>> H A P P Y S A F E M E M O R I A L D A Y! << _ (_) |_________________________________________ |* * * * * |##########################| | * * * * *| | |* * * * * |##########################| | * * * * *| | |* * * * * |##########################| | * * * * *| | |* * * * * |##########################| |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |#########################################| | | |#########################################| | | |###################################JGS###| |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | Freedom's Colors | ©2002 Roger W Hancock (www.PoetPatriot.com) | | | Red is for Bravery; | blood shed in sacrifice. | Freedom came with lives the price. | | White is for Liberty; | freedom's purity. | Life be free from God's decree. | | Blue is for Justice; | as vast as the sky. | Over freedom's land to occupy. ------------------------------------------------------------- My Soldier's Mom My child, you glow in uniform In pride I live, my heart so warm I have such precious thoughts cascade Some old, some new, not one will fade How hard that day we said good-bye The joy, the pain, etched in my eye You left to serve our country well My perfect one, my tears did swell No better soldier could there be For in my love, that's all I see Oh how I pray for you each day Be safe, be well, God guide your way I keep your home in wait with me Your Mom will guard it faithfully How great the day when you'll return We'll talk and talk, night-lights to burn My Soldier's Mom, is who I am While you do proud, for Uncle Sam Roger J. Robicheau -<>- No One Prouder There is no one prouder than a fine military mother Her support is of the strongest caliber to be found She knows what she has to do and lovingly does it Great faith is something she so abundantly shows The motivation of these sincere women is heartwarming The way they give to their own and others is an inspiration Their sincere effort to be helpful is foremost in their thought And how wondeful they perform when united in purpose They are such tremendous supporters of all our military troops Ask one hundred members of our Armed Forces about this You'll see how many place a loving mother right up at the top Don't bother asking this veteran, my words spell it out for me May God bestow many blessings on these very special women I'm in awe of their strength, determination, and courage Behold the powerful fortitude they so steadfastly show Do strive to keep them in your daily prayers and thoughts Roger J. Robicheau - US Military Veteran (Four Years) ------------------------------------------------------------- MEMORIAL DAY ============;===========;() # # # #:::::: # # # #:::::: # # # #:::::: # # # #:::::: # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # jgs # # # # # # # A time for picnics, time off work - Vacations and the "Indy" - A holiday, too often times We forget what, it should be. A time to pay respect to those Who rallied to the battle cry - Who gave their lives for liberty - Those freedoms for you and I. Such a waste of brave young souls - Some still struggling through their youth Who faced and fell willingly Before wartimes' awful truth. So as we share this holiday With our friends or family - Take a moment to give thanks to Those who died so we'd stay free. Let us strive for world peace - For the end of greed and hate - For next time, after "the war" It just may be too damned late. -<>- FREEDOMS' MEMORIAL ============;===========;() # # # #:::::: # # # #:::::: # # # #:::::: # # # #:::::: # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # jgs # # # # # # # This day is set aside to honor those who took the chance to die. But they have died in vain if we ever forget the reason why. Freedom can be like time slipping away before we even know. But we all have the choice more, a duty to battle freedoms' foe. Let us give thanks this day to all those brave who paid the highest cost. Not take it for granted and realize it easily could be lost. by Del "Abe" Jones [Copyright, 1991] From his book of poetry, "THE WORLD, WAR, FREEDOM, AND MORE." To buy a copy of his book, please contact the author at ABEabe@worldnet.att.net ======== NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED SMILES ======== >-->Here's a Memorial Day treat for you from BizarreNews: As many of you have probably heard...especially those of you here in the Midwest...we are about to be inundated with 17-year cicadas. As the name implies, these large, flying insects come out of the ground once every seventeen years, mostly in the Midwest, and quite literally swamp the area for a few months. There are hundreds of millions if not billions of them. They are mostly harmless, do not bite and at most cause an annoyance by their sheer numbers. Not to mention that they are ugly little suckers. Their one big advantage is that like many insects, cicadas are edible and can even be very tasty if prepared correctly. If any of you are adventurous you can try this recipe... '-. , , .-' \ _.-'"'-._ / \ (_).---.(_) / '-/ \-' \__.---.__/ / .' '. \ ,--(_;.-----.;_)--, / | \ / | \ / /;'-.'._.'.-';\ \ ,-' /, \~ \-=-/ ~/ ,\ '-, ; ; |~ '.' ~| ; ; |; ' \=====/ ; ;| /| ; ;_| === |_; ; |\ / | \_/;= = =;\_/ | \ _/ | ; ;_ \===/ _; ; | \_ ` | \_/ ;\=/; \_/ | ` | \_| ; ;|; ; |_/ | ;\_/ ; ;/ \; ; \_/; ;/, ; ; | | ; ; ,\; ; ; ; / \ ; ; ; jgs \; ; ;| |; ; ;/ \; ; / \ ; ;/ \_.' '._/ SOFT-SHELLED CICADAS ---- I've added it to Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes :) http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes ===================================================================== >-->From the FunnyBone: Next Time You Think You're Having A Bad Day The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. ,_ A minute later they were \::, both eaten by a killer whale. |::::\ |:::::\ __/:::::::\,____ _.-::::::::::::::::::::==..,____ .-::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.,__ .:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::) .:::::'```'-::::::::::::::::::::::(__,__`)::::-' .;;;;;;::. ':::::::::::::::::::-:::::@::-'""-, .------:::::::::::' '-::::::::::' / `'--'"""".-' /:::::::::/:::/` _,..-----.,__ `''''`/ ;__,..--''--'` `'--::::::::::|-'` `'---'| | `\::::\ \ / |:::::| '-' \::::| jgs `\::| \/ A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. ( ____ Intending to jolt him away from ) .;'` `';, the deadly current she whacked him ( // \\ with a handy plank of wood by the ,_ || _..-n-.._ || back door, breaking his arm in two (c)\||-"'-.....-"-;| places. Till that moment he had been \ ;' Y happily listening to his Walkman. \_/` \ ; ; Two animal rights protesters were | | protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs | | to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. jgs '.__ __.' Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand ``""""""`` of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. =================================================================== +--------------------- Bizarre Trivia ---------------------+ Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people. A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off until it dies from starvation. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old. One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue. In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people. ============================================================= >-->From Our Friend Betty :) ,-.___.-. ,-.(|) (|),-. \_*._ ' '_.* _/ /`-.`--' .-'\ ,--./ `---' \,--. \ |( ) ( )| / hjw \ | || || | / `97 \ | /|\ /|\ | / / \-._ _,-/ \ //| \\ `---' // |\\ /,-.,-.\ /,-.,-.\ o o o o o o A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (You're gonna love this) (Its a real treat) (A masterpiece) (Wait for it) (Here it comes) The bank manager looks back at her and says .. "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are .) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did! ---- ...A good one Betty - Thanks! ===================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Pat :) Hi! I just want to wish all a fun and safe holiday weekend and let us not forget the reason for this special time. May God bless. Your always friend Pat --- I'm blonde, but this is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you enjoy!!! lol lol hahaha rofl lmao --- ,,,,, /((())\ \(((()/ (| _ _ | /( - ) (((\_~_/ ))).' '.__ /`\ ___ /`\ | /` `\ | | \___,___/ | | |\ /| | | | ) ( | | / /` `\\ \ / /| | \ \ /.(\;`-._.-`; /)|\ _(\\))| | | /// / \ | ; | | | / '._______.' | / ) | ( / | \ jgs | | | \ | / / Y \ (_/ \_) Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's Fair. Here's your money." Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Tom took the money. --- ... TeeHee! Thanks Pat! -<>- -The whole world is trying to take away our praying and our religions. This is sad. May God bless our military. THIS NEEDS TO GO AROUND THE USA MANY TIMES SO KEEP IT GOING \\ ///// | | (| _ _ |) |` | '| | __ | >>>___/\_^__/\___<<< / ||| \ The Marines are pictured bowing their heads. That's because they're praying. This incident took place at a recent ceremony honoring the birthday of the corps, and it has the ACLU up in arms. "These are federal employees, " says Luci us Traveler, a spokesman for the ACLU, "on federal property and on federal time. For them to pray is clearly an establishment of religion, and we must nip this in the bud immediately." When asked about the ACLU's charges, Colonel Jack Fessender, speaking for the Commandant of the Corps said (cleaned up a bit), "Screw the ACLU." GOD Bless Our Warriors, Send the ACLU to France. Please send this to people you know so everyone will know how stupid the ACLU is Getting in trying to remove GOD from everything and every place in America. May God Bless America, One Nation Under GOD! GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON! I am sorry but I am not breaking this one..... --- ...me neither! Thanks Pat! =================================================================== >-->Bring On the SMILES - From Inspired Buffalo: I am a Soldier I am a soldier in the army of my God. The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer. The Holy Bible is my Code of Conduct. Faith, prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare. I have been taught by the Holy Spirit, Trained by experience, Tried by adversity, And tested by fire. I am a volunteer in this army, enlisted for eternity. I will either retire in this army, or die in this army. But, I will not get out, sell out, be talked out, or pushed out. I am faithful, reliable, capable, and dependable. If my God needs me, I am here. I am a soldier. I am not a baby. I do not need to be pampered, petted, primed up, pumped up, picked up, or pepped up. I am a soldier! No one has to call me, remind me, write me, visit me, entice me, or lure me. I am a solider! I am not a wimp. I am on duty, saluting my King. Obeying His orders, praising His name, and building His Kingdom. No one has to send me flowers, gifts, food, cards, candy, or give me handouts. I do not need to be cuddled, cradled, cared for, or catered to. I am committed. I cannot have my feelings hurt bad enough to turn me aside. I cannot lose enough to cause me to quit. When Jesus called me into this army, I had nothing. If I end up with nothing I will still come out even. I will win! My God will supply all my needs. I am more than a conqueror. I will always triumph. I can do all things through Christ. Devils cannot defeat me. People cannot disillusion me. Weather cannot deter me. Sickness cannot stop me. Battles cannot beat me. Money cannot buy me. Governments cannot silence me. And Hell cannot handle me! I am a soldier. Even death cannot destroy me. I am a soldier, in the army. I¹m marching, claiming victory. I will not give up. I will not retreat. I am a soldier, marching Heaven bound. Here I stand! Will you stand with me, or against me? Subscribe send a blank email to: the-inspired-buffalo-subscribe@yahoogroups.com --- ...AMEN! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Joh-Paul :) WISDOM In the ocean`s salty brine, Suspended forever in endless Time, And where but, in a driving sea, Does wonderment most untimely be, To endure the storms-- gone astray. The answer for all `Cast-a-ways Contrary winds -- bellowing in vain, Unable to ease ones trembling pain, While great bolstering sails, Mimics puppy dog tails, Wagging , endlessly, yet, untamed. Then, dare one to look, Into mirror of a placid brook, Ah, a smile--no fear, but now control, Striving for knowledge, let Wisdom prevail, Putting strong wind in your Sails For in it`s time, be ready, speek up, be Bold , Then can You not see?, That the answers to all life`s `Woes` and Dreams to be, Lay in the `WISDOM`, `Ya, in the very depths of "THEE"--- (The wisdom we gain when looking into the mirror of ourselves. If it were not for the trials of life, would we ever learn)? Always~~~~~~~~John-Paul --- ...Nice! - Thanks John-Paul! =========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Dick :) >Nice Landing! this is cool Dick ----------- F-15 Eagle ! M / \ { } { } { } # # :_____: || || |!___!| | ___ | |/###\| !{###}! ||###|| ||!!!|| /111\/|!!!|\/111\ | !|@@@|! | | !|@@@|! | |---O-!\###/!-O---| |_____! --- !_____| {|-----! - !-----|} q! ! ||| ! !p ( | |\ /| | ) q | -- | |_| | -- | p { | | } : ( || | \ / | || ) : : <\------- / W \ -------/> : !!/ ! || /\ /\ || ! \!! _^^ ( || || || || ) ^^_ -- _--_ / || \ || --- || / || \ o<|| ||______------|||___ ___|||------______|| ||>o \ |__-- ____________/ ! ! \____________ --__| / \ |____---| ! \ U / ! |---____| / \| | ! ! ! ! | |/ \ _____------------=| | | |=------------_____ / "" |\|----| |----|/| "" /||! ! ! !||\ _/Y ||! ! ! !|| Y\_ _/ ||!____! !____!|| \_ / ||||####||####||| \ | \| |||| |||| |/ | | / ==== ==== \ | \__---' \!!/ \!!/ '---__/ [$$$$] [$$$$] #### #### #### #### THIS IS TRULY AMAZING! http://www.sonnyradio.com/F15.wmv --- ..Wowsers! Thanks Richard! ================================================================== >-->In the worldly News: >An ET-AHEM!! from LifeScript Healthy Advantage... Healthy, Well & Wise - Can Oral Sex Cause Throat Cancer? In an era of HIV and chastity rings, teenagers and young adults – roughly 75% of them – have turned to oral sex as a “less risky” option. But it’s not safe sex. And while it won’t get you pregnant, it can still get you into big trouble. For the first time ever, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have established a link between oral sex, the human papillomavirus (the same virus that causes cervical cancer) and throat cancer. That adds to a roster of risks already tied to oral sex: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV… Visit Here for more: http://tinyurl.com/34g6t8 >Taser Jolt Won't Hurt Hearts of Healthy People NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A shock from a Taser doesn't have any short-term adverse effects on healthy people, once its immobilizing effects wear off, a new study shows. But the study, the first non-industry-funded investigation of the device in humans, doesn't answer the question of how Taser use might affect extremely ... Visit here for more: http://tinyurl.com/2u6g48 -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Man Shot In Buttocks While Dancing --------- O <\==- - - - - - - --- ./ \ _/\_\O unknown CHICAGO - A 50-year-old man suffered a gunshot wound to the buttocks early Friday while dancing in a Southwest Side garage. About 4:10 a.m., the man was dancing in his garage in the 2800 block of South Kolin Avenue, when someone driving down the alley shot him, according to a report from the police First Deputy Superintendent's office. The victim was taken to Mount Sinai Hospital in stable condition, according to the deputy's report. Harrison Area detectives are investigating. -- Albino moose seen in Norway ----------------- /`. /| | `. |\ | | / ' |'. | '.-' | | \ | .' \ \.' .' '. .' /\/`. \ .' \ `. \ | _.' \ `.\ .' .' `-. `..-' .'/( _.--_ `---`-. / / /-.__.--' `. / _ | `._ .' /O\ .' `-' .' :_ -: \ |/ / :_ ||'. '._.'_/ `. | ) '| / \ | | | LGB ||| | \| KARASJOK, Norway - A Norwegian man captured a rare albino moose on camera during a fishing trip near Karasjok, Norway. The rare animal had been spotted in the area before but this is the first reported recording of the white furry creature with bright red eyes, Aftenposten reported Friday. Kurt Are Boine Nikkinen was on his way home from a fishing trip when he spotted the albino moose in a field. "It stood and looked at me," Nikkinen told Aftenposten. Luckily, Nikkinen had a video camera in his car and decided to film the moose. "It was completely white and had red eyes," Nikkinen said. "It was a great experience to see and film it. It is not the kind of thing you experience more than once in a lifetime." The man, who is also a hunter, said he could never shoot the white moose. "It would make a special trophy but it won't be on my wall. Such a fine animal should be protected," he said in the Aftenposten report. -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Fifi the Aussie chimp turns 60 The Taronga Zoo in Sydney is celebrating the 60th birthday of Fifi, one of the oldest chimpanzees alive. Zoo officials say Fifi, who arrived in Australia in 1954, is the highest-ranking female among its 19 chimps and enjoys a daily cup of chamomile tea. "She is always the peacemaker when there are arguments among families," senior Primate Keeper Louise Grossfeldt told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. Chimpanzees rarely reach the age of 40 in the wild, and their average life in captivity is about 50 years, she said. The record for the oldest chimpanzee in captivity belongs to Cheeta, star of the Hollywood Tarzan movies of the 1930s, who turned 75 last month at a primate sanctuary in Palm Springs, Fla. Whales' tale takes unexpected turn __ __ '.'--.--'.-' .,_------.___, \' r' ', '-._a '-' .' '. '-'Y \._ / baby '--;____'--.'-, snd /..' ''' Just when it seemed the two whales dubbed Delta and Dawn might soon be swimming off into the sunset, their tale took a different turn Monday night. Officials were having success encouraging the humpback whales back down the Sacramento River and on their way toward the Pacific Ocean. But then the mother and calf, which had made their way about 20 miles back down river Monday, suddenly turned around and headed upstream again, KTXL-TV in Sacramento reported. The pair, which had traveled as far as 90 miles up the river in the past week, then started moving in circles about two miles north of the Rio Vista Bridge, a Coast Guard officer said. Boats were positioned in front of them to encourage them to turn around, but the whales appeared to have other plans. Scientists watched closely because the route includes sloughs leading to muddy deltas that could trap the whales, who appear to have been wounded by a boat's propeller. The two also will have to navigate through the pylons of four bridges to reach the San Francisco Bay, and will have to swim under the Golden Gate Bridge to return to the ocean. ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Roger :) Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit. In order to get that paycheck.. I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their butt. Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass on if you agree ---- ...Interesting point! Thanks Roger! ===================================================== >-->From Our Friend Steve :) >OH MY! A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. --- ...ARGH!! -<**>- , ----. - - ` ,__.,' \ .' *` / | | / **\ . / ****. | mm | ****| \ | ****| ` ._______ \ ****/ \ /`---' \___( /~~~~\ / \ / | \ | | \ , ~~ . |, ~~ . | |\ ( |||| ) ( |||| )(,,,)` ( |||||| )-( |||||| ) | ^ ( |||||| ) ( |||||| ) |'/ ( |||||| )-( |||||| )___,'- ( |||| ) ( |||| ) ` ~~ ' ` ~~ ' One morning you will never wake up; do all your friends know you love them? //((~;; \\ \`_ ,' )) _~o) '; I was thinking... ( ) (''-___ ,_- | | ;---__ | )-|===| \ ~--|====|~~| |====\\\'._ |______\ \ \ |_|__|( ~~---/~\/\ /~_/____ \ ______--/\/\\_ I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said. ,-~~-.___. / | ' \ Dear Friend.... ( ) 0 \_/-, ,----' ==== // / \-'~; /~~~(O) / __/~| / | =( _____| (_________| W< Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case ... __ (_ `-~~~~--. ( _- ( \ \ _)o) ( |_ `-,__ ) - I LOVE YA!!! ) ) ---, ` / ,^^^^_ | \ \ | \^^\ ------``` /________\ _| |__| ~--~----~ You might send this to the people you love and let them know. ---- ...Well said Steve! Thank you! ==================================================================== >-->From The MouthPiece: _________ ' |. |_ . |. |:| . .-----. ` |. |/ / RIP \ |_________| | | __|___|__ ____________|_______|______[_________]______________ | | | _______ _______ ______ __ __ _______ ______ | | | __| | | | |/ | ___| __ \ | | |__ | | | ---| <| ___| < | | |_______|_______|______|__|\__|_______|___|__| | | | | | |____________________________________________________| b'ger Cards You Won't Find In The Shops "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!" "Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you." "You look great for your age.......Almost Lifelike!" "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?" "I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep." ============================================================== >-->Comedy from the Situation Copyright 2003 W. Bruce Cameron — Please do not remove the copyright from this essay __ _.--._ _.-"-. .-" `"._ _.-```-._.-' `'.-' '. .-"". .-. .-. `-._.'_ .-' _ _ . ` .--. '-.-' | |_| | .--. | | .-. \ \ / /.-. .-./ /\ \ .--. .---. | _ |/ /\ \| | | | \ ` / | |/\| || || |/ /\ \| |\ \ | | | || || || |__ | | | | | |\ \/ /| || || || | '-' '-'\ \/ /|____|| '--.|_| | /\ | '--' \ \/ /| |/ / jgs '--' '----' '-' '-' '--' '---' There seems to be some confusion in Hollywood as to what, exactly, I am doing here. Having created the characters that are the basis for the show “8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter,” I’m running into some resistance to the idea that I might be able to conceive anything else. “Those characters were based on you, and your children,” my agent points out. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t come up with different characters, does it?” I argue. “Well, yeah, I think it does,” he responds. “Any chance you’re going to have any more children? Maybe you could adopt a wacky kid who makes a lot of wisecracks at your expense, and the two of you run into a lot of wacky circumstances.” “Um…” “Your wacky parents could move in with you too!” he enthuses. “So the key word here is ‘wacky’,” I speculate. “Sounds like you got it,” he agrees. We hang up with a promise that I’ll get back to him next time I have a great idea. “But not right away,” he warns. I call him back an hour later. “Hey! Something just occurred to me!” I shout excitedly. “Yeah?” “The best shows, I mean the really great television shows, don’t get their humor from the jokes. They get their comedy from what’s happening, from the situation!” “Comedy from the situation,” my agent repeats flatly. “Yes! That’s what makes a good show!” “So it would be like…a situation comedy,” he proposes. I hesitate; the phrase sounds familiar. “Wow. You’re a genius. Let me get the networks on the phone right now,” he continues in a monotone. “This will change everything.” Sometimes it is hard to tell with these show-biz types when they are being sincere. “Are you being sincere?” I ask him. “Oh sure.” I start checking around, doing a little research, talking to my friends about what sort of situations they feel might be comedy. I get a call from my insurance agent. “How about an episode where you mistakenly buy term life insurance, when you meant to buy whole life?” he gushes. “Now, that would be a hoot!” I write down “term/whole.” “Keep going,” I encourage. “What happens next?” “Then, as the policy matures, it doesn’t build any cash value!” I tap my pencil on the paper. “And?” There’s a long silence. “Well, it’s a hoot!” he finally declares. “I’m just not seeing the hoot here,” I confess. “Well maybe what you need, then, is a complete analysis of your current policies,” he suggests. We set an appointment and I hang up, thinking I might have comedy in this insurance situation. Bruce Character: I’m pretty sure I’m building cash value with this term policy! Audience: (Laughter.) My next-door neighbor has a different idea. “How about if the main character has this dog that’s always coming over and getting into my trash cans,” he says. “And the same guy borrows my shovel and doesn’t return it for a year.” “You’re putting yourself into it too much,” I advise. “Make it less personal.” “Okay, the dog gets into his neighbor’s trash cans.” “And would the neighbor be a stuffy, hostile guy who doesn’t like dogs?” “No, he has his own dog, but the main character’s dog keeps coming over. I think the main character’s dog is trying to escape the main character.” “That doesn’t sound realistic,” I correct professionally. “Also, I think it would have to be that the neighbor is mistaken about the shovel—the main character never borrowed it.” “What? I saw you using the shovel last week!” “I agree that shovels can look a lot alike, but wouldn’t the point be that the neighbor is really hard to get along with?” I press. “When are you going to take down your Christmas decorations?” he demands. “Are you going to leave them up all summer again?” “So the neighbor would also change subjects in a mentally disturbed fashion,” I muse. “Listen, this is interesting, I have to go.” I write down “psycho neighbor / shovel / term life insurance.” Then I grab the phone to call my agent. This new show is going to be a hoot! Write to Bruce. http://www.wbrucecameron.com/email_bruce.htm ======================================================================= >-->From Cop Humor: .="=. _/.-.-.\_ _ ( ( o o ) ) )) |/ " \| // \'---'/ // jgs /`"""`\\ (( / /_,_\ \\ \\ \_\\_'__/ \ )) /` /`~\ |// / / \ / ,--`,--'\/\ / '-- "--' '--' Monkey Trouble A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked?" "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" ', .-`-,\__ ."` `, .'_. ._ `;. __ / ` ` `.\ .--. /--,| 0) 0) )`_.-,) | ;.-----.__ _-'); / '--./ `.`/ `"` : '` |. | \ / // \ '---' /' `------' \ jgs/a:f _/ `--... "Driving" motioned the monkey. -<,,>- The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers: _A .'`"`'. / , , \ | <\^/> | | < (_) >| /====\ (.---._ _.-.) |/ a` a | ( _\ | \ __ ; |\ . / _.'\ '----;'-. _.-' O ;-.__.'\O `o. /o \ \/-.-\/| \ jgs| ;, '.|\| / 1.Glazed 2.Jelly 3.Powdered 4.Chocolate Frosted -<..>- Free Service Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." Man: "What's the charge officer?" Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service. -<**>- The Lawyer & The Bear A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?" -<-->- Prison Built An old con was talking to a new inmate in prison. "What are ya in for kid." "I tried to make a new kind of car." He replied. "I took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What did you get?" "Fifteen years for auto theft." -<-.>- A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me." contributed by: ROBIN2507 -<,,>- Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? LAPD Answer: We don't know, but give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. -<..>- The Old Timer A new man is brought into Prison Cell 201. ____ _[____]_ ( '7') __)(^_ / ,C^D,\ / /||:||\\ \ \|/:\|// `\\~~~|/ ,##\7|\ \ |#| \ \ |#| / / jgs |#|/_/ |#|\ \ (#_\`' Already there, is a long-time resident who looks a 100 years old or more. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!" -<^^>- Biker __ ,--. <__) `- |________7 |`. |\ .--|. \ |.\--. / j \ `.7__j__\ \ | o | (o)____O) | \ / J \ / `---' `---' hjw A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Pittsburgh, to Philadelphia Pennsylvania. He got as far as Altoona before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out to hitchhike, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass." ====================================================================== >-->FUN Places to Net Visit :) UPDATED: God's Paintings http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/gpaints.html Cats Meow - Mac VS Kitten http://www.irintech.com/x1/blogarchive.php?id=1098 -<>- >From Linky & Dinky: Do the Kermitsize! http://www.aikido-reading.co.uk/micro_site/stretching/15_stretches.htm SUPPOSE YOU'RE WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS, and you come across an old abandoned house. And it's huge. Would you go inside? http://www.timebomb2000.com/vb/showthread.php?t=242869 INSTANT L.S.D. SIMULATOR Stare at the center for 10 seconds, then look at somebody. http://www.neave.com/strobe/ -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: SwordSisters w/ No Prayer Goes Unheard http://domania.us/SwordSisters/Inspirations6/NoPrayerUnheard.html ONLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/OnlyTheBloodOfJesu.html TheSingingMan w/Lighting The Way http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7/LTW.htm Kaye w/An Angel Within http://www.kayesworld.co.uk/angelwithin.html Plant Information http://www.horticopia.com/hortpix/ All Muppets http://www.allmuppets.com/ To subscribe send a blank email to lynnlynns-links-subscribe@egroups.com ================================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "President Bush was caught driving his truck without his seatbelt, the other day, at the ranch. That wasn't even the dangerous part. The dangerous part was Dick Cheney was riding shotgun." - Jay Leno "Yesterday in New Jersey, a 60-year-old woman became the oldest woman to give birth to a pair of twins. Afterwards, the 60-year-old woman said, 'It's nice bouncing something on my knees other than my breasts'." - Conan O'Brien "The real showdown was on 'The View' this morning. When Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced that she was pregnant last month, Rosie O’Donnell announced on her blog that she wouldn't fight with her anymore, because obviously when someone is pregnant, they can get upset, and there's always the danger that Rosie might eat the baby." - Jimmy Kimmel "New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman "Jimmy Carter actually said that George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said that's not true, he said that he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C in history." -Jay Leno "I was on Google, and I read about the cicada invasion in the Midwest. At first I thought, John Secada?" -Craig Ferguson ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOOUSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales && Service You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: a href="http://tinyurl.com/2vrfzv">This Weeks regular Shangy emails ************************************************************************ -->Want to ADVERTISE in The Shangy FUN LList Publication? >To ADVERTISE: Advertise ************************************************************************ -->Missed Any of These Teachings? 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