How Old Are You And More ... :) Shangy!
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Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an
adult club in the love and romance directory so
you will have to confirm that you are an adult
when you go here. I still have no idea how to change
this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try!
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================
>-->In The 'Shangy' New :)
>Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :)
This hottie comes from forwards from both our friends Viv
and Wesley. Absolutely amazing what is being made in the
form of sweet yummy cakes! Check them out here...
_____
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( @ /_/<'/----------^-)
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|~ ''--..@|',|}}}}}}}}}}}|
| ~ ~ |/ |###########|
| ~~ ~ ~|./|{{{{{{{{{{{|
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jrei ''--.~.|/
All Occasion Cakes
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/aocakes.html
---
...Aww, such a fun one! Thanks Viv and Wesley!
-<>-
>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<
[POLITICS]
,,, _,_ _@_ _(_ _?_ >*<
_/. .\_ _/- -\_ _/, ,\_ _/' '\_ _/a a\_ _/. .\_
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('.`,'`,) ('.`,'',) ('.','.`) ('.,'.',) ('.,'.`.) (',.'`.,)
('.`,'`) ('.','`) (.'.,'.) ('.`.,') ('.','') (.'.'.')
jgs `--'"` `--'"` `--'"` `--'"' `--'"' `--'"'
>From Reader MB:
"You honestly can't be implying that our president came from a foreign
country........again..........can you?! (the patriot microchip)
Stop beating a dead horse! He was born in Hawaii.........proven and
true!"
---
...Hey, I just give the links and let people decide for themselves.
Here's a good one for why people are questioning his nationality:
American's response to our first “I will always stand by the Muslims”
president: OBAMA, during his Cairo speech, said: "I know, too, that
Islam has always been a part of America's story."
AN AMERICAN CITIZEN'S RESPONSE
http://www.jewishindy.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=11885
"Can't we just let this guy take care of business and stop all this
nasty back stabbing?"
---
...That's the problem, if he would do the 'will of the people', we'd
not be so upset. But he has his own agenda and doesn't care that the
majority of Americans do NOT want:
* the planned parenthood funding - he did it any way
* the stimulus bill{s) - he passed them any way
* the climate bill - he passed it any way
and the last straw...
* the health bill - he passed it any way
"Where were all of you when G.W. was our' president selling our' country
out to China and "I have the capital and I know how to spend it"......
quote..unquote!"
---
...The Tea Party people have a quote too - Obama with all his outrageous
actions that do not coincide with the will of the vast majority of the
American people has done one thing that is good for our county -
'He has awoke the sleeping giant'!
"Where were all of you when G.W. left office with trillions of dollars
in debt we were left with?"
---
...Here's the fact of the matter of the 'blame it on Bush' Obama
problem:
US Federal Budget Deficit:
Year Deficit
1996 -107
1997 -22
1998 -69
1999 -125
2000 -236
Yes, When G.W.Bush took office with the war, he ran the Deficit up -
He Almost DOUBLED it in the 8 years he was in office:
2001 -128
2002 -157
2003 -377
2004 -412
2005 -318
2006 -248
2007 -160
2008 -454
So what did Obama do when he took office?
He TRIPLED the deficit he inherited from Bush - all in ONE YEAR:
2009 -1,415
And NOW Obama is expected to Quadruple it!
2010 -1,652 (estimated)
After Tripling Deficit in 2009 Obama On Track to
Nearly Quadruple Bush Deficit in 2010
http://tinyurl.com/y9f2oc2
"Where were all of you when we entered a war on false pretenses
and another war right after? All I heard was 'you're either
with us or against us'."
---
...I don't call 9-01-01 entering into a war on false pretenses -
those who struck down innocent people on US soil started the war!
And an evil dictator who year after year after year defies the UN
and thinks he's way too great to comply to the rest of the world
is just asking for war out of principal. What shall we do? Wait
till we get nuked before we decide to action? We can't just sit on
our hands forever and let people stick out their tongues at us and
not make good on what we say our course of action will be. It is
like telling a child no and not doing anything to enforce it. The
child gets arrogant and thinks they can do anything and hurt any
body they please. That is how Saddam Hussein was. Out of control.
A big danger to his people he ruled over and to the rest of the
world. Had he simply complied with the UN he would of avoided it.
"I'll take Obama anyday!"
---
...To each his/her own MB. That's what's so great about our nation.
Freedom to choose our President and those who represent us in
Congress. AND when they DON'T represent us - freedom to Vote
Them Out!
This is what Obama has done for us so far MB:
_ _.-'`-._ _
;.'________'.;
_________n.[____________].n_________
|""_""_""_""||==||==||==||""_""_""_""]
|"""""""""""||..||..||..||"""""""""""|
|LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI|
|.. .. .. ..||..||..||..||.. .. .. ..|
|LI LI LI LI||LI||LI||LI||LI LI LI LI|
,,;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;;,;;,;;;,;;;,;;,,
;;jgs;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Poll: Nearly 80% of Americans Don't Trust Washington
Under Obama Administration
http://tinyurl.com/y5383fs
==================================================================
>-->From The FunnyBone:
The Personality Test
A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a
personality test. The room was set up with various props in order
to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter
the room started through the test.
.-'''''-.
"How does this glass of water look to you?" |'-----'|
Person 1: It is half empty |-.....-|
Student writes 'pessimist' in his report. |::. |
|::. |
Person 2 enters the room. |:::. |
|::::. |
"How does this glass of water look to you?" |::::::.|
Person 2: It is half full. jgs `'-----'`
Student writes 'optimist' in his report
Person 3 enters the room.
"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.
The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the
professor.
"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the
engineers! They have no personality."
===================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Sandi :)
>George Carlin on age 102.
)
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.-'; ;`-'& ; `&.
& & ; & ; ; \ HOW OLD ARE YOU?
\ ; & &_/
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| | | | | | | | |
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Krogg
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR
LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Ageing
Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about ageing that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... . You become
21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like
bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and
your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into
the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
_
/ }
/'.\
_/ ) (`-
( ,)
|/
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>HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's
workshop.'And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who
is with us our entire life, is GOD. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refugeand
heaven your destiny. Yes We Can!
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Make an opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 10 people - who cares? But do
share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each
day!! LIVE!!
-<>-
(.,------...__
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>Little Larry!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do
you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!'
-<>-
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with
a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
-<>-
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry
quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
-<>-
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10
most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm
buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy.. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the
UPS guy wants to buy Mom.....'
If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with
a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends!
---
...HaHa! Thanks Sandi!
=================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Wesley :)
In conversation, my adult son Larry expressed concern about my
future. Confident in my children's love, I announced, "I'm not going
to worry about old age. I have four kids, and I'll just spend three
months with each one."
"Yes," Larry replied, "but what are you going to do the second year?"
_ _____________________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | tellswor@kcbx.net | \ \
_( (_ | http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )_____________________________( \_| /)))
\\\\ \_/ / If it weren't for marriage, \ \_/ ////
\ / men would go through life \ /
\ _/ thinking they had \_ /
/ / no faults at all. \ \
---
...LOL! Thanks Wesley!
===================================================================
>-->In The WorldlyNews:
{POLITICS}
>From Christian Coalition Of America:
National Day of Prayer Ruled "Unconstitutional"
Here we go again... In what would surely be a surprise to the Founding
Fathers who gave us our Constitution, a federal judge in Wisconsin has
ruled that the National Day of Prayer is "unconstitutional". (READ MORE)
http://www.cc.org/blog/national_day_prayer_ruled_quotunconstitutionalquot
Members of Congress to Lose Insurance Due to ObamaCare?
In what is probably one of the funniest and most deliciously ironic
side-effects of ObamaCare, the New York Times reports that, buried deep
in the 2,700 plus pages of the bill, there is language that would appear
to kick members of Congress off of their current government insurance
plans and put them into the new "exchanges" that the bill created.
The problem? Well, the exchanges don't exist... but the bill is now the
law of the land... (READ MORE)
http://www.cc.org/blog/members_congress_lose_insurance_due_obamacare
>From Patriot Update:
'CAP AND TAX' IS BACK!
Senate climate bill to be unveiled April 26
http://tinyurl.com/yytvgqn
-<>-
>From BizarreNews:
Folks, here is a story that is literally of monumental pro-
portions. A British man kayaked, pedaled, walked, swam and
skated to become the first person to circumnavigate the
globe by human muscle alone.
Jason Lewis, 40, shunned motor and sail to travel 45,505
miles in a quest that ended last week when he pulled his
pedal boat across the Meridian line at the Royal Observ-
atory in Greenwich.
The epic journey took him 13 years, two months, 23 days and
11 hours.
Lewis capsized in two oceans, was chased by a crocodile in
Australia, had two bouts of malaria, surgery for two hernias
and nearly died of blood poisoning 1,300 miles off Hawaii.
He also suffered acute altitude sickness in the Himalayas,
broke both legs when he was hit by a car in Colorado and was
arrested as a spy in Egypt.
"It's been a big, long journey. It's good to be back," a thin,
leathered and weeping Lewis said simply as he crossed the
finish line.
Just incredible. And I feel like I've accomplished something
when I force myself to walk the four blocks to the post office
and back.
Bizarrely,Lewis
-- Kids make duct tape clothes for charity ---------
PEORIA, Ill. - Students at an Illinois school created
about 500 duct tape clothing items and accessories to
be sold for a breast cancer research charity. The students
at Hines Primary School in Peoria created duct tape items
including shirts, vests, ties, hats, visors and purses
for the May 6 Duct Tape Fashion Show, which will feature a
sale of the items to benefit the Susan G. Komen Race for
the Cure, the Peoria (Ill.) Journal Star reported Thursday.
"I think it is wonderful and heart-warming to see the
solutions and things the children have found they can do
to help," said Carolyn Nunn, assistant principal at the
school and a breast cancer survivor who finished her treat-
ments earlier this year. "They can't take away the cancer,
but they can do things, like lend support in this way, or
say kind words to show they care." Terry Spayer, the
school's art teacher, designed the project with help from
Pat Townsend, 66, a grandparent and volunteer with the
Peoria Citizen Committee for Economic Opportunity.
-- Tenn. city elects dead man mayor -------------
TRACY CITY, Tenn. - Election officials in a Tennessee
county said a town elected a deceased candidate mayor
in a landslide -- 268 votes to the incumbent's 85. Donna
Basham, administrator of the Grundy County Election
Commission, said Tracy City voters elected Carl Robin
Geary, who died suddenly a few weeks ago, over Mayor
Barbara Brock, who took office about a year ago after the
death of the last mayor, WTVC-TV, Chattanooga, Tenn.,
reported Thursday. Basham said Geary's death was widely
reported in the town. She would not speculate as to the
reasons for his posthumous victory. The administrator
said the city council will appoint a mayor to serve a
four-year term.
-- Va. panel keeps license plates clean ----------
RICHMOND, Va. - Members of the Virginia Department of
Motor Vehicles' "Word Committee" said they meet once
a month to try to keep dirty words off vanity license
plates. Committee members, all employees of the depart-
ment, said they meet on the second Tuesday of every
month and scrutinize applications for personalized
license plates to make sure they do not contain concealed
profanity or references to drugs, alcohol, gangs or crime,
The (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Monday. Melanie
Stokes, who sits on the committee and serves as the
department's head of public relations, said a computer
program weeds out the obvious banned combinations of
letters and numbers before the committee, made up of
people from all demographics, looks over those still in
question. "Our job is to look at the combination as if
it's driving down the road," Stokes said. "We discuss
what it could be, and one person's interpretation can be
very different from another's." Stokes said some of the
less-profane submissions rejected by the committee include
BITETHS, IHAV2P, LVVODKA, PMPNVAN, IGETHI, NOGOD and
AHCRAAP.
-- Teen makes prom dress from gum wrappers ---------
GARNER, Iowa - An Iowa teenager preparing for her junior
prom said she will be attending the event in a dress she
created from hundreds of gum wrappers. Elizabeth Rasmuson
said the colored wrappers of Wrigley's 5 gum inspired her
to create a jacket from the wrappers last year and the
success of that project led her to create a dress for next
weekend's prom at Garner-Hayfield High School in Garner,
KIMT-TV, Mason City, Iowa, reported Tuesday. Rasmuson said
she began collecting wrappers in August and lost count of
how many went into her dress at about 200. Rasmuson's boy-
friend, Jordan Weaver, used gum wrappers to create a vest
to match his date's dress. Dawn Rasmuson, the girl's
mother, said she is proud of her daughter's accomplish-
ment. "I think it's really admirable for her. I mean she's
a junior in high school and in today's world a lot of the
girls are worried about fitting in; they don't want to
stand out for wrong reason so it's really cool and so
unique," she said.
---
...Wow! That would take a lot of wrappers! I remember my sister
making belts with the wrappers when she was a kid. I also remember
a throw rug being made wih them too. A lot of work! Hard to imagine
a dress! Geesh!
==================================================================
>-->From Our Friend Viv :)
[POLITICS]
Maxine Waters, representing Southern California , has never been known
as the brightest congresswoman, however, she says it all in this clip.
This clip is showing Congresswoman Maxine Waters discussing drilling for
new oil reserves. She explains, in a slip of the tongue, what this
whole thing is all about.
Whoops! She let it all slip out!..
NOW... What can you say? (notice the reaction of the people around her)
This clip is about as blatant as a Liberal can get. What she said was
The Truth, accidentally, and notice that when she realized what she
revealed to the public and the news media, it stopped her dead in her
own tracks for a long moment. BUT it was too late.
Just hope the country wakes up in the 2010 elections!!!... She leaked
out: Obama's Scary Agenda. I don't think it is possible for Too Many
Americans to see this video, and I hope you feel the same way. Please
send it Far and Wide across America, and send it along as fast as
possible. Thanks...
http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/8856721/1300479106/name/InTheirOwnWords.wmv
---
...OK! Thanks Viv!
====================================================================
>-->From ScreamOfTheCrop:
_____
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jgs (_/`\_)
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck
would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station hoping to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she was welcome to wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car
that she could fill with gas. and spotted a bedpan that she was taking
to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan back to the station, filled
it with gas, and carefully carried it back to her car. As she was
pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched in amazement from across
the street.
Finally one of them turned to the other and said,
"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"
-<>-
Q. What does humility have to do with "humble pie"?
A. In old England, the intestines of animals were known as
"umbles". After a hunt, the upper class would keep the
meat as their own and give the entrails to their servants.
It was traditional for the lower class folk to make a pie
out of the innards, and the "umble pie" became known as
"humble pie" because of their low position in life.
Q. How long was the longest softball game ever played?
A. 365 innings. In a benefit event for the Monticello,
New York, Community General Hospital, the Gager's Diner
softball team began playing the Bend'n Elbow Tavern at
10am on August 14th, 1976. The game was called because
of rain and fog at 4pm August 15th. $4,000 was raised.
Oh, the Gagers won, 491-467.
Q. When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
A. The same thing.
Q. What was President Truman's middle name?
A. Harry S Truman didn't have a middle name, only a middle
initial. He was supposed to be named Harrison Shippe
Truman, taking the middle name of his paternal
grandfather. Others in the family wanted the middle
name to be Solomon, taken from his maternal grandfather.
Agreement could not be reached and so it was recorded
as simply "S", with no period.
-<>-
>Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)
1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12) Our meeting was rescheduled........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
-<>-
>Adventures of an Elderly Couple...
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the
table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about
twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order
to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he
became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the
woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses,
the old geezer yelled to her........ "While you're in there, you might
as well get my hat, and the credit card."
_,
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-<>-
.-=-.
////"\\
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| | | | |
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|_____| | | |
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jgs / Y \ / T \
`"`"` `"`"`
>A woman's guide to understanding men...
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General
Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it!
How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a
man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to
get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
-<>-
>Catskill Humor / Classic Jewish Humor
You may remember (if you're old enough) the old Jewish Catskill
comics of days gone by: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton
Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their humor? Not one
single swear word was ever used in their comedy routines.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Here are some examples:
``````````````````````````````````
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all
night! I finally had to let her out.
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only this time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference.
I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six
months.
A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asks a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responds, "When's payday?"
The bum says, "I don't know! You're the one who's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade,
so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES
Owned by Shara Smock, Visit the home of Scream of the Crop
http://www.screamofthecrop.com, from USA, Florida's Space Coast
====================================================================
>-->From SermondFodder:
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//////////////// . '.'`.
'|`'//////////// . .'.::|`
: `'/////// . '.':|
| . . `'// ' _|- ::|
|. .-._ . | . | .'::
| |:|:| | ' ' '.::|
| |:|:| :. . .'.':|
| . |:|:| . | .._.:::
: `':| | ' ////-:|
|. . | '/////////-._
| . . : .//////////////-._
: : ///////////////////-._
|. |////////////////////////-._
| . . :`'//////////////////////////-._
| . _.-\\\\``'//////////////////////////-._
| /\\\\\\\\..``'//////////////////////////".
: . . /. \\\\\\\\\. .``'///////////////////// .'`.
: / _ \\\\\\\\\. ``'//////////////// . .'`.
| . / (@) \\\\\\\\\. . . ``'/////////// . '.'::|.
{`)._ '| _` .\\\\\\\-`:|#| . . ``'////// '. .'.:|
`-{_/`| ||::. \\'`.:|:.|#| |#| . ``'/ ' .##:':::
`-| ||||| |`.'::|::|#| |#| |#| . . '| . .|##|'.:|
pils | ||||| : .'::|:.'#| |#| |#| |#| | |##|'::|
| ||||| .| .'.:|::.'' '#| |#| |#| . : ' |##|'.:|
{`\:|||| : .'::|:_.:. . '#| |#| | .|##|':::
`-{_/'|_ |_.-'/}_/'-._ '#| :. |##:'.:|
`'{._('}_)-' `-}_}(-._ . . | ' '` .'::|
`-' `-.} /-._ . : .'.'_:-'\
`-}_}(-._ | . _.-')_(-'
`-/_)`-.:.-{ \{-'
`-{_'_)-''
^
>The Sermon Fodder ULTIMATE Blesseds List
Some funny. Some serious. All thoughtful.
Blessed are those who truly listen and see, for then their ears are
not full of wax nor their eyes filled with dust.
Blessed are the pastors who have 3rd and 4th closings, for they shall
always have "just 5 more minutes".
Blessed are the Internet junkies, for their time shalt be a net loss.
Blessed are those who build bridges, for they shalt get over it.
Blessed are those who recycle motor oil, for they shall be refined.
Blessed is the TV weatherman, for he shalt talk up a storm.
Blessed are the undertakers, for they shalt be the last to let you down.
Blessed are they who knit their own hosiery, for they shalt not get a
run for their money.
Blessed are the auctioneers, for they shall look forbidding.
Blessed are the breadmakers, for they shalt rise to the occasion.
Blessed are the nuns, for they shall have no bad habits.
Blessed are those who stop horseback riding, for they shalt be full of
woe.
Blessed are the thrifty deer hunters, for they shalt get more bang
for their buck.
Blessed are the ministers who make mistakes, for it shall only be a
clerical error.
Blessed are the unionized church workers, for they shalt bargain in good
faith.
Blessed are the watchmakers, for they shalt work overtime.
Blessed are the religious nuclear engineers, for they shalt have
critical mass.
Blessed are students in Christian schools, for they shalt have good
Principals.
Blessed are the poor losers, for they shalt continue to diet.
Blessed are those who are multi-lingual, for they shalt be
misunderstood in many languages.
Blessed are those who are in medical school, for they shall become
ill-literate.
Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shalt be nobody's fool.
Blessed are the drama students, for they shalt be a class act.
Blessed are the bridesmaids, for they shalt be wedding belles.
Blessed are the landscapers, for they shalt be bushed.
Blessed are the gymnasts, for they shalt always do good turns.
Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed.
Blessed are the orchard growers, for their work shall not be fruitless.
Blessed are they who avoid their in-laws, for they shalt not be
relatively annoyed.
Blessed are the candy-makers, for they shalt make a mint.
Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of
the iceberg.
Blessed are they who own horses, for they shalt have stability.
Blessed are they who play tennis, for love means nothing to them.
Blessed are they that wrap leftovers, for they shalt be foiled again.
Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income.
Blessed are the musicians, for they shalt be noteworthy.
Blessed are those who are tailors, for they shalt be suited for it.
Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to
concentrate.
Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for
he shalt be bi-sectual.
Blessed is he who stops smoking, for he shalt be a quitter.
Blessed is he who has a word processor, for his words shalt be minced.
Blessed are those who watch the stars, for their work shalt be
astronomical.
Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt be a good roll
model.
Blessed are they who make it through April, for they shalt be in dismay.
Blessed is he who plows in a straight furrow, for he shall be in a rut.
Blessed are they who give hugs; for they are truly appreciated (more
than they'll ever know).
Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the
call wherever they are.
Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall
have peace.
Blessed are those who refrain from alcohol, for they shall remain sober.
Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong
funnybones.
Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief.
Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall
be love at first site.
Blessed are the piemakers, for they shall generate fellowship.
Blessed are those who attend church regularly, for they shall be pewed.
Blessed art those who pray in King James English, for thou shalt
surely speaketh in clarity.
Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall always have a job.
Blessed are those who resist temptation at the smorgasbord, for they
shall be buffeted.
Blessed are those who listen intently during sermons, for their
understanding is great.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering, for they shall
not be forgotten.
Blessed are those who donate organs, for they are giving the gift of
life.
Blessed are those who receive donated organs for they have restored
health.
Blessed are those who shop, for they shalt be spent.
Blessed are those who drill, for they shalt not be bored.
Blessed are bald men, for they shalt not have toupee for hair cuts.
Blessed are those who are magnets, for they shall find each other
attractive.
Blessed are those who have allergies for they shalt be scratched.
Blessed are the dermatologists, for they shall not be rash.
Blessed are the neurologists, for they shalt have a lot of nerve.
Blessed are the obstetricians. for their labors shall not be in vain.
Blessed are the ophthalmologists, for they shalt not be shortsighted.
Blessed are the pediatricians, for they shall have many children.
Blessed are the psychiatrists, for they shall be couched.
Blessed are the radiologists, for they shall have it all on film.
Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shalt put a whole new face
on things.
Blessed are the podiatrists, for they shalt have a leg to stand on.
Blessed are the cardiologists, for they shalt have a lot of heart.
Blessed are the electricians, for they shall remove your shorts.
Blessed are the optometrists, for they shall see you coming.
Blessed are the taxidermists, for they shall know their stuff.
Blessed are those who work in muffler shops, for they shall hear you
coming.
Blessed are those who work in bowling alleys for they shalt hear a pin
drop.
Blessed are those who make pizzas for they shall have lots of dough.
Blessed are the hard of hearing for they shall miss all the small talk.
Blessed are those who cook, for they shalt be at home on the range.
Blessed are those who fail, for they shall be a good example for
others not to follow.
Blessed are those who are a little cracked---for the Redeeming Light
pours through them.
Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won't have to eat
them later.
Blessed are the prophets, for the blind shall see through their eyes.
Blessed are those who are open to commitment for they shall be
fulfilled.
Blessed are those who are soft hearted, for they shall be comfortable!
Blessed are they that go in circles for they shall be called wheels.
Blessed are those who are short, for they shall stand on ladders!
Blessed are the brief, for they shalt have lower phone bills.
Blessed are those who sing in the choir, for they shall be noted.
Blessed are those who do things anonymously, for they shall be found
out.
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Blessed are those who build ladders for they shall give others a step
up..
Blessed are the leaders who have not sought the high place, but who
have been drafted into service because of their ability and
willingness to serve.
Blessed are people who know where they are going, for they shall not
make U-turns.
Blessed are the dictators, for they shall keep stenographers employed.
Blessed are those who spend time listening to an elder's tales of
long ago, for they shall inherit pearls of wisdom.
Blessed are those who lead by example, for they shall be mocked.
Blessed are the leaders who travel on interstate highways, for they
shall follow road signs.
Blessed are those who have their heads in the clouds, for they shall
be able to predict the weather.
Blessed are those who ride bicycles for that shall have balance.
Blessed is the chicken that crossed the road, for she shall be
poultry in motion.
Blessed are those who sing, for they shall find the key.
Copyright 2002- the Sermon Fodder List and Joke A Day Ministries. To
join go to www.sermonfodder.com or drop and email to
Sermon_Fodder-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. Please leave this attached
if you forward this to friends.
==================================================================
>-->From CleanLaffs:
%%% %%
%%%.%%.
<)_/\ /|
___(_,_),_)|___
|| // \ / ||rs
Differences between men and women
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and
Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each
throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of
them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but
it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new
argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
7. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
8. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
9. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
10. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does.
-<>-
The brillant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver
against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a
young man's arm:
"Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?"
Smith asked the plaintiff.
The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level,
his face contorted with apparent pain.
"Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us
how high you could lift it before the accident?"
The man's arm shot above his head.
-<>-
|
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`-._ `-._ |
`-._ `-._ |
kat `-._ `-._
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an
open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next
to it if the seat is taken.
"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games,
but ever since she passed away, I come alone."
"Why don't you invite a friend?"
"I can't. They're all at the funeral."
-<>-
A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the
end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the
Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following
inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ BORN 5694 DIED 5733 A GOOD MAN
AND A GREAT FURRIER.
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can
this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?"
Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but
as a furrier -- he was the best!"
=============================================================
>-->FUN Places To Net Visit :)
Real Drug Raid
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/drugraid.html
Medical Health Test
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/medical.html
Rules For Raising Children
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rulesforchildren.html
Miniture Wonderland
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/modeltrain.html
Typewriter Art
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/typeart.html
Best Parents
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bestparents.html
Strange Hotels
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hotel.html
Taking a Catnap 2
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catnap2.html
-<>-
>From Our Friend Wesley :)
personalized st. louis cardinals louisville slugger bat!
http://tinyurl.com/y6bcc7u
free printable certificates
http://tinyurl.com/y4p8je8
what's in your bag ?
http://tinyurl.com/y4xkzco
25 Hottest Urban Legends
http://www.snopes.com/info/top25uls.asp
ripped : andrew zuckerman
http://tinyurl.com/k7xuz
---
...Most Beautiful Bird! Thanks Wesley!
-<>-
From LynnLynn's Links:
Lucky 2
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gsdhdjd.htm
Lucky 3
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ghsjs.htm
Lucky 4
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gshslkssjs.htm
Magic 1320
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gdhdjd.htm
Magic Food
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gdhdjssaa.htm
Bunker
http://www.buffaloschips.com/2i3ojr2.htm
Bunny Egg
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jhyug.htm
Bus & Cop
http://www.buffaloschips.com/87y89.htm
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
===============================================================
>-->Quotes & Thunkers:
"President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy
that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course,
it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may
decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I
wrap all of my pecans in bacon." -Craig Ferguson
"According to a new study, children who are spanked are
twice as likely as those that aren't spanked to get into
fights and destroy things — which is probably why they
get spanked in the first place." -Jimmy Kimmel
"There's a new technique that lets doctors perform kidney
transplants in 45 minutes. Because when you're getting a
kidney transplant, your main concern is always, 'How long
is this gonna take? Can you do it in less than an hour?'"
-Jimmy Fallon
"An Irish airline has announced that it will charge $1.50 to
use the toilet on the airplane. A lot of people will find a
whole new use for the airsick bag." -Jay Leno
"KFC restaurants have unveiled the 'Double Down,' which is
two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why
not? We all have free health insurance." -Craig Ferguson
>Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html
FUN URLS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class
http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61
NEW LIFE IN CHRIST!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->Pass this on as it should be of interrest to all who served.
The study was carried out in Austrialia on their Vietnam Veterans.
ABC Nat. Radio Health Report Autralian Vietnam Vets:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/HealthReportVV.mp3
VV
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep.
You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy,
good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :)
Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes:
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html
Home Recipes
>Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE:
Share
A Recipe
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