Happy Labor Day! ... :) Shangy!
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===========================
** PLEASE SEND ANY COOL FORWARDS MY WAY - I Love them,
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into pages for the web site for all to enjoy for years to come!
*~* Thank You So Much!
==============================================================
>-->From The FunnyBone: The Cynic's Guide to Life
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in
your underwear during a fire drill.
_ ___
\.\'.\ 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses.
\'\'.\ Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
__\.\:/_//
{{{{{(__(") 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
jgs `~~~~ >>>^ Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
alone.
4. If you don't
like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's
why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.
.--.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. _/aa/ \
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end (T_, \_/ ,
of his chain and gag himself. )="`------.))
o| / /
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. .' \ /__\ (\
So if you're going to steal _.' |\ \ _/ / \
the neighbors's newspaper, jgs ..-`"` (_(_/ (__/(_/
that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it
and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car
windows are down.
10. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on
the neighbors's car.
11. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.
It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
13. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your
land.
14. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to
get off and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
====================================================================
+---------------- Bizarre Holidays Part 1------------------+
SEPTEMBER
September 1 is Emma M. Nutt Day
September 2 is National Beheading Day
September 3 is Skyscraper Day
September 4 is Newspaper Carrier Day
September 5 is Be Late For Something Day
September 6 is Fight Procrastination Day
September 7 is Neither Rain Nor Snow Day
September 8 is National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day
September 9 is Teddy Bear Day
September 10 is Swap Ideas Day
September 11 is No News Is Good News Day
September 12 is National Pet Memorial Day and National
Chocolate Milkshake Day
September 13 is Defy Superstition Day
September 14 is National Cream-filled Donut Day
September 15 is Felt Hat Day
===============================================================
>-->From Our Friend Viv :)
>Tie Breaker
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican
candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There
was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a
week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle
things. The candidate who caught the most fish at the end of the week
would win the election.
After much back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest
would take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch
for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end
of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and had ten
fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just
having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch
up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day, John Mc. came in with 20 fish, and Obama came
in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said,
'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want
you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on
him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry said to
Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'
Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's
cutting holes in the ice!'
_____
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.'/ _|. /______ .'. `-.__. __.-' `-. ._
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------------- `-----' _.-
------------'
Moral of the story:
Experience Always Counts!
-<>-
>The $1.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked
incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
.-~-.
.' '.
/ \
.-~-. : ;
.' '.| |
/ \ :
: ; .-~""~-,/
| /` `'.
: | \
\ | /
`. .' \ .'
jgs `~~~` '-.____.-'
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Send this to the Seniors in your life.
I'm sure they'll appreciate it!!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
---
...TeeHee! Good Ones Viv! Thanks!
==============================================================
>-->TIPS From Our Friend Jo Ann :)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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8 8888888888888888888888888P" 8888 oooooooooooooooo
8 8888888888888888888888P" 8888 8 8
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8 8888888888888888P" 8888 8 d88
8 8888888888888P" 8888 8 d888
8 8888888888P" 8888 8 d8888
8 8888888P" 8888 8 d88888
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8 8888oooooooooooooooooooooocgmm8888 8 d8888888
8 .od88888888888888888888888888888888 8 d88888888
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d ...oood88888888888888888888888b 8d88888888888888
dood8888888888888888888888888888888888b
Sometimes your computer screen gets dusty or dirty.
This will clean your monitor for you, from the inside.
It worked wonders on mine, click on the link below.
https://emp.ucsd.edu/swf/screenclean.swf
---
...Cool! And also visit this little PC TIP page:
Tech Horror Stories
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tech.html
-<>-
>Talent!
___________ ____
______/ \__// \__/____\
_/ \_/ : //____\\
/| : : .. / \
| | :: :: \ /
| | :| || \ \______/ YOU GOT TALENT!
| | || || |\ / |
\| || || | / | \
| || || | / /_\ \
| ___ || ___ || | / / \
\_-_/ \_-_/ | ____ |/__/ \
_\_--_/ \ /
/____ /
/ \ /
\______\_________/
unknwon
Talent does not mean that you have to be an artist who paints
masterpieces, or a gymnast who does flips.
Talent resides within you right now, in many different ways.
Caring for others is a talent, teaching is a talent, making people
feel welcome is a talent, solving problems is a talent and parenting
is a talent.
Never underestimate your talents and try not to compare or wish for
the talents of others.
Focus on and accept the talents you have,
and you will find great fulfillment in life.
---
...Thanks Jo Ann - That is Sooo very true! As Christians, we are
all the body of Christ - we each have a special talent - like the
the bible so wonderfully explains...
1 Corinthians 12:
"12": For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members
of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ.
"13": For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be
Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to
drink into one Spirit.
"14": For the body is not one member, but many.
"15": If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the
body; is it therefore not of the body?
"16": And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of
the body; is it therefore not of the body?
"17": If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the
whole were hearing, where were the smelling?
"18": But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as
it hath pleased him.
"19": And if they were all one member, where were the body?
"20": But now are they many members, yet but one body.
"21": And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor
again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.
"22": Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more
feeble, are necessary:
"23": And those members of the body, which we think to be less
honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely
parts have more abundant comeliness.
"24": For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body
together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked:
"25": That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members
should have the same care one for another.
"26": And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or
one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.
"27": Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.
Each of us are very special and important to the whole Body of Christ.
-<>-
>August 2008
_
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Stef
One in two lifetime smokers will die from their habit - with a third of
those deaths occurring in middle age.
More than 6,500 people died of smoking-related illness in NSW last year.
11.7% of deaths in Australia each year are linked to smoking.
Tobacco is responsible for 1 in 5 cancer deaths in NSW.
NSW Health spends more than $250 million a year treating tobacco-related
illness. That's the equivalent of 3000 full-time nurses of 50,000
elective surgery procedures.
The indirect cost of smoking to the NSW economy, including lost
productivity and wages, has been estimated at $6.6 billion per year.
Smoking is by far the leading cause of lung cancer, with 4 out of 5 lung
cancers linked to tobacco.
Five year survival rates of most cancers in NSW are very high, with 63
percent of all cancers likely to be cured. But the survival rate from
lung cancer is just 14 percent.
Half of all people diagnosed with lung cancer will be dead within a year
of diagnosis.
---
Medical group has started a "Headache on the Hill" lobbying effort to
increase federal research money. A promising new kind of migraine drug
is in late-stage tests.
Most dramatically, scientists have overturned the theory that migraines
were "vascular headaches," caused mostly by the expansion and
contraction of certain blood vessels.
"The pain comes from the brain, and not the vasculature," said Dr. David
Dodick, a headache expert with the Mayo Clinic in Arizona.
What starts a migraine deep in the brain always has been a mystery. But
most migraine sufferers -- officially called migraineurs -- have
triggers that set the pain in motion. Stress, lack of sleep, hormones
and alcohol are common causes, but triggers are highly individual.
Everything from blue cheese to bright lights can cause migraines in
certain people. Scott is so sensitive to raw onions that just the smell
can touch off a headache.
"Basically, those of us with migraines, our knobs are cranked on 'high'
in our brains. We're more sensitive," said Peterson, who founded the
Oregon Headache Clinic in Milwaukie and an awareness group called
HEADquarters Migraine Management.
---
...Amazing! Thank You Jo Ann!
For Those who wish to quit smoking, this may help:
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/quitsmoking.html
I also found something else quite amazing. Yearly In the US, the
average death toll from car accidents is 45,000. That does include
how many are injured. Shocking huh? We take driving for granite
way too much. We need to be thinking and understanding that this
thing we do most every day is a killer and watch what we do!
?
! /_\
|C_,_/_____|
ejm98 | ||:::::f| O+
_/\
f /|
| \~\
The real hard facts is that Every 12 minutes, one person dies because
of a car accident. Every 14 seconds, a car accident results in an
injured victim. Horrible but true!
One person dies in the US every 13 minutes in a Car Accident- 115 killed
each day. 1.2 Million killed World Wide each year. This is unacceptable!
Visit here for more details:
http://www.car-accidents.co/
-<>-
>Peroxide, who knew? (Safer and Healthier than Bleach)
This was written by Becky Ransey of Indiana (a doctor's wife), and I
want to share it with you. She was over recently for coffee and
smelled the bleach I was using to clean my toilet and countertops.
This is what she told me...
I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little ole
bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store.
What does bleach cost?
My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most
doctors don't tell you about peroxide. Have you ever smelled bleach
in a doctor's office? NO!!! Why? Because it smells, and it is not
healthy! Ask the nurses who work in the doctor's offices, and ask
them if they use bleach at home.
They are wiser and know better!
Did you also know bleach was invented in the late 40's? It's
chlorine, Folks! And it was used to kill our troops. Peroxide was
invented during WWI in the 20's. It was used to save and help cleanse
the needs of our troops and hospitals. Please think about this.
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle)
and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do
it when I bathe.) No more canker sores, and your teeth will be whiter
without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash.
___ ___
/\ ..\_ _/ /\
\/\ _) (_'' /\/
\/\ o\ / . /\/
\/\_ ) ( _/\/
Faucet \/_)( )(_\/
____ (__\______________/__)
|___|\ |\ \ / /|
| \ Tube of | \ \ / / |
| \ toothpaste | \ \ / / |
| \ ___ | \ \ / / |
____ | \ ____ / _ \ ______ | \ \ / / |
|_||\|________\/|_||\___ / // // \ \ | \ \ / / |
________________________\-\ \_// \/-__ -\__ \__)(__/ __/---
\_________ / |||| [][][][][][][][][]
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
unknown
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of peroxide to keep them free
of germs.
3. Clean your counters and table tops with peroxide to kill germs and
leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you
wipe, or spray it on the counters.
4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it
to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had fungus on my feet for years until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture
of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and
let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes
several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal
with any medicine but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
7. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and
keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic
system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
8. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50
mixture whenever you have a cold, plugged sinus. It will bubble and
help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes, and then blow your
nose into a tissue.
9 If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right
away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten
minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
10. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the
50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through
You will not have the peroxide-burnt blonde hair like the hair dye
packages but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown,
reddish, or dirty blonde. It also lightens gradually, so it's not a
drastic change.
11. Put half of a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils,
fungus, or other skin infections.
12. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of
whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing,
pour it directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then
rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
13. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors. There is no smearing, which
is why I love it so much for this.
I could go on and on.
It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of
most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money
in such a simple, healthy manner!
This information really woke me up. I hope you gain something from
it, too.
Remember the Past.... Imagine the Future
---
...Thank You Jo Ann!! Peroxide is pretty cool. Remember though that it
kills all bacteria - the good and the bad - yea there is good bacteria -
it is the little army you have in your body that fights the bad
bacteria! So when you use it in your mouth, you need to understand that
you are killing your good little fighters too. So do it a little
sparingly - only as absolutely needed when you know the bad guys in your
mouth are winning over the good guys!
The little bubbling action peroxide does when put on something
tells you it is busy working and killing and disinfecting. Once the
bubbling is done, it is done.
-<>-
>CRABBY OLD MAN
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in Maine
was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they
found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that
copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now
the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
.-._.--._
/ /
-. |
\ |__
,-'______.-'
'( c-(_)(_)__
\ .._ . )
\ / `-'
/\-|\_ Awww Shut Up!!
/-. \ /
( , o)\
| | o)\
c - _/\\
/ \ \=====|
| //======|
| / =====_/
|/\===/=/
)==)=)
(==|=|
| |=|______
(_.-. ) )
'--''-' [nabis]
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses?...What do you see?
What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, .....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice.....'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .....the things that you do.
And forever is losing ....A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not.......lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding .....The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? ....Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am .....As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding......as I eat at your will
I'm a small child of Ten......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ........who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen....with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now....a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty....my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows......that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now ....I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ....And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ....My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ........With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons....have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me.......to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ....Babies play ' round my knee,
Again, we know children .......My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me ....My wife is now dead.
I look at the future. I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing......young of their own.
And I think of the years....... And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age....look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles......grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass ......A young guy still dwells,
And now and again .......my battered heart swells
I remember the joys.....I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living....life over again.
I think of the years. all too few.....gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact.....that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ....open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might
brush aside without looking at the young soul within......we will all,
one day, be there, too!
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or
touched. They must be felt by the heart.
====================================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
>From Liberty Counsel
First, I am very pleased to report that a federal district court
judge in Orange County, California, decided on Tuesday to
dismiss an overt attack on the federal Defense of Marriage Act.
Liberty Counsel intervened in this case when a same-sex couple
challenged the federal statute. We can all thank God that this
complaint was rightfully thrown out of court.
But in Florida, a coalition of pro-homosexual groups has resorted
to a campaign of lies and scare tactics to defeat that state's
Marriage Protection Amendment. Earlier, we soundly defeated the
ACLU's sad attempt to prevent the amendment from even getting
onto November's ballot.
The front group called "Florida Red and Blue" is airing television
ads during the Democratic National Convention that say they just
want to "keep government out of our private lives." This from
activists that filed eight separate lawsuits in 2004 alone seeking
to have government force same-sex marriage on all Floridians!
These radicals are even so deceitful as to suggest that
the amendment will cause seniors to lose certain
benefits if it passes - a despicable scare tactic that
has no basis in fact at all.
Thank you so much in advance for your prayers and your financial
support. This is a crucial hour in the defense of marriage.
http://www.lc.org/
Mathew Staver, Founder and Chairman
Liberty Counsel
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
. .
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-- Fat cat must remain publicity hound ------------
CAMDEN, N.J. - An overweight cat must maintain its
popularity as part of an adoption agreement by its owners,
animal control officials in New Jersey say. Camden County
Animal Shelter officials have contacted the adoptive owners
of Prince Chunk to inform them the once 44-pound cat must
continue making public appearances to capitalize on the
popularity of its recent rescue, the New York Post said
Friday. "When you expressed interest in adopting 'Prince
Chunk,' your family was aware of the special circumstances
surrounding him," a letter from the site to the cat's
adoptive family said. The cat's popular adventures began
after it was spotted in a pet store cage in Camden County,
where it was taunted on a regular basis due to its weight.
Enough funds were eventually raised through a save-a-stray
campaign to free the animal and area media turned its
rescue in a veritable circus, the Post reported.Meanwhile,
the New York Daily News said all the ongoing attention to
the cat may soon fall away as the feline has slimmed down.
Prince Chunk's owner, Donna Damiani, told the newspaper
that since its adoption, the animal has lost half of its
weight and currently only weighs 22 pounds.
-- Baggy pants trip up fleeing suspect -----------
ATLANTA - An Atlanta man trying to escape from police
tripped and fell as he tried to hold his baggy pants up,
officers said. Emmanuel Uzowihe, 21, allegedly pointed a
gun at the police officers as he lay on the ground, the
Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported. He was shot and
wounded. The incident near the Fulton County Courthouse
began when police tried to pull Uzowihe over because of
a traffic violation. He allegedly stopped his white Toyota
sedan but jumped out and ran away. Anthony Gentile, a
police investigator, said an officer followed Uzowihe,
ordering him several times to stop. Darrell Jackson said
he saw Uzowihe run past, cursing. Other witnesses and
police said Uzowihe already allegedly had his gun out
while he was running. "He was running pretty fast,"
Jackson said. "The only thing that messed him up is he
was trying to pull his pants up."
-- Yank fan's 7th-inning stretch from hell ----------
NEW YORK - A New York Yankees fan says he might sue after
he was allegedly ejected for trying to use the Yankee
Stadium men's room while a patriotic song was playing.
Bradford Campeau-Laurion told WCBS-TV in New York Thursday
that the seventh-inning stretch seemed like an opportune
time for a pit stop during Tuesday's game against Boston.
However a police officer allegedly blocked his departure
until the traditional recording of "God Bless America" was
finished playing. Campeau-Laurion said when he protested
that his priority at the moment was the rest room, two
officers pinned his arms behind him and gave him the bum's
rush out the gate. "He shoved me out the front gate and
told me get out of their country if I didn't like it,"
Campeau-Laurion said to the television station. A police
spokesman told WCBS that Campeau-Laurion was abusive and
appeared to be drunk, which Campeau-Laurion and the person
he was attending the game with both denied. The Yankees
have a policy that prohibits fans from wandering around
when "God Bless America" is playing, but the American
Civil Liberties Union said having the police throw someone
out for simply wanting to use the bathroom probably
crossed the line, WCBS said.
================================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
|\______________________/|
|| ||
|| _ _ _ ||
|| '_) '_) __ ' ) ||
|| ,_) >< ,_) -- | ||
|| ' ||
|| _____ ||
||_______________#####__||
jgs |/______________________\|
>KIDS!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
======================================================================
>-->From The Jokester:
.---------------.
/ oLo \
O/_____/________/____\O
/__________+__________\
/ (#############) \
|[**](#############)[**]|
\_______________________/
|_""__|_,-----,_|__""_|
| | '-----' | | APC'97
'-' '-'
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman
trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in front,
then backed up and hit the car behind her.
This went on about two minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined.
She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in
a while?"
-<>-
Men Are Good For Only One Thing
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to
complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like
this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel
park?"
-<>-
You Might Be a Bad Driver If...
Your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asphalt in 110
degree heat than accept a ride from you.
You go to leave the frat party stone sober and your room-mate still
insists on hiding your keys and calling a cab.
People ask you about "the accident", and you say, which one?
You've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeup
while on the freeway.
You slow down when coming to green lights... and speed up on yellow.
You hit a tree and your brother tells you your getting rusty because you
missed the center of the car by a fraction of an inch.
You take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering wheel to
help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the
freeway.
You use your knees for steering more than your hands.
You think red lights & stop signs are a suggestion
The police carry separate tickets with your information filled out
already.
You get pulled over for drunk driving and you are stone sober.
You think you have a flat when you hear thump, thump It's actually just
you clipping the orange and white barrels.
Curb? What curb?
You are the only car in the parking lot and you STILL hit a light pole.
You swerve to miss a tree... and it's your air freshener.
-<>-
New Parking Rules
____________
.F............T.
| .----------. |
| |',' ',' , | | _......_ .''''''''''.
| `----------' | _+' `+_ .' '.
_|.-. _...._ .-.|_ _/.-. _...._ .-.\_ _|.-. _...._ .-.|_
(_)`-' __[]__ `-'(_) (_)`-' __{}__ `-'(_) (_)`-' __/\__ `-'(_)
(....__|LESTER|__....) (....__|LESTER|__....) (....__|LESTER|__....)
| | ~~~~~~ | | | | ~~~~~~ | | | | ~~~~~~ | |
`-' `-' `-' `-' `-' `-'
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the
road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others
from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the
opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and
stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of
you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull
though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with
your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes
and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking
lots. While you’re at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that
Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his
way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall’s
parking lot, there isn't any!
-<>-
__
/\/'-,
,--''''' /"
____,'. ) \___
'"""""------'"""`-----'
pb
>The Doggy Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose
as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person
then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at
the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your
eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite
to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
If your person isn't home, it seconds as a fun chew toy.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog=92s response to the command "sit !", especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking
a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If
you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
-<>-
."";._ _.---._ _.-"".
/_.'_ '-' /`-` \_ \
.' / `\ \ /` \ '.
.' / ; _ _ '-; \ ;'.
_.' ; /\ / \ \ \ ; '._;._
.-'.--. | / | \0|0/ \ | '-.
/ /` \ | / .' \ | .---. \
| | | / /--' .-"""-. \ \/ \ |
\ \ / / / ( , , ) /\ \ | /
\ '----' .' | '-(_)-' | | '. / /
`'----'` | '. | `'----'`
jgs \ `/
'. , .'
`-.____.' '.____.-'
\ /
'-'
>"You Know You're A Dog Person When..."
You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the
house, but no babies.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen
sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are
nose-prints all over the inside.
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant
other.
You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
Your dog sleeps with you.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she
understands.
You like people who like your dog. You mistrust people who don't.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to
the movies with your sweetie.
You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the
very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves
to go with you.
You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups
pops out.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it
to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in
water.
You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard
yelling, "Emily, pee!" over and over again, while Emily tends to play
an forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of
your behavior is yet another story).
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your
dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from
the drugstore.
Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build
her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog
needs her walk.
You don't go to happy hours with coworkers any more because you need to
go home and see your dog.
Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike
(both days).
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your
dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the
first floor...).
Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog
gets a taste, too).
You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach
all her favorite spots.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is
afraid of the vacuum cleaner... Or you vacuum almost every day to keep
the flea population down.
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of
your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely
human.
And the number one reason you know you're a dog person:
Your dog is the star of your Web Site!
====================================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
_
______/ \-. _ _ __ _ _ _
.-/ ( o\_// / |..| \ / >--< \
| ___ \_/\---' \/ || \/ \| \ |/
|_|| |_|| |_''_| |_||_| wtx
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild
winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the
garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse
repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind
of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it
to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal
repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from
mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a
bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a
couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant
in the garage the whole time!"
-<>-
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at
the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came
up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do
to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
-<>-
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
. !__________! . _______
/_\ |____ ____| /_\ |__*__|
__|__ {____}{____} __|__ |__*__|
__|_*_|__%%%%%%%%%%%%__|_*_|__|__*__|__
| | %%%%%%%%%%%%%% | | |/ \|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
/||||||||||||||||||||\
||||||||||||||||||lc||
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
-<>-
Marketing VP: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing VP: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
==============================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
>From LynnLynn's Links:
Melva/A River Runs Through
http://silverandgoldandthee.com/Insp2/ARiverRuns.html
Ken w/ He's All I Need
http://gospelman.info/kenspoems/hesallineed.html
Judy w/ I Once Was Lost
http://frommyheart2u.com/inspirational/ioncewaslost
Howstuffworks "Why do we celebrate Labor Day?"
http://www.howstuffworks.com/question459.htm
Labor Day
http://www.geocities.com/heartland/2328/labor.htm
U.S. DOL - The History of Labor Day
http://www.dol.gov/opa/aboutdol/laborday.htm
Labor Day Fun Facts, Recipes, Barbecue & Party Ideas
http://www.chiff.com/a/labor-day.htm
Subtittles
http://www.buffaloschips.com/81834.htm
Super Scooper
http://www.buffaloschips.com/81835.htm
Super Sinek
http://www.buffaloschips.com/81836.htm
Super Tounge
http://www.buffaloschips.com/81837.htm
Surprise
http://www.buffaloschips.com/81838.htm
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send
a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
=========================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Joe
Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down
to a game of Barack-paper-scissors." -Jimmy Kimmel
"The air quality in New York is getting worse and worse. I
was walking thought Central Park during my lunch hour and,
honest to God, you could hear the birds coughing."
-Dave Letterman
"Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me
how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and
when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get
stabbed, you know you've arrived." -Conan O'Brien
"How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals.
To me, that's not the most impressive thing. The guy is
actually swimming home from China." -David Letterman
"Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a
highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how
strongly she would endorse her former foe. She said what-
ever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time
for the Democrats to put aside their differences and
rally behind Mr. Potato Ears." -Jimmy Kimmel
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :)Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice
You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair.
We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with
all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806
************************************************************************
-->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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>TO SUBSCRIBE:
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