How To Call The Police, Odd Signs And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ * NOTE: An easy way to adjust the size of print in email or any page is to hold down the Ctrl tab while moving the scroll button on the mouse. You can also use the keyboard to change the font size in your web browser or emails. Hold down the Ctrl key while pressing the + key for larger text or the - key for smaller text! ================ >-->2 HOT Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our first newbie is from our friends Linda and LouiseA. This one will tug at your heart strings. Amazing what a little TLC can do to turn these animals lives around! Check it out here... _ ,:'/ _..._ // ( `""-.._.' \| / 6\___ | 6 4 | / \_ .--' (_'---'`) / `'---`() ,' | , .'` | )\ _.-' ; / | .'` _ / /` / .' '. , | / / / \ ; | | | \ | | .| | | \ `"| /.-' | | | '-..-\ _.;.._ | |.;-. \ <`.._ )) | .;-. )) (__. ` ))-' \_ ))' `'--"` jgs `"""` Dog Rescue Stories http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogrescues.html --- ...I love this one! - So Heartwarming! Thanks Ladies! This next hot new page is again from our friends LouiseA and Linda. It is sure to give you some smiles and perhaps even some fond memories of your own. Give this plenty of time to load and check it out here... __ .--._,' `\ (__.' '-, / /_ _ \ __|e)e) | .'_ ; ,`) | (_) | /_.----._.' / \_/\___/ ,d8` \ / .-\\,oo8P` ; | / |;"` | | | || , _ /`'. \ './/'\. .' /.--;'-. | '--'.-._;' .' .-' /'-;` \ (((. .-'\ (((_.' \ ) jgs '._).'`--' `-` Animals First Snow http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/animalsfirstsnow.html --- ...Aww, so sweet! Thanks Linda and LouiseA! I remember how my Frisky was, he loved to frolic in the first new snow. He also loved trying to catch snowballs like they were his favorite tennis ball toys! ======================================================= >-->From TheFunnyBone: Two Priests Meet In Heaven Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" .------._ The first priest says, "I've .-"""`-.<') `-._ always wanted to be an eagle, (.--. _ `._ `'---.__.-' soaring above the Rocky ` `;'-.-' '- ._ Mountains." .--'`` '._ - ' . `""'-. `---' , "So be it," says St. Peter, and `\ off flies the first priest. `\ .' `'. ' The second priest mulls this over for jgs `'. a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter ?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why ?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." ======================================================= +------------ BIZARRE HOLIDAYS ------------+ February 23 is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day and Tennis Day February 24 is National Tortilla Chip Day February 25 is Pistol Patent Day February 26 is National Pistachio Day and Tell a Fairy Tale Day February 27 is Polar Bear Day and No Brainer Day February 28 is Floral Design Day and Public Sleeping Day February 28 is National Tooth Fairy Day ======================================================= >-->From GoodCleanFun: ___ /`_I_`\ (//o o\\) ()\_-_/() ()_/_\_() ():::::() //^|:::|^\\ \\/ ~~~ \// /_______\ || || || || .-'| |'-. jgs `""` `""` >Bathroom Wall After arriving home from work, I found out that our six-year-old daughter had written on the bathroom wall at school. I talked to her about the importance of respecting others and their property. Then I asked her how it was discovered that she'd written on the wall. "I don't know, Daddy," she said. After reading her a bedtime story that night, I asked again if she had any idea how the teacher had known for sure who had written on the wall. "I don't know, Daddy," she again replied. Then I asked what she'd written. "My name," she said. -<>- >Getting Old "I must be getting old. I'm starting to talk to myself." "We all do, Ralph." "Well, I find it annoying." "Why is it annoying?" "Because I'm also losing my hearing and I have to repeat everything!" -<>- >Jury Exemption Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the Clerk's Office that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said. "I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year." "You have to do it every year," she was told. "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?" -<>- >Pretty Smart The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word. Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully s-m-a-r-t!" -<>- >School Prize My son burst into the room and excitedly announced he had won a prize in his Grade 1 class. After telling him how proud of him I was, I asked what he had achieved. "I won," he said, "for having the oldest mom in the whole class!" ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend LouiseA :) \\\\\\, /.. \\\ < D \_-'_/ <\ (>,_ / \Y/ /` \ || # | | || # | | /| # / / / |=[]/ / /__| /__/| //|| |/||\/ | | | | | | ( ( | | | | [_[___] jgs (_(__,_| >SMILES I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I asked "May I have large bills, please" She looked at me and told me, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." -------- A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" -------- Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "Of course we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Oh, well....I just bit my tongue." -------- The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're just bad luck." ------ Aging Mildred was a ninety-three-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart -- since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable, and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. ------- Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall. Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him. The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on." -------- A five-year-old boy was playing with his toy cars on the floor next to his bed. He suddenly noticed all the dust under his bed and screamed for his mother. His mother rushed to his room to find her son sitting on the floor with a very puzzled look on his face. Mother: "What's wrong?" Son: "Remember today in church, when the preacher said we all came from dust and are going back to dust?" Mother: "Yes." Son: "Well, there's someone under my bed but I don't know if they're coming or going." -------- A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, "Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole! -------- A blonde's neighbor's house was on fire so she called 911. The blonde told the operator, "My neighbor's house is on fire!" The operator asked, "Where are you?" The blonde answered, "At my house." Emergency operator replied, "No, I'm asking how do we get there?" "In a fire truck, duh!" she answered. -------- During one 'generation gap' quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!" With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me." "Who's trying to stop you?" replied the father. "If you'll wait a minute, I'm going with you!" -------- After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!" -------- I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Marina, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!" I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!" -------- _.---._ .-' ((O)) '-. \ _.\_/._ / /..___..\ ;-.___.-; (| e ) e |) .;. \ /_ / |||| _\__-__/_ (\|'-| /` / \V/ \ `\ \ )/ / \ Y / \ /=/ / | \ | / {} \/ / / /| `|' |\ / \ \| |. | \_/ \ /\ |. | \_/\ |. | /)_/ | | // ',__.'.__,' // | | | // | | | (/ | | | | | | | _ | _ | | | | | | | | | | jgs |___|___| / J L \ (__/ \__) HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. *George Phillips*, an elderly man from *Walled Lake, Michigan*, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six *Police Cars*, a *SWAT Team*, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the *Policemen* said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people! -<>- _________________ |.---------------.| || || || ODD SIGNS || || ~~~~~~~~~~~ || ||_______________|| '-------. .-------' | | _|/ | | ." ". | | /(O)-(O)\ /_)|| / | |_)|| '- | \_)|\ '.___.' / |\/|_ | | \ \_/ / _| '/ |_|\ '.___.' \ ) / \ \_/\__/\__ |==| \ \ /\ /\ `\ | | \ \\// \| | `\ /\ | / | jgs ; || |\____/ | || | >Odd Signs: At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will not sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses rude ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship." At a military base: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $100. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign." --- ...LOL! Too Rich! Good ones! Thanks LouiseA! ======================================================= >-->In The Worldly News: >From BizarreNews: Most people would consider waking up, still drunk, in a box at a landfill with no recollection of what happened, the conclusion of a very bad night. But on the other hand, this story happened in Texas, so... The woman in question was found alive in a box at a dump in Irving, Texas Saturday morning, nine miles from where she had last been seen. She was spotted by a passerby, who saw what was believed to be a half naked woman's body in a box near the entrance to the dump around 9 a.m. Police say the woman was with a friend at a nightclub several hours earlier. The woman needed help getting to her car, so a man offered to help while the woman's friend got their car. Both were gone when her friend got back with their car. That's when the woman's friend called Dallas Police and reported her missing. Irving Police say the woman was very drunk when they found her. Initial exams showed no signs of sexual assault. The woman said she doesn't remember how she ended up at the landfill. *-- Police brutality accuser caught on camera punching own face --* EUGENE, Ore. (UPI) - Oregon authorities have released a video of a man who claimed to have been assaulted by detectives punching himself in the face in his jail cell. The Lane County Sheriff's Office said Aleksander Robin Tomaszewski, 33, claimed to have been physically assaulted by detectives Jan. 9 while being questioned on charges of including stalking and first-degree sexual abuse, but deputies reviewed security tapes from the county jail and saw Tomaszewski repeatedly punch himself in the face to give himself black eyes. Sgt. Carrie Carver, a sheriff's office spokeswoman, said Tomaszewski appeared to strike himself in the face 45 times in the four-minute video. Tomaszewski pleaded guilty to attempted coercion and filing a false report in connection with the incident. He was sentenced to 20 days in jail for each charge Feb. 10, but was released with credit for time served. He was also sentenced to three years of probation and ordered to pay $600 in fines. See him here http://tinyurl.com/q2k2ppz *-- Maryland man plows snow with motorized toilet --* BETHESDA, Md. (UPI) - A Maryland man is clearing snow from Bethesda's sidewalks with a snowplow attached to an unusual vehicle -- a motorized toilet. David Goldberg, owner of the Union Hardware store, said he created the motorized commode, dubbed "Loo-cille" or "Loo-cy" for short, for last summer's pride parade, and he is taking his hybrid vehicle out of the garage once again to clear snow from sidewalks. "This is Loo-cy. Our motorized toilet that we did this summer for the pride parade. We just added a snow plow and [we're] ready for tomorrow morning's snow," Goldberg said in sending a picture of the toilet plow to WUSA-TV. Goldberg posted a video of the motorized toilet moving snow to YouTube. "Taking something very private and making it a spectacle is a jolt to the system by itself. But having it plow snow... Over the top!" he wrote in the video's description. Goldberg said the toilet has a hybrid engine. "I have not had to start the engine yet, but it is there after a long day if needed," Goldberg wrote on YouTube. "I do have duel exhaust mounted for show. It's all about the looks and fun." *-- Calif. 'bra bandit' wore stolen bras on his face, chest --* COACHELLA, Calif. (UPI) - Police in California are searching for the "bra bandit" -- a man recorded stealing clothes from a pickup truck while wearing a skirt and two bras. Security camera footage from outside a Coachella home recorded a man, dubbed the "bra bandit," wearing a skirt, a bra on his head and another bra on his chest while walking past the home. Police said the clothing items were taken from an unlocked pickup truck. The man, who is seen on the video trying to scare a cat on the front porch of the home, also took cleaning supplies, change and other clothing items from the truck. The security camera footage shows the man narrowly avoid capture when a Riverside County Sheriff's Office patrol car passes by the pickup truck while he's inside. "We have had incidents where stuff has been stolen, but never like this, where some guy is completely naked, and at a point in the video you actually see him sniffing the bra," Vidal Coronel, daughter of the truck's owner, told KESQ-TV. Coronel said the clothing items belong to her sister, who has been using the pickup truck to move. "We all have kids here, and for this guy to be walking around in a bra and a skirt stealing, and he could go into someone's house and do something worse," Coronel said. *-- Ex-husband proposes again 43 years after divorce --* FORT SMITH, Ark. (UPI) - An Arkansas Walmart employee accepted an on-camera proposal from an unexpected suitor -- the ex-husband she divorced 43 years ago. Louis Demetriades and Renate Stumpf, both 75, said they divorced 43 years ago, but they rekindled their friendship in December when Demetriades called Stumpf for help contacting one of their three children. Stumpf was shocked when Demetriades, who lives in Tennessee, visited the Walmart store where she works in Fort Smith, Ark., Saturday with a sign reading, "Happy Valentine's Day! Will you marry me?" Stumpf said her initial "no" was meant just to tease her suitor, and she quickly amended the answer to "Yes, but not today." "Forty-three years is a long time, so I wasn't sure at first," she told ABC News, "but I will marry him though because he's changed for the better, I've come to realize." Demetriades said he chose Walmart for his Valentine's Day surprise so he would have an audience of his ex-wife's friends. ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Karen :) __ ."` `;. / .---'. \ \| . . |/ ( > ) \ -- / __)----(__ /` <_\__/_> `\ / : \ jgs | \ : | | >The Preacher Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily. One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully. As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation. "I thought he was lovely," said one. "He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other. "He was very loud, wasn't he?" "Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?" "I said he was very loud." "Eh?" "I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull." "Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way." --- ...Oh My! LOL! Thanks Karen! -<>- | / / / / / \ | / / / / / \ _ _ \ \ / \/ \ .-\ \o/\o/_ ( ( \ '- ,____/ | | | '--;-' Got a Question Fer Ya | __/ jgs | / / `--.`\ <__ '-'. `"""""``` This is the question from Year 2001 Harvard's Science Research Use of calculator is prohibited The question is.... If... 1 = 5 . . . . And 2 = 25 . . . . And 3 = 125 . . . . And 4 = 625 . . . . . What does 5 equal? . . . . . . . . 5 =? . . . . . . Answer is 5 = 1 Have you forgotten 1=5 Got it wrong? No wonder MOST of us did not get into Harvard! --- ...LOL! Couldn't afford it anyway. Thanks Karen! ===================================================== >-->From Our Friend Cloie :) .-""""-. / / \ |.--'"`\_| ( '/ ' ) \ - / _`) (`_ /` '--' `\ / _,,_ \ / /` `\ \ /\_/ / 6 6\ \_/\ \ \/\ Y /\/ / \ \/ `'U` \/ / \( \ / )/ |\_/ \_/| / ____ \ \ ( || ) / (__)||(__) | || | | || | jgs |__||__| / |/ | / // / `""` `"` A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote; >The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas ASPARAGUS. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution. (Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!) --- ...LOL! Thanks Cloie! ========================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: .-""""-. ////||\\\\ |/ \| ( @ @ ) : C : \ == / `|--|` .--`\__/`--. / \ / , , \ /`-./| |\.-'\ / /` | | `\ \ / / | | \ \ (/ | |______| | \) |_/ | | \_| |__|___/ | | | | | | ( ( | jgs | | | |==|==| __| _|__| ( ( ) `^^^`^^^^ Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit." -<>- >From the rail of a cruise ship one passenger can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is that?" the passenger asked a passing deck steward. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts." -<>- _ /_`\ )"/ ) (`(,( ./_.') _.`-;-'\ .'/ /___/ .' / / // __/_.' |(\`\ --jgs''-- /'_.]--''- _\| `-| ---''''---....--' `"""' `"" ` 10 RULES FOR GOOD HOUSEKEEPING 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. Never make fried chicken in the nude. 4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. 6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger. 7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. -<>- My son stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam. He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read "The Canterbury Tales." I awoke at 4 A. M. and found him studying with mug in hand, and asked him, "What have you got there?" He answered... "Just my cup and Chaucer." -<>- Why the Military can't communicate with each other... If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike. If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy. -<>- While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor. "What happened?" he asked. I said, "Attacked by a flying saucer." ========================================================= >-->From Our Friend Geniann :) ))))))))) ////"""""\ \ / /\ \ / | //// (o).(o) \/\/ \/ \/\/ | //(, __ | ' ////\ (__) / ////)._____/ jgs / ( >OK...if you are unhappy, just go blonde and lose all your worries! Blonde at the Superbowl Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" --- ...Go Blondes! HaHa! Thanks Geniann! -<>- [Politics] >Famous Presidential Lies Contest Written by, To The Point News LBJ: a.. We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin ) Nixon: a.. I am not a crook GHW Bush: a.. Read my lips - No New Taxes Clinton: a.. I did not make love with that woman... Miss Lewinski GW Bush: a.. Iraq has weapons of mass destruction Obama: a.. I will have the most transparent administration in history. b.. The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs. c.. I am focused like a laser on creating jobs. d.. The IRS is not targeting anyone. e.. It was a spontaneous riot about a movie. f.. I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism". g.. You didn't build that! h.. I will restore trust in Government. i.. The Cambridge cops acted stupidly. j.. The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk k.. It's not my red line - it is the world's red line. l.. Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration. m.. We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest. n.. I am not spying on American citizens. o.. Obama Care will be good for America .. p.. You can keep your family doctor. q.. Premiums will be lowered by $2500. r.. If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan. s.. It's just like shopping at Amazon. t.. I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels. u.. I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups. v.. I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi . w.. I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago. x.. And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him. y.. If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act. z.. If elected I will end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term. aa.. I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term. ab.. I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries. And the biggest one of all: ... "I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America ." I believe we have a winner! --- ...Oh My! Really? Come on! I think you might be a little fixated on our dear sweet innocent Mr. America - I mean really! LOL! That's Our Prez! - Can't believe a word he says! Thanks Geniann! ========================================================== >-->From Laugh&Lift: .{{}}}}}}. {{{{{}}}}}}}. {{{{ {{{{{}}}} }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ Smiles For You! }}}} 6 6 }}}} {{{{C ^ {{{{ }}}}}}\ '=' /}}}}} {{{{{{{;.___.;}}}}}} {{{{{{{) (}}}}}}' jgs `""'"': :'"'"'` `@` *_Quick Jokes _* As the son of a college professor and a professor myself, I hoped my sons would go to college. But after our oldest found that the courses that he wanted to take at the university were full, he got discouraged. I went to the registrar. I'd heard he was a stickler for rules, so I was floored when the man asked, "What classes would he like?" and took care of the problem on his computer. Seeing my surprise, he explained that years before he was in the same situation as my son. He'd met a professor who took him to the enrollment lines and got him into every class he wanted. "That man was your father. By any chance, is he still alive?" I nodded, and he smiled. "Good," he said. "Tell him we're even." -------- During a road trip I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two." -------- My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid. "Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner. Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?" -------- Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A: A Hot Cross bunny. Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A: A receding hareline Q: Why didn't the egg cross the road? A: Because he wasn't a chicken yet! Q: What day does an egg hate the most? A: Fry-days. ------- *_Vital Information For Visiting the Southern United States_* If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive. 4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" 6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either. 7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern- influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. 8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here. 10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. 11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. 12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. ------- .{{}}}}}}. {{{{{}}}}}}}. {{{{ {{{{{}}}} }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ }}}} e e }}}} {{{{{ .__^__. {{{{ hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe }}}}}}\ '._.' /}}}}} {{{{{{{;.___.;}}}}}} {{{{{{{) (}}}}}}' jgs `""'"': :'"'"'` `@` *_Quick Jokes_* "What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to the amusement park this weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car!" -------- Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade." -------- Thought to Ponder: Why is it that when you eat too much for lunch, you feel drowsy all afternoon, but when you eat a big meal in the evening, you stay awake all night? _SUBSCRIBE INFO_ Want to receive a Christian inspirational item AND great clean humor in an email to you each day of the week? It's easy and FREE! Read all about Laugh & Lift at http://www.laughandlift.com ========================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) BiBi's Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dogrescue.html Amazing Cop Cars 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/copcars2.html My Catty Life http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catlife.html Cat In A Box http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catinbox.html Cat Motivational Posters http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/catposters.html When Artists Get Bored http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/abored.html Best Parents http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bestparents.html Up Close And Personal 2 http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/personal2.html Salvation Mountain http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/salvation.html Extreme Camping http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/camp.html World's Best Husband http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/husbands.html Mule Vs Lion http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mulelion.html Floating Hotel http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/fhotel.html Moon Photography Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/moonart.html -<>- >From Our Friend LouiseA :) Take the long way... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoGGDKV88Fg&feature=player_embedded This video will make you think twice about even dipping your toes in the surf. This is from Cape Lookout National Seashore in North Carolina and I'm telling you: The sharks are literally close enough to nip at your ankles. You have to watch this amazing shark feeding frenzy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liijgHmbBzg&feature=player_embedded No matter what size bass or pike you've reeled in, this fisherman will definitely be able to beat your biggest fish story. That's because his isn't about a fish. You have to see how this cool guy saved a bald eagle from certain death and nursed it back to health. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6N1Go6T8tsk&feature=player_embedded Relive Nik Wallenda's two incredible tightrope walks between Chigago skyscrapers - uphill at a 15 degree angle, then blindfolded - breaking 2 world records. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=oHLLYIUbfB8 A tribute to man's best friend. This compilation tries to capture the extremes dogs have mastered - with some humor included. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=de3uzRiABNU --- ...Mesmerizing! Thanks LouiseA! -<>- >From Our Friend Melody :) smoke smoke smoke http://www.mamarocks.com/smoke_smoke_smoke.htm Mix and Match Mama: Dinner Tonight: Mexican Biscuit Casserole http://mixandmatchmama.blogspot.com/2012/03/dinner-tonight-mexican-biscuit.html Woman Catches Caregiver Abusing Elderly Father https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YEuivTYI64 Moron Cop in Hot Pursui http://biggeekdad.com/2014/11/moron-cop-hot-pursuit/ Human Androids - INVENT [BroadbandTV] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVxYYII7Aa0 --- ...Wowsers! Freaky! Thanks Melody! ======================================================= >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "The mayor of Boston actually had to issue a statement yesterday telling residents to stop jumping from their second-story windows and rooftops into giant piles of snow. Do NOT do that at home...unless you have a camera ready." -Jimmy Fallon "The restaurant chain Salad Works has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Analysts attribute the failure to it being a salad restaurant located in America." -Conan O'Brien "A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?" -Seth Meyers "Neil Armstrong's widow was going through his closet and she found a bunch of things that he brought back with him from the moon, including some souvenirs. And I thought: Wait a minute, there's a gift shop on the moon?" -Dave Letterman "A new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are more likely to have better relationships. They say it inspires better communication - on the ride home, when you talk about how much you hated the other couple." -Jimmy Fallon "After the Northeast was hit with a second major snowstorm yesterday, meteorologists are predicting even more snow will come on Thursday. So I think we all know what we have to do. We have to kill that groundhog." -Seth Meyers "Researchers at the University of Vermont determined that the world's happiest language is Spanish. German finished fourth, which I find hard to believe. In German, even 'I love you' sounds like a threat." -Jimmy Kimmel "A woman in Manhattan went into a seafood restaurant, bit into a hunk of fish and got a fish hook in her mouth. I hate when you go into a restaurant and you're the catch of the day." -Dave Letterman >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -->This is for all you who love food and DARE to make it at home Yep. You guessed it - Recipes. These are Tried and True, Yummy to the Tummy, good old fashioned home cooking recipes that are EASY to do :) Visit Shangy's Easy-Does-It Home Recipes: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/easy.html Home Recipes >Got A good Recipe? SHARE IT HERE: Share A Recipe ************************************************************************ >TO SUBSCRIBE: Visit Here This Weeks regular Shangy emails OR For the Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ************************************************************************