How Old Are You And More ... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ >-->In The 'Shangy' New :) >Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) This hottie comes from forwards from both our friends Viv and Wesley. Absolutely amazing what is being made in the form of sweet yummy cakes! Check them out here... _____ _..--'''@ @'''--.._ .' @_/-//-\/>/>'/ @ '. ( @ /_- >>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<< [POLITICS] ,,, _,_ _@_ _(_ _?_ >*< _/. .\_ _/- -\_ _/, ,\_ _/' '\_ _/a a\_ _/. .\_ (.\_o_/.) (.\_-_/.) (,\_e_/') (.\_^_/.) (.\_~_/') (.\_c_/.) (.`,.`'.') (.`,.'.'.) (.`'.,'.') ('.,'.`'.) (.'.,'.`.) (.,'.,'',) ('.`,'`,) ('.`,'',) ('.','.`) ('.,'.',) ('.,'.`.) (',.'`.,) ('.`,'`) ('.','`) (.'.,'.) ('.`.,') ('.','') (.'.'.') jgs `--'"` `--'"` `--'"` `--'"' `--'"' `--'"' >From Reader MB: "You honestly can't be implying that our president came from a foreign country........again..........can you?! (the patriot microchip) Stop beating a dead horse! He was born in Hawaii.........proven and true!" --- ...Hey, I just give the links and let people decide for themselves. Here's a good one for why people are questioning his nationality: American's response to our first “I will always stand by the Muslims” president: OBAMA, during his Cairo speech, said: "I know, too, that Islam has always been a part of America's story." AN AMERICAN CITIZEN'S RESPONSE http://www.jewishindy.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=11885 "Can't we just let this guy take care of business and stop all this nasty back stabbing?" --- ...That's the problem, if he would do the 'will of the people', we'd not be so upset. But he has his own agenda and doesn't care that the majority of Americans do NOT want: * the planned parenthood funding - he did it any way * the stimulus bill{s) - he passed them any way * the climate bill - he passed it any way and the last straw... * the health bill - he passed it any way "Where were all of you when G.W. was our' president selling our' country out to China and "I have the capital and I know how to spend it"...... quote..unquote!" --- ...The Tea Party people have a quote too - Obama with all his outrageous actions that do not coincide with the will of the vast majority of the American people has done one thing that is good for our county - 'He has awoke the sleeping giant'! "Where were all of you when G.W. left office with trillions of dollars in debt we were left with?" --- ...Here's the fact of the matter of the 'blame it on Bush' Obama problem: US Federal Budget Deficit: Year Deficit 1996 -107 1997 -22 1998 -69 1999 -125 2000 -236 Yes, When G.W.Bush took office with the war, he ran the Deficit up - He Almost DOUBLED it in the 8 years he was in office: 2001 -128 2002 -157 2003 -377 2004 -412 2005 -318 2006 -248 2007 -160 2008 -454 So what did Obama do when he took office? He TRIPLED the deficit he inherited from Bush - all in ONE YEAR: 2009 -1,415 And NOW Obama is expected to Quadruple it! 2010 -1,652 (estimated) After Tripling Deficit in 2009 Obama On Track to Nearly Quadruple Bush Deficit in 2010 http://tinyurl.com/y9f2oc2 "Where were all of you when we entered a war on false pretenses and another war right after? All I heard was 'you're either with us or against us'." --- ...I don't call 9-01-01 entering into a war on false pretenses - those who struck down innocent people on US soil started the war! And an evil dictator who year after year after year defies the UN and thinks he's way too great to comply to the rest of the world is just asking for war out of principal. What shall we do? Wait till we get nuked before we decide to action? We can't just sit on our hands forever and let people stick out their tongues at us and not make good on what we say our course of action will be. It is like telling a child no and not doing anything to enforce it. The child gets arrogant and thinks they can do anything and hurt any body they please. That is how Saddam Hussein was. Out of control. A big danger to his people he ruled over and to the rest of the world. Had he simply complied with the UN he would of avoided it. "I'll take Obama anyday!" --- ...To each his/her own MB. That's what's so great about our nation. Freedom to choose our President and those who represent us in Congress. AND when they DON'T represent us - freedom to Vote Them Out! This is what Obama has done for us so far MB: _ _.-'`-._ _ ;.'________'.; _________n.[____________].n_________ |""_""_""_""||==||==||==||""_""_""_""] |"""""""""""||..||..||..||"""""""""""| |LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI| |.. .. .. ..||..||..||..||.. .. .. ..| |LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI| ,,;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;,;;;,;;;,;;,, ;;jgs;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Poll: Nearly 80% of Americans Don't Trust Washington Under Obama Administration http://tinyurl.com/y5383fs ================================================================== >-->From The FunnyBone: The Personality Test A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test. .-'''''-. "How does this glass of water look to you?" |'-----'| Person 1: It is half empty |-.....-| Student writes 'pessimist' in his report. |::. | |::. | Person 2 enters the room. |:::. | |::::. | "How does this glass of water look to you?" |::::::.| Person 2: It is half full. jgs `'-----'` Student writes 'optimist' in his report Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there. The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor. "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality." =================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Sandi :) >George Carlin on age 102. ) (.) .|. l8J | | _.--| |--._ .-'; ;`-'& ; `&. & & ; & ; ; \ HOW OLD ARE YOU? \ ; & &_/ F"""---...---"""J | | | | | | | | | J | | | | | | | F `---.|.|.|.---' Krogg (Absolutely Brilliant) IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON. George Carlin's Views on Ageing Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.' Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! _ / } /'.\ _/ ) (`- ( ,) |/ /| ' ` Elb >HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them' 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is GOD. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refugeand heaven your destiny. Yes We Can! 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. Make an opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. And if you don't send this to at least 10 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!! LIVE!! -<>- (.,------...__ _.'" `. .' .' `, `. `. ` . .' .'/''--...__`. \ . .--.`. ' "-. '. | '' .' _.' .()) .--":/ ''( \_\ ' (()( ''._' ( \ ' ' `. `--' ' `.: . `-.___.' ' `. . _ _ .' ) .____.-' .'`. (--.. .' \ /\ / / `. .' \( \ /|/ `. .' \__/ `. / | o | \ | | | jro >Little Larry! A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' -<>- Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' -<>- The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' -<>- Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.....' If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! --- ...HaHa! Thanks Sandi! ================================================================= >-->From Our Friend Wesley :) In conversation, my adult son Larry expressed concern about my future. Confident in my children's love, I announced, "I'm not going to worry about old age. I have four kids, and I'll just spend three months with each one." "Yes," Larry replied, "but what are you going to do the second year?" _ _____________________________________ _ / )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \ / / | tellswor@kcbx.net | \ \ _( (_ | http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor | _) )_ (((\ \>|_/ )_____________________________( \_|-->In The WorldlyNews: {POLITICS} >From Christian Coalition Of America: National Day of Prayer Ruled "Unconstitutional" Here we go again... In what would surely be a surprise to the Founding Fathers who gave us our Constitution, a federal judge in Wisconsin has ruled that the National Day of Prayer is "unconstitutional". (READ MORE) http://www.cc.org/blog/national_day_prayer_ruled_quotunconstitutionalquot Members of Congress to Lose Insurance Due to ObamaCare? In what is probably one of the funniest and most deliciously ironic side-effects of ObamaCare, the New York Times reports that, buried deep in the 2,700 plus pages of the bill, there is language that would appear to kick members of Congress off of their current government insurance plans and put them into the new "exchanges" that the bill created. The problem? Well, the exchanges don't exist... but the bill is now the law of the land... (READ MORE) http://www.cc.org/blog/members_congress_lose_insurance_due_obamacare >From Patriot Update: 'CAP AND TAX' IS BACK! Senate climate bill to be unveiled April 26 http://tinyurl.com/yytvgqn -<>- >From BizarreNews: Folks, here is a story that is literally of monumental pro- portions. A British man kayaked, pedaled, walked, swam and skated to become the first person to circumnavigate the globe by human muscle alone. Jason Lewis, 40, shunned motor and sail to travel 45,505 miles in a quest that ended last week when he pulled his pedal boat across the Meridian line at the Royal Observ- atory in Greenwich. The epic journey took him 13 years, two months, 23 days and 11 hours. Lewis capsized in two oceans, was chased by a crocodile in Australia, had two bouts of malaria, surgery for two hernias and nearly died of blood poisoning 1,300 miles off Hawaii. He also suffered acute altitude sickness in the Himalayas, broke both legs when he was hit by a car in Colorado and was arrested as a spy in Egypt. "It's been a big, long journey. It's good to be back," a thin, leathered and weeping Lewis said simply as he crossed the finish line. Just incredible. And I feel like I've accomplished something when I force myself to walk the four blocks to the post office and back. Bizarrely,Lewis -- Kids make duct tape clothes for charity --------- PEORIA, Ill. - Students at an Illinois school created about 500 duct tape clothing items and accessories to be sold for a breast cancer research charity. The students at Hines Primary School in Peoria created duct tape items including shirts, vests, ties, hats, visors and purses for the May 6 Duct Tape Fashion Show, which will feature a sale of the items to benefit the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, the Peoria (Ill.) Journal Star reported Thursday. "I think it is wonderful and heart-warming to see the solutions and things the children have found they can do to help," said Carolyn Nunn, assistant principal at the school and a breast cancer survivor who finished her treat- ments earlier this year. "They can't take away the cancer, but they can do things, like lend support in this way, or say kind words to show they care." Terry Spayer, the school's art teacher, designed the project with help from Pat Townsend, 66, a grandparent and volunteer with the Peoria Citizen Committee for Economic Opportunity. -- Tenn. city elects dead man mayor ------------- TRACY CITY, Tenn. - Election officials in a Tennessee county said a town elected a deceased candidate mayor in a landslide -- 268 votes to the incumbent's 85. Donna Basham, administrator of the Grundy County Election Commission, said Tracy City voters elected Carl Robin Geary, who died suddenly a few weeks ago, over Mayor Barbara Brock, who took office about a year ago after the death of the last mayor, WTVC-TV, Chattanooga, Tenn., reported Thursday. Basham said Geary's death was widely reported in the town. She would not speculate as to the reasons for his posthumous victory. The administrator said the city council will appoint a mayor to serve a four-year term. -- Va. panel keeps license plates clean ---------- RICHMOND, Va. - Members of the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles' "Word Committee" said they meet once a month to try to keep dirty words off vanity license plates. Committee members, all employees of the depart- ment, said they meet on the second Tuesday of every month and scrutinize applications for personalized license plates to make sure they do not contain concealed profanity or references to drugs, alcohol, gangs or crime, The (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Monday. Melanie Stokes, who sits on the committee and serves as the department's head of public relations, said a computer program weeds out the obvious banned combinations of letters and numbers before the committee, made up of people from all demographics, looks over those still in question. "Our job is to look at the combination as if it's driving down the road," Stokes said. "We discuss what it could be, and one person's interpretation can be very different from another's." Stokes said some of the less-profane submissions rejected by the committee include BITETHS, IHAV2P, LVVODKA, PMPNVAN, IGETHI, NOGOD and AHCRAAP. -- Teen makes prom dress from gum wrappers --------- GARNER, Iowa - An Iowa teenager preparing for her junior prom said she will be attending the event in a dress she created from hundreds of gum wrappers. Elizabeth Rasmuson said the colored wrappers of Wrigley's 5 gum inspired her to create a jacket from the wrappers last year and the success of that project led her to create a dress for next weekend's prom at Garner-Hayfield High School in Garner, KIMT-TV, Mason City, Iowa, reported Tuesday. Rasmuson said she began collecting wrappers in August and lost count of how many went into her dress at about 200. Rasmuson's boy- friend, Jordan Weaver, used gum wrappers to create a vest to match his date's dress. Dawn Rasmuson, the girl's mother, said she is proud of her daughter's accomplish- ment. "I think it's really admirable for her. I mean she's a junior in high school and in today's world a lot of the girls are worried about fitting in; they don't want to stand out for wrong reason so it's really cool and so unique," she said. --- ...Wow! That would take a lot of wrappers! I remember my sister making belts with the wrappers when she was a kid. I also remember a throw rug being made wih them too. A lot of work! Hard to imagine a dress! Geesh! ================================================================== >-->From Our Friend Viv :) [POLITICS] Maxine Waters, representing Southern California , has never been known as the brightest congresswoman, however, she says it all in this clip. This clip is showing Congresswoman Maxine Waters discussing drilling for new oil reserves. She explains, in a slip of the tongue, what this whole thing is all about. Whoops! She let it all slip out!.. NOW... What can you say? (notice the reaction of the people around her) This clip is about as blatant as a Liberal can get. What she said was The Truth, accidentally, and notice that when she realized what she revealed to the public and the news media, it stopped her dead in her own tracks for a long moment. BUT it was too late. Just hope the country wakes up in the 2010 elections!!!... She leaked out: Obama's Scary Agenda. I don't think it is possible for Too Many Americans to see this video, and I hope you feel the same way. Please send it Far and Wide across America, and send it along as fast as possible. Thanks... http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/8856721/1300479106/name/InTheirOwnWords.wmv --- ...OK! Thanks Viv! ==================================================================== >-->From ScreamOfTheCrop: _____ /`.---.`\ / /.---.\ \ ; |/ e e \| ; ; \| ^ |/ | | \_=_/ | |.-"` `"-.| / `'-...-'` \ | | | , | \ './|\.' / ;._(/:\)_.; || : : || || ; : || || : : || || '.' || || + || || || || || |'-.___.-'| | | '-.__ __.-' jgs (_/`\_) Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station hoping to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she was welcome to wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas. and spotted a bedpan that she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan back to the station, filled it with gas, and carefully carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched in amazement from across the street. Finally one of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!" -<>- Q. What does humility have to do with "humble pie"? A. In old England, the intestines of animals were known as "umbles". After a hunt, the upper class would keep the meat as their own and give the entrails to their servants. It was traditional for the lower class folk to make a pie out of the innards, and the "umble pie" became known as "humble pie" because of their low position in life. Q. How long was the longest softball game ever played? A. 365 innings. In a benefit event for the Monticello, New York, Community General Hospital, the Gager's Diner softball team began playing the Bend'n Elbow Tavern at 10am on August 14th, 1976. The game was called because of rain and fog at 4pm August 15th. $4,000 was raised. Oh, the Gagers won, 491-467. Q. When you argue with a fool, what is he doing? A. The same thing. Q. What was President Truman's middle name? A. Harry S Truman didn't have a middle name, only a middle initial. He was supposed to be named Harrison Shippe Truman, taking the middle name of his paternal grandfather. Others in the family wanted the middle name to be Solomon, taken from his maternal grandfather. Agreement could not be reached and so it was recorded as simply "S", with no period. -<>- >Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud) 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai 5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King 12) Our meeting was rescheduled........Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu -<>- >Adventures of an Elderly Couple... While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........ "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card." _, `(. )- `` )/, '\\ =/= ))) \\ < D/ \\ e_ / \\_ __\ \____ / 7// )/` /\ |(_/ ) (/ ( \ '_/\ \ \ ^\ /\ \__/ \______|<-_\ )_7___\ )_/ /` ( \ / \_ / '\/\ | / , | | | | | | * | | | * | | | * | ' | ``, | | | + + # |___/|___/ ___|/ ?____ /( )\ / | U ) \_ /^/ \^\ _/_'- /__/- /__ \_/_/ \_\ __b'ger__ -<>- .-=-. ////"\\ .=. ( 6 6 ) //"\\ \ - / (/6 6\) _.) (._ )\ = /(-` `:` `\ _(_ ) ( _)-| : |\ \ (_/ `\_/` \ | : |/ / / (_ @ _) \\_ : _/ / \ \)___(/ / |===|_) \/`"""`\/ | L | | | | | | | | | | | |_____| | | | ||| | | | ||| | | | ||| |_|_| jgs / Y \ / T \ `"`"` `"`"` >A woman's guide to understanding men... 1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf. 3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?" 7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. -<>- >Catskill Humor / Classic Jewish Humor You may remember (if you're old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of days gone by: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word was ever used in their comedy routines. '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' Here are some examples: `````````````````````````````````` There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." A bum asks a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responds, "When's payday?" The bum says, "I don't know! You're the one who's working!" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES Owned by Shara Smock, Visit the home of Scream of the Crop http://www.screamofthecrop.com, from USA, Florida's Space Coast ==================================================================== >-->From SermondFodder: _ ///-._ ////////-._ /////////////-. ////////////////`. //////////////// .'`. //////////////// . '.'`. '|`'//////////// . .'.::|` : `'/////// . '.':| | . . `'// ' _|- ::| |. .-._ . | . | .':: | |:|:| | ' ' '.::| | |:|:| :. . .'.':| | . |:|:| . | .._.::: : `':| | ' ////-:| |. . | '/////////-._ | . . : .//////////////-._ : : ///////////////////-._ |. |////////////////////////-._ | . . :`'//////////////////////////-._ | . _.-\\\\``'//////////////////////////-._ | /\\\\\\\\..``'//////////////////////////". : . . /. \\\\\\\\\. .``'///////////////////// .'`. : / _ \\\\\\\\\. ``'//////////////// . .'`. | . / (@) \\\\\\\\\. . . ``'/////////// . '.'::|. {`)._ '| _` .\\\\\\\-`:|#| . . ``'////// '. .'.:| `-{_/`| ||::. \\'`.:|:.|#| |#| . ``'/ ' .##:'::: `-| ||||| |`.'::|::|#| |#| |#| . . '| . .|##|'.:| pils | ||||| : .'::|:.'#| |#| |#| |#| | |##|'::| | ||||| .| .'.:|::.'' '#| |#| |#| . : ' |##|'.:| {`\:|||| : .'::|:_.:. . '#| |#| | .|##|'::: `-{_/'|_ |_.-'/}_/'-._ '#| :. |##:'.:| `'{._('}_)-' `-}_}(-._ . . | ' '` .'::| `-' `-.} /-._ . : .'.'_:-'\ `-}_}(-._ | . _.-')_(-' `-/_)`-.:.-{ \{-' `-{_'_)-'' ^ >The Sermon Fodder ULTIMATE Blesseds List Some funny. Some serious. All thoughtful. Blessed are those who truly listen and see, for then their ears are not full of wax nor their eyes filled with dust. Blessed are the pastors who have 3rd and 4th closings, for they shall always have "just 5 more minutes". Blessed are the Internet junkies, for their time shalt be a net loss. Blessed are those who build bridges, for they shalt get over it. Blessed are those who recycle motor oil, for they shall be refined. Blessed is the TV weatherman, for he shalt talk up a storm. Blessed are the undertakers, for they shalt be the last to let you down. Blessed are they who knit their own hosiery, for they shalt not get a run for their money. Blessed are the auctioneers, for they shall look forbidding. Blessed are the breadmakers, for they shalt rise to the occasion. Blessed are the nuns, for they shall have no bad habits. Blessed are those who stop horseback riding, for they shalt be full of woe. Blessed are the thrifty deer hunters, for they shalt get more bang for their buck. Blessed are the ministers who make mistakes, for it shall only be a clerical error. Blessed are the unionized church workers, for they shalt bargain in good faith. Blessed are the watchmakers, for they shalt work overtime. Blessed are the religious nuclear engineers, for they shalt have critical mass. Blessed are students in Christian schools, for they shalt have good Principals. Blessed are the poor losers, for they shalt continue to diet. Blessed are those who are multi-lingual, for they shalt be misunderstood in many languages. Blessed are those who are in medical school, for they shall become ill-literate. Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shalt be nobody's fool. Blessed are the drama students, for they shalt be a class act. Blessed are the bridesmaids, for they shalt be wedding belles. Blessed are the landscapers, for they shalt be bushed. Blessed are the gymnasts, for they shalt always do good turns. Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed. Blessed are the orchard growers, for their work shall not be fruitless. Blessed are they who avoid their in-laws, for they shalt not be relatively annoyed. Blessed are the candy-makers, for they shalt make a mint. Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of the iceberg. Blessed are they who own horses, for they shalt have stability. Blessed are they who play tennis, for love means nothing to them. Blessed are they that wrap leftovers, for they shalt be foiled again. Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income. Blessed are the musicians, for they shalt be noteworthy. Blessed are those who are tailors, for they shalt be suited for it. Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to concentrate. Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shalt be bi-sectual. Blessed is he who stops smoking, for he shalt be a quitter. Blessed is he who has a word processor, for his words shalt be minced. Blessed are those who watch the stars, for their work shalt be astronomical. Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt be a good roll model. Blessed are they who make it through April, for they shalt be in dismay. Blessed is he who plows in a straight furrow, for he shall be in a rut. Blessed are they who give hugs; for they are truly appreciated (more than they'll ever know). Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the call wherever they are. Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace. Blessed are those who refrain from alcohol, for they shall remain sober. Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong funnybones. Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief. Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site. Blessed are the piemakers, for they shall generate fellowship. Blessed are those who attend church regularly, for they shall be pewed. Blessed art those who pray in King James English, for thou shalt surely speaketh in clarity. Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall always have a job. Blessed are those who resist temptation at the smorgasbord, for they shall be buffeted. Blessed are those who listen intently during sermons, for their understanding is great. Blessed are those who can give without remembering, for they shall not be forgotten. Blessed are those who donate organs, for they are giving the gift of life. Blessed are those who receive donated organs for they have restored health. Blessed are those who shop, for they shalt be spent. Blessed are those who drill, for they shalt not be bored. Blessed are bald men, for they shalt not have toupee for hair cuts. Blessed are those who are magnets, for they shall find each other attractive. Blessed are those who have allergies for they shalt be scratched. Blessed are the dermatologists, for they shall not be rash. Blessed are the neurologists, for they shalt have a lot of nerve. Blessed are the obstetricians. for their labors shall not be in vain. Blessed are the ophthalmologists, for they shalt not be shortsighted. Blessed are the pediatricians, for they shall have many children. Blessed are the psychiatrists, for they shall be couched. Blessed are the radiologists, for they shall have it all on film. Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shalt put a whole new face on things. Blessed are the podiatrists, for they shalt have a leg to stand on. Blessed are the cardiologists, for they shalt have a lot of heart. Blessed are the electricians, for they shall remove your shorts. Blessed are the optometrists, for they shall see you coming. Blessed are the taxidermists, for they shall know their stuff. Blessed are those who work in muffler shops, for they shall hear you coming. Blessed are those who work in bowling alleys for they shalt hear a pin drop. Blessed are those who make pizzas for they shall have lots of dough. Blessed are the hard of hearing for they shall miss all the small talk. Blessed are those who cook, for they shalt be at home on the range. Blessed are those who fail, for they shall be a good example for others not to follow. Blessed are those who are a little cracked---for the Redeeming Light pours through them. Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won't have to eat them later. Blessed are the prophets, for the blind shall see through their eyes. Blessed are those who are open to commitment for they shall be fulfilled. Blessed are those who are soft hearted, for they shall be comfortable! Blessed are they that go in circles for they shall be called wheels. Blessed are those who are short, for they shall stand on ladders! Blessed are the brief, for they shalt have lower phone bills. Blessed are those who sing in the choir, for they shall be noted. Blessed are those who do things anonymously, for they shall be found out. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Blessed are those who build ladders for they shall give others a step up.. Blessed are the leaders who have not sought the high place, but who have been drafted into service because of their ability and willingness to serve. Blessed are people who know where they are going, for they shall not make U-turns. Blessed are the dictators, for they shall keep stenographers employed. Blessed are those who spend time listening to an elder's tales of long ago, for they shall inherit pearls of wisdom. Blessed are those who lead by example, for they shall be mocked. Blessed are the leaders who travel on interstate highways, for they shall follow road signs. Blessed are those who have their heads in the clouds, for they shall be able to predict the weather. Blessed are those who ride bicycles for that shall have balance. Blessed is the chicken that crossed the road, for she shall be poultry in motion. Blessed are those who sing, for they shall find the key. Copyright 2002- the Sermon Fodder List and Joke A Day Ministries. To join go to www.sermonfodder.com or drop and email to Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. Please leave this attached if you forward this to friends. ================================================================== >-->From CleanLaffs: %%% %% %%%.%%. <)_/\ /| ___(_,_),_)|___ || // \ / ||rs Differences between men and women 1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. 4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument. 6.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 8. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 9. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 10. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. -<>- The brillant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm shot above his head. -<>- | | | _ | | <_> | | | | | `-._ | |`-._| | | _________________________________|____ `-._ `-._ | `-._ `-._ | kat `-._ `-._ Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken. "No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I come alone." "Why don't you invite a friend?" "I can't. They're all at the funeral." -<>- A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ BORN 5694 DIED 5733 A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER. The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier -- he was the best!" ============================================================= >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Real Drug Raid http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/drugraid.html Medical Health Test http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/medical.html Rules For Raising Children http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rulesforchildren.html Miniture Wonderland http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/modeltrain.html Typewriter Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/typeart.html Best Parents http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bestparents.html Strange Hotels http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hotel.html Taking a Catnap 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catnap2.html -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) personalized st. louis cardinals louisville slugger bat! http://tinyurl.com/y6bcc7u free printable certificates http://tinyurl.com/y4p8je8 what's in your bag ? http://tinyurl.com/y4xkzco 25 Hottest Urban Legends http://www.snopes.com/info/top25uls.asp ripped : andrew zuckerman http://tinyurl.com/k7xuz --- ...Most Beautiful Bird! Thanks Wesley! -<>- From LynnLynn's Links: Lucky 2 http://www.buffaloschips.com/gsdhdjd.htm Lucky 3 http://www.buffaloschips.com/ghsjs.htm Lucky 4 http://www.buffaloschips.com/gshslkssjs.htm Magic 1320 http://www.buffaloschips.com/gdhdjd.htm Magic Food http://www.buffaloschips.com/gdhdjssaa.htm Bunker http://www.buffaloschips.com/2i3ojr2.htm Bunny Egg http://www.buffaloschips.com/jhyug.htm Bus & Cop http://www.buffaloschips.com/87y89.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com =============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on." -Jimmy Fallon "Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon." -Craig Ferguson "According to a new study, children who are spanked are twice as likely as those that aren't spanked to get into fights and destroy things — which is probably why they get spanked in the first place." -Jimmy Kimmel "There's a new technique that lets doctors perform kidney transplants in 45 minutes. Because when you're getting a kidney transplant, your main concern is always, 'How long is this gonna take? Can you do it in less than an hour?'" -Jimmy Fallon "An Irish airline has announced that it will charge $1.50 to use the toilet on the airplane. A lot of people will find a whole new use for the airsick bag." -Jay Leno "KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not? We all have free health insurance." -Craig Ferguson >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->Pass this on as it should be of interrest to all who served. The study was carried out in Austrialia on their Vietnam Veterans. ABC Nat. Radio Health Report Autralian Vietnam Vets: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/HealthReportVV.mp3 VV ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************