Happy Hug An Australian Day... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our ShangyFunList: Group Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* Please Consider Giving To ShangralaFamilyFun.com :) The cost of the website has gone up dramatically due to the ever increasingly wonderful pages and photos being added each week to entertain you and our fellow Christian families. If every one would chip in $25 or more, we'd be good for the whole year! So Please - I need your help today! "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a Shangrala Angel, the easiest way to do that is through online giving. It is easy to use, and most of all, it is secure. Please visit the site, scroll down and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL form page comes up. NOTE: Paypal will generate a 'Quantity 1' and 'Price per item' form. Just ignore the price per item and put whatever it is you desire to give in there. With Paypal, you will have your normal receipt for your 'payment' donation in USD (United States Dollars). You can put a memo in there if you'd like. EVERY LITTLE BIT WILL HELP! Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR GIFT! ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->3 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This sizzling hot new page is from our friends LouiseAu and Fran. It is full of things that will make you say, 'Wow! I didn't know that!' Be sure to give it, along with the video here, a few moments and see how many you never knew before! ,,,,,, /e ''( (_ ` \ ___> \ / ,_\-.___ \_ / _)/ / \ | \ / ` _ | __\____/ / ' | / _ /______/ / _/ \,_____/o ( \__)/` \ / \__________/_/_ _/ \ \ )/ \ / / | /\ ( \_____/ ___/ \ \ _/ \ ______/_/___|_| ) \ / / o\ o\ / / /\ b'ger,,,'-----^--',,,,,,',,|_,,\_ ,,\/,, Little Known Things! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/littleknown.html --- ...Pretty interesting! Thanks Ladies! Our next too hot to handle new page is from our friends Linda and CarolC. These out of the box entrepreneurs' have some new product ideas to make our lives more easy, fun and interesting. Be sure to check them out here... . | , \ _---_ / -_ .' `. _- __ : .---. : __ : \ / : -" `. | | .' "- / |`-'| \ ' ]"-_[ ` ]"-_[ Ojo 98 "*" Thoughts Into Action 13! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/action13.html --- ...Teehee! Some very good ones here! Thanks Ladies! Our last hot new page is from our friends Linda and LouiseAu. These photographers captured the moment at exactly the right split second! Making time stand still with their incredible shots. Be sure to check this fun one out here... .---. |[X]| _.==._.""""".___n__ d __ ___.-''-. _____b |[__] /."""".\ _ | | // /""\ \\_) | | \\ \__/ // | |pentax\`.__.'/ | \=======`-..-'======/ `-----------------' hjw Got A Nanosecond 11? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nano11.html --- ...Perfect! Love this series! Thanks so much Ladies! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: _ _ / ) / ) .' / .' / ---' (____ ---' (____ _) ((__) __) ._ ((___) __) -'((__) ---.______) VK ---.___((_) A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - no singing in the bar!" -<>- One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary: Dear Bo$$, In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon. Your$ $incerely, Marian $hih The next day, the employee received this letter of reply : Dear Marian, I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things turned bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean. Yours truly, Manager ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ April 26 is Hug an Australian Day, National Pretzel Day and Richter Scale Day April 27 is Babe Ruth Day, Morse Code Day, National Prime Rib Day and Tell a Story Day April 28 is International Astronomy Day, Great Poetry Reading Day, Kiss Your Mate Day April 29 is Greenery Day, International Dance Day, National Shrimp Scampi Day and National Zipper Day April 30 is Arbor Day, Hairstyle Appreciation Day, International Jazz Day, National Honesty Day, National Raisin Day and National Mahjong Day May 1 is Free Comic Book Day, Hawaiian Lei Day, Herb Day, Kentucky Derby Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Fitness Day and Save the Rhino Day May 2 is Baby Day and Brothers and Sisters Day ======================================================= >-->From Mikey'sFunnies: . . ) ( _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _(.--.) {{ { { { { { { { { { { ( '_') jgs >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>`--'> There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped." -<>- >I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. I don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights." Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. -<>- John slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff. "Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser." "He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner." -<>- A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, "39 and holding." The child thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?" -<>- "Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf." "That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!" ========================================================= _,__ .: Darwin <* / | \ .-./ |. : :, / '-._/ \_ / ' \ .' *: Brisbane .-' ; | | \ / | / Perth \* __.--._ / \ _.' \:. | >__,-' \_/*_.-' Melbourne snd :--, '/ >-->Happy Hug An Australian Day! - Aussie Jokes: Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with sheep? A: A woolly jumper! Q: How does every Aussie joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder! Q: Why do mothers of kangaroos hate rainy days or bad weather? A: Because they think that their children play inside. Q: What do you call if a baby kangaroo is lazy? A: A pouch potato! :e 'M$\ sf$$br J\J\J$L$L :d )fM$$$$$r ..P*\ .4MJP '*\ sed"""""" ser d$$$F .M\ ..JM$$$B$$$$BJ$MR ... dF nMMM$$$R$$$$$$$h"$ks$$"$$r J\.. .MMM8$$$$$LM$P\..'**\ *\ d :d$r "M$$$$br'$M\d$R J\MM\ *L *M$B8MM$B.** :fd$> :fhr 'MRM$$M$$" MJ$> '5J5..M8$$> :fMM d$Fd$$R$$F 4M$P .$$*.J*$$** M4$> '$>dRdF MMM\ *L*B. Rosemary Lyndall Wemm :$$F ?k"Re .$$P\ **'$$B... :e$F" '"""" Q: How does a kangaroo pick his favorite rugby team? A: He jumps on the bandwagon. Q: What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? A: The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves. Q: What do you call it when you cook meat from the front of a kangaroo? A: A hot pocket! (\_ _/) _." '; .' "._ /( )h\ (/( )\ ctr___/ \|__ __|/ \__ Q: What kind of music is kangaroo's favorite one to listen to? A: Hip Hop Q: Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia? A: Too bad, they’re still working on it. Q: Why do Australian football players do so well in math? A: They know how to use their heads! Q: If you find gold in Australia, where should you look for silver? A: Agstralia!! (\-"""-/) | | \ ^ ^ / .-. \_o_/ / / /` `\/ | / \ | \ ( ) / | / \_) (_/ \ / | (\-/) | \ --^o^-- / \ '.___.' / jgs .' \-=-/ '. / /` `\ \ (//./ \.\\) `"` `"` Q: What do you call a talking kangaroo? A: A quantum leap. Q: Why did the cockatoo sit on the clock? A: So he’d be on time! Q: What do you call a LAN party in Australia? A: The LAN Down Under Q: Why isn’t the Australian national football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can’t hold on to a lead. ) ( | ) ( / .- _ ,---. _ ( / / (~-| . . |-~) V / \._ 0 _,/ / / `-^-'`-._ / ' `-. ( : )E : ,---' ( . )E ( gpyy '._____,---' ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial? A" Because he was koala-fied. Q: What animal can jump higher than the Sydney Harbor Bridge? A: All animals, because bridges can’t jump! Hahaha!! Q: What’s the difference between Cinderella and the Melbourne football team? A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball. Q: Why is Australia such a dry country? A: We don’t have a king or queen to reign on it. _.._..,_,_ ( ) ]~,"-.-~~[ .=])' (; ([ | ]:: ' [ '=]): .) ([ |:: ' | ~~----~~ Paul Martin Howard Q: A Kiwi, an Englishman, and an Australian walk into a bar. A: The barman says, “Is this some kind of bloody joke?” Conversation: A normal winter day in Australia Son: Dad, I’m cold. Dad: Go stand in a corner. Son: Why? Dad: Because it’s 90 degrees there. Q. What’s a crocodile’s favorite game? A. Snap! Q. What’s small, furry and bright purple? A. A koala holding its breath! \. ./ \\ // \\ // \`-'/ CJ `-' Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A. A stick! Q. Why did the emu cross the road? A. To prove he wasn’t a chicken! Q. Why did the dingo cross the road twice? A. Because he was a double-crosser! Q. What’s a koala’s favorite drink? A. Coca Koala! .-._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .-''-.__.-'00 '-' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '-. '.___ ' . .--_'-' '-' '-' _'-' '._ V: V 'vv-' '_ '. .' _..' '.'. '=.____.=_.--' :_.__.__:_ '. : : (((____.-' '-. / : : snd (((-'\ .' / _____..' .' '-._____.-' Q. What do crocodiles call children? A. Appetisers! .--. .--. / ' .\ |'. ( .-. \ \ . ` /\. /`. / ) ( `.' .' '--'` (\ \.' .' ) \`. \ _/ _..--' `. \ /`'<_/ : )"'``..`-3 : :. `"'. ) / |-.'' (_.-._ | / ( .'`--..J ' |-'( |_| | : >` '. .'' : | Y | < | : > ' \ `_ : '` \ / :- ' || : / ./: | \ .'J /_ ) : | '% | a:f /.-.`). : I | / ( \ ) : .^) `-' `..-' (`"' / ===' >Check Out These Fun Australian Pages: Australian Cockatoo Story! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cockatoos.html Australian Penguins Rescued! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/penguinrescue2.html Cute Australian Wildlife! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/australiaanimals.html Dangerous Critters! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dangerouscritters.html Dog Saves Baby Koala! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogsaveskoala.html Hand Sized Baby Animals! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/babyanimals2.html Kangaroos And Wallabies! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kangaroos.html Koalas In A Heatwave! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/koalas.html Koalas Up Close! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/koalas3.html Koala Twins! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/koalatwins.html Name These Animal Groups! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalgroups.html Red Panda Cub! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/redpandacub.html Natural Show-offs! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/showoffs.html *~* T O A L L O U R A U S T R A L I A N F R I E N D S *~* _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _( )_ ( ) ( ) _( )_ ( ) ( ) _( )_ ( ` ' )| |_| | _ _ __ ( ` ' )| |_| | _ _ __ ( ` ' ) > < | _ |( ) ( ) /'_ `\ > < | _ |( ) ( ) /'_ `\ > < (_, ,_)| | | || (_) |( (_) |(_, ,_)| | | || (_) |( (_) |(_, ,_) (_) (_) (_)`\___/'`\__ | (_) (_) (_)`\___/'`\__ | (_) ( )_) | ( )_) | \___/' \___/' (¯`v´¯) `*.¸.*´ ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. Huggums!... :) Shangy! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :) .=gp. .'/$$$$ || "TP" || .: || .-' | || .-' | || | !____ || | .-' .-' || '.____.-'( || \ / /__\ || )( |::| /__\ fsc |::| >SMILES Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother." Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He sees a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me!" ---------- _.._ .-' `-. : ; ; ,_ _, ; : \{" "}/ : ,'.'"=..=''.'. ; / \ / \ ; .' ; '.__.' ; '. .-' .' '. '-. .' ; ; '. / / \ \ ; ; ; ; ; `-._ _.-' ; ; ""--. .--"" ; '. _ ; ; _ .' {""..' '._.-. .-._.' '..""} \ ; ; / : : : : : :.__.: : \ /"-..-"\ / fsc '-.__.' '.__.-' What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost! ---------- An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house." "Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late." ---------- Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the music director and the pastor get into it, stand back. One week the pastor preached on commitment and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The choir selected "I Shall Not Be Moved" as the final hymn. Next week the pastor preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir selected "Jesus Paid It All" as the final hymn. Next week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The choir selected "I Love To Tell The Story" as the final hymn. Next week the pastor, being disgusted over the situation, told the congregation that he was considering resignation. The choir selected "Why Not Tonight " as the final hymn. Then the pastor resigned the next week and told the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was now leading him away. The choir selected "What A Friend We Have In Jesus " as the final hymn. ---------- The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!" ---------- An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm dead!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT dead. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're dead." --- ...Oh for goodness sake! HaHaHa! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 8 .d88 8 oooooooooooooooooooooooooooood8888 8 8888888888888888888888888P" 8888 oooooooooooooooo 8 8888888888888888888888P" 8888 8 8 8 8888888888888888888P" 8888 8 d8 8 8888888888888888P" 8888 8 d88 8 8888888888888P" 8888 8 d888 8 8888888888P" 8888 8 d8888 8 8888888P" 8888 8 d88888 8 8888P" 8888 8 d888888 8 8888oooooooooooooooooooooocgmm8888 8 d8888888 8 .od88888888888888888888888888888888 8 d88888888 8888888888888888888888888888888888888 8 d888888888 8 d8888888888 ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 8 d88888888888 d ...oood8b 8 d888888888888 d ...oood888888888888b 8 d8888888888888 d ...oood88888888888888888888888b 8d88888888888888 dood8888888888888888888888888888888888b >Hello Tech Support.. *Actual call center conversations!* Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help? Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir? ' Customer: 'It's on the door of your business. Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'* -------- *Samsung Electronics* *Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack? ' Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.' Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack? ' Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'* -------- *RAC Motoring Services* *Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?' Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'* --------- Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) 'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'* --------- *Directory Inquiries* *Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please ' Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct? ' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.' --------- *Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?' Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland...'* --------- *On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'* --------- *Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop. ' Customer: 'OK.' Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu? ' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu? ' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?' Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.' --------- *Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'* *Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'* --------- *Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?' --------- *This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.............. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.' *Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble? ' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared' Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.' Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark?' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not?' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' Operator: 'Tell them you're too darned stupid to own a computer!' --- ...LMAO! Good One! Thanks LouiseAu! ========================================================= >-->From HandyHints: || ---------||------------- | || | | |\ | >---\/\/\/-*-\/\/\/--*------|+\ | | | |--*-*--- > | --|-/ | ===== | |/ | | | | | ----------- __|__ ___ _ * Note Breaker Number On Outlet Cover I discovered this useful tip after some trial and error and many, many trips up and down the two flights of stairs in my home: Once I've determined which circuit that a particular switch or outlet belongs to, I jot down the breaker number on the inside of the outlet cover or light switch plate. This way the next time I need to work on that switch or receptacle, I know which breaker to flip and just a single trip down to the electric panel is all that's needed. * Remove Crayon Marks From Walls Have your walls been redecorated with some original crayon masterpieces? Don't lose your cool. Just grab a rag, dip it in some baking soda and lightly scrub the marks. They will come off with a minimal amount of effort and give your young Picasso a fresh, new canvas. * Cover pans when cooking Whenever you cook on the stove, always try to cover the pans. This reduces the amount of energy that escapes from open pans, plus the amount of time it takes to heat up food and boil water. -<>- _.(-)._ .' '. / \ |'-...___...-'| \ '=' / `'._____.'` / | \ /.--'|'--.\ []/'-.__|__.-'\[] | jgs [] >Grilling Tips * Get It Hot! Preheat your grill 10 minutes before you start cooking to make sure it reaches the right temperature (and to kill any bacteria). Your grill should be 400-450 degrees F for high, 350-400 degrees F for medium-high, 300-350 degrees F for medium and 250-300 degrees F for low heat. A properly heated grill sears foods on contact, keeps the insides moist and helps prevent sticking. While searing doesn't 'seal in' the juices (contrary to popular belief ), it does create improved flavors through caramelization. * Tame The Flames Flare-ups happen when fat drips onto the heat source and catches fire. This causes carcinogenic PAHs (polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons) to form and accumulate on your food. Meat licked by flames also tastes 'off' and flames may char the outside of food before the inside has thoroughly cooked. To reduce flare-ups, select lean cuts of meat, trim excess fat and remove poultry skin. And, keep a squirt bottle of water near the grill to quickly douse any unexpected flare- ups. ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: Justice Jeanine 4/21/2021 https://video.foxnews.com/playlist/on-air-justice-with-judge-jeanine/ Watter's World 4/24/21 https://video.foxnews.com/v/6250272654001#sp=show-clips California is Now the Most Impoverished State / Non-Lockdown States Have the Fewest COVID Cases in the US / DC Cops Wreck Two Cars While Drag Racing on Duty / Judge Tosses Lawsuit to Ban Boys from Girl Sports / The CDC Issues Summer Camp Rules / Food Prices are About to Shoot Up / NC City Council Fires Employee Because of “White Privilege" / Big Tech Bought BLM to Carry their Message https://reliablenewsnow.com/ NIH Study Proves Face Masks Are Useless Against COVID-19 Virus / CNN Just Let Slip What The COVID Vaccine Is Really... https://deepstatejournal.com/ Cops Try To Arrest Someone For Criticizing AOC! / CDC Still Uncovering Deadly Side Effects From COVID Vaccine! http://2020conservative.com/ ALERT: Why Are Planes Flying OVER The White House? https://threepercenternation.com/ Latest From AFA: http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw Students For Life https://tinyurl.com/yd5nxmu6 Latest From OperationRescue: http://www.operationrescue.org/ Latest Product Alert: Recall Alert: Beef, Ham, Nuts, Broth http://www.emergencyemail.org/products/?fmt=text Latest Health Alert: CDC Updates Mask Guidance For Summer Camps http://www.emergencyemail.org/health/?fmt=text Click to Give Free https://tinyurl.com/y2abb8d2 -<>- >From BizarreNews: We've come a long way from handing out 'It's a boy' or 'It's a girl' cigars. These days so-called gender reveals are a big deal. It started with a cake being cut open to reveal an interior sponge of pink or blue. That gimmick has evolved into colored balloon releases, fireworks and smoke bombs. But the couple in today's story were going to be happy with nothing less than high explosives. A huge explosion. An explosion connected to an 'extreme' gender-reveal party in New Hampshire was to blame for a number of cracked house foundations. Sara and Matt Taglieri were enjoying dinner at their home in New Hampshire when a deafening blast knocked pictures off their walls and shook their house's foundation. Their first thought was that there had been an accident at the concrete plant near their home. The massive explosion had come from a quarry by the plant, police said - but it had nothing to do with making concrete. Instead, a man detonated 80 pounds of explosives as part of an elaborate gender-reveal party stunt, the Kingston Police Department said. No injuries were reported, Kingston Police Chief Donald Briggs Jr. reported, but the blast frightened neighbors, left nearby homes with cracks on their walls and appeared to turn the local tap water brown. "We are all about celebrating happy moments like having a baby, but their celebration was felt and heard not only by different neighborhoods but through different towns," Sara Taglieri, 41, said. "It's not like we are upset because there was blue or pink confetti on our yard. It was such a large blast." Police said that the unidentified man who purchased and ignited the explosives had turned himself in and was cooperating with authorities. The incident remains under investigation and no charges have been filed, police told the Union Leader. --- ...Here's a fun one to go along with this... Gender-Reveal Party Fail! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gparty.html -<>- *--- Treasure hunter finds $46,000 in family's home ---* A Massachusetts family hired a professional treasure hunter to investigate decades-old rumors of money hidden in their home -- and he found $46,000 under the floorboards. Keith Wille, of Groton, Conn., said he was contacted by a Western Massachusetts family who told him about a rumor of a large sum of money that was concealed in their home in the 1950s. The family said they had hired carpenters to look inside walls and underneath floors in the past, but no trace of the rumored cash was discovered. Wille said he took his metal detector into the family's attic and it signaled there was something underneath the floor boards. A look with his endoscopic camera revealed a metal box hidden under the floor. Wille and the family pulled up the floorboards and opened the box, discovering $46,000 cash wrapped in original bank straps dating to the 1950s. "I'm just glad it was finally found," the homeowner said. She said the family has not yet decided what to do with the discovered cash. *--- Flying turtle attacks woman ---* A turtle crashed through the windshield of a car on a Florida highway and struck a 71-year-old woman in the head -- but both the woman and the reptile are expected to be OK. The Port Orange Police Department said a woman called 911 to report she had been driving on Interstate 95 when an object crashed through her windshield and struck her passenger, her 71-year-old mother, in the head. A driver who stopped to help during the 911 call identified the object that came through the glass as a turtle. Officer Andre Fleming, a police spokesman, said firefighters discovered the turtle was alive and apparently free of serious injuries. Fleming said firefighters released the turtle into the nearby woods. The driver of the vehicle said she didn't see the turtle until it was in the air and falling toward her windshield. Police said the animal may have been thrown into the air by a nearby vehicle. *--- Police respond to home invasion, find robot vacuum ---* Police responding to a report of an intruder at a California home broke down the front door and stormed the house to find the suspected burglar was actually the owner's robot vacuum. Yana Sydnor said she and her 2-year-old daughter were sleeping at their home when she was awakened by a sound she thought was an intruder in her home. "About 1 a.m. I hear, 'Boom, boom, boom,'" Sydnor told local news. Sydnor called 911 and hid in the bathroom with her daughter. She said she heard police break down her front door moments later, followed by the sound of laughter. The police discovered the suspected intruder was the family's robot vacuum. "My son turned on the vacuum cleaner because he didn't want to do chores before he left for the weekend. We hadn't used this vacuum in almost two years. It went down the stairs," Sydnor said. *--- Money launderer requests 'trial by combat' ---* A town jeweller found guilty of laundering money as part of a 1m (British pound) drug smuggling bid says he wants to fight against his conviction - literally. Appearing in the Royal Court yesterday, Darius Pearce (49) said he was hoping for his appeal to be dealt with via "trial by combat", as he made a representation before Commissioner Julian Clyde-Smith. Pearce was found guilty of money laundering in December at the end of a week-long trial, after he received cash from members of a criminal gang on three occasions in 2019. But police had been tracking their movements for months and swept down on the gang as they brought the drugs ashore. Pearce was arrested a day after the plot was foiled but, unlike the others, maintained his innocence. He also indicated he would be applying for his appeal to be dealt with by "trial by combat", given that the outcome of the appeal would either be his death or his freedom. The court noted that the right to trial by combat had previously been abolished in England, but apparently still exists in Jersey law. ========================================================= >-->From TheGroaner: __ / _,\ \_\ ,,,, _,_) # /) (= =)D__/ __/ // C/^__)/ _( ___// \_,/ -. '-._/,--' _\\_, / -//. \_ \_/ -,._ _ ) ) \/ / ) / / \-__,/ ( ( ( \.__,-)\_ )\_ / -( b'ger / -(//// //// >Boy or Girl? A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the light fixtures." -<>- >Scream Your Loudest A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss my four o'clock tee time. -<>- >The Sportsman's Double I met an older woman at a club last night. This isn't usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear. She asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3-some? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?" -<>- >Old Lady's Handbag I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a heck of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything. I finally decided that I should help. She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got that handbag. -<>- . . / `. .' \ .---. < > < > .---. | \ \ - ~ ~ - / / | ~-..-~ ~-..-~ \~~~\.' `./~~~/ \__/ \__/ / .- . \ _._ _.- .-~ ~-. / } \/~~~/ _.-'q }~ / } { ; \__/ {'__, / ( / { / `. ,~~| . . `''''='~~-.__( /_ | /- _ `..-' \\ // / \ =/ ~~--~~{ ./| ~-. `-..__\\_//_.-' { \ +\ \ =\ ( ~ - . _ _ _..---~ | | { } \ \_\ '---.o___,' .o___,' "Stegosaurus" >Q and A Quickies Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur? A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us. Q: What does a bum call a dumpster? A: Bed and Breakfast. Q: What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A: Try sewing buttons on a mosquito! Q: What brand of toothpaste to gerbils use? A: Arm And Hamster. Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: Because they always use honeycombs. |\ /| | || | | || | | || | | || | | || | | \/ | | (@)| | / | | /| | ]/|| [ | || | | || | | || | |( )| |_)(_|lc Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room? A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants. ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: E _ \ o .|.:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|. \/() \cjr//\/'.'.'.'.'.'.\//\\//\/ \7] \__, \/\\//\\/'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'\//\\//\/<,] /==() .:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|.:.|. >Story Time: This year I am bound and determined to get my garden planted early - and properly. Last year I got my tomatoes and peppers in before Mother's Day - but I went cheap on the soil. I picked up a couple big, white plastic bags of material with the word DIRT stenciled on them in black. They were only $3.99 per bag, but my tomato plants did not produce a single, edible tomato, and my pepper plants were so anaemic that the few peppers I did get did not grow any bigger than my pinkie finger. A disappointing year, so say the least. So this weekend the wife and I were at the garden center and I asked the woman behind the counter, "What is the absolute best thing to grow vegetables in?" She gave a thoughtful 'Hmmm' and turned around to a row of bags sitting on a little platform along the wall. "This stuff is 50 percent bat guano and worm castings," she said. "any vegetables you want to grow should do fine in this." "This stuff," she said pointing to the next bag in the row, "is a blend of organic cow manure, peat moss, potash and kelp meal. Vegetables just love this stuff." "And this stuff is mushroom compost." "Mushroom compote?" I asked. "Compost," she corrected me. "Is that stuff any good?" "This is the stuff marijuana growers use," she told me. "I'll take it," I said. "Just to give you a heads up," she added, "it's a little smelly, but that should go away in a few days. Pull your vehicle around to the side and I'll have one of our guys bring it out to you." When I pulled around I saw a teenager standing next to a dolly with a big, 40-pound bag on it. I got out and he heaved the bag into my arms. The initial wave that hit my sinuses from 10 inches away was arresting. It was boggy and moldy with a faint whiff of sulfur. It wasn't so much of a smell as it was an assault. And much to my dismay it was very wet. I could immediately feel it leaking through the bag into my shirt sleeves. I put the bag down and arranged a few scraps of paper and old magazines I had in the back of my truck to put the bag on, but picking it up with a squelch I knew the bag was going leak into the truck's carpeting. We were only a ten minute drive from the house, but the wife spent the whole time with her head out of the window. Not that I blamed her. I was trying to get my face into the wind, too. After getting the vile-smelling bag home and tucked away in a far corner of the yard I immediately stripped and washed my arms up to the shoulders. Then I rubbed my hands with rubbing alcohol, and the aroma still clung to my skin. To be perfectly honest I can just catch the faintest scent on my fingertips right now. This will give you an idea of what the stuff smells like; after we got home the wife let the dog out in the yard and she immediately walked over to where I had dropped the bag... as far away from the back door as I could manage. Mini gave one sniff and ran right back to the door. And this is an animal that likes to roll around on top of dead birds. Well, I don't plan on digging up my planters until next weekend. Maybe the scent will have subsided by then. All I can say is I better get some Blue Ribbon tomatoes come July. Laugh it up, Joe -<>- ((" ") <)) <\(> '\| |\ ________/|______| \_________ kOs "The thrill is gone from my marriage," one buddy told another. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked." -<>- A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!" "Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?" "Six," replies the boy. "Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?" "I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we'll be okay." "I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have any children?" "Well," says the boy, "so far we've been lucky." -<>- ,,,,, \ e e\ C _\/ |\\, )\_) \_ / _/|/_ _// ,'\ ~ /'-,_/ \ / \_/ / / , | \_._,-" ( < _' | \ \ ', -',-~.-' _/ ) | |// | ' ' ) | | | | ._., - |.,_ // _\-' )___|__|_ '-._ b'ger /____\__\ >As I Mature... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just aren't worth it. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place! I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away. -<>- The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is." The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" -<>- A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a laugh; "You're kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office." -<>- \_/ --(_)-- . / \ /_\ |Q| .-----' '-----. __ /____[SCHOOL]___\ ())) | [] .-.-. [] | (((()) ..|____|_|_|____|..................................)(... ldb >Things I never learned in high school: 1. What taxes are. 2. How to do taxes. 3. How to vote. 4. Anything to do with banking. 5. How to buy a car or a house. But I'm so glad I know the Pythagorean Theorem! ========================================================= >-->From LaughAndLift: "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." - Winston Churchill The Lift _|_ ____|____ #%@@ /~~~~.~~~~\ @@%# @%%#%%, /~~~~/ \~~~~\ ,%%#%%@ %%@@%%@%/~~~~/ : \~~~~\%@%%@@%% `@%%%@#@/____/ (X) \____\@%%%@#@` @@\@%%@`|.`.| ___ |.`.|`@%%@/@@ `#%/@ |:x:|| .||:x:| @\%#` || |:x:|| ||:x:| || -_|| _-|:x:||~ .||:x:|-_ ||_- !-!-!-!-!-|___||___||___|-!-!-!-!-!lc >It's What's Inside That Counts (By Roy Irwin) I have a very good friend who is a Geologist by trade. I joke with him saying that he never grew out of playing in the dirt as a child. But the truth is, he knows a lot about rocks! I cannot tell one type of rock from another. However to someone like my friend with a trained eye - he knows exactly what to look for to identify a rock. Several years ago we were traveling together through the mountains of North Carolina. We started seeing road signs which read: "Diamonds! Rubies! Precious Gems! Follow the signs to our Gem Mine!" How could we resist the invitation? We followed the signs to a company that had set up a makeshift site where you could pan for gold and gems. Hopeful 'prospectors' could buy bags of dirt that had been mined from the mountains - each guaranteed to contain a precious gem! Patrons were then invited to wash the dirt they had just purchased in a shallow pan with water. Most people can identify precious stones by their color, but, like myself, can not identify a gem in the rough - it looks just like any other rock. 'Fortunately', store employees were on hand to answer questions and tell people what they had discovered. Visitors 'lucky' enough to discover a gem could then take their prize rocks into the store, and for a fee, have it cut or polished and mounted into a ring or pendant. And wouldn't you know it, the day we were there, EVERYBODY had struck it rich! My friend and I walked behind the store employee as he explained to each person what he or she had discovered. "That's a ruby and a nice one at that!" said the store employee. I looked at my friend the Geologist who whispered, "It's not a ruby - it's just a rock." "Wow, look at the size of that sapphire, it's a real keeper, probably worth a lot!" I looked at my friend who shook his head. "Another rock" he said. Though my friend's knowledge of rocks is bad for the tourist trade, it is of real value to people who want to buy or build on land. He is frequently hired by companies and banks to help evaluate the worth of land before it is bought. Looking at the land is easy - anyone can see the trees, terrain, location, and layout. But to determine the land's true value, you have to look a little harder. That's where my friend's knowledge comes in. He knows that the real value of the land lies beneath the surface. A core sample taken from various depths and areas around the site can reveal a number of things about the land: Does it have special minerals that make it valuable? Does it have large areas of rocks that will make it more expensive to dig through? Does it contain hazardous waste that will make it unusable and unsaleable until the land is cleaned up? His evaluation will ultimately reveal the true value of the land. This same friend introduced me to Geodes. What is a Geode? He showed me a large rock that was unexpectedly lightweight for its size. My friend was so excited, but to me, it was just a rock and an ugly one at that! It was only when he cut the rock in two revealing what was inside that I realized why he was so excited. As my friend cut the geode in half, water poured out of it. You see, a geode has a hollow core that is filled with water, making it lighter in weight than a regular stone of the same size. The water, along with minerals that leech into the geode, form beautifully colored crystal formations on the inside of the rock. My friend turned the cut halves so that I could see the insides - it was absolutely breathtaking! I would never have guessed that something that looked so plain and worthless on the outside could be so beautiful on the inside. One glimpse at the interior beauty completely changed my opinion! The thing with geodes is, you never know for sure what you've got until you look inside. The same is true with people. How easy it is to fall into the trap of judging a person by their outward appearance. How easy it is to be attracted to or pushed away from a person simply because of what they wear, how they talk, where they live, what they own, who they know, etc. We see examples of this all the time: The restaurant that looks run down on the outside yet serves great food; or the person who lived their entire life in anonymity who makes a large donation to an organization. Who would have guessed just by looking at the outside? Fortunately, God doesn't look at the outside, He looks much deeper - He looks into the heart of man. In I Samuel 16:7 we read: "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."(NIV) Why would God look at the heart of man? Because the heart reveals what is truly important to a person; it reveals their character and all that makes up who and what a person genuinely is. "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man." Proverbs 27:19 (NIV) Maybe that's why Jesus spoke so often about the condition of each person's heart. And why He chose to live in the hearts of those who have made him the Lord of their life. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21 (NIV) What does your heart reveal about you? What treasure is found there? Would you find Jesus Christ sitting on the throne of your heart and life? If you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and He is your treasure and your hope, then your heart and life will reflect the love that He has shown for each of us. Perhaps you have never invited Jesus to come into your heart and made Him the Lord of your life. What better time to do that than now? Jesus has promised "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;" Ezekiel 36:26 (NIV) - a new life with Christ at the center! If you would like a changed heart and to know the love of Jesus in your heart, visit http://www.laughandlift.com/goodnews "O God, search me and know my heart. You are my greatest Treasure. Come and live in me, taking your place on the throne of my heart. Help me to live a life that reflects the love you have shared for each of us. Put a new spirit in me that embraces the whole of what you are - so that I can be more like you every day. Amen." [Copyright 1998 Argyle Giraffe Productions. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to freely copy (unmodified) without charge if reproduced in their entirety for non-commercial purposes. These documents may not be resold (or used for the enhancement of any product sold) without the written permission of Argyle Giraffe Productions.] -<>- _____ _ _____ ____ /_ /, | ,-, ) /'_`\ |_ _| | __| \ \> | `-'< | (_) | | | | _| ) )__ ,_ |_|`\_\ \___/ |_| |_| (_.-'_)__$ ;-'' pb >Quick Jokes "I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said. " 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse.' " -------- A successful business man goes into the doctor to ask about some abnormal symptoms. The doctor asks him, "What problems are you experiencing?" The business man tells the doctor, "I'm terrified of driving in dark places or with other people in the car." The doctor thinks for a minute then states, "That's easy to solve. You have car-pool-tunnel syndrome." -------- The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the UH student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas AM, "how about the opposite of woe? "The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." -------- Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? -<>- .----. /___.--'-. C '----' | ) .-----. | .| /_ / '''----' / ) / / \/'..'__/ / / / / / /\~~)__________ \(___________) | | | | | | | | | |(__) | | -abg >Bachelor's Guide to Knowing When Your Food is Expired FREEZER FOODS: ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out. FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. IN THE FRIDGE: EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite! MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Note: It is NOT recommended that you keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. ON THE SHELF: CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of... Very carefully. POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it. PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago. RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth. SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours. SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will. VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good. EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. -<>- ________________ '------._.------'\ \_______________\ .'| .'| .'_____________.' .| | | | | Scooby _.-. | . | | * (_.-' | | | Snacks | .| | * * | .' |______________|.' LGB >Some Dog Quotes: "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket, then give Fido only two of them." "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck SUBSCRIBE INFO Want to receive a Christian inspirational item AND great clean humor in an email to you each day of the week? It's easy and FREE! Read all about Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Fun Science Facts! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/science.html Cartoon Lip Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lipart.html Chalk Art 7!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart7.html A Little Froggy!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/frogart.html Wall Mural Art 4!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wallart4.html All Occasion Cakes 3!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/aocakes3.html Real Life Mermaid!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mermaid.html The REAL Mowgli!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/realmowgli.html Hand Painting Art 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hpaint2.html Funny Animal Facts!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/zoo2.html God's Most Beautiful!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mostbeautiful.html Akiane Child Prodigy!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/prodigy.html Cool Optical Illusions!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/optical.html Having Fun With Pun!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/punnyanimals.html Wang Yu's Little Critters!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chinaart.html Longleat's Monkey Shines!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/monkeyshines.html Mom's And Dad's Index! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/momsanddadsindex.html -<>- >From Our Friend Fran :) Prepare to be amazed - The dog cake https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOyibd6tDvo --- ...Wowsers! Sweet! Thanks Fran! -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseAu :) Robert Irwin is the son of the late "Crocodile Hunter," Steve Irwin. The 13-year-old boy takes after his father, and knows so much about these exotic zoo animals. You have to see the animals he brought with him during his recent visit on The Tonight Show. Press play to watch this young animal expert in action. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8m-KThvtxA --- ...Great! Loved it! Miss Steve! Thanks LouiseAu! -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) The Durham train trestle has stood its ground for the last 100 years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_6e7-lDo_w And This one follows -11Foot8's Evil Little Brother https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3-UugI0JoA This is what was burning... http://tinyurl.com/mp6sv69 --- ...LOL! Thanks Linda! These reminds me of our series starting here... Life's Little Oops! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops.html ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you're one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right." -Jimmy Fallon "Today is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover, where families gather for a meal and recall a story of ancient grievances. Or as that's known in my family, 'Thanksgiving.'" -Conan O'Brien "A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door." -Seth Meyers "A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news - someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad." -Conan O'Brien "According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they're planning to open a second checkout lane." -Seth Meyers "There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They're calling it 'pawternity' leave. Paid time off for pets should not be a thing. Here is how that discussion should go: 'Excuse me, boss, I want to get a new dog, but I need a week off to bond with the animal.' And your boss goes, 'Oh, OK, cool. You're fired.'" -James Corden "A controversial 1,200-year-old document has been found that shows evidence that Jesus was married. I don't believe it. What married guy gets to spend all his free time with his 12 buddies?" -Conan O'Brien "The Cleveland Zoo announced today that its rare black rhinoceros is pregnant. They made the announcement right after she confirmed it with her rhino-cologist." -Seth Meyers "Chipotle is considering opening a new restaurant that specializes in hamburgers. After what their burritos did, Chipotle now wants to ruin a new set of buns." -Jimmy Fallon >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah Shangy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->ShangyFunList AD RATES: $26 will get your a message (of up to 40 words) out to all web site list readers. Email me to secure dates. Ad Request ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe **********************************************************************