Hitchcock, Blondes, And Children - Oh My! ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->OoooWEeeee!! (>, oo / 8 "} > @ < |`.8 .-._/| `-.'`')`_.' ) / / |__, | ( / .' , / `._/ '`- \| -- -`' - --- VK/ejm I'm doing a 'Happy Angel' dance! Why? Because Shangrala has been blessed with another donation from our most faithful Shangrala Angel William Lysak from Canada! This is his FIFTH year in a row of stepping up to the plate to help Keep Shangrala Alive with a sweet donation! We sure do thank God for him and all our past wonderful angels! If you'd like to help too and be counted as a 2012 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ================ >-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press! :) Our first scorcher is from our friend KarenF. Such a sweet one! Most all of us know the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. However, when we grew up, we realized it was just that - a fairy tale. Male bears don't stay with female bears in the wild and they often fight if they come across a female bear with cubs so this story seemed to be just a story - or is it? .'"'. ___,,,___ .'``. : (\ `."'"``` ```"'"-' /) ; : \ `./ .' `. :.' / _ _ \ | 0} {0 | | / \ | | / \ | | / \ | \ | .-. | / `. | . . / \ . . | .' jgs `-._\.'.( ).'./_.-' `\' `._.' '/' `. --'-- .' `-...-' The REAL Three Bears http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bears.html --- ...Such a heartwarmer! Thanks KarenF! Our Second Hot tottie comes from our friend PatDeE! This one will give all the ooos and awes you've come to expect from viewing God's wonderful creation at it's finest. %%%% %%%%-( _%%%%%_/ \ ' / _%%%%%%%% - (_) - _%%%%%%%/ \% / , \ %%%%%%%%%\\ \_ %%%%%% \ \\ ) /\_/ /(___. \ '----' ( / ) ---....____/ (_____ __ _ ___ ___ __ _ _ _____ _ _ ___ / )---...___ =-= = -_= -=_= _-=_-_ -=- =-_ ,' ( ```--.._= -_= -_= _-=- -_= _=- ,-' ) ``--._=-_ =-=_-= _-= _ '-._ '-..___( ``-._=_-=_- =_-= ``---....__) `-._-=_-_=- )|)| `-._=-_ gnv '-'-.\_ `-. Corner Of Paradise http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/corner.html --- ...Beautiful scenery! Thanks PatDeE! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: ____ .:'""""':. __ // \\_..-'' \ || |_ | ANAGRAMS \\ // ''-..__/ jgs ':.____.:' `""""` Word When you rearrange the letters --------------------------------------------------------------- Dormitory Dirty Room Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it Astronomer Moon Starer Princess Diana End Is A Car Spin ============================================================= *------- More Bizarre March Holiday -------* March 12 is Alfred Hitchcock Day March 13 is Jewel Day March 14 is National Potato Chip Day March 15 is Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day March 17 is Submarine Day March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend PAtDeE :) ______ __________________: ( _____ ) ( ) / / - - \ \ ( Hmmm... now where ) | |-O-O-| | o O ( IS that brain ) |( () )| ( of mine? ) | \ \_/ / | ( _________________ ) / --- \ (___) (___) unknown >Blondes *DISNEYLAND * Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said 'Disneyland LEFT'. They started crying and turned around and went home. *FLORIDA OR MOON * Two blondes, living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida ???' *CAR TROUBLE * A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' *SPEEDING TICKET * A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' *RIVER WALK * There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' *AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE * A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor... 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' *KNITTING * A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' *BLONDE ON THE SUN * A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not that stupid, you know. We're going at night!' *IN A VACUUM * A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' *FINALLY,* *THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! * A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'! --- ...LMAO! Good Classic Jokes! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- >A Great History Refresher This is something that every generation - grandparents, parents & children can enjoy. Probably the best capsule of the history of our country ever put together. It's fascinating to watch the evolution of growth from the 13 colonies up to the present day -- with dates, wars, purchases, etc. all included. As much as you may know about American history, I guarantee you'll learn something from this short video clip. I know you'll enjoy this site, especially if you enjoy American history, but have forgotten a lot of what was learned in school. Turn on your sound, as the narration is a significant portion of the presentation. Click on the next line... http://www.animatedatlas.com/movie.html --- ...Great one - Thanks PatDeE! Got this link up already in the FUN URLS under Kid Stuff: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html ================================================================ >-->From Our Friend Linda :) Just Like You Guys! === === === === ___===____________oooo___________oooo____________===___ |___===___________________________________________===___| === | /O O\ | === dwb || || jrb === || || === ( | _ | ) || ( ) || _ || _/_-_\_ || \ ooooO /___|___\ Ooooo == ((( )|____^____|( ))) / \ (|)MMMMM| |#####(|) |MILK| (_)MMMM/ \####(_) |____| ---------------------------------------------------------------------- __ ____ ___ __ ___ ___ ( )(_ _) ( \ / \( _)/ __) )( )( ) ) )( () )) _)\__ \ (__) (__) (___/ \__/(___)(___/ ____ _ _ ___ ___ __ ___ _ _ __ __ __ ___ _ (_ _)( )( )( _) ( ,) / \( \( \/ ) / _) / \ / \( \ / \ )( )__( ) _) ) ,\( () )) ) )\ / ( (/\( () )( () )) ) )\_/ (__) (_)(_)(___) (___/ \__/(___/(__/ \__/ \__/ \__/(___/ (_) >Story Time! - GLASS OF MILK One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?" You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness." He said ... "Then I thank you from my heart.." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also He had been ready to give up and quit. Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge, and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ... "Paid in full with one glass of milk" (Signed) Dr Howard Kelly. Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands." There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the water comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about? Now you have two choices. 1.. You can send this page on and spread a positive message. 2. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which -- To burn ... --- ...Cool Story! Thanks Linda! ========================================================== >-->From Our Friend Del :) .-. ## ) * _.-+*'`*+-._ ,## _ _ #. ;### ((.;;.)) ##: .=._.; ,-*:;;:*-. *##:._.=, >##; *-')_@@_(`-* ;###< ---------------`****------(o `` o)-----*****'-------------e:l `-""-' The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, and things Got Ya Down - Well Then, Consider These . . In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. Still Having a Bad Day? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you're having a Bad Day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. Are Ya OK Now? - No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What? STILL Having a Bad Day? Taliban terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good! There now, Feeling Better? --- ...Oh Yeah, LOL! Thanks Del! ========================================================== >-->From Your friend Brenda :) _,.......____ _.-' / `-._`-. ,' / / `. `. ,' ___ / _ / __`. `. / / \ / (_) / / / \ \ : / /) / / __ / / / L L | / __,' / / / / / / | | | / / / / / / / /___ | | : /_/ / /_/ / /_____/ F F \ / / / / `. / / ,' ,' `./ / _,'_,' cjr `-.__/______,.;:.-' >Tablets My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' my manhood. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I'm still looking for a place to live. --- ...LOL! Thanks Brenda! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From Our Friend JoanR: This is tough to watch and will really make you mad, if you love animals, as much as I do. The world should do something about this. Soi Dog Foundation - Help End The Dog Meat Trade http://tinyurl.com/7kvy4ul --- ...Horrific! Thanks for the alert JoanR! -<>- >From Our Friend EdLaF: AZ Sheriff Joe Arpaio Releases Results of Obama Birth Certificate Probe: http://tinyurl.com/7yzsuew Sandra Fluke: A Fake Victim of Georgetown’s Policy on Contraceptives? http://tinyurl.com/728t8vd NASA Releases Video Explaining 2012 Maya Apocalypse Theory http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/320956 --- ...Most Interesting! Thanks EdLaF! -<>- >From CowboyByte: Wind Energy Under Attack for Thousands of Wildlife Deaths http://tinyurl.com/7hsx8ly -<>- >From the Teaparty: Tea Party: Washington has forgotten who holds the power http://tinyurl.com/7wdo29r -<>- >From ConservativeByte: Sharia Law Takes Root in America http://tinyurl.com/7frpkum -<>- >From BizarreNews: There are a lot of weird and bizarre world records, from the stupid; like the most T-shirts worn at once (245), or the fastest individual 1 mile run wearing swim fins (7 minutes 56 seconds), to the disgusting; like the most body piercings in one session (3,100) or the heaviest weight pulled with eye sockets (907 pounds). And then there is the dangerous; like the longest time being buried alive. No official record has been set yet (perhaps because it is so dangerous), but if there were a record holder it would probably be 24-year-old Janaka Basnayake of Sri Lanka. At least he would have held it for a little while, because the stunt killed him. Police said Basnayake buried himself with the help of family and friends in a trench sealed with wood and soil about 10 feet deep. Basnayake's mother said her son had enjoyed performing unusual acts since his childhood. The local newspaper quoted her as saying that her son had been buried alive on two previous occasions for two and a half hours and six hours. His last attempt would have been a personal best. Basnayake was buried at around 9:30 a.m. When he was brought to the surface at 4 p.m., he was unconscious and was taken to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival. So I guess in hindsight it was hardly worth bringing him up at all. *-- Thermometer has been in lung for 44 years --* CHANGSHA, China - Doctors in China said they are trying to figure out how they will remove a thermometer that has been inside a woman's lung for 44 years. The Hunan province doctors said they found the 2-inch-long medical thermometer in the lungs of a patient identified only as Liu and she told them she accidentally swallowed the object when she was 12-years-old and her family couldn't afford medical care, MSNBC.com reported Thursday. Doctors said the woman only recently began to feel discomfort from the thermometer and they are concerned about the damage the mercury could do to the woman's body if the glass breaks. *-- Deer rescues woman from attack --* OXFORD, Ohio - Police in Ohio said a startled deer became an accidental hero when it scared off a man who was attempting to choke a woman and drag her away. Oxford Police Sgt. Jon Varley said the woman left a party early Sunday in the 500 block of Poplar Street and a man "tried to choke her and drag her" by her purse straps and "told her to be quiet," The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Thurs- day. Varley said a deer that was apparently sleeping nearby suddenly jumped up and started running, causing the assailant to become spooked and flee. Varley said the woman suffered red marks and bruising from being choked and punched in the forehead but did not require medical treatment. *-- Defendant's pants fall down in court --* CLEVELAND - An Ohio judge ordered a public defender to hold up his client's pants so he could be sworn in to plead guilty. Cuyahoga County Common Pleas Judge Brendan Sheehan ordered Jeffrey Dodson, 51, who had spent 72 days in jail awaiting trial and was not allowed a belt for his court appearance, to raise his right hand to be sworn in and the handcuffs he was wearing forced him to lift both hands, allowing his pants to fall to the floor, The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer reported Monday. Sheehan ordered the public defender to hold up his client's plants and Dodson pleaded guilty to pandering charges. Dodson is scheduled to be sentenced this week. *-- Zamboni driver charged with driving drunk --* APPLE VALLEY, Minn. - Police in Minnesota said a man seen erratically driving a Zamboni at an ice rink had a blood- alcohol content of 0.32 percent. The Apple Valley city attorney's office said police were called to the Hayes Ice Arena shortly after 8 p.m. Jan. 30 on a report of a man erratically driving the ice-smoothing machine and hitting the boards while resurfacing the ice between youth games, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Monday. The driver, Joel Bruss, 34, told officers he had been drinking at his home earlier in the evening and had driven himself to the ice rink. He agreed to a urine test around 10 p.m. and was found to have a blood-alcohol content of 0.32 percent, four times the legal limit for driving, police said. Bruss has now been charged with four counts of drunken driving and is due to appear in court April 19. He has prior drunken driving convictions from 2002 and 1999, court records show. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Linda :) (.,------...__ _.'" `. .' .' `, `. `. ` . .' .'/''--...__`. \ . .--.`. ' "-. '. | '' .' _.' .()) .--":/ ''( \_\ ' (()( ''._' ( \ ' ' `. `--' ' `.: . `-.___.' ' `. . _ _ .' ) .____.-' .'`. (--.. .' \ /\ / / `. .' \( \ /|/ `. .' \__/ `. / | o | \ | | | jro >Children and Grandparents 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.... 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child." 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog. SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY! --- ...You're Right about that! LOL! Thanks Linda! ========================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: ## _[]_ [____] .----' '----. .===| .==. |===. \ | /####\ | / / | \####/ | \ '===| `""` |===' .===| .==. |===. \ | /::::\ | / / | \::::/ | \ '===| `""` |===' .===| .==. |===. \ | /&&&&\ | / / | \&&&&/ | \ '===| `""` |===' jgs '--.______.--' I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?" -<>- I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal." "In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly." [Contributed to Reader's Digest.] -<>- A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?" -<>- { { } }_{ __{ .-{ } }-. ( } { ) |`-.._____..-'| | ;--. | (__ \ | | ) ) | |/ / | / / -Felix Lee- | ( / \ y' `-.._____..-' Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes. One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?" -<>- Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD. About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP. -<>- { } } { { { } } } }{ { { }{ } } ( }{ }{ { ) .-{ } }-. ( ( } { } { } ) |`-.._____..-'| | ;--. | (__) (__ \ | (oo) | ) ) | \/ |/ / | / / -Felix Lee- (Decorative)- | ( / \ y' `-.._____..-' The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand. "And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?" "Yes," she answered. "Come to think of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him." "And, when was that?" "When he asked for the second cup." ========================================================== >-->From The Jokester: ____ .--`` _``--. /`- __- -\ \ \\`'. // /` `\ \ \\ \ \ / /.` `. \ \ _\'. .-. |// ,,, `._.-` `'.-. / \/ .'` `'. .'` `'. \ / \ /` /=. |/ .--. \/ .--. \ _ `\ /` \ | / ` || / ` | /-& `\ `\ .'-: | : || | : -'. /` `\ | '\ '/ \\ ..` | /` `\ \ (_ `--'` ~~ `'--` _) / /` (_) `--..________..--` (_) `-.___ `-==-` ___.-` /; `-.____.-` `\ /; # \ /: ^ _.-$ \ |# |=====----` _.|# | | _|&====----'` |# | |_.` |##? | `._| | |## | | \_.-``.? .``-._/ | /\ \ / /\ | \ \ `. ____ |` / / \_\ _ /_/ | ` ^ | |# / \ |# |# `. |# |# | .` |# | |? \% \ |# | : --- | |_________| | \ / \ / )(_(_( \ / ) _) _/(__\ >Henny Youngman Classics I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!" Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...." "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt. A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!" Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings. My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything." A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday." A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking." A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. ============================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Drink Responsibly http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/drink.html Notes To God http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/cnotes.html Hmor With Our Troops 2 http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/humor2.html TSA's Calendar Gals http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tsa.html Chalk Art 4 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/chalkart4.html Matchstick Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/matchstick.html All Occasion Cakes 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/aocakes2.html Baby Squirrel Finnegan http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/finnegan.html Humor In Politics 5 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/politics5.html Limos In US History http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/limos.html Play With Harley http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/harley.html When Sandman Attacks http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sandman.html -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Melva/R&R 2 http://silverandgoldandthee.net/Mu/50/M_2.html BROTHER BOB'S POEMS OF THE WEEK http://ministry-webs.com/ministry/brotherbob/ Ken w/ A Family Reunion http://www.gospelman.net/kenssongs/thefamilyreunion.html Create printable flyers online http://www.band-flyers.com/ Watch Horror Movies Online For Free http://www.fearnet.com/ Visit Melissa's Online Store You can get anything you want (except for Melissa ) at the online store http://pdhomes.net/mall/babylissa/mySTORES/ISELL4.html If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "So I go to the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. 'Those Twizzlers look good, do you have financial aid?'" --David Spade "I wanted one more remote control unit in my life. I want twelve of those suckers lined up on the coffee table-- bring the friends over and go, 'See those? I don't know how to work any of them. Zero for twelve.'" --Paul Reiser "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names. They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge "We are in Toronto this week! Here in Canada the rapper Fifty Cent is known as Seventy-Five Cents." --Conan O'Brien "It's like I was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard tower: 'Son of a bang! Son of a boom!' I get to the top of the wall, the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away. I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!" --George, describing his break-up to Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend" "There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex." --Bob Smith We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." --Mark Twain "I could put your face in some dough and make me some gorilla cookies!" --Fred to Esther on Sanford and Son >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************