Happy Columbus Day SMILES! ... :) Shangy
>Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList:
To Subscribe send a blank email to
ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
To UnSubscribe send a blank email to
ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Group home page:
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
or Web Site:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html
Group email address:
ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com
or email me here:
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
================
>-->In The 'Shangy' News :)
.-'''''-.
|'-----'|
/`-.....-`\
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| .-\-. |
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__.-` `"""-. | \ / |
..--' `"-. `)_,._ \ '-'-' /
(` )--.-"``` `"-.`'-----'`
'-----------' ( )
jgs `-------------`
Artificial Sweeteners and Other Food Substitutes:
I watched the Dr.Oz show today. It totally shocked me - so much so
that I wanted to share it with you. On the show, he said even 1
diet soda a day can cause you problems - but I see in this article
he says you should limit yourself to 2 servings a day.
Can They Cause Weight Gain? - Yes
Are They Addictive? - Yes
Could They Be Causing My Bathroom Troubles? - Yes
Are They Linked to Diabetes? - Yes
Can They Cause Cancer? - No
Artificial Sweeteners and Other Food Substitutes:
Dangerous to Your Health?
http://tinyurl.com/8v26nzt
Be sure to read all 3 pages.
-<>-
Today we have 4 new yummy recipes! I love tried and true
family recipes and these fit the bill! They come from
our friends Bunni, Edna and Robert.
Added here: Easy-Does-It Home Recipes!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/easy.html
*~* Under 'Meals' look for:
CHICKEN Enchilada Casserole By Robert
*~* Under 'Desserts' look for:
Buckeyes CANDY By Bunni
Date Nut Roll CANDY By Edna
Mother’s Marshmallow Creme FUDGE By Edna
---
...These sound absolutely delicious! Thanks Bunni, Edna And Robert!
-<>-
>2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Our first sizzler is from our friends Johanna, Linda, and
GaryM. It is one so touching, I couldn't resist doing it
up. Check it out here...
\\ /////
| |
(| _ _ |)
|` | '|
| __ |
>>>___/\_^__/\___<<<
/ ||| \
Mike Hertz
No Words Needed
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nowords.html
---
...so heartwarming! Thank You Johanna, Linda and GaryM!
Our next hottie is from my daughter Tammy. She favors
Pitt Bulls and came up with a surprising bit of American
History about this controversial breed. Check out this
one here...
.---.
___ /_____\
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jgs |_ | _|
(___|___)
^^^ ^^^
Sgt. Stubby War Dog Hero!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stubbywardog.html
---
...Wow! I loved this! What an awesome dog! Thanks TammyB!
=======================================================
>-->From TheFunnyBone: Time To Cut The Lawn .--.
/-. \
< ^ `D/
Last summer, when the power mower was \_ (
broken and wouldn't run, Jane kept )_/;.
hinting to Dick, her husband, that he _ __|_, \\
needed to get it fixed, but somehow ,(_I_______)\
the message wasn't sinking in. //`-----\ \
// \____/\
She finally thought of a // / /
clever way to make the // _____ / /\ \
point. When Dick .---n-. //'` `\/ / \ \
arrived home _____|_"_~_|___// /\ \ \ \
that day, / / \ / \ `\__...--' _\__\ \_/\
he found \\\\\\\\\\\'-\__/--===-\__/-'`,,,,,,,,(____\,,,(__/,,,,
her seated \\jgs\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
in the tall
grass, busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane
thought she had again failed to get his attention. Well, he was gone
only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a
toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the sidewalks.
=======================================================
+--------- Bizarre October Holidays ---------+
October 8 is American Tag Day
October 9 is Moldy Cheese Day
October 10 is National Angel Food Cake Day
October 11 is It's My Party Day
October 12 is International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
October 13 is National Peanut Festival
October 14 is Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day
===========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Bunni :)
_
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>SMILES
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
** **
The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
** **
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
** **
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
** **
When you go into court,
you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-<>-
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[] `===' `===' hjw
>Retirement
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on
Florida coast - The Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club
on Lake Fake-A-Hatchee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are
real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going
to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.
Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting
out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes
20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in and one hour to
return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a
quick breakfast and join the early morning 'Walk and Talk Club.' There
are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all
talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed
until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us
road kill, we go back home shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilateâs class,
followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my
Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and
sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.
Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to to partake of the many
tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a
filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to
the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a
Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start
lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 PM,
because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the
large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next
day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of
mustard, relish, ketchup, Sweet-and-Low along with mints and napkins.
At 5:30 PM we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 PM
we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom
during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over
again.
Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy
reading old magazines in subzero temperatures in the waiting room, so I
don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It
takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone
menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right
party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes
off to lunch.
Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering
provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida
has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall and they
need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged
Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers.
The hoop is only 4.5 feet from the floor.
You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a
slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we
call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves.
There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors
can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot
for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name.
Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler,
uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live? Murray's
Condos orThe Lakes Of Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned
by Murray, who happens to be a cheapskate.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can
be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida
. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa DeBary Fl .
-<>-
.
\ | /
_\|/_
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_.|.--.--.|.___.--'___`-.
.'.'|| | ||`----'"` ``'`
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.___..-'.' / \
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(.'.(___).'.)
`.__.-.__.'
jgs |_| |_|
`.`-'.'
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>A Dog's Life
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that
he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my
clean floors, barks at nothing, and growls at his food and makes
himself comfortable on my best furniture."
-<>-
>Tagging Birds
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag
migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address
of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want
to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
-<>-
_ __<;
> 7 ) h __ _.._ __
~;7 / a / / \__/ \ \ pubs open 24hrs
/> / _/ <_ > / \ < _>
~ 7 7~\_ <_\ \__/ /_> neeps,tatties an'haggis
7 \ <_\_||_/_>
/_ _ _ | `-||-'
cjr
>Scottish Lad
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the
Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said,
"A penny for your thoughts."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin'
how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long
enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?"
To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the
penny!"
-<>-
>An Old Favorite
Q: Two men are at a restroom. One is entering and the other is leaving.
what are their nationalities?
A: Simple! The first is Russian and the second is Finnish.
-<>-
---
...LOL! Good Ones! Thanks Bunni!
-<>-
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>A Lesson in Irony
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of
Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact that it is distributing
the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S.
Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the
Animals."
Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow
dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
This ends today's lesson.
---
...Hmph! Go figure! Thanks Bunni!
===========================================================
>--?From Our Friend Linda :)
|
|/ |
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.'=. (____E.' / / \ ||
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>====[] | \ |__| | O OE ||
/ |_/ | |___)| `.__j____ \|E ||
\_ | || __`.________ `. |""|\|
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|[__]| \ ||.---\\__//---. | | \____|
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| | / || || /| | |
-----| |/------------||-||-/`| |----------|
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/`.|____| || \\ `-/ '`._ j|
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>The Wooden Ball
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because
his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf
and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed
that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like
everyone else does".
---
...LOL! A classic! Thanks Linda!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend PatDeE :)
>It's PUNny - Punography
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'('('
*These are real groaners...but,
I hope you get a smile out of a couple of them! : ) *
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any
time .
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations .
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .
Energizer bunny arrested -- charged with battery .
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds .
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off !
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
Earthquake in Washington D.C. obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
---
...LOL! Oh My! Thanks PatDeE!
======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
[Politics]
>From Our Friend JoeL :)
A 13 Minute Video Every Voter Should Watch
http://tinyurl.com/9lobg8c
New Ad: “Nothing’s Free”
http://tinyurl.com/9pfp6x5
Mitt Romney: Introduction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH-aoJ7BNIM&feature=relmfu
---
...Thanks JoeL
An Et-Ahem on the left comments - they show why God had the flood!
-<>-
>From FreedomOutpost:
Obama To Designate Chavez Home As National Monument
http://tinyurl.com/8ktt9k2
-<>-
>From TeaParty.org:
Swing-state stunner: ‘Dreams’ mailed to 2.7 million
http://tinyurl.com/9u6nxsl
-<>-
>From ConservativeVideos:
Atheistic Comedian Has Harsh Words For Rioting Muslims
http://tinyurl.com/9hshfp6
-<>-
>From PatriotUpdate:
Sesame Street Created 1.47 Jobs with $1M stimulus grant
http://tinyurl.com/8kfc82k
-<>-
>From ConservativeByte:
Obama's Re-Election Case Rests on 5 Phony Claims
http://tinyurl.com/8bnd7e9
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
We have all heard the jokes about Chinese restaurants serving
cat meat instead of chicken or pork. Well, wouldn't you know
it, the joke's on us. That isn't cat. It's probably venison.
Customers at the Red Flower Chinese Restaurant in
Williamsburg, Ky., alerted authorities after they spotted
something they probably wish they hadn't: restaurant employees
wheeling road kill back to the kitchen.
The road kill was apparently a deer stuffed into a trash can.
"There was actually a blood trail they were mopping up behind
the garbage can," customer Katie Hopkins said. "There was
a tail, and like a foot and a leg sticking out of the garbage
can, and they wheeled it straight back into the kitchen."
Local health inspector Paul Lawson was called in to
investigate. Lawson said the restaurant owners told him they
didn't know they were doing anything wrong. "They said they
didn't know they weren't allowed to do that. So that makes
me concerned that maybe they could have before. They didn't
admit to doing it before." The owner said he didn't plan to
serve the deer to customers - instead he planned to use it to
feed his family.
The restaurant has been temporarily shut down but will be
eligible to reopen as soon as it passes another health
inspection and proves it has been washed and sanitized.
*-- Five days in jail for sandwich attack --*
MELBETA, Neb. - A Nebraska man accused of pushing his wife
onto a bed and rubbing a sandwich in her face has been
sentenced to five days in jail. Larry Spurling, 50, of
Melbeta pleaded no contest Monday to a charge of disturb-
ing the peace stemming from the Sunday incident and was
sentenced to five days in jail, KETV, Omaha, reported
Thursday. Spurling's wife, whose name was not reported,
told police her husband was angry at her for "making him
live in the county" and he was upset about "being bored
since there is no place for him to walk." She said he
consumed three 24-ounce cans of a malt liquor with an 8
percent alcohol content during the argument and she
eventually "got tired" of fighting and made herself a
sandwich. The woman said Spurling followed her into the
bedroom, pulled her hair, pushed her onto the bed and
rubbed the sandwich on her face.
*-- Prison wardens reprimanded over movie --*
LENINGRAD, Russia - Russian prosecutors said administrators
at a prison were reprimanded for showing female inmates
"The Next Three Days," a movie depicting a jailbreak.
Leningrad Region prosecutors released a statement saying
prison officials signed off on showing the 2010 film
despite the plot of the movie involving Russell Crowe's
character staging a jailbreak for his wife, played by
Elizabeth Banks, RIA Novosti reported Thursday. The
statement said the film "fails to promote correction of
inmates and prevention of new crimes." The prosecutors
reprimanded the prison administrators and confiscated
the movie, which the statement dubbed a "Hollywood
jailbreak manual."
*-- Professor gets naked in front of class --*
LANSING, Mich. - A Michigan State University professor who
stripped off his clothes in class was taken to a hospital
and is not being charged with a crime, the school said. The
university said police received a call just after 1 p.m.
Monday about a man shouting in the hallway of the school's
engineering building and they soon discovered the man, a
professor, had stripped all of his clothes off in front of
his calculus class, ABC News reported Tuesday. "MSU police
responded and took the man, a university professor, into
protective custody and transported him to a local
hospital," the school said. "No one was injured and the
professor is not being charged with a crime." Students
described the professor, whose name was not released, as
"eccentric."
*-- Dogs headline Calif. surf contest --*
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. - A group of four-legged friends
tried to hang 10 -- make that 20 -- in a canine surfing
contest in California. The Surf City Surf Dog event was
held in Huntington Beach, Calif., Sunday with 46
competitors riding 3- to 4-foot waves, all to raise money
for charity. During the event, organizers sought to make
the Guinness Book of World Records by getting 20 dogs to
all ride the same wave for at least five seconds, The
Orange County Register reported. Despite help from their
owners, only a few the dogs managed the feat. The rough
surf proved too tough for many of the contestants. Heather
McKenny and her pooch Sir Hollywood were among the contest-
ants. McKenny came out of the water with a sizable scratch
when Sir Hollywood got a little skittish trying to surf.
Still, she said, it was worth another try again next year.
"It's just a great way for people with dogs to have a good
time together, and with all the support of the people who
come out -- it couldn't be better," McKenny said.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Bunni :)
.-.
| \ __
( `\ / |
\ \ / |
| | `\ / /
| |\ \ /` / /
| | \ \ ./' / /
| | \ \ / _/| |
| | \ \ /' _/ | |
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\ \ /`. |`. \/' /'
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| | \ /\ These Guys Mean War!
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jgs ;: ;
>$2 Bill
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to
eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with
a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about
anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go."
At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.
He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have
anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a
shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe
and get change"
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take
big bills this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really ... tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security
on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at
me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just
for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes
in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some ...
(pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this ... a two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other
thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks over to me and...
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to
use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to
eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it
with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking
a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in
his hands, and says, Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah ...?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and
it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a
small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to
see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in
jail. You get free food there, too!
---
...LMAO! Thanks Bunni!
My granddad always gave us $2 bills for our birthday!
========================================================
>-->From Our Friend JoeL :)
-bf- `\_`-._,._-'( ,
._.-. _,\ /__`--'c_.-; .dP" ,
\`.__,',--) /' \`--._-<_, d8Bb."b, `
`-..-' /-' `/` `--' "oP""
>The Summer of 2012 was so hot...........
.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the
ground.
.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps.
.....you can make sun tea instantly.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your
car (one on each hand).
.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 A.M.
.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
out and add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.
IT'S SO DRY that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain
checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into
water!
---
...TeeHee! Thanks JoeL!
===========================================================
>--->From CleanLaffs:
,-----.
W/,-. ,-.\W
()>a a<()
(.--(_)--.)
,'/.-'\_/`-.\`.
,' / `-' \ `.
/ \ / \
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`-)| |// _ \\| )/
|| |' | `|
|| | | |
|| ( )|( )
|| | | |
|| | | |
|| |_.--.|.--._|
|| /'""| |""`\
[] `===' `===' hjw
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he
planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few
people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
-<>-
On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and
surprise her after work.
The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at
the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is
the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been
terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog
chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE
NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"
-<>-
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full
size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors
to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot
sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various
controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information
about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets
in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed
fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at
us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"
-<>-
_ _
/ \ _ _ _ / \
| | / \/ \/ \ | |
% | |I| || || |=o | %
% | | j_jj_jj_j | | % v %
V | | ||_________|| | | .:,>@<%%
>@<| ; | | | || || | | | | ~*~ | |%
*| |:X:| |I| || || | | | |*'|`\|/|| ~@~ *
,||/|`|'|_| |_||_||_| |_|,||,|/ |,||Vv,`|',v`|v hjw
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a
convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the
priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease
peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to
increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
-<>-
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job,
so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled
his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" I
asked.
A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the
morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with
it half-done."
[Reader's Digest.]
-<>-
"Bad cholesterol is the kind that clogs arteries, shoplifts
lipstick and lies under oath."
[Reader's Digest.]
-<>-
1+1=2 /\
\ c")
;-/\>
||
kOs
The current scandals over how large companies have been
cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course
I took years ago. The professor was explaining an
accounting method called First In Last Out, which is
useful for industries that accumulate large inventories
of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example,
reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil
shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had
to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the
1930's at 20˘ a barrel. They of course sold it at current
market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.
One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me,
sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class,
son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."
-<>-
Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The
following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn
Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
-<>-
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury
had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you
possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
-<>-
_____
.'.---.'.
// , \\
|| `| ||
|| | ||
|| -'- ||
.-"`'-.,_ _,.-'`"-.
/ .'--,___`"""`___,--'. \
| /:////_'---'_\\\\:\ |
\|:|// `_ _` \\|:|/
'-/| (6/ \6) |\-'
\\ | | //
`| (._.) |`
| _ _ |
jgs \ '---' /
'--.___.--'
"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we
learned about today," said a teacher.
One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."
========================================================
>-->From TheMouth:
|
|
| _ |
| <_> |
| |
| |
`-._ |
|`-._|
|
|
_________________________________|____
`-._ `-._ |
`-._ `-._ |
kat `-._ `-._
>Sport Gaffes
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president
is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
-- Harry Carpenter (BBC TV, University Boat Race 1977)
"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey."
-- Brian Johnston (as Michael Holding faced Peter Willey)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening
his legs and showing his class."
-- David Coleman
"We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta
Waitz is 80 seconds behind."
-- David Coleman
"On another night, they'd have won 2-2."
--Ron Atkinson (commenting on a Valencia-Livverpool Match)
"He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run
in 64 seconds and the one before in 62."
-- David Coleman
"That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast
as the world record."
-- David Coleman
"And Britain defeats the rest of the world to pick up the
bronze medal."
-- Unknown
"The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped
the whirlwind."
-- Sebastian Coe
-<>-
__
.-'||'-.
.' || '.
/ __||__ \
| /`- -`\ |
| | 6 6 | |
\/\____7___/\/
.--------:\:I:II:I:/;--------.
/ \`:I::I:`/ \
| `------' |
| \____/ |
| , __ ___ , |
|======| / | / _ \ |======|
|======| ^| | | | | | |======|
|~~~~~| | | | |_| | |~~~~~|
| |\ [___] \___/ /| |
\ \| |/ /
`\ \ _ _.-=""=-._ _ / /'
`\ '`_)\\-++++-//(_`' /'
jgs ; (__|| ||__) ;
; ___\ /___ ;
'. ---/-=..=-\--- .'
`""` `""`
>The Top 5 Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids
5. For the first time in his long career,
Krcyszewslovisowsky's name fits on his uniform.
4. He body-checks the other players and warns them to
stay away or face his violent wrath... at the first tee.
3. She leads her coed softball league in home runs, RBI
and sperm count.
2. After kicking the winning goal she still rips off her
shirt, but now she also turns green and flips over the
opposing team's bus.
1. "... and starting at nose tackle for the NY Giants...
Brian Boitano!"
(Courtesty of Topfive.com)
-<>-
__,,,__
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/,-' , .-'-.7.-'-. , '-,\
\( / _ _ \ )/
'-, { (0) (0) } ,-'
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|/ .-' \___/ '-. \|
{, / ,_ _, \ ,}
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_.-""""""-._ _.-""""""-._
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_/_ _ \
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/ | | | ;
| / |_| |
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'. ; | | / \| || || _| _ ;
`-\ | |_ | | || |/ /| _| .' `,
`\ |___|\___/ \__/ |___| | \
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jgs `\ | | | /` _/
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/ `\.' `\ \___/ /` './` \
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\ ; } ;\ /; ` { ; /
`;\ \ _.-' \ / `-._ / /;`
\ \__.' _.-' Y `-._ '.__//
'.___,.-' `-.,___.'
>** Top Ten Signs That You're Not Romantic **
10. You ask the waiter for a seat near the kitchen so it
minimizes the time it takes for your food to arrive.
9. She doesn't like the "I'm The Property of Jason" t-shirt
you got her for your anniversary.
8. You take your date out for dinner that consists of a
coupon for free nachos and half price on drinks.
7. Her candlelight dinners really irritate you 'cause it's
so hard to read the sport's page while eating.
6. You apologize with a dozen dandelions.
5. After a romantic dinner, you offer to do the dishes by
letting the dog lick the plates.
4. You consider pig latin the "language of love".
3. Some say it with flowers, you say it with sparkplugs.
2. When your boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed,
you said, "Shhh!... talk to me during the commercial."
1. "I thought cubic zirconium looked prettier than real
diamonds."
-<>-
__________ |
_ __ _ | | |
/_\ / \ /_\ | | |
=|= | // | =|= | | |
! \__/ ! | | |
_ | | |
___ ___ //' | | |
[___] _ :=| |=: __T_||_T__ |p= | |
| ~| =)_)= | | [__________] | | |
| | (_( |xXx| \_ _/ | | |
| | )_) """"" \ / | | |
\___| | | | | |
| `========, | | | | |
__`. .'_________________| |________|__________lc_|
`. .' (____) \
_| |_... .;;;;;;;;. \
(________);;;; :;;;;;;;;;;:
:::::::' '::::::::'
>How to Bathe a Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids you may need to stand on the lid so that
he cannot escape).
CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as
his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can
find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite
effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly
lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run
outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Fall, Ghost And Halloween Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_f-j.html
Monster Animations
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_k-o.html
Vampires, Witches, Wolves, Words: Hal(loween)
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html
20/10 Principle!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/giving.html
Here's Your Frog!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/frog.html
Real Eagle Story!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/eagle.html
Egg Stacking Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eggart.html
Rock Balancing Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rockbalancingart.html
Horse Costumes!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/horsecostumes.html
Parenting No-No's!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/parenting3.html
Tricks For Treats!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tricksfortreats.html
Tricks For Treats 2!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tricksfortreats2.html
World's Largest Rodent!
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/caplin.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend JoeL :)
U2 - With Or Without You (Live Concert - Exceptional) - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF35EqcVooQ&feature=related
U2: Beautiful Day - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V8nu6e8eFY
The Police - Synchronicity (1983) Full Album [Not Available
in Germany] - YouTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljbejW-Id6s
The Police - Murder By Numbers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug-qQ6fXevo
---
...Good Ones! Thanks JoeL!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Wesley :)
ripped : world record skydive
http://tinyurl.com/9qt4fnb
ripped : test your face-name memory
http://experiments.wustl.edu/
---
...Interesting! Thanks Wesley!
==============================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the
belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the
true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places
on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-
tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz
"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread
to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,
and we will become a primitive society where we all run
around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." - Anonymous woman
"The method preferred by most balding men for making them-
selves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when
the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long
and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that
looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large
tropical spider." --Dave Barry
"'Muesli' is not a word we use in America. When we sweep up
after we have been doing woodwork and put it in a bag with
mixed nuts and a little birdseed, and pretend it's a health-
ful breakfast, we call it granola."
--Bill Bryson in I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF
WOODROW CALL: ...and if that ain't bad enough you got all
them Greek words on there, too.
GUS McCRAE: I told you, Woodrow, a long time ago, it ain't
Greek, it's Latin.
WOODROW CALL: Well what does it say in Latin? For all you
know it invites people to rob us.
GUS McCRAE: Well, the first man comes along that can read
Latin is welcome to rob us, far as I'm concerned. I'd
like a chance t' shoot at a educated man once in my life.
--Tommy Lee Jones and Robert Duvall in LONESOME DOVE
"We delivered our child via natural childbirth, the pro-
cedure invented by a man named Lamaze--the Marquis de Lamaze.
Lamaze expects the husband--me--to be there, so that I can
witness this festivity. I did not want to be there. This was
remarkably painful for my wife. There was nothing my presence
could really do to relieve her pain. In other words, I didn't
see why my evening should be ruined too." --Dennis Wolfberg
"Scrapie is another excellent word. Scrapie clearly couldn't
mean anything but a disease. Though, on reflection, it might
be a Scottish cut, as in, 'e fell down and got a wee scrapie
on his knee." --Bill Bryson
"There was one embarrassing moment when someone online
said to the president, 'I'd like to meet you sometime
and tell you some of my ideas.' It was Joe Biden."
- Jay Leno
"In the end, everything is a gag."
- Charlie Chaplin
"Many people are complaining that Obama is becoming too
scripted. Last night he was having an intimate moment with
Michelle and she said, 'Wait a minute — are you reading from a
teleprompter?'"
- Jimmy Fallon
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San
Francisco."
- Mark Twain
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all
of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all
of the people all of the time."
- Abraham Lincoln
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN
HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Chriistian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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