Happy Martin Luther King Jr Day! ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ ,mMm.,------.,mMm. (GNP' `?ND) P dMm. ,mMb ? ( ?X_O O_XP ) ( qp ) bdsm \ `--'`--' / _____ ,__) (--|__) _.._ _| _, _| (_|| |(_|(_| ( *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2010 *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2010 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ================ *~* I Pray Everyone Is Having a Happy Blessed MLKJr Day! >-->3 Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This first one is SMOKIN' It comes from a forward from our friend Wesley. I really love this story so I couldn't resist doing it up as a page for us. Check it out here... _.._ .-' `-. : ; ; ,_ _, ; : \{" "}/ : ,'.'"=..=''.'. ; / \ / \ ; .' ; '.__.' ; '. .-' .' '. '-. .' ; ; '. / / \ \ ; ; ; ; ; `-._ _.-' ; ; ""--. .--"" ; '. _ ; ; _ .' {""..' '._.-. .-._.' '..""} \ ; ; / : : : : : :.__.: : \ /"-..-"\ / fsc '-.__.' '.__.-' Three Old Men http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/oldmen.html --- ...Wonderful Story! Thank You Wesley! -<>- These next 2 ones come from forwards from our friend Sandi. As soon as I saw them, I knew I'd do them up asap! Check them out here... /|\ [] |"""""""""""--__ /| |\ / | \ || |____________--"" ( |__| ) | ( ) | || | | \ / | .-. | || | | |12| ]( 0 )[ || | | | | / `-' \ || | | | | / /' `\ \ || | | | | | | | | |%%| | | | | | | | | ,'`, | | | | | | | | |||| | | |14| | | | | |||| | | / __ \ \ \ / / |||| | | ( | | ) `-' `-' `--' `-' \| |/ pb Macgyver - How To Do It #2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/macgyver2.html ! ! ! |>>> |>>> ! |>>> |>>> |>>> | >>> | |>>> |>>> | .|. |_________________________| .|. / \ |WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW| / \ / \ | )~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~( | / \ / \ | ( ) | / \ / \ | ) ( | / \ #################### | ( ) | WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW |[ ] [ ] [] [ ] [ ]| | ) ( | |/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\| | | | /\ | | | | ( ) | | | | /\ | | | | | | / \ | | | |=<_____________________>=| | | | / \ | | | | | || || | | | ) ( | | | || || | | | | || || | | |(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)| | | || || | | | | ||____|| | | |)_| |___| |___| |___| |_(| | | ||____|| | | |_|___|| ||___|_| |(_| |___| |___| |___| |_)| |_|___|| ||___|_| |)_|_|___|_|___|_|___|_|_(|lc Chevy Selling It! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chevysi.html --- ...I loved these! Thanks Sandi! ============================================================= >-->From The FunnyBone: Amusing Things Grade School Students Have Written In Papers: _____ The parts of speech are lungs and air. ."` `". __ / \ __ A census taker is man who goes from / & /"""""\ & \ house to house increasing the popula- / /\ /` 9 9 `\ /\ \ tion. | | /` ^ `\ | | / / \ '-' / \ \ (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot /.-' `-._____.-` `-.\ water and CO2 is cold water. _\\ //_ /' `~|\\/|~` `\ A city purifies its water supply by / , | \ | , \ filtering the water then forcing it / /| \__)/ |\ \ through an aviator. \ `-._ ~Y~__.-' / `-.__/```).-\_.-' Most of the houses in France are made / `~~|/`~` \ of plaster of Paris. / -. | \ jgs / \| \ The people who followed the Lord were / | \ called the 12 opossums. / . . . . . . . . . \ `"`"`"`"|"|"|"`"`"`"` We do not raise silk worms in the | | | United States, because we get our silk | | | from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives |~|~| more silk. |-|-| /`/`/J One of the main causes of dust is janitors. `~`~` A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. =================================================================== +----------------- Bizarre Warning Labels -----------------+ "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." - Found on an electric rotary tool. "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." - Found on a can of under- arm deoderant. "Do not drive with sunshield in place." - Found on a card- board sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard. "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." - Found on a pack- age of airline peanuts. "Not intended for highway use." - Found on a 13-inch wheel for a wheelbarrow. "Kills all kinds of insects. Warning: This spray is harmful to bees." - Found on a can of insecticide. "WARNING: Contents flammable." - Found on a container of lighter fluid. ,-~***~-._.-~***~-. / \ / .--~~~--..--~~~--. \ ,' /._,/\._,/\._,/\._,\ `. ~-. \.-~ .-~ // ,-~ \/ ,* / ,* // / / ,**' / ,*'// / /,***' / ,**'// / /,***' / ,**'// / / ***' / ,***'// / : ~** ` ,***'/.-~ | **' / \ .' ~-.. ..-~ -Artist Unknown ~~~~~ "Do not use orally." - Found on a toilet-bowl cleaning brush. "Please keep out of children." - Found on a butcher knife. "Warning: Do not use on eyes." - Found in the manual for a heated seat cushion. ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Viv :) ,__ _, \~\| ~~---___ , | \ | Wash.| | ~~~~~~~|~~~~~| ~~---, _ VT_/,ME> /~-_--__| | Montana |N Dak\ Minn/ ~\~_/Mich. /~| ||,' |Oregon | \ |------| { WI / /~) __-NY',|_\,NH / |Ida.|~~~~~~~~|S Dak.\ \ | | '~\ |_____,|~,-'Mass. |~~--__ | | Wyoming|____ |~~~~~|--| |__ /_-'Penn.{,~Conn (RI) | | ~~~|~~| | ~~\ Iowa/ `-' |`~ |~_____{/NJ | | Nev | '---------, Nebr.\----| |IN|OH,' ~/~\,|`MD (DE) ', \ |Utah| Colo. |~~~~~~~| \IL| ,'~~\WV/ VA | |Cal\ | | | Kansas| MO \_-~ KY /`~___--\ ', \ ,-----|-------+-------'_____/__----~~/N Car./ '_ '\| | |~~~|Okla.| | Tenn._/-,~~-,/ \ |Ariz.| New | |_ |Ark./~~|~~\ \,/S Car. ~~~-' | Mex. | `~~~\___|MS |AL | GA / '-,_ | _____| | / | ,-'---~\ `~'~ \ Texas |LA`--,~~~~-~~,FL\ \/~\ /~~~`---` | \ \ / \ | -jorn \ | '\' `~' BOTH THE ILLEGALS AND THE LIBERALS NEED TO BE DEPORTED! LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT... IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR. IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY. IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT. IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED. IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED. IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT. IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION… --- ...Makes ya wonder eh? Thanks Viv! ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend HannaP :) She sent us a photo I uploaded to our group home page here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList/ --- ...DITTO! LOL! I love This! Thanks HannaP! ================================================================ >-->In The WordlyNews: [POLITICS] >From Our Friend Jewelle :) I CHEER YOU FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO AVAILABLE FOR PEOPLE TO SEE, I WOULD HOPE IT WOULD OPEN THEIR EYES, TO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO OUR NATION. _.. /}_{\ /.-' ( a a )-.___...-'/ ==._.== ; \ i _..._ /, {_;/ {_// fsc YouTube - The Iraq War: Legal or Illegal? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Khut8xbXK8&feature=related Huggz & Smiles, Jewelle` Live simply.Love generously.Care deeply.Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. --- ...No problem Jewelle - Thanks! I don't mind giving folks things to think about at times. I don't figure it is good to cry over spilt milk - what is done is done - but I guess some people just want to make sure others know there was milk spilt in the first place. (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/)) (/)(/) (/)'`(/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/) (/)(/) jgs `""` Me? I'm not convinced there was - a legal or illegal issue that is. Saddam Hussein snubbed his nose at the UN for years - just a matter of time before things got heated. Had he co-operated with the UN then perhaps things would of ended up differently. Good riddance to spoiled, rotten, stinking milk is what I say. He was evil. The world is better off without him. Especially those poor people in Iraq! -<>- [POLITICS] >From TeaParty: Go Brown!!!! "I am throwing our complete organization behind Scott including financial support. Scott Brown will fill the Peoples seat which was once held by the late Senator Ted Kennedy. Browns election will no doubt be a shot heard around the world." Dale Robertson - Founder/President - Tea Party You have got to - READ MORE http://teaparty.org/ -<>- [Politics] >From Liberty Counsel: One of the most striking aspects of the profound tragedy that has befallen the nation of Haiti is the immediate and enormous outpouring of help coming from the people of the United States. We are a compassionate and generous nation. Catastrophic events like this horribly destructive earthquake in an underdeveloped and indigent country always bring out the best in the American people. ++Our Christian foundations have made America great Without our Founders' insistence that our government stand upon biblical principles and without God's continuing blessing on America, we could not help ourselves or anyone else! ++As we pray for Haiti to receive God's help, we must also pray that America doesn't lose His blessing ++America, God shed His grace on thee The Bible makes it clear that God's blessings on a people can be removed as easily as they were bestowed. And one of the first signs that He has begun removing His grace is the emergence of corrupt rulers and self-serving national officials. Ever since the Town Hall meetings last summer, ObamaCare's architects have known that only bribery, deception, legislative trickery and sheer presidential despotism can get their anti-faith, anti-family, anti-solvency bill passed into law. Their extreme tactics clearly show how desperate ObamaCare's backers have become. They know the socialist takeover of our medical system is hanging by a thread! Their tyranny has become quite obvious. ++This historic battle has come to a head this week ObamaCare's proponents are rushing this vote forward because they know their coalition is unraveling. And depending on how the special election in Massachusetts next Tuesday for the late Ted Kennedy's Senate seat comes out, Harry Reid may soon lose his 60-seat super-majority! That's why I'm asking every member of the Liberty Counsel team to press as hard as possible on targeted Members of the House and Senate. Please go here to order targeted faxes: http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=24115&CID=310&RID=22279143 We MUST continue to make Congress hear our voice! We are going all out next week to bury Congress in protest over ObamaCare's abortion content and the scandalous way in which the process is being handled. Americans nationwide are expressing OUTRAGE at the socialists' overt manipulation and total lack of integrity. Now more than ever, the socialists and abortion advocates need to understand that WE HAVE NOT GIVEN UP and will fight until the issue is fully resolved. If Harry Reid loses even one vote in the Senate or Nancy Pelosi just three or four more in the House, then ObamaCare can be defeated! Here's what I'm asking you to do... #1 - Fax Your Senators! Even if you have done so many times already, help us continue flooding Senate offices with protests until the final bill passes or the liberal coalition cracks. Go here right now: http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=24116&CID=310&RID=22279143 Of course, we always encourage you to send your own faxes if you prefer. We have provided all the information you need to reach Senators here: http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=24117&CID=310&RID=22279143 #2 - Fax Your Representative and Key "Blue Dog" and Pro-Life Members of the House! #3 - Continue to pray that this bill will be miraculously derailed. Pray for God's deliverance from being forced to pay for abortions and from the overt deceit and trickery that has become the norm from the Obama/Pelosi/Reid power axis. PLEASE keep the heat on, especially now that the numbers are narrowing as a final vote looms! Go here to raise your voice in protest: http://www.libertyaction.org/r.asp?U=24118&CID=310&RID=22279143 Now is NOT the time to be silent. Join like-minded Americans who will make the 111th Congress realize that this power-play WILL be the undoing of anyone who votes for the ObamaCare Abortion Bill! God bless you, Mathew Staver, Founder and Chairman Liberty Counsel P.S. We cannot allow anything to distract us from the historic battle over ObamaCare and its anti-life, anti-family contents. Of course, as compassionate Americans we will pray and materially help Haitians cope with their horrendous national tragedy. But we must also look to preserving our own nation's blessings and soundly reject ANY bill that pays for abortions with public funds! This battle is far from being over, no matter how much the Pelosi/Reid/Obama power axis wants us to think that it is. But it is clear that we can expect the final PUSH for a bill including abortion provisions to take place very soon. Please pray! There is always hope in God! Continue taking action! And let your Senators know that you WILL hold them accountable for their decisions on ObamaCare and its outrageous handling. Once again, thank you for praying and speaking out. -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Boy, 3, rides bag belt at Danish airport --------- COPENHAGEN, Denmark - Officials at a Denmark airport said a 3-year-old boy rode the entirety of the baggage belt system, including an X-ray machine. Copenhagen Airport workers said the young boy hoisted himself onto an unattended baggage belt while he and his mother were checking in for an early Thursday flight, The Copenhagen Post reported Monday. The X-ray directed the boy to an area for bags that needed to be handled manually because an identification tag was not detected. An airport worker heard the boy calling out from the area and he was rescued and reunited with his mother. Officials said the boy seemed shaken but unharmed. He was believed to have board- ed the plane with his mother as planned. -- 70 ride Dallas trains sans pants -------------- DALLAS - Organizers of a pantless ride on the Dallas public train system said about 70 people turned out to drop their trousers in the cold and ride the rails. Brian Alguire and Chris Linville, organizers of Sunday's no- pants ride, said the event marked the first time Dallas Area Rapid Transit riders participated in what has become an annual tradition in many cities, The Dallas Morning News reported. The organizers said most of the participants were in their 20s but nearly every age group was represent- ed. The pair gave only vague reasons for organizing the unsanctioned event. "Why not? I didn't have anything better to do today," Alguire said. Participants offered similar reasons for coming out in the cold and shedding their pants. "I'm a lifelong nudist. I usually stay in a warm place when being nude, though," said Ashley Ross, 19. -- Boy calls police to surrender pacifiers ---------- TARANTO, Italy - Police in an Italian city said a 4-year- old boy who considered himself too old for his pacifiers called authorities to surrender the baby toys. Taranto police said the boy called the emergency line a few days before his birthday and explained that he thought the police should have his old pacifiers, ANSA reported. "I'm old enough now so you can have my dummies," the boy told the operator. Police said two officers visited the boy's birthday party and traded him a souvenir hat in exchange for his four old pacifiers. ================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Sandi :) ' . . o ' o . ' . O ' . ' . _____ ' . . . . .mMMMMMMMm. ' o ' . ' . .MMXXXXXXXXXMM. . ' . . /XX77:::::::77XX\ . . . o . ;X7:::''''''':::7X; . ' ' . |::'.:' '::| . . . . ;:.:. :;. o . ' . \'.: /. ' . . `.':. .'. ' . ' . ' .`-._____.-' . . ' . ' o ' . O . ' o ' . ' . ' . ' ' O . ' ' ' . . ' ' . ' . ' ' . .'..' . ' ' . . '. . ' `.':.' ':'.'.' `\\_ | _//' \( |\ )/ //\ |_\ /\\ (/ /\(" )/\ \) \/\ ( ) /\/ |( )| | \( \ | ) \ | \ | \ | `.__, \_________.-'Ojo/gnv >How many zeros in a billion? This is too true to be funny. The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about Whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of it's releases. A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were Living in the Stone Age. D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet. E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, At the rate our government Is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans .. It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) Is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number... What does it mean? A. Well... If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, and child) You each get $516,528. B. Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets$1,329,787. C. Or... If you are a family of four... Your family gets $2,066,012. Washington , D. C HELLO! Are all your calculators broken?? Building Permit Tax CDL License Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax (Fed) Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Tax Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service charge taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage Tax (Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Utility Tax Vehicle License Registration T ax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax (And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes) STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... And our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt... We had the largest middle class in the world... And Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!' And I still have to Press '1' For English. I hope this goes around the U S A At least 100 times What the heck happened????? --- ...LOL! Thanks Sandi! The gov is trying to pull a fast one! =============================================================== >-->From Our Friend Becky :) _---~~(~~-_. _{ ) ) , ) -~~- ( ,-' )_ ( `-,_..`., )-- '_,) ( ` _) ( -~( -_ `, } to those with BRAINS! (_- _ ~_-~~~~`, ,' ) `~ -^( __;-,((())) ~~~~ {_ -_(()) `\ } { } I am sending this only to my smart friends. If I said I figured it out I'd not be telling the truth; I had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common. 1 Banana 2 Dresser 3 Grammar 4 Potato 5 Revive 6 Uneven 7 Assess Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try Look at each word carefully. (You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.) This Is Cool. Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters. Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send it to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too. --- ...Good one! Thanks Becky! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Del :) __ /\/'-, ,--''''' /" ____,'. ) \___ '"""""------'"""`-----' pb My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy S#!t, my dog is a Democrat! --- ...LOL! Thanks Del! ========================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish: 1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat). 6. Always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too. 11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should never generalize. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Don't use no double negatives. 17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23. Kill all exclamation points!!!! 24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas. 26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement. 34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. -<>- __________ |DAILY NEWS| |&&& ======| |=== ======| |=== == %%$| |[_] ======| |=== ===!##| ejm97 |__________| >Classified Ad from local newspaper: 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000 This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn't mean what I thought. Call Steve. 555-1212. -<>- En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. "Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean—you won't get a signal out here." "That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class." -<>- Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed. "The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar." "Really?" said his mother, surprised. "What do they do if it starts to rain?" -<>- "What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic. "What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." -<>- _*_ ....iiooiioo __/_|_\__ [(o)_R_(o)] fe My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved. On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn- of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door. Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when my partner tried to cover for me by saying... "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet." ============================================================= >-->From SermondFodder: >Funny Translation I accompanied my friend Bill on a mission trip to Romania. Pastor Bill would often preach to some of the small home church groups we encountered through a translator. I learned enough Romanian before the trip to be able to communicate a bit, but remained far from being able to participate in much of a conversation. During one of our last stops at what turned out to be the largest church group we encountered, Pastor Bill attempted to tell a joke to start his message. My understanting of the Romanian language had improved during our ten days there. I tried to follow along with what the translator was sharing with the audience to continue to improve. Some of the words the tranlator was using as Pastor Bill told his joke weren't quite fitting with how I thought they should be translated. However, everyone offered an enthusiastic laugh at the end of the joke. Everyone then seemed intent on hearing every world of Pastor Bill's sermon. I thought maybe I had misunderstood the translator. After the service I asked about his choice of words during the joke. He explanined rather intently, "Jokes generally don't translate very well because of cultural differences. Instead of adding a lot of explanation I simply told the congregation that Pastor Bill was telling an American Joke that would be difficult for everyone to understand and probably not very funny in Romanian. I then asked them to laugh loudly when I said 'The end.' They did." Author Wishes to Remain Anonymous -<>- | -+- _ _|_ {@} _|=|_ /___\ /(")\ (") .---'-'---. /((~))\/\ _ .-. /___________\ ~~/@\~~\|_|/ ((_)) | A /^\ A | / \ ||| ((_)) '-' | |"| | /~@~@~\ ||| '-' ldb_|___|_|___|_____/_______\|||__ >Try a Wife Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. In an effort to find a program that could fulfill my needs I went to a number of computer stores to find software that would do the job. I had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced and had the knowledge of computer programs to solve my problem. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried a wife?" he replied. -<>- I'm not lost. I know where I am. I've been lost here before. ---A guy to his Wife -<>- ________________________________________________ /\______________________________________________/`-. <()>____________________________________________< ## \/______________________________________________\,-' unknown >POWER OF A TRASHED PENCIL --posted by keymaker She was a janitor at a school in India. Her husband died soon after her marriage, she didn't have any family in the area. She struggled with the responsibility of raising her kids. For the last twenty years, she's continued to sweep classrooms at local schools. One day, though, she had a radical idea: I want to give. It was followed-up by a reasonable yet confusing thought: But what can I possibly give? When she narrated her desire to a friend, he told her a story. "Gandhi used to write many letters. One day, Kakasaheb Kalelkar, a famous Indian author, saw him writing with a tiny pencil and immediately offered Gandhi a bigger pencil from his pocket. Gandhi politely said that he didn't need it. The next day, he saw Gandhi scrambling to find his pencil and Kakasaheb again offered him a pencil saying, 'Your pencil was so small anyway.' Gandhi gently replied, 'But a child had given me that pencil.' And he carried on the search for that small pencil. Sharing this story, he tells this sweeper woman: "You sweep schools everyday. And so, you must see all kinds of small pencils that kids throw away. Why don't you collect those and I'll give them to little kids who can't afford pencils and teach them how to write and draw." She liked that idea. In addition to pencils, she even collected erasers, sharpeners, and a few miscellaneous oddities. And every so often, when her bag gets full, she hands it off to her friend to give away to the needy. That was her ritual. When she found out that I was in town (I'm good friends with her kids), she insisted that I come over for a meal. Due to my hectic set of commitments, I wasn't able to go over for a meal but told her that I'd definitely join her for some snacks. So I went for breakfast one day, with my friend who originally shared Gandhi's story with her. She had cooked up a simple feast of love, which we thoroughly enjoyed! We gave her a shawl, explaining that someone had gifted it to us the night before and we couldn't really use it. And as we were leaving, she handed us a pink, almost ripped, and heavy plastic bag. Confused, I opened up that plastic bag, and saw those small pencil, erasers and sharpeners. Wow. It's hard to stay balanced, in the presence of something so valuable. In the next hour, I had to address a couple hundred people, and shared the story of a sweeper woman. As I opened up that pink plastic bag and held a fistful of these small pencils and erasers, it was hard for even the emcee to hold back the tears! I left the bag out for people to keep a material token of this sweeper woman's lesson -- it matters not what you give, but the amount of love you put into that giving. Everything, including the ripped plastic bag, was gone before I could take a second look. The humble offering had a certain power that simply can't be bought. 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