Happy Memorial Day... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* May You Have A Safe, Happy and Most Blessed Memorial Day! _ (_) <___> | |______ | |* * * ) | | * * (_________ | |* * * |* *|####) | | * * *| * | (________________ | |* * * |* *|####|##############| | | * * *| * | | | | |* * * |* *|####|##############| | |~~~~~~| * | | | | |######|* *|####|##############| | | |~~~' | | | |######|########|##############| | | | | | | |######|########|##############| | |~~~~~~| | | | | |########|##############| | | '~~~~~~~~| | | | |##########JGS#| | | '~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | | | A heart felt Thank You To ALL Our Veterans and their families! >From Our Friend Trish :) Happy Memorial Day! http://tinyurl.com/c5jxh2v --- ...Sweet! Thanks Trish! -<>- >From Our Friend Bunni :) Memorial Day and Taps Today is Memorial Day. Please remember those servicemen and women who have died serving their country. You can honor our fallen heroes by visiting cemeteries and placing flags or flowers on the graves of veterans. It is also customary to fly the flag at half-staff until noon. Happy Memorial day to all! Taps Day is done, gone the sun, From the hills, from the lake, from the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. Go to sleep, peaceful sleep, May the soldier or sailor, our God keep. On the land or the deep, Safe in sleep. Love, good night, must thou go, When the day, and the night need thee so? All is well. Speedeth all To their rest. Fades the light; and afar, Goeth day, and the stars shineth bright, Fare thee well; day has gone, Night is on. Thanks and praise, for our days, 'Neath the sun, 'neath the stars, 'neath the sky, As we go, this we know, God is nigh. --- ...Very Nice! Thanks Bunni! -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) November 11 - 1985 "It is, in a way, an odd thing to honor those who died in defense of our country in wars far away. The imagination plays a trick. We see these soldiers in our mind as old and wise. We see them as something like the Founding Fathers, grave and gray-haired. But most of them were boys when they died, they gave up two lives -- the one they were living and the one they would have lived. When they died, they gave up their chance to be husbands and fathers and grandfathers. They gave up their chance to be revered old men. They gave up everything for their county, for us. All we can do is remember." -- Ronald Wilson Reagan - Remarks at Vetteran's Day ceremony, Arlington National Cemetery Arlington, Virginia, November 11, 1985 --- ...Inspirational! Thanks Wesley! -<>- >-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This first piping hot one is from our friend PatDeE. It is sure to warm your heart. A story of a beloved WWII serviceman and famous Cartoonist. Check it out here... .---. ___ /_____\ /\.-`( '.' ) / / \_-_/_ \ `-.-"`'V'//-. `.__, |// , \ |Ll //Ll|\ \ |__// | \_\ /---|[]==| / / \__/ | \/\/ /_ | Ll_\| |`^"""^`| | | | | | | | | | | | | L___l___J jgs |_ | _| (___|___) ^^^ ^^^ Willie, Joe And Bill In WWII http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mauldin.html --- ...Such a touching story! Thank You PatDeE! This next hot tottie is from our friend KarenF. It made me proud of those who had participated to give back a little of what our veterans have given us. Check it out here... .---. .---. .---. .---. /_____\ /_____\ /_____\ /_____\ ( '.' ) ( '.' ) ( '.' ) ( '.' ) \_-_/_ \_-_/_ \_-_/_ \_-_/_ .-"`'V'//-. .-"`'V'//-. .-"`'V'//-. .-"`'V'//-. / , |// , \ / , |// , \ / , |// , \ / , |// , \ / /|Ll //Ll|\ \ / /|Ll //Ll|\ \ / /|Ll //Ll|\ \ / /|Ll //Ll|\ \ / / |__// | \_\ / / |__// | \_\ / / |__// | \_\ / / |__// | \_\ \ \/---|[]==| / / \ \/---|[]==| / / \ \/---|[]==| / / \ \/---|[]==| / / \/\__/ | \/\/ \/\__/ | \/\/ \/\__/ | \/\/ \/\__/ | \/\/ |/_ | Ll_\| |/_ | Ll_\| |/_ | Ll_\| |/_ | Ll_\| |`^"""^`| |`^"""^`| |`^"""^`| |`^"""^`| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | L___l___J L___l___J L___l___J L___l___J |_ | _| |_ | _| |_ | _| |_ | _| jgs (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ Lambeau Field Tribute! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/footballvet.html --- ...Aww, gave me goosebumps! Thanks KarenF! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: The Persistent Drunk A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. .-. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly (, )O() scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar ( )O.( ')o. stool and staggers out the front door. A few |XXXXXXXX|O minutes lataer, the same drunk stumbles in __|//\\//\\|o the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to /.-|\\//\\//| the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender || |//\\//\\| comes over and -- still politely, if not \'-|\\//\\//| more firmly -- refuses service to the man and `"|//\\//\\| again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks jgs |XXXXXXXX| at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, `""`""`""` and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?" ======================================================= +----------------- BIZARRE PHYSICAL ACTS ------------------+ Lee Graber of Tallmadge, Ohio, USA, endured the weight of the heaviest bed of nails on his body. He was sandwiched between two beds of nails, with a weight of 752.5 kg (1,659 lb) placed on top for a total of 10 seconds on June 24, 2000. The weight was loaded on top of him using a crane. England's John Evans achieved the world record for heaviest car balanced on head after he balanced a 159.6 kg (352 lb) Mini on his head for 33 seconds at The London Studios, England, on May 24, 1999. Cyclist Wolfgang Kulovman from Germany set a world record after riding 2.6 miles (4.1 kilometers) in 3 and a quarter hours under the sea on a lead bicycle. Russian athlete Omar Khanapiyev, 38, set a new world record for pulling weight with his teeth. He towed a Kuban oil tanker for 36.3 feet in a shipyard. The vessel's weight was 1,100 tons. ========================================================== >-->From our Friend KarenF :) .--. .--; '. / '. \ | .:. \ '. \ ' ':. '. \ ) ' .:. \ ; / .: ': '. \ | .:' ':. \ ;-"```"-. .'\ ': _;' "._ .' '. .;-'` _ _'.__ / `\ / `'._ /` / \ \ | | ).' '.__.-' \_o/_o/ |/| =} /\ ; =} \/ \ \ \ C) =} '. | /'-/ / \ | / / / .' .' \ _/-| | | / .-' \ | \\ _/_/ | =/` / =|=| \ \ \ | =| | _/_/ / _/_/ \ \ | | | / | | )__\ jgs \__nnn\n\ \__nnn\n\ Elephant Jokes Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A. So they can hide in a strawberry patch. Q. Why do elephants hide in strawberry patches? A. So they can jump out and stomp on people. Q. Why do elephants stomp on people? A. That is how they play squash. Q. What game do elephants like to play most? A. Squash. Q. Why do elephants have flat feet? A. From stomping on people. Q. What do elephants do for laughs? A. They tell people jokes. Q. How do you get an elephant into the fridge? A. 1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door. Q. How do you get a giraffe into the fridge? A. 1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door. Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came Except one. Which one? A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge. Q. How do you know when there's an elephant in the fridge? A. The door won't close. Q. How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge? A. By the footprints in the butter. --- ...Love Em! Thanks KarenF! ( ____ .-. .-""-. .'` _ `'-,//`|-. / ,-'-.`. | \ `. ( `\ | ` \ \ `.) \ | \_@ .=` \ | | / .=\ \ | / \ | | .\ ,____ ==; | \ __.-;.__.'--'`"-, | | `"` / _ \ '=| | | _.' \_) / / | \ ( _ '=_.' | \ \ .-`` `---'` | _ \ \ | = , , / ,_( )) ) `| \__.-'` / \' / .--. /` |nnn / \ / =/ \ ( jgs / ;""""`nn| ( \_ \ ) (nnn__.' '-nnn-' _( |` `"""` More Elephant Jokes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eleph.html -<>- A--A .-./ #\.-. '--;d b;--' \# \/ / \'--'/ |==| | #| |# | / #\ ; # ; | # | /| ,, #|\ /#| || | \ .-.' |# || |# '.-. (.=.),'| ||# |',(.=.) '-' / #)( \ '-' jgs `""` `""` >Jokes Minister: Do you know what's in the bible? Little Girl: Yes, I think I know everything that's in it. Minister: That's a pretty big claim for someone your size. Okay, go Ahead and tell me. Little Girl: Well... let's see... there's a picture of my brother's Girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could Fit inside Noah's ark. But what amazes me most is.... That Noah built The ark without using a single power tool. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's hard being human. Look at the prototypes-Adam & Eve. That's a lot Of pressure being the first people. You make one mistake, *everybody* Hears about it. You're constantly answering embarrassing questions about How you messed up; "Okay for the five millionth time, I was sitting Around, minding my own business, and she goes. . . "Want a bite?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ,%%%%%%%, ,%%/\%%%%/\%, ,%%%\c "" J/%%, %. %%%%/ d b \%%% `%%. __ %%%% _ |%%% `%% .-' `"~--"`%%%%(=_Y_=)%%' // .' `. `%%%%`\7/%%%'____ (( / ; `%%%%%%%'____))) `.`--' ,' _,`-._____`-, jgs `"""`._____ `--,` `))) `~"-))) Q. What happened when the lion ate the comedian? A. He felt funny. Q. How does a lion say hello to other animals? A. "Pleased to eat you!" Q. What do you get when you cross a leopard with a watch dog? A. One very terrified postman! Q. What's the biggest ant in the world? A. An eleph-ant. Q. What's even bigger than that? A. A GI-ant! Q. Why is a ghost like a boomerang? A. They both keep coming back to haunt you. Q. Did you hear about the fortune teller who did speed readings? A. She read instant tea. Q. I sometimes have leaves but I am not a plant. What am I? A. A table. Q. What's big and grey and goes up and down, up and down? A. An elephant on a bungee cord. Q. What has 12 tails, one horn, and squeals? A. A dozen pigs in a pickup truck. Q. What has two horns and goes, "Oom, Oom?" A. A cow walking backwards. (Oom Oom spelled backwards is Moo -<>- __ .-'` ``'-. /o \_ .' '. _.-'\__/ `\ / _..---._ \ .' \/ .-' __ '. \ / ,_ | / (_,`\ | | \ / |:. \ / / / '----'`--'\ \:. '-....-' .' _/ \ /`-..___ _.-' -` \.__ |::. ````` / `) jgs `-::___ __.-'``''` ````````` >Sunday dinner A family had just sat down to enjoy their lunch one Sunday, when there Was a pronounced knock on the front door. The man of the house rose and went impatiently to the door and quickly Opened it. To his surprise there was no-one there and so he looked around to see What had made the noise. As he was about to shut the door again, he noticed on the doorstep a Strangely alert looking snail. The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice Excuse me, but are you about to enjoy a wonderful Sunday meal?" The man was stunned and replied , "Yes, but what's it to you?" Whereupon the snail replied, "My family and I are starving so I was wondering if you could spare us just a little!" The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily, "You cheeky little Snail!" and promptly kicked the snail right over his own hedge and into His neighbour's garden. He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and to Another thought was given to the incident. A few weeks went by. Another Sunday lunch was once more taking place. The family were sitting around the table. They were about to enjoy a feast of a meal when there was again a Pronounced knock on the door. The father arose, strode to the door and threw it open only to find No-one there. Once more as he was about to shut the door, he noticed that this Strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again. The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and said with the utmost Hurt in his voice . "What did you do that for?" -<>- .===. / _/\ \ \/e.e\/ _ ( _ ) / \ _)---(_ \ | / `~` \ /`/ /\/ \/\ / / /| |\_/ \ \\_____/ \ \, L | \_| | | | _|_ | | | | jgs |__|__| (___|___) >Sunday School class The Kindergarten Sunday School class was discussing prayer and the Children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with the Word "Amen." "Does anyone know what 'Amen' means?" the teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with Appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it Means, like, 'Send'." --- ...LOL! Great Ones! Thanks KarenF! -<>- __ .' '. | STOP | '.__.' || || || \\||/// ^jgs^^^^^^^^^^^ >Drive Safely! 1: Which part of your car wears out most often? A: the wiper blades B: the belts C: the horn 2: Automatic door locks are good for... A: security B: convenience C: messing with the heads of people trying to get in 3: I hate the rain because... A: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions B: I answered (a) to question #1 C: I just washed my car 4: Please select the statement that best describes you. A: I have never written in the dust on someone's car B: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car C: I have drawn pictures in the dust on someone's car 5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for... A: dark, poorly lit roads B: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way C: revenge! 6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to... A: get it loud enough to drown out road noise B: get it head banging loud for my Metallica CD C: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet 7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last Year? A: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver B: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks C: before or after they took my license away? 8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving? A: "go ahead" B: "thank you" C: "@#!*&%^!" 9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should... A: be aware of them B: speed up and get past them C: open the door 10: Your rear view mirror is for... A: watching for approaching cars B: watching for approaching police cars C: checking your hair 11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should... A: pull off to the side of the road and rest B: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or Mountain Dew C: drive faster 12: The Highway Patrol exists to... A: ensure the safety of all motorists B: issue as many tickets as possible C: keep donut shops in business 13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change... A: 50 feet prior B: 25 feet prior C: right after you do it 14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on... A: a minivan B: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler C: bail 15: The best thing about a chauffeured limousine is... A: I don't have to drive B: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink C: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at people. Scoring The Quiz: Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for Every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below. 15-24 Points You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and Observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And Since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time. Long Enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of those Old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the Fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off. 25-35 Points Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You get Where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the Type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except your Mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in front Of you! You're going to kill us all!" 36-45 Points Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive Defensively? You're the reason. --- ...Fun Test! Thanks KarenF! ============================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: [Politics] >From PatriotUpdate: US Special Ops: We’ve sent troops into North Korea http://tinyurl.com/6majkds -<>- >From TheTeaPartyExonomist: Do Not Click a Weird Amazon Invoice -- Trojan Horse! http://tinyurl.com/7hntgtt -<>- >From the TeaParty: Obama spends over $100,000 of your money to train his dog Take a look at some of Obama’s most disgusting frauds—including: --> 22 personal servants for his wife! --> Over $100,000 for a personal dog traainer! All coming out of taxpayer pockets!!! (I urge you to send this to your friends and spread the word: O’liar is going down!) http://tinyurl.com/7ltpxu6 -<>- >From TeaPartyUpdate: Rand Paul Drops Bomb To Disarm Feds http://tinyurl.com/7nzbpoa -<>- >From CowboyByte: Romney Campaign Plays its Trump Card http://tinyurl.com/7wgpuua -<>- >From BizarreNews: There is always that one lonely, awkward kid in high school who the teacher befriends, and then sometimes the student develops a crush on the teacher. Usually it ends there, unless you are one of those crazy types who think they can have a sexual affair with a fifteen or sixteen-year-old and keep it a secret. And then there is this story, where the teacher, or track coach in this case, befriended the lonely, awkward kid and then went to prom with him. The coach is Melissa Bowerman, 41, who had been coaching the Condon/Wheeler track and field team in Oregon. Bowerman said attending the Condon High School prom with a boy from the track team was an error in judgment, but she said the pair did not have an inappropriate relationship. She said they danced to a few slow songs but mostly played ping pong and foosball. The coach -- or former coach, rather -- who has a son on the track team, said she went to the prom because the boy felt bad that he lacked a date and had been struggling in English class. "If they go on (academic) probation and suspension, then they can't go to the track meets," Bowerman said. "I said, 'OK, I will go with you, but we've got to talk about English first. You're going to do better in English." So apparently the prom date was a success. It was only after- ward that a problem arose. "There was an investigation done and through that there were some potential details that arose," Condon superintendent Jan Zarate said. "We started an investigation that led to us asking her to un-volunteer." Perhaps there was more ball play involved than on the foosball table. Either way I guess it's better than going to prom with your mom. *-- Harry Potter fans get rid of unwanted owls --* ULGHAM, England - British bird sanctuaries said they are filling up with owls as Harry Potter-inspired pet owners get tired of the birds. Pam Toothill, of the Owlcenter in Corwen, Wales, said she had only six of the birds prior to the release of the first Harry Potter film, but the number has since grown to 100 owls, The Mirror reported Monday. "People saw Harry's owl in the movies and thought how cute and cuddly they looked. Now they are bored and fed-up with all the work involved looking after an owl," Toothill said. Kim Olson, owner of the Sanctuary Wildlife Care Center in Ulgham, England, said many people have been illegally releasing their pet owls into the wild. "When people saw Harry Potter loads of them wanted an owl. They've kept them in their shed or garage for a bit and now they've got bored and they hand them in to us," she said. "It's illegal to release an owl into the wild because they would take over from the native wild owls, but obviously a lot of people have ignored that law." Harry Potter author JK Rowling has asked her fans to do the proper research before deciding to obtain an owl as a pet. "If anybody has been influenced by my books to think an owl would be happiest shut in a small cage and kept in a house, I would like to take this opportunity to say as forcefully as I can, 'You are wrong,'" she said. *-- School keeps prom separate from porn expo --* MIAMI - Administrators at a Florida school said police were on hand to make sure their prom did not intermingle with a porn convention going on at the same venue. Gwen Zaldivar, the activities director for Miami Beach Senior High School, said extra security steps were taken when administrators discovered the prom held during the weekend would be sharing the Miami Beach Convention Center with the Exxxotica Expo pornography convention, WFOR-TV, Miami, reported Monday. "We ... hired police officers," Zaldivar said. "We [worked] with the Miami Beach Convention Center to make sure they have their security in place as well." Zaldivar said police, security workers and teachers stood guard at the venue to ensure the two events did not intermingle. School officials said their choices of prom venues were limited. "We do not hold our proms in venues such as hotels for the safety of our children and to discourage drinking," Zaldivar said. "Therefore this was the only available location and it's easy to control the students are safe." *-- Lego tower reaches 104 feet, 8 inches tall --* SEOUL -- Lego officials in South Korea announced the crown prince of Denmark placed the final brick on the world's largest Lego tower, measuring 104 feet, 8 inches tall. Lego Korea said the tower, which was built in Seoul during the weekend by 4,000 young contest winners (with lots of time on their hands), was planned to mark the 80th anniversary of the Lego group. The final brick defeated the previous world record of 103 feet, 8 inches, which was set in France. *-- Son-in-law finds lost ring after 43 years --* CHAPMAN, Ala. -- An Alabama woman who lost her class ring more than 40 years ago said she was shocked when her son-in- law found it after less than 10 minutes of searching. Betty Black said she thought she would never see the Georgiana High School class ring again after she lost it while playing softball in Chapman 43 years ago, but her son-in-law, Wendell Watkins, decided to take another look at the plot of land, which he now owns. "I walked out on the land and tried to figure out how the softball field was laid out," Watkins said. "I found the pitchers mound and then figured out where the backstop was. I was out there for 10 minutes and I saw something that looked out of place in the dirt. I yelled to my kids, I found it. They were like, 'no way, not that fast.'" However, Watkins said he brushed the dirt off the ring and soon positively identified it as his mother-in-law's long-lost keepsake. "He put his fingers in his pocket, and brought out the ring, I almost had a seizure and I was crying," Black said of when Watkins gave her the ring back. *-- Finger found in Arby's sandwich --* Michigan -- A Michigan couple said their family will no longer be eating fast food after the woman's 14-year-old son found a piece of a human finger in his Arby's sandwich. Jamie Vail and Joe Wheaton said the woman's son, Ryan Hart, discovered the finger fragment when he bit into his Arby's junior roast beef sandwich at the Jackson restaurant and spit the object out to identify it as a piece of finger. Jackson Police and the Jackson County Health Department determined a worker had cut her finger on a meat slicer at the restaurant moments prior to the incident. Steve Hall, environmental health director for the Jackson County Health Department, said he believes other workers stepped in to the woman's station without being aware of what had taken place. Vail said she has obtained a lawyer but has not yet decided on a course of action. Wheaton said the long-term consequences of the incident are clear. "We don't eat fast food no more," Wheaton said. *-- Man hiding from girlfriend gets stuck --* Russia -- A man who had to be cut from a garbage chute in the Russian city of Tyumen told emergency workers he was hiding from his girlfriend. The 32-year-old man said he was on the eighth floor of his building when he decided to disappear. He went into free fall before getting wedged in at the fifth-floor level of the garbage chute. "A witness reported to the regional rescue service that there was a man in the chute," said a spokeswoman for Emergency Response Services. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Linda :) |\ |\ |\ |\ || .---. || .---. || .---. || .---. ||/_____\ ||/_____\ ||/_____\ ||/_____\ ||( '.' ) ||( '.' ) ||( '.' ) ||( '.' ) || \_-_/_ || \_-_/_ || \_-_/_ || \_-_/_ :-"`'V'//-. :-"`'V'//-. :-"`'V'//-. :-"`'V'//-. / , |// , `\ / , |// , `\ / , |// , `\ / , |// , `\ / /|Ll //Ll|| | / /|Ll //Ll|| | / /|Ll //Ll|| | / /|Ll //Ll|| | /_/||__// || | /_/||__// || | /_/||__// || | /_/||__// || | \ \/---|[]==|| | \ \/---|[]==|| | \ \/---|[]==|| | \ \/---|[]==|| | \/\__/ | \| | \/\__/ | \| | \/\__/ | \| | \/\__/ | \| | /\|_ | Ll_\ | /|/_ | Ll_\ | /|/_ | Ll_\ | /|/_ | Ll_\ | `--|`^"""^`||_| `--|`^"""^`||_| `--|`^"""^`||_| `--|`^"""^`||_| | | ||/ | | ||/ | | ||/ | | ||/ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | L___l___J L___l___J L___l___J L___l___J |_ | _| |_ | _| |_ | _| |_ | _| jgs (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ >BOB HOPE Tribute to a man who DID make a difference. He Was ESPECIALLY There For Our Troops! ON TURNING 70 'I still chase women, but only downhill'.. ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.' ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.' ON TURNING 100 'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.' ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.' ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'. ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.' ON PRESIDENTS 'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.' ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER 'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham. ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.' ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.' ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.' ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.' ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.' Give me a sense of humor; Lord, give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and to the person receiving this the grace to pass it on to others --- ...LOL! Thanks for the memories of a great man Linda! ============================================================ >-->From CleanLaffs: ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef. She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up. Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever. He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening. -<>- Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look." -<>- When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats." -<>- _______ /______/"=, [ | "=, "=,, [-----+----"=,* ) (_---_____---_)/ (O) (O) Emiliano As I quizzed my driver's-education students about road signs, the one for Slow Moving Vehicle stumped them. So I offered them a hint by lifting the sign above my head and slowly parading up and down the room. One student thought he had it: "Wide load!" he called out. -<>- A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years." -<>- A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll." Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient." The daughter thinks for a minute and then replies, "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down." -<>- .---------------. / oLo \ O/_____/________/____\O /__________+__________\ / (#############) \ |[**](#############)[**]| \_______________________/ |_""__|_,-----,_|__""_| | | '-----' | | APC'97 '-' '-' Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way. They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?" -<>- One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about about him?" =========================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: ,-=-. [[_ @~] ((a a)) ` = ' _.-) (-._ /( ("+") )\ / \ \./ / \ (=<( \/8\/ )>=) \ \- 8| -/ / \/_> 8|<_\/ ;-.__;,-; | | | | | | | | '-.___,;' ) ) / ' |( ) ( \_ /_|^--' gpyy \_! >We the Women Take all American women who are within five years of menopause -train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children; we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding Bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ...with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! -<>- .--.-. ( |\ `) (__/` ) ) / e ( ) .' \ ) \^ __/ ) ) .'"-. \-__/\ ( )______ / `\ | `-; | `\.-. ) | \ / \ ) ) | '--' | ( ( | .-. .-. | `--` |\ /\/ | | \/ /| |\ './ / /------\ \ _.'//| \`';_/ / \\ \'_.'`/ '. `-./_`"""""` ;\_.-' .' jgs '-._ `""""""` _.-' `'-.........-'` Grandpa Cut Up A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company. -<>- Getting Even One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!" -<>- _,,,_ .' `'. / ____ \ | .'_ _\/ / ) a a| / ( > | blah, blah, blahBlahBlah ( ) ._ / ) _/-.__.'`\ ( .-'`-. \__ ) `/ `-./ `. | \ \ \ jgs | \ \ \ \ |\ `. / / \ 10 Mistakes Most Men Make With Women Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Fail With Women - And How To Make Sure YOU Avoid Every One Of These Deadly Common Mistakes... 1) Being Too Much Of A "Nice" Guy Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted to "nice" guys? Of course you have. Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU. What's going on here? It's actually very simple. Women don't base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them. And guess what? Being nice doesn't make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION. And being nice doesn't make a woman choose you. I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, but get over it. Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you'll NEVER have the success with women that you want. 2) Trying To "Convince" Her To Like You What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she's just not interested? Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently. Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION! Never, ever, ever. You cannot convince a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning". Think about it. If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that by being "reasonable" with her? But we all do it. When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind. Bad idea. Another one that will never work. 3) Looking For Her Approval Or Permission In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission". Another HORRIBLE idea. Women are never attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER. Don't get me wrong here. You don't have to treat women BADLY for them to like you. But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again. You will never succeed by looking for approval. 4) Trying To Buy Affection With Food And Gifts How many times have you take a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn't treat her even HALF as well as you did? If you're like me, then you've had it happen a lot. Well guess what? It's only natural when this happens... When you do these things, you send a clear message: "I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection". Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. 5) Sharing How You "Feel" Too Early With Her Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on. Attractive women are rare. They get a LOT of attention from men. Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another all the time by men. An attractive woman is often approached several times a day by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often hundreds of times per month. And guess what? Attractive women have usually dated a lot of men. That's right. They have EXPERIENCE. They know what to expect. And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates. This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves. Don't do it. Lean back. Relax. There's a much better way... 6) Not "Getting" How Attraction Works For Her Women are different from men. You need to accept this fact, and deal with it. When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction. But does the same apply for women? Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on? Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks. Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around? Think about it. Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they're attracted to the way a man makes them feel than they are to looks alone. If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman. But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this. And ANY guy can learn how... ) ) __ ( __ (~( __ (~( \O\ )~) )O) )_) (O( (_(__ ( )_) ) )~)__ __ /O/ )~) ) (~( (_( (O( __ \O\ ) )_)(~( \_\ __ )O) ( __________ _ (~( __(_( __ _-' `-_ ,-----' | _ \O\<'~_`) ) )~) / *SNORT!* \ | // : | -' )_))^ \\ __(O( ___| MUHAHAHAHAHAH!!! | | // : | --- >__;` (~( )_) `-. She'll Luv Me!!!! | | // : | -._ /\_\ \O\ \ YEEHAH!!! / `-----._| __ /__( \| )_) `--___________--' _/___\_ //)_`/( (| ||] _____[_______]_[~~-_ (.L)O) || [____________________]' (_(,/(~( ||| / )~) ,___,'./\O\ ||| \ (O(|,'______|( )_) ||| / )_) I==|| __ ||| \ __/_|| __||__)~) -----||-/------`-._/||-o-_o__(O(-- __ ~~~~~' ____ __ /_O_/.\_\ \~\ \_O_\ /~/__/_/O`.o. \O\ ____ /O/_\_O/_/ `.' . \_\ /_O_/ /_/\_O_\ \O\ ,o,' \_\ `.' Ool 7) Thinking That It Takes Money And Looks One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age. And sure, there are women who are only interested in these things. But MOST women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks. There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet... And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys. 8) Giving Away All Of Your Power To Women Earlier I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission. Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women. Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants. Another bad idea... Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over. Women aren't attracted to Wussies! 9) Not Knowing What To Do In Each Type Of Situation A woman always knows what you're thinking. I know, it might be hard to believe. But if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it. And if you don't know HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help! And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating... Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything. If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING. 10) Not Getting Help This is the biggest mistake of all. This is the mistake that keeps most men from EVER having the kind of success with women that they truly want. I know, guys don't like to make themselves look weak or helpless. We don't like to ask for help. Hey, I've been there myself. Let me tell you a little about me. About five years ago I became fed up with the fact that I didn't know how to approach, meet, and get dates with women that I was attracted to. It frustrated the heck out of me. One night I was out with a friend, and I saw a woman I wanted to ask out, but I just couldn't get up the nerve to do it. I can still remember that night... I made the decision to do whatever it took to learn how to be successful with women and dating. Well, after a lot of hard work and trying all kinds of crazy things, I finally figured it all out. I can now approach just about any woman and get her number almost instantly. I've dated models, I've dated actresses, and I've dated nice, normal, regular girls as well. It has been a very rewarding experience. I no longer feel that sick, insecure feeling... like I don't know how to meet women... and I might wind up alone. I know that anytime, anywhere, I can go out and meet attractive women. I've written a book on the topic, and I've done seminars on both coasts of the United States... and taught tens of thousands of men all around the world. (The rest taked off by me! - J.R.) -<>- As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. - John Fitzgerald Kennedy -<>- |><|~|><| /(((9)))\ //) -_- (\\ (((( ._. )))) ))))---(((( ((((`---')))) (___|xXxXx|___) \ | | / / ^ ^ ^ \ / \ (_._._._._._) \ | / ( | ) | | | hjw |-|-| /`-^-'\ (__,^.__) Bow Your Head Preacher There was once a preacher who had a little five year old daughter. Now the little girl notice that every time her dad stood behind the pulpit, and was getting ready to preach he would bow his head for moment before he began to preach. The little girl noticed that he did this every time. So one day after the service the little girl when to her dad and asked him, "Why do you bow your head right before you preach your sermon?" "Well Honey" the preacher answered, " I asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." The little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Then how come he doesn't do it?" -<>- The Librarian The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a 'Contract' for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as was the custom. The new Librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "At least that other Librarian we had could write." -<>- Yard Sale Anger A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale." "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied. "Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set." -<>- Are your house numbers visible? I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!" -<>- Interviewing Applicants A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job. -<>- The Not So Golden Rule In Denver the members of a Sunday school class were asked to set down their favorite Biblical Truths. One youngster laboriously printed: "Do one to others as others do one to you." Lee Olson- The Denver Post From Sermon Fodder Christian Humor. ========================================== Christian Humor Religion is a solemn subject, and so lends itself especially to humor. -- The Readers Digest "See You In Church" Section 1964 www.rd.com -<>- .-. ## ) * _.-+*'`*+-._ ,## _ _ #. ;### ((.;;.)) ##: .=._.; ,-*:;;:*-. *##:._.=, >##; *-')_@@_(`-* ;###< ---------------`****------(o `` o)-----*****'-------------e:l `-""-' >RIDDLES When the passenger found the bed was too hard, the water too cold, and other problems with his sleeping car arrangements he complained to the conductor about what? Berth Defects (Clynch Varnadore) Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be a chef? He figured it would add a little spice to his life, but he found out he just didn't have the thyme. (Peter Stone).. Automobile manufacturers know that the day of the week a body is made determines its safety. For example, cars produced on Friday are most likely to have construction failures with Mondays not far behind. The safest cars are made on the second day of work each week after recovering from the weekend but before boredom and fatigue sets in. Because of this automobile frames constructed at that time are known throughout the industry as: Tuesday Welds (Stan Kegel) What do you tell someone when they've just found out their spouse has left them? .... May Divorce be with you. (The International Save the Pun Foundation) What do you call steaks ordered by 10 jews? Filet Minyan! (Bob Levi) How might one describe an armed king of the beasts? A cat with lion knives. (Lars Hanson) What do you call it when a group of U-boats come together to form a tightly grouped underwater attack team? Submerge . (Tyler Kaus) What would you call a Broadway musical featuring themes of deception and one-on-one sword fights? "Guise and Duels." (Tyler Kaus) In the 19th century, many painful things might be seen on the face of a man who kept a stiff upper lip and turned the other cheek when confronted by a bully. He could get a brow beating, a nose blow, or a tongue lashing. Although it would be a lobe blow, he might even have his ears boxed. Beyond all of this, there is an even more hair raising thing that would commonly happened to many a fellow's face. What was it? Moustache whacks (Gary Hallock) What do you call 10 Hadassah members at a reform temple? A Filly Minyon (Stan Kegel) -<>- .-. ## ) * _.-+*'`*+-._ ,## _ _ #. ;### ((.;;.)) ##: .=._.; ,-*:;;:*-. *##:._.=, >##; *-')_@@_(`-* ;###< ---------------`****------(o `` o)-----*****'-------------e:l `-""-' >COMICS "Mark my words, Wendy, one day you'll see my name in lights." "Norman, the only way you're going to see your name in lights is to change it to '75 watts'. (Drabble: Kevin Fagin) In a sign that Latin marketing has gone too far, this next song is by the newest boy band, “’n Synco de Mayo.” (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcazar) "I'm discouraged. Out of the last ten battles with the English, we've lost every one. What does that tell you?" "That we should be fighting the French instead?" (Hager the Horrible: Chris Browne) "I'm Ed Crankshaft and I'm here for my eye exam!" "As long as you're here, we'll just check both of your eyes." (Crankshaft: Batiuk & Ayers) “We’re looking for a hard-headed administrator” “Great! Everybody I know says I have a thick skull!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves) Can you make a deep splash without getting into deep water? (Graffiti: Gene Mora) “Any reports on the Falcon’s hereabouts, Chief?” “We tracked him as far as L. A. and then he vanished into thick air.” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins) “You really should watch what you eat, Winnie.” “I try, Ruthy, but my eyes just aren’t fast enough” (Campbell & Ellison) Give an example of extreme salinity. Lot’s wife. (Ginger Meggs: James Kemsley) -<>- .-. ## ) * _.-+*'`*+-._ ,## _ _ #. ;### ((.;;.)) ##: .=._.; ,-*:;;:*-. *##:._.=, >##; *-')_@@_(`-* ;###< ---------------`****------(o `` o)-----*****'-------------e:l `-""-' >ONE-LINERS: There was a Chinese Restaurant in which the bill was added up on a hand-held calculator. In this case the batteries were getting weak and the display was getting hard to read. It was a dim sum. (Gary Hallack) What I love doing more than anything is trying to pack myself in a small suitcase; I can hardly contain myself. (Naveed Ijaz) Is a questionnaire on the types of Mexican beers people like called a cerveza? (Tiff Wimberly) One time I had to go to a funeral at 6 AM. I shouldn't have been there. I'm not a mourning person. (Sean) Some moss took a lichen to a tree. (Pun of the Day) Last winter I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow, then I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?" (Naveed Ijaz) Did you really make that big boat out of the wood in that old pier? Yes. It's a ship off the 'ol dock. (Tyler Kaus) My roof leaks—due to a lack of good ceiling. (The Big Pun ) A janitor with a broom in hand swept her off her feet. (Pun of the Day) When a boxer practices in winter, he may be out cold. (Pun of the Day) Writers cramp is sometimes know as authoritis. Even if they have a pencil, it soon becomes pointless. (Mike Bull) A Chinese proctologist who was illegally performing free rectal exams. He got off on probe-Asian. (Gary Hallock) A talkative politician was the world's first passenger side air-bag. (Pun of the Day) For many women, high-heeled shoes are arch enemies. (PANews) On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the nursery. There I was surrounded by trees and bushes. (Dr. Quack) Those who plant trees be-leaf in the future. (Pun of the Day) His itch for money made him scratch for it. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) "The company's accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he is retiring." (Milton Berle) While her sister was having a baby, she waited in eager aunticipation. (Ed Soliday) "The cannibal wiped his mouth daintily and said, "My wife makes great soup but I'll miss her." (Milton Berle) I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. (Paul Cooper) Lawyers always have a drink when they're called to the bar. But they usually want just-ice. That is, when they're not at lager-heads.(Mike Bull) Drug companies have come up with a new product - a combination aphrodisiac and laxative. They say the results are easy come, easy go. (Coop’s Daily Joke Fix) When I asked my Garu what that funny thing with all the beads on it, he replied, "I think this is my abacus, but I wouldn't count on it." (Lee Daniel Quinn) Before writing a final copy, a writer needs a pre-text. (Mike Bull) If you say you have bad skin, I'd say that was a pore excuse. (Pun of the Day) In 1899, The first shoemaker opened his shop; he had a lot of sole. (Daryl Stout). The church janitor was also the organist, and had to watch his keys and pews. (Pun of the Day) It is important for a ballet student to make her pointe. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) A bear went over the mountain to see what was bruin, (Pun of the Day) Writers are, at present, tense, though their lives are punctuated by many good periods. (Mike Bull) He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. (Pun of the Day) A drunk was taking a swim in a Scotland tourist spot where there is a law that says you can't swim in the loch while drunk. He was charged with public drunk-in-Ness. (Gary Hallock) If you saw a bear foot in the woods it would give you paws for concern. (Pun of the Day) A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster." (Naveed Ijaz) An enterprising rabbi is offering circumcisions via the internet. The service is said to be called "E-Moil"! Bob Levi) 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. (Randall Woodman) Stanley lives in Warsaw and Wanda lives in Crakow. It might be said that they are Poles apart. (PANews) Rearranging our schedule can bias time.(Mike Bull) Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy. (Daily Groaner) ================================================================ >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Angel Wing Decoys http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/angel.html Advice For Living http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/advice.html Chalk Art 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart5.html Sand Sculpture Art 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sandart3.html All Occasion Cars http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/allcar.html Awesome Bikes http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/awesomebikes.html Corner Of Paradise http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/corner.html Fishing In Florida! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fishing.html Garbage Truck Camper http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/garbage.html Life's Little Oops 9 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops9.html World's Largest Rodent http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/caplin.html -<>- >From Our Friend Victor :) Sound all the way up for this one.. Comedian Ron Pearson on Late Late Show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98NzyANnEIg --- ...LMAO! Love this one! Thanks Victor! This is the Chicago field museum http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxkAQb-TrQU&feature=related --- ...LOL! How cool! Thanks Victor! Half of Detroit's Streetlights May Go Out as City Shrinks http://tinyurl.com/867pfts --- ...Sad! Too many people out of work! Thanks Victor! ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "According to new census data, Falls Church, Va. is the best- educated area in the U.S. I tried to find out how New York did, but I couldn't find anyone who knowed." -Jimmy Fallon "A new food bill has been signed into law. It's part of our war against donuts. If we're not vigilant, the donuts will win." -Craig Ferguson "7-Eleven has announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine. This is for people who find the idea of buying wine at Walmart too pretentious." -Jay Leno "I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream." -Craig Ferguson "More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn." -Jimmy Kimmel "Grandparents complain that their families don't call them. But in their defense, a lot of the time that people call, grandparents answer the blender." -Craig Ferguson "Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for shipping and handling." -David Letterman "The University of Chicago is hosting an academic conference called 'Jersey Shore Studies.' Meanwhile in Korea, students are learning something called 'math.'" -Jimmy Kimmel Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited while imagination embraces the entire world. - Albert Einstein The fool wonders, the wise man asks. - Benjamin Disraeli >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************