History Of Pilgrims, College And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! AND For Facebook Users: Please Friend Me / Like Me here... http://tinyurl.com/cma6all AND For Google Plus Users: You can find me here... Shangy Bigham https://plus.google.com/106648555948034085752/posts AND Please Share This email with All Your Friends And Family! ^~^ May God SUPER BLESS You As You Do! THANK YOU! :) -<>- * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ======================================================= >-->From SmileZilla: -="""--.._ ""--...._\ ,b:--....---. || //'""------"' _.l+----.// .&$""' .'"=.. '. / | | ) \ _.-'@_.' '@_/ | .' " \ -._,-'^"""^'-, `. ,\""---___ |.. _.--._, \ .-"(,_\_""" _.' ' _,-; '"` ` " """' """' | |__ ,+ |-.`o o'"/| #| oO Oo"./ (#| | "|_, | '|> \ / `l ,' |,-----||' pjy lj lJ o@o o@o " " The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas. -<>- One day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The older one says, "Just between you and me, I've been moonlighting lately as a medium." The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. "Really?" he says. "I didn't know that you were psychic!" "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not," confesses the older man. "But what I did was rent a storefront and bought a small round table, a crystal ball, and a turban. Then, when people come in, I throw my voice and they think that they're talking to their dead relatives." "What a great idea!" says the young ventriloquist. "You should try it too," suggests the first man. "You'll see, it works great." The next day, the young man goes out, rents a little storefront, and buys a table, a crystal ball, and a turban. He opens up for business, and an hour later a middle-aged woman walks in. She sits down at the table across from the ventriloquist and asks him, "Can you put me in touch with my long-lost husband?" "I sure can!" he answers. "Why, for just a hundred pounds, you can hear your husband speak to you from behind that curtain over there. Now I must warn you that his voice might sound a little different, but that's because he's talking to you from the spirit world." "That's wonderful," says the woman eagerly. "For a hundred and fifty pounds," the ventriloquist says, "you could have a two-way conversation with your husband, and talk back and forth with him." The woman's voice rises in anticipation as she asks, "You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear departed Hubert?" "Not only that," says the ventriloquist, getting just as excited as the woman, "but for two hundred pounds, you could actually carry on a two-way conversation with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water!" -<>- When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. -<>- Money... It can buy a house, but can't buy a home. It can buy a bed, but can't buy sleep. It can buy a clock, but can't buy time. It can buy a book, but can't buy knowledge. It can buy a position, but can't buy respect. It can buy medicine, but can't buy health. It can buy blood, but can't buy life. It can buy s%x, but can't buy love. As you can see, money isn't everything... And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you this because I am your friend and I want to take away your pain and suffering. So, please, send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash only, please! -<>- Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter." "Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!" ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ November 30 is Stay At Home Because You Are Well Day December 1 is Eat A Red Apple Day and World Aids Awareness Day December 2 is National Fritters Day December 3 is National Roof over Your Head Day December 4 is Santas' List Day and Wear Brown Shoes Day December 5 is Bathtub Party Day and Repeal Day December 6 is St. Nicholas Day, Mitten Tree Day, and Put on your own Shoes Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: `-.__.-*-. .-*+- .-*'\: `-._/ .' .' ; .-' `._ .' / `-. `. / .-' `+. `. .' / .'\ `-. ; / / `. ` \ | _.' : \ \ | `-.-'/ _ '|\ \ ; ; `. : / / / .' `./.: ; ,|;: | \ \ . .-' .' .-'/ ;|| ::| | `. ; ; : / / .-' .' / :: ' :\ ,: | ,*"*-:' / /.'.-*' .'; ', / ; ; \ :.-*"*. |'TP' .-'.'' / .-' , //.' : ' . : '.s$P`| ; / .' .'/ .' .' <_.' ` |/ : '\ T$P : |/_.-*" /.'.-' ___ \ ___ |/ db. `. | .-'_.-' ; .' s$$$$$s ; s$$$$$s ; d$$ `-.+-; .'.-'_.-*' d$b T$$$$$P T$$$$$P/.d$$$b , /.'.-'\ \ ;/ $$ """ : """ ` $$ TP / : .' \ /, d$$ ; $$b / |/ [bug] ,:-. \ .-*' ' |; \__;`. ,' . `. / :__/ : | ; ; : | : `._ _.' ; "*--*" ` ` ' \ \ .-*--*-. / \ ;*""**""*: / `. :`. .'; .' \ `.`""'.' / `. `""' .' `.__.' >Cold Night One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my parents' house. In the morning, a neighbor called to tell me that my water pipes had burst and flooded my town house and hers. I raced home and on the way got a speeding ticket. Then the furnace repairman arrived, found that the problem was just a fuse and told me he didn't think he had the proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak. When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. "I had the right one after all," he said triumphantly. "This must be your lucky day." -<>- >I Am Thankful..... ...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed. ...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends. ...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat. ...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine. ...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home. ...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech. ...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking. ...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear. ...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear. ...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive. ...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive. ...for getting too much email because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me. -<>- >History of Pilgrims (These are from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. Wording and spelling have not been changed.) PILGRAM INTERUPTERS The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different. The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the captain. First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They spent the winter there. Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor of Plymouth Rock. A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interupt. Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers freedom of goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving. The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national holiday all around the world. These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them. The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls wore funny bonets. -<>- >Antique Dealer A crafty old antique dealer is travelling through a rural area when he spots a priceless Chippendale cabinet in a junk shop. He knows he will make tens of thousands of dollars reselling it if he can persuade the shop owner that it's worthless. He offers the man twenty dollars, explaining that the only reason he's interested is that he needs some firewood and the wood should burn well. So the price is agreed and the dealer explains that he'll return the next day with his van to pick up the cabinet. The following morning, the dealer drives up and sees a pile of old wood sitting outside the shop. "What's that?" he says. "It's the cabinet," says the shop owner. "I felt so guilty charging twenty dollars for firewood that I've done you a favor and chopped it up for you." -<>- >TV Help A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn't come on. "I'm sorry, but we can't send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her. Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!" ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) _.-""""-. ( ': '. .___.' : : _.."----".._ .-" "-. ." ". .":.".. .' `. : '.' : :" "": : .-" .'""-: .-"""-. :": : : ". .' `. : " '-._ : : _:" : : "" : : : : _ : : : '. : : : `#. ' : : _:. : '. ' `#. : grp : '._ .' : . ." .-" :"-._ _.-" (_. '. ""------"" (_.: . : '.:`-' .::"- .:::::. .':::::::: ' `::::' " >SMILES A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than your SAS." "I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer. "They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this." The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts, "SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off." "SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to the top and without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives, but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery." "Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF." The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, GO F YOURSELF, Sir." The Officer turns around to the American and says, "You see? Now THAT'S bravery." -------- A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong"? The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church". The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us". -------- Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in." A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit. "Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit." She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?" -------- Dad's a 'safety-first' kind of guy. But while vacationing with some buddies, he was talked into going parasailing. He was on the back of the boat, getting hooked into the parachute, when he nervously asked the pilot, "How often do you replace the rope?" The pilot replied. "Every time it breaks." -------- An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah." The call center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line." -------- Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar. The second man says, "What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen!" The first man says, "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The second man says, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke." The first man says, "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again!" And again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. The second man says, "Well, what the heck, it works, I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the 11th...10th ...9th...8th....7th...6th...5th...4th...3rd...2nd...1st... And hits the sidewalk with a huge splat. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk." -------- A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Darnit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?" -------- Sandra and Cindy were having a rare heart to heart talk. "What do you consider your worst vice," Cindy asked. "I don't like to admit it," Sandra said, "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face." "I wouldn't worry about it," said Cindy. "That's not vanity. That's imagination." -------- "You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets. -------- Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!" -------- Mr. Johnson's wife of fifty years suggested they take a cruise. "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed. He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said. "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month." Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the heck do you do it?" -------- I had this one night stand...and I felt so badly about it! The next morning I ran out and bought another one for the other side of my bed. --- ...LOL! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- ___________ `:::::::::' ':::::::' -._:::::::_.- :""""""""""""""""": : . \ .- . : : : 0 0 .' : : ' ..::. : : ::::::: : .': ':::::' :`. : : "" : : `. : __ :.' ": .' ". : : : : : : ' : :_____ _____: __ : : :.--. grp ." " : ' : '. : .' `-...-"'-..-" >College A young Canadian paratrooper was taking some College courses between assignments. He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Association (CCLA). One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and decked him; knocking him clean off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The young soldier stood up and calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers, who are protecting your right to speak such stupidity and act like an idiot. So He sent me." The classroom erupted in cheers! --- ...LOL! Love it! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- _..-------.._ .-"--..__ __."-. ." """" ". .:: :.. .' ""----...._________..-`. ::::::' : __:::::::::: .. : ______......--.--:::::::::::::-" .:: ::::::::::(::::##::##::_:::::::::"::: .:-.:::_ :::::::::_::::::#:::#:::#"::::::: " '-::::::::::::::-#:::::::::::::::#::::::::: .:::::::::::::::#:::::::::::::#:::::::' : ::::::":"""----:::#::::::::::::#---"" _.: " '-' : __...--"" : :---...____....----""" ___..-": : ______......--""" : :""""" : `.----.....______....----.' .--. ":::::::::::::::::::::/:..:::::: grp "-:::::::::::::::-"':::::::::: ::::::---"" .::::::::: .:::::/_.._ ::::::::' :::::::::::::. '-::-" '::::::::::::: `--::::::-' >How To Get Rid of Telemarketers: If a cell phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends ...would you be my friend?" For cleaning services: "Can you get blood out? ... You can? Good! How about goat blood? Or *human* blood. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: "This is Bill from Watertronics." "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" "Uh, Dallas, Texas." "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya." Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it's a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If they want to loan you money, tell them you could sure use some money because you just filed for bankruptcy. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems. My sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died ..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue to list your problems. If they say they're John Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. --- ...They can be so annoying! Thanks LouiseA! ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Linda :) >Food For Thought - Self Worth... What A Real Woman Wants: ,o8888boo. b d88888888888b d88oo88888888888888o. /\ 8888888888P" Y88888888o,b _--/ \ 88888888P".''.Y88P" Y8888 /__/ "\ Y888888P '.-. Y" _. Y88P <______ "\ "8888P / | '_ '$88 \, \ 888b Bo | / \ a8Z \ \ 8|< B8/ Bo||P" '. /'--\ ._ P8/| \ / '\_ \ _/ \ /'-----.' \ | / |\ \ '-./ | / \./| \ | \/ |/ | ,---| /\__./ _/ '-.___./ ; \ / \ \ \ --._/ \ \ \_ \ \._\ "--. \ _''-._<'' \ /" '-. .-" "----._____-| | | | | | | | | | | I | | | T | | | | | | | | \ | "| | | | Z "-.__.-P__.-- \88ooo8|PwwPP """"' ch1x0r In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: “What kind of man are you looking for?” She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, “Do you really want to know?” Reluctantly, he said, “Yes.” She began to expound: “As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, “What can you bring to the table?” The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more.” “I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.” He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. She said: “I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple- minded man.I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked - believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive - he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him - He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.” When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, “You are asking a lot.” She replied, “I’m worth a lot.” --Author Unknown --- ...Indeed! Thanks Linda! -<>- /\ / \ _-| ,' \ _,m; | d| L _mdMP' | dM| | ,dMMMF | dMM| | dMMMMF .' ,MMM| |-'""`-./`QMM| | |MMMJ | | `.RP"| ,' |MMMMl |,-;'`. |\`.| ,/ ,d| |MMMM'\,',' \ | `.|'/,MMF |MP"` / / \ | | q/ _t| /,' _____ | /___ | ,' -' `.| | / _._\ |'|,m.)|<:_ ,' ,-'| | \ |MMMD `^"'.| `. | / | |__`>`''-'"".\ | | |,'____\ `---'_--'" ` / \ `. /-' |--._ .__--"' (, ) \ |-'\ | \\-. //`-' `. /| || || \ __// | / | >``--[ | \_-""".,/`._\ | ,' | |-' `\ ,' / ,' |,' | |,----..' ( /`. ' `. ||____|| `-' `. > `-..._|.m. _.m| / `.._.qMMMMMMMD CMMM| / `VML. `V' | VMML..___.,-' | | ,mmm._ /| | ,dMMMMP""``-.___,-' | | ,dMMMMP"' / _.- | dMMMMMMb | | | dMMMMMMMb. / | | ' `"qMM| `. | _,-` `M` `-.___.,^----' | `. | |' | .' `-_ _| | | | `-._____,-' `\_J |md| |MMb |MM| ,mmMMMMMMMUD |MMMMMMSmr. hjm `"qMMMMP"' `"""^^^^^" >More - To keep "aging" grey cells active!----and younger ones! Think before you answer! 1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May....What was the third child's name? 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh? 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world? 4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? 5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly? 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer ....How is this possible? 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg... Why not? 8. What was the President's Name...in 1975? 9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? 10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Here are the Answers 1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name? Answer:Johnny of course 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat. 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [ You're not very good at this are you?] 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole. 5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures. 8. What was the President's Name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...] 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first. 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh] 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /|_\|/_/| , ,--,-. . / ( O O ) \ | (___)' | |. , | / '-'\__,' | //|. \\\ \ ||| , `-'|\\ ||| ' ||| c D ' , c D UU ' '-' ' UU \ __ / __|| ||__ (___/ \___) [lf] IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1) You can't count your hair. 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. Ten (10) Things I know about you. 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. --- ...easy-peasy! Thanks Linda! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not fight, I'm telling you why, Santa Clause is gunning you down. Not even jolly ol' Saint Nick goes to Detroit without packing some heat. A festively dressed gunman, who is now in custody, told officers that he felt threatened after arguing with a pair of men at a Detroit gas station early in the morning. So he shot them. "An individual who was dressed as Santa and two other individuals got into some kind of confrontation," said Detroit Police Officer Adam Madera. "Two of the individuals went to their vehicle; they believe that Santa felt maybe that they were going to get a weapon. He then shot these individuals." Then Santa took off on foot. Madera said that two off-duty officers in the area engaged in a short foot chase with the suspect and directed him to an on-duty officer who made the arrest. Detroit police officials confirmed that the two victims, both 29-year-old men, were recovering from gunshot wounds following the incident. -<>- *-- Canadian yoga class cancelled due to 'cultural issues' --* OTTAWA - A free yoga class at the University of Ottawa was cancelled after a group of student leaders deemed it to be an example of cultural appropriation. Jennifer Scharf, who taught the free class for students with and without disabilities for seven years, said she was told the class would be cancelled when she met with the university's Center for Students with Disabilities in September. The center outlined their reasoning for canceling the class in an email. "While yoga is a really great idea, and accessible and great for students ... there are cultural issues of implication involved in the practice," they wrote. One of the issues Scharf believes they are referring to is instructors who falsely claim expertise in the spiritual aspect of yoga, though she said her focus is strictly on the physical benefits. "I'm not claiming it's anything more than a physical practice within that class," she told CBC News. "There's been so much positivity and so many people positively helped by this, and that's part of the reason why I'm fighting so hard to keep it." Scharf looked to find a compromise by renaming the course from "yoga" to "mindful stretching" but issues regarding how the phrase would translate to French ultimately led to the program being suspended. She has also said she is open to teaching the class in a "more accessible" form, but has yet found a place or organization on campus to host it. *-- Bride destroys dress at 5k color run after groom calls off wedding --* TAMPA, Fla. - A Tampa woman came up with a colorful way to destroy her wedding dress after her fiance called off the ceremony. Just days before the wedding was to take place, Kilee Manulak got a text from her boyfriend of two years saying he no longer wanted to marry her. After a few days of mourning, Manulak decided to have some fun with the situation by publicly destroying her wedding dress at Tampa's Color Fun Fest. Manulak was joined by her bridesmaids at the event, a 5K run were the participants are sprayed with neon paint. The women covered their dresses in paint and Manulak even took to the main stage. "It was actually very liberating," she told WFLA Tampa. "I don't want a pity party. I just want to have fun with it." Jessica Rios of All Brides 2 Be, the shop where Manulak bought the dress, attended the event at Manulak's request. They are not sure if the color will ever come out of the dress, but Rios said that Manulak's happiness is the most important thing. "In the end it is her dress now and my wish is to see her happy... which I did," Rios told UPI. "To see the smile on her face and all of her bridesmaids and family there too supporting her was priceless." Manulak hopes to sell the dress if the color can be washed out and is ultimately thankful to her former fiance for the experience. "I definitely want to tell him thank you for sparing me heartaches down the road, and thank you for letting me go so I can find true happiness," she said. *-- Georgia man runs himself over attempting to steal beer truck --* COLUMBUS, Ga. - A Georgia man was injured and arrested while attempting to steal a beer truck from a local gas station. 55-year-old Gregory Miller was apprehended after attempting to steal a Coors Light delivery truck from a Circle K gas station in Columbus, Georgia around 6 a.m. Monday. Miller drove the vehicle to a Bojangles restaurant where he pulled the truck over, but failed to put it in park leading the truck to drive over his leg. After being brought into custody, Miller was taken to Midtown Medical center with a severe ankle injury. When Miller is released from the hospital, he will face charges of theft by taking a motor vehicle and eluding police. *-- Police: Robber in Darth Vader costume foiled by jar of salad dressing --* JACKSONVILLE BEACH, Fla. - Move over Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader has a new nemesis -- salad dressing. Police in Florida said the Force was not with a Darth Vader wannabe who was pelted with a jar of salad dressing during an alleged robbery attempt. Investigators said a man dressed as the Star Wars villain and armed with a silver handgun entered the 8 Til Late convenience store in Jacksonville Beach about 5:30 p.m. Sunday and demanded cash from the store clerk. Police said the clerk answered the Sith Lord's request by struggling with him and throwing a jar of blue cheese salad dressing, which struck the alleged robber in the helmet. The suspect fled, but witnesses outside the store got a quick glimpse of his face when he took off the helmet before driving away. The vehicle was located after an investigation and its owner, Jacob Jeremy Mercer, 32, of Tonawanda, N.Y., was located at a residence and arrested. Mercer, who was bleeding from the bridge of his nose, was identified by a witness as the man in the Darth Vader costume. Police said Mercer had several handguns and ammunition in a backpack. Mercer was charged with armed robbery and possession of a firearm by a felon. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) ^ | | @#####@ (### ###)-. .(### ###) \ / (### ###) ) (=- .@#####@|_--" /\ \_|l|_/ (\ (=-\ |l| / \ \.___|l|___/ /\ |_| / (=-\._________/\ \ / \._________/ # ---- # # __ # \########/ unknown >Gunfight Rules In a gunfight, the most important rule is ... HAVE A GUN! Here is some shooting advice from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate these rules. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it -- and learn the rules: RULES: A -- Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians. B -- It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6. C -- Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you. D -- Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arm’s length. E -- Never say "I've got a gun". If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off. F -- The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes; the response time of a .357 magnum is 1400 feet per second. G -- The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win. A gunfight is a deadly struggle. There is no such thing as a fair fight, so cheat if necessary. H -- Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, ‘cause it will be empty. I -- If you're in a gun fight: If you're not shooting, you should be loading. If you're not loading, you should be moving. If you're not moving, you're dead. J -- In a life and death situation, do something. It may be wrong, but do something! K -- If you carry a gun, people may call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about? L -- You can say 'stop' or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language. M -- Never leave an enemy behind. If you have to shoot, shoot to kill. If you end up in court, yours will be the only testimony. N -- You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family. If you believe in the 2nd Amendment, forward this to others you know who also believe. And always remember this quote from America's premier Founding Father: "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading". - Thomas Jefferson --- ...Great Advice! Safety first! Thanks Geniann! -<>- .---. /_____\ _HH.H.HH _ _-"" WHHHHHW""--__ \\ _-" __\VW=WV/__ /"". \\ _-" \__--" "-_-" """ "_ \\/ PhH _ "" \\----_/_| ___ /"\ T""\====- \\ /"-._ |%|H| ( "\|) | / .:) \/ / |-+-| \ |_ J .:::-' / / |H|%| _-' '-._ " )/;" / / \ __ ( \ \ \ " / /\/ '. / \ \ \ \ _- \ "'-._/ \/ \ "-_ \ -"" _- \ _,'\\ \ \/ ) "-, -"" \ _,'_- _ \\ \ \,' \ \_\_\ \ ,' _- \_\ \ \ \_\_\ \ \_ _- _- _,' \ \ \ """" ) C\_ _- _,' \ "--------. L_""""_/ " \/-' "-_________| '"-Y Philipp Haegi >SPORTS QUOTES “Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play. - Harry Neale, professional hockey coach "Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch." - Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver "I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect." - Doug Sanders, professional golfer "All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'" - Mickey Lolich, DetroitTigers Pitcher "When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time." - Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver "I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twentypercent are glad you're having them." - Tommy LaSorda , LA Dodgers manager "My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget." - E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations "My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good." - Vic Braden, tennis instructor "When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it twas Mrs. Koufax's." - Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery "I don't know. I only played there for nine years." - WaltGarrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles "We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost." - John Breen, HoustonOilers "The film looks suspiciously like the game itself." - Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the AtlantaFalcons "When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo." - Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher "I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats." - Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner "Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day." - Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon. "I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball." - Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach "I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday." - Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game "I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'" - Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting "I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you." - Bill Walton, PortlandTrial Blazers "Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash." - George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores. "The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday." - Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach --- ...HaHa! Thanks Geniann! ============================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: __, _ .-' / , jgs ./ | ___________________ .' / / `. / / / ____________ //\_ | / / | /' / | (____________) ||.'`-.________________________ | \__/ | / / | ____________ ||`._.-'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` `. .' / \ \__(____________)__\\/ `. .' | `\ | ][ | | | __________________ | ][ | | |____________________...-------'''- - =- - = - =` | ][ | /| | \- = - -= - = - =- = -=| | ][ | ( | | |= -= - = - = = - =--= = - ==| | ][ | \| |____________________/- = - -= =_- =_-=_ -=_=-=_=_=-| | ][ | | | ```------...___________________.' | ][ | |________| | ][ | \ / _ .' __ `. | | ,,,,,,, /=\ | / \ | ,-' `-, /\___________ (\\\\\\\||=| | \__/ | | | \/~~~~~~~~~~~` ^^^^^^^ \=/ `. .' `--------' ` `----' ____________________________ _____ ,\\ ___________________ \ | `------------------------' || (___________________) `| jgs |_____.------------------------._ || ____________________ | `//__(____________________)___/ THE MODERN TOOLBOX: Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911. Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice. -<>- I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester. "You'll get $24," said the clerk. "This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check. "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course." -<>- My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer. At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this: "Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food." -<>- Two old men went hunting one day. A hang glider came soaring overhead and the first old man raised his gun and fired. After a brief pause the second old man asked "Did you get it, whatever it was?" The first old man replied "No, I think I missed it. But I sure as heck made it turn loose that poor fella it was carrying away!" -<>- When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!" After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry, that's PAT Hogan!" -<>- [This is an old, old one, but still one of my favorites...] A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been. After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'." So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared." At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody knows pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!" ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) _(\__/)_ _.=.___.-" /| | / | | \ | | | \| : / / | _| ( / | (\ .' /) uu /| V \/ / . ( |// | | ( |/ \ . \| /7._||/ | (/ (| ____ | \ / \ / (^/ (^/ jjs Some Jewish Humor I’m just guessing but I suspect some, if not all, of these go back to the Catskills – The Jewish Alps – where many great Jewish comedians got their start. Those comedians were a staple on the Ed Sullivan show. Clean & hilarious comedy. >HOLIDAY CONFRONTATION Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The Rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: “You need to join the Army of God!” Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.” The rabbi questioned: “Then how come I don’t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?” Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the Secret Service." -<>- >TWO SENIORS ATTENDING SERVICES Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service. One leaned over and whispered, “My tuchas is going to sleep.” “I know,” replied her companion, “I heard it snore three times.” -<>- >A DOCTOR'S VISIT Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?” She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane.” -<>- . \ / __)\-._|\./(_/7 <" ( ." _\ /__ \ ' / _ _ _/ |/| ,"(O)(O)/V \/.-, \ _\_ // | (OVO) (\ //___| \ \ \\ (\ / | | \ \ (_\ )) | | | \__) \\ (( | | | \|.||_\ // \\| \ | (| || \\_// \\___||______| \_/ '7 || ". ( _|| /"-. \ '" ||)/ )/ jjs _||__> /__> (__| >DYING OF THIRST The Italian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have wine.” The Frenchman says, “I’m thirsty. I must have cognac.” The Russian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have vodka.” The German says, “I’m thirsty. I must have beer.” The Mexican says, “I’m thirsty. I must have tequila.” The Jewish man says, “I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.” -<>- >ISRAELI VISITOR A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?” “No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.” “Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?” “A check,” replied the guide. -<>- >JEWISH ROWING TEAM Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last. Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass., and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their secret,” he announces. “What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shouted. “We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.” --- ...LOL! Love these! Thanks PatDeE! ==================================================================== >-->From AndyChaps: ,----. ,'`--- \ / \ __ / _,.-. ___ ,' `-.___,.--'' `. ,' _,'`. / .__...-----._ \ \ `. _,-'''-. | _`- `. \ _,--..__ ._,--'' `. | `-._, \ | ,' '''' \:. \ | '--_--_-. | | / ):) | | |_` _` `. / | / __:/_ , | | / \/ \ \ / | | . __,-,-'__ __`-.-.___,:/ | \ _\o/\o/ |,-. | | \`--'::,' /o \o \ `:::::/ / \ ( )) ; | \::::/ \__/__/ \::/ / ,..._ /`-' \-'_,-, / \ \:/| / \ |, ,,' `-- || (___,-' | _; / \ `\| \__/ (:\((/ ___ || (__/ |-' ,' `. \ `.___,' ,---\:::\-'' `-._ - / _,' `. `. - ,' `:::\ `. ,',-' `-.___,`-._____/ `::\ \__..-' `-._ _,-' \ / ,' `::`. \ / / `-. ,-' \ | / /_ _ `::\ | / | `-. ,' | | | |/o\/o\ \:| || | `-. ,' ,'_,-\ | |\_/\_/ \|_ || ,.\ `. / ,'-'`-._\ | ,-'''''-. ` -\ || / | `._ ; \ / / \ \ `-.....-' _/ /| ,' | `,' | | `. \ \ | / |:`-._ / |/ .::\ ( / _,-| `. \ \ | \__,' |:::,'/_,' : \--'`..__,-' \ ;\ \ \__`. \ - / `:,' / : .: \ ) \ \' \ | ;\___`-.__\ /__,-' ,' : : .: / | \ \ _,-'.__ ; _\ _,-'`.__,'`-._|,' : ` :. (,' , / \ `-.-' ,-' _.-' _,-' | ,'. | `-._:: : . `''-' \ | |_,-' ,-' | |,'/ \`.|/| / `. ; . \ \-._ _\\\\\ ,-' / | | | // | `. . . \ \_,-' \ ,' / | |_| // | `. . \ \ ,' __..'.. ,-'.'//| \ \ . . \ / `-' `. `-.| `. \ . \ ( | / |/`----| \___. . \ `._ _/`--' / | | `''''-, \ `''---------''| / / | / .\ \/ / / / / / ,' / / / \ / /. / _..--`-._ /_ __ _/ __,`-----' / ,' jrei '---------`-.__/|_[_-]/_ '--. | / . / | `'''''---/////.....____/ ,' >Just Think About This "The one who plants and the one who waters work as a team with the same purpose. Yet they will be rewarded individually according to their own hard work." (TLB) 1 Corinthians 3:8 "Woman was created from the rib of man; Not from his head to be thought of only, nor from his hand to be owned, nor from his foot to be beneath, but from under his arm to be protected, from his side to be equal, and from his heart to be loved. . ." ~ Anonymous No doubt [my body] has often led me astray: but not half so often, I suspect, as my soul has led it astray. For the spiritual evils ... arise more from the imagination than from the appetites. ~ C.S. Lewis Anxiety is not only a pain which we must ask God to assuage but also a weakness we must ask Him to pardon for He's told us to take no care for the morrow. ~ C.S. Lewis "If you don't believe in cooperation, look at what happens when a car loses one of its wheels." - Unknown You cannot sink someone else's end of the boat and still keep your own afloat." - Charles Bower "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason "If you do what you have always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." -- Anonymous "Learn and grow all you can; serve and befriend all you can; enrich and inspire all you can." -- Pope John Paul II "Try not to become a success, but rather try to become a man of value." -- Albert Einstein "Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that." -- Bill Shankly "You have the ability, right now, to exceed all your previous levels of accomplishment." -- Brian Tracy "A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties." -- Harry Truman A good attitude will get you through the times when life jumps up and bites you in the rear. -<>- >ADVICE FOR YANKEES MOVING SOUTH 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. -<>- >Junior Gets His Drivers License Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." -<>- >Oldest Son Chooses His Life's Vocation An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten- dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: MOTHER, Our son is going to be a Politician." -<>- >The Most Succinct Explanation At the local gas utility written orders are issued to change meters when they are old or malfunctioning. On the order sheet is a "remarks" section, where the service representative notes any problems that prevented the job from being completed. The most succinct explanation to ever come back was this: "Dog does not want meter to be changed." -<>- >FIVE WAYS TO HAVE A MORE JOYFUL CHRISTMAS --1. STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN: If you discover yourself becoming dulled to the joys of the season, STOP! Slow the pace down and become still, taking time to LOOK and LISTEN. Take a winter walk, curl up in a favorite chair or before the fireplace. Helen Keller once observed, "The seeing see little." So feel the comfort of the glow of a candle, or the red of the poinsettias. Listen with new ears to laughter and bells, and to the expression of love of found in the story of the first Christmas. --2. BE WILLING TO BE SURPRISED: Remember that God can come in the least likely ways - a Holy Child born in a village stable, a brightly shining star, an angel song in the night sky. Watch for Him to come in equally surprising ways to you, too. When we live as if God is going to "surprise" us at any moment, in any way, in any place, then He usually does! --3. FIND WAYS TO ANTICIPATE CHRISTMAS: How about keeping an advent calendar? Commit yourself to perform at least one special act of kindness for each day of advent. Write a note, letter, card or e-mail to someone to express your gratitude, to tell someone you love them, to forgive an old hurt, or just to count your blessings. --4. FREE YOUR CHILDLIKE SPIRIT: Jesus held up childlikeness as a quality to be cultivated (Mark 10:15). Children are experts at dreaming up simple things as delights that adults don't, or have forgotten how to do. Can't you picture a little boy singing "Jingle Bells" to a plastic Jesus in a store? Christmas often comes in precious moments like this, when we spontaneously show our adoration for the Baby in the manger. --5. SHARE THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE: Nothing multiplies the sense of wonder in your life like giving it away. The more you share (not just things, but yourself) the brighter Christmas grows. I hope that these simple steps will help you, or someone you can share these with, keep the wonder and excitement of Christmas alive during this busy season. Just remember that "Jesus is the reason for the season." Be a blessing to someone this week! -<>- >One Liners From Lady Hawke ** A genius is someone who is royally messed up in a useful way. ** Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ** The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles. ** Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses ** Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes. ** Did you really think Mr. Rogers wanted you or me as a neighbor? ** When you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just strange. ** A grownup is someone who suffers from responsibility. ** Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ** Your dreams will come true as soon as you're ready. ** Recessions are started by people who fear recessions. ** The real cause of divorce is marriage. ** When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I ** Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of. ** I chose the path less traveled, but only because I was lost. ** Don't judge people by their relatives. ** Not he, who has much, is rich . . . but he, who gives much. ** Work when you should and play all the time. ** The police can do a search if it's warranted. ** Join the I.R.S. -- Be Audit You Can Be ** Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water. ** A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way. -<>- >Making Kids Behave I have an older brother, and when we were younger my dad would always say to us when we would misbehave, "Your older brother and sister used to do that....and you don't see them here anymore, do you?" For years we believed that we had an older brother and sister that misbehaved, and my parents got rid of them. Needless to say, we were little angels!! -<>- >Thanks The son of a friend graduated from high school, so I sent him a card to congratulate him. I enclosed some money and scribbled some words of wisdom inside. He sent me back a note saying, "Thank you for the gift. Also thank you for the advice. My mom always told me that you were full of it." -<>- >CANCEL My Insurance Om My Husband Doug's barn burned down and his wife, Tammy, called the insurance company. Tammy spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured and then we'll provide you with another barn, just like the original one." There was a long pause, and then Tammy replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband." -<>- ,~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~. ;::::::::::::::::::: {::}~~~~~~~~~~~~~~{::} {::} ,'`. {::} {:} __ {:} {:} _-~ ~-_ {:} {:} {:} {:.------. .------.:} ,-/| ;<' |=~~=| `>: |\-. | | ( c) | | (c ) | | \ | `' | | `' | / / `------'/ \`------' \ | / \ | | (*_ _*) | \ __-' `' `-__ / | | | ,'~~-~~`. | | (#########) | | \ \#-~~~-#/ / | \ / ` -_ -______- _- ' | | FRM >HOW DID WE SURVIVE? Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never over weight; we were always outside playing. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, And we learned how to deal with it all. ========================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Full Christmas Menu http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/christmasindex.html Cat Owner Tips http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catowners.html Breathtaking Photos!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/breathtaking.html God's Night Lights 2!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/night2.html Identity Theft 4!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/identitytheft4.html This Is MY Spot!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/myspot.html Hybrid Big Cats!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hybridbigcats.html Lion Cub Rescue!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/lionrescue.html Cano Cristales River!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cristales.html God's Most Beautiful!- http://http//www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mostbeautiful.html Best Of Nat Geo 2012!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/natgeo2012.html Best Buddies!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bestbuds.html Cat In A Box!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catinbox.html Dogs Vs Cats!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogcat.html Backpack Cat!- http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/backpack.html -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) Did you watch the Peanuts Thanksgiving episode every year when you were younger? Now you can see it on YouTube from beginning to end. Better in full screen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LQ961y0VKEk This insane footage is going viral right now because most of us have never seen anything like it. This is exactly what it would look like to be a bird caught by a hawk in midair. Spoiler alert: It doesn't look pleasant! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhDG_WBIQgc&feature=player_embedded When you watch elite magicians, you probably think they're using a bunch of fancy technology like invisible wires or mechanical contraptions to pull off their illusions. Many of them do, but some tricks don't require anything special. This is one you can learn easily, and you have everything you need already. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e8W7aBLalc&feature=player_embedded "Remember When" is a look back at back at the 1950's and 1960's that will bring back some special memories for many older Americans. This was a little before some people's time but hope you will still enjoy looking at the photos and listening to the music. Maybe it was because technology wasn't so prevalent back then but it seems like times were simpler in the those days. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=D9nH154inZQ "Lost In The Fifties" is a look back at life in the 1950's that was such a memorable decade for those that lived it. Many people have fond memories of the cars, music, and icons of the Fifties but the decade was also marked by not so fond memories like The Korean War, racism and McCarthyism. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjj9VKKSV2g&feature=player_embedded --- ...Great ones! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From Our Friend Cloie :) Sainsbury’s OFFICIAL Christmas Advert 2015 – Mog’s Christmas Calami https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuRn2S7iPNU How To Be Happy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqRn81WFUr4 "There Is Power" from Lincoln Brewster (OFFICIAL LYRIC VIDEO) http://tinyurl.com/hg33a7d --- ...Oh Yeah! Thanks Cloie! Let this run and you'll get more inspirational videos -<>- >From Our Friend Melinda :) Adele at the BBC: When Adele wasn't Adele... but was Jenny! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHXjxWaQs9o&feature=em-share_video_user 10 Reasons to Invite Dogs Over for Thanksgiving https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwupPYWJOjw&feature=em-share_video_user Turkey Festival https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNf9t8R-ZWo&feature=em-share_video_user Thats What I Call Talent - Alexander Jorgenson and Barti https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY3cPQXblUY&feature=em-share_video_user --- ...LOL! Thanks Melinda! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) Student Organizes Boycott To Protest Michelle Obama’s Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act http://tinyurl.com/q7cr3us L.A. school district is arguing in court for the same position that pedophiles hold. http://tinyurl.com/hcvs2et French Bulldog plays with Buck - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LchurtBR_LE#t=48 This Rescuer Was Brought To Tears When A Homeless Poodle Did The Sweetest Thing! Please Share! Saving Layla: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4Jjum2lZEQ --- ...Heart-wrenching! Thanks Melody! -<>- >From Our Friend Geniann :) A country song I must learn. Hang onto your sense of humor! http://www.youtube.com/embed/OOgd9hitEAE?rel=0 Say MERRY CHRISTmas https://www.youtube.com/embed/ln01p1M2cH0 We know it's an illusion, but please! Tell us HOW??? http://www.youtube.com/embed/65ASzyUsOv0?autoplay=1 Old Movie Dance Scenes Mashup https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1F0lBnsnkE --- ...Fun Ones! Thanks Geniann! Stunning Immigration video.... A Must See http://tinyurl.com/qbs3q52 --- ...Wow! An eye opener! Thanks Geniann! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, 'Way to go, Einstein.'" -Jimmy Fallon "According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading." -Conan O'Brien "Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of you kids who don't know what a dictionary is, it's a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble game." -Jimmy Kimmel "I heard that AMC will broadcast a marathon of the entire 'Godfather' trilogy on Thanksgiving. So if you want to watch a dramatic family falling apart on Thanksgiving - now you've got TWO ways to do that." -Jimmy Fallon "A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it's just a pigeon staring at your boobs." -Seth Meyers "There is a new website that allows parents to rent toys instead of buying them for Christmas. The website is perfect for parents who aren't sure that they love their child." -Conan O'Brien "A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans say it's too early to be playing Christmas music. I couldn't agree more. Now let's talk about the 2016 presidential race." -Seth Meyers "The good people at Butterball have been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save a turkey's life." -Stephen Colbert "For the first time in 32 years, Butterball is adding male staffers to their Thanksgiving turkey talk line, the phone number you can call if you are having trouble cooking your turkey. One of the guys just yells questions to his wife in the other room." -Jimmy Kimmel >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************