Here A Tip - There A Tip ... :) Shangy! >-->In The 'Shangy' News :) Well, February is officially done and with it all of last months hot pages are turning cold. If you didn't check them out, here they are for you again. Be sure to visit them and PLEASE Pass Them On! _ _ (,\- )_ /` b `-D What Is Love 1 | ,__/ http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wlove1.html \,_____,' / \ What Is Love 2 /_|--|___|\ http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wlove2.html / \ \ |\_) / _'-' / What Is Love 3 | / \ / http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wlove3.html \| |` \__ | /_\ ) jgs (____)'--' Best Friends http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/bestfriends.html What Friends Are For http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/whatfriends.html The Real Eagle Story http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/eagle.html Top Reasons To Smile http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/smile.html War Pics: Daily With The Troops 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/daily2.html Cats and Birds Together http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catsandbirds.html Giant Panda Bear http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/pandabear.html WOW - We had a Busy Month Huh? Thanks And HUGS to all who Shared these with us! -<>- >HOT off The 'Shangy' Press! VCARS list of fast cars intrigued me so I just had to do up a page. It reminded me of our dear departed friend Steve Grant. He loved cars and I am sure he would of loved this page! It is full of the world's finest fast production cars! __ / \ __ .---. _ / / _.~ \ \ `. / \ / /.-~ __/ `\ \ | | |/ .-~ __ \ \ | | | .'--~~ \ \ \ | | ` ' _______/ \ \ | ` / .--. \ \ | ` / \ `.\ \ \ / `\ \ \ `\ ( \ \ \ > ,-.-. BEEP --- BEEP \ `. \ / | \ \ \ . \ /___| O |O\ , .-. \ ; | /` `^-.\.-'`--'/ \ `; | | / `\ \ | `. `--..____,' \ `. | `._ _.-'^ \ . / `|`|` .-.\ / | | \ `\ / | | `\ ` | | | \ | | | .-. | | | \ `. \ | | `\ \ | | \ \ | | \_____ :-'~~~~~'-' ; /____;``-. : <____( `. ; \___\ ; .' /``--'~___.-' /\___/^/__/ / /' /`/' \ \ `\ \ `\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ ______ \ \ ___\ \'~``______)> jgs \ \___ _______ __)> _____\ \'~``______)> <(_______.._______)> World's Fastest Cars: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fastcars.html ~*~ As Always, Please Pass These Around. THANK YOU! ~*~ =============================================================== >-->From FunnyBone: .--. .-========-. Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler | === [__] | | [__][__] | | o ==== | Old telephone books make ideal personal address | LILILILI | books. Simply cross out the names and addresses | LILILILI | of people you don't know. | LILILILI | | LILILILI | Fool other drivers into thinking you have an | __ __ | expensive car phone by holding an old TV or | [__][__] | video remote control up to your ear and | [__][][] | occasionally swerving across the road | [__] == | and mounting the curb. jgs | OOO | '-========-' Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in ,-"""""""-, masking tape and remove the dirt by ; '-----' ;-. , simply peeling it off. |`"""""""`|_ '.__.-'| '._______.' '._ _.-' Apply red nail polish to your nails `` before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). ___ ___ / _ \ _.-'_.' If a person is choking on an ice \____`-.____.-'_.-' cube, don't panic. Simply pour a `-. _.\.-' jug of boiling water down their ____.-'`__/-._ throat and presto! The blockage / _ .-'` '-._`-._ is almost instantly removed. \___/ '-._'-. jgs `"` Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. ==================================================================== +------------------- Bizarre Holiday ---------------------+ MARCH March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day March 2 is Old Stuff Day March 3 is I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National Anthem Day March 4 is Holy Experiment Day March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day March 6 is National Frozen Food Day March 7 is National Crown Roast Of Pork Day March 8 is Be Nasty Day For the rest of the list, go to: Bizarre News.com ============================================================== >-->8 Simple |\ _, \_|/ | Rules .' `\/ For _o o` | Dieting ()` ; __ `--' / \_`\ `.___/ \ \ /=====\ \ |=====/`\ `|=====| | |=====| | |=====\_\ \======/ /`--/^`\ jgs \ |\ | (___(___) ,===, ,, ,==, ,, ,===,,====, ||__))||// __ || ||__ || || ||\\ |||| || || '' '' '===''===''===' '' Copyright 2006 W. Bruce Cameron — Please do not remove the copyright from this essay. With every new pronouncement made by nutrition experts, it is becoming more and more difficult for Americans to obtain a simple, clear answer to what is, for most of us, the key question about our diets: “How can I avoid exercise and eat lots of fatty foods and yet still have the body of a fashion model?” For men, of course, there is some flexibility—they don’t necessarily want to look like fashion models, they just want to date fashion models. But women are bombarded with sexy images of female bodies from all directions, making it sound as if every product manufactured in the world can be enjoyed only if you are made of two-percent body fat. Grimly, women face the mirror and pledge that they will deny themselves nearly all food but not chocolate. They will eat no desserts unless it is someone’s birthday or something, and they will order nothing off a menu unless it contains the words “Chicken Caesar.” On the other hand, most male weight-loss plans consist of lying to their wives about what they really had for lunch. But studies have shown that (a) many, if not most, American men need to go on a diet, and (b) men don’t care about (a). Men reason that since it is easier for them to lose weight than it is for women, they don’t need to bother with it. To aid dieters of all known genders, I’ve researched the current data on weight loss and condensed it here, in a handy, eight-point guide. Rule # 1: Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are in the presence of a cheese cake. Rule # 2: There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful—so perhaps experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around hungry all the time, so you’re in luck. Rule # 3: Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs. Rule # 4: Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on foot, even to the drive-thru windows. We were scavengers then, feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood and then steal and eat whatever they pull out of the trash cans. You’ll lose weight! Rule # 5: Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty logical to me. Rule # 6: Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical things like using the television remote. To lose weight, consider alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power. (Remember those beanie caps with the propellers on top?) Rule # 7: My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too, though I don’t want to be the first one on my block to try it. Rule # 8: Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with enough food the first time around. The goal here is to get to the point where you feel good about your body whenever you see your reflection. But nothing will work if you don’t have the courage and resolve to stick to a diet. Or, barring that, to get rid of your mirrors. Write to Bruce. http://www.wbrucecameron.com/email_bruce.htm ======================================================================== >-->Top 'NOT' Tigger Tips... .---._ _.-'"""'-._ _.---. :.---._`.: .- -. ;.'_.---.; : ' `.': .`.' ` ; `....-':'::. 0 0 .' :;`-....' :.:'_:---:_`::; .--._ `:_( )_:' _.--. .----. ``-.' \ / `.-'' .----. : : .---'': `-.-' :--''''-. : : ___: :____.--''`. : .'``--._____: :_____ : :_.'| ' | `''"'|"'' | ` `._; : ____`-'____|_______|_______|_______|_______|___`-'______ | | | | | | | ______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|___ | | | | | | | _|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|________ jgs | | | | | | | ____|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_____ A few top tips for getting people's blood pressure up. ***Girls: the next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't do it, because you can't and it looks very silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style and no one will laugh at you or get hurt. ***Obtain the effect of St. Pat's Day Green Beer revelling this year, without the expense, by staying in and watching tv. Then wash your teeth in turpentine, drink a glass of washing up liquid and hit your head against the wall a few times before going to sleep. ***Dog owners: next time your dog does a 'soft one' on the beach, annoy metal detector owners by dropping nuts and bolts into it and covering it with sand. ====================================================================== >-->BUSINESS QUOTES: .----. _.'__ `. .--(#)(##)---/#\ 'NOT' TIPS FOR: .' @ /###\ Staying COOL On The Job! : , ##### `-..__.-' _.-\###/ jgs `;_: `"' .'"""""`. /, JOE ,\ // COOL! \\ `-._______.-' ___`. | .'___ (______|______) Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost) A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks) Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle) The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum) Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away! I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson) Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time! Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ============================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: , ; , .-'"""'-. , ; , \\|/ .' '. \|// \-;-/ () () \-;-/ // ; ; \\ //__; :. .; ;__\\ `-----\'.'-.....-'.'/-----' '.'.-.-,_.'.' jgs '( (..-' '-' >Biz Tips: "If the circus is coming to town and you paint a sign saying "Circus Coming to the Fairground Saturday," that's advertising. If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and walk it into town, that's promotion. If the elephant walks through the mayor's flower bed, that's publicity. And if you get the mayor to laugh about it, that's public relations. If the town's citizens go the circus, you show them the many entertainment booths, explain how much fun they'll have spending money at the booths, answer their questions and ultimately, they spend a lot at the circus, that's sales." -- Unknown -<>- >Exercise Tip: The woman needed encouragement to keep pedaling the exercise bike in her gym. So my friend, the gym manager, said, "Close your eyes and imagine you're riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting." Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped. "What's wrong?" asked my friend." "The traffic light's red," she replied. -<>- >Healthy Tip: A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn't lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" "No," I replied, "I've got a cold and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well." "You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often." -<>- As Long As Women Have Curves Men Will Always Have Angles -<>- Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles, Please no bags And please lift my butt before it sags. Please no age spots, Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done. AMEN! To subscribe, send a blank email to scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@yahoogroups.com =================================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: >From FireSociety: + + Steve Elliott's Thoughts on the Campaign This week, Steve Elliott's daily briefings have delved into Hillary Clinton's slipping poll numbers, Chertoff's bogus "virtual" fence and more. Go here to catch up: http://www.firesociety.com/blog/100/ElliottBlog/?src=111 + + There’s much more on FireSociety this week. Be sure to take a minute to "go home" and see the latest: http://www.firesociety.com Together, we can build the best grassroots community on the web! Sean Ivy, Editor FireSociety.com -<>- >From CoffeeBreak: Family captures suspected mailbox vandals Police in Hatley, Wis., said they arrested three vandals after family members who witnessed the suspects damaging their mailbox hunted them down. Greg Fisher, 49, his son, Dustin, 18, and his wife, Kim, 47, said they pulled an all-night stakeout Saturday after their mailbox was damaged for the fourth time in two weeks, the Wausau (Wis.) Daily Herald reported Wednesday. Fisher said his family saw the occupants of a truck smash the mailbox between 2 and 3 a.m. Sunday and Dustin pursued the vehicle in his car. However, he was only able to obtain a partial license plate number before the truck sped off at speeds approaching 100 miles per hour. The family contacted the Marathon County Sheriff's Department, but a deputy was unable to identify the vehicle with only the partial number. However, Kim and Dustin Fisher saw the truck hours later at a BP gas station and blocked the vehicle's means of exit until deputies could arrive at the scene. A police report said two 16-year-olds were held on juvenile charges and a 19-year-old was held on suspicion of criminal damage to property. Bagel prices top $1 in New York Bagel sellers in New York said rising costs of wheat and other materials have driven the price of a plain bagel in the city to $1 and more. Bakers said the price of wheat flour, which is currently at a record $12 a bushel, has contributed the most to the price hikes, the New York Post reported. Brooklyn's Coney Island Bagels, for example, currently sells plain products with no toppings for a full dollar, up from 60 cents last February. Meanwhile, at H&H Bagels on the city's Upper West Side, a plain bagel sells for $1.20. "We don't have any choice but to raise prices," said Shahim Islam, manager of Tal Bagels, where prices jumped this week from $1 to $1.20. "Some people will complain, but we'll just have to explain that flour has doubled and the cost of everything is going up." Sammy Abbis, manager of Pick-A-Bagel, which has managed to keep its prices just barely below the dollar mark at 95 cents said he has had to lay off a number of employees to prevent his prices from skyrocketing. "In the last year I've had to let four people go," he said. Dromedaries drop by campus loading dock Marshall University students may have been tempted to quip "One hump or two?" after seeing two camels on the Huntington, W.Va., campus. The ships of the desert milled around the loading dock of Smith Hall, a classroom building, as part of an international broadcasting class taught by Joanne Gula of the School of Journalism and Mass Communications, The Parthenon student newspaper reported Wednesday. "I thought it would help students realize there are other things around the world they'll need to discover," Gula said, explaining the animals' presence Tuesday was part of a class presentation. Mary Beth Hampton, a student in Gula's class, suggested the camels be part of her her presentation on other cultures. Her father, Jack Hampton, just happened to own two and transported them to campus, Gula said she didn't seek a permit or zoning exception for having the animals on campus. "I'm not considering it a visit," Gula said of the live visual aids. "I'm just calling it a pit stop." -<>- >From BizarreNews: -- Couple finds thousands in cash in fridge --------- JANESVILLE, Wis. - Janesville, Wis., police say a cash bundle discovered by a couple in their refrigerator -- an estimated $10,000 to $12,000 -- has not been linked to a crime. Police said the cash, which will not have an accurate total until the moldy bills are exchanged for new currency, will revert to the ownership of James and Colleen Mesler if the owner is not found by March 11, the Janesville (Wis.) Gazette reported. "The money has been determined to be 'found property' and subject to applicable state finder statutes. The money has been returned to the bank," police said in a statement. An investigation found the money was not stolen or tied to the drug trade, police said. However, the previous tenants of the apartment occupied by the Meslers are currently defendants in a cocaine-trafficking case. .-----. / '. ' .\ |_.__'_.|} (=(_)^(_)=) ;, > ,; ;;;~~~;;; ___.';;;;;'.__ /'`\ `\ /` /`'\ / | | | | \ jgs( | |\_/| | @~ ) | | | | | | | /| | | |\ | \ || | | || / ( || | | || ) | || |___| || | \ ||___|[_]|___O| / | | / \O| | -- Biker club foils Australian bar robbery ---------- SYDNEY - Two men who should have spent more time casing their target -- an Australian bar where a biker club was holding a meeting. One of the men ended up hog-tied after three members of the Southern Cross Cruiser Club ran him down outside the Regents Park Sporting Club in Sydney, The Sydney Morning Herald reported. Police found the other one near the bar Wednesday night. At least one of the men was armed. Jerry Jerry "Jester" van Cornewal, the club president, helped chase the first man. He said he thought the man was carrying a tire iron, but it proved on closer inspection to be a samurai sword. Van Cornewal described the pair as having "failed robber school." Noel "Bear" Mannix," founder of the biker club, said that the two realized quickly that they had picked the wrong target. "It was one of those stopped-time moments," he said. "It was very hard to see the expression on their faces because of the balaclavas, but I imagine it was something along lines of 'Oh (expletive), what have we done here?'" Both were charged with attempted robbery. -- Bump in a road breaks man's dentures ----------- ENGERDAL, Norway, - Roads is Norway are at an all-time maintenance low, says a 76-year-old man who says his dentures broke as he drove over a big bump. Eindride Edvang was on a road in Engerdal in Hedmark County when his dentures were knocked around in his mouth as he drove over a 4.7 inch bump, Aftenposten reported. "I've driven cars, trucks, a taxi and even been a driving instructor during the past 56 years, and I've never experienced poorer roads than this year," Edvang said. It is reported that a lack of highway maintenance has become a major concern of Norwegian citizens this year. "Now we just have to get better roads, so that we don't have to take out our dentures when we take a car trip," Edvang ranted. City officials promised to repair roads in the near future, the report said. ================================================================= >-->Simply Bad Life Tips \\///// |. .| ( _\ | I'll Tell Ya ALL Ya Need Ta Know | = | |\___/ ___/| \__ /` | '----' |`\ \\\\\\, / | | \ _/'' \\\ /~% | ; \ \ D / /\/ |`\ \ \_ / \ \ | | / / <\ />,_ `\ \| |/ /` / \Y/ /` \ `\; |/` || # | | (| |) || # | | |_________| || # | | | | | ||=[]=| | | | | || |__| |____|__| //| | /||\ \ | | | | | | ) ) | | | / | | ( ( | |___|__| | | | \===|==| | | | / `-.`-. [_[___] jgs \______)__) (_(____| Do you ever ask yourself why did I get out of bed today? Is this all there is to life? And where the hack I left my car keys? Don't despair; it's not too late to turn your life around! Well, unless you are really old (like 30); in that case I suggest alcohol. If you are still a useful member society (under 30), I gathered some life tips that without a doubt change your life in such a deep and profound way, you won't even notice! So with all that said and down, now it's time to seat down, lean back, open your mind, scratch your tummy, cluck like a chicken and read this pearls of wisdom: 1. Every morning smile to your mirror, but why stop there? Smile to your kitchen table, to your living room sofa and to your iron board. Beware, don't smile to your dishwasher it may take it as provocation. 2. Always put your smile on. People will assume you are a crazy person and won't mess with you. 3. Be kind to others, send me money. 4. Live every day like it is your last. Crawl into a corner and cry. 5. Live every day to the fullest. When going to the bathroom take a newspaper! 6. Drinking is not a solution, unless we are talking about alcohol. 7. Better to give, than to receive (true only in case of infections). 8. Clothes don't make the man, but being naked will get you arrested. 9. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, put all of then in the fridge they will last longer. 10. Remember everybody makes mistakes, and you will have the opportunity to laugh on them. 11. Always follow your dreams; just be sure to check that Pamela Anderson is also on board. 12. Give a man a fish and he might take it the wrong way... 13. Honesty is the best policy, at least that what Pamela always telling me. 14. Time is money. Stop reading stupid articles! Boaz Ben-Dov is really... something. Visit and be a part of his revolutionary funny website! Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Boaz_Ben_Dov ================================================================= >-->Excerpts from grade school students' papers: ________________________________ |.==============================,| || || || .----. , || || / >< \ / || || | |/\ || || \______//\/ || || _(____)/ / || ||__/ ,_ _ _/__________________|| '===\___\_) |====================' |______| | || | |__||__| jgs (__)(__) * The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. * A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. * (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. * The general direction of the Alps is straight up. * Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. * The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. * The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. * The parts of speech are lungs and air. * We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. * One of the main causes of dust is janitors. * A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. * One by-product of raising cattle is calves. * The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. * The climate is hottest next to the Creator. * The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. * The future of "I give" is "I take." * Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. * Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. * In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. ========================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: ,@@@@@@, ,@@@@@""@@, @@@@@ 6.6\@ I just read an article on @@@C _-_)@ '@@@) (@@' USA Today's _.-"""-. ." \ `". website / .-"---._ \ |_/ _ _ `\_| / | o o | \ which said, basically, \/ 7 \/ \ .___. / '._ _ _.' that today's teens jgs ) ( are a bunch of uncultured ignoramuses. The actual headline is 'Teens losing touch with common cultural and historical references.' .---. ."""-. // \ \ | .\\\ )' )_| \__/ -( \__ / \ _/ .-;___;-. .-;_(-. / \ / \ /-/| |\-\ /_/| |\_\ \ \| |/ / \ \|___|/ / \ \_____/ / )/\ /|\ /|\ |\\ | | | | | |_____| | | | | | | |_ | _| |-|-| | | | \ | / | | | jgs /-T-\ |__|__| (_/ \_) (_/ \_) Among 1,200 students surveyed: 43 percent knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and 1900. 52 percent could identify the theme of the book 1984. 51 percent knew that the controversy surrounding Senator Joseph McCarthy focused on communism. In all, students earned a C in history and an F in literature. It's hard to be too critical. I mean, how many people really ever use history, or literature? Anybody who has ever gotten a job because they knew the Civil War started in 1850 and ended in 1900 please write in and let us know! Laugh it up, Joe Email Joe -<>- Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age: Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k. Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway. Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price. Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online. T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show. The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there. The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism. Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files-- no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots. -<>- Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual physical going over a few fine points about his health with his doctor. The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high, you know Walter, you need to watch your diet and lose a little weight." "But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day." "Oh really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor. "Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have a snack around 3:00. Just today I had breakfast at 7:30, waited 2 hours, had a snack at 9:30 then I waited an hour and a half and ate lunch at 11:00, then I waited 45 minutes and had a snack before coming here" "And with this regiment you're losing weight?" asked the doctor. "Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!" -<>- I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery. "If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press one," the automated voice prompted me. "If you would like to confirm delivery, please press two." At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear- piercing shriek. "I'm sorry," the automated voice said, "that is not a valid response." I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked by, and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch. "You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I warned him. Just then the case burst open. He stared at me with something akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you do that?" -<>- While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sen- tence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants." -<>- Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank. One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money. Don refuses. "But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm not asking for much." "Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non- competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they're don't sell hot dogs, and I don't lend money." ============================================================= >-->From The Jokester: / .- |/,-'` _.-'''-._ _.;.--._.--.;._ .oOo0Oo./( O / \ O )\ ` _oOoOoO0o '-' '-' ; _//|||||||| (_) | / __)|||||| . . | | __)|||||| `-.___.-' | .-. _ | ___)|||||| \.-./ ; | | / | |~~\\|||||||\ `-` / __| |/ /_ | |`====;__'._ _.'__ (_ _) \ /\"""""/\ `\ `| .'` '----------.`-`\^/`-`. \ |~~| | /~\ |`\ \ | | | |\| | \ `y | jgs | |\| | \ / | |\| | '.__.' |___|\|___| |===\_/===| >10 Pints of Guinness A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." -<>- The Budweiser Scale Three guys were having a few beers at a bar and checking out the babes as they entered the bar. A cute blonde walked in. The first guy said, "I'd give her a 7. She's cute." The other two agreed. The bartender overheard their rating and said, dryly, "I'd give her a 3." "A 3? Man, you're harsh!" The guys figured the bartender just had lousy taste in women and returned to their sport. The next young lady scored a 9, but the bartender gave her a 5. "A 5? How can you give her a 5? She's gorgeous!" Then a stunning blonde walked in. Our three judges nod and say in unison, "10!" But the bartender added, "6." "A 6!? No way! What scale are you using?" The bartender said, "The Budweiser scale." "The Budweiser scale? What the hell is that?" The bartender explained, "That's the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her!" -<>- Beer Festival After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness resident replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." ============================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: >REAL LIFE Tips: _._ _._ //\\\ ///\\ |. . ) ( . .| \_=_/ \_-_/--' `\ /_) `\-| | \ You have it easily in your power /_| |_\| |_| \\___// |---|/ to increase the sum total of this | | | | | | | | | | | world's happiness now. |_|_| |_|_| jgs (__/__)(__\__) How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime. - Dale Carnegie ================================ >CAN I GET A WITNESS? God made us sisters, Hearts made us friends. .--. /`\| / .;;.;;;;. '-.""""-./;;;;;;;;;\ / / \ \;;;;;;;;;;| / | \;;-;;;;;/`\ .' / | \ '| \()| ;. __'._/ | \__.\ _/;;`--/ } / '.-'`"""`'-._ \;;;-'\.' \ __\'-.__-' /`-' _.' \ ;\-_- //`''-'-._.-' | __|_'---'`-..______,.____.../__ |_.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._| __| || || || || || || || || || || | |\ | || || || || || || || || || || | \\ | || || || || || || || || || || | |\\|_||_||_||_||_||_||_||_||_||_||_| ||\|.---..---.--.---.--..--.---..-.| || ||jgs \ / / | || | || || || || \/_ / _|==||==| || || || | |`\ ( `-| '-| || || \ _\_/ '.__/\__/ || I recall when I was a teenager, there was this very tough girl in town; a biker-type female who wore leather, swore like a sailor, loved to instigate fights, drink, do drugs, and generally, just scare off people with her hard as nails exterior. Admittedly, I was afraid of her because she had harassed and assaulted a friend of mine, and like everyone else, I had heard the stories of how this tough girl threatened this guy, or hit that gal. Several years later, I met this same young woman in a restaurant I was working at. She looked so different, I didn't immediately recognize her. It turns out she had become a Christian, and said it had made a wonderful change in her life. My mistake I made was that I wrongly assumed she could never be interested in spiritual matters because her rough personality. I never made that mistake again. I should have known better; understood that with God, all things are possible! As seen in Christian Voices TO SUBSCRIBE got to http://subscribe.christianvoices.org ===================================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Dr.Phil's Advice: Rules for Dating and More http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/313 -<>- >From Our Friend Pat: I love this!! lol lol teehee I hope this helps make your day!! Printer Problems: http://smileuk.blogspot.com/2008/02/dear-printer-repair-man.html --- ...Funny! Thanks Pat! -<>- >From TheMouth: 20 Questions: http://www.20q.net/index.html Rock and Roll Hall of Fame http://www.rockhall.com/ -<>- >From Linky & Dinky: USA! USA! USA! We're number one on this list (as long as you flip the list upside down first.) http://tinyurl.com/2ysmjk WITNESS STORIES FROM YOUR NEIGHBORS about things that go bump in the night. http://www.strangeusa.com/ BANKS THAT PAY the HIGHEST INTEREST RATES for CDs and money markets are actually the ones that NEED your money to stay solvent. http://www.bankrate.com/brm/safesound/ss_home.asp -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: An Irish Blessing http://www.epicureansdelight.stocktonet.com/An_Irish_Blessing.htm Get Human http://www.gethuman.com/ Camel Spiders http://www.exotic-pets.co.uk/camel-spider.html Foods That Flopped http://www.boomj.com/?page=articles/view&AID=13014 Habbo Hangout For Teens http://www.habbo.com/ Awww Animals http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animals.html Amphibians http://ctamp.homestead.com/ctamphibians.html American Mink http://nature.ca/NOTEBOOKS/ENGLISH/ammink.htm In God We Still Trust http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3214.htm I Think Dan Is Still Depressed http://www.buffalosjokes.com/3215.htm *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Toon Links Can't Approve http://www.buffaloschips.com/425005.htm Here! Telephone http://www.buffaloschips.com/425004.htm Here! Cabin Cruiser http://www.buffaloschips.com/425002.htm Here! If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================ >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner? 'American Idol.'" -Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She's getting pretty desperate. People are saying she has a new personality every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival." -David Letterman "I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those!'" --Laura Silverman "I have a Y chromosome that makes me ask, Why get married? But I wouldn't want to put down marriage as a whole - which it is." --Kevin Hench "I like hip-hop. I'm working with Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Herb Tea. I'm changing my name to Snapple." --Paul Mooney "Cold here today. So cold, that thing on Amy Winehouse's head? It mated it with that thing on Donald Trump's head." - David Letterman "During a press conference today, President Bush said the following: 'It's important we make the economy strong so families can put money on their tables.' Then Bush said Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts." - Conan O'Brien "Great day for Katie Holmes! Rumor has she is expecting again. She told a friend she expects to hear the pitter- patter of tiny feet. She may be just talking about Tom Cruise." - Craig Ferguson >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ----------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ----------------------------------------------------------- -->Bigham's Computer Rescue - PC Sales & Serrvice You can trust us to provide you with quality computer sales and repair. We've been servicing the Van Wert area since 1981 and can help you with all your computer needs. Please phone us at 419-238-5806 ****************************************************************** -->This is for all you who love food and DARRE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ****************************************************************** >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ******************************************************************