Happy Mushroom, Egg, Library, Elephant And Patriot Day.. :) Shangy!
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To Subscribe send a blank email to
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or email me here:
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================
*~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny,
inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here...
bcrsystems@earthlink.net
I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!!
AND For Facebook Users:
Please Friend Me / Like Me here...
http://tinyurl.com/cma6all
AND For Google Plus Users:
You can find me here... Shangy Bigham
https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts
AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family!
^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :)
-<>-
* NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or
any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving
the scroll button on the mouse.
You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in
your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while
pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for
smaller text!
================
>-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
Our first too hot to handle new page comes from our friend LouiseAu.
It's sure to tickle your funny bone and give you plenty of smiles
for your day. Be sure to check it out here...
_|_
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_|_
//_/\
__| ||____
////////////\
/////////////\\
|^^^^^^^^^^||+|
| # # # ||||
.... ....".
|||||||||||||||||
unknown
Humor in Religion 6
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion6.html
---
...Teehee! Such clever ones! Thanks LouiseAu!
Our next flaming hot new page is from our friends LouiseAu, Linda
and PatDeE. These photos of our wild world are a testament to the
awesome ability of the photographers to capture such striking
shots! Be sure to see them here...
.-._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
.-''-.__.-'00 '-' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '-.
'.___ ' . .--_'-' '-' '-' _'-' '._
V: V 'vv-' '_ '. .' _..' '.'.
'=.____.=_.--' :_.__.__:_ '. : :
(((____.-' '-. / : :
snd (((-'\ .' /
_____..' .'
'-._____.-'
Incredible Wildlife 4
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildlife4.html
---
...Wow! How beautiful and captivating! Thanks my friends!
=======================================================
>-->From SmileZilla:
_ _{Ss
//\\_/_/\Ss
_/_| \_/ \_ pb
>A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, "You
know, sometimes I forget to eat." You have to be a special kind of
stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said,
'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous
toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen wench...do it and die.'
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
(and then they marry him).
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
20 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
-<>-
,.
|`:.
| `:.
m1a | |`.`:;@.
| |;.`.`;|
; `.';| ||
,(`;.`.| ||
/8o (`:. ||
/o8888o `; ||
/@o8888888o (`;|
(`.()oO888888o (<
`.`.;:oO08c{)/ |
`.`.(),0 / /
`.`.`/ /
`.( /
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
=======================================================
+------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+
April 16 is Mushroom Day, National Eggs Benedict Day, National
Librarian Day, National Stress Awareness Day, Patriot's Day and
Save the Elephant Day
April 17 is Bat Appreciation Day, Blah, Blah, Blah Day, National
Cheeseball Day and Pet Owners Independence Day
April 18 is International Juggler's Day (also applies to multi tasking
office workers) and Newspaper Columnists Day
April 19 is National Garlic Day and National High Five Day
April 20 is Look Alike Day and Volunteer Recognition Day
April 21 is Husband Appreciation Day and Kindergarten Day
April 22 is Earth Day (U.S.), Girl Scout Leader Day and
National Jelly Bean Day
=======================================================
>-->From GoodCleanFun:
_____
/ \
Hmmm...where did I see (____/\ )
that toilet roll? ...... |___ U?(____
_\L. | \ ___
/ /"""\ /.-' | |\ |
( / _/u | \___|_)_|
\| \\ / / \_(___ __)
| \\ / / | | |
| ) _/ / ) | |
_\__/.-' /___( | |
_/ __________/ \ | |
// / ( ) | |
( \__|___\ \______ /__|____|
\ (___\ |______)_/
\ |\ \ \ /
\ | \__ ) )___/
\ \ )/ /__(
___ | /_//___| \_________
_/ ( / OUuuu \
`----'(____________)
Michael Reeung
>Romantic Text
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send
me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are
drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I
love you."
He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."
-<>-
>Campaign Spending
Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack
of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out
of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!
-<>-
>On the Scale
When children come in to the doctor's office where I work, it's my
job to weigh and measure them.
After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened
three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a
scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."
Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on
the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"
-<>-
>Hiking the Canyon
After working for months to get in shape, my 42-year-old husband and
I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. At the end of two grueling
days, we made it back to the canyon's rim. To celebrate, we each
bought an "I hiked the canyon" T-shirt.
About a month later, while my husband was wearing his shirt, a young
man approached him. "Did you really hike the canyon?" he asked.
My husband beamed with pride and answered, "Sure did!"
"No kidding!" the fellow said. "What year?"
-<>-
>Prayer
A young boy called the pastor of a local church and asked him to come
by to pray for his mother, who was very ill with the flu. The pastor
knew the family and was aware they were members of another church
down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother
Simon at your church to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance
that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
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>SMILES
Mark spent a year in an asylum, thinking he was a mouse. After intensive
therapy, he was released. 10 minutes later he appears back inside as if
all heck broke loose.
"What happened to you??" Asked his surprised doctor.
"There's a cat outside!" screams Mark.
"But Mark, I thought you got better! You know you're not a mouse!" Cried
the doctor.
"I do!" Exclaims Mark, "but he doesn't know that!"
--------
Teacher: "Daniel, if you had a dollar in your hand and you asked your
dad for another dollar, how many dollars would you have in your hand?"
Daniel: "A dollar."
Teacher: "Daniel, apparently you don't know math..."
Daniel: "Apparently you don't know my dad."
--------
As the little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual
question: "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open-mouthed, horrified, and then gasped,
"Didn't you get my Snapchat?"
--------
On Coast Guard Cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley
helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes
and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake
cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made
chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman
stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?"
--------
Two new prisoners are put into a cell. One prisoner asks, "How long are
you in for?"
The second prisoner replies, "A hundred and twenty years."
The first prisoner tells him, "I'm serving a hundred and fifty. You
take the bed nearer the door because you're getting out first!"
-------
A little boy was taken to the dentist.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you
like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
--------
Irving took Harry to a celebratory dinner at a really posh restaurant.
They walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally dressed Maitre d',
and sat down at a table on which were displayed the finest china and
crystal.
Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Harry
unfolded it, put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the
back.
Staring at him, the Maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will
you be having a shave or a haircut?"
--------
A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The
doctor examined him. Then he advised, "I can't seem to find
the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."
"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're
sober."
--------
Dan came home from work one evening, and there was his wife, Miriam, in
the kitchen -- crying out loud. "What's the matter, darling?" he asked
her.
"I just don't know what to do," wailed Miriam. "because we were eating
at home for a change, I cooked us a special dinner -- but the dog has
just eaten it. ALL of it!"
"Don't worry, dear," replied Dan, "I'll get us another dog."
--------
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom, and instructed, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," answered the manager. "Here,
give me the broom -- I'll show you how to do it."
--------
. .
:"-. .-";
|:`.`.__..__.'.';|
|| :-" "-; ||
:; :;
/ .==. .==. \
: _.--._ ;
; .--.' `--' `.--. :
: __;` ':__ ;
; ' '-._:;_.-' ' :
'. `--' .'
."-._ _.-".
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/`- -'\
/`- -'\
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: : ; ;
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\"- -"/`._ :
.-"-. -"-. ""--..____.'
/ .__ __. \
: / , / "" \ . \ ; bug
"-:___..--" "--..___;-"
>CATS
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
-------
__________________________________________/
------------------------------------------|
| | |~~~~~~~~~~| | | |
| *| *|Bless this|* |* | |
|_____|_____| ~Home~ |______|______|____|
_________ _________
| `| "Sweep and mop! It's not our
| |] job to help clean house!
|__________| Mom treats us like slaves!"
| | / |_==___==_|
| |]__.--@|@--.__\\\\___|_________|
| |---(((----//--( oo //oo o oo|
| | |()))) // ||\O/ /)| _______ |
| | | \_/ (\/ |// \///|| ||
|jro | |// \\//____|\\ //_|||_______||
|__________|__\\__\/_______(//|__|_________|
///\\ //||
~~(_)(_) ////(_)
>Housework Quotes
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing,
the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.
- James Dent
At my house, "Dust" is a noun, not a verb.
- Anonymous
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller
I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.
- C.E. Cowman
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- Phyllis Diller
I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on a sofa than
sweep beneath it. But you have to be efficient if you're going to be
lazy.
- Shirley Conran
I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
- Roseanne Barr
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of
spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I
spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
- Anonymous
My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the
housework: neither one of us does it.
- Dottie Archibald
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Anonymous
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch
fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares.
Why should you?
- Erma Bombeck
Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I.
- Anne Gibbons
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck
tape to make them stop.
- G.M. Weilacher
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men
do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even
things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed
an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that
before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade
as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and
fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean
anything.
- Dave Barry
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife
says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house.
- Jim Lemon
Three-fourths of the Earth's surface is water, and one-fourth is land.
It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the
amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.
- Chuck Clark
---
...LOL! Good ones! Thanks LouiseAu!
=========================================================
>-->From Our Friend KarenF :)
For those who remember & those who just like words.
We know who we are now, but this batch of words reminds us of who we
were, and that the present generation will never know the meaning of
most of the phrases contained herein.. Well written ! And so true...
this is a genuine trip down memory lane. Actually more like walking the
hallways of the memories in our brain, remembering when the words rolled
off our tongues in everyday usage.
_.-""""-.
( ':
'. .___.'
: :
_.."----".._
.-" "-.
." ". .":."..
.' `. : '.'
: :" "":
: .-"
.'""-: .-"""-. :": :
: ". .' `. : "
'-._ : : _:" :
: "" : :
: : _ :
: : '. :
: : `#. ' :
: _:. :
'. ' `#. : grp
: '._ .'
: . ."
.-" :"-._ _.-"
(_. '. ""------""
(_.: . :
'.:`-'
.::"-
.:::::.
.'::::::::
' `::::'
"
Mr. Bounce
>WORDS AND PHRASES REMIND US OF THE WAY WE WORD
by Richard Lederer
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become
obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases
included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a
broken record" and "Hung out to dry." A bevy of readers have asked me to
shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to
oblige.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib
and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We'd cut a rug
in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and
spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and
jalopies in some passion pit or lovers' lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee
whillikers! Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and
living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of
being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in
China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time
anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the
D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal
pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
Like Washington Irving's Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut's Billy
Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has
been just a short nap, and before we can say, "I'll be a monkey's
uncle!" or "This is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words
we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have
vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our
keyboards.
Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind.
We blink, and they're gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape
of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wrist watches, hula hoops, skate
keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an
organ grinder's monkey.
Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all
those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think
about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston
. The very idea! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee
high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory.
Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the
Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers.
Don't take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we
go!
Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost
words and expressions than Carter had liver pills. This can be
disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these
words that lodge in our heart's deep core. But just as one never steps
into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice.
Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever
making a different river.
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a
child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at
the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering
there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once
strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more,
except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of
aging. We can have archaic and eat it, too.
See 'ya later, alligator! Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise!
---
...TeeHee! Wonderful classic of memories of days gone by. Thanks Karen!
=======================================================
>-->In The Worldly News:
Number of People Receiving Unemployment Benefits Running at 44-Year Lows
- Washington Examiner
https://tinyurl.com/y7n6fyfx
President Donald Trump Signs Bill to Fight Online S%& Trafficking
-The Cleveland Plain Dealer
https://tinyurl.com/y86a9njo
U.S. to Export Pork to Argentina Under New Rules After 26 years
- Reuters
https://tinyurl.com/yd4bztk4
MS-13 Member Posing As Unaccompanied Minor Was Linked to the ‘Migrant
Caravan,’ Says Border Patrol
- Breitbart
https://tinyurl.com/yby224mp
Florida Revokes Four Abortion Facility Licenses, But Two Continue to
Operate Illegally
https://tinyurl.com/yabcr3o
WhiteHouseNews:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/
Latest From AFA:
http://tinyurl.com/j7lakqw
Latest From RightAlerts:
http://rightalerts.com
Latest At FoxNews:
http://www.foxnews.com/
Latest From MRC News:
https://tinyurl.com/ya6uruck
Latest From TrueDailyNews:
http://truedaily.news/category/news/
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
If you are going to make a public statement, it has to have
impact or no one will remember it, much less pay attention
to it. But one Florida high school student got a little
carried away with a stunt he pulled at his school.
Students at a Florida school were shocked to watch a teen
biting off the head of a chicken, according to police.
Police said that the 17-year-old student at University High
School (UHS) in Orange City was charged with felony animal
cruelty and trespassing on school property after he was
identified as the person who decapitated a live chicken this
weekend.
The Volusia County Sheriff's Office school resource deputy
identified David Andrew Jimenez, 17, as the suspect. Police
said that he was bragging about biting the head off a chicken.
The incident happened when Jimenez came on campus around
11:00 p.m. and entered a chicken coop that was at the school
for a "Farm to Table" event held earlier in the day. Upon
arriving on campus on Monday, a teacher discovered the
headless carcass of a chicken in the parking lot.
The chicken's head was later discovered inside the chicken
coop. Eggs had also been thrown in the gym and against the
gym doors.
Additional charges are possible against any other students
who were involved in the incident. No reason for the bizarre
stunt have been offered.
-<>-
Workplace affairs can be sticky. The last thing you want to
do is get caught getting sweaty with a co-worker in the
photo copy room. That's probably why the two lovers in
today's story chose to satisfy their desires outside of
work. But they probably could have picked a better place
than the parking lot of a convenience store.
Employees and customers of a 7-Eleven were shocked to see
two uniformed prison officers making love, according to
police in Colorado.
The Denver Police Department said that they have charged
Mary Torrez, 37, and Sarah Ippolito, 26, for stripping
naked and making out in their car in front of the 7-Eleven
store.
According to the police investigation, both suspects work
at the Denver Women's Correctional Facility. Their shifts
begin at 6:00 a.m. each day. At around 5:30 a.m., an
employee of the 7-Eleven noticed two uniformed prison
officers park their Kia in the parking lot. The two women
then stripped naked and began making out in the back of
the car.
The manager of the 7-Eleven flagged down a police officer
who approached the vehicle to observe what the women were
doing. Despite knocking on the window, the two women
continued making out. The officer then called for backup.
When the additional officers arrived, the two women got
dressed. Police charged them with a crime because the area
was well lit and people were able to watch them in the car.
Both women were charged with public indecency.
*---------------- You're Fired! ----------------*
Police in Georgia have arrested a man after they say he
stabbed his manager after being fired. Police were called to
an On The Border Mexican Grill & Cantina after reports of a
man being stabbed. Police say the man, a manager at the
restaurant was stabbed in the neck by 44-year-old Kesely
Ingram while he was in the process of firing Ingram. Ingram
fled the scene after the stabbing and later turned himself
in to detectives at the location. He has been charged with
aggravated assault and aggravated battery. The victim, whose
name has not been released at this time, was taken to the
hospital with severe injuries.
*--------- You Had Me At Lesbian Twins ---------*
Two lesbian twin sisters confronted their former girlfriends
at their home at the same time, according to police in
Pennsylvania. Allentown police said that they have arrested
Nikita Bonilla and Natasha Dejesus-Bonilla, both 23-years-
old, for pinning down their former lovers while holding
scissors and knives. Both sisters were charged with assault,
terroristic threat, and harassment. According to the police
investigation, Natasha and Nikita are lesbians and they were
both living with their lovers in the same home. Recently,
the twin sisters both broke up with their girlfriends and
they moved out of the home. Last week Natasha and Nikita
were at the home to gather their belongings when a fight
broke out with their former lovers. Nikita grabbed scissors
and pinned down the victim near the front door. Nikita told
the victim that she was going to kill her and she did not
care to go to jail. Meanwhile, Natasha grabbed a knife and
pinned down her former partner on a couch. Witnesses at the
scene called the police who manage to separate the 4 women
before anyone got injured. It's too bad these women are gay.
Just think of what you're missing out on, guys.
*---------- Mmmm That's Good Tarantula ----------*
A North Carolina restaurant is offering select customers the
chance to eat a tarantula burger topped by a giant oven-
roasted spider. Bull City Burger and Brewery announced its
sixth annual Exotic Meat Month, which brought such animals
as alligators, iguanas, pythons, turtles and insects to the
menu, features a special tarantula challenge. The restaurant
said customers can enter their names in a "tarantula raffle"
to be one of the lucky few to take the "tarantula challenge."
The burger features a North Carolina pasture-raised beef
patty, gruyere cheese, spicy chili sauce and an oven-roasted
tarantula. Customers who finish the burgers receive
"tarantula challenge" T-shirts.
=========================================================
>-->From TheGroaner:
___________
`:::::::::'
':::::::'
-._:::::::_.-
:""""""""""""""""":
: . \ .- . :
: : 0 0 .' :
: ' ..::. :
: ::::::: :
.': ':::::' :`.
: : "" : :
`. : __ :.'
": .' ". :
: : : :
: ' :
:_____ _____:
__ : : :.--. grp
." " : ' :
'. : .'
`-...-"'-..-"
Mr. Grumpy
>Q and A Quickies
Q: Where do geologists like to relax?
A: In a rocking chair.
Q: What did the earthquake say to the volcano?
A: It's not my fault.
Q: What do you call a bee born in between April 30 and June 1?
A: A maybe.
Q: Know what Paul Revere said at the end of his famous ride?
A: WHOA!
Q: What squeaks as it solves crimes?
A: Miami mice!
Q: How do you stop a dog from smelling?
A: Give it a bath!
-<>-
>You Know You're Out Of Shape When...
You know you're out of shape when you fall down,
and while trying to get back up, you rock yourself
to sleep.
-<>-
>I'll Have A Double
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like him.
=========================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
__...----..
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/ .---.._ \
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// \ | _.-'| |_ `. \
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|| | /. . ' `.`.| || ||
|| / ' ' | . | `.`---'/
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/ `-\ '._|--' \ `.
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LGB /.--` \ \ .''''\
`._..._| `-.' .-. |
'_.'-./.'
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though.
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
-<>-
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by looking at her
hands. For example; if she's holding a handgun, she is
probably angry.
-<>-
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day
he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy
says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get
a spanking."
-<>-
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a
management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you
have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."
-<>-
Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world,
we can see why American have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
-<>-
Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. For example, an Italian
Mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying,
"Eat your dinner, or I'll kill you."
A Jewish Mother on the other hand would say, "Eat your dinner,
or I'll kill myself."
-<>-
A tourist on a diving charter off the coast of Florida asks
the blond dive master: "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond replies: "Think about it! If they fell
forward, they'd still be in the boat."
-<>-
>Things I never learned in high school:
1. What taxes are.
2. How to do taxes.
3. How to vote.
4. Anything to do with banking.
5. How to buy a car or a house.
But I'm so glad I know the Pythagorean Theorem!
-<>-
. . ///
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a:f___________________ `.--)`|_\ ___________________________
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(:___/ #_\
>Differences between men and women
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and
Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each
throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of
them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but
it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new
argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
7. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
8. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
9. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
10. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does.
=========================================================
>-->From TheMouth:
_________________
/ _ /|
/ / / ####### //
/ /_/ ####### // KDDR
/ ______________ //
==============='
>How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the
morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see
how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things
can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are
always five pounds off...to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,
completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a
pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has
to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the
towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly
let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it.
You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on
normally.
-<>-
_____
, ___))
/ | 6 6
(___( _e
____/ /_
/ \ o\_/ \
/ /\' _ _)\
/_< )____/\_\
___oo' ,ooooo,|_/
-//,-( / |=/
| \ \
\ \
)_______\
/ ) / )
/ / ( |
| / \ |
_________ |/_______\|________.
= =
/( )\ b'ger
/,/ 7 \\_
>Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Mom
(Presented By Dave's Mom)
10. I don't have a favorite child, but I do have a least
favorite
9. I always had you pegged for prison
8. Why are you so mean to Regis?
7. Could you make my Mother’s Day gift out to "cash"?
6. I'm not angry at the way you turned out, I'm just
disappointed
5. Get off my property or I'll call the cops
4. You were so much cuter when we dressed you as a girl
3. I'm doing this Top Ten List for the paycheck
2. Don't just marry the first girl you live with for
23 years
1. Why can't you have a show at 10 o'clock?
=========================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Elephant Ditties!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eleph.html
Adorable Baby Elephants!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/babyelephants.html
Egg Face Art!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eggface.html
Most Beautiful Mushrooms!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mushrooms.html
World's Largest Monastic Library!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/library.html
Patriot Fire/Rescue/Transport!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/patriot.html
Eagle Rescue!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eaglerescue.html
Giraffe Manor!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giraffemanor.html
Stuck Animals!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/stuck.html
Elephant Hotel!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elhotel.html
Awww Animals 8!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals8.html
Lion Cub Rescue!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lionrescue.html
Elephant Rescue 2!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/elephant2.html
Mouse Vs Leopard!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mouse.html
Margaret The Giraffe!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giraffe.html
Newsworthy Animals 3!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/newsanimals3.html
Tierpark Leopard Cubs!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/leopardcubs.html
Cute Australian Wildlife!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/australiaanimals.html
Wild Kisses And Snuggles!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wildkisses.html
Kisses Sweeter Than Honey!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/kisses.html
Friends: Lion, Tiger, And Bear!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/liontigerbear.html
Humor In Religion 5!-
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion6.html
-<>-
>Please Visit/Follow Me On StumbleUpon:
https://tinyurl.com/y8wmfrtu
Some of Shangrala's Best Pages
http://www.amazfamily.com/index.html
-<>-
24 Unknowns Who Made Huge Contributions To Movies And Shows
From Cracked.com: You would think that, with the seemingly endless roll
of credits at the end of literally every show and picture, everyone who
deserves accolades would get them. But it turns out there are incredibly
important contributors to major franchises that nobody talks about.
Allow us to rectify that situation with the following bonus scenes:
https://tinyurl.com/y9h4h5ql
Visual Workouts
Trying to get in superhero shape or jedi shape or British super spy
shape? Check out these free no-equipment visual workouts for all fitness
levels. These workouts have to be seen to be believed.
https://tinyurl.com/ybgbksxd
Top 10 Movie Line Misquotes
Do you think you know movie quotes? Well check out the
top ten most misquoted movie lines. Dang, number six is
wrong?!
https://tinyurl.com/ovdh38
50 Best and Worst Twist Endings in Movies
The Sixth Sense, Psycho, Memento, No Way Out, Secret
Window. What do these film have in common? Well, a twist
ending of course. Take a look at some of the best and
worst twist endings that Hollywood has given us.
https://tinyurl.com/dzg66k
Pole Dancing Bear - Funny Musical Version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3oxOEa9ZEE
Super FUNNY MOMENTS & FAILS compilation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9S_FNKCvys
-<>-
>From Our Friend LouiseAu :)
David Copperfield flies like a bird, pushing against the wind. He then
flies through rotating hoops and then flies sealed inside a glass box.
No computer effects or edits are used in this illusion, and the perspex
box has been previously inspected by two random audience members. It is
worth noting that even the woman he flies with does not know how the
illusion is done! This remains to this day one of the most spectacular
flying illusion ever. What a stunning and romantic performance! From
the CBS TV special "The Magic of David Copperfield XIV: Flying — Live
The Dream" (1992)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgN-Ac5EH1Y
---
...Wowsers! Thanks LouiseAu!
=======================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"A motorcycle gang in Canada is attacking businesses they
don't like by giving them mass one-star reviews online.
They're the fearsome badass biker gang known as 'Yelp's
Angels.'" -Conan O'Brien
"An 80-year-old man in Arizona is on trial for robbing a
bank. Apparently, he slipped the teller a note that said,
'Do you know why I came in here?'" -Jimmy Fallon
"A California woman has turned her home into a sanctuary
for 1,000 cats. She's applied for both tax and man exempt
status." -Conan O'Brien
"New Jersey is considering a bill that would outlaw
texting while walking, and make it punishable by 15 days
in jail. And according to a new poll, people kept running
into it." -Seth Meyers
"Today Mark Zuckerberg testified in Congress about Facebook's
data leak. His opening statement was six pages long. Or as
your aunt calls that, one Facebook post." -Jimmy Fallon
"The workout company CrossFit is now getting into the meal
delivery business. But their meal kit is getting mixed
reviews because, well, it isn't really a meal, it's nothing
but ten pounds of raw meat. And you thought your dog chased
the mailman before." -James Corden
"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."
--Henry David Thoreau
"Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must."
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish."
--Steven Wright
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home
Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the
Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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