Here A Test, There A Test... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net =========================== >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) >Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press... This one is still Smokin'! Have you seen some of the TV shows titled 'When Good Times Go Bad'? Well, this one could be called 'When Good Intentions Go Bad' Check it out here... ( )___( ) /__oo \ ( \/ ) | `=/ | / \ / / \ \ / ( \ \ ( ,_/_ \ \ \_ '= \ ) ""' / / ; / /'? : (((( / ctr `._ \ _ ( __| | /_ ("__,.."'_._.) Wild Bear Release: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bearrelease.html This next one comes from our friend Del. It struck me as very weird, so I just had to do up a page on it - see what you think... Bizarre: Chapel With Human Bone Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chapel.html -<>- We are coming up to Memorial Day Weekend. _______________ |@@@@| |####| |@@@@| |####| |@@@@| |####| \@@@@| |####/ \@@@| |###/ `@@|_____|##' (O) .-'''''-. .' * * * `. : * * : : ~ W A R ~ : : ~ H E R O ~ : : * * : `. * * * .' `-.....-' joan g stark May Each of you have a Very Safe and Blessed holiday. >Here Are Some Links For You: Why My Son? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/why.html Daily With The Troops http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/daily.html Daily With The Troops 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/daily2.html Humor With The Troops http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/humor.html Sleeping With The Troops http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sleep.html Bleed America http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/bleed.html Freedom Isn't Free http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/freedom.html Rolling Memorial http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/trucking.html Where Was God? http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/where.html USA & Troops Animated Graphics http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_u-z.html *~* PLEASE Be sure to check out and pass on these pages! ================================================================== >-->From The FunnyBone: How Do YOU Eat An Oreo Cookie? _.:::::._ .:::'_|_':::. /::' --|-- '::\ Psychologists have discovered that the manner |:" .---"---. ':| in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great |: ( O R E O ) :| insight into their personalities. Choose which |:: `-------' ::| method best describes your favorite method of \:::.......:::/ eating Oreo's: jgs':::::::::::' `'"""'` 1. The whole thing all at once. 2. One bite at a time 3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards. 4. In little feverish nibbles. 5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...). 6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. 10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo. Your Personality: 1. The whole thing... This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 2. One bite at a time... You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal. 3. Slow and Methodical... You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit. 4. Feverish Nibbles... Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked... Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then the cookie... You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. 7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then toss the cookie... You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside... You enjoy pain. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them... Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help immediately. 10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies... You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. ======================================================================= >-->From BizarreNews: Testing... ____ .-'& '-. / \ : o o ; ( (_ ) Can YOU Answer These? : ; \ __ / `-._____.-' /`"""`\ / , \ /|/\/\/\ _\ (_|/\/\/\\__) |_______| __)_ |_ (__ jgs (_____|_____) Have you seen the new show called "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" I was reading about it online and looked up a sample quiz to annoy you with. I listed the answers for you below. 1. What is the fastest bird on foot? A. Flamingo B. Penguin C. Emu D. Ostrich E. Turkey 2. What planet is closest to the sun? A. Venus B. Earth C. Mercury D. Mars E. Jupiter 3. Which of the following is NOT one of the Great Lakes? A. Alberta B. Huron C. Michigan D. Ontario E. Superior 4. A heptagon is a shape with how many sides? A. 4 B. 6 C. 7 D. 8 E. 9 5. How long is one regular term for a U.S. Representative? A. 1 year B. 2 years C. 3 years D. 4 years E. 6 years 6. What is the compound word in this sentence? -- The bus driver took an alternate route to the airport. A. Driver B. Alternate C. Route D. Airport 7. Which of the following states is NOT on the Gulf of Mexico? A. Georgia B. Texas C. Florida D. Alabama E. Louisiana 8. What is the lowest prime number? A. 0 B. 1 C. 2 D. 3 E. 5 9. On what continent is the chimpanzee's natural habitat? A. South America B. Asia C. Africa D. Australia 10. What is the largest South American country by area? A. Argentina B. Brazil C. Chile D. Mexico E. Peru 11. Which one of the following states is NOT part of the Four Corners? A. New Mexico B. Utah C. Colorado D. Nevada E. Arizona 12. Who was the first person to step foot on the moon? A. Neil Armstrong B. Edwin 'Buzz' Aldrin C. John Glenn D. Sally Ride E. Alan Shepard Bizarrely, Lewis P.S. I got a 79 percent. ---- ...ANSWERS Later On After The 'Worldly News' :) ================================================================ >-->From CleanLaffs: Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore." "Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion." -<>- .-""""- F .-' F J I I L `. L `-._, `-.__.-' ## ### # #### _____ ## .---#####-...__ .--' `-### .--..-' ###### ""`---.. _____.----. ###`.._____ .' ####### a:f ### / -. ####### _.--- ### .( ####### # : `--... ###### # `. ``. ###### : :. ##### .' ) ### .' / ## _.' | .## ,:' | ' .' < On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?" "I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity." -<>- I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks. I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex- claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?" "The dog did it," I wearily replied. A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer." -<>- When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I couldn't please any of them. -<>- After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart- ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?" "No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date." After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday." -<>- >See If You Can Find the Blooper... `_-@@@-_ Please |, _ - - - ~-_--; Repeat |~ = . _ . = | That Word... | | ( ) - -__\ _ /,_-- -_ _-~ .-'--`-_ ~/ . | | |~| |____(,,) /________\ |_|__| _~__~___\ [Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if you can catch the goofs.] 1. "...an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost courteousness for medical reasons." (Trenton, N.J.) 2. "[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in the throws of a roster overhaul." (Vernon, Conn.) 3. "'It's pretty exciting,' according to his material grand- mother." (Potsdam, N.Y.) 4. "The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought home nine metals." Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.) 5. "McNabb...exasperated the injury attempting to chase down Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams." (Trenton, N.J.) 6. "Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and Temperament." (e-mail) 7. "[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine withdrawls." Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.) 8. "Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and tempting deserts." Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair, Pa.) 9. "Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot." (San Jose, Calif.) 10. "...those who acquaint shopping with charity." (Simsbury, Conn.) --- ...Blooper Correction Answers After 'BizarreNews ANSWERS' :) ============================================================ >-->From InpsiredBuffalo: >A question for you... ,--.,-"";-"-. .-;-/ / / .- `\ .-. ` ( ' ' ` ; `\/ \ \ / \ Why did Jesus fold the / (. C . ) | .-. | | _ / (` / | \ /}| | )(\ | linen burial `-> (____.| / ||| / \=====| | |\| | |====| \ _/ ` cloth after \__/=====| |` `-'======| \ |=======/ | His resurrection? |=======| | .--, ########\ |/ / jgs |_|__|| ` `--. ,---;-'--'\ `--. `---`-------'-.___,___.---' The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded and was placed at the head of that stony coffin. Early Sunday morning,while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!' Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus head was folded up and lying to the side. Is that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes! --- ...ANSWER WHY After CleanLaffs Blooper Test Answers later on :) ================================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From Grassfire: A Gathering Storm "The term Maverick simply means McCain is no more a conservative than George Bush and that real conservatives therefore cannot trust McCain. Traditional conservatives evaluate questions and solutions based on the founding documents to see if they fit within the limits of government power and/or if they impose on individual liberty that springs from our Constitution." http://www.grassfire.net/r.asp?U=7365&RID=12948031 -<>- >From AFA: Our friends and allies at CCV informed us that last week several hundred homosexual activists converged on the Statehouse in Columbus for their annual Homosexual Lobby Day. This year their Lobby Day had a singular focus: promotion of a radical bill referred to by the misnomer, "Equal Housing and Employment Act." Visit here for details... http://capwiz.com/afanet/issues/alert/?alertid=11396921 Thank you for caring enough to get involved Sincerely, Don Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman American Family Association --- ...Pretty Sad when you can't have who you want working for you in your own church and community! The government thinks it has to poke it's nose in there to make you do what it wants! It needs to butt out! -<>- >From AARP: Tell Your Senators to Keep Medicare Fair In a matter of days, we’ll know whether the Senate is going to consider raising Medicare premiums or not. Full Details Here: http://tinyurl.com/5vnvdh -<>- >From LifeScript: >Are Sugar Substitutes Making You Fat? Americans love sweets, downing the equivalent of 20 teaspoons of sugar every day, mostly in sugary sodas. Since sugar adds heft to our hips, many of us choose sugar substitutes instead. But do they really help keep the weight off? Find out now. Plus, test your sugar IQ with our quiz… http://www.lifescript.com/HA/51341_4238409_11750_0.htm >Secrets of Spring Cooking As spring chases the cold of winter away, rich, heavy dishes take a backseat to fresh, clean flavors. And yet, you don’t want to eat a salad every day. LifeScript asked acclaimed chef Josiah Citrin, of Michelin-starred restaurant Mélisse in Los Angeles, for his foolproof tips on preparing favorite spring and summer dishes. Plus, he shares two special-occasion recipes that make the most of seasonal ingredients… http://www.lifescript.com/HA/50394_4238409_11509_0.htm -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: . ,. T."-._..---.._,-"/| l|"-. _.v._ (" | [l /.'_ \; _~"-.`-t Y " _(o} _{o)._ ^.| j T ,--. T ] \ l ( /-^-\ ) ! ! \. \. "~" ./ /c-..,__ ^r- .._ .- .-" `- . ~"--. > \. \ ] ^. \ 3 . "> . Y -Row ,.__.--._ _j \ ~ . ; | ( ~"-._~"^._\ ^. ^._ I . l "-._ ___ ~"-,_7 .Z-._ 7" Y ; \ _ /" "~-(r r _/_--._~-/ / /,.--^-._ / Y "-._ '"~~~>-._~]>--^---./____,.^~ ^.^ ! ~--._ ' Y---. \./ ~~--._ l_ ) \ ~-._~~~---._,____..--- \ ~----"~ \ \ Meowing kittens alert humans to fire Residents of a Jacksonville, Fla., boarding house gutted by an early morning fire credit two kittens with saving their lives. Lisa Kimmerle said the kittens were meowing so loudly they woke her up early Tuesday, WJXT-TV reported. Then she heard popping noises and realized something was wrong. By the time she was out of bed, flames were shooting up the stairwell. She and other second-floor residents were able to get onto the roof, and a neighbor helped them to the ground. No one was injured in the fire, which gutted the building. "God woke the kittens up, and the kittens woke us up," Kimmerle said. Both kittens survived, although one disappeared for several hours after the fire. Han Solo and Princess Leia get hitched A British couple obsessed with "Star Wars" said they decided to tie the knot dressed as Han Solo and Princess Leia as an homage to the epic saga. Not only did groom Bramwell Brightey, 33, and bride Tamsyn Lofts, 29, attend the matrimonial event decked out in "Star Wars" duds, some of their guests jumped on board as well, sporting Chewbacca, Obi Wan Kenobi and Stormtroopers costumes, The Sun reported. "We didn't want a traditional wedding, I get bored sitting in churches and listening to hymns and readings, so it would've been a bit hypocritical of us to have it in a church as we're not big church-goers," Brightey said. The Epsom, England, newlyweds said they even decided to model their cake after Yoda and replace the traditional first dance with a lightsaber battle. -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Farmer: Vandals spray-painted goats ------------ CLEARFIELD, Pa. - A Clearfield County, Pa., farmer said vandals snuck onto his property under cover of night and spray-painted obscenities on three of his goats. Evan Bellin said the crime, which took place during the weekend, could set him back hundreds of dollars as the goats' wool is used to make cashmere and the paint could take months to grow out, WPXI-TV, Pittsburgh, reported Thursday. "It's really bad to think they would do that to innocent animals. I mean if they have a problem with me, to come to me. I mean, I have all of my vehicles up here and they didn't touch anything," Bellin said. He said he plans to keep the goats closer to his house for the foreseeable future. -- Man puts wife for sale on eBay ------------- LONDON - A British man who said he believed his wife was cheating is under investigation for harassment after he put her up for sale on eBay. Paul Osborn, 44, said he had heard rumors that his wife of 24 years, Sharon, was having an affair with a man at work, The Sun reported Thursday. "I started checking her emails and I realized the rumors were true," he said. "They had been discussing their sex life together and making plans for the future. I was absolutely destroyed. I gathered all her stuff in bags and dumped it in the drive." Osborn told The Sun he initially agreed to take his wife back but decided more drastic measures were needed after he again became suspicious. He created an eBay auction offering his "cheating, lying, adulterous slag of a wife" to the highest bidder. Bids reached more than $1 million. Sharon Osborn denies cheating on her husband and has filed a police complaint against him for harassment, the newspaper report said. ================================================================ >-->From BizarreNews: ANSWERS... +---------------- 5th Grader Quiz Answers -----------------+ 1. What is the fastest bird on foot? Answer: Ostrich 2. What planet is closest to the sun? Answer: Mercury 3. Which of the following is NOT one of the Great Lakes? Answer: Alberta 4. A heptagon is a shape with how many sides? Answer: 7 5. How long is one regular term for a U.S. Representative? Answer: 2 years 6. What is the compound word in this sentence? -- The bus driver took an alternate route to the airport. Answer: Airport 7. Which of the following states is NOT on the Gulf of Mexico? Answer: Georgia 8. What is the lowest prime number? Answer: 2 9. On what continent is the chimpanzee's natural habitat? Answer: Africa 10. What is the largest South American country by area? Answer: Brazil 11. Which one of the following states is NOT part of the Four Corners? Answer: Nevada 12. Who was the first person to step foot on the moon? Answer: Neil Armstrong =============================================================== >-->CleanLaffs Blooper Correction Answers: Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals 5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate 10. equate =============================================================== >-->InspiredBuffalo Answer Why Hwer is Why Jesus 'Folding the Napkin' Important? In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table until the master was finished. Now if the master was done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers and mouth with that napkin and toss it on to the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, 'I'm done.' But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant knew that the folded napkin meant, 'I'm not finished yet.' The folded napkin meant, 'I 'm coming back!' IF YOU BELEIVE HE IS COMING BACK - PASS IT ON, I DID! To Subscribe Send a blank email to the-inspired-buffalo-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ---- ...Although there is no known Jewish custom of this practice, http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/f/folded-napkin.htm this does make for an interesting poser! For Customs of People during biblical times Visit These Teachings: ORIENTALISMS OF THE BIBLE ** Part 1 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/orientalisms1.html ORIENTALISMS OF THE BIBLE ** Part 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/orientalisms2.html ORIENTALISMS OF THE BIBLE ** Part 3 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/orientalisms3.html ================================================================= >-->From ScreamOfTheCriop: Sorry I got behind in sending the Scream. I live in Palm Bay, Florida—a place you may have seen on the news this past week. We had eighteen fires set; three arsonists caught; four fires still burning but mostly contained. I am five miles from the closest, but was concerned about wind shift and other nuts starting more. I didn’t have to evacuate and am safe. It’s very dry here. Stay safe, everyone. Shara --- ...Keep Shara and Florida in your prayers, please. -<>- I am not a crook! \ \ , | , \ / ,,_--_, \./ ,// _ _\ \./ ;;\ // x x /;;; \ \ | _\ / / \ \ \ o / / / \ `-'\__/-' / \ \/ / | /\ | | |//|| | \/ | .--'-----'-----. /| | / | | | | ,d888b, | | | J8888888L | :F_P: | | 888888888 | >Political One Liners They are dirty Politicians and diapers should be changed for the same reason. They are dirty. Doing Nothing If there is one eternal truth in politics, it is that there are always a dozen good reasons for doing nothing. It’s Tough Being A Politician. Half your reputation is ruined by lies, the other half is ruined by the truth. iv­ing Under Laws They Have Passed The reason legislators try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a liv­ing under laws they have passed. Get Round Them A politician spends half the time in making laws, and the other half he spends his friends telling them how to get round them. Support Of Paul A government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul When He Needs You A politician will always be there when he needs you. Last Resort Politics is the last resort of Scoundrels. Flush It And Forget It The electorate is like excreta, after you are finished with it you flush it and forget it. Trouble Politicians sometimes are constipated and that is when the trouble starts. Promises A Politician promises to build a bridge where there is no River. -<>- >Where do pets come from? )..( (.o) `.( ) |||| ptr "`'" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. / ) (\__/) ( ( ) ( ) ) ={ }= / / ) `-------/ / ( / \ | ,'\ , ,' `-'\ ,---\ | \ _) ) `. \ / (__/ ) ) hjw (_/ And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other. To subscribe, send a blank email to scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ================================================================= >-->From TheJokester: Q: how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? A: one, but first she'll have it give a detailed description of its childhood, and tell her the first thought comes to mind when it hears the words: monkeyblabingoogleplex, and antidisestablishmentarniasm. Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a lightbulb? A: none---change must come from within. -<>- .-. ( ( __ __ '-` ___/ _\.-./_ \ ////|//(@ @) \| //////// \./ | (_) |( _ ) ldb____|______|.m_m_______________________________________ >How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. Rottweiler: Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeez, dahling, I have servants for that kind of thing. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeaze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Beagle: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb? Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb, and the lamp, and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and... Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light? -<>- Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask me? -<>- How Many Members Of Each Astrological Sign Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? .-. .-. (_ \ / _) Aries- The Ram | | Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it? . . '.___.' Taurus- The Bull .' `. : : : : `.___.' Taurus: One, but just TRY to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away. ._____. | | Gemini- The Twins | | _|_|_ Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done. .--. / _`. Cancer- The Crab (_) ( ) '. / `--' Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process. .--. ( ) Leo- The Lion (_) / (_, Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. _ ' `:--.--. | | |_ Virgo- The Virgin | | | ) | | |/ (J Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of ± 1 millionth. __ ___.' '.___ Libra- The Balance ____________ Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Ummm,is that OK with you? _ ' `:--.--. | | | Scorpius- The Scorpion | | | | | | .., `---': Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. ... .': Sagittarius- The Archer .' `..' .'`. Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned- out lightbulb? _ \ /_) Capricorn- The Goat \ /`. \ / ; \/ __.' Capricorn: I won't waste my time with these childish jokes. .-"-._.-"-._.- Aquarius- The Water Bearer .-"-._.-"-._.- Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.. `-. .-' Pisces- The Fishes : : --:--:-- : : .-' `-. Pisces: Lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? What lightbulb? ================================================================ >-->Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark 1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" 3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you." 5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" 6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." 7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." 9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!" 10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." 11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." 12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine." 13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! 14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise." 15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." 16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." 17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." 18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" 19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." 20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep." 21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas) ============================================================= >-->From SermondFodder: THERE ARE NO "SMALL" ACTS OF KINDNESS ~ZIGGY~ ___---___ .-- --. ./ \. / o \ / .. o | | ;` '. | | : : | | `._ _.' | | ``--.-' .- |. .| _.'| | : : \ `--'--' / : : \ / : : `\ /' : : `--___ ___--' : : --- _.' `-._ ~~/ \____...-' `\ :_. `----./ / |`` . ._: :_:_:_: |__ ~~~ _.-`._:._:-' /``````---``` \ / | \jgs ____/ | \___ __.--'' | ```---..__ `\ _| _.' `\ _.-'' `-._ _.' `\ .-' `-._ _.' `\ .' `-._.' `' Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum Since I founded DoOneNiceThing.com, many people write to me about nice things they do for others or are done for them. I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a "small" act of kindness. Some actions might be less dramatic than others, but each one has the potential to make a big impact on someone. We never know: * A man in Missouri told me that his 10-year-old daughter had the idea to give some of her books to a little friend who loved to read but had no books. The father readily agreed to help his daughter assemble some books to give away. But he said she must not give the books to the girl at school. Instead, he dropped them off on the doorstep of the classmate's home to avoid embarrassing her or her family. Is giving away a few used books a small thing? Not to a poor student who is hungry to read, and not to a father who is proud of his young daughter's desire to help others. * A fellow in Wyoming called me about a nice thing that his friend did: They carpool together in a truck, and on their way to and from work each day, the men noticed another man walking down a long road - everyday. One day the friend put his old but decent bicycle in the back of the truck, and when they saw the man walking, the friend jumped out and gave him the bicycle. The man was surprised and very grateful. Is giving away an old bike a small thing? Not to a person who can now save hours and avoid pain by riding instead of walking. And not to the giver's friend who is inspired by his friend's kindness. * A woman in New York told me that she buys a sandwich for lunch almost everyday. When she does, she eats half and asks the waiter to wrap up the other half and put it into a bag. When she leaves the restaurant she finds a homeless person to give the leftover sandwich to. Is giving away a leftover sandwich a small thing? Not to a person who is starving. * A man I know takes a walk every morning in his California neighborhood, and when he does he carries a package of cookies with him. He hands a cookie to anyone he sees - neighbors, gardeners, repair crews, delivery people - and wishes them a heart-felt "Good morning!" When they see him they call out, "Cookie Man!" and wave and smile. Is giving someone a cookie and a smile small thing? Not to the recipient who is filled with joy by a simple act of generosity. * A marathon runner wrote to me to praise the people who help her train. She is blind, and sighted runners allow themselves to be tethered to her by a loose rope so she can follow the course. She said she has never had a problem finding another runner to help her - someone always offers, and she is deeply grateful to them. Is wearing a loose rope around your waist a small thing? Not to a woman who can now fulfill her dream of competing alongside others. Every act of kindness matters, no matter how small it might seem to us. Kind Words is a free weekly e-mail distributed by Partners In Kindness. Although the content of this e-mail contains copyrighted material, Partners in Kindness allows users who register at our website to reprint them in print, on a website, or on an e-mail distribution list at no cost. If you have permission to reprint this e-mail, please ensure that you reprint the entire e-mail (including this notice). Kindness is like music, art, sports or any other discipline -- it can only be mastered with practice, training, and lots and lots of encouragement. That is what PartnersInKindness.org is trying to promote. For further information, please visit our Website http://www.PartnersInKindness.org e-mail: info@PartnersInKindness.org To Subscribe send an e-mail to: Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ================================================================ >-->FUN Places To Net Visit: >From TheMouth: WACKY USES http://www.wackyuses.com/uses.html WRITERS & ARTISTS SNACKING AT WORK http://snacks.cyberpunks.org/snacks.html NOTES FROM THE ROAD http://www.notesfromtheroad.com/index.html -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: What American accent do you have? http://www.gotoquiz.com/what_american_accent_do_you_have There's Going To Be A Party http://www.loratrue2000.com/poems/aparty.htm Candlelite Dreams Index http://www.candlelitedreams.com/index.html Judy w/A Solider's Wife http://frommyheart2u.com/patriotic/asoldierswife Numbers In Scripture 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/BibleStudy/numberinscripture2.html Odd Penguin Out http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2008/01/04/1198950073943.html Ohio Indians http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/ohioindians.html Home Security http://www.buffalosjokes.com/60531.htm Tantrum http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1180605.htm Amazing Child http://www.buffalosjokes.com/1180606.htm Alarm http://www.buffalosjokes.com/011156.htm Cool Parrot http://www.buffalosjokes.com/011157.htm Animal Thieves http://www.buffalosjokes.com/011157.htm ======================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "San Antonio is the city I want to go to. Home of the Alamo. Davy Crockett wore a dead animal on his head. Like Donald Trump." - Craig Ferguson "In Wisconsin, a driver took a wrong turn and crashed into the bathroom at a Taco Bell. The Taco Bell's owner is calling it the second worst bathroom accident that day." - Conan O'Brien "An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford university and living in their dorms, even though she was not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student for four years!" -Jay Leno "The other day a man in London dressed as Darth Vader got drunk and assaulted two men dressed as Jedi knights. He was sentenced to two months in jail and 10 more years living in his parents' basement." -Conan O'Brien "Jenna Bush got married over the weekend. It was so lovely. At the reception, President Bush got to dance with his lovely daughter. It was the first time he's led in eight years." - David Letterman "Tomorrow is the West Virginia primary. Many political experts are expecting a record turnout. West Virginia voters said they're being lured by the excitement of the campaign, the closeness of the race, and the promise of free squirrel meat." - Conan O'Brien "Today President Bush is in Israel. He's looking for knishes of mass destruction." -David Letterman "It's a great day for 'Star Wars' fans. You know, those middle-aged guys who have never taken their wookie out of the box." -Craig Ferguson "Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known." --Garrison Keillor "Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment." --Ira Gassen "Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it." --Mark Twain "If we spread the gospel, Jesus will spread the salvation." -- Juha Raih ---> Visit my CyberHome - ALWAYS OPEN HOUSSE :)Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/index.html Shangrala ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & SService You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ************************************************************************ -->This is for all you who love food and DDARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR Send a BLANK email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************