Happy Labor Day Smiles... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* May God Continue To Bless And Help Those In The Aftermath Of Isaac! ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) Well, it never fails, I go voicing my opinion and someone has to slam it back in my face. I had a list member shoot back an email saying ... Pants on fire lying Ryan In bold red print to me! Fortunately I had help from Johanna the day before and was able to give him Ryan's response GOP vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan insisted Thursday that it was fair to blame President Barack Obama for the closure of an automobile plant, despite numerous reports after his Wednesday speech that the story was false. FULL STORY: http://tinyurl.com/8pg3vfn I asked him 'By the way - How old are you? Most immature of you.' Boy that ticked him off. He said 'I would say that your site is a very poor reflection on Christian beliefs. I think God would be very dissatisfied with your Right Wing one sided propaganda...' Jesus Christ is our example. He wasn't all that moderate! Jesus Christ often upset people too when they didn't like what he was saying! If we are moderate we are compromising on the issues and the morals and on God's Word way too much! It is far better to lean right! As long as we don't go off and be extreme right wing nuts we are doing God's Will! This is what the Bible says ... Rev.3: [15] I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. [16] So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. I am not on this earth to please all the people all the time! I lost a member I've had since 2007 - but hey, if he doesn't know me by now, he never will! I am a strong Christian. >READER COMMENTS: Thank you so much for this site. Wonder how long it will be before BO orders it taken off the air? Tat's It ~~~ Mary in SE Iowa --- ...Wow, thank you so much for your kind words, Mary - Most appreciated! Hey! Hopefully NEVER! We need our freedom of religion and freedom of speech! Bad enough he wants to take the church out of the public's eye! No crosses or bibles in sight! What a shame! Romney promises to keep our freedoms most high on his list of priorities along with JOBS! Which brings me to Thursday's RNC Speeches. Did you watch Clint Eastwood? I loved it. He got on stage and preformed a skit like a ventriloquist with an 'invisible dummy' Obama in a chair beside him. It was humoristic and quite brilliant for this wonderful 82 year old American icon of ours! Obama showed how out of touch he is with us and was quick to Tweet a photo of the back of a big chair labeled 'President' with somebody seated in it and said 'This seat taken'. Was Clint Eastwood playing musical chairs? No. We all knew who the 'invisible dummy' in the chair was. No Mr. President, come November, Mitt Romney, will upseat you! Praise God! ^ | | @#####@ (### ###)-. .(### ###) \ / (### ###) ) (=- .@#####@|_--" /\ \_|l|_/ (\ (=-\ |l| / \ \.___|l|___/ /\ |_| / (=-\._________/\ \ / \._________/ # ---- # # __ # \########/ Clint Eastwood at the RNC http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DGl-4gByV4 Next came the second awesome speech Marco Rubio Full Speech at the 2012 RNC http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8f0904LzDs And Finally the most Awesome Speech... Mitt Romney RNC Speech http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMuU-EwcIzs , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' >Our Friend Johanna Sumed it up Quite nicely .. ."YOU MADE MY DAY"!!! It was all good. Listening to those speeches, they all reminded me of how far we have strayed from our beginnings. We often do that with our God also, some times we put Him in the background in our busy lives. Taking out our bible and start reading it again, we find out the reason of why we are here and what our purpose of living is, to worship Him I am proud to be a Christian and an American. So much to be thankful for! --- ...In Christ's Name - AMEN! I DITTO THAT! Thank You Johanna! -<>- >HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This super hot tottie is from our friends Jo Ann, Linda, and PatDeE! It will give you some smiles for the holiday. Check it out here... ___ / _ \ | / \ | | \_/ | \___/ ___ _|_|_/[_]\__==_ [---------------] | O /---\ | | | | | | \___/ | [---------------] [___] | |\\ | | \\ [ ] \\_ /|_|\ ( \ //| |\\ \ \ // | | \\ \ \ // |_| \\ \_\ // | | \\ //\ | | /\\ // \ | | / \\ // \ | | / \\ // \|_|/ \\ // [_] \\ // H \\ // H \\ // H \\ // H \\ // H \\ // \\Elissa Potier // \\ The Last Shot http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lastshot.html --- ...LOL! Thanks My Friends Jo Ann, Linda, and PatDeE! BTW - HAPPY BLESSED BIRTHDAY To YOU LINDA! She turned the ripe old age of 29 today. Bless her heart for all her thoughtfulness in providing us many wonderfully rich and fun forwards that make our day all that much better! Please pray God Bless her accordingly on this her special day! -<>- +~+ We Had Another Super TREMENDOUS Month Of Caring And Sharing! Niagara Falls In Neon! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/niagaraneon.html Wieliczka Salt Mine! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/saltmine.html Longleat's Meals On Wheels! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/meals.html Semper Fidelis! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/semperfi.html Fire Rainbow Cloud! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/firerainbow.html Remember Bumper Cars? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bcar.html Mars Panoramic! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mars.html Rescued Squirrel! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rsquirrel.html Sandy's Can Cars! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cancars.html Pencil Vs Camera! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pencamera.html *~* Thank You Through Christ Jesus To All Our Contributors!! GOD'S MOST ABUNDANT BLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOURS MY FRIENDS! Please Pass these on to all your friends! Thanks :) ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Stealing A Mercedes _.=;;=._ .:-'`||`'-:. // || \\ Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes || || || Benz, and after a long trial, the jury || ,//\\, || acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came \\,//' '\\,// back to the judge who had presided at the './.____.\.' hearing. jgs `------' "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE SEPTEMBER HOLIDAYS ------------+ September 3 is Skyscraper Day September 4 is Newspaper Carrier Day September 5 is Be Late For Something Day September 6 is Fight Procrastination Day September 7 is Neither Rain Nor Snow Day September 8 is National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day September 9 is Teddy Bear Day ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Brenda: >Quick Jokes Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183." My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?" -<>- ,--. \ _\_ _\/_|_\____.'\ -(___.--._____( \ \ \ \ `--' jg >Wrong Airport Three-year-old Sean, son of Bill, an airline pilot, played with his food on his plate, Bill picked up Sean's spoon, put some peas on it and said, "Zoom, zoom. Open your hangar. Here comes and airplane." Sean clenched his teeth and then said, "Wrong airport, Daddy." -<>- >ATHLETES FOOT Husband worried: 'I think I have athletes foot.' Wife: 'Don't be silly! You haven't moved in 6 years!' -<>- >Doctor Exam During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer.” -<>- . .. __..---/______//-----. (( ) .".--.```| - /.--. =: ( VROOM! )) (.: {} :__L______: {} :__; __--( __- -_= ) *--* *--* jnh >Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive... - You think an SUV might be too small too be safe. - It takes more than four minutes to gett out of your car. - When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something. - It scares you to drive the speed limitt. - The only thing you pass on the road annymore is the Amish. - You use cruise control because your leeg fell asleep. - You use cruise control at 25 mph. - You inquired if the dealership could iinstall magnifying glass for the windshield. - Your turn signal has been on since 20003. - Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhoweer. --- ...LOL! Great ones! Thanks Brenda! -<>- >-->In The Worldly News: [Politics] >From Our friend JoeL :) Why we [conservatives] SUCK http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvLZ-M_HS-w&feature=relmfu --- ...Thanks for a reality lesson JoeL! Yeah, yeah, those delivering the bad news get the flack! -<>- >From Our Friend Johanna :) Obama: The Affirmative Action President By Matt Patterson Wall Street Journal http://tinyurl.com/9gkhqej What Happened to Obama? Absolutely Nothing. By NORMAN PODHORETZ Wall Street Journal He is still the same anti-American leftist he was before becoming our president. http://online.wsj.com/article --- ...Very Telling! Thank You Johanna! -<>- >From PatriotUpdate: 30,000 Dead North Carolinians Registered to Vote http://tinyurl.com/9o3vtpw -<>- >From GodfatherPolitics: President Obama Slams the 'Greatest Generation' http://tinyurl.com/8v7lsdd -<>- >From BizarreNews: Sometimes a hoax really comes off well, earning fame for the hoaxter (even if it is an anonymous fame), like the Cardiff Giant, the War of the Worlds broadcast, the Roswell UFO crash or the moon landing. But sometimes it fails miserably. Sometimes fatally so. Take the sad case of Montana resident Randy Lee Tenley, for example. Montana Highway Patrol Trooper Jim Schneider reports that friends of the victim said Tenley was wearing a military- style camouflage suit in hopes of creating a Bigfoot hoax. Schneider said Tenley was first hit by a 16-year-old girl driving in the right southbound lane of U.S. Highway 93 who said she couldn't get out of the way of the shaggy obstacle. Tenley was then struck by again by another teen's car as his body lay on the road. "It's still a crash involving vehicles and a pedestrian. So we're still doing the same investigation, but once we started speaking to parties, then someone involved in it, trying to ascertain exactly what brought that gentleman out to Highway 93 ... I would not guess that would motivate anybody to be out on Highway 93," Scheider said. Schneider said police are waiting to get toxicology reports to see if Tenley had been drinking. *-- DUI suspect blames 'being a bridesmaid' --* HOLMES BEACH, Fla. - Police in Florida said a woman arrest- ed for driving under the influence told a deputy the arrest is what she gets "for being a bridesmaid." The Manatee County Sheriff's Office said a Holmes Beach police officer Friday pulled over Lesley Falcone, 27, for driving 18 mph over the speed limit and drifting into oncoming traffic, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reported Monday. The officer called a deputy to administer a sobriety test and Falcone was allegedly "unable to stand in the starting position" for the walk and turn test. "I'm done and I don't want to look like a fool," the woman allegedly told the deputy after attempting the test. The deputy said Falcone admitted to having several drinks before driving. "This is what I get for being a bridesmaid," the report quotes her as say- ing. *-- Broken cellphone returned with saucy video --* VASTERAS, Sweden - Swedish authorities said a woman sent her cellphone in for repairs and it was returned to her with a video of a man masturbating. Police said the woman took her phone to a Kristinehamn company in June and the broken device was sent to a Vasteras factory for repairs, The Local.se reported Monday. The woman called the company shortly after getting her phone back and reported there was a video of a man masturbating saved on the device. The company filed a police report and investigators said the man depicted in the video is believed to be a factory worker since he was wearing factory-issued shoes and the clip was recorded in the factory's bathroom. *-- Whale vomit chunk worth thousands --* CHRISTCHURCH, England - The family of a British 8-year-old who found a chunk of whale vomit on the beach said the find could be worth more than $60,000. Charlie Naysmith, of Christchurch, England, said he discovered the chunk of ambergris at Hengistbury Head and took it home. His family researched the object and found out it is worth between $16,000 and $63,000, the Daily Echo of Southampton, England, reported Thursday. The boy's father, Alex Naysmith, said experts were working to determine the exact worth of the item. "He is into nature and is really interested in it. We have discovered it is quite rare and are waiting for some more information from marine biology experts," he said. Experts said ambergris, which is created in the intestines of a sperm whale and comes out in vomit, is prized for its ability to prolong the scent of perfume. *-- School breaks cowbell record --* TORONTO - Ryerson University in Toronto said a group of 1,003 students, faculty and staff broke the world record for the largest cowbell ensemble. The event, organized by the school's orientation team, university staff and Ryerson Students' Union, involved participants playing the cowbell part to Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" while local rock band SEAM handled the rest of the song, the school said. Organizers said the 1,003 participants beat the record of a 640-strong cowbell ensemble set by a Boswil, Switzerland, group in September 2009. The record has been submitted to Guinness World Records for certification, organizers said. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) ___ ,-'" "`-. ,'_ `. / / \ ,- \ __ | \_0 --- | / | | | \ \ `--.______,-/ | ___) \ ,--"" ,/ | / _ \ \-_____,- / \__-/ \ | `. ,' \___/ < ´--------' \__/\ | Wny \__// >THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE: Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Dyslexics have much more NUF ! Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!.. "And that person was me."..... Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world. --- ...Amen! LOL! Awesome! Thanks PatDeE! ======================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" I asked. A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done." [Reader's Digest.] -<>- "Bad cholesterol is the kind that clogs arteries, shoplifts lipstick and lies under oath." [Reader's Digest.] -<>- The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20˘ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits. One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me." To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall." -<>- Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies." Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions" ABBA -- "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out" Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair" Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper" Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs -- "Bald Thing" -<>- _|\ _/|_, ,((\\``-\\\\_ ,(()) `))\ ,(())) ,_ \ ((())' | \ ))))) >.__ \ (((' / `-. .c| hjw / `-`' Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room. "Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help." At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!" [Thanks to Readers Digest.] -<>- Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us. The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away. My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party." -<>- Another three guys are debating which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian, it is: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!" The French guy says, "True, but in French it is 'Je t'adore'. An even more beautiful sound!" "Unt vat's wrong vit: 'Ick leiber dick?" asks the German. -<>- _ /' `\ k___y th j /`Y'\ .,--,. \___/ ... ,' __ ', _ ||| j /' `\ t f | t j f | | j t_| T j \ / t Y| | ', `--' ,' || U '~--~' LJ kth At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!" -<>- A skinny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and an overly large retainer was hanging near the library's information desk as if she wanted to ask a question, but was afraid to. Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl and said, "Is there something I can help you find?" "Well..." she blushed. "would you know if you have a current copy of 'Scouting for Boys'?" -<>- Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger. After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces." My husband, Morris, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer. "How about that!" Morris exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!" ======================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: _.--._ \ ** / (<>) . ) ( . )\_.._/ /\ \_.._/( (*_<>_ _<>_*) )/ '' \ \/ / '' \( ' ) ( ' ( ) ) ( (<>) / ** \ /.-..-.\ >Catholicism John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John; he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to Catholicism. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest lent temptation was resolved. The next year's lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying "you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish" -<>- _____ _ _____ ____ /_ /, | ,-, ) /'_`\ |_ _| | __| \ \> | `-'< | (_) | | | | _| ) )__ ,_ |_|`\_\ \___/ |_| |_| (_.-'_)__$ ;-'' pb >It's PUNny - ONE-LINERS: When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself? (Bill Stebbins) Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. (North Coast Express) I got a puncture in one tire. I didn't see the fork in the road. (Leopold Fechtner) Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit. (Robert Tanner) The other day I saw school students applying cosmetics. They were taking a makeup test. (Douglas Helsel) Blessed are they who own horses, for they shalt have stability. (Sermon Fodder) People who live beyond their means should act their wage. (Syman Hirsch) Late night truckers burn the midnight oil. (Mike Bull) If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way (Leopold Fechtner) Country Song: "If you can't get an upper berth in Hawaii, you can always get aloha." (Lee Daniel Quinn) Do two normal people make one paranormal? (Bill Stebbins) Little is known about the salivary glands because they are so secretive. (Marina) \ My wife looks upon me as her consultant. Many times she has said to me, "When I want your advice, I'll ask for it." (Renee from Napa) Medicine first occurs in Exodus. When returning from Mount Sinai, Moses took two tablets. (Jack Levitt) A man who rode in a carpool felt sick whenever they passed under a certain tunnel. His doctor diagnosed this as carpool tunnel syndrome (Mike Bull). The image of you playing frisbee with a dog isn't so farfetched. (Jose Caldas) One reason you can't vote until you're 18 is because they don't want any minor in juries. (Mike Reihmer) On a billboard ad for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault" (Helen McDaniel) The psychologist told his patient to get into solo wrestling because he needed to get a grip on himself. (Jack Levitt) Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal. (Dim Wit) Dostoevsky wrote a book about Tiger Wood's third round of the British Open, "The Brother's Karma's Off". (David Reihmer) Country Song: "Every time we throw a party, she beats me to the punch." (Lee Daniel Quinn) Perforation is a rip off. (Syman Hirsch) The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise. (Marina) Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread (Douglas Helsel). When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice? (Bill Stebbins) My grandfather asked me if fish ever sleep. I suppose they do. Otherwise there would be no need for riverbeds. (Jack Levitt) A waiter who played tennis was great at serving. (Mike Bull) My doctor says I have insomnia, but not to lose any sleep over it. (Carol Kemo) Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time. (Marina) When told her new mattress has a lifetime guarantee, my mother said, "I should only live that long.” (Leon) I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I came varicose. (My Stacy) I bet Spider-Man's out shopping for a huge Web site. (Renee from Napa) My mother told me not to yell through the screen door.... she did not want me to strain my voice. (Bill Stebbins) Give a man twenty dollars, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to make a twenty dollar bill, and he'll be fed for three to five years, with time off for good behavior. (Mark Milan) Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shalt be bi-sectual (Sermon Fodder). Several of President Nixon's aides took the Watergate affair with an air of resignation. (Hirsch & McNair) Coffee is not my cup of tea. (Samuel Goldwyn) "Did you put the cat out?" "Why? Is it on fire?" (Leopold Fechtner) “When you were in the army, did they give you a commission?” “Nah, just a straight salary like everybody else.” The Radio manufacturer had to appoint a Receiver. (Syman Hirsch) Car salesmen compete trying to sell for the lease amount. (Mike Bull) If you buy a mud face pack that was advertised, will that make you ad-mired? (Myke Ashley-Cooper) -<>- ^..^ <( )> \ / /(oo)\ // / -- \ oo) //| __ |\\ //U\ H (/oo\) H (/ H |\oo/| -=/ \=- \ /\ / ( _ ) U U | | H H _l l_ ~ ~ apx Cow & Chicken (cartoon series) >The Vacuum Salesman A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet. Do you want tomato sauce on that or would you prefer mustard?" -<>- >Watergate A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them." -<>- >Waiting For a Table An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the busy waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time." -<>- >Hearing Problems An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with an excellent hearing aid. He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The happy gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!" -<>- >It's Company Policy Page one of a one-page handbook - This might improve company production. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -<>- _ ___ _.--. \`.|\..----...-'` `-._.-'_.-'` / ' ` , __.--' )/' _/ \ `-_, / `-'" `"\_ ,_.-;_.-\_ ', fsc/as _.-'_./ {_.' ; / {_.-``-' {_/ >A cat story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known. -<>- __ __ ,',.\/,.`. \(_,''._)/ ._(.||.)_, (,>(__)<.) '`-.==,-'` )(_ _____ _.' `-. _.-'' ,','| \.\ ,-' `-.`: . :\\_ /,::::, ,::::, ,>))._ ,' `'` //::::/ /::::/ / )'/. //::::/ /::::/ / ,',|`.\ /______________/ /,'||'|)) \ _ _ __ _ _ _ \,':(_ |('((__ \___(,.)SSt____\,|_)))_))`--` /,' // >At Disney World Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice. The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. She replied, "This year, I can read." -<>- >Scientists One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!" -<>- >From Daily Ministries: DIVORCE: IT TAKES SEVEN YEARS TO UNDO A MARRIAGE If you've been married more than 25 years, let me congratulate you. That's quite an accomplishment. You deserve a medal. After all, sprinter Marion Jones won three gold and two bronze medals at the last Olympics, but is losing her husband, C.J. Hunter. To patch things up with him, she would gladly give up not just one, but ALL her bronze medals. As long as it doesn't interfere with her next track meet. Celebrities just don't have much luck with marriage. That's why any famous actor who's been married longer than five years gets waves of admiration and an automatic invitation to the CNN show "Larry King Live": Actor: "I've been married ten years. That's 70 in dog years." Larry King: "That's nothing. I've been married more than 30 years. That's 210 in dog years." Actor: "Really? What's your secret?" King: "That's easy: I get a new wife every five years. That's every 35 in dog years." Actor: "Boy, you really ARE a dog!" King has been married so many times, his ex-wives have to rent a stadium for their annual convention. Topics at this year's event include "Why Larry money is better than alimony," "How to find other men who wear suspenders," and "Five important reasons to graduate from high school." Some people would get depressed about so many failed marriages, but King likes to look at the positive side: He has lived with a number of beautiful women and has developed close relationships with all his divorce lawyers. Unfortunately, divorces are getting more and more common. If they can't be happily married, many people are choosing to be happily divorced. For some, divorce is a badge of honor: Ninety-year-old man: "You youngsters have it easy. I survived World War I and World War II!" Brigitte Nielsen: "That's nothing. I survived Mark Gastineau and Sylvester Stallone!" In America, 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of remarriages. The average marriage lasts 7.2 years. Apparently the seven-year itch has turned into the seven-year split. Couples might as well sign a professional sports contract, with free agency after seven years. Divorces are also getting easier, partly because of technology. A man in Dubai recently used his mobile (cell) phone to divorce his wife. He merely sent her a text message that read, "Why are you late? You are divorced." Validated by an Islamic court, it was the first case of divorce by mobile phone in the Gulf emirate. Fortunately, the man withdrew the divorce after a couple of hours, perhaps after receiving a text message from his wife: "Why am I divorced? You are dead." It's a good thing such instant divorces aren't allowed in America. Bill Clinton and others would love them. Attractive woman: "Mr. President, how would you like to come to my place?" Clinton (reaching for phone): "Your place? OK. Hold on a second while I divorce my wife." Woman: "Divorce her? Isn't that a little drastic?" Clinton: "Nah! I can always change my mind later." The most common reason for a divorce is irreconcilable differences. That can mean almost anything. For example: ---She has no religion; he watches footbball religiously. ---She likes a man with class; he graduaated from high school. ---She wants him to be her best friend; he wants her best friend. ---She reads great literature; he can't spell "literature." ---She's always snoring in bed; he's alwways boring in bed. -<>- >The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: I apologize, and, You are right. -<>- >DEFINITIONS: Sickle Cell Disease: Addiction to farm equipment auctions (Stan Kegel) Stud Finder: A device for finding gigolos (Tim Breuning). Maritime: June for many couples (Bree Schultz) Arch Criminal: One who robs MacDonald’s (Jerlyn F.) Prostate: 10th Amendment advocate (Stan Kegel) Bulbous: Transport for male cattle (OIan Barker) Hunger What the posse did to the lady rustler Bree Schultz) ( Sterile Solution: A vasectomy or tubal ligation (Stan Kegel) Canopy: The state of being unable to urinate (David Elsensohn) Prime Rib: What God used to make Eve (fmhlaw) Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves (Jim & Angie Bolman) Tolerance: The result of giving Growth Hormone to insects (Stan Kegel) Berate: Grading honey producers (Paul Pence) Gator-Aide: Welfare for crocodiles (Bree Schultz) Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag. (Bree Schultz) Toiletry: A hard working tree. (Mike Wheeler) Matricide: Arguing about who gets which side of the bed. (Nemo) Triage: Counting the rings on a tree trunk (Stan Kegel) Forest: in favor of holidays from work. (fmhlaw) ============================================================ >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) High Tech Toys http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/techtoys.html In Days Past http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dayspast.html Small Thoughts http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/smallthoughts.html Building Advertising Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/buildingads.html Flower Art! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/flowerart.html Amazing Bus Stops http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bus.html Aww Animals 8 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals8.html Beautiful Bridges 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bridges2.html Humorous Ads http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/humorad.html Jellyfish Lake http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/jellyfish.html Morons At Work http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mwork.html Parenting No-No's 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/parenting3.html Toyger Mini Tiger http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/minitiger.html World's Fastest Cars! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/fastcars.html -<>- >From Our Friend KarenF :) Flying Over America http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=KcuDdPo0WZk --- ...WOW! Most Beautiful! Thanks KarenF! -<>- >From Our Friend Brenda :) Nothing Stays the same http://www.ginnysgiftoflove.com/snothingstayssame.html Don't Worry Be Happy http://www.ginnysgiftoflove.com/fdontworry.html Orange Juice Attack - YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NjDN1PFWjXw --- ...LMAO! Good Ones! Thanks Brenda! -<>- >From Our Friend Bunni :) Sneaky Dog http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/pepsi.html --- ...HaHa! Thanks Bunni! -<>- >From Our Friend Linda :) Olympic Time? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WodNLt-pfSY --- ...TeeHee! Thanks Linda Warning: Parents and Grandparents, everyone! Please watch THIS CLIP and, if you or a loved one has a Smart Phone, disable the features described in the video. Your kids can be tracked just by a phone photo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2vARzvWxwY --- ...Thank You Linda! Scary and why I don't like posting pics! Visit Melissa's Online Store You can get anything you want (except for Melissa ) at the online store http://pdhomes.net/mall/babylissa/mySTORES/ISELL4.html ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Pro- testants in whom you don't believe?" -Quentin Crisp "I won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up." -Lenny Bruce "It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket." -June Henderson "I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler "Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier." -James Dent Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds... it makes ice. Homer: When I look at the smiles on all the childrens faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday. Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend. >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************