Happy St.Patrick's Day! ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ @@ .##@@::;%%&&00' @><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 6 6 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 888'=='888' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \_'888888'_________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@Oo@o%&&00' / >< \ .##oO@Oo@O@o&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | Happy | ___LI)||(LI___ | St. Patrick's | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ Day! / `-----''-----` '.___________.' H A P P Y S T. P A T R I C K ' S D A Y ! ! I Hope ALL OF YOU Have A Very Safe And Blessed Day! ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) I spent time and went graphic searching finding several more animations for the graphic library. Check them out here... Shamrocks and St.Pats Day http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html -<>- >HOT OFF THE 'SHANGY' PRESS ... This one is Smokin'! It comes to us from two forwards! I combined one from our friend Viv and one from our friend PatH. Check it out here... ,_ :`. .--._ `.`-. / ',-""""' `. ``~-._.'_."/ `~-._ .` `~; ;. / / / jgs ,_.-';_,.'` `"-;`/ ,'` Ten Life Tips http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lifetips.html --- ...This was sweet! Thank You Ladies!! -<>- >-->Our Friend Viv sent us one and a sweet reminder: zipper stuck!!!--Need a Laugh today http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWH-VToohro w, .-. / / 9 9| ,w \ / > /_/ | `O' / ____ XXXXX________ _____X__X________] -__ /--- \_ _-__| _-`-_ `_-- - | -_ __ --- - _- --| _ejm97___________| Signs Of A Bad Day http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/badday.html --- ...Thanks Viv! and this one goes with it... .-. /6 6\ | > | ,w /| `=' |\/ _m/__XXXXX_______ ______X_X________] -__ /--/ _ _-__| _- `-_` __-- - | -_ __ --- - _- --| _ejm97___________| One Of Those Days http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/days.html =============================================================== >-->From The FunnyBone: My Little Girl's Invoice ____ .' `". My little girl came into the kitchen / | \ this evening while I was fixing supper. | \__.-, (_, And he handed me a piece of paper \ /` 9 `\ / she'd been writing on. So, after ,_ )| 9 . |` wiping my hands on my apron, I read it, \'. '.\ ,_/ / and this is what it said: _\ \.--.'.___.' `'. .-' _` a \.--, .' | For mowing the grass, $5. `""` \ a K ; ,-'\ _.;_ For making my own bed this week, $1. '.__,. (__.'`-._ ) For going to the store $.50. (_/\ '-. /_ For playing with baby brother while you ;-._)-._/ _) went shopping, $.25. / `` \ For taking out the trash, $1. '-._______.-' For getting a good report card, $5. |_ |_ | And for raking the yard, $2. | | | |__|__/ Well, I looked at her standing there jgs .-"'-'|--| expectantly, and a thousand memories flashed '.___,_|""| through my mind. So, I picked up the paper, \__/ and turning it over, this is what I wrote: For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me, No Charge. For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you, No charge. For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No Charge. For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No Charge. For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No Charge. For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No Charge. So, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No Charge. Well, when she finished reading, she had great big tears in his eyes. And she looked up at me and he said, "Mama, I sure do love you." Then she took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: PAID IN FULL. =============================================================== +--------------- Bizarre Acts of Stupidity ----------------+ In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shak- ing frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special cere- mony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250- page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. ============================================================ >-->From Joke A Day: .-"""""-. \ / |.-----.| __|_______|___ HAPPY '--;-'```'-;--' ST. PATRICK'S / / 6_6 \ \ DAY ! ( ( _) ) ) / ( ( .__. ) ) ( `._`-'_.' ) /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ | /___```___\ | \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ /..,_______,..\ / /\ \ | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ ( /\ LI\ `.___,-'` \ | '.__/ >WEARIN' O' THE GREEN by Joseph Walker I don't think any of the friends with whom I grew up were actually Irish. But every year at this time we became a pack of Welsh/ Scottish/German/ Navajo leprechauns, patrolling the schoolyard to enforce time-honored rules governing the annual wearin' o' the green. I'm not sure where these rules came from. They weren't written down anywhere, and I'm reasonably certain no governing body enacted them. They are just something that you know when you are 11. And at that time in your life, they are important. The rules were simple. You were supposed to wear green on St. Patrick's Day. No exceptions. Of course, how and where you wore it were matters open to private interpretation. You could wear a green outfit, which is what kindergartners and first graders tended to do. Or you could wear it covertly, which is what the older kids preferred. The main thing was, you had to wear something green -- somewhere. It didn't have to be visible, but it had to be showable. Showability was especially important when it came time to mete out punishment. And, oh yes, punishment was involved. Do you think my friends and I enforced the wearin' o' the green as a fashion statement? If you came to school on St. Patrick's Day without any green on, everyone could pinch you. According to my friend Albert, the pinch represented a bite from the snakes St. Patrick drove off of the Emerald Isle. Since Albert was Navajo and knew a lot about snakes, that seemed to us to be a reasonable justification for pinching people. Especially girls. Being fifth grade boys, touching girls was usually pretty much out of the question. But on St. Patrick's Day it was not only allowed, it was expected. Hence our unusual determination to comply with playground policy -- written or otherwise. Now, I should point out that the severity and the location of the pinch punishment was left to individual interpretation. Needless to say, it could be a long and painful day for anyone who forgot to wear green. However, if you were clever enough to hide your green and got pinched undeservedly, you were entitled to hit that person in the arm once you had shown them your green. I'm assuming that the hitting response to an unrequited pinch represented whacking a snake with a sheleleigh, but I'm not sure. Albert never ventured an opinion on the matter. By the time I got to fifth grade I was pretty good at hiding my green. The feeble pinches I received on my chubby arms were well worth the slugs I dished out in return. Which is why I was excited when my parents gave me my first pair of boxers for my 11th birthday -- and they were lime green! For more than a month I planned my strategy. I went out of my way to make sure there was nothing even remotely green in anything else I wore that day, and I carefully rotated my underwear to make sure the green boxers were in my drawer on March 17. Albert, George and Dean all pinched me on the way to school that morning -- and they all got hit by me after I showed them my boxers. My plan was working to perfection. Then I heard a voice behind me. It was soft and sweet -- and unnerving. In other words, it was JoAnn. "It doesn't look like you're wearing any green," JoAnn said to me, smiling sweetly. "Uh... er... umm... " I sputtered (which is what I did whenever JoAnn was around). JoAnn's sweet smile turned instantly vicious as she pinched my arm. Hard. Never in my life had I experienced such emotional cacophony. I felt pain from the pinch, but at the same time there was the extraordinary sensation of her fingers briefly on my arm. She actually touched me! On purpose! Then there was the feeling of triumph, knowing I had suckered in another victim, followed immediately by the horrifying realization that in order to fully enjoy my victory I was going to have to show JoAnn my underwear. Yeah, right. Like THAT was going to happen. So I just grimaced at JoAnn. "Yeah," I said. "You got me." She laughed joyfully. And then ran to tell her friends, who for some reason felt they had to come and pinch me too. What was I supposed to do? It couldn't look as though I had allowed JoAnn to get away with an unrequited pinch. That would be... unacceptable. So I just stood there and took it. All day long. The bruises on my arms had pretty much healed by the time the next St. Patrick's Day rolled around. But the memory hadn't faded. I wore green socks. Hey, you don't have to be Irish to add a new rule for the wearin' o' the green. -- Joseph Walker -<>- __...._ .-"` `\ / | | | \ | \ __...--'| \.-' |_..-, __\___...---'`_..-' (_______....--'\ / `\ (o \__ | | __) _ _ \ /`\ \ | (_Y_) _ '-.\_,| | T-._/ (_A_) _../`'T T-'` | | \__ _| .' | | | | \___ | /_\`\ / | | | | \ `/-`\ --| | \ | | | | /`----' |--' \ `\ \_; |`-.......-` .-.-'. \_LI ; / / /`-._ |`-\ \ jgs _/_/ / | \ \ ( ( ;.__ / \__,\__ `"`""` `""""` `.__._`; Q: What is Irish and sits on your back porch all night? . . A: Why Patty O'furniture of course. ======================================================================= , , /\ /\ /( /\ )\ _\ \_/ /_ |\_||_/| < \_ _/ > \______/ \|0 0|/ _\/_ _(_ ^ _)_ ( () ) /`\|V"""V|/`\ {} \ \_____/ / () /\ )=( /\ jgs {} / \_/\=/\_/ \ >-->How to Annoy the IRS *Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. *Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side. *If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. *If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. *Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. *Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). *Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money. *When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. *Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on. *Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack. *If they owe you money, being nice helps. ========================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: { { } }_{ __{ .-{ } }-. ( } { ) |`-.._____..-'| | ;--. | (__ \ | | ) ) | |/ / | / / -Felix Lee- | ( / \ y' `-.._____..-' -- Coffee taster's tongue insured for $14M --------- LONDON - A taste tester for Britain's Costa Coffee said the company has taken out a $14 million insurance policy on his tongue. Costa Coffee taster Gennaro Pelliccia said the company took out the policy with Lloyd's of London as it prepares to open a planned 100 new stores during the year, The Daily Telegraph reported. "In my profession, my taste buds and sensory skills are crucial," Pelliccia said. "My 18 years of experience enable me to distinguish between thousands of flavors. My taste buds also allow me to distinguish any defects, which enables me to protect and guarantee Costa's unique Mocha Italia blend." While competitor Starbucks has been forced to close hundreds of locations around the world, Costa officials said their company has thus far avoided any recession-powered downturn and reported positive sales growth this year. A spokesman for Glencairn, the Lloyd's broker handling the policy, said Pelliccia's insurance trumps the $4.8 million policy taken out for singer Bruce Springsteen's voice. "The taste buds of a 'master of coffee' are as important as the vocal chords of a singer or the legs of a top model, and this is one of the biggest single insurance policies taken out for one person. It shows how valuable Gennaro's tongue is to the Costa brand," the spokesman said. -- Bad haircut allegedly leads to bite ----------- JONKOPING, Sweden - A dissatisfied customer at a Swedish hair salon faces criminal charges for allegedly biting the proprietor. The owner told police that the woman knocked down a shelf in an angry rampage, Aftonbladet reported. She faces charges of criminal damage and assault. The woman, 42, had her hair cut Wednesday at the salon in Jonkoping. Police reports said that she told employees she did not like the cut before leaving the store and then returned a short time later, demanding a refund. When her request was refused, she allegedly became violent. The owner of the salon was taken to a hospital to be treated for his injuries. Police said that the woman was sober and not under the influence of drugs. (\-"""-/) | | \ ^ ^ / .-. \_o_/ / / /` `\/ | / \ | Man ejects intruding kangaroo \ ( ) / | / \_) (_/ \ / | (\-/) | \ --^o^-- / \ '.___.' / jgs .' \-=-/ '. / /` `\ \ (//./ \.\\) `"` `"` GARRAN, Australia - An Australian woman said her husband wrestled a 6-foot-tall kangaroo into a headlock and threw it out of the family home after it jumped in through a window.Verity Beman said the marsupial jumped through a window at about 2 a.m. Sunday and landed on the bed she shares with her husband, Beat Ettlin, at their Garran, Australia, home, CNN reported. She said the home is on the border of a kangaroo reserve. "At first, he (Ettlin) thought it was a lunatic ninja," Beman said. "It leaped through the window, this martial-arts kind of figure. It was very Jackie Chan." Beman said they soon discovered the intruder was a 90-pound kangaroo and it began rampaging through their home, punching furniture and leaving blood- stains on the walls. "That's when his male instinct kicked in," Beman said of her husband. Ettlin put the kangaroo in a headlock, dragged it toward the front door and ejected it from his home. Beman said her husband, who is originally from Switzerland, probably would not have confronted the kangaroo if he had been a native Australian. "They would be fully aware of the risk," she said. "I kept marveling at what he did," Beman said. "I called him my hero. My hero in Bonds undies." -- Woman, 107, has Disneyland royal treatment -------- ANAHEIM, Calif. - A woman in Orange County, Calif., said she was treated like a queen when she visited Disneyland for her 107th birthday. Margaret Johnstone said after being announced by a town crier at the famous tourist site, she received a round of applause while wearing a blinking princess tiara, The Orange County (Calif.) Register said Monday. "Hear ye, hear ye," the unidentified town crier said Sunday as Johnstone entered Disneyland in her wheel- chair. "Our princess is 107 years old today!" Johnstone, who was born in 1902, even got a chance to kiss the site's mascot, Mickey Mouse, when she found an employee dressed as the fictional character in Toontown. But the 107-year- old, who uses a wheelchair due to arthritis in her knee, didn't offer too many tips on her longevity beyond using Oil of Olay face cream for smooth skin. "Well, I've never believed in eating two starches at the same meal," she told the Register. =========================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: _H_ /___\ \888/ ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~U~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ ~ | ~ o | ~ ___ o | _,.--,.'` `~'-.._ O | /_ .-" _ /_\'. | ~ .-';' (( ` \0/ `\ # /__; ((_ ,_ | , # .-; \_ / # _#, / ; .-' / _.--""-.\`~` `#(('\\ ~ ;-'; / / .' )) \\ ; /.--'.' (( )) \ | ~ \\ (( \ | )) ` ~ \ | ` \ | jgs .` `""-. .' \ ~ ~ | |\ | \ / '-._| \.' Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone." His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?" As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married!" -<>- A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour. "Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor, "than raining cats and dogs in New York?" "Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!" -<>- When I stopped to visit a friend, I found her on the phone with a real-estate agent. "That's a little high!" she e xclaimed. "What can I get for less than $500 a month?" The reply was evidently not to my friend's liking. "I see," she said abruptly, and hung up. "What did the agent say you could get?" I asked. "A car." [Borrowed indiscriminately from Reader's Digest.] -<>- My cousin, a perpetual bachelor, owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to visit a manufacturer and check out the merchandise himself. And maybe he could meet an available young Italian women. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded. To this day he says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. -<>- @ ) (_m_\ \\" _.`~. `(#'/.\) .>' (_--, _=/d . ^\ ~~ \)-' ' / | ptr ##'##'#after a:f############## ################################# The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk. "Forty dollars." The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur." "What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked. The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too." -<>- Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad. -<>- _.._..,_,_ ( ) ]~,"-.-~~[ .=])' (; ([ | ]:: ' [ '=]): .) ([ |:: ' | ~~----~~ Paul Martin Howard Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. -<>- I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a husband. I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. Next month I go back to the cupboard...and again...there is only one tampon left again. What's going on? Gremlins? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are they doing with them? I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!" They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing with those? Those are mine!" My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and those make really good scud missiles...What do you use them for?" To which I replied: "Never Mind! Go Play!" -<>- . .. __..---/______//-----. (( ) .".--.```| - /.--. =: ( VROOM! )) (.: {} :__L______: {} :__; __--( __- -_= ) *--* *--* jnh My daughter, Mary, goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, Mary said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And check the oil, please." When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do you use?" "I just want the finest," Mary said. "Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water." "What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?" [Contributed to Reader's Digest by Maxine McMains.] -<>- A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz. -<>- Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on. My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!" ======================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: _H_ _H_ _H_ o88o. .=|_|===========v==|_|============v==|_|===========. (8%8898), / | | \ ,(8888%8688) /_________________|_________________|__________________(898%88688HJW) |=|_|_|_| =|_|_|=|X|)^^^(|X|=|/ \|=||_|_|_|=| ||_|_|=|`(86888%8%9b) |=|_|_|_|== |_|_|=|X|\___/|X|=||_||=||_____|=|_||_|_|=|___(88%%8888) |=_________= ,-. =|""""""""""="""""=|=_________== == =|_______\//`' |=|__|__|_| //O\\=|X|"""""|X|=//"\\=|=|_|_|_|_| .---.=|.=====.|| |=|__|__|_|=|| ||=|X|_____|X|=|| ||=|=|_______|=||"||=||=====||| |___d%8b____||_||_|=_________=||_||_|__d8%o%8b_=|j_j|=|j==o==j|\--- These are genuine clips from council house tenant complaint letters! (For those of you not from England - a council house is one owned by the local city - these are usually for rental by lower income families - very often there are multiple flats/apartments in a single building and usually poor sound insulation between them.) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. ========================================================================= >-->From Laught&Lift: , , /////| ///// | ///// | |~~~| | | |===| |/| | B |/| | | I | | | | B | | | | L | / | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' "Think of the last thing you prayed about--were you devoted to your desire or to God? Determined to get some gift of the Spirit or to get at God? "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him." The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself." - Oswald Chambers -<>- . . \'.____.'/ __'-. .-'__ .--. '_i:'oo':i_'---...____...----i"""-.-'.-"\\ /._ _.\ : / '._ ;/ ;'-._ ( o o ) '-.__.' '. '. '-." '-.__.-' _.--. '-.: : '-' / ; _..--, / ; : '-._.-' ; ; : : : ` .' '-._.' : / \ : / ____....--\ : '._\ :""""" '. !. : : |: : 'www'| \ '| | || | : | | : | || | .' ! | | .' !| | /__I | | /__I.' ! .' ! /__I /__I fsc >Bessie the Cow A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again. Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars." SUBSCRIBE INFO Want to receive a Christian inspirational item AND great clean humor in an email to you each day of the week? It's easy and FREE! Read all about Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com ================================================================= >-->From TheMouth: Late Show Top Ten Top Ten Messages Left On Bernie Madoff's Answering Machine 10. "This is Barnes & Noble. I'm sorry, we don't sell calendars for the year 2159" 9. "Hey Bernie, I've been out of the country — how are my investments doing?" 8. "Blockbuster calling. Your copies of 'The Great Escape' and 'The Shawshank Redemption' are overdue" 7. "Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS****?" 6. "It's Ruth — if you go out, remember to swindle some milk and eggs" 5. "If you're under house arrest, why aren't you home?" 4. "Sorry, I didn't mean to dial your number. I just sat on my phone" 3. "Hi Bernie, it's A-Rod's cousin. You looking to bulk up for prison?" 2. "It's Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?" 1. "It's George W. Bush. Can I still get in?" ============================================================= >-->From The Jokester: >Grandpa A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "But, Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." -<>- _____________________ | _________________ | | | JO 0. | | | |_________________| | | ___ ___ ___ ___ | | | 7 | 8 | 9 | | + | | | |___|___|___| |___| | | | 4 | 5 | 6 | | - | | | |___|___|___| |___| | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | | x | | | |___|___|___| |___| | | | . | 0 | = | | / | | | |___|___|___| |___| | |_____________________| Jeremy J. Olson >Fair Wages A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "A ha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him," said the farmer. -<>- >Ten Dollars is Ten Dollars Fred and his wife Edna went to the Fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the Fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." ================================================================ >-->From JokeCentral: I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream." The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: _ .!.!. ! ! ; : ; : ;_____: ! Coca! !_____! : : : ; .' '. : : k&n ''''' "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?" -<>- Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home. He approached a woman, shook her hand and inquired, "Do you know who I am?" "No," replied the old woman, "But if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!" -<>- A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!" _ _V.-o / |`-' (7_\\ jg So Grandpa shouted, "COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!" -<>- A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" -<>- ,-`"-=') =/////// ,== _,_(((((-`6\ ==.| /,,...\\\C _| .--. ((((\\\\\` _, /;_| )9 )))))./ `. / } _\,_ ,-'))) \ / /=-. ,-./ \/ '))) . /\_/ / \ (,-.%\ / /-' ') \/\ / ( \ (/ \ ' /( ' `-/ \( \ ,- / ( `-' \ . / / \ \ &_) /\ \ | ( /--.- \ \----,------=;% | _/ _); `. ` `-. .`\ ) +++/ \ ,," %&-. ; \\| `-` `-=.;_,.__.__\_,/ )_/___+_/_________\,"(_//_(__)______:-._) gpyy >SOME MORE THINGS I'VE LEARNED. I've learned that you won't have a life without Jesus living your life for you and without Jesus you won't have a good afterlife either! -age 19 I've learned that in the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure. - age 18 If we knew all the answers, we wouldn't be scientists...we'd be gods. - age 18 (JHoops22) You become what you surround yourself with. - age 18--stugatsa I've learned that you can do something in a instant that can give you a heartache for life. -age 27 I've learned that a teenager's biggest fear, is the fear of a broken heart. - age 16 I've learned that you should never go to bed with an argument unsettled. - age 73 I've learned that there are no unimportant acts of kindness. - age 51 I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and still have a great time. -age 18 I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. - age 19 I've learned that we spend too much times wishing for the things we don't have and missing the things we do. - age 22 I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. -age 25 I've learned that you shouldn't judge people too quickly. Sometimes they have a good reason for the way they act. - age 20 I've learned that love, not time, heals all wounds. - age 31 I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. -age 46 Dance like no one is watching and love like it's not going to hurt (even though it will) - 15 I've learned that sometimes you don't realize how much you care for a person until they stop caring for you. - 17 (steph) I've learned no matter what to say what you feel and feel what you say...otherwise it's just meaningless words. - age 14 I've learned that sometimes we do things that we regret but we need to accept them and move on -age 16 I've learned that you can't spend your whole life correcting your past because you'll regret it in your future. - age 16 I've learned that friendship and love are powerful tools, they make or break someone. I've also learned that the best way to make firends is to be one. And that if you aren't open and honest you can never be trusted or loved. And that you don't necessarily need to say something all the time!!! - age 16 I've learned that change is extremely hard, but you learn so much about yourself and get a completely different perspective which makes you different and special. - age 16 I've learned that no matter how rough things are, it WILL get better. - age 16 The greatest things in life are feelings - true feelings. Emotions are what make life rich, always. make sure you are feeling something, because the moment that you aren't life becomes dead. - age 16 I've learned not to stress out about things. You just gotta think, "how does this really affect me in the long run" and you will find that a great deal of the time you can worry a lot less than you thought. - age 17 I've learned that God is an endless fountain of forgiveness and patience. - age 17 I've learned that no matter what I'm going through, God is always there to give me a hug and say we'll make it through ~ age 16 ============================================================ ,-----. W/,-. ,-.\W ()>a a<() (.--(_)--.) ,'/.-'\_/`-.\`. ,' / `-' \ `. / \ / \ / `. ,' \ / / `-._.-' \ \ ,-`-._/| |=|o |\_.-< <,--.) |_____| |o____| )_ \ `-)| |// _ \\| )/ || |' | `| || | | | || ( )|( ) || | | | || | | | || |_.--.|.--._| || /'""| |""`\ [] `===' `===' hjw >-->"Senior" version of "Jesus Loves Me" Jesus loves me, this I know Though my hair is white as snow Though my sight is growing dim Still He bids me trust in him. (chorus) Yes, Jesus loves me yes, Jesus loves me Yes. Jesus loves me the bible tells me so. Though my steps are oh, so slow. With my hand in his I'll go On through life, let come what may He'll be there to lead the way (chorus) Yes, Jesus loves me yes, Jesus loves me Yes. Jesus loves me the bible tells me so. Though I am no longer young, I have much which he's begun Let me serve Christ with a smile. Go with other's the extra mile (chorus) Yes, Jesus loves me yes, Jesus loves me Yes. Jesus loves me the bible tells me so. When the nights are dark and long, In my heart he puts a song, Telling me in words so clear, "Have not fear, for I am near." (chorus) Yes, Jesus loves me yes, Jesus loves me Yes. Jesus loves me the bible tells me so. When our work on earth is done, And life's vic'tries have been won He'll come take us home above, Then we'll understand his love (chorus) Yes, Jesus loves me yes, Jesus loves me Yes. Jesus loves me the bible tells me so. I love Jesus, does he know? Have I ever told Him so? Jesus loves to hear me say That I love him every day. ========================================================================= _ .aaaaa. H 8P""""`. __H._ 8| o_ | |==== \8|((,/ '_______ A Man's steamer!! | __ Y8a888aP ___ #: / ,' `.Y8888P.' `. #: | : :888(/ . \ `-| (\) |:=:"| (\) | _> ____ \ /(=) ` '________a:f____ `-._.- `-._.-' >-->The Cameron Column - - - Steam-Room Rules Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com (Please do me the courtesy of leaving my copyright intact.) People who stop me on the street to admire the finely sculpted muscles under my shirt, which happens never, usually ask me if I spend a lot of time at the gym. I do spend a lot of time at the gym. I go nearly every day, a habit I've maintained for several years now. This gives you yet another reason to admire me, I realize: Formerly, you were perhaps impressed with the amount by which I have managed to exceed my credit-card limit, or by the number of automobiles that can be found parked in my driveway whenever one of my teenagers takes advantage of the fact that I okay'd having "a couple of friends" over. I don't mind sharing with you the secrets to establishing a regular exercise routine: 1) Always stick to the same schedule, picking an hour when you'd normally be doing something even less pleasant, like work, and 2) when you get there, spend all of your time in the steam room. The steam room is a great place to relax and soothe your muscles, which are usually sore from the car ride over. You'll work up a sweat with far less effort than the people grunting and herniating in the weight room above you. You'll bond with other naked males in a ritual dating all the way back to the stone age, when cave men would go to their health clubs and talk about whatever guys talked about before televised sports. (I've never been to the women's side to see if they are naked in there as well, but as a responsible journalist I would be willing to go.) Once in the steam room, there are some really important points of etiquette to observe. If you break the steam-room rules, you'll be denounced as "the person who broke the steam-room rules." Rule One: No matter what, do not glance at any guy below the waist. Naked men simply do not look There. Someone could come into the steam room with a live alligator clinging to his upper thigh, and no one would say anything. Rule Two: Men who fart in the steam room will be beaten without mercy. Rule Three: You may not complain about the heat, even if the wall tiles are melting. You may refer to the temperature in the context of admiring remarks like, "it's a bit warm in here," and "I'm really in favor of all these blisters I'm getting." If you can't speak without crying, don't say anything. Rule Four: Usually someone will come in and spray some sort of chemical on the heater valve, like eucalyptus or oil of mace. Don't complain about this even if your retinas burst into flames. The stuff is supposed to open your nasal passages and works under the same principle as Drano. I've noticed that a lot of times, these guys will come in, spray this caustic stuff all over, and then flee. I'm not sure this is fair. Rule Five: You're not supposed to practice any sort of personal hygiene in the steam room, like a shave or a colonic irrigation. Do not brush your teeth or delouse your scalp. Rule Six: If you're going to talk, devote the conversation to something which will demonstrate how smart, powerful, or successful you are. If the subject is sports, reveal the startling fact that you knew how the game was going to turn out before it was played. The steam room is not the place to ruminate on the meaning of life or express confusion about your sexual identity. Most of the time, though, you won't be able to talk because your lungs are boiling. Rule Seven: Once you are in the steam room, you can't leave until someone else does first. This is a really dumb rule and might motivate you to just skip the steam room altogether: I've seen two guys stay in there so long they looked like they should be dipped in butter. But if you go in and then come out again before anyone else, you will be considered less of a man. Unpoached, but less of a man. These rules may seem harsh, but just think of the alternative: Exercise. Write to the Author at Bruce@wbrucecameron.com The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2004 http://www.wbrucecameron.com =============================================================== >-->Fun Places To Net Visit: >From Our Friend Wesley :) Incremental Backup Tool http://www.nongnu.org/duplicity/ Extensible Screen Reader http://live.gnome.org/Orca Sergeant Stubby http://www.dawnrestdogs.org/HEROES_SGTSTUBBY.html The Antikythera Mechanism http://tinyurl.com/ca8ory How Fast Are You??? http://tinyurl.com/45ddg Shakespeare Found ? http://tinyurl.com/dbl5db World Builder http://www.vimeo.com/3365942 --- ...Thanks Wesley - Lots of Good Ones here! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Malin Space Science Systems Home Page Via Dianne http://www.msss.com/ ACTOR RON SILVER DIES IN NYC AT AGE 62 OF CANCER http://celebritydeathbeeper.com/7171022.html Leprechaun Web Cam http://www.irelandseye.com/leprechaun/lwatchnj.htm Removing Car Dents http://www.filecabi.net:80/video/20494805.html uh 60 IN mOSUL http://www.buffaloschips.com/gthr.htm Muschel http://www.buffaloschips.com/ujkyfhtf.htm My family Reunion http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdg.htm National Anthem Cactus http://www.buffaloschips.com/iuyuy.htm Negotiating a Real Piece of Work http://www.buffaloschips.com/jhgtgf.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ========================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." - Evelyn Waugh "If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." - Vince Lombardi "Any war that requires the suspension of reason as a necessity for support is a bad war." - Norman Mailer _ _ _____ ____ ____ _ _ ( ) ( ) ( _ ) ( _ \ ( _ \ ( ) ( ) | |_| | | (_) | | |_) )| |_) ) \ \_/ / | _ | | _ | | ,__/ | __/ \ / | | | | | | | | | | | | | | (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) ____ _____ ____ _____ _____ ____ _ ___ _ _ _ ____ ( _ \(_ _) ( _ \ ( _ )(_ _)( _ \ ( ) / _ \ ( ) ( )( )( _ \ | (_(_) | | | |_) )| (_) | | | | (_) )| || ( (_)| |/ / |/ | (_(_) _\__ \ | | | __/ | _ | | | | / | || | _ | , < ' _\__ \ ( )__) | | | _ | | | | | | | | | |\ \ | || (_( )| |\ \ ( )__) | \_____) (_)(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)(_) \___/ (_) (_) \_____) ____ _____ _ _ __ ( _ \ ( _ )( ) ( ) ( ) | | \ \ | (_) | \ \_/ / | / | | ) )| _ | \ / |/ | |_/ / | | | | | | _ (____/ (_) (_) (_) (_) ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSSE :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & SService You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DDARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR Send a BLANK email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************