Happy Early St. Patrick's Day! :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. If every one would chip in $25 or more, we'd be good for the whole year! So Please - I need your help today! "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, the easiest way to do that is through online giving. It is easy to use, and most of all, it is secure. Please visit the site, scroll down and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL form page comes up. NOTE: Paypal will generate a 'Quantity 1' and 'Price per item' form. Just ignore the price per item and put whatever it is you desire to give in there. With Paypal, you will have your normal receipt for your 'payment' donation in USD (United States Dollars). You can put a memo in there if you'd like. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ _ _ _____ ____ ____ _ _ ( ) ( ) ( _ ) ( _ \ ( _ \ ( ) ( ) | |_| | | (_) | | |_) )| |_) ) \ \_/ / | _ | | _ | | ,__/ | __/ \ / | | | | | | | | | | | | | | (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) ____ _____ ____ _____ _____ ____ _ ___ _ _ _ ____ ( _ \(_ _) ( _ \ ( _ )(_ _)( _ \ ( ) / _ \ ( ) ( )( )( _ \ | (_(_) | | | |_) )| (_) | | | | (_) )| || ( (_)| |/ / |/ | (_(_) _\__ \ | | | __/ | _ | | | | / | || | _ | , < ' _\__ \ ( )__) | | | _ | | | | | | | | | |\ \ | || (_( )| |\ \ ( )__) | \_____) (_)(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)(_) \___/ (_) (_) \_____) ____ _____ _ _ __ ( _ \ ( _ )( ) ( ) ( ) | | \ \ | (_) | \ \_/ / | / | | ) )| _ | \ / |/ | |_/ / | | | | | | _ (____/ (_) (_) (_) (_) .-----. ()() / \ .'() |__...__|/ |_....._| .-' ___ '-. \_.-`. .`-._/ __ .--. _ (|\ (_) /|) .-;.-"-.-;`_;-, ( \_=_/ ) .(_( `)-;___),-;_), _(_ _)_ (.( `\.-._)-.( ). ) /` ||'-'|| `\ ,(_`'--;.__\ _).;--'`_) _ /_/ (_>o<_) \_\ // )`--..__ ``` _( o )'(';,)\_//| || : || |\\ \;' ````` `\\ '.\\--' |`"""""""`|// / ':.___// \___,___/\_( | '---'| |__|__| ; ; ;""|""; \ / [] | [] '. .' .' / \ '. jgs'-,.__ __.,-' `--' `--' (___/`````````\___) ~*~ May You Have A Most SAFE And Blessed St. Patrick's Day! St. Pat's Day/Spring Index! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/springindex.html -<>- >-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our flaming hot new page is from my daughter Tammy and our friend Geniann. They say this is the most popular petrified park in the world, yet I had never heard of it before and it is right here in America! Go figure. It is pretty awesome as instead of wood that is hard as stone, it actually has stone inside the wood! Not just any stone, but beautiful, rainbow shimmering in the sunlight, quartz stone! Be sure to check this out here... _ |.| _ |~| jgs \\/ ._\//_/__/ ,\_//__\\/. \_//__/_ Amazing Petrified Forest http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/petrifiedforest.html --- ...Wow! So Stunning! Thanks Ladies! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: |\ ___ | ) / '-. ||.+ L (__ \ || '-.\ ___)a \__ \ || `-. /.__ J__//--. |J `-. |_ '-._ \ _.------. | L ` L__. _/`----.____ / b a (__c> |J \ __,-_____ __._>\__/ ( c " h\ L L \ ./--+///___)_.--' /\ -. \ d e f g / J J | \\__// `--(_.( `--.....-' | \ J )_ _,- \__ \ `--' L | L ` )-)_/ \_._..--''-..) J | | \ [_._._,.. _] | | | ,,' _/ ( __ | _ | J ,' \ _________ / \ \ | _______a:f____ | J_.L_.' \ / _\_/\ ( L | \ / _| / \_ F J J ( (_ L `-. / L \ \__. `. \__ \ / J ^ \ ) \____ \ / L .---.-)_ _/ ) \ /_ | ( `-' \__/. L__\_\ | `-.__.--.___) --- / (_/ J |_ ( .-' --- `---' She burst into the office and shouted. "Doctor, I can't stand it! You've got to tell me what's wrong!" He slowly surveyed her from head to toe and said, "Well, young lady, I do have three things to tell you." "First, you need to lose about fifty pounds." "Second, you'd look a lot better if you used about one-tenth the blush and lipstick." "Third, I'm an artist. The doctor is on the next floor." -<>- Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium. This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ March 15 is Buzzards Day, Dumbstruck Day, Everything You Think is Wrong Day and Ides of March March 16 is Everything You Do is Right Day, Freedom of Information Day, Giant Panda Bear Day and Tea for Two Tuesday March 17 is Corned Beef and Cabbage Day, Submarine Day and Saint Patrick's Day March 18 is Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Awkward Moments Day, Goddess of Fertility Day and Supreme Sacrifice Day March 19 is Poultry Day March 20 is Extraterrestrial Abductions Day, International Day of Happiness, International Earth Day, International Sports Car Racing Day, National Quilting Day, Proposal Day, Spring (Vernal) Equinox and World Sparrow Day March 21 is Credit Card Reduction Day, Fragrance Day and World Poetry Day ======================================================= >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: '\ ____' \ {) \ | \@ (_/ Rats! __) | `\/| (___-_) __| * * //| | (/ )/ -~-~-~-~-~-~"""""""""*""""""*"" ~-~-~-~""ejm97""""")/"""""(/"" Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?" "Okay. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." -<>- One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him." -<>- Interviewer: You're asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience. Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don't know what I'm doing. -<>- A little boy was visiting a Historic Village with his mom. "Mommy, Mommy!" he cried, "I just saw a man making a horse!" "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," said the tot. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on the feet." -<>- A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!" -<>- _ / ) |||| / / ||||/ / \__(_/ ||// ||/ || (|| hjw "" A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?" Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids - it's three bucks a pound!'" ========================================================= __, ,___) _____) _____ ,_) ,_) ______) (--|__| _, _ _ (--(__-|- (--|__)_-|-,_' _ |_/ ', (--| \ _, _| |(_||_)|_)(_| ____)|. _| (_|| | |(_ | \ /_) _|__/(_|(_| ( | | ,_| ( ( \_, ( ,_| >-->SMILES For St.Patrick's Day :) ________ .##@@&&&@@##. ,##@&::%&&%%::&@##. #@&:%%000000000%%:&@# #@&:%00' '00%:&@# #@&:%0' '0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# "" ' " " ' "" _oOoOoOo_ .-.-. (oOoOoOoOo) ( : ) )`"""""`( .-.`. .'.-. / \ (_ '.Y.' _) | # | ( .'|'. ) \ / '-' | '-' jgs `=========` Q: Why did the leprechaun climb over the rainbow? A: To get to the other side! Q: Why do leprechauns love to garden? A: They have green thumbs! Q: How can you spot a jealous shamrock? A: It will be green with envy! Q: Why shouldn’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they’re always a little short. /\ _ / \ / \ | _ \ / \ _ | / \ \ / \ / \ |/ \ \ | / \ / \ | | /\ / \ \ /| \| ~ ~ |/ \/ \ \ _______/_|_______\(o)(o)/___/\___|_ \ / / | (______) \ | \ \_ / / | / \ | \ / / | / \| \ / / | / \ \ / _/ | / |\ \ / _| | |_\ \_ _/ | \ | \ | \_ _| ~tahl~ Q: What do you call a big Irish spider? A: Paddy long legs! Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? A: Sure, they’re great at shorthand! Q: Why do leprechauns prefer dollar bills to coins? A: Because they’re green! Q: Why did the leprechaun turn down a bowl of soup? A: Because he already had a pot of gold! @@ .##@@::;%%&&00' @><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 o o 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ '88'=='88' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \__'8888'__________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@@::;%%&&00' / >< \ .###@@::;%%&&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | | ___LI)||(LI___ | | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ / `-----''-----` '.___________.' Q: When does a leprechaun cross the road? A: When it turns green! Q: Why did the leprechaun walk out of the house? A: He wanted to sit on the Paddy O’! Q: Why do leprechauns hate running? A: They’d rather jig than jog! Q: Why are so many leprechauns florists? A: They have green thumbs! __...._ .-"` `\ / | | | \ | \ __...--'| \.-' |_..-, __\___...---'`_..-' (_______....--'\ / `\ (o \__ | | __) _ _ \ /`\ \ | (_Y_) _ '-.\_,| | T-._/ (_A_) _../`'T T-'` | | \__ _| .' | | | | \___ | /_\`\ / | | | | \ `/-`\ --| | \ | | | | /`----' |--' \ `\ \_; |`-.......-` .-.-'. \_LI ; / / /`-._ |`-\ \ jgs _/_/ / | \ \ ( ( ;.__ / \__,\__ `"`""` `""""` `.__._`; Q: What did the leprechaun say when the video game ended? A: Game clover! Q: Why do leprechauns recycle? A: They like to go green! Q: What’s a leprechaun’s favorite cereal? A: Lucky Charms! Q: How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke? A: He’s Dublin over with laughter! ,-'~~~~-. .-~~~~`-. .' \ / `. ,-'` \ / `-. / , `\/ .' \ ( `\ || /~ ) ~. `\ || /` .~ `~~._____ `\ || /` ____.~~` ___!!!GOOD>- >Now You Are Ready For... an Irish Quiz .-"^`\ /`^"-. .' ___\ /___ `. / /.---. O .---.\ \ | // '-. _o/0\o_ .-' \\ | | ;| \ (0\|W|/0) / |; | \ || |\_) \~_~_~/ (_/| || / \ | \ . \ ; .-.^.-. ; / . / | / '\_\ \\ \ \ \ / ' \ / / / // /_/' \\ \ \ \ \ / / / / // jgs `'-\_\_\ \ / /_/_/-'` ` '. .' ` ` __, ,__) __,__) ,__) ____, __, ,__) .--. (--|__| _ (--| ,_ ' , |_ (--/_| ,_ _ (--\ | _ ) __| |(_)(_|_) __|__ | |/_)| | / | | (/_ \_|(_)(_| .-' ( ( |_, / (___| | . .-.-. ( : ) ~|~|_~(_~~|~ \|/~\| ||~) ~|~ /~\ ( IRISH .-.\ ' /.-. | |_ ,_) | |\_/\_/|~\ _|_.\_X. QUOTIENT ) (_.. 'Y' .._) ( /|\ ) jgs '-' | '-' .-. (_" \ 1. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? / `\ \ ^ ) ) 2. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? ( ( .:. ) ) 3. _oOoOo Where does ( ( [_||||| green beer \ \ ||||| come from? `\| ~~~~~ 4. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? 5. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 6. What's Irish and stays out all night? _oOoOoOo_ (oOoOoOoOo) 7. How did the Irish jig get started? )`"""""`( / \ 8. Why do leprechauns have pots o' gold? | G O L D | \ / 9. What's an Irish windbreaker? `=========` 10. On St. Patrick's Day, while people are searching for tiny, little leprechauns, what are leprechauns searching for? @@ .##@@::;%%&&00' @><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 6 6 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 888'=='888' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \_'888888'_________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@Oo@o%&&00' / >< \ .##oO@Oo@O@o&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | Happy | ___LI)||(LI___ | St. Patrick's | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ Day! / `-----''-----` '.___________.' The ANSWERS: 1. He couldn't afford plane fare. 2. Real rocks would look funny. 3. Who cares? As long as it keeps coming! 4. He's Dublin over with laughter. 5. They're always a little short. 6. Pati O'Furniture! 7. Lots of beer and too few restrooms! 8. They like to "go" first class. 9. Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage! 10. Tiny, little women! -= Give yourself a point for each right answer, and put an "O" in front of your name! =- ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) _ _ (_(_) /(_) (-----. |= | _|=____|_ (_________) 8" "8 (8 6 6 8) 8 7 8 88-=###, _ jgs "888"`##,|#| `###' >SMILES: The pub debate: "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's .... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs... all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." ---------- Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee." ---------- Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that darn gun...' ---------- One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied John, "you just cook better now." ---------- A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." ---------- One woman was talking to her friend. "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always badmouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude!" "Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?" ---------- A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you . . . " ---------- This guy wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale." ---------- While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished mopping the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained." ----------- After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car? ---------- A man came home from the doctor's office with some bad news. He told his wife that he only had 12 hours to live. "That is horrible!" exclaimed his loving wife. "What will we do?" "Well, I have been thinking about that," responded the man. "Let's go out to eat at a real nice place, catch a show, go dancing and then make love all night long." "That is easy for you to say," replied his wife. "YOU don't have to get up in the morning!" --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- .-"""""-. \ / |.-----.| __|_______|___ '--;-'```'-;--' / / 6_6 \ \ ( ( _) ) ) ( ( .__. ) ) ( `._`-'_.' ) /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ | /___```___\ | \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ /..,_______,..\ / /\ \ | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ ( /\ LI\ `.___,-'` \ | '.__/ >Power of the Proofreader TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. Did I read that sign right? **** In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT **** In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS. **** In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. **** In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. **** Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? **** Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS **** Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. I sure hope so **** Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. **** Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. **** Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS **** On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? **** Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. **** Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya' think? **** Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! **** Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! **** Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! **** Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works better than a fair trial! **** War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! **** If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya' think? **** Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! **** Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! **** Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? **** Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! **** New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough? **** Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! **** Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? **** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! **** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! **** And the winner is: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead --- ...Oh My! HaHaHa! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From HandyHints: , .--'|} _ , / /}} -====;o`\/ } .=\.--'`\} \-'\-'----. //` '---./` \ |-..-'` || /| /\/\ \\| | `--` |\_\\/ \__/\\ \\ jgs \| Daylight saving time officially started this weekend on Sunday, March 14. While your phones and computers will automatically "spring forward" one hour, you'll still have to check your ovens, microwaves, and most importantly, your smoke detectors... at least according to safety experts. The two times a year we change our clocks also serve as a valuable reminder to change the batteries in our fire alarms. Only 57% of Americans have followed this practice and done so in the past six months, according to a survey of more 1,000 people conducted by ServiceMaster Restore. When you go around your house on Sunday, you'll want to replace the batteries in each detector. Bonus: Doing it now will also prevent the purposefully annoying "chirping" reminder later on. * Moving the clock forward one hour in the spring doesn't just affect your schedule - it can throw off your body's internal clock, too. That hour of lost sleep can leave you feeling groggy and irritable. It can also be dangerous. Studies have found that both heart attacks and fatal car accidents increase after the spring shift to Daylight Saving Time. To help your body adjust to the time change try a few simple tips: Start getting used to the change. Over the next few days go to bed 30 minutes earlier than your usual bedtime. Your body needs that bit of extra time to make up for the lost hour. Avoid coffee and alcohol. Put down coffee and caffeinated beverages four to six hours before bedtime. Alcohol also prohibits you from getting quality sleep, so avoid it late at night. Put your phone, computer or tablet away. Turn off the television and pick up a book. Electronics' high-intensity light stimulates your brain and hinders melatonin, a hormone that triggers sleepiness. z z Z .--. Z Z / _(c\ .-. __ | / / '-; \'-'` `\______ \_\/'/ __/ ) / ) | \--, | \`""`__-/ .'--/ /--------\ \ \\` ///-\/ / /---;-. '-' jgs (________\ \ '-' * Speaking of sleeping Fluff feather pillows. Yes, feather pillows can get washed and dried in the machine. Load two pillows at a time for balance and use only a very small amount of detergent. Wash them on a delicate cycle with an extra rinse, then tumble dry on low with several clean tennis balls to poof them back up. BAM...pillows are back to basically new with a fresh smell. -<>- * Clean the Exhaust Fan If the grille on your bathroom exhaust fan is clogged with dust, try a trick thats faster and more effective than vacuuming. Here's how to clean a bathroom fan: Turn on the fan and blast out the dust with canned air. The fan will blow the dust outside. This works on the return air grilles of your central heating/cooling system too. Run the system so that the return airflow will carry the dust to the filter. You'll find canned air at home centers and hardware stores, usually in the electrical supplies aisle. Caution: The cans contain chemical propellants, not just air. Don't let children play with them. * Don't be afraid of a good beating Vacuum large area rugs at least once a week. But also take them outside three or four times a year for a more thorough cleaning and for how to clean dust. Drape them over a fence or clothesline and beat them with a broom or tennis racket. A good beating removes much more dust than vacuuming. Take smaller rugs outside to for a vigorous shaking every week. * Borrow, don't buy Before any big purchase, think: How often will I really use this ladder/leaf blower/wheelbarrow? If the answer is "not a lot," it's so easy to borrow stuff (especially if you like making thank you cookies). If your social network is lacking in the products you require, there are plenty of websites, like Freecycle, that help people borrow, rent, or just take whatever they might need. This is some next-level human generosity, and its a beautiful thing to behold. -<>- Have you ever blown cash to buy chemical fertilizer for your garden or your house plants? Of course you have. However, you can save yourself the cash, save yourself the chemicals and save a little fresh water, not to mention the perfect fertilizer, from being poured down the drain. Where does this great, natural fertilizer come from? * Save when you boil A lot of water that goes down the drain can be used to water plants. Water that you use to steam vegetables, cook potatoes, corn or boil eggs can be reused to water your plants. All of those nutrients leeched from your veggies go right back into the soil. The plants love it! Just make sure you're not boiling or steaming with salt water or you'll kill your plants. Also, when you clean out your aquarium you can use that water to water your plants. Great for the soil. .-~-. .' '. / \ .-~-. : ; .' '.| | / \ : : ; .-~""~-,/ | /` `'. : | \ \ | / `. .' \ .' jgs `~~~` '-.____.-' * Finding the Fresh Eggs You know you've been there. You bought too much food for your pantry but failed to cook it in time. Now, you are unsure whether the eggs in your refrigerator are still fresh or not. Well, here is an easy way to test the freshness of eggs by using saltwater. In a bowl, mix two tablespoons of salt and a cup of water. Then, pop your eggs in. If the egg sinks, then it is fresh. If it floats, better skip that egg. ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: Watters’ World – 3/13/21 | Fox News https://one-news.net/watters%E2%80%99-world-%E2%80%93-31321-fox-news/ NY Legislature Pushes More Rich People Out of State By Proposing $7 Billion in New Taxes / Pelosi Blames Biden’s Border Crisis on Trump / Military Stops Gender Neutral Fitness Test Because Females Fail / Chicoms End Lockdown and Economy Grows 8% / Police Investigate Dad Who Asked Catholic School to Remove Gay Pride Flag / Cuomo Staff Are Now Refusing to Show Up to Work: They Believe His Accusers / The New Racism in Agriculture: Black Farmers Get Relief, but Not White Farmers / France, Germany and Italy Pause Using AstraZeneca COVID Vaccine Over Safety Concerns https://reliablenewsnow.com/ Latest From Deep State Journal: https://deepstatejournal.com/ Latest From 2020 Conservative: http://2020conservative.com/ Latest From Independent Minute: https://independentminute.com/ Latest From TPN News: https://threepercenternation.com/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Students For Life https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6 Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: FSIS Public Health Alert, Soup Products http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: Restricting Unvaccinated People From Offices, Travel Gains Support http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2 -<>- >From BizarreNews: A Greek student whose flights home from Scotland were repeatedly canceled due to COVID-19 decided to make his own way home with a 48-day bike ride. Kleon Papadimitriou, 20, a student at the University of Aberdeen, said he attempted to book flights home to Athens three times in late March, but each flight was canceled due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. Papadimitriou said he did some research into what he would need to do to the make the 2,175-mile trip home via bicycle, and after consulting with friends and his family he decided to buy a bike and take on the challenge. The student, who set up an app and Instagram account to allow his supporters to track his progress, said he packed bread and canned goods and set off on his journey. He said he rode 35 to 75 miles per day while passing through England, the Netherlands, Germany, Austria and Italy. Papadimitriou took a boat from the east coast of Italy to the Greek port of Patras, where he got back on his bike and rode the rest of the way to his Athens neighborhood. "It's just now dawning on me how big of an achievement this was," Papadimitriou told CNN. "And I did learn a lot of things about myself, about my limits, about my strengths and my weaknesses. And I'd say I really hope that the trip inspired at least one more person to go out of their comfort zone and try something new, something big." -<>- A Minnesota police department confirmed officers are now using drones to catch people going nude or topless at an area beach. The Golden Valley Police Department confirmed officers working with Minneapolis Parks Police used a drone to catch beachgoers in the act of going partially or fully nude at Twin Lake, after numerous complaints. "It had reached the point where it was time for people to be held accountable for their actions," Golden Valley Police Sgt. Randy Mahlen said. Witnesses said they spotted the drone in the sky shortly before police arrived and took information from then- clothed beach visitors for potential citations. "What it did was validate all of these complaints we've been getting from residents," Mahlen said. "It would be no different than a surveillance camera in a public place for a high-crime area." Kristian Calbert, a beachgoer who was cited for topless sunbathing, said she was unaware that the beach was a part of the Minneapolis Park System. She said there are no signs posted at the beach that mention the park system or rules against nudity. The Minneapolis Park and Recreation Board is currently considering a proposal to get rid of the ordinance that bars women from going topless at beaches that are part of the park system. A final vote is expected in August. -<>- Apparently there is a company you can hire to send annoying packages to people anonymously. Nothing outright dangerous, but distracting, humiliating and insulting. Things like so-called 'glitter bombs' and fake poop. The company clearly caters to cowards who don't have the guts to send fake poop to their enemies themselves. Well, one victim of these tasteless pranks decided to bring the law into his mail order feud. A New Jersey man has filed suit against a prank company based in New York, alleging they mailed him a chocolate p%nis, a glitter bomb and other packages meant to shock, offend and frighten him. Nicholas Carretta, 47, of Oakland, claims in court papers that the company sent him "multiple unsolicited, obscene and harmful packages" over the course of 18 months. Starting as far back as 2019 Carretta has received a chocolate p%nis, a spring-loaded glitter bomb that blew up in his face, and a packaged addressed to "Fat Midget" that contained chocolate imitation feces, the lawsuit states. The lawsuit alleges assault, battery, infliction of emotional distress, negligence and conspiracy. Carretta is seeking damages of $75,000, along with court fees and post- judgment interest. *- This is what happens when you pay for your son's law degree -* A 41-year-old man in Great Britain is suing his parents in a bid to force them to pay him "maintenance" for life. Despite being a trained lawyer and having a degree from Oxford University, Faiz Siddiqui claims he is completely dependent on his wealthy parents. For 20 years his Dubai- based parents have let him live rent-free in a $1 million flat they own near London's Hyde Park. They also helped to cover other bills. But now that his parents want to cut him off, Siddiqui claims that his upbringing has made him "vulnerable" and that cutting him off financially would be a violation of his human rights. A case against his parents was rejected last year by a top family court judge. It has now gone to the Court of Appeal. *--- Homeowners find honey leaking through walls ---* A Pennsylvania family who found a mysterious sticky substance dripping from their walls discovered the thick liquid was honey and their walls were full of bees. Andrea Isabell said she and her husband first noticed the dark spots on the walls of their home after Tropical Storm Fay passed through the area. Isabell said they initially thought the spots were water damage from the storm, but they soon discovered the dark spots were honey leaking through the walls. "My husband felt this really sticky, syrupy stuff. We were brave and smelled it. He said, 'This is honey. This is honey pouring down our walls,'" Isabell said. The family enlisted the help of Allan Lattanzi, "The Bee Man" of Yerkes Honey Farms in Collegeville to help extract the bees. "The bees become my girls," Lattanzi said. "I will take them home and they will become a honey producer for me. I will make a colony." *--- 35-year-old video game sells for $114,000 ---* A sealed copy of 1985 video game Super Mario Bros. set a new world record when it was auctioned for $114,000 -- the highest price ever paid for a video game. Heritage Auctions said the copy of the Nintendo Entertainment System game was considered especially rare because it was part of a short production run with a cardboard hang-tab underneath the plastic, a feature found shortly after Nintendo started using shrink-wrap instead of stickers to steal boxes. "The demand for this game was extremely high, and if any lot in the sale could hit a number like that, it was going to be this one," Heritage Auctions Video Games Director Valarie McLeckie said. Heritage said the winning bid of $114,000 set a new record for the sale of a video game, which was previously set by another copy of the same game that sold for $100,150 in February 2019. *--- Man sits in bean dip for 24 hours ---* A California stuntman spent 24 hours sitting in a pool of bean dip to promote a Los Angeles-area restaurant. Hunter Ray Barker said he climbed into the wading pool filled with bean dip outside Los Toros Mexican Restaurant in Chatsworth at 3 p.m. Monday because he wanted to support the restaurant, which he described as one of his favorites for years. Baker's 24-hour tenure in the pool coincided with a block party at the eatery, which featured the stuntman receiving a tattoo of the restaurant's logo while sitting in the dip. "Obviously, a stunt like this is ridiculous -- it's absurd, it's wild, but as with any stunt, I'm always in favor of something that edges on the side of absurdity if it can celebrate and at least make a couple of people laugh," Barker said before climbing into the bean dip. "If we can get more attention and turn a few more people into lifelong customers, that's what I love about it, too." *--- Teens Wearing Masks to Score Booze ---* Teenagers have been turning mask mandates to their advantage. According to several reports, today's teens have been putting on masks and donning disguises to look like grandma and grandpa in order to buy alcohol. Adults caught on to this ingenious grift of wearing a face mask, and painting on wrinkles, and putting on baggy sweaters and old lady wigs after some teens posted videos of them doing the heist on TikTok. However - likely because of the outsized attention to the hilarious prank - many of those videos have since been deleted or the accounts that posted them have gone private, probably because what they did is technically a crime. The New York Post first broke the story a few days ago after one of the videos of a blonde teen drawing on wrinkles with makeup got 1.5 million views on TikTok. The teen enters a liquor store using a walker and wearing what can only be described as "old people clothes," and walking out with a bag of alcohol. *--- Money well spent ---* A California man was arrested and ordered held without bond for fraudulently obtaining some $9 million in coronavirus relief funds and using some of the money to gamble in Las Vegas. Andrew Marnell, 40, a resident of the Beverly Grove neighborhood of Los Angeles, allegedly submitted a number of fraudulent loan applications in relation to the coronavirus pandemic and obtained millions in Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) funds. Prosecutors say he used some of the money to make risky stock market bets, and squandered hundreds of thousands of dollars at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino and other gambling establishments in Las Vegas as recently as last weekend. Authorities said Marnell faces up to 30 years in prison on the bank fraud charge. *--- Brewery catapults keg to new World Record ---* A California brewery broke a Guinness World Record when they used a catapult to launch a keg a distance of 438 feet. The Sierra Nevada Brewing Company said it took on the Guinness record for the farthest distance thrown by a trebuchet, a type of catapult that features an extra long arm, and they selected a "Big Little Thing" keg to comply with the record's requirement that the projectile weigh at least 44 pounds. "They are not full of any beer," said Terance Sullivan, brand manager and official lever-puller for the trebuchet, said. "We didn't want to sacrifice any beer. Beer is for drinking so we loaded them up with water." Officials said the company wanted to do something big to celebrate the release of the Big Little Thing IPA. "When we launch a beer we have live sampling or bring the beer to music festivals and other events," Sierra Nevada communications director Robin Gregory said. "But obviously with COVID, we can't do that." The third launch with the trebuchet launched a keg a distance of 438 feet, enough to beat the previous record of 253 feet. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) ."``"._.""-. .' _-._.-_`\ _.-| (\).--(\)< --'` ` .="""=-.'. _ '-. | _ '._ .--.-. \__.-(/'./| , '-/ (O \O) \,_ '-. V`'-._/( , < `;--'..__ V'-.__.-|\-..__/ jgs ' '---'-..(/.-..__.-V >Florida woman stops Alligator Attack.... Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words: Always be prepared !!! "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages (north of Orlando) with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible." --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks Geniann! ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: ,,,,, /((())\ \(((()/ (| _ _ | /( - ) (((\_~_/ ))).' '.__ /`\ ___ /`\ | /` `\ | | \___,___/ | | |\ /| | | | ) ( | | >State Capitals A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." Her friend asks, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'." -<>- >Social Snakes Two snakes are talking about the social airs being put on by an old acquaintance. "Just think," says one, "I knew her back when she didn't have a pit to hiss in." -<>- >You Lie, You Die There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself, "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself, "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself, "I think...", and dropped dead. -<>- >Q and A Quickies .-. _,,,,,_ .-. ( , ' : : ' , ) / : : \ ; 0.---.0 ; \ / _ \ / \ | (_) | / ." `\ -'- /` ". / `"""""` \ / .' .-== '. \ / / .-=='\ \ ( / \ ) '-;`. .';-' jgs /_ `-.______ .-` __\ /` `\ / `\ / `\ \ | / \ | / `'--'` `'--'` Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? A: No thanks, I'm stuffed! Q: What drink do balloons hate? A: Pop! Q: How do you know a man from Oklahoma is married? A: There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of the truck. Q: Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield? A: There are too many ears! Q: Where did the king keep his armies? A: Up his sleevies. Q: Why are Venetian blinds the greatest invention in the history of mankind? A: If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would have been curtains for all of us. Q: Where does a judge eat lunch? A: At the food court. Q: Why isn't your nose 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot! ,_ , /^\\ //\ | \\ // \ | || ,==. // | \ ||.=~////"=,|| / /(\ /////////\\\\\ /) (/(((///`~\\\\\)))\\///\ (//)))/_.-"")))\\((//((()) (((((((_.-"///"")).`')\\(\\ )))())' ((( ( './//))) (////~/ )) (((/(/ /)///` ( ))\(( `//(/_ '._ _.' _\\\ ((((/^\ '. .' /^\))) (\)\\__\ ' ' /__/(( )))\ ' ' /))) )//)/| ' ' |((( //))))/\ : : / )) (((((\\| : : | ( \\)\\\| : : | )))))| _.--'''--._ | /(/// \.' _____ './ (JGS( / .-': :'-. \ ))) \.' . . './ (( | . . | ) |/ '. .' \| //( )\\ \\/ \// `\ ''' /` '.__.__.' `"""` Q: What is a horse's favorite sport? A: Stable Tennis! ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: \\\\\\, /.. \\\ < D \_-'_/ <\ (>,_ / \Y/ /` \ || # | | || # | | /| # / / / |=[]/ / /__| /__/| //|| |/||\/ | | | | | | ( ( | | | | [_[___] jgs (_(__,_| Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?" The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars." "I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?" "Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear." "Well, you can't be disappointed with that!" "Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars." "Incredible... so how come you look so glum?" "Well, this week... nothing!" -<>- My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called. "What's all the commotion over there?" she asked. "Oh, nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance." -<>- There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?" "Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?" "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?" "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer. Finally, another man came in and asked the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want." -<>- _|/ ." ". __ /(o)-(o)\ /_)|| / | |_)|| '- | \_)|| '.___.' / |\/|_ | / \ \_/ / _| '/ |--\ '.___.' \ ) / \ \_/\__/\__ |==| \ \ /\ /\ `\ | | \ \\// \| | `\ /\ | / | jgs ; || |\____/ | || | Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?" Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?" -<>- A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me! Mommy said we came from monkeys." His father replied, "No, your mother was talking about her side of the family." -<>- ___ .' '. / 0 \ oOoOo | 0 . | ,==||||| \ __/ _|| ||||| '.___.' _.-'^|| ||||| __/_______.-' '==HHHHH _.-'` / """"" .-' / oOoOo `-._ / ,==||||| '-/._|| ||||| / ^|| ||||| / '==HHHHH /________""""" `\ `\ \ `\ / \ `\/ / / jgs /_____ Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ========================================================= >-->From AndyChaps: _.-'`'-._ .-' _ '-. `-.__ `\_.-' | `-``\| jgs `-.....-A # # >What College Grads Ask The graduate with a Science degree asks ... "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks ... "How does it work?" The graduate with a Business Administration degree asks ... "When will it work?" The graduate with a Finance degree asks ... "When will it turn a profit?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks ... "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Economics degree asks ... "Will there be demand for it?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks ... "Would you like fries with that? -<>- An American In London Some years ago, an American walking through the streets of London, was passing by London's tallest building. As he stood there looking up, a British lad came up beside him. After a while the American turned to the boy and said, "Do you realize son, that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size!". "I'm not surprised," said the boy. "That's a lunatic asylum!". -<>- .-. .-. ( | ) .-.: | ;,-. (_ __`.|.'_ __) ( ./Y\. ) `-.-' | `-.-' | | hjw >Short Takes! When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested; we call him a defense lawyer. I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort? "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers." - Dave Barry Someone asked us why our front door entranceway leads right into our dining room? I answered, 'So our in-laws don't have to waste any time.' When I told my friend I wanted a Thesaurus for my birthday, he said, 'Don't be silly, they've been dead for millions of years!' By the way, besides Washington and Lincoln, what other American presidents happened to have been born on American holidays? More and more vegetarians are quitting because of the side effects. They found themselves starting to lean toward the sunlight when seated comfortably indoors. Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out, "Okay, everyone in the house, please be advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in s%x education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!" "Oh my," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the last twenty years!" -<>- ,ae, ,88888e ,a888b.9888888i 888888888888888 88888888888888Y '8888888888888' "S888888888" unknown "7888888Y "e88j "Y >The Meanings of LOVE (n).....GCFL **Love: man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another **Love: a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses **Love: what Plato described as "a grave mental disease" **something they say is blind; it's marriage which is the real eye opener **Love: that emotion which is not true until returned **that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock [John Barrymore] **what rich countries have in common with the residents of all third-world countries **Love: is like measles; much worse when it comes late in life **Love: the most slippery word in the human language; used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species **Love: the only fire for which there is no insurance **Love: an emotion, even if unreturned, that has its rainbow **Love: the crocodile in the river of desire [Bhartrihari c. 625] **Love: the only game that two can play and both can win **Love: the last and most serious of the childhood diseases **Love: what makes marriage possible **Love: a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred the disorder **Love: the tie that blinds **Love: consists of happiness, given back and forth **Love: the only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds **Love: that which makes the world revolve **Love: a situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself; **Love: is a fan club with only two members **Love: the only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished **Love: the triumph of imagination over intelligence **Love: the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion **Love: a strange feeling that comes over a man; when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name **Love: is like war; simple to begin but the devil to stop **Love: is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties; **Love: something which combines the two greatest powers on earth; war and peace **Love: the balm that heals the wounds that words make. **Love: that which is, was and still to come. -<>- >My Job Interview Phil went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!" -<>- >Are you hurt? Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park. "I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Nigel "Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!" So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed into a brick wall. Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried "Are you hurt Nigel?" A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!" -<>- .-=-. /.-=-.\ ||_____|| ||. .|| || || / |\_-_/| \ / |=====| \ | |\_._/| | jgs `--.| T |.--' >Friends of Whom? At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ." The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to this feet and explained, "Family of the Groom." -<>- ,_ ,' `\,_ |_,-'_) /##c '\ ( ' |' -{. ) /\__-' \[] /`-_`\ ' \ hjm >Sherlock Holmes A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before. "No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real life counter- part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!" "There is one other thing," the driver said. "What is that?" "Your name is on the front of your suitcase." -<>- >What Would mom Say? The doctor noted with astonishment a tattoo of a bluebird on the shoulder of his 70-year-old patient, who was in his office for a checkup. She told him that she had wanted one her whole life, so she and her 16-year-old grandson decided that they would get birthday tattoos together. "Why didn't you get one sooner?" the doctor asked. She replied, "I was afraid of what my mother would say. -<>- __ /\/'-, ,--''''' /" ____,'. ) \___ '"""""------'"""`-----' pb >He Comes For The Rest One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. " The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep." ========================================================= >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: _ _ (_(_) /(_) (-----. |= | _|=____|_ (_________) 8" "8 (8 6 6 8) 8 7 8 88-=###, _ jgs "888"`##,|#| `###' >You Might be a Leprechaun if....... Submitted by J, L, CR & TJ Morrison You snicker uncontrollably all the way through "Darby O'Gill And The Little People." Your record collection is stocked only with very short artists, Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins. When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!) In your cupboard there is nothing but Lucky Charms cereal. Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere. You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends. You've been under a rock for the past few years. You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!) You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do." When you eat good food, you say it is "magically delicious." And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun: You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot! ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Last Shot! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lastshot.html Balloon Party!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/party.html Stuck Animals!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stuck.html Jobs That Suck!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jobs.html Identity Theft 3!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/identitytheft3.html IRONIC Isn't It!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/irony.html Hiking In China!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trail.html Womans Dream!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woman.html Humorous Signs!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hsigns.html No Passing Zone!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elephant.html Signs For Woman!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wsigns.html One Of Those Days!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/days.html Life's Little Oops 7!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops7.html Humor In Religion 3!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion3.html Look Who's Talking 7!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/talking7.html -<>- Darth Vader FWPD Interview https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNIJ10CWr8Q Watch this Stormtrooper try joining the Fort Worth Police force https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&t=79s Wookies Assemble! Star Wars' Chewbacca Joins Fort Worth Police https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-WZxFXj_kA -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) Touch the arrows lightly and get a better view in full screen...absolutely beautiful craftsmanship - just hold down the button on your cursor and move it around. Use the center wheel on your mouse to zoom in on the details, An Old Wooden Church In Poland ......really something to see. Click on the link below http://zieba.wroclaw.pl/kpg/kps.html --- ...Lovely! Thanks Geniann! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) Here Today, Gone Tomorrow, and So It Goes is a wonderful look back at some early times and how things have changed since. If you are over the age of 50 then chances are you have many fond memories from your lifetime that you take the time to reflect upon every now and then. Technology has changed dramatically over the last several decades so younger people might not recognize some of the things displayed in this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QoDXTAajEzY The Best Of Times is a memorable look back at the 1950's and 1960's and should be entertaining to watch for anyone that grew up in that era. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDc0ID6PJeg&feature=player_embedded The Best Of Times Part Two is a memorable look back at the 1950's and should be entertaining to watch for anyone that grew up in the 1950's. I'm not a music expert but I'm pretty sure some of the songs featured are from the 1960's. Still, if you like Rock and Roll Oldies I think you'll enjoy this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lT1sHyi2eY&feature=player_embedded The Best Of Times Part Three is another great look back at the 1950's and 1960's and should bring back fond memories for anyone that grew up in the 1950's. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmF91z1-dRY&feature=player_embedded --- ...Great Memory Links! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) ZoNation with Alfonzo Rachel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb6Hv4nJ40U The Harmonica Man - A retired Scottish http://videos2view.net/harmonica-man.htm Casting Crowns - Courageous (Official Music Video from the Movie) http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FJ0121NU --- ...Amazing Links! Thanks Melody! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun." -Conan O'Brien "A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone." -Jimmy Fallon "YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe giving birth. A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor's dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates." -James Corden "Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent." -Seth Meyers "Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. Now the only thing left for them to discover is a REASON to grow human tissue on apples." -Conan O-Brien "A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of questions, like: What kind of babies have enemies?" -Jimmy Fallon "In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they're trying to get American bumblebees to watch it." -Conan O-Brien "A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide." -Seth Meyers "A Florida man was arrested for throwing potato salad at a nail salon. During his arrest, he said, 'I've been drinking and taking Xanax. What do you expect me to do?' Well, not that, although I do sympathize. When I was trying to give up carbs, I once threw a bowl of spaghetti at a karate studio." -James Corden .-"""""-. \ / |.-----.| __|_______|___ HAPPY '--;-'```'-;--' ST. PATRICK'S / / 6_6 \ \ DAY ! ( ( _) ) ) / ( ( .__. ) ) ( `._`-'_.' ) /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ | /___```___\ | \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ /..,_______,..\ / /\ \ | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ ( /\ LI\ `.___,-'` \ | '.__/ >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $26 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe **********************************************************************