__, ,__) __, ,__) __, ,__) (--|__| _ ,_ ,_ (--|\ | _ (--\ | _ _ ,_ _| |(_||_)|_)(_| _| \|(/_(_|_) \|(/_(_|| ( | | ,_| ( (__| HAVE A HAPPY, SAFE, & BLESSED NEW YEAR! :) _..@._ .' `\ / - - | / a a /, , | ^ D) ) ||\ , \ .__, /'. '. |\`,'/ .-';`-.___..;.-'\ \ \ _| / | .` _.; | -.`| \ _.-'| | \ ' \ 2 | . .' | | '._/`; 0 \ / /___\. / \ 0 \ | .`;,' _\_ | \ 8 '.| _/___|_/_|_}_ /\__ ' `'. '; \___________/ | ',`'-.,_'. \ | | \/`'. ._,;`'. \ | HAPPY | \ `\.' `| \ || NEW | | .' /-`\/| YEAR! | ;.' . _.'` / || 2008! | .' ,-' / / ;`-------`; / .'`; \ ( '._ _.' \ ( \ ` )`'`( \_,()))) jgs .' '. `"""""""""` >-->In the 'Shangy' News ... I've been spending a little time doing some organizing on the Shangrala site. I just had to clean up the clutter so there was room for more clutter for the upcoming New Year! You can see the new arrangement of the index page here: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html -<>- >HOT OFF The 'Shangy' Press! These Two are Soo Hot - They Are SMOKIN! Two have New Picture pages thanks to Lee for sending them our way! You can view them here: Toyger - Mini Tiger http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/minitiger.html Giant Catfish http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/giantcfish.html ===================================================================== >-->From The FunnyBone: And You Wonder Why It Didn't Last She married him because he was such a "strong man." She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male." He married her because she was so "fragile and petite." .=""""=, He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless." ><><><><>< /> `\ ) She married him because "he knows how to provide a /_ )) ) good living." } |_/` She divorced him because "all he thinks about is `""\ \ business." jgs /`~~~~`\ He married her because "she reminds me of my mother." He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day." _|/ ." ". She married him because he was __ /(o)-(o)\ "happy and romantic." /_)|| / | She divorced him because he was |_)|| '- | "shiftless and fun-loving." \_)|| '.___.' / |\/|_ | / \ \_/ / _| '/ He married her because she was |--\ '.___.' \ ) / "steady and sensible." \ \_/\__/\__ |==| He divorced her because she was \ \ /\ /\ `\ | | "boring and dull." \ \\// \| | `\ /\ | / | She married him because he was jgs ; || |\____/ "the life of the party." | || | She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party." ================================================================= +------------ Bizarre (and Stupid) Criminals --------------+ Washington D.C. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Ionia, Michigan - When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. Radnor, Pennsylvania - Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. Toronto, Canada - A gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg- holes so he could see. Modesto, CA - Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Virginia Beach - A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Los Angeles, California - Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" =================================================================== >-->A Classic From our Friend Maxy's Pal :) >THE LAW This is one of the better e-mails I have received in a long time! I hope this makes its way around the USA several times over!!!!! So Be It! THE LAW IS THE LAW So if theUSgovernment determines that it is against the law for the words 'under God' to be on our money, then, so be it. And if that same government decides that the 'Ten Commandments' are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it. I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen. I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions. I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE? Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life. I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day. I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day. I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the 'Christmas Break.' After all it's just another day. I'm thinking that a lot of my tax payer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be 'politically correct.' In fact.... I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshiping God . . .) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day . . . What do you all think???? If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the minority opinions and begin, once again, to represent the 'majority' of ALL of the American people. Please Dear Lord, Give us the help needed to keep You in our country! 'Amen' ---- AMEN! Thanks Maxy's Pal! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Barbara :) TURN UP YOUR SPEAKERS. . READ THE TEXT AT THE BEGINNING AND IT WILL THEN START, if it doesn't, just click on the text and it will.....the pictures change continually as you listen ENJOY AND BE BLESSED. THIS LINK WILL WORK http://www.trdaniel.com/Battle%20Hymn/index.htm --- ...Nice! Thank You Barbara! ===================================================================== >-->From the Jokester: An ET-AHEM! .======================================. | ___ ___ ___ _ _ _ | | \_/ \_/ \_/ C|||C|||C||| |-| |-| |-| | | _|_ _|_ _|_ ||| ||| ||| |_| |_| |_| | '===================================== ,sSSSs DUFFY'S WATERING HOLE SSSS "( .:. SSS@ =/ \~/ C|||' SSSS_(_ _Y_ ___|||______________________________SS/ _)_) /.- [____________________________________] \ /\// | ____ ____ ____ ____ | \|==(\_/ | (____) (____) (____) (____) | (/ ; | | | | | | | | | | |____| | | | | | | | | | | \ |\ | | | | | | | | | | ) ) ) | |____| |____| |____| |____| | ( |/ | I====I I====I I====I I====I | /\ | jgs | | | | | | | | | /.(=\ Y\_\ A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, Bartender, two beers please. One for me, and one for the road." An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?" A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel fastened to his fly. The bartender points and says, "Hey! You have a steering wheel stuck on your fly!" And the pirate says: "Arrrgh. And it's driving me nuts!" A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?" A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a set of jumper cables. He says, "Bartender, give me a beer." The bartender says, "You can have a beer, but I don't want you starting anything!" A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them." ^ _...._ ^ .' '. _...._ ^ / \' '. |X / \ -. \ |X | ^ .-. |'.-. .' \ / \;/ `/\` '. .' / \ ( `/\` / \ \ ^ `) ^ / \ ) ( ^ /'-...-'\ ( \ /-.__ __.-\ ) jgs '._ ` _.' ^ / `"""""` A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?" A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?" A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head." A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. "The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, you won't get many more. "A termite walks into a bar and asks , "Is the bartender here?" A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." o . . o . , . o__ L\ o .-""-. (==) |\_ / (--> \ |~~| o .\ \'--.)_>_=/_( | | . \ )`-._/|_,( | | o _| \ (_ ( \ /|()| o . , `.\ ) \_/\ \//` `\ ____/ ;`__/\ (__'./ \ |===/, ==\======/==|; ____ ; \ _,' o . '-..-' o /||` `|| `'-.__ o' __.-'` || _/\_ || `'..'` ||` `|| || ||PARTY!|| || || 2008 || jgs || | \____/ | _.' '._ | | < > \_.-""-._/ `""""""` `""""""` A three-legged dog walks into a bar. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw." A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?" A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water." A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog." A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place." A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop." A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says the man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman. o _' {_} |=| . ' | | o . o o |@| . o _o_._'_ /___\ o_.__'\~~~~~/ |=2 | \~~~~~/ '-.-' |=0 | '-.-' | |-0 | | _|_ |_8_| _|_ `"""` |_._| jgs `"""` `"""` A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either." A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender gives the man his tab, and the man says, "And NOW the trouble starts... "A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail." A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply. A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar." A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him."I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts--they're complementary." A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe." ( * ) * ) * ( ) ( ( ( ) ( ) ) * ) ) ( ( ( ( * ) H ) ) [ ] ( ( * |-| * ) ( * ) |_| . ) ( | | . ) / \ . ' . * ( |_____| ' . . ) | ___ | \~~~/ ' . ( * | \ / | \_/ \~~~/ ) | _Y_ | | \_/ ( * jgs |-----| __|__ | * `-----` __|__ A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?" A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around." A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today. "This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home." A police officer helps Ole up off the barroom floor and says, "So, can you describe the person who hit you and knocked you out?" And Ole says, "Ya sure. In fact, that's what I was yust doing when he hit me." ======================================================================== >--->In The Worldly News: .~~~~. |2008| _|____|_ }-{ A P P Y (_,/\ \ \,~,/(`^ ^( ) /\/ E W \_/ ) \-' ) ( |\| (.-' '--.) \./ \( /(_)-(_) \ | E A R \\/ /\ /`\ \ \_/ / . \ // /'---'\`/_ _/ ^ ^ ;--; .--`| ^ ^ /` `), /` . \ ^ /` ) . '). ~^~`/ ( \^ / ( ' \^-~`-~ - ^ ~^- . )/ . ) '-.;~^-~^~- ~^~- / `\ - . ~^~ ,-.`~~^~^~^ ~- `^_~-~^-| \^ \~_~^ -~^~- ~^`~^ ^~ ~_jgs .-./__/\__`\-. ~^_-~^- ~^- ^~ `-^~=~-`=~-~=-' ~ >From LifeScript: Top 10 Hangover Cures ‘Tis the season… for the head-pounding, stomach-churning consequences of tossing back too much holiday cheer. Wine with the relatives, hot toddies with friends, spiked eggnog in the punch bowl, and a bit (or entire bottle) of bubbly to usher in the new year. By the time you surface from the holiday haze, you’re sure to be kicking off 2008 with a huge hangover – and a resolution to never drink again. Refer to our list of “cures” for your post-partying pain, and take our drinking quiz to find out how much is too much... http://www.lifescript.com/HA/28161_4238409_5844_0.htm 6 Things You Don’t Know About Your Guy Just when you thought you had men figured out, here are six undisclosed truths you never knew. Your guy isn’t intentionally keeping secrets. He’s just more likely to abide by the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Find out how understanding – and accepting – these “secrets” can strengthen your relationship. Plus: Take our quiz to find out if he’s your soulmate… http://www.lifescript.com/HA/26745_4238409_5476_0.htm -<>- >From AFA: Ford offers medical benefits to help pay expenses of those who choose to undergo sex change operations. Ford pays for mental health counseling, hormone therapy, medical visits, and short-term disability after surgical procedures for employees who desire to change their sex. Visit Here http://tinyurl.com/2sg6bu And scroll down to see Ford's report card on how it spends profits to help support homosexuality. * Please forward this to your family and friends! -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Mall guards accused of strange stealing ---------- ROSEDALE, Minn. - Three Rosedale, Minn., security guards were charged with stealing a bizarre assortment of items -- including shoelaces, boxer shorts and a pink rubber duck. The three Rosedale Center mall guards -- Paul Thomas Fransen, Corey Lewis Woodhams and Ryan Mitchell Schwerin -- were charged Thursday with stealing the items in addition to Bath & Body Works lotions, skateboards, cell phones, a flat-screen television, a margarita machine, cuff links, a tea kettle and other goods totaling about $20,000 in value from the mall, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported Friday. Court documents say boxes of stolen items were found during searches of the suspects' Minneapolis and Roseville apartments. The documents say some of the items were sold on eBay, fenced or returned to stores for cash refunds while others were used by the suspected thieves themselves. "They were essentially living off stolen property," said Roseville police Capt. Rick Mathwig. "What investigators took surpassed what they left (behind)," Mathwig said of the apartment raids. ...But I'm a Screamer, Baby! -------------- SACRAMENTO - A California amusement park has instituted a no-screaming policy on a ride so scary it is known as The Screamer. The problem was the neighbors of the Family Fun Center in Sacramento, KXTV-TV reported. They complained about the volume of screams coming from the ride. Park managers say the new policy is working. If someone does scream, the ride is stopped immediately and the guilty party is ordered off. Those who want to try again have to wait in line. Some neighbors are still unhappy. They say that The Screamer, with arms that lift riders high into the air, gives a view of their backyards, interfering with their privacy. -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Britain's PM condemned at EU meeting European diplomats condemned British Prime Minister Gordon Brown's late arrival in Portugal to sign an EU reform treaty as shunning the European bloc. Brown arrived more than three hours late to a signing ceremony in Lisbon, Portugal, in what many British diplomats see as a marked detachment form the European Union, the Financial Times reported Friday. The European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso said a strong British presence in the European community would offset calls for protectionism by French officials. "(French President) Nicolas Sarkozy is there, putting in initiatives, and I welcome that," Barroso said. "I would prefer to have Britain doing the same." Brown said the ongoing controversy surrounding the fixing of dairy prices in Britain delayed his visit to Lisbon and called on his European counterparts to "turn its attention to strengthening international capacity to secure greater financial security." The revamped Lisbon Treaty updates EU rules and establishes offices of a president and foreign minister of the union. L.A. considers toll for car pool lanes A proposal is on the table to convert the carpool lanes of three popular Los Angeles County freeways into toll roads with higher fares during rush hour. Charging commuters for a faster way to work is part of a plan by the Metropolitan Transit Agency and Caltrans to institute "congestion pricing" in Los Angeles, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday. The concept gained steam in November when the U.S. Department of Transportation indicated it would give out more grants to fund such projects. "I think it's a horrible direction to go and I think it's immoral to sell the diamond lanes," Mid-City resident Charles Tarlow told the Times. "I also think it is outrageous that the feds take the position that they'll give us millions of dollars for lanes that exclude people who can't afford to pay." The earliest Los Angeles commuters might see toll lanes is 2009. ================================================================= >-->From JokeCentral - New Year's PAST: .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.*: ___ ,_) ____) ,_) ____) (-|_\ |_/ (-| _,,_,_,|_ (-(__ ',_ _ **** _| \(_|| \ _|__(_|| | ||_) ____)(_|_)|| |(/_ ** ( \_, ( |_, ( |_, ... to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne" ... jgs .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be overcome by a righteous attitude, tolerance for stupidity and a bulldozer when necessary. We've got the best government money can buy. Think about that for awhile. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal. Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of readiness to die. - G.K. Chesterton -<>- 1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER? You boil the heck out of it. 2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam. 3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE? Polaroids. 4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick 5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? Nacho cheese 6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses. 7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? Quatro sinko. 8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? Spoiled milk 9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? Frostbite. 10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A nervous wreck 11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? Anyone can roast beef 12. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? Because it scares the dog 13. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? Sanka. 14. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER? The location of the Dirt Bag. 15. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN? Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat. 16. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it. 17. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT? Tame way, unique up on it. 18. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet. 19. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP. An Amish drive-by-shooting. 20. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer -<>- A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my belly button." -<>- Things on Santa's To-Do List Edited for Taste 11> Have the elves increase production on those cheesy Xbox knock-offs. 10> Cancel wrapping paper order -- use those Enron stock certificates instead. 9> Decide how to respond to Ashcroft's subpoena demanding information on what foreigners are naughty or nice. 8> File a flight plan with the FAA -- wouldn't want an F-16 wasting the sleigh. 7> Irradiate all those letters from children -- you can't be too careful! 6> Finally shave the beard now that the Taliban has fallen. 5> Attend weekly meeting at Nogaholics Anonymous. 3> Visit reindeer stalls to load up on stocking stuffers for a certain Mr. bin Laden. 2> Prepare a lump of coal with Winona Ryder's name on it. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Santa's To-Do List... 1> Write back to Susie Winfield of Peoria; ask her how she thinks a whole pony is going to fit down a chimney. [ The Top 5 List ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -<>- STUMPY & MARTHA Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's 10 dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars." -<>- THINK ABOUT THIS TODAY! "When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." ---- Napoleon Hill ------------------------------------------------------------- HA! HA!HA! Year 2035 Headlines - Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be finally be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. - Spotted Owl plague threatens western American crops and livestock. - Afghanistan still closed off, physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. - George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. - 35 year study: diet & exercise is the key to weight loss. - Nursing Home event: Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with a candy machine. - Baby conceived naturally - scientists stumped. - Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. - Average height of NBA players is 9 feet 7 inches. - Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. - New California Law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by Jan 2036. -<>- Murphy's Laws Of Computers -------------------------- 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. -<>- The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?" "Something for my mother," said the young lady. "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? " Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!" =================================================================== >-->From AndyChaps: New Year's Past... .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*. _,._ .--. __.' _) / ,~p`-, <_,)'.-"a\ __/) \ \_.-"` /' ( \ __/` /) ) ( _.-----..,-' (`"--^ | d '-,.------. '`) ,/ ."\ // | `"-.__,' \-' / ( | (| `; , | | , ,` | / ) ; \ ;.----/ ,/ \, \----.; / / / / ) // / | |\ \ / ) ) `\ \\ ( ,/_."` /` \ \\`\ | |/ / / / / / // / /_)\ |___ \ \\ \ | |\/ "`=` "``=` ` '~~~~~` `" `" `"` ___ ,_) ____) ,_) ____) (-|_\ |_/ (-| _,,_,_,|_ (-(__ ',_ _ _| \(_|| \ _|__(_|| | ||_) ____)(_|_)|| |(/_ ( \_, ( |_, ( |_, .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~ Happy Hew Year 01/01/02 ** Andy Says... Just Think About This! ** ** WHEN WAS THE FIRST NEW YEAR CELEBRATED? ** The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays. It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4000 years ago. In the years around 2000 BC, the Babylonian New Year began with the first New Moon (actually the first visible cresent) after the Vernal Equinox (first day of spring). The Babylonian new year celebration lasted for eleven days. The Romans continued to ob- serve the new year in late March, but their calendar was continu- ally tampered with by various emperors so that the calendar soon became out of synchronization with the sun. +++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ** +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ** ACT NOW ** I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~~~~-Jack London ** Your Decision ** "A native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said 'I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.' The grandson asked him, 'Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?' The grandfather answered: 'The one I feed.'" +++++++++++++++++++++ ** "The Texas Cowboy" ** The old cowboy was dying and his young grandson was visiting at his bedside. "Grandpapa, can you tell me one thing?" "Yes son, what do want to know," said the old cowboy. "Grandpapa, how did you live so long?" "Well, son," the cowboy said in a dry raspy voice, from too many hard winters in the Texas panhandle, "You just sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning and you'll live for a long, long time." The young man faithfully did what his Grandpapa told him and he lived to be 93, had 14 kids, 28 grand kids, 53 great grand kids and blew the doors off the oven when they tried to cremate him. ++++++++++++++++++++ ** SWEET TALK ** I saw my co-worker Jim Monday morning. I was about to ask him how His weekend went when I noticed his black eye. It was a real shiner. "What happened to you? Were you mugged?", I asked. "Worse" Jim said painfully. "Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast in Mendicino this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin there." He said. "Well? How did you get that black eye? How did you get Those bruises on your arms? What about that cut over your other eye? " "Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table with Liz and Kevin And a couple on their honeymoon. We were all having breakfast together. "That honeymoon couple looked at each other with love in their eyes, when he turned to his new bride and asks 'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar'. "We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the 'isn't that romantic' look women get. Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey.' Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. "The last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to Suzie and saying 'Please pass the tea--bag'". ++++++++++++++++++++ ** Attorney Hunting ** (Just Good Humor, Says Andy) A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys 372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport ing (non-commercial) purposes. 372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited. 372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. 372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the same. 372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day: Yellow-bellied Sidewinders: 2 Two-faced Tort-feasors: 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3 Horn-rimmed Cut-throats: 2 Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4 Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.) ================================================================= >-->Fun Places To Nwet Visit: Prosterity and Health http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/prosperityhealth.html Mystery Revealed http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/mysteryrevealed.html The Fat Cat http://oddlots.digitalspace.net/cp_book/cat_jrrt_version1_small.GIF Things Men Know About Woman http://chickencrap.com/c.php?c=34 Courtroom testimony http://www.amigamccc.org/journal/0709cour.htm Tiny Grow http://www.box7box.com/tinygrow.html Truth Saves http://truthsaves.org/prophecy/ Musipedia http://musipedia.org/ -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Firework Frenzy Game http://www.miniclip.com/games/fireworks/en/ Happy New Year...Create your own fireworks http://www.angel9oh7.com/nyearfirw.html Happy New Year To You...written by Ginny Bryant http://www.alighthouse.com/newyear20.html TIME FOR A CHANGE W/High Flight http://community.webtv.net/Time-4-a-change/HighFlight TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER (NEW PAGE) http://www.wtv-zone.com/Mary/TOMBOFUNKNOWNSOLDIER.HTML Happy New Year...Flash http://www.angel9oh7.com/nypenguin1.html Men http://www.buffalosjokes.com/121130.htm Mentos &Coke http://www.buffalosjokes.com/121131.htm Mixing People http://www.buffalosjokes.com/112425.htm Simply The Best http://www.buffalosjokes.com/112426.htm Skate Miss http://www.buffalosjokes.com/112427.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes: "Humor is reason gone mad." - Groucho Marx "I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it." - Groucho Marx "I must confess, I was born at a very early age." - Groucho Marx __ .'` `'. / \ _ ; __.'` `'. | .'` `'. \ ; / HAPPY \ ; LOVE & BIG BEAR HUGS ... \; NEW ; | | Y E A R | ; _ ; 2 0 0 8 ;-./-_-` '-. /\ /_(;'/ `\() '. ; '.__ .'\|| ' | '. | ),\| \\ \() (\ ; \ \|/ __/ () \ __ \ \||\.~'_ `'.;-.___.~'` _'~. '.__ _/|/|/{ (_`.' '.`_) } `)/`\\\\ \ .' _ 0_._0 _ '. / .,_ \|| } -.' (_) '.- { _{ `\ \|{_ / '.___|___.' \ } //`._ | /` \ | | } }:'-. ()``'"--..==, { ,} \-"-/ .' } {,`-'. (//>`\> {` _./|\._. '-' ._ .~` /` ;'.() //> |> { {///( `-.-.-` ) _.' / '. ||> /> \ \|\);--`( )`--`(` } `\\>_.'> ; _/`/(__.'/`-'.,__/`, .` `"""` .-'` ;-.( \_(; \ .' .--, (`-._ ./ ` '. `-._..~` /o\\ jgs `'-;/``. `;-"`: |oo|| .--._ _.' . \ o ; . | /| /.-. ` . '._ _.' ' \_// ||oo\ `. `'-----` _.~`--..__,..' |\o | .~`'--......--' \'._/ _.~` `.__.-' - TILL NEXT YEAR - Shangy! >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************