Happy St. Patrick's Day ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net =========================== ~*~ HOPE EVERYONE HAS/HAD A HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY! ~*~ ________ .##@@&&&@@##. ,##@&::%&&%%::&@##. #@&:%%000000000%%:&@# #@&:%00' '00%:&@# #@&:%0' '0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# #@&:%0 0%:&@# "" ' " " ' "" _oOoOoOo_ .-.-. (oOoOoOoOo) ( : ) )`"""""`( .-.`. .'.-. / \ (_ '.Y.' _) | # | ( .'|'. ) \ / '-' | '-' jgs `=========` >-->In The 'Shangy' News: I added several FUNNIES to our group files. Visit here to view them: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList/files/ -<>- >Hot off the 'Shangy' Press... Thanks to our friend John-Paul, we have a new inspirational page! Be sure to give it time to load and turn up your sound: .-------. |(~\o/~)| _.||\/X\/||._ ,-" || \ / || "-, ,' () ||o X o|| () ', / () ,-|| / \ ||-, () \ : o ,' ||/\X/\|| ', o ; .----------._)~ ~(_.----------. |\/)~~(\/\ (~\ /~) /\/)~~(\/| |(X () X) >o >-X-< o< (X () X)| |/\)__(/\/ _(_/|\_)_ \/\)__(/\| '----------' ) ( '----------' ; o ', ||\/~\/|| ,' o ; \ () '-|| \o/ ||-' () / ', () |(~\X/~)| () ,' '-._ ||\/ \/|| _.-' '|| \_/ ||' || X || ||\(/\/|| ||=)O(=|| ||/\/)\|| || X || || / \ || ||/\X/\|| jgs |(_/o\_)| '._____.' The Holy Alphabet http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/holyalpha.html Be Sure to Visit His Home Page Here: http://www.geocities.com/jpw1936/index.html --- ...Thank You for sharing this with us John-Paul! -<>- >We Also have a New Addition to our Pet Gallery! http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/pets.html Jane shares her pet with us here: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/pets/Janespet.html Be sure to let her know how you feel about her pet! --- ...Thank You Jane! AND THANK YOU To those who spent the time to give a comment! -<>- >Unfortunately I updated my pet page too :( Shangy's Pet Page http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/pets/Shangyspets.html My cat Spray passed on Saturday. Made for a very sad day. .-"^`\ /`^"-. .' ___\ /___ `. / /.---. O .---.\ \ | // '-. _o/0\o_ .-' \\ | | ;| \ (0\|W|/0) / |; | \ || |\_) \~_~_~/ (_/| || / \ | \ . \ ; .-.^.-. ; / . / | / '\_\ \\ \ \ \ / ' \ / / / // /_/' \\ \ \ \ \ / / / / // jgs `'-\_\_\ \ / /_/_/-'` ` '. .' ` ` A Special Thank You to those who gave kind comments. ================================================================== _.._ /` `\ | | Ice Cream Is Good For The Soul \._ _./ / `""""` \ | | Last week I took my children to a restaurant. \._ _./ My six-year-old son asked if he could say \ `""""` / grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is \## / good. God is great. Thank You for the food, \### / and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us jgs \##/ ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice \/ for all. Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added, indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing, "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already." +--------------------- Bizarre History --------------------+ FACTS Beer was the first trademarked product - British beer Bass Pale Ale received its trademark in 1876. Playing-cards were known in Persia and India as far back as the 12th century. A pack then consisted of 48 instead of 52 cards. Excavations from Egyptian tombs dating to 5,000 BC show that the ancient Egyptian kids played with toy hedgehogs. Accounts from Holland and Spain suggest that during the 1500s and 1600s urine was commonly used as a tooth-cleaning agent. In 1969 the US launched a male chimpanzee called Ham into space. In 1963 the French launched a cat called Feliette into space. The first written account of the Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie, was made in 565AD. ================================================================ >-->WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING... .-"""""-. \ / |.-----.| __|_______|___ '--;-'```'-;--' / / 6_6 \ \ ( ( _) ) ) Tis Due To A Joke Or Two... ( ( .__. ) ) ( `._`-'_.' ) /`'-._`"`_.-'`\ | /___```___\ | \ |___|L|___| / \/ `"` \/ /..,_______,..\ / /\ \ | ,-' `-, | \ `\ ,-'` / jgs __LI`--`\|`.__/ ( /\ LI\ `.___,-'` \ | '.__/ Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?" -<>- Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water." -<>- An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." -<>- A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." -<>- Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat! -<>- A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other." The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too." -<>- His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!" -<>- The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. " "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober." -<>- "Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time!" -<>- Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !! -<>- Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted. Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?" And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ." Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're cooking." Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!" -<>- "Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it?" "Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !" ======================================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: _ _ (_(_) /(_) (-----. |= | _|=____|_ (_________) 8" "8 (8 6 6 8) 8 7 8 88-=###, _ jgs "888"`##,|#| `###' Ahhh, getting older..... When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less, I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress. But now that I am older, I've set my body free; There's comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be. Inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven; I have to wear a nine now, But used to wear a seven. And how about those pantyhose-- They're sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees? I need to wear these glasses As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller. Though my hair has turned to silver and my skin no longer fits, On the inside, I'm the same old me, Just the outside's changed a bit. On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. I just did. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ================================================================== >-->In The WorldlyNews... >From Our Friend DancinGirl :) Sheriff: US woman sat on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years; didn't want to leave bathroom... Read about it here: http://tinyurl.com/3d5t4p --- ...Yeah - this is one of those Strange But True stories! -<>- >From LifeScript: 7 Healthy St. Patrick’s Day Recipes Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day! Whether you want to serve traditional Irish fare, cook with beer or add a little green to your plate, we have a variety of healthy recipes for you to choose from. We hope a few of these dishes make it onto your table for a delightful – and healthful – celebration this March 17…] http://www.lifescript.com/HA/39573_4238409_8763_0.htm Brewing the Benefits of Good Health For many, St. Patrick’s Day is a time to enjoy a pint with friends and family. Now there’s an even better reason to hoist a cold, frothy one: There may a touch of virtue in your brew. New studies show beer may have some health benefits. That’s some medical luck that’s not just for the Irish… Visit Here for more: http://www.lifescript.com/HA/40541_4238409_8999_0.htm -<>- >From Newsmax.com - Obama Attended Hate America Sermon Read About it here: http://tinyurl.com/2sfpgp >And From GrassFire: The controversy surrounding Barack Obama and the radical statements by his long-time pastor, Jeremiah Wright, continues to escalate. You can follow this story on my Briefing for today: http://www.firesociety.com/blog/100/ElliottBlog/?src=111 --- ... Scary! to think, America has come down to this-- Our Country`s Founders, must truly be turning over in their `Graves`! This however comes as no surprise to me. I made my mind up about Obama when I checked out his church. The fact that he has stayed with this church for so long tells you of his character. I do not trust him and pray for wisdom to the US people! -<>- >From AFA: University of Virginia newspaper mocks Christ and Christians Last week, the University of Virginia's student paper, The Cavalier Daily, ran a cartoon depicting a naked man smoking a cigarette in bed. Standing beside the bed, a woman in her underwear buttons up her shirt and asks, "Come on God, be honest - Did you really get a vasectomy? I can't let Joseph find out about this." The man replies, "Well, Mary, you're f***ed." The editors used the week before Holy Week to run this bigoted cartoon belittling Christ and Christians. Just a day earlier, the paper ran a cartoon portraying a crucified Jesus telling jokes onstage. TAKE ACTION! Send An Email to Gov. Kaine and the members of the state college board asking that the university's newspaper show more class, intelligence and tolerance in the cartoons they run, and to stop their anti-Christian bias. http://tinyurl.com/2p5762 Forward this alert to friends and family and urge them to send an e-mail. Thank you for caring enough to get involved. Sincerely, Don Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman --- ...Frankly I wonder what people here in our Western world are thinking. Our entire culture and civilization is built upon Jesus Christ. Not only here in America but I am referring to every country that uses our standard calendar. We mark the years according to the time before Jesus Christ as BC - Before Christ and the time after Jesus Death as AD - After his Death. Why is this our standard? Easy. It came from the absolute belief of a FACT that a man of God lived and died - and Not Just Any Man of God - but the MOST IMPORTANT MAN OF GOD TO HAVE EVER LIVED - THE SON OF GOD. This is why we mark time according to Jesus Christ, HE WAS/IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN EVER AND WE EXPECT HIM TO RETURN. We believe this. So, we have marked time like a castaway would on s cave wall - Marking the days till someone comes and saves them. Day by day, month by month, year by year - A Mark. We mark the time before he came to save us as BC. We mark the time after he came and died for us. We await His return and mark the time as AD. We wait for Him - Jesus Christ. To those that don't believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God or don't believe in God, I must ask them, 'How Long have you lived? How old are you? Do you think in the time you have been alive that you know more then all these people throughout the ages who have lived and died and kept these ways do? Do you think these people simply handed down lies to their children and to their children's children without ever telling them it was not true - just some sort of joke or made up story? Wouldn't it be terrible to find at the end of time that you messed up and in fact all those countless others had it right all along? Of course, then, it would be too late for you. So tell me, why would you want to take that kind of a risk? That just Baffles me! -<>- >From BizarreNews: --- Product tests dog intelligence ---------------- BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - PoochIQ.com of Beverly Hills, Calif., is marketing a product it says can assess the mental prowess of man's best friend. The company said the Pooch IQ Kit includes 15 "mentally stimulating" tasks designed to determine whether a dog's intelligence is above, below or at the average, the New York Post reported Monday. "We developed it in-house and we did a ton of research on both human and dog intelligence," said PoochIQ.com spokeswoman Stacy Stubblefield. One dog tested by the Post scored a 121 IQ on the test, putting him in the 91st percentile of dogs according to the company's standards. Another scored 104 IQ, an average score, and a third came in with just an 89 IQ, below average. ------ Institute offers March Madness vaasectomies ------ EUGENE, Ore. - A Eugene, Ore., radio station and the Oregon Urology Institute are encouraging men to have vasectomies in time for the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament. The institute's radio advertisements encourage men to "lower your seed for the tournament," and KSCR, a local sports talk station, sweetened the deal by promising pizza delivery and frozen peas to ease the pain of any man who undergoes the procedure the day before a game, The (Portland) Oregonian reported Monday. The center's ad campaign suggests having the birth-control surgery the day before a game all but guarantees that clients' wives will allow them to spend the day lounging in front of the TV. -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Teen convicted in dog extortion case A Philadelphia court has found a teenager guilty of extortion and other charges in the case of a still-missing dog. Victor Rodriquez, 15, was convicted of theft by extortion, conspiracy, terroristic threats and harassment/stalking for allegedly calling a man who put up posters seeking the return of his lost dog, the Philadelphia Daily News reported Tuesday. Witnesses testified Rodriquez and a second young male called Bill Whiting and demanded $600 in exchange for the return of his dog, Edna. The number was traced to Rodriquez's aunt's house. Edna, a brown beagle mix, disappeared from Whiting's home Oct. 31. Whiting said he received a second call the next night from a man who said Edna had been killed. The call came from a disposable cell phone and authorities have yet to identify the caller. Rodriquez is due to be sentenced March 31. Family fights off rabid mountain lion An Arizona man says an attack by a rabid mountain lion in the Tonto National Forest was not enough to shake his grandson's unflappable calm. Newton Smith of Glendale said his grandson, Paul John Schalow, 10, walked away from the attack with only cuts and scratches after the beast was shot by the boy's uncle, The Arizona Republic reported Tuesday. "Paul said to himself, when the lion was on him, 'I know he's trying to push me, and I wasn't going to let him,'" Smith said. The victim and five family members who were exposed to the lion are receiving post-exposure rabies shots after the animal tested positive for the disease, said Randy Babb, a biologist with the Arizona Game & Fish Department. Babb said the incident marked the first reported rabid mountain lion attack in his 20 years with the department. "It's very unusual," Babb said. "You see rabies in mostly rats, foxes, skunks, other species. It's an unusual occurrence when you see rabies in a lion." ================================================================== >-->IRISH HUMOR __...._ .-"` `\ / | | | \ | \ __...--'| \.-' |_..-, __\___...---'`_..-' I FOUND IT! (_______....--'\ / `\ (o \__ MORE SMILES FOR YOU! | | __) _ _ \ /`\ \ | (_Y_) _ '-.\_,| | T-._/ (_A_) _../`'T T-'` | | \__ _| .' | | | | \___ | /_\`\ / | | | | \ `/-`\ --| | \ | | | | /`----' |--' \ `\ \_; |`-.......-` .-.-'. \_LI ; / / /`-._ |`-\ \ jgs _/_/ / | \ \ ( ( ;.__ / \__,\__ `"`""` `""""` `.__._`; This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan. "That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written." To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too." -<>- Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. "It's windy," said one. "No, it's Thursday," said the next. "So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!" -<>- "And how's yer wife, Pat?" "Sure, she do be awful sick." "Is ut dangerous she is?" "No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!" -<>- "Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!" -<>- The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly." -<>- "Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!" ====================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: .-~-. .' '. / \ .-~-. : ; .' '.| | / \ : : ; .-~""~-,/ | /` `'. : | \ \ | / `. .' \ .' jgs `~~~` '-.____.-' A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' -<>- An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already soiled my pants!" HE GOT THE JOB ! ==================================================================== >-->From JokeCentral: ,-"""""--,-"") (""-,--"""""-. :| \; '| |' :/ |: ;| :",_,: : "\| `-|;" : :,_,": |; ctr |_|| |_| J L |_| ||_| A Day at the Zoo It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!" -<>- Not the Smartest Kids These three boys have just got their grades from their female sex education teacher. One of them got a D+, the second one got a D- and the third got an E. "We should get her for this," says the first boy. "Yeah, let's grab her..." says the second. "Yeah," interrupts the third, "And then let's kick her in the nuts." -<>- Grandmother? Is that you? A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" -<>- ,'-', :-----: (''' , - , ''') \ ' . , ` / \ ' ^ ? / \ ` - ,' `j_ _,' ,- -`\ \ /f ,- \_\/_/'- , `, , , /\ \ | / \ ', , f : :`, , <...\ , : ,- ' \,,,,\ ; : j ' \ \ :/^^^^' \ \ ; ''': \ -, -`.../ ' - -,`,--` \_._'-- '---: Storm The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony." -<>- An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.....But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will always need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached. ==================================================================== __, ,__) __,__) ,__) ____, __, ,__) .--. (--|__| _ (--| ,_ ' , |_ (--/_| ,_ _ (--\ | _ ) __| |(_)(_|_) __|__ | |/_)| | / | | (/_ \_|(_)(_| .-' ( ( |_, / (___| | . .-.-. ( : ) ~|~|_~(_~~|~ \|/~\| ||~) ~|~ /~\ ( IRISH .-.\ ' /.-. | |_ ,_) | |\_/\_/|~\ _|_.\_X. QUOTIENT ) (_.. 'Y' .._) ( /|\ ) jgs '-' | '-' .-. (_" \ 1. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? / `\ \ ^ ) ) 2. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? ( ( .:. ) ) 3. _oOoOo Where does ( ( [_||||| green beer \ \ ||||| come from? `\| ~~~~~ 4. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? 5. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 6. What's Irish and stays out all night? _oOoOoOo_ (oOoOoOoOo) 7. How did the Irish jig get started? )`"""""`( / \ 8. Why do leprechauns have pots o' gold? | G O L D | \ / 9. What's an Irish windbreaker? `=========` 10. On St. Patrick's Day, while people are searching for tiny, little leprechauns, what are leprechauns searching for? @@ .##@@::;%%&&00' @><@ .###@@::;%%&&00' ________) .###@@::;%%&&00' | | .###@@::;%%&&00' _ _|===LI===|_ .###@@::;%%&&00' / \_(____________) .###@@::;%%&&00' \ / (88 6 6 88) .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 88: 7 :88` .###@@::;%%&&00' \/\ 888'=='888' .###@@::;%%&&00' \ \_'888888'_________.###@@::;%%&&00' \___<\""/>_____/_/_-'##@Oo@o%&&00' / >< \ .##oO@Oo@O@o&00' /__/--\__\ (oO@OoO@@o@oO@@o) '-.______.-' /`"""""""""""""`\ jgs _|_||_|_ | Happy | ___LI)||(LI___ | St. Patrick's | ( ~~ || ~~ ) \ Day! / `-----''-----` '.___________.' The ANSWERS: 1. He couldn't afford plane fare. 2. Real rocks would look funny. 3. Who cares? As long as it keeps coming! 4. He's Dublin over with laughter. 5. They're always a little short. 6. Pati O'Furniture! 7. Lots of beer and too few restrooms! 8. They like to "go" first class. 9. Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage! 10. Tiny, little women! -= Give yourself a point for each right answer, and put an "O" in front of your name! =- -joan (funny from an American Greetings card/ASCII art by me) ============================================================= >-->From InspiredBuffalo: .-'"`/\ // /' /\`\ ('//.-'/`-.; \ \ / /-. __.__.___..__._.___.\\ \\----,_ .:{@&#,&#@&,@&#&&,#&@#&@&\\` \-. .-'-. .:{@#@,#@&#,@#&&#,@&#&@&,&@#&&\\, -._,"- \ .{#@#&@#@#&#&@&#@#@&#,@#@#&@&&#@#\ \// = \`=\__ `{#@,@#&@&,@&#@,#@&#@#&@#&@,&#@,#/\/ =`-. -_=__ `:{@#&@&#@&#@&#@,#&&#@&,@#/.' / / "/.-', / `:{@#&,#&@#,@&#&@&,@&#/.-// //-'-_= ",/ jgs `~`~~`~~~`~`~`~~`~( / , /__,___.-" \ \\/ `\\\' >The Spider and the Bug There was once a spider who lived in a cornfield. He was a big spider and he had spun a beautiful web between the corn stalks. He got fat eating all the bugs that would get caught in his web. He liked his home and planned to stay there for the rest of his life. One day the spider caught a little bug in his web, and just as the spider was about to eat him, the bug said, "If you let me go I will tell you something important that will save your life." The spider paused for a moment and listened because he was amused. "You better get out of this cornfield," the little bug said, "The harvest is coming!" The spider smiled and said, "What is this harvest you are talking about? I think you are just telling me a story." But the little bug said, "Oh no, it is true. The owner of this field is coming to harvest it soon. All the stalks will be knocked down and the corn will be gathered up. You will be killed by the giant machines if you stay here." The spider said, "I don't believe in harvests and giant machines that knock down corn stalks. How can you prove this?" The little bug continued, "Just look at the corn. See how it is planted in rows? It proves this field was created by an intelligent designer." The spider laughed and mockingly said, "This field has evolved and has nothing to do with a creator. Corn always grows that way." The bug went on to explain, "Oh no. This field belongs to the owner who planted it, and the harvest is coming soon." The spider grinned and said to the little bug, "I don't believe you," and then the spider ate the little bug for lunch. A few days later, the spider was laughing about the story the little bug had told him. He thought to himself, "A harvest! What a silly idea. I have lived here all of my life and nothing has ever disturbed me. I have been here since these stalks were just a foot off the ground, and I'll be here for the rest of my life, because nothing is ever going to change in this field. Life is good, and I have it made." The next day was a beautiful sunny day in the cornfield. The sky above was clear and there was no wind at all. That afternoon as the spider was about to take a nap, he noticed some thick dusty clouds moving toward him. He could hear the roar of a great engine and he said to himself, "I wonder what that could be?" ~Unknown Author --- ...An excellent Romans 10:9,10 lesson! -<>- >BE ALL THESE THINGS: Be understanding to your enemies. Be loyal to your friends. Be strong enough to face the world each day. Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone. Be generous to those who need your help. Be frugal with what you need yourself. Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything. Be foolish enough to believe in miracles. Be willing to share your joys. Be willing to share the sorrows of others. Be a leader when you see a path others have missed. Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty. Be the first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds. Be the last to criticize a colleague who fails. Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble. Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way. Be loving to those who love you. Be loving to those who do not love you, and they may change. Above all, be yourself. --- Author Unknown -<>- Links for Your Enjoyment Parking http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3246.htm ParkingT http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3247.htm Parkingp http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3248.htm Visa http://buffalosjokes.com/112438.htm QVC Clip http://www.buffalosjokes.com/112439.htm Lucky Tree http://www.buffalosjokes.com/121125.htm rounds http://www.buffalosjokes.com/121126.htm Subscribe send a blank email to: the-inspired-buffalo-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ============================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt." -<>- When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied." -<>- My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof. The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?" -<>- On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" ============================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit: Spring's Coming! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/spring.html World Of Wonder! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/worldofwonder.html Amazing Cop Cars: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/copcars.html FOUR CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/fourcrucifiedwithchrist.html -<>- >From TheMouth: Pick the Worst You will be presented with two options. Neither of them are good. Your task is to simply pick the worst. http://www.picktheworst.com/ --- ...Sounds like the democratic candidates St. Patrick's Day Games Increase your enjoyment of the holiday with a few festive games like St. Patrick's Day Unscramble. Leprechaun Puzzle. Lucky Leprechaun. St. Patrick's Day Dot-to-Dot ... Back to St. Patrick's Day at Alphabet Soup. http://www.alphabet-soup.net/hol/stpgame.html ----------------------- What's Your Leprechaun Name? If you were a little Irish faerie, what would your name be? Mine is: Hairy Forrekettle. http://www.blogthings.com/leprechaunnamegenerator/ -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Carolyn with/Giggle Giggle Bunny http://carolynspreciousmemories.com./Junebugs/Holidays/GiggleGiggleBunny.html BabyLissa's Lucky Day http://babylissa.250free.com/CHARMED12U/BabyLissasLuckyDay.html Martha w/May The Blessing Of Light Be Upon You http://www.epicureansdelight.stocktonet.com/An_Irish_Blessing.htm Angel O Irish Blessings http://www.angel9oh7.com/irishbless.html Unicorn Meadow http://byjoni.com/unicornm.html Leprechaun Web Cam http://www.irelandseye.com/leprechaun/lwatchnj.htm Irish Songs http://www.fiftiesweb.com/stpats/irish.htm ST PAT Shamrock Facts http://www.fourleafclover.com/3fact.html St. Patrick's Day Recipes, Menus, Beers http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/et_hd_st_patricks_day Leprechaun http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leprechaun Movies Amazing what a little chocolate will do for you http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12147.htm Bus Duck Don't try this one at home http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12145.htm Dr Knotty http://buffalosjokes.com/82317.htm Police Stop http://buffalosjokes.com/82318.htm Honda SUV with a unique way of repelling Dogs http://www.buffalosjokes.com/12148.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ================================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Am I going mad or did the word THINK escape your lips!" --Wallace Shawn as Vizzini in The Princess Bride. "In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window." --Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School. "A man's life always starts today. Every morning is a beginning, a fresh start, and a man needn't be hog-tied to the past. Whatever went before, a man's life can begin now, today." --Louis L'Amour "Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education." -Bertrand Russell "There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money." -Benjamin Franklin ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOOUSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales && Service You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR Send a BLANK email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************