Happy Johnny Appleseed Day... :) Shangy!
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================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
AND For Facebook Users:
Please Friend Me / Like Me here...
http://tinyurl.com/cma6all
AND For Google Plus Users:
You can find me here... Shangy Bigham
https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts
AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family!
^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :)
-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Today's smoking hot new page is from our friend PatDeE.
Here's where you can go to have some fun interacting with
wild animals without anyone getting hurt including the
animals. Some may say its a little TOO up close and personal!
Be sure to check this one out here...
Werribee Open Range Zoo
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/werribeezoo.html
---
...Looks like fun! A wonderful virtual visit! Thanks PatDeE
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously
heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you
got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at
his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" ...and
he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the
world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and
from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til
six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same
voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in
regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high
quality and the voice is simply astounding."
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says
Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-
resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The
flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains
Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes to
show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch
is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital
tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters,
a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all,
the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,
"though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" as the stranger pulls out his
checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it
ready for merchandising in six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it
in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and
now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the
watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to
wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
September 26 is Johnny Appleseed Day
September 27 is Crush a Can Day and Oktoberfest begins in Germany
September 28 is Ask a Stupid Question Day and National Good Neighbor
Day
September 29 is Confucius Day
September 30 is National Mud Pack Day
October 1 is International Frugal Fun Day, National Homemade Cookies
Day, World Vegetarian Day and World Card Making Day
October 2 is National Custodial Worker Day, Name Your Car Day and
Oktoberfest in Germany ends, date varies
=======================================================
___
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>-->Apple Jokes For Johnny Appleseed Day!
Q: Why did the apple cry?
A: It’s peelings were hurt!
Q: What do you call an apple with tummy problems?
A: A tooty fruity!
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Q: What did the apple tree say to the hungry caterpillar?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: What kind of apple isn’t an apple?
A: A pineapple.
__
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Q: What reads and lives in an apple?
A: A bookworm.
Q: What kind of apple has a short temper?
A: A crab apple.
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Q: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
A: Keeps everyone away.
Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple!
There really was a Johnny Appleseed and his real name was John
Chapman. He was born in Leominster, Massachusetts in 1774. His
dream was to produce so many apples that no one would ever go
hungry.
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9 Facts That Tell the True Story of Johnny Appleseed
http://mentalfloss.com/article/62113/9-facts-tell-true-story-johnny-appleseed
Now ya know! :)
=========================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
,_
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>Math Class
The test I gave my elementary school math class covered everything
we'd studied all year -- fractions, percentages and portions of
whole units.
But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question
"What portion of a foot is six inches?"
One student answered, "The toes?"
-<>-
>Things You Wish You Would Hear
>From your auto mechanic:
"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire - No charge."
>From a store clerk:
"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your
purchases with a pencil and paper."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at
your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund -
whichever you prefer."
>From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."
>From a dentist:
"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."
>From a restaurant server:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but
since you ask, it's Tim."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."
>From a telemarketing person:
"I'm sorry, did I reach you at a bad time? Here's my number...just
call me back if you would like to hear my sales pitch."
"I understand that you are not interested. Thank you for your time."
"Click" (Them hanging up)
>From your boss:
"You look tired today. Take the rest of the day off."
"The company offered me a 25% raise, but I told them that you
deserved it more than I do."
>From your teacher/professor:
"Homework is unproductive and too time consuming."
"I do not like teaching assistants, so I will be available at all
times to answer your questions."
>From a tech support technician:
"Just press the space bar and everything will be fine."
>From your doctor:
"You are in better shape than someone half your age!"
"This is such an interesting case, I'll treat you for free just for
the learning experience."
"Take this pill once a month and you'll be at your perfect weight
without exercise or changing your diet."
>From the Psychic Hotline:
"I see that you will be scammed out of a lot of money in the near future."
>From a telephone answering system:
"If you would like to speak to a human being, press one."
>From a clothing salesperson:
No, that looks too big. Let's try a smaller size."
>From the IRS:
"We mad a mistake. You only received half of what your tax return
should have been."
-<>-
>Welcome to California
This was sent to me by a member of the Good Clean Fun mailing list.
He wrote it for his son and daughter-in-law when they moved to
California from the east coast. He indicated that there was talk
about checking his medication after they had read it. -Tom
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA - FINANCING IS AVAILABLE
An introduction to the new resident to California.
GEOGRAPHY AND PEOPLE
Distance: Before you can understand the geography of California you
must understand how we measure distance. There are no miles in
California, only hours. Ask anyone in this state how far a place is
from where you are and they will give you the distance in hours, not
miles. To help new residents and Californians traveling to the east
coast, the Los Angeles Times periodically publishes tables for
converting hours to miles.
The state can be broken down into six distinct geographical areas:
Southern California - Southern California is the area bounded on the
south by Mexico, on the east by the Mojave Desert, on the west by the
Pacific Ocean, and extends to just north of Santa Barbara. The area
includes Los Angeles and San Diego. There is a common misconception
that people actually live in the houses in Southern California. This
is not true. Southern California is actually the world's only moving
condominium.
Central California - Central California is the sparsely populated
refugee center for Southern California that starts just north of
Santa Barbara and extends to just south of San Francisco. The area
is bounded on the west by the Pacific Ocean and the east by the
Coast Range.
Northern California - Everything north of San Francisco. This is an
area populated by trees and people disguised as trees.
Central Valley - The largest valley in the United States. Bounded on
the north by Northern California, on the west by the Coast Range, on
the east by the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and on the south by the
capital city of Oklahoma (Bakersfield). Probably the richest farming
area in the world, the Central Valley is the third most boring place
in the country. Iowa and Kansas had the first two places already
taken.
Mojave Desert - This area lies east of Southern California and south
of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It extends into Nevada, Arizona, and
Mexico. It is hot, dry, and inhospitable, but it is one of the great
wonders of California. I must correct one common myth. The Mojave
was not created by Charleton Heston for El Cid. It was created by
Monte Hall for Let's Make a Deal.
Sierra Nevada - Humungous mountains along our eastern border.
LANGUAGE AND NAMES
California was originally settled by the Spanish. Spanish and Indian
names are common in all of California.
Port Hueneme - Pronounced "wy nee mee" locally, it is pronounced
"hew en a ma" by easterners. The eastern pronunciation actually is
very close, since the word means "high colonic" in Spanish.
Point Mugu - Originally a home for near-sited explorers.
Camarillo - Pronounced "cam a ree yo". Currently the location of a
hospital for the criminally insane, the name means "say what?" in Spanish.
Los Angeles - Literally "the angels". The name is derived from a
local baseball team.
San Diego - This is actually a mispronunciation of the Spanish
words for a self-centered beach worshiper.
Ojai - Pronounced "o hi" This is the first place the Spanish
encountered local Indians.
Pismo Beach - Originally a convenience stop for the Spanish
explorers.
Arroyo Grande - "Large creek" in Spanish. Named shortly after Pismo Beach.
Oceano - The "ocean" in Spanish. Named shortly after Arroyo Grande
(there were a lot of explorers).
Grover Beach - Settled by a guy named Grover who settled here
knowing all about Pismo Beach, Arroyo Grande, and Oceano.
San Francisco - Named for the patron saint of strange people.
WEATHER
California has four distinct seasons:
Summer - hot, earthquakes
Fall - wild fires, earthquakes
Winter - rains, earthquakes
Spring - mud slides, earthquakes
FOOD
California has almost every style of food, but Mexican food must be
explained. Mexican food has three types - real Mexican food only for
the purists, Mexican-American food for most of us, and Taco Bell for
the tourists. Real Mexican salsa has been produced in large
quantities recently since it has been found that it can be used as
both a food and a paint remover.
-<>-
>The Rush Job Calendar
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs.
All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar
a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three
Fridays in every week.
3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow
for end-of-the-month panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late
delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with
non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping
the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
-<>-
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`"""""""""""`
>The Golfing Preacher
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he
could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was
shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do... play golf or give
the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He
called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to
take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up
and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize
him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished
for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit
a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to
the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in
basketball, "nothing but net"). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was
amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging
Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseA :)
)
(
)
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jgs `""""""""""""`
>SMILES
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini
marts to get myself a cup of freshly-brewed coffee.
When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew
was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.
"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was
standing behind the store counter.
She shrugged. "Don't know. Been workin' here only two weeks."
--------
One day while driving with my 4-year old-daughter, I beeped the horn
by mistake.
She turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that cuz you didn't say 'YOU JERK!'"
--------
So the reporter asks the coach, "Is there any truth to the rumor
that your new quarterback is dumb?"
The coach replies, "Well, he makes straight A's."
The reporter, suitably impressed, says, "Wonderful!"
"But," says the coach, "his B's are kind of crooked."
--------
"Did your injury happen when you were on the football team?"
"No, sir, it happened when the football team was on me."
--------
Back in 1991, Steve Spurrier told Florida Gator fans that a fire at
Auburn's football dormitory had destroyed 20 books.
"But," he said, "the real tragedy is that 15 of them hadn't been colored yet."
--------
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
--------
>OLDIE THOUGHTS
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(_/T\_)
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just
one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE,
it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider
web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3
hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young,
I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero
out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or
talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget
5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for
money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead
and call it a day.
14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope
you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on
Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin
to pick up speed.
---
...LOL! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
SEPTEMBER SURPRISE - Ambassador Stevens Fiancé Releases New Book
That CRUSHES Hillary About Benghazi
Ambassador Chris Stevens’ former fiancée, Lydie Denier, said that
former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resigned because she knew
just how badly she had bungled the Benghazi debacle.
http://conservativetribune.com/amb-stevens-fiancee-book/
PROOF: FBI NEVER Had Any Intention Of Prosecuting Hillary Clinton!
http://tinyurl.com/zvh8sod
Bibi Meets The Donald In NYC And Tells Him A Thing Or Two About
Building A Wall
http://tinyurl.com/hwy5p9z
Netanyahu Takes Shot At Obama’s Golf Obsession… It’ll Leave You In
STITCHES
http://conservativetribune.com/netanyahu-shot-obamas-golf/
BREAKING: Bruce Springsteen Is Losing MILLIONS Of Fans Over What He
Just Did
http://conservativetribune.com/bruce-springsteen-said-trump/
BREAKING: Muslims Demand Army Change Its Dress Code To Include
Turbans And Beards
http://tinyurl.com/zcxxugv
The Clintons Let This Man Die to Distract From Bill’s Mistresses
http://tinyurl.com/htnjpl5
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
A Pennsylvania state trooper says an extremely drunk woman met him
at the door wearing underpants and holding two yellow roses she
wanted him to accept as part of her "cop fantasy" -- that's all
before he charged her with drunken driving instead.
Trooper Thomas Laskey went to a residence after a motorist
reported they were following a car that had been driving erratically
on Interstate 99.
Laskey says 40-year-old Monica Barnhart answered the door and
matched the description he had of the driver -- except that she had
taken off her blue jeans and was wearing only underpants.
Police say Barnhart eventually acknowledged driving the car and that
her blood alcohol content was more than four times the legal limit
for drivers.
No word on whether he helped her fulfill her fantasy.
*-- Boy, 8, brings dead squirrel to school, says he wants
'squirrel dumplings' --*
OKLAHOMA CITY - An Oklahoma City mother whose 8-year-old son was
found to have a dead squirrel in his bag at school said the boy
took his father's jokes a little too seriously. Ladye Hobson
posted a photo to Facebook of the late rodent taking its final
rest in the boy's school bag, explaining the discovery at school
had led to an awkward phone call from the principal of Gatewood
Elementary in Oklahoma City. Hobson wrote: "When the principal
calls to tell you that your son has made her day, so you get
excited for the good news... Only to find out that the faculty
has discovered a dead squirrel in his backpack (yeah, that $50
Pottery Barn backpack). When asked by the principal what
possessed him to pick up this dead squirrel and store it in his
backpack, my son replies with 'I really wanted squirrel dumplings
for dinner tonight.' Then, she asks if I actually want the
squirrel to come home with him. Y'all, I had to explain that we
are from the country, but we're not THAT country. (Sorry if any
of you actually eat squirrel dumplings - I don't mean that to be
offensive). She said 'it looked so peaceful lying there in his
bag,' then sent me this picture..." Hobson said her son, Brylan,
apparently thought his father was serious when he repeatedly
joked about making "squirrel dumplings" for dinner. The mother
said in a blog post that Brylan came home in tears and apologized
profusely, but she decided "he gets a free pass on this one." "I
can't even be mad at this point. He has made the principal's day,
after all," she wrote.
*-- Oregon woman totals car when spider drops from rearview
mirror --*
PORTLAND, Ore. - Authorities in Oregon said a woman who lost
control of her car and totaled the vehicle told investigators she
was spooked by a spider. The Washington County Sheriff's Office
tweeted a photo Wednesday from the scene of a morning crash in
Portland's northwest Bonny Slope area. ,Investigators said the
car, which ended up upside-down, went off the road when the driver
lost control of the vehicle. The driver, who suffered only a minor
scratch to her hand, said she panicked when a spider dropped from
her rearview mirror. Deputies said the car was totaled and there
was no sign of the spider at the scene. "Spider season in full
swing," the sheriff's office tweeted. "Driver not injured after
crash when spider drops from mirror on NW Thompson Rd today."
* Hotel provides framed photos of Jeff Goldblum at guest's request *
SANTA MONICA, Calif. - A hotel provided several framed photos of
actor Jeff Goldblum in a guest's room to honor his strange request.
Seth Freedland, a speechwriter for Nike, showed off the framed
photos in a Facebook post during his stay at the Huntley Hotel in
California.
"When I made my reservation at the Huntley, I was asked if there was
anything else they could do to make my stay more comfortable,"
Freedland wrote. "I thought about it, and thought about what might
delight the [girlfriend], and asked if they might be able to place a
few framed photos of Jeff Goldblum in the room."
Freedland said he was unsure if the request would be honored, but
arrived to find three different photos of Goldblum at various points
in his career.
A photo of a young Goldblum was placed on one of the nightstands,
while two more recent pictures of the actor were placed on a desk
and in the bathroom.
Freedland also shared a photo of his girlfriend smiling while
holding one of the photos.
* Darth Vader picks up trash alongside adopted Virginia highway *
BLACKSBURG, Va. - A Virginia man who adopted a stretch of highway
under the name Darth Vader donned the costume of the Star Wars
character while cleaning up roadside trash.
Darth Vader, aka Henry Wakley, was spotted Thursday wearing a
version of the Sith Lord's costume with an orange reflective vest
at the side of Route 460 in Blacksburg.
Wakley adopted the stretch of highway last year and a sign at the
side of the road states it was adopted by "Darth Vader."
Wakley, who spends most of his time in New Zealand on business,
said he decided to don Darth Vader's robes and pick up some trash
while in town for a couple of weeks.
"I like to get out here and dress up because it makes people smile
driving by," Wakley told WSBS-TV. "The lack of cleanliness
disrupts me."
Wakley said he hopes using the Dark Side of the Force for good will
inspire others to keep their roads clean.
"We need to end this destructive behavior to restore the galaxy,"
Wakley said.
He said he had a humorous run-in with police this week when someone
reported "Batman" walking along the side of the highway, but
officers arrived to find Darth Vader doing his civic duty.
The Virginia Department of Transportation thanked Vader for his
service to the community.
"VDOT Salem District would like to thank Darth Vader for helping us
keep our roadways 'in the galaxy' clean. He took a break on Friday
from his busy schedule and used the force to pick up trash along
Route 460 in Blacksburg, a highway he adopted as part of the Adopt-
-Highway Program," the department said in a Facebook post.
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend Linda :)
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My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the
wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while
she was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she
returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the
shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy
paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally,
in desperation, I undid the toilet seat. Julie wrapped a sheet
around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to
free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well,
Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...I just never
saw one mounted and framed."
-<>-
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&&&&&&'(/````\ /````\)'&&&&&&
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&&&`/\:` .-.-. `:/\`&&&
.&&&( ) .'._,_.'. ( )&&&.
&&&&&&&&\ \` ` `/ /&&&&&&&&
&&&&&&&&&\ `---` /&&&&&&&&&
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&&&&&&&&&&& `"""` &&&&&&&&&&&
&jgs&&&&&&' '&&&&&&&&&
>They Walk Among Us and Many of them Work Retail:
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back 46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake
in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated
and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her
the Money back... same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64!
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one
-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed
me my 2 free Lattes and I walked out the door.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
and said, "Where"?
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep
up with all that stuff."
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
were 10% off today. As it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
-<>-
____
_[____]_
( '7')
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>Getting old...
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen...
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when
one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 95 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple...
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend
it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The
one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties...
are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the
doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want
to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old
man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking...
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art..
It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know
who could use a good laugh....
---
...OH My! LOL! Thanks Linda!
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
sSSSSSSs
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My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated
cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she
was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get
moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a
book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided
to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was
working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple
of years ago."
-<>-
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to
attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his
car-pool members to let them know that he would not be
leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it
on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without
me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this
note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You
drove, you idiot."
-<>-
hi joe, oddly enough i heard this joke from an evangelist in
a revival meeting in my local church.
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler,
at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab,
run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at
several intersections in a row the motorist followed him
until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again
jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The
motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey
but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have
20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep
half of them flying at all times."
Thanx for the daily laughs I don't have to feel guilty about!
--Thomas. Spanaway, Wa.
[This was a good one Tom. Just when I thought I've heard 'em
all somebody comes up with a gem.]
-<>-
"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to
the little boy.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you
really expect me to believe that story?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had
to force him, but he ate it!"
-<>-
While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council
office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing
street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking
about the NATO phonetic alphabet.
She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded
to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..."
But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked
for help.
I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?"
"Underwear?" she replied.
-<>-
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the
mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much
about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If
he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
-<>-
When my brother was about 20 years old and going to college
in Portland, Oregon, he used to call our parents in Long
Beach, California every time he needed money. He also use
to take a bus every chance he would get to come home for
the week ends, with the support of our parents.
One night he called from Porland and ask our mother if they
would send him some extra money to fly home, since he was
getting tired of the buses. When our father heard this he
yelled from across the room, "Tell him to stick a feather
up his butt and fly home!"
My brother said, "What did Dad say?"
Our mother answered, "He said, you'll have to take the bus
home, dear."
-<>-
The poster that "stacey" was talking about probably is one
from a selection of "demotivators", a selection of poster
that are parodies of the Motivation posters that are so
popular in offices these days. Quotes with very appropriate
and inspiring pictures. For example:
Arrogance:
"The Best Leaders Inspire by Example. When that's not an
option, brute intimidation works pretty well too."
Fear:
"Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you
will not know the terror of being forever lost at Sea."
Sacrifice:
"Your role may be thankless, but if you are willing to give
it your all, you just might bring success to those who out-
last you."
and my favorite right now...
Irresponsibility:
"No Single Raindrop believes it is to Blame for the Flood."
[Thanks to Kevin Osborn for providing the list.]
=========================================================
>-->From TheMouth:
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>The Top 14 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well
14. The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the
bride's ankle cuff.
13. You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because
of that week-old restraining order.
12. The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp
insists on giving her away.
11. Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't
remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.
10. At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a
Kool-Aid toast.
9. Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately,
it's when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.
8. The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting
over who gets to wear the dress.
7. "Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your...."
6. When the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew shows up to
help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes
alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.
5. "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.
4. After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk
asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.
3. You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the
church.
2. The groom refuses to put the ring on your finger, saying,
"Not the Preciousssss!"
1. You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you
could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a
dominatrix in Singapore.
-<>-
_
_ /_)
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(( @ @ ))
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\ ___, /
\_ _/ jgs
`--'
>** THE PERKS OF BEING OVER THE HILL **
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable
size.
-<>-
>Points to Ponder
sSSSSSs
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/_/|/_/|
**How do you get off a non-stop flight?
**How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
**How many weeks are there in a light year?
**If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear
his Walkman?
**If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get
mistletoe?
**If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
**If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then
what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
**If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
**If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales
look the way they do?
**If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog
horns out of?
**If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
**Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of
a running child?
**Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
**Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are
already there?
**Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?
-<>-
, ,
___('-###-')__
'.__./ \__.'
_ _ _ .-' 6 6 \
/` `--'( ('--` `\ |
/ ) ) \ \ _ _|
| ( ( | (0_._0)
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| | \ / | |
jgs | | _| | _| |
/ \""` `""/ \
| __| | __|
`"""` `"""`
>Remember Life's "Laws"
1. The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier
to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.
10. 1/4th of women polled said they would rather have beauty than
brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
The rest said they'd just as soon do without a man that couldn't
handle their intelligence along with their beauty!
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Real ANGRY Birds!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angrybirds.html
Western Scrap Metal Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/scrapmetalart.html
Colorful Birds 3!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/birds3.html
Real Eagle Story!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eagle.html
Endangered Wolf!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wolf.html
Maria The Goose!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/goose.html
Mouse Vs Leopard!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mouse.html
World Of Peacocks!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/peacock.html
Leopard Vs Crocodile!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopard.html
Junkyard Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/junkart.html
Wood Chip Art!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/woodart.html
Running Horses!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/runninghorses.html
Fall And Halloween INDEX!
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/halloweenindex.html
-<>-
>Please Visit This Link to Get New Traffic For Shangrala :)
Fun Pages
http://www.funpageexchange.com/go.php?uid=3559
-<>-
>Follow Me On StumbleUpon:
http://tinyurl.com/jzuxn2f
-<>-
>From AFA:
Join the National Life Chain Sunday, October 2
Stand with thousands of pro-life individuals throughout the USA and
Canada in honor of millions of babies whose lives have been lost to
abortion. Pray for people in crisis situations and for our nations.
http://www.lifechain.net/
-<>-
>From Franklin Graham: A Campaign For God
http://tinyurl.com/z63r7vf
-<>-
>From Our Friend Fran :)
She sent us one that I found analyzed for us here:
Two states in the middle of America. Illinois & Oklahoma:
https://www.truthorfiction.com/oklahoma-illinois/
---
...Well, this was mostly true! Thanks Fran!
-<>-
>From Our Friend Linda :)
She sent us a fun one we have here...
Chalk Art 9
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart9.html
---
...HaHa! I love that little cute Sluggo! Thanks Linda!
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
An incredible magic performance by 'Kamyleon' at the 'World's
Greatest Cabaret' in Paris, France.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzKJw7KBhe8
I get a backache just watching this young lady contort her body. The
unbelievable Zlata is from Slovenia, and is one of only a handful of
people in the world that can bend their bodies in this way.
Apparently the key to her incredible ability is her ligaments, which
have not hardened as most adults' typically do. Be prepared to be
amazed (and wince!) when watching this video of her performing on
Slovenian show, "No Kidding":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x35DOpi6i_4
---
..Geesh! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"Recently a new cookbook written by former president Clinton
came out. Think about this for a second: a couple of years
ago did you ever think you would see the day where Bill Clinton
would be writing a cookbook and Martha Stewart would be the
target of an ethics probe?"
-Jay Leno
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got
together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we
can't call it Jumping up and down."
-Rita Rudner
"I understand the importance of bondage between parent and
child."
-Dan Quayle
"There's a new survey out on airport hygiene. A guy stood in
the back of an airport men's room all around the country and
recorded how often men washed their hands after using the
restroom. In the Toronto airport, 5 percent of the men didn't
wash their hands after using the restroom. At LAX, 30 percent
of men did not wash their hands after using the restroom. And
at Kennedy airport in New York, 50 percent of the men beat up
the guy who was watching them go to the restroom."
-Jay Leno
"Two men successfully sued Taco Bell for $11 million because
they claim they invented the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Not only
that, Taco Bell is being sued by a third man who claims he
invented diarrhea."
-Conan O'Brien
"'Forbes' magazine came out with its list of the 400 richest
Americans. Once again, Bill Gates is the richest man in the
country. Not surprisingly, the richest woman is J. Lo's
wedding planner."
-Conan O'Brien
"So much of what we call management consists in making it
difficult for people to work." --Peter Drucker
"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is
in having lots to do and not doing it." -Mary Wilson Little
"Canada is the vichyssoise of nations. Cold, half-French and
difficult to stir."
-Stu Keate, former Vancouver Sun publisher.
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked if
I had any questions. I said yes, just one, if you're in a
car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your head-
lights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer
that. I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then."
-Steven Wright
"The good thing about my job is I get to go to lots of over-
seas places, like Canada." --Britney Spears
"When you're a dad you can't keep your cool car. Fancy stereo,
power windows' sunroof - the kids will kill all that stuff.
Take an ordinary cookie. In the hands of a kid it becomes a
sugar hand grenade. You take the car into the shop because
chocolate chips are clogging the carburetor." --Sinbad
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
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