjoy.
Remember, we live in the land of the free because of the brave.
(Heroes don't wear capes; heroes wear dog tags.)
=========================================================
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>-->Chicken Jokes for Chicken Soup For The Soul Day! :)
Q: How do monsters like their eggs?
A: Terri-fried.
Q. Why did the elephant cross the road?
A. The chicken couldn’t be bothered.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: Because they break if they drop them.
Q. Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
A. The elephant stepped on it.
Q: Where did the chicken grow?
A: On a poultry.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the construction site?
A: To see a person lay a brick.
Q: Why did the cactus cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken.
Q. Why did the toad hop across the road?
A. He was following the chicken
Q: Why did half the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to its other side
Q: Why did the chicken join a band?
A: Because it already had the drumsticks.
Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck
Q: Why did the rooster run away?
A: He was chicken.
Q: What do chickens grow on?
A: Eggplants.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee calling fowls
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: How do baby chickens dance?
A: Chick-to-chick (cheek to cheek).
See More Chicken Jokes Here:
https://funkidsjokes.com/jokes-about-chickens/
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
|\=.
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>A Test
Don't scroll Past the animals until you have decided upon your answer....
There is a very tall coconut tree and there are four animals:
A Lion - A Chimp - A Giraffe AND - A Squirrel
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana
off the tree. Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully.....
Try and answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
:OK!
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS
Obviously you're stressed and overworked!
You should take some time off and relax.
---
...TeeHee! Probably Russia did it! Thanks LouiseAu!
-<>-
>Who's your Baby's Daddy?
The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support
Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting
it another way... Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I was with
a man I met that night. I do remember that it was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please
send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.
5. I have never been with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting
a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country....Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was
also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart. (This made number #1).
---
...Oh for goodness sake! LOL! Terrible! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From HandyHints:
__________
|DAILY NEWS|
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ejm97 |__________|
>Newspaper
Newspapers to clean up broken glass?
Yes, you sure can!
First, pick up and dispose of the larger pieces wrapped
in old newspaper.
Then carefully blot the surrounding area with a few sheets
of wet newspaper - the shards of glass will stick to the
damp wad of paper.
--
In need of some packing material?
Newspaper is a great substitute for bubble wrap - which can
be quite expensive.
To pack a box with fragile contents, first wrap the items
individually. Place them in the box, separated by crumpled
paper. Then fill any remaining space with crumpled paper.
If you have a lot of old paper, use a paper shredder to make
piles of great packaging material. This makes great fillers for
fragile gifts and the best part...Whoever receives your gift
can avoid adding to the world's waste and put your papery
packaging straight in their home recycling bin.
That's what I call a win win!
-<>-
.:::.
.:::. /:::::\
/:':':\ | _ |
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jgs | | /`'---'`\
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`'-----'`
>Salt
Yuck...your shoes smell
It doesn't matter what kind of shoes...gym, canvas, high
heels - they can get quite pongy especially when they are
worn without socks.
Here's your solution:
Get into the habit of deodorising them every night with
by sprinkling a small amount of salt inside - it will
soak up any lingering smells leaving them fresher in the morning.
--
Clean a glass coffee pot with salt and ice cubes...
Every diner waitress' favorite tip:
Add a hefty dose of salt and ice cubes to a coffee pot,
swirl around vigorously, and rinse.
The salt scours the bottom, and the ice helps to agitate
it more for a better scrub.
-<>-
>Use cooking spray to remove soap scum in shower
Spray glass shower doors and tapware with light coating of
coating of non-stick cooking spray. Leave for 5-10 minutes.
Wipe off with clean cloth or paper towel, then wash away
with cold water. A slight residue will remain to form a
barrier against build up.
-<>-
>Vinegar to remove sweat stains from clothing
Mix 1 part vinegar with 4 parts water. Pour or spray onto
underarms, collars or affected areas of clothing and soak
for at least one minute. Wash as directed on clothing tags.
-<>-
>Have you heard this quick tip to get grass stains out
of clothing?
Dissolve 1/2 cup of sugar with enough warm water to create
a thick paste. Apply directly on to the grass-stained
fabric. Let sit for at least an hour. Wash according to
directions on label.
=========================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Ed Rogers writes that by most measures, Republicans beat the odds of
history—and nearly everyone’s expectations—for the 2018 midterms. “The
instant analysis is clear: Democrats may have won the House, but Trump
won the election.” President Trump and his allies “have an appeal that
the elites in New York and Hollywood cannot dismiss or combat,” Rogers
explains. The Kavanaugh Debacle Cost the Democrats the Senate
https://tinyurl.com/y73a8xvw
“The President elected two years ago to revive American prosperity is
now presiding over an economic boom. The first two years of the Trump
era have been so good that his predecessor has lately been barnstorming
the country trying to persuade voters that we’re still living in the
Obama era. It is the sincerest form of political flattery,” James
Freeman writes.
Democrats Won the House, but Trump Won the Election
https://tinyurl.com/y93aef44
Trump Devastates Obamacare
https://1600daily.com/2018/11/08/trump-devastates-obamacare/
Trump Honors Victims of Communism (socialism)
A main feature of communism is an implacable hostility to capitalism,
the economic system that has produced the most advanced and freest
civilization in human history.
Trump’s commitment to defeat international socialism and communism has
been a welcome change in the White House, especially against the “troika
of tyranny” in the Americas – Venezuela, Cuba and Nicaragua.
https://1600daily.com/2018/11/08/trump-honors-victims-communism/
President Trump Closes Major Immigration Loophole
Illegal aliens will no longer get a free pass into our country by
lodging meritless claims in seeking asylum. Instead, migrants seeking
asylum will have to present themselves lawfully at a port of entry.
https://tinyurl.com/y892fuah
Trump Defends New Attorney General
https://1600daily.com/2018/11/09/trump-defends-new-attorney-general/
Dem Election Lawyer’s Dark Past
https://1600daily.com/2018/11/10/dem-election-lawyers-dark-past/
Trump Puts New Pressure on California
President Trump has called out California for its terrible forestry
management, which seriously limits controlled burns. Fox News reports:
Trump wrote that "there is no reason for these massive, deadly and
costly fires in California." He added that "billions of dollars are
given each year, with so many lives lost, all because of gross
mismanagement of the forests. Remedy now, or no more Fed payments!"
---
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ejm )\ (
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...So Sad! May God bless, comfort and heal all those affected by these
terrible California fires in the name of Jess Christ!
There's a better way to tame large forest fires. So why don't we do it?
https://tinyurl.com/y9xf8qtx
California needs to stop listening to the environmentalists who want to
protect all nature and do the maintenance needed getting rid of the
thick brush in their forests and woods! My son thinks it is due to the
money. Why spend it maintaining when you get all that help and aide from
the state and Federal government to rebuild. Follow the money sort of
thing.
As a kid, my forest ranger grandmother gave me a Smokey the Bear. If
you don't know the heartwarming story, here it is:
https://www.fs.fed.us/blogs/story-smokey-bear
I saw in the news that Bearadise in California had been
totally burnt down - so sad! Image 18 here shows what I saw:
https://tinyurl.com/y8ov3po8
Think of all the real wildlife that suffers too during these horrific
California wildfires!
Trump is right to call them out to do their job! What is upsetting is
that since Trump did this, the news media is twisting it to say he is
blaming the firefighters for the fires in California! What ignoramuses!
I mean really! People risking their lives to save lives and property
are NOT who Pres. Trump is calling out! He is blaming the California
government for their poor forestry management for goodness sake. Pres.
Trump has many times praised the firefighters for their heroic work!
Here is an example just from this last August...
_____
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Trump praises efforts of firefighters battling California's wildfires
"We're deeply grateful to our incredible firefighters and first
responders," Mr. Trump told reporters. "They’re really brave people.
They're risking their lives... to contain these devastating fires so
they can save our lives."
https://tinyurl.com/yctxvpfb
To think CNN and others news media is making firefighters mad at our
President is sadly disturbing and tremendously outrageous! That is
just not right! Our President is all in for these brave people and all
our military, first responders, and law enforcement! He has said so
over and over and over again! There should be no question about it.
They go from fake news to down and out bold face liars!
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Students For Life
https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6
Latest From OperationRescue:
http://www.operationrescue.org/
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
Stories of giant, mutant alligators lurking in the sewers
of New York City (and some other dense urban centers) go
all the way back to the 1930s. Then, just like now, morons
liked to buy novelty pets, like baby alligators, and raise
them in fish tanks. Of course, when the alligator grew too
large for comfort, the pet owner would do the responsible
thing and flush the reptile down the toilet. Supposedly,
then, the gators would reside in the sewers, feeding on
rats and garbage, and grow to giant size.
Fortunately, these stories were never proven to be true.
Probably because it freezes in New York for three or four
months out of the year, and alligators don't respond very
well to being frozen.
But there is a place that does have favorable conditions,
plenty of warmth, moisture and undeveloped land, and plenty
of morons who buy exotic pets they can't take care of and
then turn them loose into the environment. That place is
called Florida and judging from some of the stories that
have been coming up, Florida is turning into the Land of the
Lost.
Just last week a massive Asian water monitor lizard was
captured by wildlife officers after spending months on the
loose in a Florida neighborhood. Not lost in a swamp some-
where, but lurking around a suburban neighborhood. Officers
captured the 6-foot-long lizard after it escaped from a
woman's home in August and was repeatedly spotted in a
neighbor family's yard. How would you like to find a 6-foot-
long lizard under one of your bushes when you let your dog
out in the back yard?
But while 6 feet is big, it is not nightmare-inducing like
the giant Burmese python that was bagged recently by a
hunter on land owner by the South Florida Water Management
District in Miami-Dade County.
Apparently the county has such a problem with the killer
snakes, they have instituted a Python Elimination Program.
The district said the total number of snakes eliminated
since the program began last year has risen to 1,859.
But this last one was a record-setter. The district shared
a photo of the hunter, Kyle Penniston, posing with the
17-foot, 5-inch monster.
At this point the only things Florida is missing are a few
dinosaurs and some Sleestaks.
-<>-
When you go fishing there is always an element of surprise.
Are you going to catch the 'big one' this time? Or just an
old boot or inner tube. That is the kind of excitement that
drags thousands of thrill-seekers to their local lakes and
rivers with their rods in one hand and coolers full of beer
in the other.
But one fisherman in New Zealand hooked a lot more than he
ever expected recently when he cast his line at a beach in
a public park located in the Bay of Plenty region of the
North Island. In fact, his 'catch' impacted the lives of
several people.
Gus Hutt was checking his lines early in the morning when
he saw what he thought was a doll in the ocean.
"His face looked like porcelain with his short hair wetted
down," Mr. Hutt told the local news. "But then he let out
a little squeak and I thought, 'Oh No, this is a baby and
it's alive'. He was floating at a steady pace with a rip
in the water. If I hadn't been there, or if I had just been
a minute later I wouldn't have seen him."
Hutt said his wife Sue ran to the park manager, who directed
her to the only visitors who had a baby.
"She ran to the tent and just shook it and asked, 'where's
your baby - we just pulled one from the sea' - and the
mother just screamed," Hutt said.
The parents said the baby, named Malachi, had pulled up the
zipper of their tent while they were sleeping and crawled
under the flap before heading to the beach.
Emergency services treated the boy and then took him to a
nearby hospital. Mr. Hutt said the parents later thanked
him and Malachi seemed perfectly happy.
+-- Man Humiliates Bear in Front of Her Cubs --+
A North Carolina man who survived a bear attack with only
minor scrapes and bruises said he repeatedly punched the
animal in the face. Sonny Pumphrey, 78, said he was in his
driveway when a mother bear and her two cubs approached his
house. Pumphrey said the cubs ran off when they saw him,
but the mother bear attacked. "She made a charging dead run
at me. That sucker was eyeball to eyeball to me," he told
local news. He said the bear then bit him and he retaliated
by repeatedly hitting the predator in the head. "Only thing
I could do was to punch her right in the nose," Pumphrey
said. His wife, Betty, and the couple's Yorkie dog came
outside to investigate the commotion and their appearance
caused the mother bear to flee. Pumphrey said he was lucky
to walk away with only minor injuries. "I could have been
dead. I could have been really cut up bad," he said.
+-- America: Speed Bumps. Australia: Speed Trees? --+
Here's a brilliant idea, mate. The local council for the
City of Stirling in Western Australia has come up with a
unique solution to slow down speeding drivers. They have
planted over 40 trees. In the middle of the roads. The
city's mayor, Mark Irwin, said, "The aim of the project
is to encourage drivers to adopt lower speeds, discourage
non-local through traffic, reduce the speed and volume of
traffic using the residential streets, and provide more
walkable pedestrian and bike riding areas." Well, the
locals did ask for it. The initiative was adopted after
residents raised concerns about dangerous drivers. That'll
teach 'em. One resident posted on social media, 'First
safety cameras. Now safety trees. In the middle of the
road. To prevent accidents. So proud to be Australian.'
Well, it's not like Australians have a reputation for
drinking, so dodging trees while weaving down the road in
the middle of the night shouldn't be a problem.
+-- Delta Apologizes After Passenger Sits in Poop --+
These emotional support animals are getting really
comfortable on flights. Delta Air Lines issued an apology
after a Michigan man said he boarded a flight in Atlanta
and sat in dog poop. Matthew Meehan said he boarded a
flight from Atlanta to Miami and he was already sitting
down when he discovered there were dog feces all over the
chair and floor. "Actual feces and it was all over me. I
sat in it and it was on the seat, on the floor, the seat
in front. And I was literally in it," Meehan said. Meehan
said he and the passenger sitting next to him were offered
very little help with the situation. "I have no idea why I
wasn't offered something from the bio hazard kit to clean
myself up with. Instead I was handed two paper towels and
one of those miniature bottles of Bombay Sapphire, a bottle
of gin to clean myself with," Meehan said. [That's just a
waste of good gin.] Delta addressed in the incident in a
statement. "The safety and health of our customers and
employees is our top priority, and we are conducting a full
investigation while following up with the right teams to
prevent this from happening again. Upon landing in Miami,
the aircraft was taken out of service to be deep cleaned
and disinfected," the statement said.
+-- Hotel's Underwater Villa Costs $50k per Night --+
A luxury hotel in the Maldives has opened what it describes
as the world's first "underwater hotel residence," a two-
story villa under the Indian Ocean. The Conrad Maldives
Rangali Island said the underwater villa, dubbed Muraka,
includes a private gym, a stocked bar, an infinity pool,
butler's quarters, an ocean-facing bathtub and an under-
water bedroom with a panoramic view of the world 16 feet
under the surface of the Indian Ocean. The top floor of
the villa, located above the water, features a "relaxation
deck" for sunbathing. The luxury villa costs $50,000 per
night with a minimum four-night package purchase required.
The package includes a personal chef and use of a private
boat. The Conrad is also home to Ithaa, an underwater
five-star restaurant.
=========================================================
>From TheGroaner:
.----.
===(_)== THIS WONT HURT A BIT...
// 6 6 \\ /
( 7 )
\ '--' /
\_ ._/
__) (__
/"`/`\`V/`\`\
/ \ `Y _/_ \
/ [DR]\_ |/ / /\
| ( \/ / / /
\ \ \ /
\ `-/` _.`
jgs `=. `=./
`"`
I went to see my doctor the other day. He was glad to see me because I
usually have a rather bizarre and complex medical question to ask him
during my visits. And this visit was no different.
Once I was weighed and had my blood pressure taken I anxiously awaited
my doctor's entrance into the exam room. After eating sixteen cotton
balls I heard a knock at the door and then he entered.
"So, what's it today?" he said with a defeated tone in his voice.
"Oh, it's a good one," I said like a giddy child.
He took a deep breath and asked, "It's not about aliens stealing your
thoughts to figure out what your favorite favorite member of ABBA is is
it?
"No, not this time, Doc."
"So what then?"
I paused and then I let him have it, "Doc, can you make your mind
believe that you are physically older than you actually are and then
your body begins to age rapidly because your mind makes your body
believe that it's old and then you get gray hair overnight and then you
want to watch old "Mannix" episodes all of the time and the waistline of
your pants starts to move up towards your neck and you tell people to
turn their music down and you turn the volume of your TV game shows up
really loud and you feel really old?"
After a long breath my doctor looked at me with intense focus and said
very calmly, "Yes."
"I KNEW IT!"
Good visit. We'll get to that alien thought-stealing business during my
next visit.
-<>-
>Anything For $50
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers
in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls
out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says,
"Here...paint my house."
-<>-
>The Tennis Ball
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his
shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for
the lights to change. A girl standing next to him saw the large bulge in
his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, with her eyes gleaming lustfully.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful, I had tennis
elbow once!"
-<>-
>Hilarious Puns:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
-<>-
.---.
.--. ___/ \
/ `.-"" `-, ;
; / O O \ /
`. \ /-'
_ J-.__; _.'
(" / `. -=:
`: `, -=|
| F\ i, ; -|
| | | || \_J
fsc mmm! `mmM Mmm'
>Q and A Quickies:
Q: Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
A: They can't keep their trunks up!
Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A: So he won't be spotted.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_____________ __________
/\ \_____ _ (\ -=- \
|; _____|_| `\ --=-= \
\/____________/ \ -==--=- \
__ ) -==-==- )
jgs \/ ( =-==-= (
\ -=- \
/_) -=- )
`""""""""""`
>"YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY..."
"Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true. In reality, every-
thing comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a
row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way,
in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything
came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took
them longer to recognize the pattern.
"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that
depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can
certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take
it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.
"You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn
something old every day. Just because you've just learned
it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it,
Columbus is a good example of this.
"You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have
you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would
believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact,
if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you
get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations
get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that,
on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six.
Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval
times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-
sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
-<>-
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers
burst in.
While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers,
the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up
against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches,
etc.
While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in
lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number
two whispers, "What is this?"
To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
-<>-
_____________
| ___ ___ ___ |
||_=_|_=_|_=_||
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||____===____||
_|_____________|_
| _______________ |
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||.-----___-----.||
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''===============''
(o)LGB (o)
>THE MODERN TOOLBOX:
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain
on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on
oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when
the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn
on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes
off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard
with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you
to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so
that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of
electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal
to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging
complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old
paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.
-<>-
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into
a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room
might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and
went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and
realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back
to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry
Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
-<>-
My sister, went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up
soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed
the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too
young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
-<>-
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger
sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to
ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry
softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."
=========================================================
>-->From TheJokester:
.-'"""'-.
,____|_______|____,
'._____________.' REACH
|.-- --.| FOR THE SKY!
|(o) (o)|
(| |)
| U |
__ | .___. | YOU'RE MY
/||| | | FAVORITE
|||| : : DEPUTY!
| |/) `.___.'
\ / __) (__
\/\ /\ \ / /\
\ \ /\ \ ^ / /\ THERE'S A
\ \ / | |0_/\_ \ SNAKE IN
\ \/ /| | \ /\ \ MY BOOT!
\ / | |0//\\ \ \
\/ | / \ | \ \
|/ .-. \| / /
.-'|-( ~ )-| / / HI!
\ |--`-'--|/ / MY NAME'S WOODY!
\ | | /
\| | |/
| | |
| | | HOWDY PARDNER!
| | |
| | |
| | |
|___|___| YEEEHAH COWBOY!
`|---|---|'
*| | |*
|_._|_._|
/' /|\ '\ SOMEONE POISONED
jgs / /^ ^\ \ THE WATERHOLE!
/__.' `.__\
>Some Honest Toy Disclaimers
* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in
real life than it does in the TV commercial.
* Some dismemberment may occur.
* Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!!
Just walk away, timid little man.
* Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
* Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat
to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
-<>-
.--.
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A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't
appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a
misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf
and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls
are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane
ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the
back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."
-<>-
A Swiss man needed directions, so he pulled up to a bus stop where two
Americans were waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.
The two Americans just stared at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to
stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Nothing.
The man drove off in disgust. One American turned to the other and said,
"You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" said the other. "That guy knew four and it didn't help him at
all!"
-<>-
._-'-_ .
. ' /_-_-_\ ` .
.' |-_-_-_-| `.
ejm ( `.-_-_-.' )
!`. .'!
! ` . . ' !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
/ / \ \
_-| \___ ___/ /-_
(_ )__\_)\(_/__( _)
))))\X\ ((((
\/ \/
Jose was 35 and desperate to meet an attractive Latina he could date
and maybe marry. After trying unsuccessfully to meet a nice attractive
woman at a bar or club his friend suggested the Internet. He had luck
meeting women that way and his only warning was "Be direct and state
exactly what you are looking for no more, no less".
Taking his friends advice he decided to place an ad on a dating service
stating exactly what he wanted: "Latino seeking sensual Latina."
He got a response from girl #2259 with her address and directions to
pick her up on Friday night at 8:00 pm for a date.
When he arrives at her door, he finds that she is indeed sensual. But
he notices she is black. Figuring she must be Dominicana or Cubana,
he starts to speak Spanish to her.
"Como esta usted senorita?"
With attitude the girl replied..."OH H NO, you must be trippin!!!!"
Confused and startled, Jose asks the woman "Don't you speak Spanish?"
The woman shocked replied "Why the H would I speak Spanish?"
Embarrassed, Jose carefully explains that while she is very attractive
there must be a mistake because his ad clearly stated "Seeking Sensual
Latina"
Enraged, the woman tells Jose "Fool you better RECOGNIZE !!!! You GOT
what you WANTED!!!! My momma is LaShonda, My sister is LaQuisha. My
brother is LaTrell and I am LaTINA !!!!
=========================================================
>-->From TheMouth:
Remember, laws are only on the book if it was a problem at the time...
_\|/_
/--\
|[]|
_] \/ [_
/_ `==' _\
\\| |//
l\ __/j
`|-'##|
|#||#|
|#||#|
_|#||#|_
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as
>Strange United States Laws
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the
corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with
whom he is unaquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the
same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to
dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket
and pants that do not match.
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer
to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house
or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four
hours of eating garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of
strapless gown.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and
drink beer from a bucket.
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless
the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own
property.
In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking
on your hands.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing
while standing in front of a man's picture.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500
feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
---
...Also See This one:
USA Of Crazy Laws
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/uscrazylaws.html
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Human Chameleon!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chameleon.html
Mini Crochet Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/crochetart.html
Humorous Signs 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns3.html
Taking A Catnap 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catnap2.html
Shopping With Men!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/menshopping.html
Big Baby Big Dogs!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bigdogs.html
Life's Little Oops!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops.html
Playing With Food!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food.html
Humor In Religion!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion.html
Amazing Albino Animals!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/albino.html
Bear Playground!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bearplay.html
Cats Of The Zodiac!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/zodiaccats.html
Nanny Animals 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nannyanimals3.html
Got A Nanosecond?-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano.html
God's Advertisements!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/godsads.html
Look Who's Talking!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking.html
Veteran/Troop Pages!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/911andtroopsindex.html
-<>-
Some of Shangrala's Best Pages
http://www.amazafamily.com/index.html
-<>-
Product Alert: Potatoes, Pet Food and More RECALLS
http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text
Health Alert: CDC Salmonella Update
http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text
Thumbs & Ammo
Thumbs & Ammo replaces the guns in famous movie stills with thumbs. It's
quite entertaining and might improve some movies. The sites motto -
"Real tough guys don't need guns, they just need a positive, can-do
attitude."
http://thumbsandammo.blogspot.com/
Here's Why Spinoff TV Shows Are Formulaic Garbage
From Cracked.com: Networks and studios have figured out that the best
way to cash in on a popular movie or show is with a spinoff. What they
haven't figured out is how not to create formulaic garbage. So we asked
our readers to explain Hollywood's deeply-flawed creative process, in
three steps.
https://tinyurl.com/y88dk73x
15 Gifs That You Can Stare At Forever
Clear your schedule and prepare to stare. These 15 Gifs may calm you,
hypnotize you, and/or possibly freak... you... out!
https://tinyurl.com/y8zzacrm
[An Et-Ahem!] 24 Facts That Will Ruin Your Childhood
Someone had to ruin your childhood, but don't worry it's not me, it's
the hilarious Cracked.com. I'm just the messenger. You knew it was going
to happen sooner than later.
https://tinyurl.com/y6w6v5w3
Block Frenzy
A highly addictive online video game where you move the red block around
the screen so as not to touch the moving blocks. Warning: Very
addicting!
http://bit.ly/lXful2
Funny Chicken
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7j89Kptja0
More Funny Chickens
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68RKNJkarAM
Funny Animals
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCAYhUkKUjU
KIDS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yu8eS5ddJw
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"The American Academy of Pediatrics has suggested that
people under the age of 18 should be banned from tanning
salons. Parents that take their kids to tanning salons
should be banned from parenting." -Jimmy Fallon
"There is a new bike lock that prevents theft by releasing
a gas that makes a robber throw up if they cut the lock.
So, the good news is: Your bike wasn't stolen. The bad
news: It's covered in robber vomit." -Conan O'Brien
"A school in California is testing a new program that
forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and
grade each other's classwork. So good luck to the students
at 'Straight A's Academy!'" -Seth Meyers
"I saw a new study that says that eating over 1,500 pieces
of candy corn could actually kill you. Which shouldn't be
a problem since the current record for eating a piece of
candy corn is two." -Jimmy Fallon
"It was National Stress Awareness day today and due to the
election, plenty of people have something to be stressed
about. In fact, when asked on a scale of one to 10 how
stressed they are right now, most voters punched the
pollster in the face." -James Corden
"A skydiver uploaded a video of himself jumping out of a
plane and solving a Rubik's cube during free fall. And to
prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open
casket." -Seth Meyers
"Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke."
--Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
--Mark Twain
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
--Lily Tomlin
"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few
drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."
--Mahatma Gandhi
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have
friends in both places."
--Mark Twain
"The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change
everything - or nothing."
- Nancy Astor
"We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything."
- Thomas A. Edison
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education."
- Wilson Mizner
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat
us as equals."
--Sir Winston Churchill
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
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NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
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-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
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Home Recipes
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