Happy Groundhog Day ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================== * * *%%* ,,,,, *%%* *%%%%%* W*W*W*W *%%%%%* *%%%%%%%* {//"\\}*%%%%%%%* *%%%%%%%%%*{{/6.6\}}*%%%%%%%%%* *%%%%%%%%%%%*{{( = )}}*%%%%%%%%%%%* *%%%%%%%%%%%%*}}}}) ({{{{*%%%%%%%%%%%%* *%%%%%%%%%%%* {{{{ }}}} *%%%%%%%%%%%* *%%%%%%%%%* We are each of us *%%%%%%%%%* *%%%%%* angels with only one wing*%%%%%* jgs *%%* And we can only fly *%%* * embracing each other. * -Luciano Decrescenzo *~* HELP! We NEED 2009 Angels for the web site! *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2009 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is appreciated - even just 5 dollars! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 ~* THANK YOU! GOD'S MOST ABUNDANT BLESSINGS TO YOU! ================ _______________________________ | | | | | | | .|, ,'drx. | | -(_)- |::|888L | | '|` ;:::8888L | | ;::::Y8888L | |------------|::::|88888L-------| | ;:::::888888L | | ;::::::Y888888L | | |::::::|888888'L. | | `-::::::888F'MMMML. | | `-::F'MMMMMMMMML| | `"**MMMMMMMM| | `"**M| | | Well, I hope you all had a Happy Groundhog Day. Of course the little critter saw his shadow - I think they have it glued above his den because he seems to see it every year! Right on clue came the winter clouds and then it started in snowing. It waited for the official groundhog word and then got busy confirming it in everyone's mind. Six more weeks of winter. Oh boy - oh joy! -<>- >-->In The 'Shangy' News: What a day! First the bad news from our little furry friend, then my computer decides to play some head games with me. It has memory problems and wipes out my email inbox. Zip all gone! o o //@@ o @@ ") @@@ -@ _____ / \ / \ |\____\ / ( X ) | | | | <___=\ | | | \======\ \|_"_| (____ I only had like 5,000 and some emails in it - no big deal. My archives of treasures to fall back on for my ezine compositions to the group and for new web pages could not be found anywhere. Fortunately, it only wiped out my top emails - Not all the emails in all my folders. But still bad enough. I discovered, as usual, that I've been a bad steward and not backed up my emails sent to me since August of last year. So I lost 5 months of emails. Sucks. But hey, C'est La Vie. and life goes on :) -<>- >Update! Our Friend BeckyS sent us an update on our cute little fawn, Rupert. Check it out here... . .. . . .. . . .. ... . . .. .. . . ...... . . ...... . ........ ........ .... 0.. ......... ........ . @...) .... .... Miracle Fawn http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rupert.html --- ...Thank You BeckyS. - It is most appreciated! -<>- >Hot Off The Shangy Press! ____ /^\ / -- ) / | \ (____/ / | | \ / / /_|_|_|_/ / | / / __ __ __ | / /__ __ __ [ ]__[ ]__[ ]. / /[ ]__[ ]__[ ] |__ ____/ /___ __| | / .------ ) | | / / / | | / / / | ~~~~~~~~~~~~-----------~~~~~~~~ldb~~~~~~~~~~~ This one comes from a forward from our friend Jo Ann. I am so impressed by these artists! Check it out here... Sand Art 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sandart2.html --- ...Absolutely Awesome Jo Ann! Thank You! -<>- O , ----@' O /'\_r-, | , \ \ ')) \ .| / \ /.*` + ,+ , | (' .+` | '++ | -Anderson Mills- .L-'' . / ,.--'--------.. _' .+ '+. ( .' + '++ ' , + .. ....+' ,' + ', '+. '''''''''''''''''' ..+' ,+ +.. '''------------------''' ..+' ''++____________________+++'' >-->This Last Month Has been a Great Caring And Sharing Month! If You Haven't Already, Check Out These New Pages... Endangered Wolf http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wolf.html Road Train Trucks http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/roadtrain.html Feather Painting 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/feather2.html Angel Falls http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angelfalls.html High Tech Toys http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/techtoys.html Picture This http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/picturethis.html Taking A Catnap 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catnap2.html Trash Shadow Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/shadowart.html BibleStudy: Only You God Has! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/onlyyougodhas.html BibleStudy: Walking In Power http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/walkingpower.html Heroes Truck http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/herotruck.html Top Ways To Stay Healthy http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stayhealthy.html *~* Special THANKS & HUGS To All Our Contributors! :) - PLEASE BE SURE TO PASS THESE ON - ============================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Redneck 911 Emergency ___ /.-.\ || || Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. \'-'/ || || The 911 operator told Bubba that she would `// || || send someone out right away. // || || "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" ============================================================== +--------------- Bizarre Historical Trivia ----------------+ 100 years ago.... Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Drive-by-shootings - in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy - were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. Some medical authorities warned that professional seam- stresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide - which was thought to diminish sexual desire - into the woman's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine. There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Sandi :) >Computer Problems o o //@@ o @@ ") @@@ ~ @ _____ / \ / \ |\____\ / ( X ) | | | | <___=\ | | | \======\ \|_"_| (____ This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!! Now, don't you feel bad for all the Help Desk techies.... ================================= Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute.... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... ============== Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? =============== Customer: can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' ============== And last but not least... Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! -<>- >Good Outlook on Life... _______AAAA_______________AAAA_________ VVVV VVVV (__) (__) \ \ / / \ \ \\|||// / / > \ _ _ / < > \ / \ / \ / < > \\_o_o_// < > ( (_) ) < >| |< / |\___/| \ / (_____) \ / \ / o \ ) ___ ( / / \ \ ( / \ ) >< >< ///\ /\\\ ''' ''' Michel Boisset If you haven't received this one before, it is worth reading. Depth without getting too deep!:) The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Sodas When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the soda represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Sodas just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of drinks with a friend.' Please share this with someone you care about.. I JUST DID. But, nothing bad will happen if you don't!:) --- ...Wonderful! Thanks Sandi! ================================================================== >-->In The Wordly News: >From BizarreNews: -- Mom's postcards on the way 26 years late -------- ANCHORAGE, Alaska - An Anchorage, Alaska, woman who received a couple's postcards to their son 26 years after they were sent said they've been forwarded to the intended recipient. Teresa Childs said she was contacted by James Jigliotti, 54, shortly after media reports of the post- cards, which Olga Jigliotti mailed to her then 29-year-old son's Anchorage address while she and her husband, John, visited Italy, the Anchorage Daily News reported. James Jigliotti, now of Atlanta, said he is more likely to treasure the items now than when he was supposed to receive them in March 1982. Olga Jigliotti died March 22, 2007, and John Jigliotti died March 23, 2008. "You can never have enough of that stuff," James Jigliotti said Sunday. "It trickles away, more or less." -- Man, 80, reprimanded for escalator run --------- FARNHAM, England - An 80-year-old former Olympic hurdler said a Farnham, England, store has threatened to ban him if he is caught running up a down escalator again. Peter Hildreth, who represented Britain at the Olympics in 1952, 1956 and 1960, said he used to train for his sport by running up the wrong escalators, and decided to try out his old training regime as his 80th birthday approached, The Daily Mail reported. "I started doing it last month because I was turning 80. People did not see me do it to start with, I must have done it three or four times," he said. Hildreth said he was finally caught by the head of the women's underwear department at the top of the escalator and was given a stern talking-to by store manager Graham Duerden, who said the elderly man was violating health and safety rules and setting a bad example for young people. The former athlete said he has had his fill of his old pastime. "I am not going to do it anymore," Hildreth said. "My wife will be annoyed about me doing it, she does not know until now." -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Colorado bans 'WTF' for license plates Colorado authorities have added the popular text messaging abbreviation "WTF" to the list of letter combinations banned from the state's license plates. The Colorado Department of Revenue-appointed committee added "WTF" -- an abbreviation for "what the" followed by a four-letter euphemism for copulation beginning with "f" -- to bring the total number of three-letter combinations banned by the list to 261, the Rocky Mountain News reported. Department of Revenue representative Maren Rubino said the committee decides what letter combinations to ban from license plates using "standard common knowledge practices." "Standard common practices are: any combination of letters or numbers that carry connotations offensive to good taste and decency, are misleading, offensive to the general public, or represent gang, drug, sex, racial terms," Rubino said. Other combinations banned by the state include KKK, ASS, HEL, FAG, COP, FBI, GAY, JEW, JAP, WOP and CAT. Mayor, in newsletter, offends tourists Belmar, N.J., Mayor Ken Pringle has angered some residents of New York's Staten Island Borough with comments in a newsletter about women from the borough. Pringle wrote in his July 4 newsletter that an "SI girl behaving badly" caused a ruckus at a Belmar club, the Staten Island Advance reported Thursday. "As the Staten Island girl was pummeling the Boonton girl's face, she used the hand she was still holding her drink glass in," the mayor wrote. "Now, we're not sure if the glass was stuck to her hand cause of all the hair spray or if this is a technique Staten Island girls learn in Brownies, but we are thankful she left her brass knuckles and straight razor in her other purse." The mayor also made references to "guidos" -- often used as a derogatory term for young Italian males -- saying they are "as welcome as, oh, Canada geese." The slurs led one Staten Island councilman to suggest his constituents "avoid (Pringle's) town like the plague." Mario Flotta of Staten Island, who said he frequently visits Belmar, said he was shocked and outraged by the mayor's comments. "It's surprising to know that a place where tourism thrives and pays for pretty much everything around here, that someone would make comments like this," he said. ========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Trish: >Be Sure to sign up in advance... SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS _\|/_ /--\ |[]| _] \/ [_ REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED /_ `==' _\ \\| |// l\ __/j `|-'##| BY June 29, 2009 |#||#| |#||#| _|#||#|_ `==" "==` as NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours begin ning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 h ours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours - beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day! --- ...TeeeHee! A Good one! Thanks Trish! ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Jim :) ___ //))))) )))@_@) ((( = ) ))) -(_ __ / `-'\\ /,\\\` /__| )y | < \ (\_/ `.\ \ {>>>` | /`-'\____| / c \\ / (C \_ _))\ `-'-._/ \ / /\ \ / ,' `. \ / / \ \ <\_\_ \ \ `---` (_`-\_ `---' hjw >Here are the All-Time Top 10 Blond Inventions! 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag What great ideas! D'oh! -<>- .-. (/^\) (\ /) .-'-. /(_I_)\ \\) (// / \ \ | / \|/ /|\ \|/ jgs /Y\ >WHY GOD MADE MOMS Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me What kind of a little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2.. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS....and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!! --- ...TeeHee! Great! Thanks Jim! ==================================================================== >-->From The Jokester: >Things I Hate About Everyone - , :. , ,__.`|\' , \,^|/|='._=-_. -.,\ \_) \/(^_)\/ (_/ / -:__ .-'~__)` ___-`~. ___ ~(_'-)-~` -^~\ ~-.' _ '. .' _ `.-._~/^~. _.=^<-.'| (@) | | (@) | ->.-^` ~-._>-'`. .'~'. .'`-<~.' .-~^'__^^--~`_...__`~--^^. _,^= `-^ __.;--~`( | )`~--;-~-._`: __...'~``.~ ^'-._\_/_.-'^~-.~-_...__ /. ~- `\-. ^.~ .`~` `.~-. ^.-/~.- ^,\ |^'- .` ~|_`-.._:_._,_:_,_..-'|- ~ . ',| |=|`, .~ '.|====================|^. ',`. |='| |/\__\__\__/|\|/|\|/|\|/|\|/|\|/\__/__/__/|/| | | | | | | | | | | | |(o __ o) | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | ((__))| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |`--' | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | [by the grouch] People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? People who are willing to get off their bottom to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Heck Yeah! What good is cake if you can't eat it? When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their behinds! When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? Duh! -<>- Change A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change” ============================================================== >-->From PetWarmers: ________________ '------._.------'\ \_______________\ .'| .'| .'_____________.' .| | | | | Scooby _.-. | . | | * (_.-' | | | Snacks | .| | * * | .' |______________|.' LGB >MILK BONES Even though his daughters were all well into their sixties, they still called him "daddy". He called all of his grandchildren "honey" even after several of them became big strapping men. Nobody minded. I lost this man, my grandfather, recently. He died suddenly and left a hole in my life. There are many things that he was -- soft-spoken, funny, incredibly kind, patient, gentle. He loved children. He loved animals. He loved the woods and his garden. My mother tells me whenever it was decreed that she or one of her sisters was to be spanked, he always cried after the discipline was doled out. There are fewer things that my grandfather was not. He was not an educated man. He had to leave school early when his father died to take care of his mother and sister. He was also not a rich man. He didn't build buildings or leave trust funds. He didn't travel or speak different languages. Truthfully, he didn't leave many material things behind to define his life. But he did leave me chocolate, ice-cream cones and dog biscuits -- the things he used to teach me about life and what makes it worthwhile. The chocolates were dome-shaped and filled with something that looked like marshmallow, but tasted better. They were contained in a little brown paper sack, kept seemingly at all times either on his person, or on a particular shelf in the pantry. I don't know where he got them. I have never seen them sold anywhere and their mysterious origin adds, in my mind, to their magic. They had a way of materializing, just when I most needed someone to notice how I was feeling. There would be a familiar paper rustling, a conspiratorial wink and a hush-hush whisper to not tell my mother or grandmother, as the treat was slipped silently into my hand. Being the recipient of one of these candies always made me feel special just when I needed it the most. My grandfather liked to walk. So did I. I especailly liked walking with him because our route almost invariably included a stop at the ice-cream counter. My grandfather, a chocoholic himself, would always tell me I could have any flavor I wanted, except chocolate -- the only flavor I was even remotely interested in. He said it with a twinkle in his eye and would always laugh loudly and mock-protest with a "Hey! I said no chocolate!" when I invariably marched up to the counter and ordered a chocolate cone to match his own. Lastly, the dog bones. My grandfather adored dogs about as much as he liked chocolate, but at this time in his life, he didn't own one. But that didn't keep him from always stocking his trouser pockets full of dog biscuits. After all, one should never be empty-handed in the event of running into old friends. And sometimes, I think the purpose of his walking was more to greet and treat his many canine buddies than to exercise. He was like a one-man sunshine committee for the four-legged population of his town. He knew every dog on his route by name, and there were a lot of them. There was no leash law back then and dogs were free to pay us a visit on the sidewalk. Sometimes, if I was lucky, he'd let me do the honors. I guess you could say the milk-bone of human kindness ran from my grandfather's pockets. My husband says that I remember events and people by their associations with food. And, I must admit that this is true. Many of the pictures, the memories of my life are tied into flavors, and scents and textures and colors. I like to think that maybe this is why my food memories are so vivid, and why chocolates will always remind me to take the time to notice and let others know I care. And why seeing chocolate ice-cream melting in the heat of a summer day, dripping down the side of a cake cone, will always remind me that a sense of humor is a delicious thing. And why the vaguely cracker-like scent of dog biscuits reminds me to stop often, enjoy my journey, and keep in mind that delight in life comes from making others happy. These are the things my grandfather left me. And with his legacy of chocolate and dog biscuits, I can't think of how any man could possibly have been considered more successful. I'm carrying on, Grandpa, with a pocketful of dog bones, but rest assured, you will be missed. -- Karen Driscoll ____________________________________________ Karen lives in Connecticut with her husband and their four children. ===================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: .=., ;c =\ __| _/ .'-'-._/-'-._ I can it! /.. ____ \ /' _ [<_->] ) \ ( / \--\_>/-/'._ ) \-;_/\__;__/ _/ _/ '._}|==o==\{_\/ / /-._.--\ \_ // / /| \ \ \ / | | | \; | \ \ / / | :/ \: \ \_\ / | /.'| /: | \ \ | | |--| . |--| \_\ / _/ \ | : | /___--._) \ |_(---'-| >-'-| | '-' snd /_/ \_\ Q. Why can't we hear what goes on inside our body? A. Nature has seen fit to tune our hearing so that we hear high-pitched sounds (e.g. the human voice), rather than the lower-pitched sounds like blood rushing through the arteries. The odds of hearing blood pumping are further decreased by the fact the most sound-sensitive areas around the ear have no blood vessels in them. -<>- I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?" -<>- A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" -<>- \ ,'|`-. / \,' _|_ ',' /'.' | `,' \ -._/_/_'.|,'_\__\_,- | | ,-*." | | ___|,+' /|\`.| | \ \/ | \/`. |___ \ /`.|,'\ / Y. | \/ | `.|_,' Q. Where did the word "cobweb" come from? A. "Cobweb" comes from the Anglo-Saxon word "attercoppes." Anter is Saxon for spider and coppes is Middle English for weave. By the Middle Ages it was abbreviated to "cop" and "copweb.". Eventually it became "cobweb." -<>- >THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT THE TATTOO PARLOR * "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE." * "We're all out of red, so I used pink." * "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?" * "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy." * "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie." * "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups." * "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here." * "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before." * "The flag's all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect." * Oops.... ===================================================================== >-->From TheMouth: Job Application submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment... NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING PREVIOUS EMPLOYMENT: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks, yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. ============================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: Popcicle Season In 1905 in San Francisco, 11-year-old Frank Epperson accidentally made the first popsicle when he left his soda with a stirring stick in it outside on his back porch, and it froze overnight. He soon began selling the treat to his friends and family, calling it an "Eppsicle"--a combination of his last name and the word "icicle." Eighteen years later, he applied for a patent for "frozen ice on a stick" and renamed it "Popsicle." By 1928, Epperson had earned royalties on more than 60 million Popsicles. He went on to create the Fudgsicle, Creamsicle, and Dreamsicle. The current Popsicle brand includes more than 30 variations. There have been more than 100 different flavors, with cherry, orange, and grape the most popular. Last year, Americans consumed more than 1.2 billion Popsicles. -<>- ,-""-. .-""-. / -. \/ -. \ ( ) \ / \ / `. ,' o `. ,' o o `.,' o O _ _ O (_) (_) ,.',,, ,,,, ,'`'`,`',';.,;','','`. ;,`',`',,,,,`.,,.`',`'`; ;`''`.' / \ `.'`'`'`, ,'`',; e (_,._)a ;"`','`; ,;`,'.`; )._)(_,( ;`',`''`, .'`','`',`. _,-',_`-._,',.':,`'`', ,' `'`,'`,,,,,,' _)`.;~~~__,'`'`,,', _; `';`',;;',,,,, {-_ ;'''''',''``,,`, _ \`'`,'`,'',; `._,~~'`--;.'''''_','`'`'';`/ ',`',',',," ; ; `~~~;`',,'`,'',' `.`'','`; ; ; ;`',`'',`; `.`,',,' .' `. ;,',',`,' `,,,,"`~~' `~~'",,,,' `-.__))) (((__,-' hjw Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination. "How old are you?" he asked. "None of your business," replied his mother, shortly. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's not your business either, young man." The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?" Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper. The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know." Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex." -<>- The Psychiatrist The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him." -<>- One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. ( )___( ) /__oo \ ( \/ ) | `=/ | "Well, I wish that all the bears / \ / / \ \ / ( \ \ in the next forest were ( ,_/_ \ \ \_ '= \ ) ""' / / ; / /'? female as well" : (((( / ctr `._ \ _ ( __| | /_ ("__,.."'_._.) Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..." . _.:/ ) _ .-Q `._ '\(o7/' o(.__ '-. `.( ).' `_/ ) H ._ '-._.' kOs w ( \ / \ '. .' ) -<>- Golden Urinals The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold." She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who peed in your saxophone." -<>- I live in Texas. I have two friends that are not overly bright and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were. When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply." I told them, There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper." Sure enough, there were ads for . . . "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person." Posted From [Kitty's Daily Mews] Blondes, perhaps?! - J.R. ================================================================ >-->From AndyChaps: ** What enthusiasm! ** One evening I was riding in the car with my sister, also a teacher, in the little town where she lives. We passed a group of young people who were standing on a corner engaged in an animated conversation. "Look!" I said to my sister. "They're really excited about their topic of conversation. Look at all those hand gestures." "Sis," my sibling said patiently, "They're talking in sign language. _._ /_)\\ b-)^_^(-d \,-./ `-' Ojo They're students at the local school for the deaf." -<>- ** A Comparison ** ASI By Steve: <> A church personnel committee asked their pastor to evaluate his ministry in comparison to the ministry of Jesus. Here is his humble response: **JESUS **PASTOR Walks on water....................Slips on ice Changes water into wine...........Changes water into coffee Welcomes children.................Has children's sermon Curses fig tree...................Kills houseplants Stills the storm..................Puts storm windows on sills Feeds 5,000.......................Buys snacks for youth program Heals centurion's servant at a distance......................Can use the TV remote control Heals paralyzed man...............Gets children to do chores Overturns money-changer tables....Puts away folding tables Raises the dead...................Wakes teenagers Casts out demons..................Turns on night-light Cleanses lepers...................Has changed dirty diapers Light of the World................Turner of light switches Stands at door and knocks.........Has church key Calls disciples...................E-mails deacons (From "Holy Hilarity" compiled by Cal and Rose Samra) -<>- ** DAFFYNITIONS ** TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western. OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver. BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself." BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers. TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. -<>- _|_ | / \ //_\\ //(_)\\ |/^\| ,%%%% // \\ ,@@@@@@@, ,%%%%/%%% // \\ ,@@@\@@@@/@@, @@@%%%\%%//%%%// === \\ @@\@@@/@@@@@ @@@@%%%%\%%%%%// =-=-= \\@@@@\@@@@@@;%#####, @@@@%%%\%%/%%// === \\@@@@@@/@@@%%%######, @@@@@%%%%/%%//| |\\@\\//@@%%%%%%#/#### '@@@@@%%\\/%~ | | ~ @|| %\\//%%%#####; @@\\//@|| | __ __ | || %%||%%'###### '@|| || | | | | | || ||##\//#### || || | | -|- | | || ||'#||###' || || |_|__|__|_| || || || || ||_/` ======= `\__||_._|| || jgs__||_/` ======= `\_||___ ** What Joey Learned In Sunday School ** Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it! -<>- ** Stumbling Block ** A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know, honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son." "Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has nothing standing in his way." -<>- ** Shouldn't Have Done That ** "So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. "All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!" -<>- ** When you have an "I hate my job" Day ** __________________________________________________ ____.-"":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"-. (___:===='==='==='==='==='==='==='=A ' ' ' ' ' ' ) jgs `'-._92____94____96____8__|_100____2_____4_____6_____8.-` On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company." -<>- ,''@, |.~.| : - : \-/ .-|\_/)-. / | Y -- \ / /\o /\ \ \ \_|___|_/ / \_/ \_/ | _ | | | | ( | ) | | | Sher^ | | | |__|__| (__|__) ** To Help Me Remember ** When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University, I often asked him to do errands after class, tying ribbons on his fingers to remind him. A good sport, he didn't protest, even though his classmates obviously noticed my little reminders. One day he had to have a mole removed from above his ear and emerged from the doctor's office with his head wrapped in a white bandage. When he walked into class, everyone just stared. Finally one student blurted out, "Whatever your wife wants you to remember today, it must be REALLY important." ~~Selma Barton in READER'S DIGEST ====================================================================== >-->Quotes: Whenever anyone says "theoretically," they really mean "not really". -- Dave Parnas Look at the bright side: no matter how old you are, you're younger than you'll ever be again. Ever notice that people never say "It's only a game" when they're winning? -- Ivern Ball You don't get to choose how you are going to die or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. -- Joan Baez "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." -- David Friedman If you think about disaster, you will get it. Brood about death and you hasten your demise. Think positively and masterfully, with confidence and faith, and life becomes more secure, more fraught with action, richer in achievement and experience. -- Edward Rickenbacker (1890-1973) >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************