I'm Not Old And More... :) Shangy! >Here are the details on our Yahoo ShangyFunList: To Subscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To UnSubscribe send a blank email to ShangyFunList-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShangyFunList Through no fault of my own we suddenly became an adult club in the love and romance directory so you will have to confirm that you are an adult when you go here. I still have no idea how to change this back as it sends me around in a circle when I try! or Web Site: http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/ShangyFunList.html Group email address: ShangyFunList@yahoogroups.com or email me here: bcrsystems@earthlink.net ================ *~* A REMINDER: PLEASE Send me sweet, interesting, funny, inspiring, family type forwards ANY TIME here... bcrsystems@earthlink.net I Need them, Love them, Use them, and Share them! THANK YOU!! ================ "We are each of us angels with but one wing, and can only fly by embracing each other" -Luciano Decrescenzo ~ CALLING ALL CARING ANGELS ~ (\ _\_(`\_ `/` _ `/,-'=/` _,'|`._ /' `/` ,-' |||._ `-._ i_i _,-' ,-' || `__ `-._ "=(. .)=" _,-' _,-' --||- (..=`/._ `-/#\ ( i_i ,\ _,-' | )|_|-==` \_)`-/ /v "=(. .)=" ,' ,|/ \ |__||\ //|\\ / / #/ ,/ \ ( ,' ,' ((_.--._)) || )(/|\)' /# ; ,/ #,/v ,' ,' |`- -' ||/ (/\\ / #; ,/# ,/ ,' ' / | \ */"-._ |/ _____,-''"/_)/__ / ,',---|((_.--._(__/ _.--""_____)-//_______"-. (,-.)| `- -( _,"_.--"" |||(( __ "-.: ___,/ ;| \ */ _\'_," (\__/) |||\\\ |__`,()() . \ (,_.) (_| (__/,'_,' /_/)=\.\. = |||||| | `( ` ``\|\)\ ( ;.__| _,-'_,' =//. ==> _7)< |||||| |`` , ` * "") ___\ _,--'_,-' //_(7__/) ////\ |||||| |``` \___.--' \_"""_,--' <*)_//'"" )/_/-"""":|||||,""""(("-._/ | """" ) ( _(-' _.---"\___,----. |||||| | ,' "`._ ,(( | ) ( \_/' ,' _"" "_ `.||||| |,"\\'--._) "._ \ \_/<. .>""( ( . .) )|||| |\\ \/,"\\ /`--._) <. .>|_/\| \/ ) \,-( \(||||| | \\)"\\ \) ||_/( ( | |\/ /, \ \ )\\(:|||||,()""""-.:| | \ `-\ | |__\/, :`/-`._____,-""_,' ctr:| |"""\___,""""""""""""""\(_,( (__,-"||---""""""; \---""""---------""""""""````/////))----""""/ ~~~\ ~///////~ ~/~~~~~ \ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ /~~~~/ ~~/ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *~* WE NEED CARING And SHARING Angels For 2011 *~* >Do You Want To Be A Shangrala Angel? If you'd like to help and be counted as a 2011 Shangrala Angel, please visit the site and click on the donate button. A Secure PAYPAL page comes up. Any amount is greatly appreciated and needed! PLEASE Visit Shangrala to Help: http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/index.html OR If you'd rather send us a donation, Please MAIL it here: Elrhea Bigham 502 S. Harrison Van Wert, OH 45891 *~* THANK YOU! MAY GOD BLESS ALL OUR ANGELS MOST ABUNDANTLY! ================ >-->Hot Off The 'Shangy' Press :) Our friend Linda is back in the swing of things! So glad she is! This one comes from a forward from her. A handy dandy quick guide to some popular foods and their sugar content. Great FUN Info. Find out how sweet you are. Turn up the sound and as always, give it time to load... o oo o o o ___o o o /`._;o o | / o ;_ | `-' jg Sweets For The Sweet! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/sugar.html --- ...An Awesome guide! Thanks Linda! -<>- .-""""--. / ) / --"` / _`:---. | .-' `\ \ / .----'./ \ : ,-' ~(.).)\ \_| \ ._) | / | \.__, / _.--' )`///-,-' / / _| (_\\ | (____/____) \ ___/ | _ `---( ` ) `-, .' (__.'._/'._/ |`| | __/ / / // | `--. || /_____) jgs `=---` *~* We Had A TREMENDOUS Month Of Caring And Sharing This Month *~* Be sure to check these out and share them with all your loved ones! Playing Food 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/food3.html Fun With Nature! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/nature.html Whale Rescue 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whalerescue2.html Deer Rescue! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/deerrescue.html Humor In Religion 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/hreligion3.html Parenting No-No's 2! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/parenting2.html Parenting No-No's 3! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/parenting3.html Beaches In S.Korea! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beaches2.html Boys To Pres.! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/boystopres.html Morons At Work! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/mwork.html Life's Little Oops 10! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/whoops10.html Germany's Water Bridge! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/wbridge.html *~* Big THANKS And Huggums In Christ To All Our Sweet Contributors! ============================================================ >-->From TheFunnyBone: Every Day Survival Tips _._ 1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. .' '. | They make up for the things you got away / //\\\ \ | with that nobody knows about. ( ( -\- ) ) | '-\_=_/-' // 2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately .-'\ /'-. (|/ flushes the toilet when you're taking a / '-' \ / / shower. | \__ __/_/\/ /| | |\ / \ / 3. When someone tells you that what he's \ \ \ '-' about to say is "for your own good," `\/\ ; expect the worst. |/|\ | | | 4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder | | of how much fun it is to be idiotic. | | |_______| 5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the | | | taste but don't swallow it whole. \ | / jgs /=|=\ 6. When a politician says, "let me make (_/T\_) something perfectly clear," remember that he usually won't. 7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever. 8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means. 9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time. 10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead. ============================================================ *-- Bizarre August Holidays --* August 1 is Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day August 2 is National Ice Cream Sandwich Day August 3 is National Watermelon Day August 4 is Twins Day Festival August 5 is National Mustard Day August 6 is Wiggle Your Toes Day August 7 is Sea Serpent Day August 8 is Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night August 9 is National Polka Festival August 10 is Lazy Day ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Johanna :) . ' . " ' . . . ' ' "` . . ' ' . ' _______________ ==c(___(o(______(_() \=\ )=\ //|\\ //|| \\ // || \\ // || \\ // \\ David Riley >Very Clever! PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Bet your friends haven't seen this one ! ! ! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS --- ...LOL! I love these! Thanks Johanna! ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Jo Ann :) . `:. `:. .:' ,:: .:' ;:' :: ;:' : .:' `. :. _________________________ : _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ : ,---:".".".".".".".".".".".".": : ,'"`::.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.::' `.`. `:-===-===-===-===-===-:' `.`-._: : `-.__`. ,' met. ,--------`"`-------------'--------. `"--.__ __.--"' `""-------------""' >I'm drinking from my saucer I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now. But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough But I've got loving ones all around me, and that makes me rich enough. I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He's bestowed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. I remember times when things went wrong, My faith wore somewhat thin. But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again. So Lord, help me not to gripe, about the tough rows I have hoed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. If God gives me strength and courage, When the way grows steep and rough. I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough. And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads. Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. When I think of how many people in this world have it worse than I do, I realize just how blessed we really are. Don't be too busy today... Share this inspiring message with friends and family. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures. --- ...Sweet One! Thanks Jo Ann! Michael Combs sings Drinking From My Saucer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcmSbYiML2M Another one well sung... Drinking From My Saucer (Cause My Cup Has Overflowed) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR-uXuCGmKI =========================================================== >-->Story Time from our Friend Bunni :) _.---. |\---/| / ) ca| ------------; |-/ /|foo|--- ) (' / `---' ===========( ,'========== || _ | | || o/ ) | | o || ( ( / ; || \ `._/ / || `._ /| || |\ _/|| __||_____.' ) |__||____________ ________\ | |_________________ \ \ `-. `-`---' hjw >CAT Cat. What a silly name but that is what I always called that silly looking yellow tiger cat of my grandmother's. It seemed that he had several different names all depending on who was talking about him. To me, he was Cat. To my Father, he was Nig. To my Grandmother, he was her "Baby". She loved that silly cat. As she grew older, she babied him more and more. Many were the nights that he would be wrapped up in a blanket lying on her lap. Snug, warm and loved. All you would see was his head sticking out of the blanket. I can't help but smile as I remember that sight. He "was" her baby pure and simple. Even as she grew older and found it more and more difficult to get around she always made sure her "baby" was well fed and securely wrapped in his blanket at night on her lap. Then came the day that my grandmother begin to lose her memory. It begin slowly at first but little by little, she began to "forget" things. One of these things was wrapping her "Baby" in his blanket each night. At first, he would nuzzle around in her lap until she would remember and wrap him up all warm and secure. He would snuggle down in his blanket assured of her love for him once more. Then more and more days would pass and more and more often she would forget. More and more he would nuzzle her trying to remind her that he was there and was waiting for her loving hands to wrap him in his blanket. But more and more often she would forget and more and more often he would just snuggle in her lap, not wrapped in his blanket, but still warm and secure in her love. As the days passed, physically and mentally, she grew worse. One day she fell and broke her hip and Cat no longer enjoyed the pampered life he once had enjoyed. He seemed to sense that something was wrong and seemed saddened by the loss of the loving hands and voice that he had come to love so much. One day she went to the hospital and never returned. /\____/\ __ .' """" `,-' `--.__ __,- : - - ; " :: `-. -.__ ,-sssss `._ `' _,'" ,'~~~::`.sssss-. |ssssss ,' ,_`--'_ __,' :: ` `.ssssss| |sssssss `-._____~ `,,'_______,---_;; ssssss| |ssssssssss `--'~{__ ____ ,'ssssss| `-ssssssssssssssssss ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ssss.-' `---.sssssssssssssssssssss.---' Susie Oviatt Cat was alone. My father had promised her that he would take care of "Baby" for her as long as he lived. And he did. He kept him indoors when it got too cold for him outside. Cat was happy as he could be but he was growing older too. Years passed and I would always see Cat outside walking around or sunning himself. Often I would take him a special treat which he always enjoyed. He would come running to me with joy when he seen me coming. Each time I saw him I was reminded of my beautiful grandmother and thus, he was very special to me. He brought both happy and sad memories to my mind but he was always very special. As time went on he moved slower. His steps became slower and I realized that he was no longer a young cat. Many times in summer he would look at the chair in the back yard where Grandmother had sat, holding him and loving him. He would get a wistful look in his eyes and then seeming to realize she wasn't coming back he would turn and walk slowly away. Oh Cat! My heart goes out to you. I miss her too. You may not be able to cry as I do for her but I know you miss her. Today I received a call from my father. He told me that Cat hadn't eaten in two days. His back legs wouldn't work right any more. His front legs wouldn't support his weight. He laid in the chair where Grandmother had held him so many times before. Wrapped in his blanket once again He seemed content. Perhaps in his mind he was once again wrapped in the blanket on her lap safe and secure from all pain and fear. My father found him this morning still wrapped in the blanket. He had passed away in the night. Perhaps he has found Rainbow Bridge and is with my grandmother once more lying in her lap loved and secure once more. Cat, I'm going to miss you. You may be gone from this earth but in my heart, you will always be alive. Goodbye Cat. I love you. Phyllis Smith (Bunni) Copyright September, 1989 All Rights Reserved --- ...aww, a sad story. All our pets have is us. Thanks Bunni! One day death shall be swallowed up in Victory and shall be no more! Not for our precious loved ones or for us! How great that day shall be! -<>- mom, you up there? / ,==. |~~~ / 66\ | \c -_) |~~~ `) ( | / \ |~~~ / \ \ | (( /\ \_ |~~~ \\ \ `--`| / / / |~~~ jgs___ (_(___)_| >Truth About Children A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning. A child will not spill on a dirty floor. A young child is a noise with dirt on it. For adult education, nothing beats children. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have. Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one. The best thing to spend on your children is time. --- ...TeeHee! Funny one! Thanks Bunni! -<>- >What Every Woman Wants In A Man! ___ /,,,\ __|___|____ /__% o\/-%__ \ |/ %% ( %% \| %,\_/,% I am comin fur __} {__ Ya"CowBoy" / ::< >:: \ Your Gonna be / /|\,,,/|\ \ My Next / /:\/;;;\// /: Ride! / /: (-);(-) /: ((|` / | | \: / | | \ / /.()_().\ \ |_|, `-' ,|_| |XX, ,XX| _| |, ,| |_ <__/[] , \/ ,[]\__> ,-' | | | | `, | | | | \/ ,' | | | | -"))) ( ) ( ) /\ |_| |_| \|/ /___/___\TS Original List: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends ___ /,,,\ __|___|____ /__% o\/-%__ \ |/ %% ( %% \| %,\_/,% __} {__ I Can Make (::< >::) Your Deams ) : ( Come True (\`-'`-'\\ "CowBoy" \||||||\/| | ||(- YAAAHOOOO | \`| Winkie | |`' Woo Woo! :::::: www www _| | \ \_ (___/][]\__)TS What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend ___, __)____)__ -)- ))) , \=_/ \__ __/). )_/=\ /6) \ __((_\_/\ / __/ \ /_/-\o____) / ,_/| \ \/ ))__|_ \_)o_' _.-' ,/:_/_:) ___ '---`' \>__/ /o /---.,/_ \ ( / / /o / \) \ | (' \,/ ( / _____/ )___> / /\ ( / _______/,_____| |,( / ) ) / (_ \ | _/ o) \ /_ |/ \_ / ( '| (___,_/-` `.__ / ' \ | / ,---' / _/ \( \_/ / / )\ ( < b'ger ,./_(,, , \_/,,._ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet... Send this to the women and men who will enjoy reading it. --- ...LOL! Thanks Bunni! =========================================================== >-->From Our Friend John-Paul :) Wooo--this is an Eye opener [POLITICS] >A Black Man's Point Of View Lloyd Marcus (black) Unhyphenated American, Singer/Songwriter, Entertainer, Author, Artist No white man could ever write an article like this and live to tell about it. A Black Man, The Progressive's Perfect Trojan Horse By Lloyd Marcus As millions of my fellow Americans, I am outraged, devastated and extremely angry by the democrat's unbelievable arrogance and disdain for We The People. Despite our screaming "no" from the rooftops, they forced ObamaCare down our throats. Please forgive me for using the following crude saying, but it is very appropriate to describe what has happened. "Don't urinate on me and tell me it's raining." Democrats say their mission is to give all Americans health care. The democrats are lying. Signing ObamaCare into law against our will and the Constitution is tyranny and step one of their hideous goal of having as many Americans as possible dependent on government, thus controlling our lives and fulfilling Obama's promise to fundamentally transform America . I keep asking myself. How did our government move so far from the normal procedures of getting things done? Could a white president have so successfully pulled off shredding the Constitution to further his agenda? I think not. Ironically, proving America is completely the opposite of the evil racist country they relentlessly accuse her of being, progressives used America 's goodness, guilt and sense of fair play against her. in their quest to destroy America as we know it, progressives borrowed a brilliant scheme from Greek mythology. They offered America a modern day Trojan Horse, a beautifully crafted golden shiny new black man as a presidential candidate. Democrat Joe Biden lauded Obama as the first clean and articulate African American candidate. Democrat Harry Reid said Obama only uses a black dialect when he wants. White America relished the opportunity to vote for a black man naively believing they would never suffer the pain of being called racist again. Black Americans viewed casting their vote for Obama as the ultimate Affirmative Action for America 's sins of the past. Then there were the entitlement loser voters who said, "I'm votin' for the black dude who promises to take from those rich SOBs and give to me." Just as the deceived Trojans dragged the beautifully crafted Trojan Horse into Troy as a symbol of their victory, deceived Americans embraced the progressive's young, handsome, articulate and so called moderate black presidential candidate as a symbol of their liberation from accusation of being a racist nation. Also like the Trojan Horse, Obama was filled with the enemy hiding inside. Sunday, March 21, 2010, a secret door opened in Obama, the shiny golden black man. A raging army of democrats charged out. Without mercy, they began their vicious bloody slaughter of every value, freedom and institution we Americans hold dear; launching the end of America as we know it. Wielding swords of votes reeking with the putrid odor of back door deals, the democrats landed a severe death blow to America and individual rights by passing ObamaCare. The mainstream liberal media has been relentlessly badgering the Tea Party movement with accusations of racism. Because I am a black tea party patriot, I am bombarded with interviewers asking me the same veiled question. "Why are you siding with these white racists against America 's first African American president?" I defend my fellow patriots who are white stating, "These patriots do not give a hoot about Obama's skin color. They simply love their country and oppose his radical agenda. Obama's race is not an issue." Recently, I have come to believe that perhaps I am wrong about Obama's race not being an issue. In reality, Obama's presidency has everything to do with racism, but not from the Tea Party movement. Progressives and Obama have exploited his race from the rookie senator's virtually unchallenged presidential campaign to his unprecedented bullying of America into ObamaCare. Obama's race trumped all normal media scrutiny of him as a presidential candidate and most recently even the Constitution of the United States . ObamaCare forces all Americans to purchase health care which is clearly unconstitutional. No white president could get away with boldly and arrogantly thwarting the will of the American people and ignoring laws. President Clinton tried universal health care. Bush tried social security reform. The American people said "no" to both president's proposals and it was the end of it. So how can Obama get away with giving the American people the finger? The answer. He is black. The mainstream liberal media continues to portray all who oppose Obama in any way as racist. Despite a list of failed policies, overreaches into the private sector, violations of the Constitution and planned destructive legislation too numerous to mention in this article, many Americans are still fearful of criticizing our first black president. Incredible. My fellow Americans, you must not continue to allow yourselves to be "played" and intimidated by Obama's race or the historical context of his presidency. If we are to save America , the greatest nation on the planet, Obama's progressive agenda must be stopped. Lloyd Marcus (black) Unhyphenated American, Singer/Songwriter, Entertainer, Author, Artist & Tea Party Patriot, 2010 Lloyd Marcus - All Rights Reserved Share This With America ! --- ...Very Interesting! Thank You John-Paul! ============================================================== >-->From Our Friend PatDeE :) / _ \ \ ." ". / ___ / \ .."" "".. | O | / \ | | / \ | | --------------------------------- _/ o (O) o _ | _/ ." ". | I/ _________________/ \ | _/I ." | | ===== / I / / | ===== | | | \ | _________________." | ===== | | | | | / \ / _|_|__|_|_ __ | | | | | | | | \ "._." / o o \ ." ". | | --| --| -| / \ _/ / \ | \____\____\__| \ ______ | / | | | -------- --- / | | | ( ) (O) / \ / | ----------------------- ".__." | _|__________________________________________|_ / \ /________________________________________________\ John Savard >POLITICAL JOKES I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called “right” Wing and Liberals are called the “left wing”. By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.” Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV). ** Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!" "Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry. "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there." So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Ennis, Montana With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender Wally took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads. Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?" "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador retriever in here with two assholes!" ** It might be funny if it weren’t true…A Republican, in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon, and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the Restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of Hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the Restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold Beer. "On my bill," he said loudly. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door. Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me!! I'm collecting disability." And Jesus thought, “I knew he’d say that.” ** A well-known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos, he doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there. Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you." This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." So the guy says to the barman, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts? "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place." --- ...LOL! Thanks PatDeE! -<>- See this one... ,'-', :-----: (''' , - , ''') \ ' . , ` / \ ' ^ ? / \ ` - ,' `j_ _,' ,- -`\ \ /f ,- \_\/_/'- , `, , , /\ \ | / \ ', , f : :`, , <...\ , : ,- ' \,,,,\ ; : j ' \ \ :/^^^^' \ \ ; ''': \ -, -`.../ ' - -,`,--` \_._'-- '---: Storm TEXAS RULES OF ETIQUETTE! http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/texas.html And There is more............. @ ) (_m_\ \\" _.`~. `(#'/.\) .>' (_--, _=/d . ^\ ~~ \)-' ' / | ptr ##'##'#after a:f############## ################################# >The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline. OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use..... The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants! That would be 15 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down..... Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders.... When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan .... Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military.... Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...... After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country..... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.... This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. ....... If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved..... If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends.......... I just did.......... --- ...HaHa! Sounds better then giving them our SSI funds and make us use our taxes to pay for their health care, food, housing, and education for their children they bring or have here. Illegals break the law just by being here. Many lie or steal getting false ID so they can stay here. The illegal is a burden to our society. W [ ] E, U\ \ \\|/ |-( )- | V | L `. ___ | \/ / dsi NOT to be confused with those who are here legally on Visas or green cards. We heartily welcome all those fine folks who respect our country, our laws, and our way of life. Visit here for more information on Visas http://travel.state.gov/visa/ -<>- >Flash Mob! (Cape Cod) Maybe America isn’t dead after all. This one is different than the others I’ve seen. ( (_) ### (#c _\|/_ #\ wWWWw \ \-. (/. .\) /\ /`\/\ /\ |\/ \_) (_| `\.' ; ; ;`\ `\; ; . ;/\ `\; ; ;| \ ; .' ' ; / |_.' ; | /) ( ''._;'` | ' . ; |.-' .:) | | ( .' : | |,- .:: | | ,-' .;| jgs_/___,_.:_\_ [I_I_I_I_I_I_] | __________ | | || | | || | _| ||_|__|_|| |_ /=--------------=\ / \ | | But beware! This may send chills down your spine. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5lbNXNn3CI&sns=em --- ...Awesome! Thanks PatDeE! I especially loved it when they brought in the heavy 'artillery' America at it's best! AND I saw one of my favorite songs afterward... SSgt Barry Sadler, Ballad of the green beret http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH4-tOqLH94&NR=1 ============================================================== >-->In The Worldly News: [POLITICS] >From PatriotUpdate: Hollywood gets one "right": Captain America http://tinyurl.com/3samo5p --- ...Superman may have gone AWOL but Captain America is still FOR US - a true blue American! -<>- >From Tea Party: Tea Party - Washington Stuck! http://www.teaparty.org/view_email.php?id=1250 News updates, Events, and Facebook Rants http://hosted.verticalresponse.com/961007/7deae59e1f/282552073/689a885d7f/ -<>- >From Christian Coalition: Republicans Guarantee Social Security Checks, Military Pay, Public Debt Payments with Sen. Toomey's Bill http://tinyurl.com/3bxahln Impact of Gay Marriage on 2012 http://cc.org/blog/impact_gay_marriage_2012 Stop Taxpayer Funding for Abortion http://www.cc.org/stopfundingabortion -<>- >From BizarreNews: *-- Indian baby born with 34 digits --* ALLAHABAD, India - Guinness World Records said an Indian baby born with 10 toes on each foot and seven fingers on each hand is the new record holder for largest number of digits. Amrita Saxena of Uttar Pradesh said her 1-year-old son, Akshat Saxena, has undergone several surgeries since his birth to remove the extra digits, and doctors plan further procedures to give him thumbs, the Press Trust of India reported Tuesday. Saxena said her family contacted Guinness after learning about the previous record holder, a Chinese boy born with 15 fingers and 16 toes. Akshat's condition is a genetic disorder known as polydactyly, his family said. *-- Police pepper spray aggressive kangaroo --* CHARLEVILLE, Australia - Australian police said they used pepper spray to ward off a kangaroo after it attacked a 94-year-old woman in southwest Queensland. Police said they responded Sunday to the Charleville home of Phyllis Johnson, 94, on a report of the woman being knocked to the ground and repeatedly kicked by a red kangaroo, the Australian Broadcasting Corp. reported Tuesday. Senior Sgt. Stephen Perkins said the responding officers had to use pepper spray on the animal to avoid being attacked. "Once the kangaroo was sprayed, it left the immediate area," he said. "Quite often dogs do attack police officers and we are forced to use capsicum spray on the dog to stop being bitten, but never on a kangaroo." The kangaroo was captured and the Department of Environment said a decision on the fate of the animal will be made after it has been assessed by a veterinarian. Johnson's son, Rob, said his mother is recovering in a hospital. "She's got scratches and cuts on her arms and there is a piece taken out of her leg that might have to have a skin graft on it," he said. "But other than that she's bouncing around fairly well now." He said his mother "can see the funny side of it now though." *-- Severed hand was actually dried squid --* HONOLULU - A hand-shaped object that led Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources to call the police was determined to be a dried-out squid. A woman said a group of teenagers and young adults from her family discovered the object, which resembled the severed hand of a small child, at Mokuauia Seabird Sanctuary, also known as Goat Island, and she urged them to call authorities Thursday, the Honolulu Star-Advertiser reported Monday. Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources responded to the scene and contacted the Honolulu Police Department's homicide unit upon viewing the object. However, officials soon determined the object was actually a dried-out squid. *-- Man who woke up in morgue goes home --* EASTERN CAPE, South Africa - A South African man thought by his family to have been dead only to wake up in a morgue has been discharged from the hospital, officials say. The man woke up in an Eastern Cape mortuary Sunday, Primedia Broadcasting EyeWitness News reported. He was brought there by a private undertaker Saturday after his family thought he was dead because they couldn't wake him up. But the mortuary staff heard him screaming Sunday morning. He was found to be dehydrated and taken to a hospital for monitoring. He was released Monday. Health officials are calling for tighter regulation of the funeral industry, saying the undertakers should not have presumed the man was dead. ============================================================ >-->From Our Friend Linda :) __. /-7 k .-' o.-'/ / .; \ ( [ ) \ [.---. ;/ \ ) \ (/ ) | AsH / \ ( [_' \_~ >Proof that men DO remember: A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20Th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself in to a chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.' --- ...Oh My! HAHA! Thanks Linda! -<>- _____________________________________________ | _________________________________________ | | |26.1.00 | | Z | | | | z | | Napoleon Bonaparte | | z .-------------------------------------. | | Z | ...and then, in 1808, he entered... | | | z | ... he ente... hez... zZzZzZzZ | | | '-,-----------------------------------' | | ___ _/ | | | | .´ __) | |_________________________________________| | ( /_ _(\ |_____________________________________________| ( _| > )) ( ( (---'-. (_ `)\-`` ) `/-/ ) \ ----(__.´--------------. \ \ \\_______________________\ |,------------------------' >Actual GED Exam Answers The following questions were asked in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds')............ and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.) Q.. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. (At least they get to travel!) Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true!) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death. Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.) Q How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..(WTF!) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie. (This person has a career in politics awaiting!) Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'. A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome . Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!) Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable!) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas. Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant) Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head These people vote -- They are the future generation -- & they will breed!! --- ...LOL! Thanks Linda! ============================================================= >-->From CleanLaffs: I just read a story about Wilson Watson. He is a retired English professor who has spent the last couple decades collecting the most hilarious and often depressing spelling, grammatical and contextual errors his students have made in their papers. I have reprinted a few of the more bizarre examples for you below. You might find them entertaining. Reading these bloopers really highlights the careless responsibility of our educational system, and I know it shouldn't, but knowing there are people out there who actually think this is English really helps my own self-a-steam. .------------------------. | Well, Genoveva, do | __________________________| you know the answer? | | _________________________'-------------,----------' | | ____ / | | | | 2x+3x/y2x = 4xy-6y (___ \ | | | | ( (..) ) | | | | \\\' |( < ,) ) | | | | `|_\_\)--( ) | | | | \ ,"""(___) | | | | `'\_ __ \ | | | | | , ) | | | |_______________________ / _/ /_________| | |________________________ I ///\./I___________| gnv | | | | '-.._..-' .---------------------------. | | ) ( Mmm... Napoleon Bonaparte? ) _| | / '--------,------------------' .'_.´_/7 _/ .((() Z z _..._ /_ (()) z / \ < ?))) Z | | \_.(((( \ __ / __())))) \(__) / \ __// \ / ,..--'^| /` (____)-. / ( | | / \ / |..--/^ "People who murder a lot of people are called masked murderers." "The person was an innocent by standard, who just happened to be the victim of your friend's careless responsibility." "Another effect of smoking is it may give you cancer of the thought." "The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of other couples." "Benjamin Franklin discovered America while fling a kite." "Keith helps me to have good self-a-steam." "For example, one homeless person lives under a bride in Lanham, Md." "Jogging on a woman's ovaries can be dangerous to her health." "The French benefits of this job are good." -<>- Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life." -<>- The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?" -<>- ,''@, |.~.| : - : \-/ .-|\_/)-. / | Y -- \ / /\o /\ \ \ \_|___|_/ / \_/ \_/ | _ | | | | ( | ) | | | Sher^ | | | |__|__| (__|__) "Never trust a proctologist who has both hands on your shoulders!" A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?" "My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician. "Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!" "In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred." "Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous." "Well, then, could you afford two hundred?" "Who has that kind of money?" "Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?" "I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it." "I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?" "Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!" -<>- A worker in the reference department of the Library of Congress received a call asking the meaning of the phrase "without recourse." He consulted a legal dictionary and furnished this definition, "Said of a signer of a document when he takes no responsibility for the face of the document." "Thank you," said the voice at the other end of the wire. "I have an autographed photograph of Coolidge. It's signed, "Without recourse, Calvin Coolidge." ============================================================ >-->From JokesCentral: _____________ __________ /\ \_____ _ (\ -=- \ |; _____|_| `\ --=-= \ \/____________/ \ -==--=- \ __ ) -==-==- ) jgs \/ ( =-==-= ( \ -=- \ /_) -=- ) `""""""""""` >EUROPEAN DIRECTIVE The European Union Commissioners announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European Communications, rather than German, which was the other alternative. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year "S" will be used instead of the soft "C". Sertainly sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard "C" will be dropped in favour of the letter "K". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "PH" will be replased by "F". This will make words like "Fotograf" 20% shorter. In the third year. publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "E"s in the language is disgrasful, and should be don away with. By the fourth year. People wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" by "Z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaning "OU", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinashuns of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivon vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem ov yunivursl komunikashun vil finali kum tru. UROPEN DIREKTIV (Just remember, folks! You heard it first HERE! - J.R.) --- .-------. _|~~ ~~ |_ =(_|_______|_)= |:::::::::| |:::::::[]| |o=======.| jgs `"""""""""` ...Hey, ya never know! Indian schools in April decided this and now Hawaii too No Longer Requires Teaching Cursive In their Schools Read all about it here http://tinyurl.com/3rlz25p What I want to know is - how will the kids know how to sign their names to checks or credit card receipts etc? I think they require a written not a printed or typed signature - don't they? What will happen to all the hand writing analysis people? -<>- The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..." - Isaac Asimov These opinions are mine, not those of the University of Strathclyde. It is the opinion of the University that I should be writing my thesis. -<>- .::\)`:`, .:;\/~`\``;) ,.~-----, ;;==`_ ~:;( ,,~{*}\~~--,.`. ;:== 6 6;;) ,(((((({*});~~. .\ ;;C } )' (('`)))~({*}) . \ .\ :;` `--'; >6 6`({*}))) . \~~ | `____/ ( { ))())) . .`, ____._| |_____. `--' (((())) . | / \ \__ _| | \ `-- )))))) . .| | ) \/\/\_{@} | ,-| ((((((( . | | \_ \ \ | / | / | / ))))))) .| | |\ : \ |/ | Y | (/*@@*( ' ` ) . | \ \ \_\/_/ | | / */ \ \'/ /. | \ \ |o | | \. \ |'@'| .| \ \ | ; ,'--,.,.,., \ ~*@*~. . | \ \_________._--`((,:{@}.:))_\ |~@~| . | \ ' | ((,{@}:{@}.))-----' ;/\ (, \._____________`-__((;,{@},:))_________/|{ | . ; | | | `';{@},) /`-----'\ |. | | .__/\__ | `{@};,; / / | \ \ \/ .| | / :; \ | `(@))\ / \. . | | /! | \| ';; ))_/`-'/`_`., \. | | | ! | | ';(( | | ! `_ \ .| | | ! | | )) | | ! |.\_| | |/ ! | | (/ | | ! | . | | ! | | | | ! |~~~~' | ! | | | | ! | | ! | | | | ! | >WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE ~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful. ~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you. ~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops. ~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm. ~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats. ~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure. ~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet. ~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow. ~ She will hate charge cards. ~ Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, honey?" ~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Miss. America. ~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done. ~ She will love you because you're so sexy. () () ||____...---~~~---...___|| || %%%%% || Gasp! %%%()% ___ ._._ || / %%%%\\-. |\ /_0_\\ ||...)))))___.........%%%%%()\\~~\~~~ \ |\ //- >-\_ \ //\ \ \// |""""""""| | \ \ _O_// / \\ \ \_/ ,.| JRO| \ \ / / \\/ \/ \ \ \/ /\' ' \ '(__\____/\ \_ \ \ \ \ \ _..-------\'--~ \ \_\.\.-~~-..--~~~~ \ \.- "Oh, he's liking married life just fine, so far. Hey, guess what Mom? He expects me to cook and clean. Mom... Mom... MOM! Stop Laughing! WHAT HE USUALLY GETS ~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180. ~ She was once a model for a totem pole. ~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking. ~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating. ~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say. ~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory. ~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you. - She'll have that - "As the French say,, that certain 'I don't know what'"----- Dr. Evil - Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me -<>- _____________ | | \ | PAMPA | | | * | | | | |__ | | __ \______ | |/ \_____ |_________________ | O \___________________/ \ | \\*****; \ \ | \\***********; \ \ ____________| \\************;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; \ \ /____________| \\***** ***; ; | | \ \\*** *; ; \ \ | \\*** * ***;________________; | | \_ \\*** ****;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; | | |_ \\***********;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; _|_| | \\*.***;*****;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; _/_/ \ \\ ******;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; _/_/ \ ____ \\ ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; / |_/__/ \ \\ / / \ \\ / / \ \\ _ /_/ \ \\ / / \ \\ _ / / \ | | \ / / | / / \ / / | \ \ \ | | \_ | | \_ | | \__|/ From: Arty Dewey >Texas Is Hotter than... The devil wanted a place on earth Sort of a summer home A place to spend his vacation Whenever he wanted to roam. So he picked out Texas A place both wretched and rough Where the climate was to his liking And the cowboys hardened and tough. He dried up the streams in the canyons And ordered no rain to fall He dried up the lakes in the valleys Then baked and scorched it all. Then over his barren country He transplanted shrubs from hell. The cactus, thistle and prickly pear The climate suited them well. Now the home was much to his liking But animal life, he had none. So he brought in some crawling creatures That all mankind would shun. First he brought the rattlesnake With it's forked poisonous tongue. Taught it to strike and rattle And how to swallow it's young. Then he brought scorpions and lizards And the ugly old horned toad. He placed spiders of every description Under rocks by the side of the road. Then he blew away the clouds The sun shone hotter still Until even the cactus wilted And the old horned lizard took ill. Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom As any home owner would He chuckled a little up his sleeve And admitted that it was good. Twas summer now and Satan lay By a prickly pear to rest. The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow So he took off his coat and vest. "By Golly," he finally panted, "I did my job too well, I'm going back to where I came from, Texas is hotter than Hell." -<>- >Bar fight A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the Irish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Irish and I don't like you telling all those Irish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Ireland." "My mother is in Ireland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor. Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in! -<>- ________.-._____ _____.----"--'-------------`-------._____ ,------.______________.----._'=========================================` ]======================<|# |_)------- `----._____________.----' `------.______________.----'[ ,--------/ `-' `-.---.-' _____/__/___ / ____| |-----' `---< /||__|---|________ // `------------._ _______ // \ ---- // |__________.-' >Surefire Signs that Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation. 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithuum and tritanium. 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter in a sentence without excessive thought first. 4. More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer. 5. Have figured out the stardate system. 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra. 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol. 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams. 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory" 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes. 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface. 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments. 13. Actual serious thought about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint. 14. Understanding Klingon. 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work. 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it. 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics. 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP. 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges. 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawer. Famous Star Trek cows, unkown artist (__) _(__)_ (__) (__) (oo) ($(oo)$) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------## /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ Vulcan cow Ferengi cow Cowmander Riker Cowptain Picard (note greenish tinge) (Note bald head) (__) (___) 1 1 (==) (o=o) 1001 /-------\/ /-------\ / 1000000011 / | || / | || 1 1 11 * ||----|| * ||----|| 0 11000011 ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ 00 00 Geordie's cow Bajorian cow the Binars owned this cow (___) (__) (###) (oo) (o o) /-------\/ /---------\ / / | ^ || / | ||O * |(/ \)|| / || || | '~' || * ||,-----|| ||----|| || || ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ This cow had a Klingon bull cameo on ST-TNG (_____) _(__)_ ( o o ) >__< / (oo) \ __\___/__ ---( )----\==< ( ) /\ /\ >==\ oo \ |\______/| |**\_ _/**| \_ __ \--\ * | | |**(*Y*)**| /_____/ \_\ \/ \________/ || Cowsoler Troi || Cowstable Odo (Note dangerously ^^ (in his bucket) low bustline) this cow was caught in a transporter malfunction -<>- >I'm Not Old Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount." I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free." Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer---can't hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right. My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!" My car has no scratches...not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent." The young will get older...much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure, But don't call me old...just call me mature. The steps in the houses they're building today. Are so high that they take your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow. But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure, I'm not really old...I'm only mature... Like a dinosaur! . . / `. .' \ .---. < > < > .---. | \ \ - ~ ~ - / / | ~-..-~ ~-..-~ \~~~\.' `./~~~/ \__/ \__/ / .- . \ _._ _.- .-~ ~-. / } \/~~~/ _.-'q }~ / } { ; \__/ {'__, / ( / { / `. ,~~| . . `''''='~~-.__( /_ | /- _ `..-' \\ // / \ =/ ~~--~~{ ./| ~-. `-..__\\_//_.-' { \ +\ \ =\ ( ~ - . _ _ _..---~ | | { } \ \_\ '---.o___,' .o___,' -r.millward- Stegosaurus ============================================================== >-->FUN Places To Net Visit :) Alcohol And Drug Use http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/BibleStudy/alcoholanddrugs.html Deer Hunter Story [graphic] http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/deerhunter.html Extreme Noodling http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/noodling.html Greetings http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/greetings.html Rules For US Citizens http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/rules.html Texas Outhouse Art http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/outhouse.html Beaches In India http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/beaches.html Doormat Humor http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/doormat.html Thailand's Tigers http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/tiger.html -<>- >From Our Friend Wesley :) ripped : the rest of the story http://goo.gl/5cTy6 Smirting http://goo.gl/Xq6PY --- ...Learn something new every day! Thanks Wesley! -<>- >From LynnLynn's Links: Stay Fit http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdfas.htm Stethoscope http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsgtr.htm China http://www.buffaloschips.com/jksd.htm Super Models http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsfqas.htm Suzuki http://www.buffaloschips.com/dsfasas.htm Haggar http://www.buffaloschips.com/lkkjkl.htm He Wants To Join Up http://www.buffaloschips.com/lkjkdsfklsfd.htm If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com ============================================================== >-->Quotes & Thunkers: "In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." -Conan O'Brien "Scientists are saying that the triceratops may never have existed. Next will be the brontosaurus and the stegosaurus and the next thing you know, my pajamas are covered in lies." -Craig Ferguson "A man from Chicago won the national Air Guitar Championship this weekend. It marked the first contest ever where someone was declared both the winner and a loser." -Jimmy Fallon >Updated FUN STUFF URLS - Oh Yeah :) Shangy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/urls.html FUN URLS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->BECOMING A CHRISTIAN HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->FULL LENGTH - FREE On line AUDIO MP3 Christian Foundational Class http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 NEW LIFE IN CHRIST! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -->This is for all you who love food andd DARE to make it at home Yep. 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